Gaijin Smash

You Are What You Drink

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 13, 2008

I woke up Saturday morning in a hospital bed, vomit stains on my shirt, with my company president and my supervisor standing over me. As I start to sit up, the president stops me – “Don’t get up. You’re not wearing any pants.” I look down, and sure enough, I am naked from the waist down.
And this is a very curious thing. I mean, its one thing to wake up in a hospital bed and have no idea how you got there…but to do so with no pants? How, exactly, does that happen? I was going to have to backtrack a little bit. Today was Saturday…what did I do on Friday night?
That’s right…I went out drinking with my co-workers. It wasn’t an official company party, but quite a few people ended up going, including our president. We went to a restaurant owned by a neighborhood friend of one of the employees. I’ll call this woman…Cindy*. Cindy has a reputation for being quite the drinker around the office, so most of us were kind of bracing for a wild night from her. Also, when she gets drunk, she has a habit of flirting with me heavily, and making all sorts of innuendo towards what would happen between the two of us if I didn’t have a girlfriend already. I should point out that Cindy is married; however her husband never seems to come up in the discussions of “I love Az.”
*Yes, I know my nicknames are no longer creative. I do not care.
While I’m explaining Cindy, I need to add a word about my supervisor. If you’ll recall from the Work Barbecue editorial, this is the same woman who fed me generous amounts of beer and whiskey. She happens to have the same first name as Cindy, so I’ll call her Boss Cindy. I find her to be a very, very attractive woman. I think the feeling is somewhat mutual, but for various reasons (not the least of which, my FIANCE) we both hold back. At the restaurant, to accommodate our large group two tables had been moved together. Originally, I sat at one table with both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy, but as the night went on Married Cindy began to make her way down to the other table. This is an important logistics point, so remember it. Also keep in mind that both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy can drink a lot of alcohol.


