Gaijin Smash

System Update

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 24, 2008

Yes, despite reports to the contrary, I was not dead these past two months. No, rather, the next best thing – I’ve been working like a Japanese salaryman. Not that I’m putting in long hours anymore, but I no longer have the time to write articles in secret at my desk. I don’t always have the luxury to do them at home either. I’d been thinking “Man, I really want to update the site!”, but a whole week would go by without me being able to do anything, and the next thing I knew it was a whole two months. Man, time flies.
So, as it seems people are curious, just a few updates as to what’s been going on lately. And no, the title of this piece has nothing to do with anything computer related.
***
Yes, I am actually married now.
“But wait,” many of your are saying, “didn’t you say September?” Yes, yes I did. Funny, that. You see, more or less the instant I proposed to my girlfriend…well, wife now, in her mind we were already married. The rest is just formalities. In my head I’d had a one or two year engagement in mind. She wanted to go ahead and get married in May. I managed to talk her into September. But sometime around January, she said we should go ahead and submit the official paperwork for the actual marriage. …There really wasn’t anything I could say otherwise.
Her: Let’s go ahead and put the paperwork in now.
Me: Why rush? We’ve still got time.
Her: So…you don’t want to marry me?
Me: No, I didn’t say that. I mean, the actual ceremony won’t be until September, so the paperwork can wait, can’t it?
Her: So…you don’t want to marry me?
Me: No, I mean, its okay to take our time with the paperwork, isn’t it?
Her: So…you don’t want to marry me?
Me: ….What I meant to say was, we should go ahead and submit the paperwork now.
Her: ^_^
So yes, legally we are all married and stuff. The wedding ceremony though is still set for September. Wedding plans…so far with the event still quite a few months away, there isn’t much do to. Right now the big thing is saving money. I’m having to put back pretty much the majority of my paycheck that isn’t devoted to bills, and even then I’m not sure I’ll be able to save enough. So yes, I am still looking for ways to whore myself out for a few extra yen. And failing that, if nothing else presents itself, I suppose I could teach English. But that’s only if the whoring plans never pan out. I have been looking for part-time work, but both the wife and my mother are opposed to the idea for the potential strain it might put on the relationship…so I’m not sure what to do in that regard yet.


