Gaijin Smash

The Devil IS Prada

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 7, 2008

I love my wife. I just…hate her fashion.
I have been told that Japan is a leading country when it comes to fashion. And I suppose that it is fairly easy to spot a lot of cute and trendy girls walking around. At the same time a lot of the fashion here…just sucks.
I’m not even going to get into the extreme fashions. Y’know – gothic lolitas, visual kei, that kind of stuff. It would be easy to write pages and pages on this stuff and file it in the “Japan’s Weird, Didya Know That” file, but honestly, I’m not going to hold this against Japan. I’m sure every country has its own fucked up fashions, and America is no exception, not by a long shot. (*Ahem*emo*ahem*)
When I speak of sucky fashion, I mean the type of fashion that looks a lot like the girl got into a fight with a Salvation Army…and lost. Like she’s suddenly been thrown out of her house and had to resort to wearing everything she has in her closet. Or when she woke up this morning, she found that her entire fashion collection had been replaced by a crate of burlap sacks. Big, loose, baggy, layered, balloony, clothes. I believe Maddox called them “Tit Curtains”.*
*Which apparently means that this horrendous fashion has made its way to America as well. …Do I even have a reason to go back now?


My wife actually has a great figure…you just wouldn’t know it under the potato sacks and layers of clothing she hides it under. I’m not talking about wearing anything flashy or slutty, but when I look at this fashion, really the only thing I know about the person is that they’re human. Probably. The female figure is a thing of beauty, and covering it up like that is a cardinal sin I say! Imagine Da Vinci taking the last brush stroke of the Mona Lisa and then throwing a dirty old curtain over it and calling it a day. That’s how I feel about this terrible fashion.
Sometimes we have discussions/arguments over it, and she’s always quick to point out the fashion magazines that tell women that this look is “hip” “trendy” and “in the now.” …As if I needed more proof that fashion magazines are written and compiled by Lucifer himself. And besides ladies, why are you listening to other women for fashion advice? Granted, I may be male and have all the fashion savvy of a slightly-aged turnip…but I know what I like. And I don’t like seeing women in tents and draperies and what not. And ultimately ladies, who do you want to impress? Other women, whose cattiness and jealousy levels are profound, and if they so much as perceive you to be better in any way shape of form than you they will proceed to systematically tear you down until there’s nothing left but an empty shell of what you used to be?* (I know the truth, I’ve seen a few episodes of Melrose Place). Or do you want to impress men, the gender that you will (probably) date/marry, perhaps depend on to some extent for financial support, and the gender that will let our second heads cloud our judgment as we do you favors, buy you drinks, and only give you warnings for traffic offenses? Seriously ladies, think about it for a minute here.
*Y’know, come to think of it, its entirely possible that women realize that these fashions are ugly, and recommend them to make other women ugly. And women willingly accept these fashions and know that it makes them not as attractive in order to not incur the wrath of the Female Collective. Perhaps the layered style and potato sacks are women’s form of camouflage. …Goddamn I’m glad I was born male.
So my wife and I have these discussions/fights, and her ultimate conclusion is “If you’re going to be so noisy about what I wear, then the least you can do is help me to go shopping!” …Shopping. *cold chills run up my spine*. Even if I were to sit here and try to compile a list, I can’t think of many things I hate more than shopping. If I were to try and personify my hatred of shopping, it would probably take the form of Hitler dropkicking puppies while holding a stereo that blasted out “Kidz Bop” CD’s on infinite repeat. Holy crap on a crap cracker, I really hate shopping. Shopping IS hell. Pure hell. When I die and go to hell*, I’m fairly certain hell’s just going to be a Macy’s department store.
*For those of you wondering why I’m convinced I’m going to hell…read through the archives for a little bit.
I feel like shopping is made worse in Japan. Considering how much I hate shopping, saying that is almost skin to someone saying “Hey doctor – we’ve somehow found a way to make root canals even MORE painful!” But Japan, God bless her, has yet again found a way to achieve the impossible. The women’s floor of a department store (at least, the ones I get dragged to) are all divided up into several smaller, individual shops. Each shop plays its own canned “trendy” music, often including some repetitive recycled beat played at volumes louder than appropriate.
Given that Japan is an over-populated country to begin with, within these cramped little stores there’s literally nowhere where I can stand where I’m not in someones way. And that’s just during regular times – if there’s a sale on? Forget about it. The floor is packed with Japanese girls – from high school level to old women, but no matter how old they are or how much education they’ve had in their lives, their entire language set is reduced to “kore ga kawaii!” – “this is cute!”. There’s nothing for me to do, there’s no place to sit*, I can’t even stand somewhere without being in the way, the annoying wanna-be techno-pop beats are giving me a headache, at some point I’m going to be relegated to the role of a human clothes hangar, and every five minutes my wife turns to me, holding a brand new potato sack, saying “Isn’t this cute?”
…I wish for the sweet release of death.
*Why in the hell are there no chairs?! A place to sit, that’s all I ask. Isn’t it common fucking sense to drop a chair down in places where people will be made to stand and wait for extended periods of time? I mean, doctors offices, bus stops, government offices – these places all have chairs. Do the owners of these stores somehow magically NOT see the poor sap guy just standing around and wishing a stray arrow from the Middle Ages would suddenly pierce him in the skull? I mean – even the electric chair – it’s not an electric plank or an electric footstool – it’s an electric chair! We’re putting a man to death, so the least we can do is give him a chair to sit in, right? Shopping may not physically kill me…but a precious part of my soul dies every time I’m dragged to a department store. Every fucking time.
I try to humor her by lying and saying it’s cute when really, I’m thinking about how this $400 dress would be great for keeping my gym shoes inside. But she can tell that I don’t really like it and then she gets mad at me for some unexplained reason. This happens at home too, when she puts on the dirty Mexican pancho and ties her hair in that top knot – that completely irrational top knot that seems to say “Hey, look at my forehead here! And check out this awesome lump of hair I have atop my head now!” And then she asks me “How do I look” and when my face looks a lot like I’ve just eaten a lemon that made its way down my digestive tract and just kicked me in the balls from the inside, she gets angry. If you know I don’t like it…then why are you doing it and asking me about it?! I know she doesn’t share my love of fighting games, so I don’t drag her to the video arcade and get all pissed off when I do something cool, such as activating Guile’s Ultra through Zangief’s Banishing Fist*, and she doesn’t look like she honestly genuinely cares. Why can’t I get the same courtesy in return?!
*Yes, that is me playing Street Fighter IV. …Yes, I am playing Street Fighter IV. Yes, it is unfair for you who don’t live in Japan and can’t play it…but it is totally awesome for me.
You know what the best part is though? When we spend HOURS in a store, and she leaves eventually having bought…nothing. Nothing! “I couldn’t find anything I liked.” And it took you HOURS to figure that out? How in the name of sweet Betty Rubble does that happen? This shit doesn’t fly for anything else, does it?
Jack: Hey Bob, how’s that steak I cooked for you? Delicious?
Bob: I’m not sure yet. Let me eat all of it and let it digest for awhile, and then I’ll be able to tell you if I liked it or not.
Women will call this “fun”. I call it a “complete waste of time.” How do you enter a place where things are sold, look at items that are for sale…and then NOT buy anything?! I can already hear some women complaining at me now – “You say that, but then how can guys go to strip clubs and look at naked women performing sexual acts and then NOT have sex with them?” My answer to this is simple – put out more. We go to strip clubs because we are hungry, and while we may not be able to eat the steak the least we can do is look at it and imagine how delicious it is. Are you women hungry for clothes? No, you have clothes, and if you really wanted more you could always just buy them instead of spending hours looking at them. You buying that cashmere sweater isn’t going to end up in you losing half of everything you own in a divorce settlement. …Probably.
The funny thing about shopping though, is that sometimes you see another guy, another poor cursed soul in the same unfortunate position. Some girl is happily darting between racks with the guy at least 5 paces behind her, weighed down by her purse and at least an armful of clothes she’s eventually going to put back. In America, if I ever made eye contact with one of these guys, we totally had a Guy Moment™. It’s like, we know nothing about each other, have never seen each other before in our lives, and probably will never cross paths again, but in this one moment, this one singular and unique moment in the universe, we are suffering, we are suffering the exact same pain – and we understand. No words are exchanged, none have to be. It is an incredible moment of male bonding, one I fear only other guys will truly understand.
I’ve had this Guy Moment™ here in Japan with other Japanese guys, and that to me is something really incredible. In addition to being perfect strangers, we also come from different backgrounds and cultures, but none of that matters. Our eyes meet, and then…we just understand.
…But not always. As my wife loves to point out, quite a few guys are right there with their girlfriends, helping her pick out outfits and browsing outfits of her own. I always have to point out that these are pretty boy Japanese guys, and therefore don’t count as real men.
Her: See! Look! That guy is shopping with his girl!
Me: Okay, see, I’m not like that.
Her: Why can’t you be?
Me: Sure, you could have a guy that enjoys going shopping with you…but then he’d take longer than you to get ready to go out, he’d probably come home late everyday, expect you to have dinner ready right when he expects it, and then every now and then you could have brief and unfulfilling sex, that is if he isn’t too busy paying schoolgirls to let him get his rocks off.
Her: …….
Me: You can’t have your cake and eat it too, sweetheart.
You know what the even funnier thing is? These guys are picking out clothes that are not only form-fitting, but fairly revealing as well.
…JAPAN, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO BACKWARDS?!?! *huff*huff*pant*
…Okay, I’m better now.
So, we’re supposed to be going shopping this weekend. Sigh. Maybe if she would actually take my advice on clothes, and then let me take them off happily later, I wouldn’t mind so much. Now, it simply looms ominously in the distance, like a shark fin on the ocean horizon, and I just happen to be wearing chum cologne. I’d ask you to pray for me, but I fear its already too late.

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140 Responses

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  1. Azrael said, on August 7, 2008 at 3:32 am

    I have been asked about the donations link. You can find it on the main page of Outpost Nine (www.outpostnine.com) or just PayPal to azrael@outpostnine.com. As always, nothing expected, everything appreciated.

  2. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 3:47 am

    wimmen b shoppin – chris rock

  3. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 3:47 am

    wimmen b shoppin – chris rock

  4. Gino said, on August 7, 2008 at 3:49 am

    Az, I grew up with my mom, and a sister that is 11 years older than me. I got tricked all the time into going shopping with them. For instance, when I was looking forward to buying the new sonic the hedgehog game for the my SEGA GENESIS as a kid, I made sure that my mom and sister were only going to the game store so I could buy the game, and then leave the mall. They assured me, twice… until we got into the car. On the way I could hear satan’s crackled voice slipping through the slits in their teeth… “I forgot to mention, we are going to check out some other stores as well.”
    What would follow next is three to four agonizing hours walking around the mall looking at clothes they would never buy, and the ones they happened to enjoy I was used as a pack mule to carry everything. I thought they outlawed forced child labor in the states, but I guess some things slip through the system.