The night starts out ordinarily enough. At first there’s one big group conversation, but as the night goes on and the alcohol flows, the conversation becomes divided between the two tables. I’m sitting with Boss Cindy, Married Cindy, and two other girls. The other two girls are not important.
At one point, everyone at my table decides they’re going to speak English. Married Cindy actually can speak some English, having did a study abroad in Canada for a few years. “What’s your hobby?” she asks me, “Mine is drunk.” Funny as that sounds, its actually kind of accurate. I say my hobbies to which Married Cindy tells me I’m boring. She’s trying to call me a country bumpkin, but her English abilities + alcohol influence aren’t letting her do a good job of it. “You are a potato!” She says at first. Nope, that’s not right. “You are a farmer!” Well, getting closer I guess. “You are Ohio!” Now we’ve moved into land masses.
I started out drinking beer. I like beer, beer is great. I’m also trying to workout and control my diet, and beer is like drinking fucking bread. After three beers, I decide to switch to something else. Now, I don’t know why I’m thinking this…but for some reason, I have the idea that Japanese sake would be much better for me. “It’s healthier”, I’m thinking, but in reality sake is about as healthy for you as sucking on the exhaust pipe of a diesel tanker.
The thing about sake is, when you order it in Japan they usually give you a bottle and at least two cups. Why two cups? Because one person drinking the whole bottle is suicidal, that’s why. I would have been more than glad to share my sake with someone, but the only person with the intestinal fortitude to keep up with Japanese sake was Married Cindy. Getting increasingly drunk (hey, her hobby!), she’d moved to the other table to fraternize with the people sitting there. I was on my own.
Boss Cindy notices me drinking sake, and asks why the change. I tell her I changed because I thought sake was healthier, and Boss Cindy informs me that it certainly is not. If anything, sake is worse than beer. Well if that’s the case, I might as well be drinking beer. Boss Cindy agrees, and as she has just finished a beer of her own, she calls over the waiter and puts in an order for two beers – one for her, one for me.
And this is the beginning of my downfall.
***
Waking up in a hospital bed Saturday morning was bad. Well, it was bad for all the obvious reasons, but doubly so because I actually had to work on Saturday. Yes, work on Saturday. I live in Japan, bite me. I tried to get up, but both the president and Boss Cindy stop me. “No no, stay down. You’re really fucked.” They both go off and leave me in the bed. Having just woke up, basically, I feel fine. Little do I know, as my body slowly starts to wake up, its going to realize just how fucked up it is.
At any rate, I have to go to the bathroom. I start to sit up to at least do that. That’s when the urge to vomit hits me. I’m trying to complete my getting up motion, but its clear that my body isn’t going to cooperate. The best I can do is grab a nearby trash can. I get half of the initial hurl in the trash, with the other half hitting the floor. Its the yellow, soupy type of vomit, with very little chunk or actual substance. This is disturbing for two immediate reasons.
1. If the first sensation I have upon waking up is to vomit…what the hell happened last night?!
2. I’d eaten a big dinner, and a decent lunch as well. …Where’d it go?
A nearby nurse hears me hurling, and comes by with a vomit bucket. The vomit “bucket” was no bigger than a child’s cereal bowl. Considering that my insides were still trying to turn themselves inside out, I decided to stick with the trash can. At one point, I was literally vomiting air – my stomach had run out of content, but it still wanted to hurl. The nurse, much like the prez and Boss Cindy, had told me to stop trying to get up and lie back down. I told her I had to go to the bathroom, and her response to that was to give me a bedpan. Great, to top everything else off about this wonderful morning, now I’m going to be pissing in a thermos as well. Again, I’m not in a position to argue, so the nurse gives me privacy and I take my bedpan.
HOLY MOTHER JESUS OF CHRIST! IT HURT. IT FUCKING HURT.
I’m not talking about the good ‘ol “burns when you pee” sensation. I know that one. This hurt was physical PAIN. Like, my urine was composed of 1000 Little Mac’s, and they were all left hook’ing their way out of my penis. “Burns when you pee” was NOTHING compared to this shit. Granted, its a topic I know nothing about, but I might compare the pain to that of childbirth. If the mother was giving birth to a porcupine. I’ve been in some scratches and scrapes in my life but Godfuckingdammit that piss was the most painful thing ever.
I thought back to my current state, specifically, the lack of pants. Was it possible that I’d had sex with someone and contracted an STD that causes extreme physical pain? What were the types of STD that could be associated with “The Georgia Tech Marching Band trampling down your urethra” pain? None that I could think of. It filled me with a sense of relief and added fear – at least I didn’t have something I knew of, but on the other hand, maybe I’d contracted a new and mutated form of Super Chlamydia. Who’d I have to fuck to get that? Is it possible that in my drunken state, I ran into my ex-girlfriend somewhere?
But then again, if a guy is drunk to that extent, in all likelihood the little general is never going to make it to half-staff, much less attention. I couldn’t have had sex. What happened?