Planning-wise though, we did go to get fitting for a dress and tuxedo. The wife wanted me to help her pick the dress, and I told her I simply didn’t want to see her in it, or the dress itself, until the actual ceremony. I’m guessing the whole “don’t see the bride before the wedding” thing doesn’t really exist in Japan, as I had to explain this to the fitters as well.
They tried to provide a tux for me, but the only ones they had that would “fit” me were ridiculously huge – I looked like a 7 year old kid trying to wear his dad’s clothes. Even then, the sleeves and pant legs were a bit short. The fitter meekishly explains – “Well, I just took one look at him (me) and thought I’m gonna need to bring out the biggest size we’ve got…” So, if I were a foot shorter and 400 pounds, I could still get married in Japan, but apparently no one figured that tall and reasonably not fat guys would be getting hitched. …What the hell? Again, I am convinced that Godzilla was conceived when a foreigner came to this country for the first time. So I may have to import a tux from America. Not really sure how that’s going to work at this point…but we’ll see I guess.
***
I mentioned in an editorial a while ago the status of some people from stories past. Many people were disappointed that I hadn’t included anything about Moeko. Well then, I shall do so now – she’s doing fine, going into her third year of high school (man, how time flies…). Still studying hard, and worrying about the college entrance exams she’s going to have to take this year.
***
My Train Crew has changed a bit.
First, Misty is gone. I don’t know what happened to her – perhaps she got a new job, and doesn’t ride this train anymore. Or maybe she rides at an earlier/later time. Maybe she’s not working at all. Maybe she moved all-together. I have no idea. All I can really do is wish her well wherever she is, and continue to dream of the hot sweaty gorilla-in-the-mist sex we might have had one day.
Tats is still around. Since its been winter she’s been wearing coats, and I haven’t seen her chest tattoo at all. The weather is changing though, so hopefully she’ll go back to the tank tops and I can continue trying to figure out what’s inked on her chest. …She still stares at me quite a bit though.
There was a stretch where I didn’t see Massive Melon Tits at all. Then one day after a long absence, she got on the train, but had a pretty deep tan. I didn’t see her again for another while, but then today actually, she got on the train…wearing a business suit. So from what I can figure, MMT was a college student (which accounts for the irregular schedule at which she rode the train). After graduating, or maybe a bit before, she decided to take a trip somewhere…maybe/probably Australia given the fact that she tanned over the winter. She came back, took another break, and then today started her new company job. …Does this count as some form of weird train stalking? What, I’m just curious. For any of your Australian readers, I suppose there’s a chance you ran into MMT somewhere along the way, and any male Aussies here may actually have, I dunno, porked her. If you did, I hate you. Mail me with details.
At any rate, Magical Motor Mouth is also gone, which fills my soul with joy. And Massive Melon Tits 2 does still occasionally wear the Piccolo shoes.
Okay, new players. There’s a guy who I’d noticed catching the train at the same spot I did everyday. He wasn’t special at first, until I noticed a few months into winter that he was wearing one of those white surgical masks…everyday.* I know he was sick at one point (I thought he was going to hack his lungs out right there on the train), but everyday? Either this was one hell of a flu, or he was just really paranoid about germs. I have named him Sub-Zero, because of the mask. Yes, given all the people in history/entertainment who have adorned masks…I don’t know why I choose Sub-Zero. My own nicknames don’t make sense to even me sometimes.
*Yes, Japanese people do wear white face masks when they are sick/want to avoid getting sick. I’m tempted to link this and the way guys here prefer women really young into a Michael Jackson joke, but I’m 99% certain I’ve done that one before.
I’m trying to start a 7 Dwarves-esque collection. So far I have three – Skinny, Shorty, and Brandy. Skinny is just a girl who is, as her name suggests, really really thin. Not that this is rare in Japan…but Skinny has a big nose, so the combination amuses me. …Hey, it’s 7 in the freakin morning, I have to take my amusement wherever I can get it. Shorty is short, maybe around half my height. Her special feature is a rather prolific forehead. She actually reminds me a lot of Ms. Forehead, the two look a lot alike. Brandy is a woman who is always dressed business-smart. I can’t help but to notice her name-brand bags – Hermes, Prada, Louis Vitton. Thus the name Brandy. Brandy’s also quite attractive, but any would-be perverted thoughts are dashed away as I look at her bags and realize that a romp with her would probably cost me a small mint.
And finally, a woman who I can only describe as the messiest human being on the planet. I’d swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was homeless. She has a random collection of knit caps, in the winter she would bundle up with a scarf, gloves, and a coat – and none of these things ever matched each other. Her hair is always a mess. Her shoes also manage to not match anything she’s wearing, even in the least. It’s not uncommon for one pant leg to be rolled up a little higher than the other. Sometimes she wears headphones, which are like twice the size of her actual head. She looks like a Salvation Army vomited all over her. Thus, I have named her Wreck-Gar, after the Junkion race in Transformers, because I swear to God, that’s what she looks like. Its a little depressing to have gone from Misty to Wreck-Gar, but such is life I guess. …And to fend off any potential questions, no, I wouldn’t have messy uncoordinated sex with her.
***
I found out my high school 10 year reunion is coming up in June…wow, it’s been 10 years? To me, reunions are really only something you go to to brag to all the people you hated about how successful you are. Well, I’m not that successful, and I didn’t particularly hate anyone (extreme apathy is a better word here), so I guess its not important, but I am curious to see what everyone is up to. Unfortunately, unless I swim back to California, no real funds for that.
Thanks to the magic (or curse) of networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, I do already have an idea what most of them are up to. It was funny, I was telling the wife that most Americans don’t rush to have kids so soon, that we like to wait until the latter half of the 20’s/early 30’s or so. I think the very next day, I was showing her some of my old HS classmates on Facebook and MySpace, and I was surprised to find the majority of them already married, and with one or more kids. WTF? Why are people my age already married with kids? How’d that happen? The wife gives me a an extra-bloated “Ha! Told you so!” …Bastards.
This didn’t really help me, as the wife, now with the legal marriage under her belt, is in full BABY MODE. Like, if I told her I wanted to get to work on siblings right now, she’d happily say yes, dive on the bed, and tell me to get to work. I must admit, I do find the urges of fatherhood tempting (the sooner the child is born, the sooner I can send him/her off to the entertainment world and start collecting my commission fee…), however, I still feel its a bit early. I’ve talked her into waiting until the actual wedding ceremony at least. Her response to this was “Well then, shall we get to work on baby making on our wedding night?”
…Remember, gentlemen, when I told you that Asian women moved at breakneck, ludicrous speeds when it comes to marriage and babies? Did you think I was joking?
I don’t feel ready for fatherhood yet (does anyone really ever feel ready?), but I’m not sure how long I can hold her off. I don’t have to worry about her punching holes in condoms or putting me in a Ric Flair leg lock just as I hit the peak of our throws of passion – she says that would be a terrible way to bring a child into the world. But as you can see, she can be very persuasive in other ways…
Her: C’mon sweetie, give me your Jesus Gel.
Me: Now? I mean, can’t the baby wait for another year or two?
Her: …So, you don’t love me and don’t want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?
Me: ………..Shit.
Which means that from now on, unless I become a Hokage-level master of the Pull Out-No-Jutsu, in just a few months time you may be reading Gaijin Smash: Azrael Vs Parenthood.
And if that isn’t a sobering thought, then I don’t know what is.

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84 Responses

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  1. Savio Mathews said, on April 24, 2008 at 4:54 am

    I love your blog. I’ve been reading it for a year, now. I sure wish I had a picture of you and your wife, I would love to show it to my girl, we just finished the legal paperwork for our marriage, too and we intend to hold the formal ceremony later.
    We’re similar in some ways. I am tall and dark for most Indian’s too, and I am an English accent trainer. My girl is a rather short, cute girl from North-East India, of East-Asian descent.

  2. Mayhem said, on April 24, 2008 at 5:52 am

    Congrats Az… can we expect any details of the wedding and/or pics come September? 😉
    Colonel Az, make ready for ludicrous speed! What sort of father do you think you’d make: Jack Bauer, Steve Martin (in Parenthood) or Eugene Levy? :p

  3. Marko said, on April 24, 2008 at 6:05 am

    Nice to hear from you again Az! 🙂 Thanks for the great writting.