  5. zangief said, on August 7, 2008 at 4:10 am

    Is that you playing SFIV… or you LOOSING at SFIV ? harharhar.
    Oh well, now we know your youtube account, get ready for billions of comments.

  6. Dagbert said, on August 7, 2008 at 4:21 am

    I remember a few years ago when left-field Japanese fashion dictated that sexy mini skirts be worn over jeans, or knickers.
    Dark times…

  7. Justin said, on August 7, 2008 at 4:30 am

    Ah the potato sacks. If there’s one thing I don’t miss about Japan, it’s those and the gaudy beady way-too-dangly jewelry.
    Oh and lest Japan make you forget, the “shopping for hours to come up with nothing” thing totally happens everywhere else in the world…including, somehow, where there are no shops for women to frequent.
    My strategy (at least in Japan, sadly not possible in the States) was to wheedle a ramen shop run into the mix…just to dull the pain.

  8. LostSoul said, on August 7, 2008 at 4:33 am

    i know what you mean / feel, i was to those kind of malls several times …
    goind with a woman for her shoppings = worse time spent

  9. feitclub said, on August 7, 2008 at 5:20 am

    Is she still going with the drapery-look now? In melt-the-skin-from-your-bones August? I’m amazed at the number of layers my wife manages in summer, all the while complaining that it’s too hot.
    PS – I know you’re in the Osaka area, can you tell me WHERE I can find SFIV? I live in the ‘burbs and I don’t know where to begin looking for new, hot arcade stuff. Do I have to go all the way to Den Den Town?
    (Az’s Note: Yeah, there’s an arcade close to Namba Station on the edge of Den Den Town, Sega Avion, that has it. A lot of fierce comp too.)

  10. Franton said, on August 7, 2008 at 5:24 am

    Welcome to married life Azrael-san! You’ve just discovered “compromise”, the one thing that has kept me single for years. I wish you luck.

  11. Rob said, on August 7, 2008 at 5:31 am

    Welcome to marriage. I spent 4 hours in an outdoor market in Thailand with my wife and her sister this past weekend. That shit’ll make you pray for death, Sho Kosugi style.

  12. Mei said, on August 7, 2008 at 6:14 am

    Sometimes you can only understand something if you just understand it. Fashion, art, video games, Guy Moments™; some things just can’t be taught.
    Incidentally, as a woman, I like fashion, art, and video games. I may not qualify to have Guy Moments™ (what with my anatomical structure), but I may get what you’re talking about, especially when I go shopping with my closet-gay father and vain brother. Oy vey. You can say in my immediate family, the genders have swapped for those who like to shop.

  13. Anonymous of /jp/ said, on August 7, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Good luck, az. Good luck.

  14. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 7:59 am

    Az,
    Women buy clothes, makeup, and other fashion accessories not to impress men, but to scare women away from trying to take their men. It’s a way of saying “Hey, I’m putting THIS much effort into keeping him, so go find your own chump!”
    We keep pretending we’re civilized beings – we’re just plains apes that are playing a collective game called “civilization”. All those instinctive behaviors are still there…

  15. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 7:59 am

    Az,
    Women buy clothes, makeup, and other fashion accessories not to impress men, but to scare women away from trying to take their men. It’s a way of saying “Hey, I’m putting THIS much effort into keeping him, so go find your own chump!”
    We keep pretending we’re civilized beings – we’re just plains apes that are playing a collective game called “civilization”. All those instinctive behaviors are still there…

  16. Big Bear Butt said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:05 am

    Absolutely true, depressingly true, and yet… hilariously told.
    I’m sorry, but Chum Cologne… I’m going to be remembering that for years to come.
    Thanks, Az. You rock.
    I’m married, and I’m RIGHT there with ya. (Okay, I’m right here in the States, but spiritually, I’m standing right there. Screw it, you know what I mean.)

  17. jules said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:20 am

    I also detest shopping, so I started making clothes while living in Japan. The thing that got me started was a very tall husband for whom shopping for clothes in Japan would be entirely futile rather than just tiring and boring. Anyway the point is that in Japan loads of women are into crafts and making and adjusting their own clothes, bags and accessories. The fabric shops are busy places!
    Advantages – you can make things that fit, pick your own styles and colours, and what’s more make things that your husband says are OK – cos he’s the one in the house while you are stitching so gets to advise and tell you if it is safe to walk out of the house dressed like that. It would be really hard to make anything that cost 400USD even if you used utterly fantastic fabric. Furthermore you get to spend the day relaxing at home while she stitches rather than in pain pounding the streets and being a clothes hangar.
    One thing that is odd that I really noticed when making my own clothes is you don’t have that mysterious security you get buying something in a shop with a label. I guess it is that approval from who knows who that makes people think they look OK when actually they are wearing potato sacks. The one that gets me is the wearing of a delicate flowing frock over a pair of jeans. Not only is it a horrible clash of styles but it looks so hot. Do you understand that one?

  18. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Wait? SFIV is out over there already? WTF! Why couldn’t have been released when I was there last month?! Anyways, happy to hear from you again, AZ.

  19. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Wait? SFIV is out over there already? WTF! Why couldn’t have been released when I was there last month?! Anyways, happy to hear from you again, AZ.

  20. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:33 am

    When I go shopping with my mom, we (more she than me) would spend 2-4 hours looking at stuff (and having my mom yell at me because I don’t even bother browsing through the clothes good enough)…and not buying a single thing. Well, sometimes we’d buy one thing or two, but almost never over three. Just thinking about those 2-4 hours wasted make me a little sad knowing that I could have been doing something better.
    It was even worse when I went to the mall with my mom (because I couldn’t go with my friends for some reason). She’d then yell at me for not going into specific stores… So now I try to avoid going shopping for clothes as little as possible unless I need something.
    One more thing: I am a female.

  21. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:33 am

    When I go shopping with my mom, we (more she than me) would spend 2-4 hours looking at stuff (and having my mom yell at me because I don’t even bother browsing through the clothes good enough)…and not buying a single thing. Well, sometimes we’d buy one thing or two, but almost never over three. Just thinking about those 2-4 hours wasted make me a little sad knowing that I could have been doing something better.
    It was even worse when I went to the mall with my mom (because I couldn’t go with my friends for some reason). She’d then yell at me for not going into specific stores… So now I try to avoid going shopping for clothes as little as possible unless I need something.
    One more thing: I am a female.

  22. Suzie said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:34 am

    Poor guys.
    I don’t think I’d ever do something like that to my boyfriend. I hate shopping for clothes(and yes I am a woman). Personally, I prefer buying games and manga ;).
    Guys, good luck with carrying the bags. You’ll need it :P.

  23. Dave said, on August 7, 2008 at 8:59 am

    The fashion industry is run by gay men. Consider the implications of this.

  24. schef said, on August 7, 2008 at 9:03 am

    the long waiting has finally been rewarded with another goodie.
    nice post az!

  25. DeGeorgetown said, on August 7, 2008 at 9:18 am

    Ugh please don’t lump all women in with the shopaholic bimbos. There are plenty of women, like myself or my mom, who dislike shopping as much as the men who get dragged along. These types of women already know what they want/like when they go to the store so they can get in and get out quickly. I hate shopping with friends because they always want to try on every little thing… you can tell just by glancing at the clothes rack that it’s ugly so why try it on?? Since you want your wife to wear different clothes and she wants you to participate in her agonizing shopping spree, have you considered just picking out some stuff and giving it to her? If she complains you can get mad about her ignoring your efforts or something.

  26. Blank said, on August 7, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Ahaha, you still lost to Zangeif.

  27. code monkey said, on August 7, 2008 at 9:59 am

    I hate shopping with a girl. I feel for you, man.

  28. toby said, on August 7, 2008 at 10:02 am

    Argh. I hate that and I’ve also heard the same strip club argument exept it was about admiring cars in the street, which is even more retarded.

  29. Bianca said, on August 7, 2008 at 10:17 am

    Whenever my husband goes shopping with me the first thing he does is plunk down in a chair and take out his Nintendo DS. Or sometimes I just send him off to Game Stop and tell him to be back in an hour, on the off chance that there is no where to sit, or he doesn’t have his DS with him. Usually American stores have chairs though. Hell, one of the malls around here has this sitting areas full of black leather recliners which in turn are usually full of men. It’s kind of like a husband parking lot.

  30. HiEv said, on August 7, 2008 at 10:33 am

    For dealing with the crappy mall music I have two words for you: i Pod. Wait… That’s one word. Anyways, just blot out the crappy music when she’s busy, and pop out the earbuds when she’s there.
    Also, when she gets mad at you for lying about how the outfit looks, that’s not “some unexplained reason”, it’s because you’re blatantly lying. If you don’t want “potato sacks”, tell the truth and make suggestions so she knows what you’d like. Do it nicely, of course, like “That’s OK… but I think you’d look great in something more like this. It would really accent your cute (whatever).” Honestly, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot by not doing this. Yeah, it’s a huge pain, but it’s a few hours of pain in return for many hours of seeing her in attractive clothes (assuming you talk her into buying them). Heck, make it a game to see if you can get her to buy at least one sexy outfit.
    Also, pointing to TV and movies may help dispel the “potato sacks look good” myth that the “fashion” magazines portray. TV is about ratings, so they’re more likely to know what outfits attract viewers.
    Oh, and as for the no chairs thing, that’s just stores trying to “maximize floorspace for the products”, while entirely forgetting about the comfort of the customers. Greed beats service, apparently. 😦
    Anyways, try out the suggestions that I and others here give you and you might get marginally better results than by what you’re doing now.
    Good luck! Let us know how it goes. (hint, hint)
    P.S. Typos – “almost skin” should be “almost akin”, and “outfits of her own” should be “outfits of his own” or “outfits of their own”.

  31. Kohaku said, on August 7, 2008 at 11:28 am

    Come on now AZ, you KNOW thats how it goes….now, you get me in an electronics store, video game store, or a toy store, YES!!!! I will shop around for hours and hours and drool over whats there…but yes…shopping like normal, bores the living crap out of me. People believe because Im female that I HAVE to enjoy shopping….ehhh, not so much. Besides, if you are not “normal” sized shopping is a DEPRESSING pasttime….(as we have all previously discussed)
    Anyway, half the time in J-land the guys are prettier than the girls!!! and yes, their clothing styles are WAY too similar. same *cough* Its all good….I stick to jeans and tees and am comfortable….i havent actually followed “hip fashions” in Kami knows how long…lol…trust me, I feel your pain even worse, because of my sex im EXPECTED to enjoy that….*shudders*
    Either way, this was longer than expected…so
    かんばってあずはん!!!!
    (Az’s Note: Thanks. How have you been?)

