Gaijin Smash

Darndest Things Vol. 5

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on May 13, 2008

Is that right, volume 5? I dunno, I’ve lost count over the years.
I figure, having lived in this country for almost 5 years now, that I’ve pretty much seen and heard everything. Well, not everything mind you (I don’t live in Tokyo), but I think I’ve had my fair share of knock-you-on-the-floor-WTF moments. From The Greatest Question Ever (“how many women have you raped?”), to Ms. Americanized’s “c’mon America, come bomb the shit out of us”, and even the one time I was greeted by a 14-year old Japanese girl with “Hey nigga!” only to have the Japanese woman standing next to me exclaim “What the fuck?!”, all in English*, I kind of figured there wasn’t much else that could phase me anymore.
Boy, was I wrong.
*I’m still amazed that the universe didn’t collapse into itself upon this incredibly unlikely sequence of events converging upon each other at one specific point in time.
***


Try to imagine: you’re an Australian guy, you came to Hokkaido, Japan as an English teacher where you worked for two years. Wanting to get out of the English teaching field, and a change of scenery, you manage to find a job in translation in Osaka. Not long after you’ve moved your whole life from the green rolling hills of Hokkaido to the hustle and bustle of Osaka, and left behind the joys and wonders of English teaching* for a desk job, some of the guys at your new workplace take you out for a few drinks. And it doesn’t take very long for the Korean guy to ask you, “Now, exactly how long is your dick?”
*Complete sarcasm.
I really don’t remember how the conversation got to this point. It could have been anything, really – we could have been talking about Care Bears, the state of the American economy, or The Spanish Inquisition (which nobody expects). All I know is that we ended up on penis size, and the Korean guy, in 100% earnestness, asks the Australian guy “C’mon, how long is your junk?”
If you’ve been reading along, you know that I’m no stranger to conversations about my penis, or someone else’s penis, while in Japan. When I lived in America, the penis was a lot like The Illuminati: something that possesses great power, but only works in the shadows. The penis was never seen or talked about – when there was a use for it, it appeared, did its job, and disappeared back into the mysterious shadows. …This is not the case in Japan. Holy crap is it not. But while I’ve been subject to a lot of penis discussion, most of it has still been laden in innuendo – how monstrously big I must be, and how poor Japanese guys must look small in comparison.
I can honestly say that this is the first time I’ve ever heard someone just flat out ask for a precise measurement.
Not only me and the Australian guy, but the other Japanese guys there as well are floored by the question. The Australian guy does, really, the only thing he can do in this situation – attempt to deflect the question like a skillful politician. “And what about Az? Why aren’t you asking Az this question?” The Korean guy’s answer: “Oh, I already know.”
He’s referring to a snowboarding trip we took a few months ago. The resort we stayed at didn’t have private bathrooms, so we all had to bathe together in the public baths. On the first day I managed to avoid going at the same time as everyone else, but on the second day it was now or never – and given the choice of keeping my naughty bits unseen, or having to endure a 7 hour bus ride while dirty…well, I jumped in the bath. Cleanliness > modesty.
Me: …Aha! I knew it! I knew you’d look.
Korean Guy: Of course I did. When else am I going to get such a fine opportunity?
Australian Guy: …And?
Korean Guy: I thought, yeah, not bad while small, but I couldn’t help but to wonder how big it’d get hard…
Me: THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ME TO GET HARD WHILE BATHING TOGETHER WITH ALL OF YOU.
Korean Guy: Yeah, I know, but still, I had to wonder. I thought about maybe coming over and talking about porn with you, seeing if I couldn’t get a rise out of you.
Me: I repeat: THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ME TO GET HARD WHILE BATHING TOGETHER WITH ALL OF YOU.
Korean Guy: Yeah, yeah, I know. Anyway *back to Australian Guy*, so, how many centimeters long is your dick?
As we try to explain to the Korean guy that this is not really a question that men ask each other, he tells us its quite common in Korea – in fact, according to him at least, when guy friends want to cement their bond, they go to a public bath together and size each other up.
…We all agreed that Korea was going to be dead last on our list of “Countries To Visit Next.”
***
One day out of the blue, Small Wonder turns to me and the Australian guy and asks “What does ‘7th Heaven’ mean?”
…A cheesy show on the WB that has somehow eluded the cancellation hook?
All jokes aside, we tried to explain that it meant something really good, like how eating a slice of New York cheesecake might put you in 7th Heaven or something. Small Wonder asks us if its a common phrase. We tell her no, we don’t really use it that often.
“Oh,” she says, “so I guess I can’t really use “take her to 7th heaven with your new monster tool!” in any English conversations, can I?”