  4. Aqua said, on April 24, 2008 at 6:11 am

    Phew, and here I was afraid the Scienmotologistseses had enslaved your mind. =O
    Congrats on legal marriage, Az!

  5. Tait said, on April 24, 2008 at 6:47 am

    Congrats on the “marriage.” Just doesn’t seem right until you’ve had the fancy day I do admit.
    Living in Australia, it’s very possible that I saw MMT. However, also living in Australia means that the diet for most of the Japanese women over here all have large bazoongas. It’s like gangstas paradise – coolio, yet, less ass and more titties.

  6. Marecki said, on April 24, 2008 at 7:31 am

    Hey, are you still allowed to make lewd comments on the Intarweb? 😉 Congrats man, and good luck.

  7. Anouk said, on April 24, 2008 at 8:00 am

    Nice seeing an update! I always enjoy your writing.
    A question – the “Very Lost In Translation” entry doesn’t work for me, is there a problem?
    Thanks! And I hope to see more updates from you 🙂

  8. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 8:53 am

    fatherhood? man, the end of an era.

  9. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 8:53 am

    fatherhood? man, the end of an era.

  10. Polaryzed said, on April 24, 2008 at 9:25 am

    Az…I feel your pain. At 30 with now 2 kids (and a wife) I can understand your hesitation. Is it worth it? Hell yes! Is it a huge pain in the ass? Hell yes! Will your life ever be the same? Hell no! But hey, the baby-making sex is good while it lasts…

  11. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 9:31 am

    What happened was after the older generation just found out that women really can’t just churn out babies in their mid-30s, and many of my comtemporaries are now adopting, doing $15000 fertility treatments and so forth, perhaps your friends realized 20-somethings can just get pregnant. (I had my first at 25, and most people I knew 10 years older were still “thinking about having kids” or “Trying to have kids” but were unsuccessful.)

  12. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 9:31 am

    What happened was after the older generation just found out that women really can’t just churn out babies in their mid-30s, and many of my comtemporaries are now adopting, doing $15000 fertility treatments and so forth, perhaps your friends realized 20-somethings can just get pregnant. (I had my first at 25, and most people I knew 10 years older were still “thinking about having kids” or “Trying to have kids” but were unsuccessful.)

  13. David said, on April 24, 2008 at 9:51 am

    You really need a comeback for that “Don’t you love me anymore” line :/
    Luckily, my gf isn’t like that so I don’t need to come up with one :p

  14. Strtpls3 said, on April 24, 2008 at 10:01 am

    YES! Glad to see that you are back and posting. You have no idea how much I look forward to catching your blog, especially on a bad day. Hope you continue to find the time to update…and good luck fending off the kids.

  15. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Nice to see you updating again. I laughed when you said time was flying by, but then realized I started reading your blog in high school and I’m now finishing my first year of college.

  16. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Nice to see you updating again. I laughed when you said time was flying by, but then realized I started reading your blog in high school and I’m now finishing my first year of college.

  17. qklilx said, on April 24, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Perhaps MMT went to Hawaii. I’m tempted to say that I saw her, except the rack I was talking to didn’t have the deep tan you described. But gee whiz did my girl have some big ass titties…

  18. Pepper said, on April 24, 2008 at 10:59 am

    You poor sucker.

  19. Dreamer said, on April 24, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    Glad to see you’re doing well az, i read your blog all through my stay in japan for a year as an exchange student, it brought some laughs and i could relate to a lot of what you said
    good luck with das family and keep updating mate

  20. Trenien said, on April 24, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Interesting read. I soo understand what you’re going through.
    As for the tux, you may want to consider a custom made one – with internet vendor the prices are very reasonable. And if you’re not confortable in taking your own measures, quite a few have people coming in Japan twice or thrice a year.

  21. mike said, on April 24, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    the lost in translation issue doesn’t work for me either

  22. Ric Flair said, on April 24, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    Your mother wanted a girl! Your father wanted a boy – They were both satisfied! ..Woooooo!
    -Ric Flair

  23. April said, on April 24, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    Hi Az,
    I’ve been reading your insights and adventures in Japan since almost Day One. I was lucky enough to come across Outpost Nine just as you started posting your tales of JET. So, like some others, I’ve been around for your long, strange journey for years now. I even sent some money once so you could go home to visit your family.
    I never posted on Outpost Nine forum but I drop by now and then to read.
    I have to say that lately reading about your engagement..and now official marriage..and fatherhood..well..it makes me feel like your the cool cousin I spent summers with and now your all grown up! Does that make sense? Nah..probably not.
    Anyway, I wish you all the best and I’ll keep reading as long as you keep writing.
    I look forward to it.
    Oh and as for putting your kid in the entertainment word; just stay away from Johnny’s Entertainment. They’re cute guys and all..but something seriously not right about that set up. ^-^

  24. Gino said, on April 24, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    THE JESUS GEL MAKES ITS RETURN!
    I think sometimes you can forget how iconic you are to a lot of people out here in cyberspace. I’m from california, just outside of sacramento (and yes, I know every dirty variation of the name), and now I live in new orleans. I’m a bit “off” in the head at times, which explains my interest in joining JET. Anyways, a lot of people here look up to you in a way, or might even think of you as a friend even though there’s no formal introduction. You’ve let a lot of people into your life, and sharing stuff like this, really means a lot. Keep goin strong Az.