  32. kOOpA said, on August 7, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    terrible clothes, all the more reason to be happy when taking them off.
    gotta look at the bright side ^^

  33. Emily said, on August 7, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    dude! advice from a lady who hangs out with a lot of guys, so she knows…
    I hear you. Shopping can be awful and exhausting, and I can’t even imagine what it’d be like in Japan, Land of Sensory Overload. Ideally, you’d like to get out of going if you can. So do some work beforehand, and it may become a lot easier.
    What’s your favorite thing to see her in? Don’t say “nothing” or “ecstasy,” those are cop-outs. If you were going on a date, what would you want her to be wearing? Once you figure that out, let her know. Like commenter’s above have said, you can phrase this like a compliment really easily. Best start with clothes she already owns, so she won’t view it as a big pain-in-the-ass job. “Could you wear that green dress? It looks perfect.”
    You’ll have to endure the potato sacks for a while, but they’ll get phased out, and she’ll know what *you* like and use that knowledge in the future.
    Also, hello! Welcome to the age of the internet. We can shop online now. Do it with her, and you can make it into a delightful little game. The boyfriend and I did this when I was looking to get a new pair of boots. A major purchase, and I wanted to spend my cash in the, um, wisest way possible. I learned a lot about his taste (simple yet elegant, which impressed me) and he got all poetic about me in these hypothetical boots. And we didn’t have to leave our apartment, or get out of our jammies.

  34. Mel said, on August 7, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    Az,
    Get her a form-fitting outfit. Not a revealing one, but one that emphasizes her womanly form and compliments her body shape.
    Make her wear it for a night out, and then see if she likes it. Every girls love wearing clothes that bring attention to their fabulous shape.
    If she does, you can say, “See? There’s nothing wrong with wearing form-fitting clothes, is there?”
    Suggest a couple of things that YOU would like on her the next time you go shopping.
    Good luck.

  35. Hilary said, on August 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    hahaha, I think boyfriends and husbands should just stay out of it unless they need clothes themselves. THATS WHY WE HAVE GAY FRINEDS. 🙂 Girls like shopping, it’s like a mental illness, it’s our high of the day! I’m one of these girls and I don’t drag any guys with me unless they are gay.
    As for baggy clothes, I don’t know what that is all about. It’s kind of normal having big jackets to wear when you are having a lazy day and it’s cold. Sweatpants for the same reason. I think clothes should be fitted. Revealing? Eh, it’s all good if you have the body for it.

  36. Morrigan said, on August 7, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    Dude, I’m female and I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE shopping. Enduring shitty music, having to search for a medium-sized jeans amongst the jeans for anorexic waifs and those for fat cows (“size 4, size 4, size…. size 6, ah? getting closer, size 18? fuck you!”), having to try them on to make sure they fit and then cursing because apparently the size 12 you thought was normal is actually *also* for fat cows, having to shoulder your way through crowds… uuuurgh.
    Christmas shopping is a nightmare for me. It really doesn’t take me long to get in a foul mood and wish I could go back home immediately, or alternatively, get a machine gun and fire randomly in the mall. I also absolutely detest shopping for shoes and/or boots. Unlike pants, which are generally fine on the first try and more available in various sizes despite my rant above (at least compared to shoes), now I have to find shoes that fit, are not ridiculously expensive, will last long enough AND are comfortable. “Those seem nice…” “Oh I’m sorry m’am, we only have size 9’s left”. “Okay, how about those?” “They aren’t waterproof, sorry.” (Why would I want to buy boots that are NOT waterproof, you shitheads?) “Okay, those look decent, are available in my size and are waterproof. How much?” “$400.” ARGH.
    I had a week off between two jobs at the beginning of this year and I used up an entire afternoon just to shop for new shoes and new winter boots and hated every minute of it. I bought a semi-expensive pair of each, so I hope they will last me long enough that the next time I -have- to go shopping for those will be in the far future (my old ones had holes and were taking water and it was only after accidentally stepping into a pond that I resigned myself to go shopping).
    I may not be a guy, but if I ever see a resigned/depressed/irritated-looking male accompanying his girl in a clothing or shoe store and randomly make eye contact, I think I’ll offer him my most sympathetic smile.
    /rant

  37. megu-megu said, on August 7, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    I’m a girl and I HATE shopping (clothes in particular). I’d been dragged by my best friend to hell-like stores for hours (on Christmas season, with awfully-sung Mexican x-mas music playing over and over again!), I wonder if I meet a guy’s eyes would I have a bond moment? would it only be awkward?
    If I have to drag a man to that hell, I make it as quick as I can for both of us and then run like there’s no tomorrow XD.
    Good luck.. really, good luck -_-U

  38. Tensho said, on August 7, 2008 at 6:59 pm

    Street Fighter IV? This really isn’t bloody fair. Question about gameplay: Ken’s Shippuu Jinrai Kyaku (from SFIII – I don’t even know if it’s in SFIV?) – is it still able to be linked off single jabs? It became a matter of survival for me at times.
    A good way to pass your time: you’re wandering around the store, why not keep a weather eye out and you may find something you’d *love* her to try on? Granted, string bikinis may be hard to spot among those burlap sacks, but you never know!

  39. Sakari said, on August 7, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    I haven’t really noticed that many potato sacks here in Japan. In fact, since I came here, I’ve been constantly pleased by the incredible amount of thigh Japanese women show with thir short skirts and shorts.

  40. Colin said, on August 7, 2008 at 10:10 pm

    Been a little while since I posted. My apologies for that.
    My best friend is also my ex-girlfriend. Back when we were together, I used to have to deal with the same crap you’re talking about almost every weekend, and I feel exactly the same way you do about shopping.
    What’s funny is, in the two years since we’ve stopped dating, she’ll still try to get me to go shopping with her. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be able to reply, “Ha ha, fuck you.” Its one of the most satisfying feelings in the world, comparable to finally finding a bathroom after holding it for half an hour. Then she invariably asks why, to which the only appropriate response is, “…because we’re not having sex any more. I’m not REQUIRED to deal with this crap as your friend.”
    A distinct lack of shopping in my life is one of the few great things about being single.

  41. Xak said, on August 8, 2008 at 12:03 am

    Just a comment that I don’t wear clothes to impress anyone. I wear clothes that I like, that are comfortable and every now and then, something where the neckline is way too low because it makes DH smile. I do know what you mean about potato sack clothes and ew. But I’ve pretty much always hated whatever’s ‘fashionable’. Half of it looks regurgitated and the other half probably was. And if I’m going to drag Dh clothes shopping, I throw in a bunch of those shirts he likes. Only fair, right? So don’t lump us all together 😉 (and yes, he still hates clothes shopping). But holy overpriced threads Batman, $400 for a dress? Where IS she shopping and WHY? I just don’t get it.

  42. Wayland said, on August 8, 2008 at 12:39 am

    I think you should get your girl to try out Jules’ idea of making her own clothes. SF-IV is so freakin’ cool. I haven’t played it and I doubt that I ever will. Pray for me. I’ll pray for you in the meantime.

  43. yaburu said, on August 8, 2008 at 12:58 am

    Haven’t missed a beat Az. Not one….fucking…beat

  44. Tone said, on August 8, 2008 at 1:10 am

    “*…Yes, I am playing Street Fighter IV. Yes, it is unfair for you who don’t live in Japan and can’t play it…but it is totally awesome for me.”
    The Street Fighter drought is a tender subject here in the states. It took every ounce of restraint left in the Senate for us not to push the big red button on y’all.
    With that said, don’t push us muth@f2#$a. We hate you for your freedoms.

  45. Justanothermom said, on August 8, 2008 at 1:20 am

    Why do you guys make it so hard on yourselves when it comes to the shopping issue? I don’t LOVE shopping myself, but I do enjoy it when I have someone with me who isn’t feeling miserable about being there. My husband loves to shop for me, but considering what he ends up bringing home when he shops on his own(“I love you sweetie, but that’s a young girl’s size __, and I’m a grown woman;” “yes it’s a nice winter dress, but we’re in the middle of summer”), we’ve found a way to make it an enjoyable experience for both of us when it comes time to get out to the stores. I hope what I suggest will come in handy.
    First off, what was suggested above about perusing the internet for clothes is not a bad idea. You don’t have to actually be shopping, but find some photos online that you can show her of women about her shape wearing the kind of clothes you’re trying to tell her about.
    Also, suggest she take a camera phone with her & send you photos of herself wearing a potentially new outfit, from in the dressing room to wherever you’re at (whether you’re in the next aisle or at home on the sofa). You can then either send her a text message or give her a call with your honest opinion because you won’t be in a situation where you feel forced to lie just to end the torture. We used the photo method once when I needed a new top for a church program I was in, and he was sick and couldn’t leave the house but wanted to be with me.
    As a last resort, you could come to LA and get her on the show “How Do I Look?” so that she could have a clothing makeover…but then, you’d have to be one of the host’s “accomplices” and publicly critique your wife’s style, then go shopping on your own to find outfits that you think would best compliment her shape. I really don’t see you doing that, or even having the following kind of conversation with her:
    Me: “Honey, I’m going to go shopping for clothes.”
    Him: “Really? Would you like some help?”
    Me: “That would be nice, but only if you want to.”
    Him: “You know I love doing anything that lets me spend time with you, baby!”
    (This is not a made-up conversation; we have had this dialogue several times!)

  46. Pretty Girl Living in Japan said, on August 8, 2008 at 2:59 am

    I think that girls that really hate shopping generally just don’t like looking at themselves in the mirror. Shallow? Absolutely. True? Pretty sure.
    Look, just like you said that guys who like to shop have certain characteristics, so do girls who shop.
    If you want a girl who cares about her appearance – not just clothes but in how she eats, exercises, does her hair and make-up, etc. – then you are going to have to put up with it. And as much as most guys say they like the “natural” look, guys, wake up, that look takes a lot of work!
    By the way, when I bring my guy along shopping, it is because I want him to tell me what he likes cause I want to look good for him. So listen to what some of the other posters have said and start getting her to try on some short shorts (totally in style here!) or a slightly less potato-y dress (go in stages, ok?)
    And finally, I hate those dang potato sacks on me, but I think they look cute on the short and small women whose country I live in. 🙂

  47. girlf said, on August 8, 2008 at 8:03 am

    I’ve been following this blog for who knows how long, but now’s the first time I’ve been compelled to comment. You seem like a smart dude, Az, but you’ve come to believe something very false about women, and that is: they dress to please you.
    People have many reasons for wearing the clothes they choose. Maybe you dress to impress, but omg, maybe you ALSO dress to please YOURSELF. Maybe you like something because it’s comfortable, or you think it’s cute, REGARDLESS of other people’s opinions! When you get dressed in the morning, gentlemen, do you always think to yourselves, gee I wonder what style will impress the ladies today? No, you probably don’t. The fact that “tit curtains” persist in popularity is because ladies like it, despite what men may think. So stop getting indignant that we’re ignoring your opinions, what dudes think is far from the be-all and end-all of fashion.
    Also, thanks for generalizing half of the world’s population as catty and manipulative, and telling us we should put more weight in what the people with penises think, because then they might do us a favor and marry us.
    And, holy crap, some of your commenters are even worse. “Ladies wear make up to scare other ladies away from their mens!” BLERG.
    Okay, I’m chilling out. I know you try to be funny when you write, but when your result is slightly misogynistic, you do run the risk of turning off or even enraging a significant portion of your potential readership (the ladies). So sorry for the rant. But why can’t you let your wife dress in a way that makes HER happy? I can understand maybe you want to see her in clothes more to your taste, and she could compromise by doing that sometimes, but ultimately her wardrobe is HER wardrobe, you know? Clothes are one of the best ways to express oneself; don’t try and take that away from her.
    I will completely agree, however, that it is no fun to be dragged around on a shopping trip one has no interest in. (And the loose top style is super comfy in the summer time, btw, because it allows more air around the torso to cool one off. Besides, wearing tight fitting tops in high temperatures can lead to embarrassing sweat stains in awkward places – like cleavage. Blerg, boob sweat is no fun.)