I tried to remember back to last night again. I could see my downfall clearly – I was drinking both beer and sake at the same time. In America, this type of drink is called a sake bomb – you drop a small cup of sake into a beer mug, and then chug the whole thing down. You might as well call it a Kamikaze, because this is about as suicidal diving your poorly-constructed paper plane into an American battleship made of forged iron and steel. It wasn’t even that I was doing sake bombs, I just had a beer in one hand, a sake cup in the other, and was taking swigs from both.
I should consider myself lucky I was waking up in a hospital bed, not a coffin. …Well, I guess you don’t really wake up in coffins, but I think you get the idea.
Now my memory was starting to get a little hazy. I remembered being in the restaurant. I was talking to Married Cindy. No, scratch that – I was flirting with Married Cindy. I remember talking to Boss Cindy. She was talking about how, at over 30 and with no boyfriend, she was “no good.” I was trying to tell her otherwise, and I think I was inches away from saying terribly inappropriate things. Did I? Oh God, here’s where my memory goes blank!
The prez and Boss Cindy come back to my hospital bed. They tell me that my girlfriend is on the way with a change of clothes. Theoretically, this is good news, but I have a sinking feeling, it’s all going downhill from here…
***
My girlfriend arrives a short time later. She’s remarkably less upset than I thought she would be. I mean, what girlfriend wants to get the call from her boyfriend’s workplace: can you come to the hospital? Your boyfriend is passed out and covered in his own vomit. Oh, and bring a change of clothes too, because he’s not wearing any pants. Mostly, she just seemed worried about my health.
With my girlfriend here to keep watch over me, both the prez and Boss Cindy go to leave. I’m still promising to come in to work today. The prez says “Don’t push yourself”, but in reality, I think he knows that it was more likely that God would part the heavens, reach down, scoop up Japan, and personally deliver the Japanese to the Promised Lands, than I would be able to go in to work today. I think my brain was the only one in the room who didn’t know better.
Az’s Brain: Okay, so we woke up in a hospital bed. No biggie. Just get up, clean ourselves off, and go to work.
Az’s Stomach: ….Oh Lord, he doesn’t know, does he?
Az’s Heart: Can you blame him? He’s been cut off from us for quite a while.
Az’s Anxiety: Still! Trying to make checks our asses can’t cash!
Az’s Heart: We’ve got to find a way to restore communication. Hey Penis, you two share a blood supply, right? Sometimes Brain uses you to think. Any way you can take control down there?
Az’s Penis: Hurts…so…much…kill me…end my misery…
Az’s Heart: Um, what happened to Penis?
Az’s Anxiety: We’re not sure, but this is the quietest he’s EVER been.
Az’s Penis: God, why? Why are you so cruel and unforgiving?
Az’s Heart: Allright then, so we’ve got no communication with either the main or battle bridge. What do we do?
Az’s Stomach: Hey, I’m really fucked up. I’ve sort of been keeping quiet about it, but I can really make a scene.
Az’s Anxiety: Sounds like a plan!
Az’s Heart: I guess we have no other choice. Stomach, you’re on!
My stomach begins to hurt really, really bad. The hospital decides to keep me there for further observation, or at least until I stabilize. The pain becomes so bad, I force myself to sleep so I don’t have to put up with it. I wake up at several random intervals, with my fiance at my side supporting me.
…Except, for one time, when I woke up, and my girlfriend, with a look of pure, unrefined evil hatred on her face, is waving my cell phone in front of my face as I slowly regain consciousness. It takes a moment to fully wake up and for my eyes to focus on what it is she’s waving in my face.
…Oh shit.
She’d found something I’d hoped she would NEVER find. Recent contact from a girl I’ve, uh, known, in the past. I want to clarify something right this instant – I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Okay, wait, I did, but not since meeting my girlfriend! It’s a long story, but basically, I stopped knowing her in the biblical sense a long time ago, 6 months before I even met my fiance. Yes, we do remain in contact. She speaks English and has a very high-profile job (she’s worked with celebrities and at major events and what not). Aside from just being able to speak English every now and then (which is rare for me), I figure she could also be a contact for a better/high-powered job or some kind of cushy gig. And, we are still basically friends.
However, the fiance does know that I’ve known this girl, and there isn’t an explanation on Earth that would make her comfortable with our continued contact. Guys, you know the deal – you’re doing something that’s not necessarily bad, but you know your significant other wouldn’t exactly be comfortable with it. You can choose to be honest and have her worrying about it the whole time…or you can conveniently not mention it, and if she never finds out…well, you didn’t do anything wrong anyway, so no harm no foul, right? It’s a brilliant plan, except it comes with the clause that if she does find out, a Hell Gate the size of Texas will be open, spawning billions of nasty demons with laser-tipped fingers, and all of them want nothing more than to kill you in the worst way possible. Yes, its a jolly-good brilliant plan.
I’d always been pretty good about what I kept and didn’t keep on my phone…but unfortunately, my calculations never took into account my fiance looking through my phone for my boss’s phone number while I lay in a hospital bed, covered in my own vomit and still without pants. Next time I shall plan for that.