…For the love of God, PLEASE stop trying to pick up colloquial English from spam email titles. No good can ever come from this.
***
There’s a new Japanese lady at work. She speaks English quite well – she’s married to an Australian guy (not the same guy from above), and had spent several years on study abroad in America and in Australia with her husband before coming back to Japan. She tells me that she’d stayed in the good ‘ol south while in America, and even had a southern accent to boot! She no longer has the southern accent, but I really wish she did, as nothing would round out my experience in Japan better than a Japanese woman speaking in a country drawl.
Anyway, one day I was talking to her about all the various things I have to do around the house. As we’re both working, my wife expects me to pull in my share of the housework. If she cooks, I have to do the dishes. And I have to remember to properly do the laundry before it starts to pile up. Things I may drag my feet about…but no matter how much I want to argue about it, ultimately she’s right so the only thing I can do is just suck it up and do it.
So as I was explaining this, this Japanese woman stops for a minute and says “Oh, waitaminute, you’re…you’re…oh, I know this word….you’re pussywhipped!” When her outburst reduced me to a laughing mess on the ground, she fretted “oh, I’ve been picking up too much bad language from my husband…”
Now, when a Japanese woman tells you, in English no less, that you’re pussywhipped…I think that’s sort of a code red emergency. I feel like I need to round up 299 of my fellow countrymen and defend the ideals of freedom and justice in a fight to the death against 1 million Persian soldiers. While I wear nothing more than a cape, a helmet, and some speedos. Nothing less will allow me to reclaim my manhood.
***
One day, Doris and the Japanese lady mentioned above were processing refunds. The Japanese woman was marvelling over some type of bra with gel pads designed for extra lift and roundness and…whatever it is that bra pads do. My knowledge about bras is limited to how to take them off with one hand. While translating and processing the item data, we’d come across the description for the “super gel pads” or whatever, so the Japanese woman was thrilled to get to see a real live one. As I’d done the translation for this particular product, I was a bit curious, so I turned around to also get a look at it.
“Here you go,” Doris says, handing me one of the gel pads. “You just wanted to touch some gel titty, didn’t you?” she says. I tell her that wasn’t my intent, but her answer to that is “No no, it’s okay – you’ve been in Japan for awhile now, haven’t you? I can imagine you’re pretty titty-deprived.” She turns to the Australian guy who sits next to me. “C’mon, you can touch the gel titties too!” The Australian guy, who is ordinarily pretty reserved, refuses the offer, but Doris literally throws the gel pad into his hand. “C’mon, you’re a guy, don’t be modest! You can be honest about wanting to grope a little titty. It’s okay.”
As the Australian guy continues to deny wanting to cop a feel on a bra pad, Doris begins another one of her epic dialogues. Pointing to me and the Australian guy, she says “See, you guys probably know nothing about bra pads. You both come from countries where the women have ample bosoms and don’t need these kinds of things. But see, we Asians aren’t that blessed – we NEED these. Without these, we just look like flat-chested little boys. But hey, with these bra pads, maybe we can almost start to look feminine! Oh, if only I’d been born in America! Then I could join you two in being amazed over bra pads, and not secretly thinking of all the padded bras I have at home!”
You know, if I ever do put Operation D-Cup into motion someday, I think I’ve found a passionate and committed general to help spearhead the cause.
***
Speaking of, I got Doris to repeat her “Asians are flat” rant. The Japanese lady asked Doris to tell her a funny joke…Doris then defaulted to me, and then I once again pulled out the nearest catalog, and pointed out how all of the regular clothes models were Japanese, but then when it came to underwear models, they all suddenly became Gaijin. Doris repeats her “Asians are flat!” rant, which the Australian guy and Japanese woman had never heard before, and thus were floored laughing.
“Unfortunately,” Doris says, “this isn’t a joke. This is reality. Look at this,” she says, pointing to a rare page that featured a Japanese underwear model. “You don’t think – oh, sexy beautiful woman! No. This makes me think of that little strip of highway that airplanes land on.”
“You mean a runway?” I manage to blurt out between laughs.
“Oh, is that what its called? Yeah, a runway! See, look! *flips to a page with foreign models* Beautiful, sexy, curvy women. *flips to the page with the Japanese model* Japan airlines flight 22, now landing on runway 6. Just straight and flat.”
I’m starting to think she has a bit of a complex about this.
***********
For those who keep asking about the wedding fund: click on the button below for donations.
The official date is September 20th. I will try to throw up a few pictures of the event – its the least I can do.