  48. Mibo said, on August 8, 2008 at 8:08 am

    Here’s a tip: if you are going shopping with her, you can try to get her to put on things that aren’t ugly to you. The first time I went shopping with my husband he was obviously in the ‘oh woe is me, I am going shopping with my girlfriend. I bet it will be as horrible as everyone says it is.’ mind frame. After trying on a few halter tops I asked him if there was maybe anything else in the store he would like to see me in and lo, he started getting very interested in shopping with me and picking out clothes. When he needs clothes I do the same for him.
    Use positive reinforcement. Compliment her a LOT when she wears things you like. If you go to a store, look at the clothes on the rack. If you see something that ISN’T ugly, ask her if she likes it. If she tries it on, get all happy and excited.
    Though as an aside? My *wedding* dress didn’t cost $400. Is your wife as focused on saving for the wedding as you?

  49. Alla the Awesome said, on August 8, 2008 at 9:53 am

    I love this blog.
    So, I absolutely love shopping, but shopping in Japan nearly killed me. It wasn’t that there was hardly any room to move, it wasn’t so much the music ( because I can tune it out), it wasn’t even the size differences (I’m skinny everywhere except Japan ><). What really made me run from shopping centers everywhere were the employees. It’s like they find the the girl with the most annoying voice just so they could stand her up in front of the store to yell “IRASSHAAAAIMASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” X_X

  50. Thepenguin said, on August 8, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Im friends with this girl whos into the whole Goth-Lolita thing… she makes me feel dirty
    I think I HATE shopping as much as everyone else here, on the bright side if I do buy some clothes, I know exactly what im getting before I go into the store. Max time spent shopping: 20 minutes

  51. Rox Fontaine said, on August 8, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    So, you’re losing your job at the end of the month and STILL going shopping? Damn, homie. That PayPal account must be on fire!
    (Az’s Note: Actually, no. She hasn’t really bought anything in a while, and this is an editorial I’ve been meaning to write for a few months now – just haven’t had the time/energy to do it.)

  52. Luke said, on August 8, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    I’m confused why you aren’t taking advantage of the situation. You complain about your wife’s sense of fashion (yea I hate those potato sacks too), but you aren’t doing anything about it when you have the chance.
    The only reason she takes you shopping is because she wants your opinion. It’s a good time to be honest about what clothes you like on her. If you really actually like a piece of clothing she tries on she will buy it, hands down.
    Be more active about it. Go look through the clothes yourself and find something YOU like. If you let her pick everything it will take a lot all day for her to find something you like. Plus it gives you something to do instead of just being in the way (might as well do something right?).
    If she says no to something you pick, tell her (don’t ask) to just try it on just to see (she doesn’t have to buy it). Then you can at least see her in clothes you like – who knows maybe she’ll like it and buy it.
    Be more aggressive about what you like and maybe she’ll stop wearing clothes meant for pregnant women.
    Good luck!
    (Az’s Note: Here’s the kicker – I try that. I tell her I don’t like it, she dismisses my opinion. I point out something I do like, she just says “that won’t look good on me” and doesn’t give it second thought.)

  53. SW said, on August 8, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    I’d like to add my voice to those of women who f*cking hate shopping. I don’t mind shopping for athletic gear or lingerie, but even then, the limit is 1/2 an hour. Max. Thank god for the internets. Point, click, done. Doesn’t fit, send it back. No need for those pesky fitting room lines and badly-lit cubicles.
    As for taking my husband with me? WHY? We’ve been together maybe 5 times in 12 years of marriage. He’s the one who tells me I should “go shopping”. I’m not badly dressed, I…just…hate…shopping.

  54. Kat said, on August 8, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    My boyfriend likes to take me shopping when he shops for clothes. I have to sit there and watch him try on tons of stuff and give him handy advice and all. But low and behold, it’s the END OF THE WORLD when I go clothes shopping and he happens to be there. Grumble.

  55. Aaron said, on August 8, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    Thanks for FINALLY making another blog…I was getting worried about you, haha.
    *Cracks the whip*
    Now get back to typing some more of that comedy (with a hint of drama and tragedy) gold!

  56. Anony-mouse said, on August 8, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    Shopping in Japan sounds like shopping in the new “trendy” stores in America. Music at an unacceptably loud level? Check. Too much stuff crammed into a tiny space? Check. Prices beyond what a few strips of fabric should actually cost? Check. Now all Japanese stores need to do is drop the lighting level down to “bat-cave sonar required” and you can feel like you’re really shopping in America!
    I’m not surprised the experiences are so similar though. I work for Disney and once every few months they send representatives from Japan (and Paris) to America to observe how our shops are set up and presented, what music is popular in stores, what clothing styles people are buying, ect. From what I was told, what they see in the states has a fairly large impact on what they will do in their Tokyo stores next.
    On that note, maybe you could work for Disney, Az? I do remember you have theme park experience.

  57. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    use spousal abuse, or falcon punch.
    Seriously teach her that this shit is wrong, stupid and a waste of time. Get her to not drag you into this as well.
    I also suggest a divorce.

  58. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    use spousal abuse, or falcon punch.
    Seriously teach her that this shit is wrong, stupid and a waste of time. Get her to not drag you into this as well.
    I also suggest a divorce.

  59. Liz said, on August 8, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    Az, Az, Az, Az, Az…. *shakes head* How do you guys get into those situations? My husband spends most of a (rare) trip to the mall in an electronics/gaming store. I’m the one who’s like “can we GO now?? Look! I have your wallet, you can’t buy anything anyway, come on!! ah forget it, I’ll be trying on prom dresses for laughs if you need me”
    Just to reassure you though, the layered sacks look has not spread to America. Be cautious of looking too closely at anything flesh-colored though because the way-too-small-for-the-body-in-question look is still quite prevalent among people who think that being a 3X is no reason to buy 3X clothes.

  60. CatRope said, on August 8, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Another great article as always Az, but I’d just like to make one little note…the articles are not being linked correctly on the front page. The URL appears to contain the full article title, which leads to nothing, while the actual article’s URL is cut off. As an example, the front page displays this article’s URL as http://www.gaijinsmash.net/archives/the_devil_is_prada.phtml, but if you click it in the “Recent Articles” box, you find out it is really http://www.gaijinsmash.net/archives/the_devil_is_pr.phtml. This is the case with all recent articles that have long names.
    If you do a little clicking, you’ll see what I mean. Hopefully the issue is fixed, because the only way to view old articles (ones that aren’t on the recent articles list) is to take the URL and backspace one character until you get it right, which can take a while. ><

  61. I_mean_this_sincerely said, on August 8, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Quit your bitching.
    Seriously. Butch up.
    Be glad you have a woman who even cares about your opinion of her looks. She doesn’t have to, you know.

  62. Chris said, on August 8, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    I keep saying, girls should shop on the internet, then buy in the store! that way, no one has to get dragged to a store for hours.

  63. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2008 at 11:44 pm

    i can agree with you, for the most part of your latest update…funny thing is i’m a woman. now let’s bring my hubby into the equation. we are total opposites. he takes FOREVER shopping and asks me to carry his damn bags!! WTF!! i don’t count shoes (b/c you gotta find the RIGHT one), but clothes? i’d rather be a guy…shirt, shorts/jeans, and that’s it. (it must be good to be a guy…simple things to buy >_<)
    for me shopping is a hassle, not only because i have a 6 year old to lug around, but because i gotta try every damn clothes on to make sure it fits. it doesn’t help when the hubby wants to take his sweet time with clothes! while i understand my hubby wants me to look cute…he kinda wastes my time when he wants other things on me that SHOULD NOT be on my body =_=;;
    so yah, i’m not like those kinds of women that just loves to stay in malls and shop ’til they literally drop =_=… i got stuff to do: play some video games, clean the house…etc…
    you can do what my brother do: bring a portable video game if possible. he tends to have deep pockets and he tells me numerous times that it’s worth having it while waiting…lol

  64. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2008 at 11:44 pm

    i can agree with you, for the most part of your latest update…funny thing is i’m a woman. now let’s bring my hubby into the equation. we are total opposites. he takes FOREVER shopping and asks me to carry his damn bags!! WTF!! i don’t count shoes (b/c you gotta find the RIGHT one), but clothes? i’d rather be a guy…shirt, shorts/jeans, and that’s it. (it must be good to be a guy…simple things to buy >_<)
    for me shopping is a hassle, not only because i have a 6 year old to lug around, but because i gotta try every damn clothes on to make sure it fits. it doesn’t help when the hubby wants to take his sweet time with clothes! while i understand my hubby wants me to look cute…he kinda wastes my time when he wants other things on me that SHOULD NOT be on my body =_=;;
    so yah, i’m not like those kinds of women that just loves to stay in malls and shop ’til they literally drop =_=… i got stuff to do: play some video games, clean the house…etc…
    you can do what my brother do: bring a portable video game if possible. he tends to have deep pockets and he tells me numerous times that it’s worth having it while waiting…lol

  65. Liz said, on August 9, 2008 at 8:45 am

    Evil thought, and I hate to scare you…
    but you know that those baggy clothes’ll work just as well when she gets pregnant. Might want to check your condoms for holes ^_^

  66. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2008 at 10:01 am

    I think i had the most awesome day of shopping ever yesterday with my girlfriend. It was a shitty rainy cold day, and while my girlfriend went about trying on a whole crapload of clothes, i sat in a comfy chair under a heating duct and slept. I got an hour and a half worth of precious naptime in one store alone. The next store had a whole BANK worth of guy chairs and i spent about half an hour having a decent chat with the guy who sat next to me.
    best thing though? Even though i barely lifted a finger, the girlfriend couldn’t have been happier with her day, and has been talking about how nice our “day out” was.
    oh yes, street fighter 4? i’m so very incredibly jealous.