  25. Andres0082 said, on April 24, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    I guess congratulations are in order, i mean we’ll have to wait till September for the big ceremony, but im guessing the missus couldn’t
    As for the pending fatherhood, maybe its the start of Gaijin Smash: The next generation
    i cant wait till Gaijin Smash: Deep Japanese 9
    lol

  26. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    love u az

  27. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    love u az

  28. Navi said, on April 24, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    I totally feel you pain about clothes never fitting, but in the opposite direction. Apparently people who wear a size 0 don’t exist if they’re under 5’10”, or else surely somebody would manufacture clothes for us short tiny people! Anybody? … *crickets chirping* … sigh.
    Maybe you can send your measurements to your awesome mom and have her ship you a tux? 😉
    I also know what you mean about WTF-are-people-my-age-doing-having-babies?!, and I’m only 21! But good luck keeping the bun out of the oven… if avoiding your hot sex-crazed wife can ever be considered a good thing… 😉
    Much love,
    -Navi

  29. Xak said, on April 24, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    You know, none of my friends I’ve stayed in close contact with have kids yet. Nor are they married. I had a 2 1/2 year engagement to my husband and it drove me nuts waiting for him to be ready for kids–and then another 18 months of trying before I COULD get pregnant. But suddenly, everywhere I look, women are pregnant–even those with long-term fertility issues. There’s super-fertility going around and it’s mostly confined over here in the US, but no promises.
    And remember, you’ll have 10 lunar months to get used to the idea of being a dad once she’s actually pregnant. It’s not just a “wham bam, *baby crying*” thing 😉 Good luck and I hope that you can come to terms with the idea before it becomes a reality.
    My 10 year reunion is actually coming up in a couple years, too… um, next year, actually. I doubt I’ll go. As you said, Myspace gives me all the real information I’m curious about. Standing around talking with now-strangers really just isn’t that exciting.
    Maybe if I was Angelina Jolie, I’d feel different. But then, I still don’t think I’d care. I’d be too busy being cooler than all of them combined, lol.
    And your classmates probably won’t know what an internet celebrity you are, especially amongst the bored masses. At least now I won’t have to listen to my husband complaining about how long it was taking you to update.
    Him: “He has to update! It’s not fair!”
    Me: “He’s probably just busy you know. He IS getting married, after all.”
    Him: “Do you think he died?”
    Me: “No, he’s just busy, give the guy a break.”
    Him: “No! He should be updating! Do you KNOW how long it’s been?”
    So don’t do that to me again, k?

  30. Jai said, on April 24, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    I suppose you’re right about the lightspeed. But as for children – dude Azarel, you gotta do it. Japan’s birthrates are in the toilet. Do your duty! /salute

  31. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    Dwarfs*
    >_>
    I guess I should say congratulations or something now.

  32. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    Dwarfs*
    >_>
    I guess I should say congratulations or something now.

  33. Patrick said, on April 24, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Wow, I guess I’m not fulfilling my biological prerogative (31, almost 32, still unmarried. But unemployed, so I guess that helps.) But congrats on the “legal” marriage. Some funny stuff. Have you considered getting a Twitter account tied to this, so you can have those pop up here?

  34. Jenna said, on April 24, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    your last two blogs don’t work for me.
    i look foward to hearing more about your experiences in japan.

  35. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Wow, I just realized you’re my age. Weird.
    Oh, and I’ve been married for a number of years now and am pregnant with our first kid. Get to work! Or, y’know, wait until September if that kind of thing’s important to you.

  36. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Wow, I just realized you’re my age. Weird.
    Oh, and I’ve been married for a number of years now and am pregnant with our first kid. Get to work! Or, y’know, wait until September if that kind of thing’s important to you.

  37. RisingStars said, on April 24, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    been reading the blog, and grats on the marriage and everything. All your posts makes for an awesome read. I’m from san francisco too, so fly me in for your wedding! j/k, Mayb you should start a “help az get married donation” thread on srk.

  38. Patrick said, on April 24, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    Dude congrats on your 1st wedding! I got married January 13 and I have some pointers for you about the tux: I myself am BIG for Japanese standards (5ft 9in, 190lbs) and finding a tux that fit was too EXPENSIVE. I was blown away! In the end I winded up buying a nice suit at Aoyama (I think thats the name). Everything costs me about \60,000, including the bowtie, shirts and shoes (yes shirts, since for my 2nd party I ditched the bow and wore a regular shirt and tie). And the sweet thing is I can wear the suit again!
    Anyways, Im sure bunch of people are giving you advice, and I wish you the best! Keep up the good work here! I hope this helps.