So again, I haven’t done anything with this woman in years, but imagine what it must have looked like to my fiance to find her contact info, knowing about our past, and seeing that I wasn’t exactly up-front about it (which, to a woman’s eyes, are as good as hiding shit). This was quickly shaping up to be the worst day ever. I manage to diffuse the situation faster than MacGuvyer with a toothpick, 3 loose coat buttons, and a shoestring though. With a proper explanation, and deleting the woman’s number and address off my phone on the spot, all was well.
After a few hours I’m finally released from the hospital. I was still thinking about work, but on the way out of the hospital my stomach pains flared up again, and a subsequent trip to the bathroom reminded me that my urethra was getting beat up worse than Tina Turner who forgot to fold up Ike’s laundry. I was going to have to take the day off.
My penis pains continued as the day went on; I was terrified to go to the bathroom. As you all know from The Octopus Debacle, I do NOT play around when it comes to mishaps south of the border. I went to another hospital later that night, and got an exam. It was similar to my last penis exam, except the nurse watching was a lot older, and there was also a young guy in training watching too. The doctor also saw fit to stick a finger in my ass as well. I dunno, I guess he was just being thorough, but I imagine right now there are thousands of schoolkids cheering all over Japan. I got dick-grabbed AND kanchoed in a 30 second interval.
The doctor told me that I was basically fine, and offered up an explanation for the pain – I’d probably been subject to an urethra swab. I’ve heard about these as a form of STD testing. I always sort of laughed at the guys who had to ensure this, while secretly wincing in pain and hoping I never fucked a girl dirty enough to make me need to have an urethra swab. For the women in the audience shaking their heads in confusion – a urethra swab is basically someone taking a Q-tip and shoving it *in* your dickhole. Holy Evander Holyfield, that hurt to just type it, and to think I was the unwilling recipient of one! The after pain was already bad enough, thank GOD I wasn’t conscious for the actual swab. Its a kancho for the front end, and yes, that is every bit as horrible as it sounds. More horrible, actually.
Az’s Lesson of the Day: To all the young boys reading, be safe. Wear a condom. I don’t care how many bastard babies you father or how many strains of Super-AIDS you catch, let me tell you, you NEVER want to be in a position where you’re not sure if you have an STD or what, and you need to get your urethra swabbed to find out. Trust me, an urethra swabbing is THE WORST THING EVER. If some guy told me I could have a threesome with any two women of my choice, AND a billion dollars, and my only price to pay for this shot at heaven was a urethra swab, I’d fucking kick him in his balls and then give him a urethra swab. It is THAT BAD. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
*The More You Know rainbow logo flies overhead*
Later, in talking to my girlfriend and my co-workers, I was able to piece together some of what happened during my memory loss.
We finished eating at the restaurant. Everyone gets ready to leave, but I take one last trip to the bathroom. As I come back, I sit down and pass out. Now, Japanese people think that a person on the verge of an alcohol-poisoning death is the funniest thing ever, so apparently much fun was had at my expense. Pictures may have been taken. One guy decides it would be funny to call up my girlfriend, so he takes my cell phone and calls her up by video phone to show her the state I’m in. Fiance does not find the humor, and literally screams at him to either find a way to get me back home, or call an ambulance.
Apparently, it takes 5 guys 30 minutes to carry me out of the restaurant. Not counting the paramedics, 3 of the guys were drunk, but still. C’mon, I’m not that heavy. Apparently, the big problem was that we were on the third floor, and the staircase was one of those narrow spiral staircases which complicated things. 30 minutes later, I’m in the ambulance, and the paramedics are trying to find a hospital to take me to. Funny thing about Japan #2: hospitals actually close, and even if you are sick, in distress, or hell, dying, all you get is a “please come back during regular operating hours.” This actually isn’t funny at all. And there have been quite a few cases where hospitals refused to admit elderly patients or expectant mothers in labor, and as a result the patient/mother/newborn child died.
So, after the tenth hospital, they finally find a place to take me in. I’m given a bed, and the nurses advice to remove my pants just in case I piss myself during the night. It’s probably a good idea to remove my clothes anyway, seeing as how they’re caked in vomit. Someone comes up with the bright idea of giving me a urethra swab – I don’t know who, but I can only speculate it was some evil lesbian nurse who’d just been dumped by her boyfriend and wanted some measure of revenge against the male species. The next morning, I eventually wake up in the hospital bed with a shirt covered in vomit, and naked from the waist down.
I still do not know at what point I started vomiting, or where. I’ve asked if I said or did anything inappropriate during the period I don’t remember – everyone says no, but I don’t know if that’s the truth, or the truth of the matter is so unspeakable they must lie to me lest their eyes cry black blood. Either way, that is the first – and LAST – time I will let sake fuck me up that badly. And I think I’m going to stick to water and tea for the next few months. I’m pretty sure water and tea won’t have me waking up in any hospital beds. And if somehow I do, well…that will be the ultimate proof of my destiny, that I am fated to exist solely to entertain the masses.
And because its worth repeating: NEVER do ANYTHING that might lead you getting a urethra swab.

