Gaijin Smash

Baby Blues

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on May 1, 2008

Remember in the last update when I said that my wife wanting a baby was serious business? Well, actually, it’s far worse than I thought.
Faithful readers may remember that my wife got a little antsy about marriage when her two best friends, K-san and S-san, both got married at more or less exactly the same time. So now, you’re probably figuring that either K-san or S-san got knocked up, which is making my wife antsy about the parenthood thing. You would be close, but continuing with the “God Is Conspiring Against Me” theory – actually its something completely different.
Despite the usual Japanese tendency to get a newlywed wife knocked up as soon as possible, both K-san and S-san don’t have any buns in the oven yet. Apparently, with S-san’s husband working the typical life of a Japanese salaryman, he comes home tired on the weekdays and unable to do anything*, therefore the two only have sex on the weekends. So, no baby yet.
*While I suppose this is a decent sex life, it goes against my fundamental theory of “If I Can, I Will.” The theory goes a little something like this – if I can, I will. It really doesn’t matter what state I’m in – dead tired, sleepy, drunk, sick, injured, melancholy, emo, retrospective, whatever. I can be on the brink of death – as long as I can rise to the occasion, I’ll do it. I didn’t even let my broken collarbone break my stride. I think this is the result of me being sexually frustrated all throughout high school, and college for the most part. I’m like a starving Ethiopian child – can’t turn your nose up at whatever scraps might come your way, because you never know when the next meal is gonna be.


K-san is a bit different – she and her hubby only average sex once every two months! Much like S-san’s husband, K-san’s husband is often too tired from work to even want to attempt sex, and the few times he might be up for it then K-san is tired from work. K-san speculates that her husband is getting his fix at sex shops and brothels, or even perhaps some cute coworker who had too much too drink at the last company party. “As long as he doesn’t get sloppy and I find out about it” she cooly says. Is K-san yet another Japanese woman who turned cold after getting the ring on her finger? Not necessarily.
Talking to her, I could see there was still a perverted fire in her eyes (we know our own kind). The three of us (me, wife, K-san) had gone out for dinner and drinks one day. Eventually the conversation turns to sex, and K-san confesses her once-every-two-months rate. It was funny, because I could clearly see both girls holding back their true pervert potential.
K-san: Yeah, we’re both tired, so it really only works out to maybe once every two months or so…but I’m completely fine with that. (<– This is a complete lie, methinks)
Wife: Well, we're still around maybe 3 times a week or so (this is a definite lie, I'm rushing her shit down on a daily basis if possible), but I think we're going to calm down really soon….
Me: *Metal Gear Solid ! appears over my head*
Wife: I think that's for the best.
K-san: *looking at me* I don't think your husband is on the same page with you here.
Me: *shaking my head desperately* Yeah, what's up with this "calm down" talk?
K-san: *looks at me again, but this time taking in my entire body size, and then to my wife* Well, good luck…
A few minutes later, K-san goes to the bathroom.
Me: Um, did you really mean that about "calm down"?
Wife: Of course not! But, I can't look too perverted in front of my friends…
Me: If you can't be pervy with your friends, who can you be pervy with? Besides, I think K-san is just as perverted, if not more so, than you.
Wife: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, we've been talking about sex for awhile, right?
Wife: Yeah…
Me: Yeah. Both you and I have tried to change the topic several times, but have you noticed that its always K-san who brings us back to the sexual discussion?
Wife: Yes, I have noticed that!
Me: I mean me – a guy – I’ve been trying to not talk about sex and she’s the one who keeps bringing it up!
Wife: Well, maybe she’s just frustrated because she’s not getting any.
Me: Yeah, maybe. You know, if you wanted to help out your friend, I’m sure I could lend a hand and do what I could…..OW! Man, I didn’t know you could punch so hard…
Anyway…..what was I talking about? Oh yeah, wife’s baby craze. So yeah, neither S-san or K-san are close to making babies, despite it being them who sort of triggered the wife’s “gotta get married!” instinct. If not them…then who? Here comes a new challenger.
Let me tell you about R-san.
R-san is the wife’s third best friend. Where K-san and S-san were getting married and settling down, R-san was still living the single life. She lived at home, worked at a hair salon, and had a boyfriend who worked at a bar here in Kyoto. The last time we saw R-san was at a New Year’s party. She and her boyfriend were drinking it up and having a good time. The boyfriend saw fit to drop his pants several times throughout the night, giving us all candid views of things we didn’t want to see.
Wife: R-san, I’m so sorry I saw that.
R-san: What, that? Oh, that’s nothing at all!
Wife: But that…tool…belongs to you, and I didn’t want to see it.
R-san: Oh, I don’t care! Besides…the tool you get to use is probably a whole lot stronger, isn’t it?
Wife: *silly female giggle*
Me: Ya’ll aren’t talking about hammers and power drills, are you?
The wife runs into R-san during her lunch break earlier this week.
Wife: R-san! It’s been a while! Why are you in this area?
R-san: Oh, I live here now. Together with my boyfriend.
Wife: ….Wha?
R-san: We’re going to get married pretty soon.
Wife: …Wha?!
R-san: I’m 5 months pregnant with his child!
Wife: …..WHAT?!
Later, she told me about the encounter.
Me: Wow, that’s quite a radical turn of events in the past 5 months.
Wife: Yeah, really! But you know, she looked really happy.
Me: Yeah?
Wife: Yeah…living with her man, marriage soon, baby on the horizon…it was like the ultimate female happiness.
Me: …I see.
Wife: *looks at me with anime-like sparkles in her eyes*
Me: …Fuck!
Wife: C’mon, how about July? That’s 2 months before the wedding, I won’t be big yet so it’ll be fine!
Me: I do not want you knocked up at the altar!
Wife: …July. Definitely July.
Me: Have I told you about my plans to go celibate?
Wife: Ok, I KNOW that’s a lie.
Me: …I can’t even pretend its not.
So…yeah, the baby heat’s been turned up a few notches. I’m not really worried about her getting pregnant before I’m good and ready – she doesn’t want to use any underhanded tactics to impregnate herself, and I know I can control things on my end. I’m more worried about the subsequent hurricane that’s going to come when I don’t intentionally impregnate her. I do want kids, absolutely, but I’d like to at least wait until after the wedding. And save some money up, we can’t even afford the wedding as is. My wife is pretty frugal ordinarily, but in this instance she’s got the baby blinders on hardcore.
Me: Hey sweet, Grand Theft Auto IV is out.
Her: Another video game? Don’t you already have plenty?
Me: I don’t have this one.
Her: Yeah, but that’s $60 for – what – just going around, killing people and committing crimes? Do you really need to spend that money now?
Me: Well, I suppose I could wait for a little while…
Her: Good. Now, about that baby…
Me: …And speaking of money, you know children are expensive, right? Like, a bajillion times more expensive than a video game.
Her: You can’t really compare the two. A game is just something stupid you do to kill time. A baby is the product of our love. You can’t put a price tag on that.
Me: No, but you sure can put a price tag on the product of our love’s college tuition.
Amazing how life changes, isn’t it? In 5 short months, K-san goes from being a young and carefree girl to an expectant mother and soon-to-be wife. In just 5 short years, I’ve changed the nature of my game from keep the tiny little hands off my penis and outta by asshole, to keep my sperm outta my wife’s eggs. You just never know what curve-ball life is gonna throw at you next.