  39. Philip said, on April 24, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    HE LIVES!

  40. tumbleweed said, on April 25, 2008 at 1:41 am

    2 things:
    1) Your ‘Lost in Translation’ posting is a broken link.
    2) The ‘sign in’ to use a TypeKey identity isn’t configured for this site; the error message says I’m supposed to tell you that. 🙂

  41. Kylara said, on April 25, 2008 at 2:32 am

    What? She wants to get pregnant before the wedding day? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but really, wedding dress fittings! Does she really want to get refitted for her dress four months pregnant? That’s a thought that will slow down 99% of the populace. I wish you luck.

  42. Shamie said, on April 25, 2008 at 3:59 am

    WAIT, she’s willing to be prego for her wedding?! What the hell, seriously. MMT… your comments on her entertain me so. I’m happy to see you’re still living. If you end up going for another job, try something really light. As entertaining as the thought of you working as a Love Hotel cleaner is, you doing something really demanding would put too much of a strain on you.

  43. Garv said, on April 25, 2008 at 4:37 am

    GO FOR IT! KNOCK HER UP!
    lol, keep us posted 😉

  44. Hassan said, on April 25, 2008 at 4:50 am

    Or no reading, taking into considaration, how time-consuming babies are 🙂

  45. goat said, on April 25, 2008 at 4:53 am

    congrats on legal marriage. I am only 30 and i have already been married for 8 years, i do have one child, but she is just under 2. So as you can see my wife and i (she is 4 years older then i am) waited till we were good and ready for children. What worked for me putting it off was the financial issue. Unfortunately you are never totally financially ready for children, but you can be closer then other times. If you have the ring on your finger or are waiting for the ceremony, that is the perfect thing to used against the “don’t you love me” phrase. When she throws that one at you, all you need to do is point to the ring and say, “doesn’t matter you are chained to me now..hahahaha.” good luck man

  46. Tash said, on April 25, 2008 at 5:15 am

    Congrats on the contract stamping!
    As for babies:
    Sit her down for a talk and pull out the ‘international marriage so cultural differences that we need to work together to overcome, and we both have to ganbatte and take our time to make it work properly’ b/sh*t.
    We all know that’s only partly true, but I guess it’s a way of starting to phrase it in a language she’ll understand.
    And if she doesn’t, call the baby after Bob Sapp 😀 Because you know that will be great.

  47. Mew said, on April 25, 2008 at 7:31 am

    HA! From the first mention of ‘she wants to just get the paperwork out of the way’ I knew you were boned. What you were SUPPOSED TO SAY to ‘so you don’t love me and want to marry me’ is ‘of course I do baby, but I want our wedding to be magical and perfect, and I just can’t help but feel superstitious that getting married before the actual day will take away from its specialness start off our blissful married life off on the wrong foot’
    I’ll give you some help with the ‘…So, you don’t love me and don’t want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?’ part though. Your arguments to this should be: 1. I want to enjoy our pure and untarnished love for a while first, because babies make pure and untarnished love kind of tired from not-sleeping. 2. You’re making me feel like I’m just a way for you to have babies. Don’t you love ME?
    3. Appeal to the finances. If you being the sole breadwinner with her laid off is already making it really hard for you to get by, how do you think it’s going to be with her not working AND a new baby? Honestly? Tell her you want to make sure that you can afford to give the baby everything it needs and deserves before you have him/her.

  48. Tevin said, on April 25, 2008 at 7:40 am

    I won’t be starting my grad program in Kyoto until after the marriage, but I’ll be sure call you up when I’m there to get you a drink of your preference in ways of congratulations. Maybe we’ll be popping a few back in honour of a newly-born child at that point? 😉 As always, best of luck, man 🙂

  49. SteelBlaidd said, on April 25, 2008 at 8:10 am

    The problem with Pull-Out-No-Jutsu is it doesn’t work. According to a good friend, who is finally pregnant after [b]two years[/b] work and research, by the time you’ve shot your wad all the serious ordinance is already down range. It’s only the slacker sperm that has to be kicked out the door.
    Sorry:p
    (Az’s Note: Withdrawl does actually work – if done right, it’s 96% effective against pregnancy. If done right, that’s the kicker, which is why I said I need Hokage-level mastery.
    …Don’t ask me why I know this. -_- )

  50. Anonymous said, on April 25, 2008 at 9:57 am

    What!? Youre going to have a child?!
    A JAPANESE child!!!!
    FUCK THE TUXEDOS, START TRAINING!!
    If youre having a japanese kid you’ll need to tune up your kancho sense along with various other senses such as dodging flying toys and food and poop.
    Either that or work on your dick dodge with the misses.

  51. code monkey said, on April 25, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Your ten year reunion in June?!? Ohmygod, I’m older than you! I thought it was the other way around! Hu…hu…hu…
    To convince her to conceive after the marriage–aside from dress fittings–tell her about the physiological changes that happen to a woman during pregnancy. The type that you can’t answer when she asks you if she looks ugly pregnant.

  52. Andres0082 said, on April 25, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    I have an idea, if you cant find a tux, maybe get married in your Legendary Matsuken Samba kimono, that’ll make it a memorable wedding
    *insert mental image*

  53. Anonymous said, on April 25, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Congratulations Az and Mrs. Az!
    I wish you both all possible luck in finding a tux. And also for other things…

  54. Anonymous said, on April 25, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Congratulations Az and Mrs. Az!
    I wish you both all possible luck in finding a tux. And also for other things…

  55. Luiz Felipe said, on April 25, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    Yeah, be sure to post some wedding pics! I always try to imagine what you and your wife look like together lol
    I’ve been reading your blog since the old outpost 9 days, thanks for all you’ve written, it’s always great to check here and see a new update!