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62 Responses

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  1. Hobbit! said, on May 13, 2008 at 4:26 am

    Yet again you have me in stiches with laughter, absolutly wonderful – oh Just so you know, the octopus story reached my classroom today, the TEACHER was reading it from a print out of this website – Good job!

  2. Shamie said, on May 13, 2008 at 4:31 am

    … I fucking love Doris haha. I never heard of those gel-things until last year. They were sitting on my roommates dresser… and me and my other American roommate stood there and stared at them blankly before figuring out what they were (we’re both C-cups, no need for these devices). But, through my 2 years of Japanese roommates, their breasts and outgoingness have gone up together. Maybe next year I’ll get a stripper….

  3. Anonymous said, on May 13, 2008 at 5:18 am

    It’s always so funny to me to read about your aversion to and apparent paranoia about semi-public nudity. I live in a country where bathing alongside dozens of other men is very much the norm(no, not like that… weirdo).
    What cracks me up is that whenever I go to the swimming pool I can always pick out the americans (and other similarly afflicted nationalities) because they are the ones who give themselves a quick embarrassed splash with their bathing suits on while keeping their gaze firmly nailed in the straight ahead position, stubbing their toes and bumping into low things and in one hilarious instance a small naked boy(I think the poor american is still in therapy while the little boy simply recanted with the local version of “look where you’re going dude”).
    Social repression is funny.

  4. Anonymous said, on May 13, 2008 at 5:18 am

    It’s always so funny to me to read about your aversion to and apparent paranoia about semi-public nudity. I live in a country where bathing alongside dozens of other men is very much the norm(no, not like that… weirdo).
    What cracks me up is that whenever I go to the swimming pool I can always pick out the americans (and other similarly afflicted nationalities) because they are the ones who give themselves a quick embarrassed splash with their bathing suits on while keeping their gaze firmly nailed in the straight ahead position, stubbing their toes and bumping into low things and in one hilarious instance a small naked boy(I think the poor american is still in therapy while the little boy simply recanted with the local version of “look where you’re going dude”).
    Social repression is funny.

  5. Tarak said, on May 13, 2008 at 5:52 am

    damn, watching this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc then reading this article gives me a strange tingling sensation

  6. Mayhem said, on May 13, 2008 at 6:09 am

    We miss you Az… I needed that laugh. As for spam email titles, I guess it depends on what they are and how they are used. Some people pick up English from watching TV… maybe some people will do it with unsolicited email!