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95 Responses

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  1. Patrick said, on February 13, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Lmao oh god that hurt to read about the urethra swabbing.
    Good to hear you’re well.

  2. Gino said, on February 13, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    hey az, be thankful they used a cotton swab and not a cactus. That sounds like mideival torture to me.

  3. AutumnFire said, on February 13, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    “And I think I’m going to stick to water and tea for the next few months.”
    It’ll probably help you heal from the urethra swab faster.
    Dude. You know better than to hang onto something that anyone–especially your fiancee–can get into. If you haven’t cleared everything out from your computer and cellphone, do it NOW.
    Seriously though, you’ve asked this lovely lady to be with you and marry you. If you aren’t willing to be honest with her or honor her feelings about ex-girlfriends then you should cancel the wedding now. That right there is probably why Karma made sure you got a urethra swab.

  4. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    dude…..saying ‘i feel your pain’ doesn’t cut it. getting a urethra swab *pats on back* i’m sorry to hear that. now i’ve always wrapped up, but now knowing i can get one by drinking too much….ahh well lets just say i’ll stick to other activities.

  5. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    dude…..saying ‘i feel your pain’ doesn’t cut it. getting a urethra swab *pats on back* i’m sorry to hear that. now i’ve always wrapped up, but now knowing i can get one by drinking too much….ahh well lets just say i’ll stick to other activities.

  6. Alex said, on February 13, 2008 at 3:27 pm

    Yeah alcohol poisoning is a bitch, you puke beyond the point where your body has fluids to heave up. Best case scenario is surviving the shame safely at home with your own toilet for company. Worst case I’d say is having some Japanese medical professional stick a cotton swab down your pee-hole. On behalf of everybody who has a pee-hole, my condolences.

  7. Freerefill said, on February 13, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    And people laugh at me for not drinking…
    Well, could have been worse at least. The gods know how many women you could have boned, and that would probably be the end of your job and your relationship. I don’t drink, but if I did and I woke up in the same situation, I wouldn’t care how much my dick hurt if my co-workers told me that I giggled for a bit and then fainted without touching anyone. That would be like a choir of angels to my ears.

  8. Reilaos said, on February 13, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    What kind of horrendously large instrument did they swab you with? O.O

  9. SilverExl said, on February 13, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    You hit the jackpot with your fiance, i’ve done less and gotten off way worse.
    Thank your lucky stars az, thank your lucky stars.

  10. JeniOctavia said, on February 13, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    Dearlord, man. I’m glad you’re okay! That sounds like hell and then some.

  11. Shinkada said, on February 13, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Oh God. Az pulls a Tucker Max. There’s a new one. Good job man, but really, deleting the contact info of a friend on the spot? I hope you have that shit saved somewhere else, or I’m worried about how whipped this girl has you…

  12. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    wow….that is some night. Hope you feel better

  13. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    wow….that is some night. Hope you feel better

  14. G-man said, on February 13, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    wow….that is some night. Hope you feel better

  15. Wayland said, on February 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    You freaking idiot. I want to just give you sh*t for this. Next thing you need to do is find out who gave you the swab and take them down a dark alley. I had a catheter in me one time. Yeah, that was fun.

  16. YukataNinja said, on February 13, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Continue down this path young padawan, and you will become the next Tucker Max. Your penile troubles remind me of his stories “Tucker ruptures appendix hilarity ensues” and the one about the girl who tricks him into getting that STD test done (I think from IHTSBIH).

  17. Dave Worley said, on February 13, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Don’t say you didn’t deserve it, asshole!
    Hope you’re better 😉

  18. tehmoe said, on February 13, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    did you ever find out what happened to your nether regions?