  56. Luiz Felipe said, on April 25, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    Yeah, be sure to post some wedding pics! I always try to imagine what you and your wife look like together lol
    I’ve been reading your blog since the old outpost 9 days, thanks for all you’ve written, it’s always great to check here and see a new update!

  57. yellowguy89 said, on April 25, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    Congrats on your legal marriage haha
    Ive been a reader of yours as of recently and your stories are HILARIOUS. Thanks for the great humor and once again congrats.

  58. Jenna said, on April 25, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    About the withdrawl method… precum has some semen in it. Some left over from the time when you shot your wad before, and a little coming out early.
    (Az’s Note: The original studies on precum found that it may contain sperm. Of course, health service agencies played this up as another reason why people should wrap up.
    Subsequent studies showed that, as you said, precum will only contain sperm if the male has not urinated since his last ejaculation – residue. It comes from the cowpers gland, and doesn’t have sperm otherwise. Also, the sperm it may pick up in the urethra is highly ineffective at causing pregnancy. However, health service agencies weren’t too quick to start publicizing this info…hey, as long as people are wrapping up at the fear of precum, right?)

  59. Patrick said, on April 25, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    Wow, there’s someone else on here with my name. Neato, I guess.
    Oh, and I, too, request wedding pics. At least one with the new misses.

  60. Justanothermom said, on April 25, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    Mikki wants babies NOW?!?!?!?
    Ok, the conservative, sensible side is coming out in me, and I’m SO wanting to help you respond to her arguments. Let’s begin:
    “Her: C’mon sweetie, give me your Jesus Gel.
    Me: Now? I mean, can’t the baby wait for another year or two?
    Her: …So, you don’t love me and don’t want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?…”
    *New responses:* “Of course I do, but first I want to enjoy more time just with you! I’m not ready to share you with a baby. You don’t want me to be jealous of the baby, do you?”
    “I do love you, but I want the babies to be born in America, to ensure their American citizenship. You do want to live in America and give our kids all the privileges of American citizenship, don’t you? Why make them wait until adulthood?”
    (Ok, someone already mentioned this one, but here’s my spin on it)”You know I love you, but you just got your wedding dress fitted to your gorgeous figure. If you get pregnant now, you’ll have to go through all that fitting again so that they can let it out to fit you, and that may mean adding material to compensate for the growth of the baby. Not to mention the bloating from the pregnancy…” Now that may come back with an argument about how her mother didn’t bloat or get big until later, but you can counter that too: “What if you take after someone on your father’s side, who got all misshapen early in pregnancy?”
    “Don’t forget I’m an American; in our culture, most people try to wait at least a year before bringing a baby into the relationship.” The response to finding that some of your friends got pregnant before the first anniversary? “Accidents happen.””They were always in a hurry.””They’re barely getting by, because the first baby came before they were on their financial feet.”
    I’m sure you’re talented enough to come up with some even better responses than these, or “Me: ………..Shit.”
    …BTW, pullout is only 86% effective, not 96. Guys just *wish* it were more effective.
    (Az’s Note: Wow. You’re a genious.
    And withdrawl can be 96% effective, but it depends on the guy and how well he performs.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pull_out_method
    Yeah, I know, Wiki, but actually it sums up very nicely all of the research I’ve done on this.)

  61. Mr. Nobody said, on April 26, 2008 at 2:37 am

    What you really need is kawamari no jutsu. A quick replacement is very useful if she ever gets mad enough to throw kunai at you, too…

  62. goat said, on April 26, 2008 at 4:33 am

    Don’t worry to much about the American citizenship issue. All you need to do is prove as much as you can that the child was conceived in japan and she spent most of the pregnancy in japan (such as check up hospital bills that kind of thing) they will ask you a few lame questions, and not long after you fill out all the paperwork and some pics of your child you will get a passport, social security card, and an born abroad birth certificate (don’t lose this it is a pain in the ass to get a new one according to the embassy that is). It is all a pretty easy process at least it was for my daughter who is now 2. I live in Malaysia and they don’t allow dual citizenship, but lucky for me the Malaysians and the American embassy don’t talk to each other that much so she is a dual citizens, only Malaysia doesn’t know that. Oh and by the way my wife is not an American citizen, the child only need one parent to be an American to get American citizenship. Ok i don’t think i have used the word citizenship enough yet so i will say it one more time “citizenship/”

  63. Liv said, on April 26, 2008 at 6:03 am

    My ten year reunion is this year as well and, like you, I’ll have to make do with Myspace and Facebook. While I won’t have the pleasure of showing up and saying, “Well, no, I haven’t exactly written that novel and the closest I ever came to being a Broadway actress was writing theater reviews for a magazine in New York,” I am at least able to respond curious Myspace messages from ex-classmates with, “Oh, no, no, darling, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to the reunion … you see, I live in JAPAN, now and, of course, it is just so horribly, terribly far away and exotic that I couldn’t possibly dream of going back to Bumblefork, Florida.” I guess it’s the little things that comfort us. And 500 yen s’mores at a Canadian pizza place.