  7. Archer Falcon said, on May 13, 2008 at 8:15 am

    Koreans are funny like that with being a bit more open with their stuff… as my poor dad learned when he got stationed there (but apparently the culture shock didn’t scare him enough to keep him from marrying the woman who’d be my mom!) I think we Americans are a bit too tied up with modesty, but then again, we DID get the Puritans instead of the convicts and prisoners like the Australians did.
    Funny you mention the gel cups too. I used to use them when I was still out of the woods and somehow fell in with a bunch of ballroom dancers. They seem to make assumptions that all females have big breasts but some of us are a little flat up there and thus needed the help to keep our costumes on. Thank goodness those days are gone and I actually like being a bit flat, makes archery a whole lot easier for me!
    I love those darndest things stories!

  8. Savio Mathews said, on May 13, 2008 at 8:57 am

    Hi Az!
    The donations page isn’t working!!!!
    (Az’s Note: Fixed.)

  9. Dagbert said, on May 13, 2008 at 10:30 am

    Clearly, I have been hanging out with the wrong bunch of Asians.
    Or, the right bunch?
    Hmm.

  10. Mike said, on May 13, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Dude I think the Korean is gay.

  11. Gino said, on May 13, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    you ever just think about carrying around a recorder with you sometimes?

  12. M said, on May 13, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    When did you become australian?

  13. Anonymous said, on May 13, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Hey, I discovered your site a while back, but I haven’t ever commented before. I’ve been reading through the old articles. Anyway, I cracked up when I read the “take her to 7th heaven with your new monster tool” part. That sounds exactly like the emails I always get. Awesome site, keep the updates frequent! I hate waiting for them.

  14. Anonymous said, on May 13, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Hey, I discovered your site a while back, but I haven’t ever commented before. I’ve been reading through the old articles. Anyway, I cracked up when I read the “take her to 7th heaven with your new monster tool” part. That sounds exactly like the emails I always get. Awesome site, keep the updates frequent! I hate waiting for them.

  15. HiEv said, on May 13, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    Hey, main page is borked again. It’s pointing to:
    http://www.gaijinsmash.net/archives/darndest_things_vol_5.phtml
    instead of:
    http://www.gaijinsmash.net/archives/post_2.phtml
    I’m glad I use the RSS feed instead of the main page. I’d be really frustrated if I saw a new entry here that I couldn’t read! šŸ™‚

  16. joe blow said, on May 14, 2008 at 12:32 am

    Az, in China calling a girl a runway (fei ji chang) is like us saying a girl is “flat as a wall”

  17. code monkey said, on May 14, 2008 at 8:28 am

    (Sigh…) I miss Japan.
    Hey, you could compile these and may have a TV show with 15 minute sketches bases on the darndest things!

  18. Andres0082 said, on May 14, 2008 at 9:35 am

    So rounding up 300 gaijin?
    i can figure the scene
    “This is Pussy whipped!”
    “Whipped…”
    THIS
    IS
    MANHOOD!!

  19. Liv said, on May 14, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    I once had a Japanese coworker tell me she’d learned a lot of English from watching South Park but, to her dismay, her male Western coworkers told her she wasn’t allowed to use such strong language when she greeted them in the morning with, “What’s up, fucker?”
    “What the fuck ever!” she complained to me. “I do what I want!”
    I’ve been felt up in the hall way by a 5 year old I didn’t know. She lunged up, grabbed a breast and shouted, “Chichi! Kirei!” I promptly crawled into a bathtub naked to sob.
    And speaking of Japanese flatness, the most off the wall thing I’ve ever heard while living in Japan wasn’t even from a Japanese guy; it was an American from freaking North Carolina. He stopped me in a shotengai and said, “Where are you from? Boy, it’s nice to see a full-figured woman in Japan for a change.”
    I am 4’11” and weigh about 90 pounds. NINETY … POUNDS.
    I think maybe he and I have both been here too long.

  20. Nephrite said, on May 14, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    Ayo AZ..?? you need your own show man … for real.. this is the funniest shit EVER!! ive been readin your posts for like EVER!!
    the show could be called “Only In Japan” hmm.. or maybe “Gaijin Express” hmmmm.. anyways ..it would be directed by Larry David and starring Chris Tucker portraying yourself..
    of course the showwould tell you tale of an american JET teacher in japan.. (your varied tales of WTF moments) and hilarity would ensue!!!