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76 Responses

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  1. Dunn Deegan said, on May 1, 2008 at 1:12 am

    All of this talk about making babies and you don’t even throw in a comment with an iron man reference?
    Good luck Az.

  2. Ethan H. said, on May 1, 2008 at 1:30 am

    Or an Indiana Jones one for that matter. If you have a milkshake, and your baby has a milkshake, and there is one straw, then that baby will come ALL THE WAY over here and DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!
    When a friend of mine went to Japan, he told me how he horrified his classmates by entering the tank cheat in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and wreaking all kinds of havoc. Imagine the reaction they’d have to Nico Bellic…

  3. Max V said, on May 1, 2008 at 2:04 am

    Good lord, it’s so weird to have missed your blog for a few months and to come back and catch up to all this. But hey, babies aren’t so bad! I mean sure they cry a lot. And poop a lot. And wreck your stuff. But I’ve heard some kind of crazy stuff about the joy of being a parent. I think it might be lies, but who knows.

  4. kimmykat said, on May 1, 2008 at 2:09 am

    Maybe this is an inappropriate question, but what about the pill? Can you get it in Japan?

  5. code monkey said, on May 1, 2008 at 2:32 am

    I guess going domestic is presenting its own set of problems, eh?
    Have you realized, having been a school teacher and all, what kind of school life your would be kids will be facing?
    (and speaking of movies, aren’t movies there still months delayed?)

  6. Ihmhi said, on May 1, 2008 at 5:25 am

    “Her: …A baby is the product of our love. You can’t put a price tag on that.
    Me: No, but you sure can put a price tag on the product of our love’s college tuition.”
    Az, you should work for Hallmark. xD

  7. Mayhem said, on May 1, 2008 at 5:53 am

    Good luck Az… MGS ! indeed heh…
    “Big money, big prizes, I love it!” ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Joe D said, on May 1, 2008 at 6:51 am

    You think it’s bad NOW?
    Wait until after the wedding and your parents and inlaws start dropping hints like “so, when are we going to see some grandchildren?”

  9. nephalim said, on May 1, 2008 at 7:29 am

    OMG! no gtaIV!
    well I guess a japanese wife and no gtaIV its better than singing the “no pussy blues” that made grinderman famous
    Her: Yeah, but that’s $60 for – what – just going around, killing people and committing crimes?
    yes woman WITH ASTOUNDING GRAPHICS AND BIGGER WEAPONS THAN EVER!

  10. Invisible Sugarglider said, on May 1, 2008 at 8:01 am

    I think you meant ‘R-san’ in that last paragraph…

  11. Alice said, on May 1, 2008 at 9:00 am

    Doesn’t it freak you out that you’re having to adjust to your girlfriend’s, sorry, wife’s pace so much?
    And is it really because her friend is having a baby that she wants one too? Although I do get that you get affected by the lives of the people around you to a certain extent…

  12. Jamie said, on May 1, 2008 at 9:30 am

    Az,
    If you don’t mind I will share some secrets with every game loving man should know. It’s a simple bit of math which girlfriends and wives can understand.
    Price of GTA4 = $60.
    Price of a night out = Varies. From $20-$40 i guess.
    If you stay home playing GTA4 just two times instead of going out drinking it works out the same. Assuming you have online capabilities for your console and you play online, the longevity of the game is increased. So all the time you spend playing this game is time you are not spending on other stuff.
    A good game (especially with replayability) can easily save you money in the long run.
    I used to think games were a waste of money, but when I was spending at LEAST $20 everytime I left my house for drinks (going several times a week), spending money on games suddenly looked a lot cheaper!
    I hope your conversation can go along the lines of “honey.. i bought this game so we could save money FOR THE BABY”.
    Should be bulletproof.
    Good luck

  13. Tony said, on May 1, 2008 at 10:21 am

    Have you told your wife that it is looked down upon in American culture for a girl to be pregnant before the ceremony? I think if she understands that concept she might back down. And there is nothing wrong with playing the religion card.
    I also think it is a shame that her friends husbands are prudes like that. If they only knew how much their wives wanted sex. Heck just women in general. I think the real reason your wife does not want to tell her friends about how much sex she is having is because she is afraid they will get jealous and not want to hang around her anymore, which probably would happen. I feel sorry for her friends.