  64. kaching said, on April 26, 2008 at 7:10 am

    Congrats on the marriage.
    And I though my fiance and I were rushing things by pulling our wedding together in 7 months! We are planning on starting a family right after the wedding, but the two of us are a bit older than you (I’m 30, he’s 43). Just remember that kids are very expensive and if you’re struggling to pull together money for the wedding, you don’t need another expense right after to put a strain on the marriage.

  65. Anna said, on April 27, 2008 at 3:51 am

    Reminds me of a Roseanne episode.
    Becky was curious about sex and Aunt Jackie gave her a talk about birth control, condoms, spermicide, and a cervix cap. She said using multiple methods will be like “Fort Knox.”
    Becky said, “What about the pull-out method” to which Roseanne enters the kitchen and replies, “Ask your little brother.”
    Many of my friends wound up pregnant and were *shocked* at how it happened. C’mon. One sperm + one egg = baby. Guys have oodles of swimmers. Do the math.
    Citizenship is easy to obtain as long at one parent has legal citizenship or the baby was born on US land, you will never be denied. Get a lawyer who specializes in citizenship to expedite your case. No problem.
    Anyway, congrats!

  66. Shinkada said, on April 27, 2008 at 5:25 am

    I’d just like to debunk an earlier comment…
    No, Australia does NOT have large expanses of large-breasted Asian women. While it’s true that this is the kind of thing I’d say just to deter weeaboos, it’s also true that it’s true, because most of the Asians here are fresh off the boat. Sydney or Queensland may be different, but that’d only work if you want your Asian woman to come with a side order of obnixious Westernized highschool mentality.
    Yeah, this is why I don’t get laid. Damn standards.

  67. Naoe Ney said, on April 27, 2008 at 5:31 am

    Congrats Az! A new record in fast-marriage *haha*
    (have been reading your blog since months now and thought it was a good moment to leave my first comment ;D)

  68. Kat said, on April 27, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    “Jesus Gel” made me lol. 🙂

  69. aj said, on April 27, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    grats az! while your marriage seemed fast for you, it didn’t beat mine: after meeting my hubby 4 months prior, we went straight to reno and got married. we’ve been married for 9 years now (my hubby insisted it haha not me) and had a child. we waited several years later and well, we’re still struggling financially to pay the bills and stuff (our daughter’s 6 this year).
    you better be careful az…she found your weak spot. women tend to use that line far too often…i would know, cuz i heard my friends use it to their significant others. i don’t use it on my hubby tho. u guys definitely need to sit down and talk about this, having a kid right away is not the way to go (see other suggestions from previous comments).
    i went to my 10 year high school reunion last year. i noticed that some looked a lot better than other, some looked and acted the same, while the others acted worse than their teenage self, if not hoochier. =_= i had fun though. with myspace and facebook, i think it makes it easier than to just really go and check it out (money problems here), unless you really need the human interaction (or you can take a mini-vacation).
    so congrats again…and um, good luck on convincing your wife to wait.

  70. Sierra said, on April 27, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    Congratulations on everything! You’ve really provided me with endless hours of joy with your blog, and I thank you for that.
    Maybe if you talk finances with your wife, she will hold off on having children for a while. For example you could say, “Why don’t we wait to have children until we have enough money or…something.” Um…well, I’m not sure what to put at the the end of that, but maybe you do. At least I’m trying! In your wife’s defense, I have to agree that women can’t wait until their 30’s for cruel, cruel biological reasons. I’m not even sure that you want to wait that long. Do you really want to be raising teenagers in your fifties? I don’t. ~~Uhhh~~ *Shudder*

  71. Heckler said, on April 27, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    Congratulations on the marriage (looks like you got screwed, but still good deal), but dammit, don’t keep us dangled for 2 months ever again, OK!! You owe this much to us…
    Az, looks like now your bedroom activities will be confined to straight sex – no oral, backdoor, bukakke or other kinky stuff. Gotta make those swimmers work!

  72. Anonymous said, on April 28, 2008 at 12:29 am

    THE PULL OUT JUSTU DOES NOT WORK!

  73. Anonymous said, on April 28, 2008 at 12:29 am

    THE PULL OUT JUSTU DOES NOT WORK!

  74. Leushenko said, on April 29, 2008 at 9:15 am

    What I want to know is how a country of raving baby-machines can have a population problem.