  21. Moe said, on May 14, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    > …For the love of God, PLEASE stop trying to pick up colloquial English from spam email titles. No good can ever come from this.
    How are the Japanese spam titles, then? Do women (outside of porno) ever say that they’re “anata no mono” or whatever it was?

  22. Patrick said, on May 14, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    Field Marshall Doris, 1st Battalion, XO of Operation D-Cup. I like it.
    Sometimes I wonder if you’re pulling our legs about all of this stuff. Then I go dump a few Japanese pages into Babelfish and try not to laugh. Truly, it is a silly place.

  23. JD said, on May 14, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    hmm, the thing about the social repression about public nudity isn’t really a big deal. Every society has some form of taboo subject, if you came to the US you probably would have some hangup that would make Americans laugh too, it’s just not as obvious. Breaking a few traffic rules in the middle of nowhere drives some people crazy, even though the reasons for those rules don’t exist in the sticks.
    Great site, you’re one of the 3 or 4 people who post things that are worth reading on rudius.

  24. the Scarf said, on May 15, 2008 at 10:04 am

    You’re getting married on my birthday!
    If that isn’t something awesome to think about (for me anyways) then I dunno what is!

  25. Anonymous said, on May 15, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    Australian? Weren’t you from San Francisco?

  26. khastalphos said, on May 15, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    5 years and this is the first time you’ve been asked about the length of your penis?? Wow. Have I got a story for you. So, I’m presently an English teacher here in Japan, but back when I was in high school I also studied abroad here for a year. On my first day of high school, some of my (braver) new classmates gathered around me and tried to form questions for me using the small bits of English they knew and the even less Japanese I knew back then. They asked me one that I didn’t understand completely, but I knew it had to do with length.
    Now mind you, looking back on this situation after having lived in Japan for 2 years and being able to speak the language now, it seems REALLY obvious what was going on.
    *sigh* It wasn’t so obvious to my 18 year old mind back then. They were gesturing downward and asking how many centimeters something was. I understood this to mean shoe size. Like you, Az, I am not a small person. I told them the truth – 30cm. They were understandably floored, and for weeks afterward I would get random appreciative pats on the shoulder from classmates I didn’t even know, followed by, “30cm, huh? God-damn.” I even got asked if I had named it once.

  27. Renan said, on May 15, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    omg. isn’t JAPAN a complexed country.

  28. Justanothermom said, on May 16, 2008 at 12:32 am

    “Australian? Weren’t you from San Francisco?” This is what happens when you speed read, and don’t take the time to actually enjoy the article. Az was talking about someone else, not himself. LOL!

  29. Aerox said, on May 16, 2008 at 7:35 am

    Hmm, so you’re marrying on my birthday is it? šŸ˜€ Nice timing šŸ˜€
    Good luck Az, and good update as well šŸ™‚

  30. Ani said, on May 16, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Man, I always crack up laughing with you! I’m starting to thank god i’m not a guy, cause i still do wanna go to Japan someday, without having to answer a penis inquisition.
    I’m from Brazil, and lived in USA for a while. So be sure: you guys did some pretty weird stuff for me too.. lol we all do.
    Keep up the good work, Az!

  31. EvilAbrahamLincoln said, on May 17, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    It could be worse. My first day in Germany, I was asked the same question by two bartenders. The first one (a woman) held her hands a foot apart and said, “Is it this big?” The second one (her boss) grabbed his mobile phone and showed me a Mandingo porn .wav file. He was greeted by a simple question; I was given visual aids and friendly requests for comparison.

