Remember in the last update when I said that my wife wanting a baby was serious business? Well, actually, it’s far worse than I thought.
Faithful readers may remember that my wife got a little antsy about marriage when her two best friends, K-san and S-san, both got married at more or less exactly the same time. So now, you’re probably figuring that either K-san or S-san got knocked up, which is making my wife antsy about the parenthood thing. You would be close, but continuing with the “God Is Conspiring Against Me” theory – actually its something completely different.
Despite the usual Japanese tendency to get a newlywed wife knocked up as soon as possible, both K-san and S-san don’t have any buns in the oven yet. Apparently, with S-san’s husband working the typical life of a Japanese salaryman, he comes home tired on the weekdays and unable to do anything*, therefore the two only have sex on the weekends. So, no baby yet.
*While I suppose this is a decent sex life, it goes against my fundamental theory of “If I Can, I Will.” The theory goes a little something like this – if I can, I will. It really doesn’t matter what state I’m in – dead tired, sleepy, drunk, sick, injured, melancholy, emo, retrospective, whatever. I can be on the brink of death – as long as I can rise to the occasion, I’ll do it. I didn’t even let my broken collarbone break my stride. I think this is the result of me being sexually frustrated all throughout high school, and college for the most part. I’m like a starving Ethiopian child – can’t turn your nose up at whatever scraps might come your way, because you never know when the next meal is gonna be.
K-san is a bit different – she and her hubby only average sex once every two months! Much like S-san’s husband, K-san’s husband is often too tired from work to even want to attempt sex, and the few times he might be up for it then K-san is tired from work. K-san speculates that her husband is getting his fix at sex shops and brothels, or even perhaps some cute coworker who had too much too drink at the last company party. “As long as he doesn’t get sloppy and I find out about it” she cooly says. Is K-san yet another Japanese woman who turned cold after getting the ring on her finger? Not necessarily.
Talking to her, I could see there was still a perverted fire in her eyes (we know our own kind). The three of us (me, wife, K-san) had gone out for dinner and drinks one day. Eventually the conversation turns to sex, and K-san confesses her once-every-two-months rate. It was funny, because I could clearly see both girls holding back their true pervert potential.
K-san: Yeah, we’re both tired, so it really only works out to maybe once every two months or so…but I’m completely fine with that. (<– This is a complete lie, methinks)
Wife: Well, we're still around maybe 3 times a week or so (this is a definite lie, I'm rushing her shit down on a daily basis if possible), but I think we're going to calm down really soon….
Me: *Metal Gear Solid ! appears over my head*
Wife: I think that's for the best.
K-san: *looking at me* I don't think your husband is on the same page with you here.
Me: *shaking my head desperately* Yeah, what's up with this "calm down" talk?
K-san: *looks at me again, but this time taking in my entire body size, and then to my wife* Well, good luck…
A few minutes later, K-san goes to the bathroom.
Me: Um, did you really mean that about "calm down"?
Wife: Of course not! But, I can't look too perverted in front of my friends…
Me: If you can't be pervy with your friends, who can you be pervy with? Besides, I think K-san is just as perverted, if not more so, than you.
Wife: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, we've been talking about sex for awhile, right?
Me: Yeah. Both you and I have tried to change the topic several times, but have you noticed that its always K-san who brings us back to the sexual discussion?
Wife: Yes, I have noticed that!
Me: I mean me – a guy – I’ve been trying to not talk about sex and she’s the one who keeps bringing it up!
Wife: Well, maybe she’s just frustrated because she’s not getting any.
Me: Yeah, maybe. You know, if you wanted to help out your friend, I’m sure I could lend a hand and do what I could…..OW! Man, I didn’t know you could punch so hard…
Anyway…..what was I talking about? Oh yeah, wife’s baby craze. So yeah, neither S-san or K-san are close to making babies, despite it being them who sort of triggered the wife’s “gotta get married!” instinct. If not them…then who? Here comes a new challenger.
Let me tell you about R-san.
R-san is the wife’s third best friend. Where K-san and S-san were getting married and settling down, R-san was still living the single life. She lived at home, worked at a hair salon, and had a boyfriend who worked at a bar here in Kyoto. The last time we saw R-san was at a New Year’s party. She and her boyfriend were drinking it up and having a good time. The boyfriend saw fit to drop his pants several times throughout the night, giving us all candid views of things we didn’t want to see.
Wife: R-san, I’m so sorry I saw that.
R-san: What, that? Oh, that’s nothing at all!
Wife: But that…tool…belongs to you, and I didn’t want to see it.
R-san: Oh, I don’t care! Besides…the tool you get to use is probably a whole lot stronger, isn’t it?
Wife: *silly female giggle*
Me: Ya’ll aren’t talking about hammers and power drills, are you?
The wife runs into R-san during her lunch break earlier this week.
Wife: R-san! It’s been a while! Why are you in this area?
R-san: Oh, I live here now. Together with my boyfriend.
R-san: We’re going to get married pretty soon.
R-san: I’m 5 months pregnant with his child!
Later, she told me about the encounter.
Me: Wow, that’s quite a radical turn of events in the past 5 months.
Wife: Yeah, really! But you know, she looked really happy.
Wife: Yeah…living with her man, marriage soon, baby on the horizon…it was like the ultimate female happiness.
Me: …I see.
Wife: *looks at me with anime-like sparkles in her eyes*
Wife: C’mon, how about July? That’s 2 months before the wedding, I won’t be big yet so it’ll be fine!
Me: I do not want you knocked up at the altar!
Wife: …July. Definitely July.
Me: Have I told you about my plans to go celibate?
Wife: Ok, I KNOW that’s a lie.
Me: …I can’t even pretend its not.
So…yeah, the baby heat’s been turned up a few notches. I’m not really worried about her getting pregnant before I’m good and ready – she doesn’t want to use any underhanded tactics to impregnate herself, and I know I can control things on my end. I’m more worried about the subsequent hurricane that’s going to come when I don’t intentionally impregnate her. I do want kids, absolutely, but I’d like to at least wait until after the wedding. And save some money up, we can’t even afford the wedding as is. My wife is pretty frugal ordinarily, but in this instance she’s got the baby blinders on hardcore.
Me: Hey sweet, Grand Theft Auto IV is out.
Her: Another video game? Don’t you already have plenty?
Me: I don’t have this one.
Her: Yeah, but that’s $60 for – what – just going around, killing people and committing crimes? Do you really need to spend that money now?
Me: Well, I suppose I could wait for a little while…
Her: Good. Now, about that baby…
Me: …And speaking of money, you know children are expensive, right? Like, a bajillion times more expensive than a video game.
Her: You can’t really compare the two. A game is just something stupid you do to kill time. A baby is the product of our love. You can’t put a price tag on that.
Me: No, but you sure can put a price tag on the product of our love’s college tuition.
Amazing how life changes, isn’t it? In 5 short months, K-san goes from being a young and carefree girl to an expectant mother and soon-to-be wife. In just 5 short years, I’ve changed the nature of my game from keep the tiny little hands off my penis and outta by asshole, to keep my sperm outta my wife’s eggs. You just never know what curve-ball life is gonna throw at you next.