  75. Anonymous said, on April 29, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    I’ve got to say, and maybe you’ll feel I’m prying too deeply into your own affairs, but I don’t think it’s right for you or her to rush this.
    Yes, because of the effect it could have on you and your relationship in the long run but especially for the kid. Don’t think I’m suggesting you’d make a bad parent, certainly not. But I think it’s simply not right to rush into the creation of another human being so easily.
    The trouble is, and it’s true of most parents, that when they decide to get pregnant they’re not thinking about creating another human being but simply thinking about bringing their relationship to the next level. “Let’s make a baby together”. Which isn’t at all appropriate, in my view.
    Yes, yes, they make all the necessary preparations. They buy a crib, they read all the baby books, they even go to counseling sessions etc. but nothing can prepare you for the stark reality of holding that bawling, warm, bloodied lump in your hands and realizing what you’ve signed yourself and IT especially up for.
    Nothing prepared me for the reality of that. When I saw it and understood that I had brought another human being into the world (who would live, love, hate, think, wonder, suffer, age, die) and based on what? My petty, childish, extinguishable affections? Was it the same as when we moved in together, bought a car together, bought a house together? We treated it like that. Like it was a game. But that wasn’t right at all, human life is far darker and far more painful than that. It’s not about “making a cute baby”, it’s not even about preparing for the dreaded years of puberty, or dealing with the kid’s entry into college. I mean, Christ, those domestic little obligations don’t enter into it. It’s another human intellect. It was like … I felt like Frankenstein when I had done it. We’d been toying with something we never should have.
    I was repelled by my own near sightedness. Some say it’s an amazing experience that you’ve just GOT to have. But then, that’s an absurd way of looking at it. I mean, how selfish. As if my own feelings of enlightenment and profoundness somehow trump the gravity of creating another human being.
    ^^That’s what I would say IF I were a father. Don’t take it from me, though, that whole post is entirely speculative. Maybe I’m just too childish for kids. Anyway, good luck Az. Wish you the best with all your relationship-ical endeavors.

  76. Anonymous said, on April 29, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    I’ve got to say, and maybe you’ll feel I’m prying too deeply into your own affairs, but I don’t think it’s right for you or her to rush this.
    Yes, because of the effect it could have on you and your relationship in the long run but especially for the kid. Don’t think I’m suggesting you’d make a bad parent, certainly not. But I think it’s simply not right to rush into the creation of another human being so easily.
    The trouble is, and it’s true of most parents, that when they decide to get pregnant they’re not thinking about creating another human being but simply thinking about bringing their relationship to the next level. “Let’s make a baby together”. Which isn’t at all appropriate, in my view.
    Yes, yes, they make all the necessary preparations. They buy a crib, they read all the baby books, they even go to counseling sessions etc. but nothing can prepare you for the stark reality of holding that bawling, warm, bloodied lump in your hands and realizing what you’ve signed yourself and IT especially up for.
    Nothing prepared me for the reality of that. When I saw it and understood that I had brought another human being into the world (who would live, love, hate, think, wonder, suffer, age, die) and based on what? My petty, childish, extinguishable affections? Was it the same as when we moved in together, bought a car together, bought a house together? We treated it like that. Like it was a game. But that wasn’t right at all, human life is far darker and far more painful than that. It’s not about “making a cute baby”, it’s not even about preparing for the dreaded years of puberty, or dealing with the kid’s entry into college. I mean, Christ, those domestic little obligations don’t enter into it. It’s another human intellect. It was like … I felt like Frankenstein when I had done it. We’d been toying with something we never should have.
    I was repelled by my own near sightedness. Some say it’s an amazing experience that you’ve just GOT to have. But then, that’s an absurd way of looking at it. I mean, how selfish. As if my own feelings of enlightenment and profoundness somehow trump the gravity of creating another human being.
    ^^That’s what I would say IF I were a father. Don’t take it from me, though, that whole post is entirely speculative. Maybe I’m just too childish for kids. Anyway, good luck Az. Wish you the best with all your relationship-ical endeavors.

  77. John Wayne said, on April 29, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    just ask her to take it from behind, if she doesnt want to counter with “you dont love me enough for that”

  78. Toby said, on May 2, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    I don’t know if it’s an option, but could you take a trip to Hong Kong or Thailand to have a tux made? The tailoring there is really good and really cheap.

  79. hipster said, on May 2, 2008 at 9:17 pm

    Jesus Gel! Woot woot!
    I can’t wait till your wedding ceremony…and I don’t even know you. Just like weddings, I guess. Like some people mentioned above, it’d be GREAT if you posted some pics of the wedding in sept. It’d cheer me up for sure, at the end of summer. 🙂

  80. Anonymous said, on May 6, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Wow that was the scariest post I’ve ever seen
    hang in there

  81. Anonymous said, on May 6, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Wow that was the scariest post I’ve ever seen
    hang in there

  82. SpeedyCerviche said, on May 8, 2008 at 11:00 am

    Hey Az, Congrats, im sure you’ve heard it enough but a few more times can’t hurt eh?
    Noticed you mentioned Facebook, do you have a fan group on it, if not, you need to make one if not, let us add you dude!

  83. shinraunit said, on May 17, 2008 at 11:35 am

    Hey, Ive been in Japan for four days now (my first trip, whee!) and I’m pretty sure that I saw MMT on the train in Osaka. Do you take the Hankyu or Midousuji lines by any chance?
    Though I’ve yet to visit anywhere else in Japan. Kansai seems like a really nice place to be. I have lost count of how many times I have been helped out by random strangers, whether they spend 40 minutes giving me directions or buying a train ticket for me because I dont have the correct change or can’t read the train maps.
    I also met two American English teachers in DenDen Town. We got into a discussion and I told them about your site. They didn’t know what I was talking about… until I mentioned ‘dodgedick’. It was like a lightbulb went on over their heads.
    Well, I have two days left here, maybe I will run into you or something.
    (Az’s Note: Hankyu, yeah.)

  84. Jay said, on July 17, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    How about some pictures of your wedding AZ?


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