  67. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2008 at 10:01 am

    I think i had the most awesome day of shopping ever yesterday with my girlfriend. It was a shitty rainy cold day, and while my girlfriend went about trying on a whole crapload of clothes, i sat in a comfy chair under a heating duct and slept. I got an hour and a half worth of precious naptime in one store alone. The next store had a whole BANK worth of guy chairs and i spent about half an hour having a decent chat with the guy who sat next to me.
    best thing though? Even though i barely lifted a finger, the girlfriend couldn’t have been happier with her day, and has been talking about how nice our “day out” was.
    oh yes, street fighter 4? i’m so very incredibly jealous.

  68. Mayhem said, on August 9, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Thank you Az… thank you for finally talking about this subject that makes grown men nervous, and their credit cards to boot. I’ve been there so many times myself, that I just have to compensate by dragging my other half of the time into some electronics or gaming store :p
    Needless to say it was a riot to read as usual…
    As for SF4, well good things come to those who wait. I got to play it in San Diego last month and yes I’m highly impressed. Needs a few tweaks but all Capcom fighters go through that over time…

  69. Vidgmchtr said, on August 9, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    See, this is another reason I’m glad I’m gay. We don’t have the inconvenience of shopping in clothing stores with a signficant other who takes hours trying on the whole store, and then puts back everything.
    Some might think that gay guys love shopping, but trust me, many gay guys you DON’T see on TV and in movies actually loathe shopping just as much as straight guys. If we must go, there is this “get in, get out” feeling, MAYBE take a detour to the food court and video game store, if we’re in a mall.
    Just another perk of being der homersexual. :3
    Also, you’re right, bishonen don’t count as real men. Many of us look down upon them just as much as you do.

  70. K said, on August 10, 2008 at 5:54 am

    I got to play Street Fighter IV while I was their and it is awesome.

  71. aprilflower03 said, on August 10, 2008 at 9:04 am

    i just wanted to say that i often feel dirty and violated when when men check out my figure, so i like the new “burlap sack” style.

  72. mache said, on August 10, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    If you don’t like your wife’s self-expression (through fashion) maybe there’s a deeper issue. Subjecting yourself to fashion advice (and consuming prepacked fashion ideas) does not necessarily mean that you are trying to impress people, male or female, but rather (imho) maybe lacking creativity of self-expression, or maybe just trying to fit in with the masses. I say let them wear potato sack dresses!—especially if it deters sneaky perverts from taking pictures of their tits/ass…etc. with camera phones…

  73. Laura said, on August 10, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Haha i love Maddox too! 🙂 Clothes shopping is so awesome its one of those things most guys will never get and i totally understand your wife, lots of things look good on the rack but when you try them on you see how somethings wrong with how it fits or looks on you, so you have to go through a lot of crap to find good stuff! 😛
    and i LOOOOVE goth loli fashion! Japans awesome for that ^_^

  74. Kosetsu said, on August 10, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    I am fairly certain I am going to regret this, but does anyone have a good link to a visual example of this burlap sack fashion?

  75. PCash said, on August 10, 2008 at 7:46 pm

    Internet shopping is what you need to teach your wife. I had the same problem, getting dragged around to stores and be board stiff as my wife looks at all the cloths. Her phrase was..”It’s ok, I’m not going to buy it” from which my response was “No..please buy it so we can go home..” or “then why are you looking at it?” However once she discovered internet shopping my life got much better, nothing like staying at home watch tv, or hooking up the old play station why she shops her hart out. Also if THE mood strikes you don’t need to wait..

  76. Rowan said, on August 10, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    My old history teacher told us that whenever his wife would take him shoppigng he would just lie down in the middle of the store. She would gets o embarassed she would tell him to leave and he would go hang out at the nearby bar.

  77. JB said, on August 10, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    I hereby raise a request to all store owners everywhere: In malls, you can deliver your little brat kids to the child care center, WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU HAVE A guy care center? Videogames, a fully stocked bar and a couple of strippers? Way to drive up sales with a small investment.

  78. Kel said, on August 11, 2008 at 12:39 am

    Tell her you’re going off to look at something else and you’ll meet up with her later then head to the nearest arcade to play games. If she busts you or complains, guilt-trip her and accuse her of not caring about your happiness, etc etc…

  79. Jason said, on August 11, 2008 at 10:25 am

    What I do going in, is find a store I like, and then whenever she goes into a clothing store, I’ll tell her that I’ll be back in 30 minutes. I go to that store, and hopefully by the time 30 minutes passes, she’ll be done buying nothing. Two cycles, lunch. Two more cycle, home. Hopefully.

  80. Nils said, on August 11, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    Speaking of fashion, I really LOVE those Gothic Lolita outfits, and I’m rather happy with the fact that they are becoming more common in the Goth subculture in Germany. And I do like shopping for clothes, with both male and female friends.
    But then again, I’m not a “real” man, I’m just a German goth, the androgynous long-haired pretty boy type… 😀

  81. Cameron said, on August 11, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    You have two options here: you do the shopping, or suffer. Which guy do you want to be, the one moping and fidgeting or the one with a well-dressed woman?
    I hate shopping too, and I can’t take it for more than 1 hour doses or four hours total for the month. But it’s simple; don’t let her do the shopping, you do it, and treat it like a job — at least if you’re working, you’re not idle. Pick out clothes and say nothing more than, “Try this on,” “Put it back,” and “Keep that.”
    You don’t even have to pay her any compliments, because any time you go out together, she will come up to you many times to gratefully and affectionately tell you how many compliments she’s gotten that night, and all you have to do is smile and say, “I know.”

  82. Living in NYC said, on August 11, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Why do the women’s department stores have no chairs? Because if they did, women would flock, sit around talking about all the clothes instead of buying them and going away, making room for the next group of women and their money.

  83. sweisbrot said, on August 11, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    I can’t say I know how it is, because I just don’t go shopping here in China (moved here a month ago). I have a really cute Chinese girlfriend, but thank god I haven’t had to go shopping with her. What I hate about China and its women is that they either use umbrellas and wear long frilly dresses with high heels and a bow in their hair, or wear shorts and a t-shirt. I wish all of them could wear the shorts and a t-shirt so they all will be more attractive.
    Not to mention that there are NO stores for men in my city. I live in Wuhan, the third largest city in China, yet I have not found a single store where I can purchase a pair of shorts or a shirt for myself. good game China.

  84. MiMi said, on August 12, 2008 at 4:51 am

    I cannot imagine anything more annoying than bringing my guy with me shopping. How could she concentrate?! Az, shopping for some woman is about expression and creating the mold for us to fit ourselves in day to day. Not to sound like a fashion obsessed freak (i’m really not. i only go shopping every year or so) Some guy who doesn’t ‘get it’ following us around? Now that I don’t get.

  85. Hugo Fuchs said, on August 12, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    You’re losing alot of respect from me, Az. You complain that you don’t like what she wears, but you are unwilling, unlike some of those men she picked out, to choose things for her that compliment her figure. Your like the American who complains about everything, but when confronted with DOING something about it, you run-away like Sir Robin in MPHG. Don’t wimp out, do something.
    Yes, some women initially lack fashion sense. If you go and pick out things that look good and fit right, though it might take several shopping trips, she will pick up on what is and is not stylish. Go for classic style, it lasts longer and looks better over time. Add in a couple of, “bet you wish she were your fiance” types of clothing. And probably a couple too sexy clothes for just around the house. I’ve had to train *several* who couldn’t dress stylishly to save their life. Note: most of the trendy people also have drug habits, unless they’re in rehab at the moment, which explains alot. Oh, pick mix and match type of clothes, because it gives her more options for less money, and it is less likely that she’ll put something together that looks like raggedy-ann. Make sure to include underwear and shoes in that shopping.
    Make it clear you WILL help her clothes shopping, but if she wants your help, you will be picking the clothes (which keeps her from dawdling) and that you get final say on whether to keep or kill anything(assuming you have fitting rooms). Make sure to browse the catalogs online of the stores that you will be hitting. If they carry nothing you’re interested in seeing her wearing, then don’t go there.
    Finally, buy the add-ons that you probably don’t think about. Pantyhose, belts, and elegant looking jewlery (doesn’t have to be real, just look it; Go for artificial stones and electroplated metal). It’s the LOOK that matters, not the cost.
    Don’t forget, after your done, to schedule a day to take her around so she can rub her great new looks into other women’s faces. Very Important. Make sure she knows to say, if someone says, but that’s not *BRAND NAME*. Her response should be, that *BRAND NAME* was the OLD trend, whatever she is wearing is the NEW trend. Never apologize about this … EVER.
    Email me if you need any tips, I spent my whole early life seeing it. My mother was a professional dressmaker/designer.

  86. Lissou said, on August 12, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    I’m a woman, and I hate shopping too. I mean, for clothes. Love it when it’s books, or videogames, or stuff that are actually fun. Don’t like it when it’s for mattresses, toilet paper or clothes, stuff that you need but would like to magically appear.
    I always go with someone because it makes me feel better, and I usually choose someone who likes shopping. So, I’ve found myself in your situation, kind of. The thing is, shopping for me is such a sacrifice that I can’t stand the idea of doing it for nothing. So even if I can’t find anything, i’ll stay for hours trying to find something, so I don’t live empty ended. Losing a whole day of your life like that is so depressing…
    As for fashion… I don’t know. It’s like from time to time people just try to come up with something never done before “hey, you know, I’ve noticed women don’t often wear garbage bags”. “Hey, you sure? Let’s start a new fashion then!”.
    The problem being, of course, that afterwards most stores will sell the ugly clothes and not the normal-looking ones you wish you could find.
    Oh, and your wife should wear clothes she likes. She’s not wearing them for you or anyone else, or shouldn’t. You know what she looks like under them, be happy other men can’t see it 😛

  87. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Japanese (adult) men have basically 3 looks: ‘The Drunken Businessman’ – trashed on a Tuesday night riding on your local train, ‘Pervy Gym Teacher’ – wife-beater T-shirt and short shorts…probably has pictures of random students on his cell phone, and ‘Bon Jovi’ – big hair, dark jeans any actual human could never fit into…possibly wearing sunglasses which are way too big for their face. Anyone who’s spent any ammount of time here can probably attest to this…

  88. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Japanese (adult) men have basically 3 looks: ‘The Drunken Businessman’ – trashed on a Tuesday night riding on your local train, ‘Pervy Gym Teacher’ – wife-beater T-shirt and short shorts…probably has pictures of random students on his cell phone, and ‘Bon Jovi’ – big hair, dark jeans any actual human could never fit into…possibly wearing sunglasses which are way too big for their face. Anyone who’s spent any ammount of time here can probably attest to this…

  89. well said, on August 13, 2008 at 8:17 am

    I don’t like shopping, however, I find it no more offensive than video-game playing. Both are activities you can spend hours on yet end up with nothing to show for it most of the time.
    I think that there can only be a benefit from being engaged in the clothes shopping process. It may seem like work, but there’s a benefit for the guy if he’s picky about what his woman wears.
    I do have a theory (that’s probably wrong) about the appeal of potato sacks.
    They are probably adaptable. When it’s hot it probably has better air circulation than fitted clothing. And when it’s cool you have plenty of room for layers.

