Gaijin Smash

Tis The Season

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on December 3, 2009

Ah, Christmas.  I remember when it used to actually mean something.

And no, that isn’t some sort of snarky commentary on how Christmas is becoming commerical.  I was born in the 80s; Christmas has always been fairly commercial for me.  Get time off from school/work, get some bomb-ass presents and have a feast meant for kings.  Birthday of that Jesus guy?  Sure, good for him.  
I mean, Xmas in Japan just doesn’t have the same OOMPH that it does in America.  Its not even an official holiday, so unless you request time off specifically you’re going to end up stuck working.  The feast meant for kings?  I have no idea how this came to be, but in Japan Christmas in Japan means KFC.  Yes, you read that right, Kentucky Fried Chicken.  On Dec 24th any KFC in Japan will have a line around the block of people waiting for that Christmas Chicken.  Maybe its because the Japanese figure Colonel Sanders and Santa are the same guy?  “If we don’t eat his chicken, he may become angry and not give us presents!  Better order the 12-piece set…”
And for whatever reason, the only Christmas songs that Japan seems to know (or care about) are “Last Christmas” by WHAM and “All I Want For Christmas” by Mariah Carey.  …Yeah, those songs do a better job of inspiring me to take a bulldozer to all of Whoville than stoke my yuletide spirit.  For this year, the Japanese band EXILE did a remake of “Last Christmas”, so now we get that interspersed with the original WHAM version.  That doesn’t make it any less cheesy though.  More cheesy, actually.
(For those who are wondering, EXILE is a group composed of 2 guys who sing and 3,208 guys who dance.  Regardless of the type of song.  Even if it’s a slow song…they’re dancing.  Imagine K-Ci and Jo-Jo singing “All My Life”, and in the background MC Hammer’s old dance troupe are busting a move.  Its like that.)
One thing Japan does get right at least is the commercialism.  Which means getting and receiving presents.  Unfortunately, I’m at the age where I either don’t really want anything in particular, or the stuff I want is far too big to ask for for Christmas (new HDTV…).  But of course, I’m going to get something regardless of whether I want it or not, and I’m kinda sorta obligated to give in return.
And here is where I’m stuck.  I need to give my wife something for Christmas…but I don’t know exactly what.  I know she likes/wants clothes.  But here’s the problem – we don’t exactly see eye on eye on fashion.  She likes the type of fashion that I liken to wearing potato sacks – I would prefer it if she wore clothes where someone could tell by looking at her that she was actually female.  I don’t mean horribly revealing, tight clothing – just something that doesn’t look a little like a Glad bag with a belt.  I can’t bring myself to buy the potato sacks, and even if I do buy her something nice I pick out, she only ends up wearing it once before it goes to Closet Hell.
I’m also considering getting her a Nintendo DS.  There are some software titles she’s interested in.  The only problem here is that while I’m sure she could get some use out of it, its not what she REALLY wants.  Plus, it could potentially irrevocably damage our relationship, as I might find me a new girlfriend that I’d want to marry.

My final gift idea was…um…an HDTV.  Aside from not having the money to afford one (nowhere close), even if I did buy one I can’t think of how I could possibly explain it as a gift to her.  Even if I did manage to pull that off, then I’d sort of be obligated to let her watch it – that means Japanese TV in glorious HD.  I think I’d rather be beaten to death by monkeys.  So, this idea was sort of doomed from the start.

Pardon My Dust (…Again?)

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on November 7, 2009

So, it looks like the Rudius Media network is down…

As a result, Gaijin Smash is back here on Outpost Nine!  
As you know, moving can be a strenuous process, and there are still some kinks to be worked out.  Namely…
— I’m trying to have the gaijinsmash.net URL re-direct here.  So in the meantime if you have found your way here but know someone who is a fan and has not, please inform them for me.
— The current design is just a default one.  I’m going to come up with a design/layout for this site.  …I’m going to keep things fairly simple, a site you can read at work without looking suspicious.  I was not a huge fan of the previous layout. I hope to redesign Outpost Nine as well.
— My previous backup from the old site didn’t include comments from about Mid-September onward.  I still have access to them (for the moment) so I will try to re-plug them in as I can.  If they end up being lost forever, my apologies.
— I’m pretty sure there’s an RSS feed already built into this thing.  If not, I will add one ASAP.  
Thanks for joining me in the move (back!) and I hope to continue to see you around!