  14. Just A Guy said, on May 1, 2008 at 10:27 am

    Never underestimate the strength of a tiny Asian female. I’m 6′ tall and built like a linebacker. I was punched in the jaw accidentally (yeah, I know – it really was an accident. We were dancing, she spun in a circle, and forgot to drop her arm…) by an Asian friend of mine, who is 5′ and all of 100 pounds soaking wet.
    She knocked me on my ass. ๐Ÿ˜›

  15. Steve said, on May 1, 2008 at 10:28 am

    Az, nice Metal Gear Solid reference. It sounds like you are in a baby pickle here but don’t sacrifice GTA IV!

  16. Thauglorim said, on May 1, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Damn man, be a bit more careful with your titles.
    ‘Oh great there a new edito-WHAT? Damn she works fast!’ were the first things that came to mind the instant I looked at the page.
    Congratulations on the “legal” marriage, now she has you…eh, you have each other on paper.

  17. Andres0082 said, on May 1, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Wow man, she is in full baby mode, and the friend thing is not helping at all, i have a GF and since its going really steady i dropped a hint or two about marriage, but since she wants to get her phd, i am saved ๐Ÿ˜€
    and in movie related news, how are the japanese taking the Speed Racer movie? since the series originated from Japan
    Saw Iron Man yesterday, way cool!

  18. Chris H said, on May 1, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    The anime Kacho-Oji (Black Heaven) suddenly seems so appropriate…

  19. Justanothermom said, on May 1, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    Okay, time for the big guns. Az, please translate for your wife, if you don’t find this too “meddlesome.” Or, you can discuss these with your wife on your own, in your own way, after reading the following.
    Dear Mikki;
    I am a 46 year old woman. My own child will be 24 this month. I would love for him to be married and have a job that pays all his bills, and have a baby on the way, BUT…
    His job does not pay all his bills, and he can’t seem to find one that will. He does not have the mindset to work more than one job, which I find to be a good thing, because it gives him time to be with family and friends (very important in our culture). He isn’t dating right now, so there is no wife on the horizon (DRAT!). If he were, and were considering marriage & babies,there is some advice I would give him that I would like to present to you now:
    Marriage is a wonderful thing. It is truly a blessing to have someone there to share all your secrets with and be able to be intimate with in more ways than just the physical. If you work together and never turn your backs on each other, you will have a lifetime of joy and happiness. This does not mean bringing a baby into the world just because you want one. You need to think about more than your own desire to have a sweet cherub to cuddle and love and teach good stuff.
    Babies are beautiful, faultless, money eaters. I say that because they are very expensive, especially in infancy. It’s because they have so many more needs than older children and adults do. It’s not just about the food and clothing; there are diapers (at $20 per package twice per week), wipes (at $4 per 72 count package, you would need about 1 per week; at least 2 wipes for every wet diaper change, more for the other kind), ointments (about $3 per tube; how often you need one depends on how clean you keep the baby & how susceptible to rashes he/she is), lotions to protect the skin & keep it soft (another $3 per bottle/tube), baby shampoos & soaps ($5 each), in-home medical supplies such as thermometers ($25 for a decent digital one that’s not name-brand), health kit ($16 – includes nasal aspirator, nail clippers, medicine dosage measure, and thermometer – a cheap one), grooming kit ($20 for one that includes the health kit and a comb & hairbrush, infant gum massager & emery boards), plus all the specialty furniture and supplies that you only buy once (and don’t expect too many people to pick up the cost of those at a baby shower), which can end up costing anywhere from $900 – $1500 to be fully furnished, baby “gear” (at-home stationary toys, strollers & exercisers) that can end up costing between $1500 to $2000 to be fully equipped. On top of that are doctor visits, prescriptions, day care…and these are the costs for AFTER the baby arrives! There are prenatal costs that add up as well, especially if you don’t have decent medical coverage!
    There are also the physical costs that you have to take into account (lack of sleep from late night feedings, and nights that the baby is sick & inconsolable so you have to stay up and rock him/her). The sleep you lose, you never get back. And, the baby doesn’t understand when you’re too sick to want to be up, so sick or healthy, you have to get up and do all the loving and caring to help baby be comfortable and feel better. Think your husband is going to do it? HA! Men who work long hours have a very difficult time waking up to be nurturing fathers. This is why women are the nurturers, and men are the hunter/providers. Most men are geared for their particular role, and it’s rare when you find a man who is geared to be talented at both.
    Now that you have this information about the cost of raising a baby, look at your own finances, consider your health status and family history, and think very carefully about whether this is the right time to bring a baby into your home. You want to be sure that you can provide for all your baby’s needs, not just some of them, so keep that at the forefront of your mind before making your decision. As hard as it is for women like us to make a decision without allowing our emotions to decide for us, you need to force yourself to look at this from a practical standpoint. Talk with your husband about all this before you decide, and make the decision TOGETHER. After all, you are not going to be the only parent, and you are not going to be the only one affected by the introduction of a new member into the household.
    Sincerly,
    A Mom who cares! (Justanothermom)
    (Az’s Note: Thank you very much. I will translate this for her.)