  90. well said, on August 13, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Oh btw this reminds me of the ‘football widow’, except it’s for shopping

  91. Kel said, on August 13, 2008 at 8:35 am

    Posted by: Anonymous at August 12, 2008 08:54 PM:
    “Japanese (adult) men have basically 3 looks:………and ‘Bon Jovi’ – big hair, dark jeans any actual human could never fit into…possibly wearing sunglasses which are way too big for their face.”
    hahaha… this is so true it hurts.

  92. well said, on August 13, 2008 at 11:19 am

    I must admit that a lot of Japanese guys in jdramas have hairstyles that would make a woman jealous
    I don’t know how they do it!

  93. Aaron said, on August 13, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    Az, I sympathize wholeheartedly. I hate shopping…period. I don’t care if it’s for me; I don’t like doing it. And window shopping will NEVER make sense to me. Ever.
    …however…um…*fidgets* I actually can understand girl logic when it comes to strip clubs…it’s just an extension of window shopping…sorry. -_-
    You sure there isn’t any way to turn it around on her? Like maybe wear clothing she’d absolutely hate or something. Sure you’d have to suffer a bit, but it might get the point across. And, um…YOU’RE A LARGE BLACK MAN!! Take advantage of that a little! Loom a bit, and be like, “Woman! You’re making me sit in this place for HOURS, you’re AT LEAST gonna try it on!!”
    …I, of course, say this, but how often does guy logic (or conventional logic) work in the realm of females…?
    Good luck, man. Good luck.

  94. ArcherHawk said, on August 13, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    I’m also one of many lasses who loathe it clothes/shoe shopping mostly because of the inefficiency and lack of standardization in women’s clothing as well as the lack of emphasis on real function and overemphasis on girly style. When I’m looking for clothing for what I do, I don’t want frilly/dangling things (safety hazard!) and I hate the fact that there’s very little for those of us who just happen to be built like brick outhouses or D&D dwarves. I just want something that’ll protect me from thorns, bugs & vines! The men’s department is a whole lot tolerable and functional and I’ve just learned to ignore all the people who look at me funny. I’ll shop if I have to like if I need to replace a ratty pair of snake-boots or worn-out gym shoes or a set of faded hunting clothes. Beyond actual necessity to replace worn-out stuff though, I’d rather chew my leg off. And IMO, make-up and obsessing over looks beyond basic hygiene and safety is highly over-rated. It’s one thing when I camouflage my face while hunting or putting charcoal under my eyes to reduce glare, but what the hell is up with people painting their faces for non-functional reasons?
    Give me a chance to shop at a fishing or hunting store, especially in the archery department, though, and I’ll be very enthused. Just don’t inflict any of that fashion or girly crap on me.

  95. Stanley said, on August 13, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    Love the parts about Betty Rubble and the hair on top of the head thing. Usually I don’t mind so much shopping with my girl. I can usually find a place to sit and read or check out the other women. Just this Sunday we were at lunch and I said, “That’s a cute dress that girl has on” and nodded in the woman’s direction. It was a cute dress, but more importantly the woman was cute and by pointing out the dress I could legitimately have an excuse for checking her out in front of my girl. Or so I thought. My girl took it as an indication of how I wish she dressed and said, “Sure, I can dress that way if you want.” Of course, since I’m perfectly happy with the way she dresses and didn’t want her to feel bad, I confessed. “Actually, baby, I just said I liked her dress so I could check her out. You dress fine.” I was busted, of course. But she just smiled, having gotten the truth out of me.
    But it was a pretty dress too.

  96. Tanaka Taro said, on August 13, 2008 at 3:27 pm

    Some of the “fashions” referred to make clear the appeal of school and OL uniforms. At least the uniforms are feminine, color-coordinated, and not painful to look at.

  97. Onyx said, on August 13, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    Lol, my GF is from Taiwan and as you may know, Japanese Fashion is big in Taiwan. So when we first started dating she would wear this big fluffy colorful cloths, not potato sacks but big enough to not be able to see her stunning figure.
    So for her birthday the first year we were together, i decided i was gonna take her on a night out, a nice dinner, dancing all that jazz. But then i starting think’n ” i cant take her out to the places i have in mind with her looking like a fluffy clash of colors”
    So i took her shopping to buy her a nice form fitting formal/party dress.. She loved it, and since then has been buying more of these type of outfits.. Maybe trying something like that will get her to buy loths more appealing to you.

  98. Anonymous said, on August 13, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    The guy that writes these articles seems to do nothing but complain. He seems like the biggest prick in history… How could anyone marry such an ungrateful old fart….

  99. Anonymous said, on August 13, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    The guy that writes these articles seems to do nothing but complain. He seems like the biggest prick in history… How could anyone marry such an ungrateful old fart….

  100. Skarredmind said, on August 13, 2008 at 9:29 pm

    LMAO, almost all of the comments crack me up.
    To the guys who are telling him to go shopping with her and like it… grow yourselves a pair of nads.
    To the girls who are saying the same thing, I feel sorry for your guys… if they put up with that crap they are whipped big time.
    Az… I totally feel your pain… someone higher up suggested a ramen shop… I suggest that you tell her you’ll go shopping with her if she promises to include a stop in whatever the Japanese version of Fredericks of Hollywood is… then at least you have something fun to look forward to 😉 I also try to play up my “I have no fashion sense” deal, and suggest that she bring a friend or two, because they will totally be better at finding clothes she’ll look good in (its not like she’s gonna listen to your opinion anyway)… I also like to suggest that my wife just hang out naked a lot, cuz that’s better than anything that she’s likely to be wearing.
    Good luck tho dude 🙂 Hope married life is working out for you!

  101. Reiichigo said, on August 13, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    o.O $400 dollars for a dress?! The only time I ever spent near that amount ($370 to be exact) was on a hand made (and beautiful) Gunner Yuna costume costume (from FFX2) and you can trust me my boyfriend of the time very much was accepting of that outfit.
    Like many of the other girls who have posted I like clothes shopping quite a bit, but I always have the empathy to know none of my guy friends would want to watch me do this. That’s probably why I prefer clothes shopping on my own anyway. I hate to have people wait for me on selfish acts. And it’s all about understanding who you’re with. Now playing SFIV (>.< I’m…so.jealous..!) with them is good.
    Az,if what everyone else has suggested about helping her choose clothes in a not-lying-but-carefully-using-words-way doesn’t work and it’s still no fun why not just honestly say “Sorry hun but this clothing store is making me feel a bit claustrophobic, is it okay if I get some air? Give me a call when you get done and I’ll hurry back to meet you outside the store.”
    Hopefully that won’t make her mad.
    I understand how girls can be horribly selfish, unreasonable, and defensive in relationships. But most don’t mean to be that way. Sometimes you even just have to tell her they’re being a brat and talk about it. She’ll probably be more of a brat for a while and once she’s had time to reflect she’ll feel sorry.
    It’s not our birthright it’s our upbringing on being told by our father’s that we’re a princess and we have to get over it.

  102. lostintheinaka said, on August 13, 2008 at 11:32 pm

    Dude – two tips.
    1. Buy one of those folding stools with a carrying strap. Bring it with you to the mall and plonk yourself down just outside the shop entrance.
    2. Bring a book/portable games console with headphones.
    One of two things will happen – she’ll either be so ashamed of your old-man chair that she’ll ask you not to come with her (or at least won’t approach you to show you every single potato sack in the shop), or you’ll have a nice sit-down. Win-win situation.
    I bet if you do this, within a few weeks you’ll see other men doing the same. Screw the no-chairs shops. Take the power back!
    (I’m a girl, but I hate having my boyfriend shop with me – that bored look almost makes me hate shopping. Why don’t they have more bars in malls? Or men’s creches with arcades and newspapers? Major business opportunity there…)

  103. evil_tennyo said, on August 14, 2008 at 12:42 am

    haha well I love shopping, but I just normally run through stores until something catches my attention. As for the window shopping, sure we may be able to buy it.. but sometimes we just can’t afford it!

  104. BrianfromNazareth said, on August 14, 2008 at 7:44 am

    If you have no problem with reading while standing, than I propose you take some thick paperbacks with you to the mall like Game of Thrones or Stranger in a Strange Land and have Iron Maiden on your IPhod (or whatever you use) to drown the outer noise. Headbanging while reading Dune will probably ensure that you will be never taken to the mall again.

  105. LinJland said, on August 14, 2008 at 10:01 am

    I’m a girl currently living in Japan and even I’m getting sick of the potato sacks 😦
    You cannot buy a top in Japan at the moment that doesn’t seem as if it were made for pregnancy chic. Most girls here have great figures so I don’t understand it. The tourists you see hobling around from the US on the other hand… a nice potato sack might not be such a bad idea.
    Alas I fall into the clothes shopping as a pastime group but my defence is I equally enjoy shopping for video games and books. Also, I would NEVER take my boyfriend shopping!! Why would I want a moping bf when I can shop with a much happier gf??

  106. cutepiku said, on August 14, 2008 at 11:54 am

    I’m one of those weird girls who hate shopping too.
    My friend and I regularily go shopping at this one mall, but I only go because it has weird little anime/game/dvd/useless things for me to buy shops. I hate clothing shopping, but give me a store filled with useless things to decorate my room with, and I am there.
    Anyways, whenever my friends somehow convince me to go shopping, I end up being the bag lady. I’ve had bonding moments with GUYS over this. I’d see a poor man standing there with bags piled on his arms, and he’d see me with the same miserable expression. At first, they look confused, then we both nod sadly at each other, and it’s like MAGIC happening.
    God, if only clothing had a limit. As in, people could only legally own certain amounts of clothing. That would kick 99% of North American shoppers out of the damned malls, me happily included.

  107. leidbag said, on August 14, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Hey, while SF4 is in Japan, I’m willing to wait out a few more years so that it can tweak out its bugs with “SF4: Hyperactive Fighting EX Plus Squared” to “SF4: The Game that Should have been in the First Iteration, but more sequels means more bucks”, so once it has worldwide release, people outside of Japan can get the “SF3: Third Strike” version of SF4 at the first try. ^_^
    Hey, it kinda worked with how Final Fantasy is released… just give the unreleased sequels to the hardcore fanboys as box sets, and everybody will be happy. ^_~ Oh yeah, funny blog. Shopping sucks. kthnxbye.

  108. Anonymous said, on August 14, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    What? I love the new Japanese fashions! Okay, the big blobs on the head I don’t quite get, but the Japanese pride themselves on being at the forefront of fashion, and according to the current trends I’m seeing in America, I’d say that pretty much hits the mark. Not to mention the loose-fitting styles are more flattering on small-chested people, which is why I think the Asians were so quick to adopt the “potato sacks” as you like to call them.

