Gaijin Smash

New Train Crew

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 6, 2009

I don’t think I’ve officially come out and said it, but I have a new job.* Its further from my old job, which means I have to ride an earlier train. Yep, you guessed it…new train crew.
*New job is also the reason why I don’t post so much. I’m getting closer and closer to the Japanese salaryman dream/nightmare with each passing day.
Although one morning, I was running late and ended up riding the old train. Didn’t see Sub-Zero (but this is the summer, maybe he’s hibernating…?), but I did see Shorty and Brandy. I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but Shorty chews on her fingers, a bad habit that has apparently still continued up until now. Shorty is kind of cute, but girls who like to bite down on long cylindrical objects tend to lose sex appeal points. Brandy got a haircut – I like longer hair so I’m not a fan, but she’s still cute and still carries stupidly expensive bags. Even if we did hook up, I imagine she wouldn’t let me hit unless the condom was from Versace or something. I also didn’t see Massive Melon Tits or Tats, so I can only hope that they and their plentiful/graffitied bosoms are doing well wherever they are.


But anyway, enough about the past. Here come the new challengers!
Goth Velma – I figure this name should be self-explanatory. She wears an outfit very similar to Velma from Scooby-Doo, except all in black. Unlike the student I nicknamed Velma, she doesn’t wear glasses, and I’ve never actually looked at her face so I don’t know if the resemblance extends there.
Goth Velma, much like her cartoon counterpart, wears the same damn clothes every single day. Same black sweater, same black shirt, same black knee-high socks. She has a cardigan-coat-thingy (surprisingly enough, she has two in two different colors; gray and black!) which she also wore while it was still spring – being summer you figure she’d leave it at home, right? Nope, carries it. Or, wears it sometimes too, despite the outside weather being hot enough to make The Human Torch start to sweat a little bit.
In this culture of salarymen and uniforms, it shouldn’t be that unusual for people to wear the same thing everyday. But this woman’s attire doesn’t particular look like a uniform, which leads me to believe that she makes the conscious decision to wake up every morning and wear the same thing. Which, in fashion-savvy Japan, is just downright weird. That, or she has an entire closet filled with nothing but the same outfit.
Every morning, I look to see if she’s wearing something, anything different, and I’m always disappointed. At this point, I don’t know what would happen if I saw her in different clothes. I’m thinking along the lines of the fabric of space and time being ripped to shreds.
This woman vexes me, and one day I will know her secret.
Jigglypuff – Woman who rides at my stop. She would be the 3rd Generation of Massive Melon Tits, but the rest of her is also kind of round, which takes away the impact of the melon tits. Also, she does really look like the Pokemon Jigglypuff.

…And who thought up that name anyway? Just say it out loud a few times and see if you don’t giggle to yourself. Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff. This has got to be proof that there’s more weed in Japan than we thought.
Hefuna-san: Salary man in his 30’s or 40’s, he gets this nick because he reads the porn section of the newspaper every day. Not an exaggeration – every day. I may have ranted on this before, but what’s the point of reading porn on the train? To go into work sexually frustrated? To me, porn really only has one purpose, and if you can’t use it for that purpose…then what’s the point? But who knows, maybe he’s a photographer or something, and looking at it for the aesthetic values. “Hmm, yes, this is a nice picture, but if they’d kept the nightgown covering just one breast instead of full exposure, and if she moved her right leg about 7 degrees inward this would have been a powerful piece about the role of Japanese women in modern society.”
…But I highly doubt that.
The funny thing about porn newspapers though is that its not like the entire newspaper is dedicated to porn. Actually, I think its a sports newspaper with a couple of porn pages in the middle. I say I think because I’ve never actually bought one. …Not to say I’m all “porn is bad!”, because no, porn is wonderful. Just, in this day and age, I’ve graduated from still pictures (that was SO 1997…) and moved on to HD DVD rips.
I have a few of these HD DVD rips on my iPod (for porn emergencies), but would never actually watch it on the train. Since joining the salaryman working world and being forced to wear suits every day, I’ve come to realize just how thin suit pants are. In other words, if you start to enjoy the porn a little too much…well…pretty much everyone would know about it. If I were a bolder man, I’d get the attention of the cutest girl on the train, point to my raging erection and give her an “how about it?” wink or something. As is I’m timid and married, so that’s not gonna happen.
If any of you brazen single guys would like to try this though, I’d love to hear the results.*
*Gaijin Smash does not assume any legal responsibility for what may happen.
Toucan Sam – Much fuss is made over the broken grills of Japanese women. And yes, there are many women who seem cute at first, but then they smile and reveal a row of teeth that would make Jaws himself swim away whimpering in fear.
This woman has the reverse problem. Her teeth are fine. Its her lips. They look like she kissed one of Muhammed Ali’s fists the night before. Or rather, he punched both jaws inward first, and then smacked her in the lips. It’s actually kind of fascinating.
Baxter Stockman – This guy looks EXACTLY like Baxter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon (the classic ’87 version of course…heroes in a half shell, turtle power!). The resemblance is downright uncanny. …The human version, of course.
I sort of keep my distance from him, there’s nothing in this world I hate more than bugs, and if he were to someday undergo the fly transformation I just don’t have a can of Raid big enough for the job.