  20. Stan said, on May 1, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Good stuff, Az.
    When the time comes – when you’re both ready – maybe you guys will have a little cutie like this little guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bL3I2esgjA

  21. AutumnFire said, on May 1, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    Well, hell Az. Obviously you haven’t figured out that you are the exception to the rule in regards to making your wife happy with sex. No, most women ARE dealing with men who just want to get their rocks off.
    And not just in Japan, either.

  22. Manuel said, on May 1, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    I havent commented in a while…
    Its crazy seeing how fast everything is going…
    I’m having a big change coming up too at the moment.
    I’m going to move out from home to go to college a whooping 10 000 km’s away.
    Well anyway,
    Good luck with everything, keep it up. ๐Ÿ™‚

  23. Anonymous said, on May 1, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    Hey Az! Will you put pictures of your baby when you’re gonna be a dad? It’s sure gonna be a pretty baby cause of the black and asian mixture.What about a family picture? Of your child, wife and yourself??

  24. Anonymous said, on May 1, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    Hey Az! Will you put pictures of your baby when you’re gonna be a dad? It’s sure gonna be a pretty baby cause of the black and asian mixture.What about a family picture? Of your child, wife and yourself??

  25. Wayland said, on May 1, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    So no threesome?

  26. Kylie said, on May 1, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    Congrats on the soon-to-be pile of both joy and economy despair. I’m currently engaged to a Japanese girl and you weren’t kidding when you said they move FAST. But I’ve explained that my baby-making days are far, far off.

  27. Captain_Arsehole said, on May 2, 2008 at 12:52 am

    I think you’d like to have a little son or daughter. I’m sure you’ll be wanting to pass the Gaijin Smash down the family line. It could even be a future kekkei genkai.
    Actually it is, if you think about it. Go figure.

  28. Lan said, on May 2, 2008 at 2:36 am

    Do most Japanese women take the “He can have an affair, as long as it doesn’t become public and embarrass me” standpoint? Is this commonplace? I have not been fully inducted into Japanese life to make this call myself. My Japanese isn’t good enough to approach this topic, and even if it were, I don’t have friends close enough with whom to broach the subject. It’s an interesting discussion though. There are so many bars around. I know many of the office men go to them after work. One of my supervisors once made the comment to me in English that my other supervisor knows about “love hotels” quite well. He’s married with two daughters. I was surprised he would be going to a love hotel. I was equally surprised “guy code” was broken; the one supervisor sort of outted the other’s off-hours recreational habits. I’ve always secretly wondered just what “actually” happens after work with the salary men. Do they all cheat? Do they all go to snack bars and have petite women sit on their laps and fill their glasses? I know many Western women don’t understand how Japanese wives don’t care, or are just too shy to argue, if their husbands go to bars and let girls sit on their laps and quite possibly engage in sexual activity, either at the bar or later in a love hotel, I don’t know which, but if anyone else knows about the “Secrets of the salary man’s after hour’s life,” please share. Maybe it’s a “boys club” and no one speaks about “after hours” behavior, well except for the previously mentioned supervisor that broke the boys silent code. I know when we have enkais and everyone gets tipsy and flirty the next day not a soul mentions any careless remarks that were made or flirty actions done under the influence of alcohol. Perhaps this is because of the bold line between work and pleasure. Like in the morning everyone says hi and they are all polite smiles. After the morning meeting and “ijo desu!” everyone suddenly snaps into work mode. Maybe the same is true after work. The second the salary men enter the bar, there’s an unwritten code that “whatever happens at the izakaiya, stays at the izakaiya.” Do any of you readers know if cheating is rampant among salary men, if there are scantily-clad women sitting on salary men’s laps and they later bang them at a love hotel, or perhaps you can give your two cents on the line between work and pleasure and the “boys club?” Great post, Az!

  29. Savio Mathews said, on May 2, 2008 at 2:43 am

    I understand how you feel, about saving up before you decide to make babies.
    Though, I must say, your wife’s desire to make babies as soon as possible is not on the same track as most women in the rest of Japan….I saw that report on BBC about the falling birth-rate of Japan. And, you definitely want babies, so I should say, you maybe lucky, here.
    I just hope you guys don’t end up having a bad argument about it.
    Good luck.

  30. Anonymous said, on May 2, 2008 at 5:16 am

    I enjoyed this more when you were writing about being a school teacher, but hey, its your blog you can do what you want, and well. Its still pretty awesome.

  31. Anonymous said, on May 2, 2008 at 5:16 am

    I enjoyed this more when you were writing about being a school teacher, but hey, its your blog you can do what you want, and well. Its still pretty awesome.

  32. Shin said, on May 2, 2008 at 9:31 am

    You meant R-San at the end.
    And LOL at Wayland’s comment.

  33. deathoxy said, on May 2, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    As far as I remember, there was a great novel by Akutagawa Ryลซnosuke, about the same thing – how scary and fierce women can be, when it comes to protecting their child.
    Good luck. You’ll need it.

  34. Chichi said, on May 2, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    I hope she remembers realizes, that sometimes not everyone can have babies, for biological reasons…
    I truly hope this doesn’t happen to you, but it could still happen. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ She really shouldn’t get too worked up over having a baby… sometimes it just can’t happen. Even when you invest thousands of dollars into fertility treatments… Best of luck!!

  35. Jimmey Bean said, on May 3, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    At least Black/Asian hybrids are hot! You won’t have to worry about your kid coming home crying abut being called funny looking. (Maybe a few kancho tears though?)