  109. Anonymous said, on August 14, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    What? I love the new Japanese fashions! Okay, the big blobs on the head I don’t quite get, but the Japanese pride themselves on being at the forefront of fashion, and according to the current trends I’m seeing in America, I’d say that pretty much hits the mark. Not to mention the loose-fitting styles are more flattering on small-chested people, which is why I think the Asians were so quick to adopt the “potato sacks” as you like to call them.

  110. kimmykat said, on August 15, 2008 at 2:21 am

    I hate shopping too. My boyfriend takes so long no matter what he’s buying. He doesn’t like going to strip clubs because he doesn’t like the whole being teased aspect, so I go with him so that we both can always have a happy ending to our night. As a girl I thought I’d be jealous or feel awkward about strip clubs, but it’s actually fun.

  111. Equinya said, on August 15, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    Even though I am a woman, I feel your pain.
    I’m living in the states, but my boyfriend is a Japanese immigrant, who does take longer than me to get ready.
    Since we’ve been together for a year I’ve learned to swallow it. But what does make me THE MAN is that since he’s abnormally thin (6’1”, 125lbs) he often buys woman’s pants because men’s sizes are too big for his holocaust-refugee frame.
    Since I hate the fashion right now, not only do I hate shopping- I just make my own clothes while my boyfriend drags me to shop with him, in the woman’s section.
    In the past year, I have had my share of Guy Moments™.
    Thinking about shopping makes me grind my teeth, but gotta be a man about it.

  112. ArcherHawk said, on August 15, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    Random thought on the person who mentioned the portable seats in the seat-less shops — take one of those folding hunter/3D shooter chairs because you can also put in needed things like food, drink, music-gadget, books, etc under the seat and they’re extremely comfortable and easy to carry. I’ve yet to try this because although I hate girly shopping with a passion, I’ve been lucky to avoid it now that I’m living apart from the people who’ve inflicted it on me (ie, mom, grandma, grant-aunts, well-meaning people trying to get me to become a slutty sheep).

  113. Theresa said, on August 15, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    OK…I just stopped by via a question I asked Jason (JET) regarding how African Americans are treated in Japan. I am interested in teaching there one day. Just wanted to know what kind of experiences they wouldn’t mind sharing with me. Sorry this is off the subject.

  114. Anonymous said, on August 16, 2008 at 5:47 am

    I’m not sure if this has been said (the comments are really long, and I’ll probably get around to reading them all eventually), but from my observations as a female, it seems that baggy loose fashion is so popular exactly because it hides the body so well – a lot of women *don’t* like being objectified, and to wear something that’s both fashionable and not hugely sexual in appearance can be a great thing when you don’t want to walk down the street and have workmen catcalling and old lewd men eyeing your ass. Looking sexy is great, but it’s also tiring and a lot of the time you just want to be looked at as a person, not a body.
    And, as a fashion that hides the figure, it’s a hit with women that have low self-esteem or body image. If it’s ALL your lady ever wears, she’s probably secretly insecure about her belly or her breasts or something.

  115. Anonymous said, on August 16, 2008 at 5:47 am

    I’m not sure if this has been said (the comments are really long, and I’ll probably get around to reading them all eventually), but from my observations as a female, it seems that baggy loose fashion is so popular exactly because it hides the body so well – a lot of women *don’t* like being objectified, and to wear something that’s both fashionable and not hugely sexual in appearance can be a great thing when you don’t want to walk down the street and have workmen catcalling and old lewd men eyeing your ass. Looking sexy is great, but it’s also tiring and a lot of the time you just want to be looked at as a person, not a body.
    And, as a fashion that hides the figure, it’s a hit with women that have low self-esteem or body image. If it’s ALL your lady ever wears, she’s probably secretly insecure about her belly or her breasts or something.

  116. Danno said, on August 18, 2008 at 12:04 am

    At the store, look for things that you want to see her wearing. That way you’ll be doing something, not standing around like a dope.

  117. Anonymous said, on August 18, 2008 at 9:59 am

    As a female type who loves fashion and clothes as much as video games, I may be able to frame it in a more helpful way. Women “gear” themselves in different clothing “items” to increase their “stats”. Some gear for Charisma, some for Dexterity, but they all do it to increase their chances of success at certain “quests”. Since not all women are on the same “quests”, their chosen “items” can vary widely, and can make no sense to others not on the same “quests”. Since you are not on the same “quests” as your female “party member”, the most you can do is be there for her in a support capacity (buff her self esteem, extra DPS for pushy sales clerks, etc.). Sure, she wants you to think she looks like a hot, sexy lady in whatever she chooses to wear, but since you cannot fully understand her particular “quest”, there is only so much you can do to influence her choices on the “items” she “equips”. (Hopefully, she is not “equipping” too many rare “items” with your credit cards.) Reassure her that you think she is a hot and sexy lady, pay particular attention to praising anything she puts on that you think makes her look amazing, but otherwise, just let her do her thing. You don’t know her “quest objectives”, and you don’t want to get an Ultra Combo to the face for suggesting a pair of pants you think are nice, not knowing that every time she has tried that style, it made her ass look huge.
    In this case, positive reinforcement for you is important. When I drag my boyfriend shopping, I make sure that every couple of stores, we go into GameStop or someplace where he can drool over things, and go back to my shopping after he has had time to recover. If you are willing to go shopping with her and carry her bags and give all kinds of sweet and supportive compliments, the least she can do is make sure you have consumed enough caffeine and calories at the food court to prevent passing out, and take you through a man-friendly store occasionally to let you catch your breath a bit. Also, if you end your shopping trip with a stop at a Fredrick’s of Hollywood-type lingerie store, you can both pick out things for her that you will both enjoy. Then when she does the dressing-room fashion show, it will be very very easy to express your approval. She gets whatever clothes she likes, you get the form-fitting stuff you like to see her in- it’s a win-win.

  118. Anonymous said, on August 18, 2008 at 9:59 am

    As a female type who loves fashion and clothes as much as video games, I may be able to frame it in a more helpful way. Women “gear” themselves in different clothing “items” to increase their “stats”. Some gear for Charisma, some for Dexterity, but they all do it to increase their chances of success at certain “quests”. Since not all women are on the same “quests”, their chosen “items” can vary widely, and can make no sense to others not on the same “quests”. Since you are not on the same “quests” as your female “party member”, the most you can do is be there for her in a support capacity (buff her self esteem, extra DPS for pushy sales clerks, etc.). Sure, she wants you to think she looks like a hot, sexy lady in whatever she chooses to wear, but since you cannot fully understand her particular “quest”, there is only so much you can do to influence her choices on the “items” she “equips”. (Hopefully, she is not “equipping” too many rare “items” with your credit cards.) Reassure her that you think she is a hot and sexy lady, pay particular attention to praising anything she puts on that you think makes her look amazing, but otherwise, just let her do her thing. You don’t know her “quest objectives”, and you don’t want to get an Ultra Combo to the face for suggesting a pair of pants you think are nice, not knowing that every time she has tried that style, it made her ass look huge.
    In this case, positive reinforcement for you is important. When I drag my boyfriend shopping, I make sure that every couple of stores, we go into GameStop or someplace where he can drool over things, and go back to my shopping after he has had time to recover. If you are willing to go shopping with her and carry her bags and give all kinds of sweet and supportive compliments, the least she can do is make sure you have consumed enough caffeine and calories at the food court to prevent passing out, and take you through a man-friendly store occasionally to let you catch your breath a bit. Also, if you end your shopping trip with a stop at a Fredrick’s of Hollywood-type lingerie store, you can both pick out things for her that you will both enjoy. Then when she does the dressing-room fashion show, it will be very very easy to express your approval. She gets whatever clothes she likes, you get the form-fitting stuff you like to see her in- it’s a win-win.

  119. neil said, on August 18, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Wow, I think you struck some nerves on this one. Anyway, as the recovering ex-boyfriend of a thrift store-obsessed woman (it may take twice as long, but at least it’s cheaper…?), I can say there is one, and only one, perfect solution to this age-old problem:
    3,4-methylene-deoxymethamphetamine. Handfuls of it. Makes shopping fun again. All things considered, it is probably worth the risk of spending the next 20 years in a japanese prison (where, i might add, there is no shopping).

  120. Anonymous said, on August 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    OMG this is genius my girlfriend is Japanese and we always have this discussion, because i like “girl” stlye (i.e. Koda Kumi) and she enjoys dressing like a luthern from texas. It seems the only thing we can agree on is undergarments so every night i thank god for victoria’s secret.

  121. Anonymous said, on August 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    OMG this is genius my girlfriend is Japanese and we always have this discussion, because i like “girl” stlye (i.e. Koda Kumi) and she enjoys dressing like a luthern from texas. It seems the only thing we can agree on is undergarments so every night i thank god for victoria’s secret.

  122. Jody said, on August 19, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    This is too funny. I’m a female but definitely NOT a clothes shopper — if I don’t see what I want in five minutes I’m outta there (drove my mom & sisters nuts). Bookstores are another story, I can spend hours there.

  123. Chase said, on August 19, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    I agree with everything you just said… especially the lack of chairs. I usually get tired after a while and do a mini-smash and just sit down on the floor next to an empty wall or in whatever corner I can find. As soon as I get up to leave, some other guy takes my place.
    If I ever see a black guy being dragged around by a japanese girl in potato sacks in downtown Osaka, I will totally make eye contact.
    Oh, and if it helps, my japanese fiance explained that girls get the same thrill out of this endless search for clothes and make-up as guys get out of RPG grinding for awesome loot.

  124. katzgoboom said, on August 19, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    Ha, I’m female…and I HATE SHOPPING.
    Like no other.
    I think I’m an abomination. Honestly. I’m a seventeen-year-old girl who, when given a choice between Macy’s, Abercrombie, Hot Topic, and all of those other clothing stores, and GameStop and some book store, I would choose either GameStop or the book store. On the bright side, the few and far-between times I DO get excited about clothing, my parents get all excited and buy it for me, because I’m being girly for once.
    I am, by no means, an unattractive girl, either. Nor do I hate clothes. I love looking stylish (NOT fashionable, there IS a difference. I hate most current fashions, so I make my own style based on classic styles with my own twists. I love doing that). I feel good about myself when I dress well, in my own eclectic style. I just get all of my school clothes shopping done at the beginning of the school year, and that’s all the clothes shopping I get. Maybe, if I see a cute shirt when I’m out with my sister the few times she succeeds in dragging me off, I’ll buy it, I guess. And I usually get tired with shopping within an hour. Then my mom makes me shop for another five, when we get school clothes. It’s hell. I think I could join with all of you men in the male bonding moment of the pure, unadulterated hatred of the shopping trip you’re being forced on.
    So I couldn’t tell you why girls like shopping for clothes so much. I don’t even know why I have so many clothes in my drawers, since I’ve been meaning to get rid of a lot of the things I don’t wear anymore.
    It’s probably because I was raised as the youngest daughter, with two older brothers who basically treated me like a fellow brother, and with parents who didn’t care to differentiate between the genders. Nor did I ever really fit in, so I just eventually stopped trying to be overly feminine, and just be me.
    Though, it always leads me to get hit on whenever I’m in the comic book shop or the video game store…even when I’m with my boyfriend.
    Oh, the life of the hot female nerd.
    So I basically defeat all male stereotypes of females, or female gamer/anime fans. It’s pretty fun being in a class of my own, I must say.
    Just thought I’d testify to my own hatred of shopping.