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44 Responses

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  1. Zantetsu said, on August 6, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    Where all else fails, get a pet reptile. They’re insectivores.
    Glad to see you’re still alive however.

  2. Jv said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:01 am

    Great stuff as always.
    Is your wife more baby prone with your new job? I’m sure the day you’re an authentic Japanese salaryman she’ll just say “Baby-fy me!”

  3. wishIdidntknow said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:10 am

    fwiw, “jigglypuff” is the translated name. The original is プăƒȘン, Purin, i.e. pudding. But the weed question stands.

  4. feitclub said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Not to crap on your joke, but “Jigglypuff” is the English name of that Pokemon, so no amount of weed in Japan would have had an effect on its selection.
    And while I haven’t seen much porn on my train rides, I’m with you: what’s the point? Either it’s arousing or not, and either way I wouldn’t want to indulge while outside of my own home.

  5. Ferris said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Haha, long time no hear..New train crew..Nice!
    ..And new job? What do you do now?

  6. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:33 am

    Any chance we can get an explanation of what your new job is?

  7. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:33 am

    Any chance we can get an explanation of what your new job is?

  8. Gino said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:34 am

    its finally great to hear from ya, but how is the new job treating you then? and the missus at home? not to mention the business of making a killing in the blackanese actress / porn star department. I graduated a few months ago from a university, and I lucked out by landing a job at a tv station as a master control operator. Heh, hope to hear from you soon Captain Azrael!

  9. wole said, on August 7, 2009 at 1:22 am

    cool first post. was begining to wonder where u were but glad to see u are ok. as for the nearing salaryman thing at least u are moving away from the typical gaijin jobs (english teacher) which is what u wanted….oh by the way how far are u along with ur writing plans?

  10. Toby said, on August 7, 2009 at 1:45 am

    Hey, I’ve been waiting for a new update. I hope you and the wife are doing well. You should definitely update more often. 😀

  11. bob said, on August 7, 2009 at 1:46 am

    Why did you quit your old job? I thought you liked it.

  12. Ms Avery said, on August 7, 2009 at 3:23 am

    Hey, you’re back!
    I’m sort of intrigued by the notion of Goth Velma. I may dress like that today. Probably not every day thereafter, though.

  13. Krakow said, on August 7, 2009 at 4:24 am

    Tell us about your new job! Let’s see pics of you in a salarymanesque suit!

  14. Albert said, on August 7, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Good to hear from you. Looking forward to hear new entries. Good luck with your new job =)

  15. Barry said, on August 7, 2009 at 10:51 am

    This is in the U.S., but there’s a guy who rides my train who looks like a bowling pin.
    Also, congrats on the new job!

  16. Raynbeaux said, on August 7, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Rock on, Azrael! It was worth getting an infraction and -1000 rep at SRK
    ; )

  17. Andre said, on August 7, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    What would happen if you ever talked to these people on the train? I mean, they definitely notice you and the other way around is obvious from here.

  18. imperial said, on August 7, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    The way you described the Velma chick actually makes me think of Daria. Daria used to wear the same clothes everyday. Long green coat, no matter what season, black skirt, combat boots. We don’t really know if Velma had a closet full of the same clothes, but Daria sure did. I loved Daria when I was young. She was my idol… Man, I guess I know why I turned out this way…….
    But anyway, I’m glad to see that you’ve made a new post! And it always amuses me to see other people who re-name the regulars in their life. I moved to a new location recently and have been pretty home-sick, but the other day I nick-named a guy (Angry Walkin’ Dude) and now this place feels like home. But I genuinely miss my old nick-named buddies. Pink-shirt Hooker is the one I miss the most… And P-P-P-P-Pirate Holmes. Guy looked like a love-child between Red Beard and Sherlock… Yep.

  19. Joel said, on August 7, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    regarding your comment on goth velma’s choice of daily wear, it’s not practical for an anime character to have a closet full of the same outfit. the character sakata gintoki from gintama has three copies of his trademark suit and kimono, one to wash, one to wear, one to store, or one each for him and his two sidekicks. of course, mickey has 100 shorts and 200 gloves in his closet, just cuz he got money like dat.

  20. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    HD DVD ?
    Comon Az, that is soooo 2008

  21. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    HD DVD ?
    Comon Az, that is soooo 2008

  22. Patrick said, on August 7, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    You want to get me a job? I can’t speak Japanese very well (Barely. And then not very good.) but I can work. Or do you have an American branch?