  19. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    Reading about sake bombs was funny as hell. Watched someone almost do the same thing because they started to down sake bombs. Well I hope that your Mr. Happy and liver recover quickly.

  20. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    Reading about sake bombs was funny as hell. Watched someone almost do the same thing because they started to down sake bombs. Well I hope that your Mr. Happy and liver recover quickly.

  21. Pseudopadoz said, on February 13, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    You think the urethra swab was bad? Just think: It could have been worse; what if you’d had one of those…miniature…Japanese penises. Your urethra would have been smaller! And if the hospitals are cheap enough to close at night, do you think they get those urethra swab q-tips in multiple sizes?
    Why, if you didn’t have the stereotypical chocolate anaconda, that swab would have been going into a smaller hole, doing far more damage!

  22. Freedom III said, on February 13, 2008 at 9:20 pm

    That painful, huh?…then again, I guess that it’s kinda like trying to stuff a wire-wrapped sausage down your throat…I’ll make a point of never getting myself in a position where I’d have to get one…or have them put me in a 3-4 day coma if they ever have to…

  23. louis said, on February 13, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    I only read the first sentence. That’s good enough for now.

  24. Angelfish said, on February 13, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    This is unrelated to the post, but I have a small request: Would you consider uploading a short audio clip of yourself talking in Japanese?
    Westerners living in Japan is a very fascinating subject, but I especially enjoy hearing foreigners speak fluent Japanese, with heavy accents or not. I find the language really difficult to speak myself, and as you apparently have no trouble conversating with the locals I’d be curious to know how it actually sounds like!
    Excellent blog entries recently, by the way. I just reread some of your older entries and think your stuff’s gotten more and more entertaining through the years (though I feel your pain regarding the latest adventure)!

  25. uncreative said, on February 13, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    To the dude that said he is whipped for deleting the contact info:
    Have you ever had someone get mad at you when you were hung over, let alone under the effects of alcohol poisoning? I would do anything I had to do in order to end it ASAP as well, whipped or not. It is difficult enough to clear up a “she’s just a friend, i swear” issue with an ex-carnal relation when your body isn’t recovering from nearly dying.

  26. Rob said, on February 13, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    “…you know your significant other wouldn’t exactly be comfortable with it. You can choose to be honest and have her worrying about it the whole time…or you can conveniently not mention it, and if she never finds out…well, you didn’t do anything wrong anyway, so no harm no foul, right?”
    I’ve been married for about 10 years now… and all I can tell you is that this is a horrible plan and it never works. If you can’t just be up front about whatever, and work together to get ‘comfortable’ about it… well, you’re screwed.
    “I wasn’t exactly up-front about it (which, to a woman’s eyes, are as good as hiding shit).”
    Call me a chick if you want, but yeah, it IS hiding shit. Time to grow up if you wanna be married. [Well, grow up THAT part of your perspective… and if you want it to be a GOOD marriage.]
    Gambare.

  27. Latin_pyro said, on February 14, 2008 at 12:48 am

    I had to get a uretha swab once….it was horrifying

  28. anon said, on February 14, 2008 at 12:54 am

    I’ll quote your last entry… “**I have long since accepted that I’m going to hell. Now, I’m just enjoying the ride.”
    I guess hell came early for you, bud.

  29. Wrath said, on February 14, 2008 at 12:55 am

    deleting the contact info immediately was probably the best move. waking up after alcohol poisoning, at first having no clue what happened the night before, leaves a lot of ground to cover in explanations to others and yourself. last time i had that happen, i woke up on a pink pillow and PowerPuff Girl sheets with my pants off in a house i had never been to. turns out it was my manager’s house and it was one of her free beds. that said, what happened to you could potentially have been worse, most importantly pissing off the fiance and damaging your impending marriage. glad you’re okay, but you’re quite lucky you didn’t screw up more. enjoy your tea.