  36. Discosauce said, on May 3, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    I read in another blog recently of a gaijin woman’s take on sex in Japan. The main point of it seemed to be that it is vastly different.
    For example, the theory she formulated was that a lot of Japanese men find sex to be more of a chore than anything. This stems from the gender roles in bed, in which the men are supposed to do all of the work, while the women are largely passive.
    This posed problems for the woman, as when she tried to have American style sex in which both players are active, her japanese boyfriend did not know what to do, and felt that he had to take on the passive female role.
    Judging from some of the other societal rules in Japan, this doesn’t sound too far fetched. Perhaps you could conduct a survey on sex in Japan? ๐Ÿ˜€

  37. Patrick said, on May 3, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    You know, Wayland had an idea there.

  38. NT said, on May 3, 2008 at 9:00 pm

    Hang in there, bud. Do not allow her to take the upper hand especially when she uses the ultimate weapon: “don’t you love me” underhand tactic.
    I know the Concerned Mom’s letter is reason enough but as for me, I know the situation of having a baby because I have a 3-month-old nephew. I really don’t have any idea how much exactly is spent in caring for the baby but I know and believe that the task is pretty expensive. In my nephews case, there’s the expense for mineral/distilled water (and yet they still need to sterilize it), vaccines, nanny fee/services, etc. (worst case scenario is when your baby actually gets sick before he/she even walks). I also agree about the ‘physical costs’ since babies doesn’t regularly sleep at night but sleep when he/she wants to. There’s also the constant ‘sonic attacks’ when he/she gets irritated (worse, during summer when it gets too hot, he/she’ll use the sonic attack until he/she almost lose her/his voice). And, no matter how cute and adorable your product of love will be, it just can’t beat the sacrifices you’ll have to make for him/her, especially when the time comes where he/she joins the rotten society.
    I’d suggest you break up with her if she insist on having the baby to the extreme since that only proves how shallow her love is for you and your bundle-of-joy-to-be.

  39. Spruce said, on May 4, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    At least remember this Az, it beats being the lonely, bitter guy you used to be who wrote about the cruelty of women to nice guys like you. Did the young man of those days ever beleive he’d achieve the American nerd’s ultiamte dream of actually marrying a Japanese girl, and having her want to bear your children? I doubt he could have ever dreamed he’d be so lucky.
    Sure, this life is going to bring its own problems, but remember where you came from. And good luck with everything!

  40. Aaron said, on May 4, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    (Do not delete this.)
    Not a random advertisement, I’m just posting this to share a youtube video of some of my experiences in Japan with the People to People program. Not as funny as some of your stuff, but still very interesting, haha.

  41. Karen said, on May 4, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    Poor guy. Japanese girls can be scary concerning anything about love/sex/etc. Once went out with some of my co-workers and we got on the topic of boyfriends….. I don’t think I could ever erase that from my mind…. so, your wife’s current “baby-kick” must be 100 times worse.
    All I can really say is, “hang in there” along with a loud, “good luck” you know?

  42. Prodigal Priest said, on May 4, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    Apparently the Japanese have the same ‘Keeping Up With The Joneses’ mentality that you see in any materialistic society :\. This time with babies and marriage.
    All I can do from my end is wish you luck on it, Az. You’re gonna need it, to keep sane…..
    Who the fuck am I bullshitting?! It’s been getting chipped from you slowly since you first signed up as a JET years ago! XD
    *hums Undertaker’s Theme*
    Good luck anyway, and God Bless ^_-.

  43. Liv said, on May 5, 2008 at 3:26 am

    One of my best friends is half black and half Japanese and my love for her might ordinarily inspire me to beg you to just give in and make another blackanese child for me to (virtually) love … if my thoughts about rushing into parenthood weren’t the same as yours. This, despite being a woman in her prime baby making years. Hell, I ought to be gunning for your wife. And yet …
    If you find you can’t stop pleasuring her or that she won’t quit buggin’, please be advised that the pill is indeed available here. My (Western) friends report a very palpable change for the better in their breast size. Perhaps you can start slipping it into her morning ko-hi.
    Good luck, Az! And belated congrats on your marriage – I’ve been reading your blog for years, even before I came to Japan. Your kancho tales almost scared me off, quite frankly. I couldn’t believe such a thing could happen … now I know it does. And, evidently, to women, too. *cry*

  44. Stan said, on May 5, 2008 at 8:59 am

    Dear Liv (and Az),
    Is your half black/half japanese friend living in Japan? If so, how is she fairing? My girlfriend is from Sapporo and we’re talking about getting married. (We both live in the States now.) One concern of hers? That our children – if we have them – would catch hell in Japan for being half black (assuming we’d regularly visit each summer). I say if we love our child and teach him/her to be strong and love herself then he/she will be fine and that everyone no matter the ethnicity faces challenges in life. But the potential wifey is afraif for the yet-to-be-born child of our love and our loins. Any thoughts?
    Az, you too – any thoughts?
    P.S. I remind my girlfriend that the boy she bullied for time when she was in grade school in Japan was 100% Japanese and that didn’t prevent her from bullying him. (She regrets her former evil bullying ways and she assures me it was limited to that one time for the poor kid.)

  45. Maikeru said, on May 5, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    I hate to say this because I have been a fan of your blog for a very long time but….
    You are seriously whipped.
    Seriously.
    Stand up to your now wife and tell her that you’re not going to take any more of this manipulation bullshit. Any serious relationship is full of give and take. So far, from what you’ve written, there has been a lot of take from her and a lot of give from you and none going the other way around. Sure, she does give you love and sex, but it’s not fair to you to force you into these situations. The best thing I would recommend to say to her about the baby nonsense (because it is nonsense) is that you gave into her will about getting married and having the ceremony in July. Since you have given in and compromised on that, she should at least be willing to wait on having a child. If you’d like me to tell her, in Japanese, I am more than willing to. What she is forcing into really isn’t fair and I’m sorry that you have to put up with it.