Of Fame and Umeboshi

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on November 2, 2009

If you can’t beat em…join em?
By now my seething hatred of Japanese television should be fairly well known. If Hollywood has taught us anything about life, its that when one person hates something so passionately, so derisively, that there are only two possible conclusions – an all-out fight to the death, or for the hate to turn into romance of some sort. While my plan to rain down unparalleled destruction on Japanese TV networks is still in the planning phases (do you have any idea how hard it is to gather Satan’s minions…?), I may have to put it on hold for a while, as…well…now I’m actually appearing on TV.
Calm down, I haven’t become the next Bob Sapp or Bobby Ologun *shudder*. So far its only been a few random appearances on one TV show. …So, how does that happen anyway?
Last year with my wedding ceremony coming up I was crunched for cash. I was also working the Job From Hell (see the Sour Apples entries), so I was regularly checking job postings – something part-time I could do in addition to my job to help with the wedding costs, or a full-time job to replace the nightmare I was working at then. I came across an ad for a talent agency for foreigners. The office wasn’t located too far from my workplace, so I figured why not – I contacted them one day and went for an interview/screening during lunch break.
They explained that they are an agency that provides foreigners for various roles in the Japanese entertainment business. TV spots, movie extras, commercials, etc. I gave them my information and took some profile pictures. They said they would give me a call if any good projects came up that would be suited for me.

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Cultural Differences, Again

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on October 28, 2009

As most of you know, I don’t really care about celebrities and entertainment news. They’re just ordinary people who happen to appear on TV and in movies and what not, so I don’t understand the obsession with following their lives. I do try to keep up with the news and current events, and unfortunately in doing so I’m exposed to celebrity news. Its almost unavoidable. Anyway, looking at some celebrity “incidents” that have happened in Japan over the past year got me thinking about how differently these things are handled/viewed back home.
First off, for those who don’t follow Japanese celebrity news (most of you I hope…?) a brief recap.

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Thank You

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on January 21, 2008

Thank you for your feedback.

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Glossary

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on September 18, 2006

A
Anpanman – a popular Japanese anime character created by Takashi Yanase
B
C
Chidori – an attack name from an action anime called Naruto
D
daikon – radish
dekai – huge, large
Dodgedick Sense
E
F
G
gaijin – outsider
gaikokujin – person from an outside place (Gaijin Smash)
Gaijin Intimidation
Gaijin Optic Blast – Foreigners get stared at alot, but if the stare is returned, the recipient instantly turns away
Gaijin Perimeter – This is the gaijin’s natural ability to just repel people. (Gaijin Smash)
Gaijin Power – Ability to get any girl
Gaijin Smash – anytime a Westerner exerts inherent dominance over the Japanese people.
Gaijin Telepathy – No one tells Gaijins anything out of fear, expecting them just to ‘know’ what is going on (Gaijin Smash, You WILL Love Me)
Ganbatte – Go for it or Do your best (Ichinensei After Lunch)
H
heiwa – peace
I
ichinensei – 1st year students
J
Japanese dinosaur – a term my friends and I have started using recently, but I don’t think we coined it. Japanese girls have this weird habit of carrying their (oftentimes multiple) bags in the crease of their elbow…so then their forearm bends up and off to the side. The other arm is often elevated, either thanks to a cell-phone or… God only knows why. Then they have their feet stuffed into some expensive designer uncomfortable shoes, which makes them walk pigeon-toed. The entire stance is pretty comical to look at, and reminds one of a velociraptor, or a t-rex. Thus, we call these girls dinosaurs. With apologies to the velociraptors and t-rexes for being compared to these brainless slaves of fashion.
K
kancho – Japanese game school children play; “kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt.”
Kancho Approach
Kancho Assassins
Kancho Sense – The ability to detect, predict or deflect a Kancho attempt.
Kimigayo – Japanese national anthem
kotatsu – a table with a small heater underneath. You can put a large blanket over the kotatsu, so everyone can sit around it, put their legs under the blanket, and share the warmth. Used instead of a ventilated heater for the entire house.
L
M
N
ninensei – 2nd year students
O
Ohayo gozaimasu – Good morning!
oppai – Woman’s breast
P
Q
R
Rasengan – an attack name from an action anime called Naruto
S
Sabaku Sousou! – Desert Coffin! from an action anime called Naruto?
sannensei – 3rd year students
Sekai! – Correct!
sumaru dikku – small dick
T
U
V
W
X
Y
yakiniku – Raw meat served at a restaurant in small portions, which you cook yourself
yakuza – Japanese mafia (Az Fails at Dating)
Z
Zannen! – Too bad!

FAQ

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on September 18, 2006

Contact

Posted in Uncategorized by gaijinsmashnet on May 8, 2004

Email at azrael (at-thingy) outpostnine.com, or use the form below.

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Press or Media: If you have any interest in Gaijin Smash or its author, direct all inquires to Ryan Holiday, Rudius Media PR Director, and we can set something up quickly. Thank you for your interest.

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