  30. Vidgmchtr said, on February 14, 2008 at 1:55 am

    Bleh, urethra swabs. Every man seems to have a spiritual link down there when it comes to pain. They get kicked down there, every other guy feels it. They get punched down there, every other guy feels it.
    Urethra swabs? After reading the sentence explaining it I was clutching on my penis for a good while as I was reading the remainder of the editorial.
    When I finished, I asked myself, “does ANY guy enjoy having something inserted into their trouser buddies?”
    And then I realized that some masochistic, sadistic dudes DO enjoy inserting things into the one-way street we call a urethra. Sounding is, in my mind, one of the worst forms of male pleasure ever thought of. >_<

  31. Anonymous said, on February 14, 2008 at 2:52 am

    Horrifying!
    I very much believe the true moral of this story is: Don’t fucking pass-out in Japan or you’re getting swabbed.
    Think on the bright side: This may have very well purged you from the snugglebunnies incident, giving birth to teleporting “breasts!” girl, the “chin!” misunderstanding and many more..

  32. razerGT said, on February 14, 2008 at 3:56 am

    As a longtime reader and member of the Georgia Tech Marching Band, I gotta say, thanks for the mention. Although the idea of us marching down your urethra is kinda…. scary? Weird? Either way, I’m looking forward to your next entry, as always.

  33. Mukund said, on February 14, 2008 at 3:57 am

    Az’s Heart: Allright then, so we’ve got no communication with either the main or battle bridge. What do we do?
    ——
    The ‘Best’ line in the post. As for the swab, Gambatte! Az.
    Btw, you did not mention what happened with the ‘talk’ between you and your fiance regarding to the whole “previously known girl”.

  34. Tuan Jim said, on February 14, 2008 at 6:19 am

    In our profession, we call it “getting rodded off the range” – the same way the drill sgt will stick a cleaning rod down your rifle as you leave the firing range to make sure there aren’t any rounds left in the chamber.
    I’ve never had need of it, but I know a couple buddies who got themselves “checked out” just in case.

  35. CF said, on February 14, 2008 at 6:45 am

    After all he’s done for you, it’s nice to see Az’s
    Penis get his [ahem] comeuppance….

  36. Anonymous said, on February 14, 2008 at 6:58 am

    jeebus, a urethra swab… ummmm, no, i think it’s best i dont think about it. I sympathise, but i hope to never ever be able to understand your pain, you poor poor bastard.
    to be honest, i expect you’d be a little concerned about your job. Getting hospitalised from alcohol poisoning at a company pissup is really not a good look. I’m not judging, i’ve disgraced myself in a similar fashion. Or is it not so much of a big deal in japan?
    anyway, nice to know you’re okay (relatively)

  37. Anonymous said, on February 14, 2008 at 6:58 am

    jeebus, a urethra swab… ummmm, no, i think it’s best i dont think about it. I sympathise, but i hope to never ever be able to understand your pain, you poor poor bastard.
    to be honest, i expect you’d be a little concerned about your job. Getting hospitalised from alcohol poisoning at a company pissup is really not a good look. I’m not judging, i’ve disgraced myself in a similar fashion. Or is it not so much of a big deal in japan?
    anyway, nice to know you’re okay (relatively)

  38. Lissou said, on February 14, 2008 at 8:11 am

    God, don’t take it the wrong way, but I’m a bit relieved. I mean, when you mentionned the pain peeing, my first thought was kidney stone. That could have meant more serious helth problems.
    I hope you feel better soon. I don’t know exactly how painful giving birth is (I haven’t done it yet), but I can say that the vagina is made for it and can stretch, plus you usually do it once at a time, while you need to pee more often.
    I can’t believe they decided to swab you like that. That really sucks.
    Good luck recovering, anyways.

  39. Anonymous said, on February 14, 2008 at 8:22 am

    >”If you aren’t willing to be honest with her or honor her feelings about ex-girlfriends then you should cancel the wedding now.”
    There are more interesting cults one can join if you’re interested in arbitrary demands to cease contact with your old friends.

  40. Anonymous said, on February 14, 2008 at 8:22 am

    >”If you aren’t willing to be honest with her or honor her feelings about ex-girlfriends then you should cancel the wedding now.”
    There are more interesting cults one can join if you’re interested in arbitrary demands to cease contact with your old friends.