  46. Anonymous said, on May 5, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    Yeah Maikeru, the best thing Az should do is let some stranger tell her to back off the baby business.

  47. Anonymous said, on May 5, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    Yeah Maikeru, the best thing Az should do is let some stranger tell her to back off the baby business.

  48. Liv said, on May 5, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    Hi, Stan! No, my friend does not live in Japan; she’s yonsei and grew up in California. How’s she doing? She’s just fine. I know there have been annoying moments in her life – i.e., being given a fork at a Japanese restaurant when her full-Japanese relatives were given chopsticks – as well as being continually asked by morons, “What are you?” and not being seen as either black enough or Japanese enough, but I think overall it ain’t no thing. She’s a happy, well-adjusted beautiful person and, like many biracial people, sees her dual heritage as a great thing. I’m biracial, too, and, sure, while things were sometimes a bit confusing growing up, I can say that I consider my heritage a truly great gift. I also have a half black/half Japanese child in one of my classes – I’ve never noticed anything weird between her and the other kids. And just look at Jero – the whole freaking country has got Jero Fever. Sure, it might be in that “oh, look at the funny foreigner!” way but he sure isn’t catching hell for being Japanese and black.
    Many of my friends are biracial (half Japanese, half Lebanese, half Korean, half black, half hispanic, etc) and none of us are crying into our horchata or shochu about why we’re just not Guatemalan or Korean enough. I mean … what an amazing thing to not only have such different cultural perspectives on life but to have the direct exposure to speaking more than one language and spending time in different countries because that’s where grandma lives! Yes, things in Japan are different than they are in America but by that token, I guess you’d have to worry about living here, too. Right?
    Growing up is crazy and confusing and regardless of our races, we all suffer over SOMETHING. Your potential child’s biracial nature will no doubt have a big impact on his or her life but it doesn’t have to be negative. A child shouldn’t be denied life just because he might look different than his peers; being biracial isn’t a deleterious genetic mutation that will prohibit a person from enjoying a full, healthy life for pete’s sake. How our parents teach us to survive is what makes the difference.

  49. T said, on May 6, 2008 at 1:02 am

    I kind of agree with the above person. I can’t claim to know you through your blog, but from what you write, it doesn’t sound like you were really 100% willing for all this moving fast marriage stuff. Which I think a person should be.
    “Ironically, I had decided a while ago that if we were still together and doing well this Christmas, I’d pop the question. There’ve been a number of issues and what not lately that have made me sort of question/doubt myself regarding that. But who knows? Maybe I’ll stick to my plan and propose in…geez…a little over a month.”
    “If” we’re still together? Why would you decide to propose based on an “if” you’ll even *be together*?
    What “number of issues”? I hope you got those resolved.
    “Geez, a little over a month.” Hmmm…
    And the way she made you guys legally married simply by playing the “don’t you love me?” card? Girls aren’t supposed to ever play that card.
    Like I said, maybe I’m just seeing things through the slow-moving westerners point of view. Maybe your words don’t let on your true thoughts and feelings. Maybe you’ve changed your tune and you really want all this so soon. But I worry a little bit. Marriages are one thing, but don’t bring a kid into the world unless you REALLY want to, and are REALLY ready. It’s the most major change you will ever make in your entire life, no matter how hot and marketable the kid’s looks turns out to be.

  50. LoR said, on May 6, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    So when do you plan on moving back to the US? I seem to recall you determined to keep your kids away from those schools.

  51. Anonymous said, on May 6, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Dude, don’t forget “Death of a Nice Guy”. You gotta stand your ground.

  52. Anonymous said, on May 6, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Dude, don’t forget “Death of a Nice Guy”. You gotta stand your ground.

  53. Webbster said, on May 7, 2008 at 1:19 am

    I swear, lately your blog is mirroring my life… but funnier.
    Why the hell is everything so expensive in this country?

  54. Coolio said, on May 7, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    Don’t worry, it’s not that expensive to have all that baby stuff in Japan. You can rent all that stuff, like: bath tube, thermometer, baby car, baby chair and so on, for little money. There are lot’s of catalogues on the market. The most expensive are definitely visits at the hospital, because the insurance don’t pay everything. Medicine for the baby is free, but vaccinations can be quite expensive. Anyway, you have no other choice, since your wife switched to “Baby mode”.
    Good luck…..

  55. Anonymous said, on May 8, 2008 at 3:41 am

    Go speed racer go!
    better start checking the condoms for pinpricks methinks.
    you seem happy though, as in, no recent disasters, so it’s all good then.

  56. Anonymous said, on May 8, 2008 at 3:41 am

    Go speed racer go!
    better start checking the condoms for pinpricks methinks.
    you seem happy though, as in, no recent disasters, so it’s all good then.

  57. Hyung Lee said, on May 9, 2008 at 7:16 am

    Hi
    I am a publisher of THE EAST; the only English newspaper, which is mainly focused on the East Asian information (at the beginning of every month, more than 12,000 free copies are distributed throughout the London area, particularly, where East Asian Networks are established).
    I looked at your blog the other day and have been wondering if there would be any chance that we could publish some of your interesting articles on the paper.
    We think some of your blog articles should be very helpful to the Westners who are interested in Asian Culture.
    The East cannot afford to pay for your articles right now (as we are non-profitable organisation). However, if you wish, we can still offer you:
    1. Advertising space
    2. Link to THE EAST web site blog section
    We look forward to hearing from you shortly.
    Many thanks and kind regards,
    Hyung Wook Lee
    Publisher
    MBA(Edin)
    THE EAST, The East Asian Monthly Business Newspaper,
    Elephant Consulting Limited, 37 Charter Court, Linden Grove,
    New Malden, Surrey, KT3 3BN, UK
    Tel : + 44 (0) 7912 608 321 / Web site: http://www.theeast.org / E mail : publisher@theeast.org
    Registered in England & Wales, Company No. 6254454

  58. CF said, on May 10, 2008 at 4:27 am

    OK, Stupid Question: Just what does the “!” mean
    when it’s over the head of a _Metal Gear Solid_
    character?
    (No, I don’t own a console — I can’t work the
    controllers. Too small for me, and my fingers
    don’t have the mobility anymore.)