  32. Jerry said, on May 18, 2008 at 12:18 am

    Hey, did you use to go to Davis?
    (Az’s Note: Yeah…)

  33. Anonymous said, on May 19, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    Az, it’s so nice to see you post more!
    Also, khastalphos, I loved your story too. 30cm, huh? ;D

  34. Anonymous said, on May 19, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    Az, it’s so nice to see you post more!
    Also, khastalphos, I loved your story too. 30cm, huh? ;D

  35. BrianfromNazareth said, on May 20, 2008 at 7:05 am

    “take her to 7th heaven with your new monster tool!”
    This phrase should be used more often in advertising.

  36. Spooky Electric said, on May 20, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Wow, some people can’t read. There was an australian dude there WITH him. He isn’t claiming to be aussie. Lord.

  37. Anonymous said, on May 21, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    Aww, crap. Does this mean you have to remeasure everything in cm so you know how to answer when Japanese people ask you questions like this?
    That’s annoying.

  38. Helge said, on May 22, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    Shoot, meeting a Japanese woman who speaks with a southern accent can happen here in the States, since there are plenty of nth generation Japanese Americans living south of the Mason Dixon line.
    But yeeeeears ago one of my classmates, who happened to be Japanese American, was taking me along to pick up his sister from the bus stop: she was just returning from studying in Germany. So I was completely floored to meet this very Japanese looking girl addressing me with the dialect of the German Palatinate, where I lived for a few years.
    It’s kind of like going into a sushi bar, and the chef dishes you up a plate heaped with wuerstchen, fried potatoes, and sauerkraut, along with a large glass of that red wine the make there in the Rhineland. (Damn, I’m getting nostalgic!)
    Very cool.

  39. Korea Beat said, on May 30, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Koreans tend not to have an edit function. If they think it, it comes out.

  40. Anonymous said, on June 3, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    I asked about Davis because I think we knew each other. I was an English major, and remember speaking with you on a number of occasions in front of Olson. At least, I think it’s you. (Shrug)
    (Az’s Note: Well, I was an English major and did have many a class at Olson, so its very possible…)

  41. Anonymous said, on June 3, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    I asked about Davis because I think we knew each other. I was an English major, and remember speaking with you on a number of occasions in front of Olson. At least, I think it’s you. (Shrug)
    (Az’s Note: Well, I was an English major and did have many a class at Olson, so its very possible…)

  42. Jerry said, on June 5, 2008 at 6:47 am

    I ran into this site a couple of years ago and thought it might have been you (as I remembered), but just didn’t have the gumption to ask back then. We spoke about the divide between northern and southern Californians, how during the drought of the early 90’s you complained that southerners were lackadaisical of water needs. Funny enough, that’s the only conversation I remember. But you were rather fervent on protecting the honor of northerners. Considering that I spoke to you at all, especially in front of Olson, we must have had a class or two together. I’m pretty sure you were a year ahead. I graduated in 2003. Just thought making the connection with you after all this time might be funny. Appears that you’re doing well.
    Maybe we can talk (over email). Posting a comment seems like a rather inefficient way to chat. Take care.

  43. Loner said, on June 5, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Even after many years, japanese people never cease to amuse us, right? I just hope they don’t suddenly fall in normality… what would we mock?

  44. Daryl said, on June 6, 2008 at 8:27 am

    No more posts Az? Just when I was getting used to my regular updates….hope to hear from you soon.

  45. FLiPP said, on June 9, 2008 at 9:43 am

    “I thought about maybe coming over and talking about porn with you, seeing if I couldn’t get a rise out of you.”
    :O! WAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHALMFAOAAAAAAAHR.I.P.

  46. www.zyoose.com said, on June 11, 2008 at 4:21 am

    I can’t wait to go to Japan this month…

  47. Selina said, on June 11, 2008 at 11:39 am

    It’s been ages since I’ve read your posts and I’m glad you haven’t stopped posting!! Love your stories, you still crack me up after all these years!! =)
    On a side note, I don’t even remember you getting married….(belated congratulations!) guess I’ll have to go through your archive to pick up where I left off O__O

  48. minaprefect said, on June 16, 2008 at 10:11 am

    When a woman think it’s funny someone has to SHARE in household chores… I think we can pretty much say goodbye to Japanese in several hundred years. I think it might not be so bad.
    related article:
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22715758/
    10 minutes of housework as opposed to 10 minutes of oral foreplay… I dunno, but that seems like a pretty easy choice to me.