  23. code monkey said, on August 7, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Congratulations on the new job…so, what do you now? I’m assuming that you’re no longer the gaijin-let’s-give-him-some-task-that-will-further-emphasize-he’s-a-gaijin; you’re now part of the drone/peon workforce officially…?
    Jigglypuff…have you tried playing Smash Brothers fighting against Jigglypuff?
    I only realized that me and my buddies also give people interesting nicknames…mullet boy, hinata, hinata junior, senator palpatine, HRG, cold-hearted sadistic psycho-bitch…but we know these people’s real names.
    Life is wonderful. I believe a book penned by you is in order.

  24. Aeromax said, on August 7, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    I just found this site a couple days ago from a story-links thread on reddit. When I looked at the date of the last post, that familiar “oh crap” feeling washed over me, but I’m glad to see you haven’t jumped ship. I’ll be keeping up with the archives.

  25. Lars Thorsen said, on August 8, 2009 at 3:59 am

    Come on, when is the poor guy going to read his porn except on the train? At work he’d get all sorts of passive-agressive comments, after work there’s drinking to be done and at home the wife would complain. On the train is his only opportunity…

  26. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2009 at 4:43 am

    > Just say it out loud a few times and see if you don’t giggle to yourself. Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff. This has got to be proof that there’s more weed in Japan than we thought.
    I thought you were supposed to sing it a few times? And that it made you fall asleep.
    Ack! I can almost hear it!
    Ji – ggl – y – puff, Ji – ggl – yy – yy – puff …
    *zzz*

  27. Chibi said, on August 8, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Well, there apears to be more weed in this country than the Japanese wanted to believe, especially since Noripii’s husband first got busted and then it turned out that she too was suspect of using it.
    I don’t even understand why this is taking so damn much space in the newspapers and on national television.
    In any case, this whole story has devestated my j-gf’s perception of the world. maybe she needs to try some too! ^-^?

  28. Prodigal Priest said, on August 9, 2009 at 2:44 am

    Been said before, but it’s good to see you about. ^^
    New job? Good luck with it. I’m sure it’s suitably soul-sucking….. Japanese salarymen being pretty much masters of work-related masochism.
    I’m guessing the baby spackling job your wife set you on hasn’t been too successful to date, huh?

  29. Eurasian Sensation said, on August 9, 2009 at 8:22 am

    You should watch where the porn-reading-guy goes AFTER he gets off the train.
    Anyway, it beats rubbing up against women on crowded trains. I hear that’s a popular Japanese pastime.

  30. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Sweet mother of mercy he posted! Glad to see you’re alive man :D. Sinking in to the japanese salaryman-hole nicely I see. Next you’ll start perving on young girls and enjoying japanese TV.
    You need to release a book sir, before you become everything you ever hated 😉

  31. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Sweet mother of mercy he posted! Glad to see you’re alive man :D. Sinking in to the japanese salaryman-hole nicely I see. Next you’ll start perving on young girls and enjoying japanese TV.
    You need to release a book sir, before you become everything you ever hated 😉

  32. lynk said, on August 10, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    YAY! You’re alive! Yay new job? Please continue to update, it makes people sad when you don’t

  33. Patrick said, on August 10, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    Az, you’ve mentioned a half dozen Velma clones in your blog in as many years. Let’s cut the crap. Just admit to your fetish and be done with it.

  34. Xak said, on August 10, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Congrats on the new job! And thank you for the amusing update.

  35. Chibi said, on August 10, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Yay your alive!!!
    How was the earthquake?

  36. Doriinatrix said, on August 10, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    Yes! Az lives, now in salaryman form!

  37. Eloy said, on August 11, 2009 at 12:28 am

    Its great to see that you still post. I always like your stories for a laugh.

  38. janet said, on August 11, 2009 at 4:21 am

    haha. porn on the train? 😀
    there was a news story in the US about a teacher that got busted for jacking off in school. by a sub and three students, or something like that. i think there’s a video about it on youtube… LOL

  39. Kyle E said, on August 11, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Oh poor baxter, tricked into making mousers and then accidentally turned into a fly. He was just a poor desperate inventor 😩 Loved the reference

  40. Eric said, on August 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    LOL becoming a salaryman is a dream of many a gaijin 😉
    I for one will keep my teaching job and enjoy the free time
    it allows me. That is unless a very HIGH PAYING salaryman
    job comes my way.

  41. shibuyaluver said, on August 16, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    Ooooh do a post on how you got the job and where you work?! I wanna know!!

  42. JanniR said, on August 17, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Just for the record, some of us love snaggle-toothed girls. It can actually make a cute girl cuter sometimes.

  43. Liv said, on September 2, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    I lived in Japan for 2.5 years and never saw the same people on the train more than once … except the random foreigner. And that usually made me want to look the other way. “Do I know them? Do we work together? Oh, crap, all foreigners look alike.”

  44. Nate said, on November 7, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    they’re the worlds fiercest fighting team! (they’re really hip!) WHEN THE EVIL SHREDDER ATTACKS, those total boys don’t cut ’em no slack!


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