  59. Anonymous said, on May 10, 2008 at 10:48 am

    ha, when you said the metal gear solid ! exclaimation mark, im so with you there. jesus Az, you can always come up with things nerdy people can relate to, you are the BEST.

  60. Anonymous said, on May 10, 2008 at 10:48 am

    ha, when you said the metal gear solid ! exclaimation mark, im so with you there. jesus Az, you can always come up with things nerdy people can relate to, you are the BEST.

  61. Ashley Beyer said, on May 10, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    Good luck with everything!
    A friend showed me your blog a while back when I told him i’d be moving to Japan for a year and then later to teach English. You have an amazing writing style. I love reading your stories. You are hilarious. Babies still scare me though. Be careful with those baby blinders! They do strange things to little ladies. O_o
    Thanks again for sharing your life and stories with the online world,
    Ashley

  62. Moe said, on May 11, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    : OK, Stupid Question: Just what does the “!” mean
    when it’s over the head of a _Metal Gear Solid_
    character?
    That tells you you’ve been spotted, i.e. you’re in danger. Very useful RL skill, because it’s exactly what I imagine when I suddenly realize something important like that.
    It’s usually not someone planning to shoot you or anything like that in RL, but there are times when it might as well be…
    Usually all I realize is “shut up! now!!!” or that I’m approaching a known speed trap and going too fast, but that can often be very, very important and I do tend to imagine the ! over my head, just like Az…

  63. CF said, on May 12, 2008 at 4:02 am

    Moe: Thanks. I usually imagine Az having this
    symbol appear over his ass or dick, rather than
    his head, tho’. ๐Ÿ™‚ (And funny how much ! looks
    like a Pointing Finger…. >:) )

  64. Archer Falcon said, on May 12, 2008 at 8:54 am

    Yikes! Good luck with your adventures!
    That darn biological clock on females is a real pain in the rear and a source of grief for me because my relatives are harassing me non-stop about why I’m not providing my parents with grandkids. Some things I need to do first like finish up the PhD and get some security in academia (read: tenured professor or at the very minimum, tenure-track position) and have a few really good seasons of hunting, fishing, and field work before I even think of reproducing. I see too many of my colleagues (male and female) having to truncate their projects or getting royally screwed over by having a baby to even consider my relatives’ constant bothering me. Thankfully though they all live at least 3000 miles away. What sucks is that most of them would’ve been much more proud of me if I had dropped out of high school or even undergrad to get married and have babies than what I’m doing and actually making something of myself (ie, researcher/professor or at least one seriously deadly archer). Luckily though I have a boyfriend who supports my academic and outdoor endeavors (well, maybe except for my daydreams of shooting in national tournaments with a compound bow and engineering even better bows, both traditional and compound, for shorter archers).
    Anyway I love your stories and hope to hear more about your (mis)adventures!

  65. rombout said, on May 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    i’ve been reading your blog since 2004 but this is the first time i’m posting a comment. Similar experiences or something on this one :). Anyway, i’ve had the pleasure to spend 2 years in Taiwan, where i also met my now wife. When we started dating she made it clear that she is looking for a serious relationship, someone to marry her. Probably partly due to her age as we were both some years older than you are now. Things started out normally enough, but after just some months she tells me she’s pregnant, which kinda got me by surprise as i was under the impression that she was on the bill… apparently she had told me that she will stop taking them as they made her feel uncomfortable. I, however, have no recollection of such a conversation, which is strange as i think it would be something i would remember :). Anyway, as i like to think of myself as being a nice guy, i did the only thing i thought is right, i proposed. She agreed, no surprises there.
    So i think you’re lucky with your wife in that she gives you a clear heads up before the bomb hits :).
    Keep up the good work!

  66. Jen Aside said, on May 13, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Az-sama, I’m still having problems viewing some of your posts–the latest, for instance. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  67. Anonymous said, on May 14, 2008 at 6:21 am

    I have Grand Theft Auto 4. I actually bought an XBox 360 just for the game (I stick to the PC and fighting games). The game is incredible.
    Also, don’t know if you’re a Soul series fan, but SoulCalibur4 comes out this Summer.

  68. Anonymous said, on May 14, 2008 at 6:21 am

    I have Grand Theft Auto 4. I actually bought an XBox 360 just for the game (I stick to the PC and fighting games). The game is incredible.
    Also, don’t know if you’re a Soul series fan, but SoulCalibur4 comes out this Summer.