  125. Liv said, on August 20, 2008 at 3:55 am

    Az, I’m totally with you on being appalled at the state of Japanese fashion for women. I, too, find it unbearable to look at, but for different reasons than you do. In Japan, “cute” and “pretty” are everything, as is creating curves for those delicate, waif-thin bodies. This translates to clothes that look appropriate for a 13 year old, cut to fit the body of one. Disaster for a Western woman over the age of 15. I find it impossible to find clothes here that don’t make me look like Baby Jane. Supremely frustrating. I’ve never liked shopping, but the impossibility of finding anything that fits or looks halfway decent on me makes it even worse. Add the salesgirls bleating “Irasshaimase!” and hovering near my ass the entire time I’m there. Brrrr.
    I’ll let you in on a tip: my friend’s boyfriend hates shopping but has, on occasion, been required to go with her while she bought a holiday gift or two. He’s “suffering” from the instant he enters a store and makes sure she knows it with constant whines and questions. Problem solved – once or twice was enough for my friend and she’ll never ask him again.

  126. autumnfire said, on August 20, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Now you know how we women feel about saggers. They’re covering up prime retail space they should be advertising and they have to waddle.
    Screw that. Dude, go change your diaper and send out someone who wears jeans that have faded spots in just the ‘right’ area.
    What? Uncomfortable? Hard to move around in? Too bad. You’re put here on the planet to give us eye candy.

  127. AFY said, on August 20, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    When you get back to the States, you will find that Macy’s recognizes your pain. A few years back, they installed these large couches with flat screen TVs right outside the dressing rooms. I think maybe even only in front of the women’s dressing rooms 😛
    Congrats on your upcoming wedding, btw. I know I dropped off on emailing (shit, like almost two and a half years), but I’ve been keeping up w/ the posts as best I can and am really happy for you 🙂

  128. Paul said, on August 21, 2008 at 8:49 pm

    There’s only some ways to avoid this shopping problem; I am not sure if I want to give this away since somehow word spreads like crazy. I learned this from years of experience with my mom and sis and working together with mom. I think as soon as you’re no longer young and naive, you are thrown into the gauntlet. I have always wondered why my dad barely (I think two times have I ever seen go) goes shopping with my mom, other than to Jewel-Osco. Luckily for us, I had an older brother, so me (being the more she cared for one; the more dependable you are in the family the less attention you get) would often beg to leave to go to another store. He give that same old crap of watching me. 2 vs 1 trumps mom so off we go, sometimes the results weren’t great as we would fight.
    Anyways, here’s the jist.
    Passively suggest that she should bring along one of her friends. She only drags you along for company or want you to be more “presentable” (you really can’t get out of that one). You’ll avoid many hours of suffering by getting her friend. I don’t know why but they always second guess themselves when buying and need a wing-person. Give her a little extra money, since she’ll be bring along a friend and such (sis wanted to go somewhere ask me to come along, I said to try calling one of her friends to see if they want to, friend says yes, and when she was about to go I gave her some gas money. When she came home, I got a call from her asking what I wanted to eat and bring home).
    Eventually, however, you are going to have to go with her at some point. Otherwise she’ll think you are avoiding her on purpose or whatever reason that’s going through their mind at the time. Who knows? The only thing I can give you advice upon is that: 1) Know where the mirrors and changing rooms are, otherwise you are going to be her search dog. If you can’t find it fast enough, you are in the way. They don’t like that. 2) Tell her you’ll be somewhere in the store (after spending some time with her; 20-30 minute minimum) and if she needs something (probably more money) to call you on your cell and wander to another store. Somewhere near, but don’t leave with the car or nothing that extreme 3) If she does call you, get there ASAP. Nothing worse than to keep her waiting, as it will be blown into something else. 4) Regularly check back in or around the store, so she’ll think you have been around the store all along or in case, she repeatedly calls you. 5) Find a cart or a bag for her, so you don’t have to be the mule and can’t escape. Carts are more preferable since they can dump and organize without much complaint (sometimes when you bring help, it’s not enough = if it’s not enough, then it’s in the way and are to blame) 6) Sometimes, if you have been fully exceptional and she had a good time shopping/haul, she’ll feel pity that you have gotten nothing. She wants to make it up to you. It could be anything. Don’t push for it if she doesn’t offer anything (often they are full of glee the whole ride home and how much they got for so little that they forget you were even there). REMEMBER she has to be the one who ask you. If she asks you what you want, nothing too fancy or to ruin her mood and you’ll be fine. Sometimes, they just do you favors instead of asking if you want something. Sometimes it’s really hard to pick up on it so just try to be aware. Accept whatever she gives you no matter how worthless it is; i.e “thank you” or “you can use the car now”. Don’t be sarcastic. That’ll just make things much, much worse.
    Also, if possible, go to the shoe sections. There’s always one of those shoe stools or chairs. That way you can tell her that you are checking out shoes and you’ll be nearby when she summons you. Nintendo is every guy’s best friend. Next to that is a cell. Music is okay if you can handle hours of your playlist over and over, but make sure your cell is on vibe in case she calls. You get a seat and entertainment, and all you need is fuel. Food/drink is a dependable situation…DON’T get into trouble with the store.
    The only thing I haven’t been able to figure out is when they buy a piece of clothing for you. I have no idea how to deal or react in a way that’ll make things less worse but if you know, please make a story about it on the site.
    MY other, more simple way is just get her pissed off so much that you don’t have to go. I STRONGLY don’t recommend this as afterwards, sometimes YEARS afterwards (most of the time you won’t remember), you are going to pay for it in some way (or your whole life with that incident drag over your head) or lose an argument with her.
    Best of luck and I hope some of this will help you. *salutes*

  129. Lindsay said, on August 24, 2008 at 6:29 pm

    Yargh. I’m in agreement with several of the other ladies up there – I’m a woman and I simply detest shopping. I just want to go in, get what I went there for, and get the hell out. I might browse for a few minutes if something else catches my eye, but if anyone sees me spending more than 20 minutes total in a clothing store, I’m probably there with my mother. I don’t even like spending a lot of time in stores for things I *do* enjoy (games/movies/silly electronics/art supplies/food).
    Needless to say, most of my friends hate shopping with me and generally do not invite me along, for which I could not be happier. 😛

  130. a FEMALE said, on August 27, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    I like shopping. I like all kinds of shopping. Computer stuff, video game stuff, books, clothes, shoes, crafts, whatever. If it is something I want, I like to shop around for a kicking bargain.
    I also like fashion. I like fashion as art and a form of self-expression. I don’t dress for other women, nor especially for men. (I’m not so desperate for a girlfriend that I’m going to try desperately to fit some role of what a “proper” dyke should wear…) I wear makeup because it’s fun, and the same with my clothes. Not all women can be fit into an either/or category. We’re not all either some “desperate twunt who shops mindlessly”, nor the opposite “trying too hard to be one of the guys so we can have their approval”.
    Also, I especially love just browsing clothes, because half the time it just gives me ideas for something that I can make at home, but BETTER.

  131. Ashley said, on August 29, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    I’m a girl and I can’t stand shopping, I hate it with a passion. And even though I am female I’m rather…butch without being lesbian(bisexual!) and I have shared that moment with a guy, that look that we are not the only one in hell.

  132. Ambrosia said, on August 30, 2008 at 2:14 am

    lol, Sounds like your wife needs to look at some Gyaru mags. Sure, you may hate some of the street fashion over there, but probably her having some kind of interest in AGEHA magazines or some shit might save her soul.
    That… and I can’t stand shopping in-store either. Too much fucking hassle, and if I go with someone (like my mom, for example), we would be there for hours, because people like to go look at each item for like 5 minutes. And then again, the whole “no seats” thing. I don’t get how some girls do it but I absolutely can’t stand it unless I’m taking painkillers for the strain in my feet.
    Online shopping ftw. Seriously.

  133. Kalle said, on September 11, 2008 at 7:49 am

    My (Japanese) girlfriend isn’t into shopping at all. I mean, we sometimes go look at stuff, but she rarely if ever buys anything, and it’s almost always me going “wanna check some other store out?” Actually, my biggest problem is that whenever she finds something that *I* like on her, I end up buying it (and then sitting at home looking over my finances and going “fffuck…”), disregarding her protests.
    Then again, neither I nor my girlfriend have a lot of cash, and she’s a very level-headed person. Maybe if our finance situation was different, she’d be all over those stores. Right now, it’s a luxury we can’t even afford.

  134. tia said, on September 18, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    I used to hold a carrot out for my male friends to come shopping with me; they were allowed to force me to try on at least one thing of their choice in every store we went to and at 30 min intervals if I stayed in one store too long. It usually worked out pretty well for everyone involved…

  135. Ariah said, on January 31, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    How random is it that I found Maddox’s site, after having forgotten about it for like two years, earlier today, and read the “tit curtains” fashion post? ^_^

  136. Anonymous said, on April 5, 2009 at 5:17 am

    I know from personal experience that the thing about strip clubs is totally not true, or if it is…then there is at least a growing minority out there whose wives are willing (and weigh the same as when they got married) but they want strip clubs anyway. sigh. anyway, cool post!

  137. Anonymous said, on April 5, 2009 at 5:17 am

    I know from personal experience that the thing about strip clubs is totally not true, or if it is…then there is at least a growing minority out there whose wives are willing (and weigh the same as when they got married) but they want strip clubs anyway. sigh. anyway, cool post!

  138. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    THANK YOU.
    I thought I was the only one who thought the potato sack/titcurtains were ugly as sin. And I am a woman. Granted, I’m not the most feminine example, and I wear baggy clothes that obscure my figure, but at least I’m aware of the fact that I’m not dressing attractively.

  139. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    THANK YOU.
    I thought I was the only one who thought the potato sack/titcurtains were ugly as sin. And I am a woman. Granted, I’m not the most feminine example, and I wear baggy clothes that obscure my figure, but at least I’m aware of the fact that I’m not dressing attractively.

  140. Trench Kamen said, on April 24, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    THANK YOU.
    I thought I was the only one who thought the potato sack/titcurtains were ugly as sin. And I am a woman. Granted, I’m not the most feminine example, and I wear baggy clothes that obscure my figure, but at least I’m aware of the fact that I’m not dressing attractively.


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