  49. Anonymous said, on June 18, 2008 at 2:17 am

    I mistakenly went to gaijinsmash.com before getting into gaijinsmash.net. World of difference, that one.

  50. Anonymous said, on June 18, 2008 at 2:17 am

    I mistakenly went to gaijinsmash.com before getting into gaijinsmash.net. World of difference, that one.

  51. HWG said, on June 18, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    thank you for the amusing entries as always =]
    Just thought i’d let you know that the link to this entry and a few others doesn’t work when trying to access from the archive page.
    take care ^^
    -X-

  52. Anonymous said, on June 19, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Update, man, update! I know you’re busy, and I know you don’t know me, but I miss you.

  53. Anonymous said, on June 19, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Update, man, update! I know you’re busy, and I know you don’t know me, but I miss you.

  54. Bob said, on June 23, 2008 at 10:44 am

    “When I lived in America, the penis was a lot like The Illuminati: something that possesses great power, but only works in the shadows. The penis was never seen or talked about – when there was a use for it, it appeared, did its job, and disappeared back into the mysterious shadows”
    Did you just describe Batman?

  55. Catherine Lee said, on June 25, 2008 at 6:10 am

    Seeing someone and then hearing a completely different accent from what you expect is always, ALWAYS interesting!
    I met a few Chinese girls in Manchester, England, a few years back, who spoke Cantonese (their parents were from Hong Kong) fluently with each other, but would also then switch to English with the best Mancunian accent ever (like the band Oasis’ accent), and keep interchanging languages in their conversation. I understand both Cantonese and English, but each accent was so strong that even I had a hard time telling when exactly they switched languages šŸ™‚

  56. Christina said, on June 27, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    My insides were bleeding from suppressing the laughter from reading this. The penis in the shadows bit almost made me cry from the giggles.

  57. Anonymous said, on July 13, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    oh, man. koreans really aren’t that bad! *i* was floored by that question. and i don’t think that guy-bonding ritual is as common as he made it sound… but then i wouldn’t know, being american-born and female.
    haha, this gives me second thoughts on teaching english in asia…

  58. Anonymous said, on July 13, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    oh, man. koreans really aren’t that bad! *i* was floored by that question. and i don’t think that guy-bonding ritual is as common as he made it sound… but then i wouldn’t know, being american-born and female.
    haha, this gives me second thoughts on teaching english in asia…

  59. meridian said, on July 14, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    This made me really laugh out loud. It reminds me of the story with my husband, who is trying to learn English. We passed a peanut factory and my husband tried to read the sign. He said, “Penis” which made me glad I was in the passenger seat because I was laughing too hard. I explained to him in Spanish about how you can’t mistake peanuts and penis. He looked at me as if I didn’t speak English and said, “No, that’s DICK!” I nearly died laughing because he is the least vulgar person I have ever met in my life. He went on, “I learned it at work: Suck my dick!”

  60. newmi said, on August 23, 2008 at 9:12 am

    I love how, even 30 years after it aired, that monty python sketch is still quoted. It truly has become part of the daily lexicon of smart people with a good sense of humour. Oh, loved the post too ^^

  61. Baka To The Future said, on October 22, 2008 at 11:54 am

    So, putting together Az’s Illuminati post, khastalphos’s incident in which he was asked if he named his junk, and Bob’s comment, we may reach the following conclusion:
    The perfect name for a penis is “Batman.”
    I’m sure there are more puns to make here, but being as I’m at work, I’ll leave them for someone else…

  62. Ian said, on June 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    å±±ćŠć‚“ćŖå£ćŠć‚“ćŖ – have you seen it, Az? Really funny drama with Ito Misaki, Fukakyon, and Koike Eiko…


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