  69. Xak said, on May 14, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    On your soon-to-be wife’s side… I understand the baby fever. We’re not rich people–lower middle class and you should know in the US the middle class is the one getting raped financially. Is that stopping us? Nope. Why? Things change. You never know if your job will be there at the end of the year. You never know that you won’t still be having the same crap job next year. People who are filthy rich can lose it all in a day and people who are poor can suddenly get that promotion that moves them up to take the rich person’s spot. I see it happening all the time. So I decided that having a family has nothing to do with money (and DH agreed with my reasoning).
    HOWEVER–money aside. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Sure, she’s going to be doing most of the work–has she been around a lot of kids? I adore being a mother. It’s better than I ever thought it would be and I have a ‘terrible two’ age toddler and am STILL saying that. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
    But if my husband hadn’t been ready, I don’t believe that would be so. Part of the joy is the joy he has in his child. The fact that he wanted the baby, too, and was ready to go for being a dad. I had to wait 2 years for him to be ready–when I’d been ready for years before I met him *laugh*. It was hard, but it was worth the wait. My child was worth every wait and every forethought put into her and I wouldn’t want her to have come any sooner than she did (even though we were trying for 18 months before I became pregnant–ironically, the month we were giving up and only had sex once the whole freaking month–and just for that last shot).
    You can share that with your wife, too–money isn’t the only reason to wait. Preparedness is a good reason, too. Getting everything ready for the baby to come. Preparing yourself (both parents’ selves) mentally, emotionally and in any other way you feel you need to. And “Dad” being prepared is just as important as mom.
    Being a nanny for a few years helped me, too–I knew what I was getting into. There’s nothing like being responsible for a kid 11 hours a day as far as a warm-up. 24 hours a day is less of a shock that way, lol, though I doubt that’s an option for you guys.

  70. Pyro01 said, on May 16, 2008 at 9:27 am

    Hey Az, been loving your posts, this is the first time I’ve commented on any of them. Good luck and all, I’m studying abroad in Nagasaki right now, and I won’t be seeing my fiance till August. However, we’re all about waiting on the baby thing till I’m at least established in a job outta college. Anyways, I’m going to be in Kyoto next month around June 7th. I’ll be scouring the kimono shops for an XXL men’s kimono, I’m determined to buy one before I leave Japan. If you happen to be walking around the kimono shops on that day with the wife, just look for a tall white gaijin with long bleached hair, it’ll probly be me. I’ll be on the look-out for a big black guy. Speaking of which, I’ve only run into one other black guy in Japan(he goes to my university), and I’ve also run into a mother and her children who sadly speak Japanese better than me(“Gaijin” 5 year olds) and are also black, I was like, “how long are you visiting?” She said she’s lived her for 8 years.

  71. oldude said, on June 1, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    “don’t you have a say what happens in your life?” you should hit her with that one every time she asks whether or not you love her. there is so much you could be doing, and you’re faithful; that has to count for something.
    her friends shouldn’t dictate the pace of your relationship. they’re not in it, and what’s more you two don’t seem to dictate the pace of theirs. they’re having kids, getting married and making decisions all on their own, you two should be afforded the same liberty. her friend said that her and her husband smash only once a week, where you and your girl smash ‘more often’. her friends didn’t start smashing everyday because of you two.
    be your own people. you’re already getting married, don’t be pressured into more just because she chooses to de-magnify the big step you just took to get EVERYTHING SHE WANTS FROM YOU. i’m certain she’s a nice lady, she just needs to be fair. if everybody envolved isn’t ready, then she needs to wait. it’s nothing to get huffy or persumptous of your lack of love over; if you didn’t love her, you wouldn’t have married her. right?
    everytime she corners you with “so you don’t love me?” logic, remind her if you didn’t you wouldn’t have married her, and that it was you who proposed marrage in the first place.

  72. resident73 said, on June 7, 2008 at 1:45 am

    I can relate with ya, being married to a japanese girl lol. GTA IV rocks too, by the way, fantastic graphics!

  73. Krystle said, on June 25, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    My god. I can’t believe you’re married.
    I don’t read this for a few months and THIS is what I come back to.
    Alright, I mostly skimmed this entry because my eyes hurt (probably from staring at the screen all day. woo. go me.), but this whole entertainment industry thing…are you think of Johnny’s? ’cause if you have a boy, that could work. Teach him how to sing and dance and he’ll already have his foot in the door. Will he ever debut and make the big bucks? That remains to be seen. The one half Japanese/African kid in the bunch at Johnny’s still hasn’t debuted. (Yes, I’m seriously thinking about this, I bet you could get him in). Hopefully you have some idea what I’m talking about. I mean..they’re everywhere in Japan. How could you not know about them.
    Anyway, good luck and all that. I’ll probably be back in a few months looking for wedding photos.

  74. Cameron said, on August 24, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    Did you know that “I’m envious” is a euphemism for “My hose are soaked down to the ankles with pussy juice.” Dude, if your woman has asked you to go shopping, an activity she’s done on her own and can continue to do on her own, it’s because she’s not shopping anymore; that’s your job. No video games for you, suck it up and get to work. If she even has the opportunity to ask your opinion, you aren’t working fast enough. Get it slap it on check it out if you like then shove it in a bag otherwise throw it back on the rack done done done.

  75. Ed said, on August 25, 2008 at 6:48 am

    Az-sama
    Been reading your blog for a few years now, but this is one of my few comments.
    This baby-blinder thing is not Japanese-specific, I went through it awhile back. My mom was Japanese, my dad Native American – so I can give a rather unusual perspective on the matter.
    I think you’ve got the sorta-correct idea here. You guys need some time to be together and understand each other before you start making babies. I understand her viewpoint, but I gotta tell you – the marrages I’ve seen over the years, the folks who wait a year or three before they get kids seem to last better.
    Marriage is a change. Bebies are a change. Too many changes at once is REALLyY stressing.
    But don’t wait too long – the plan seems to backfire if you wait too long – folks who wait more than four years to start having kids seem to also fracture at a high rate.
    My totally unscientific observation is that the optimum time for a first babies is between two and five years after marriage. YMMV, but that’s my thought.
    Stay well
    Ed

  76. Harry said, on August 26, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    Az, you’re freakin’ awesome.
    That is all.


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