  41. code monkey said, on February 14, 2008 at 8:58 am

    Urethra swab?!?!?!? OOoOohh…ouch…(wince)…brrrrr…..
    I’m glad I can’t drink so much such that I’d have no idea what’s going on around me (intoxicated yes but passing out or being a total jackass, no).
    Only tea and water? How about fruit juices? Those are ok.
    And oh yeah, your girlfriend is a real gem–a bit submissive (I think it’s an Asian thing) but assertive enough not to let your machismo take over…Don’t you ever do anything that’ll hurt her.

  42. Kairi said, on February 14, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    OMG Az, I think I pissed myself laughing.
    You’re hilarious.
    Oh, and for future reference. Don’t mix beer and sake. That’s what fucked you up. Believe me. I’ve been in that position, crawling up the stairs in my apartment because I can no longer stand, thanking all the gods that be for drunken delayed reaction because vomit is a bitch to get outta the carpet.
    It’s that whole beer before liquor thing. And sake is definitely processed as a liquor. Cheers mate, and I hope you improve soon.
    If you think a urethra swab with a nice soft cotton swab is bad, try a cervical exam with a fucking pipe cleaner. And not the chenille kind. The metal kind. Every year. You guys have it so easy.

  43. rubbav1 said, on February 14, 2008 at 5:53 pm

    Your wife can’t take a joke, dude.

  44. newtype said, on February 14, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    If such thing happened to you, an experienced drinker (I mean you usually can stay conscious with a beer or two or even a 1/16 glass of liquor), I could only imagine what’d happened to me in that situation. I’d probably won’t be able to post this comment the next day up to eternity. I am saying this since I don’t ‘drink’ much. Come to think of it, I had experience with liquor but last whole year, I NEVER drank any of those (of course if you exclude that less-than-a-bottle beer).

  45. Mr. Nobody said, on February 14, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    > Az’s Penis: God, why? Why are you so cruel and unforgiving?
    Ummm, remember that last article? 🙂
    You might want to talk with a priest about a plea bargain of some kind at this rate…

  46. Justanothermom said, on February 15, 2008 at 2:57 am

    “If you think a urethra swab with a nice soft cotton swab is bad, try a cervical exam with a” f***ing “pipe cleaner. And not the chenille kind. The metal kind. Every year. You guys have it so easy.”
    OMG Kairi! I can’t believe you even DARED to compare! A urethra swab on a man stretches a hole that was not meant to be stretched, to at least twice it’s size, and goes in a hole that was never meant to have anything enter it. Add to that the network of extra nerves a man has in that region that a woman doesn’t, and yes, I imagine it’s even worse than having a baby! What we go through for a pap smear involves a metal object being inserted, WITHOUT stretching the area to abnormal sizes, and scraping a minute tissue sample off an area that has almost no nerve endings except during pregnancy (and not many for pain even then). The pain is the equivalent of getting a scratch on your arm. There is NO WAY the two should even be THOUGHT about in a comparitive fashion!
    Az, as a Mom, and only as a Mom, I feel for you in regard to the swabbing. As someone who lost their mind while drinking, twice in my life, I so totally feel your pain. Okay, maybe not TOTALLY, but pretty darn close to it. My stories include a night of post-graduation celebrating with friends on a hillside, to the point of not even being able to carry myself down the hill, and enjoying a fruit flavored beverage while on a cruise and suddenly finding myself stupid enough to take a Dramamine because I thought I was getting seasick, not drunk. Of course, it would have helped to remember the drink had three kinds of rum…The porcelain god Ralph had me kneeling before it calling its name most of the night. Learn from your experience, young man, and never, never forget!!!!

  47. Dustin said, on February 15, 2008 at 5:52 am

    Hi Az, long time reader (as in, back when this and OP9 where still one site), first time commentor.
    It may not exactly be the same experience, but I have had a catheter in before. For those who don’t know, this is where they stick a tube down your Penis, and inflat the end of it so it doesn’t come out. Now, while it has its good reasons (Not having to get up to piss), it is a completely painful experience.
    I had to be held down while it was put in. Five people held me down during this, including my Dad (Whom I labled a traitor later on).
    Now, as painful as that was, it was even MORE painful coming out. This is because they decided to let a trainee do it, and she didn’t deflate the end before she started pulling. So, while shes pulling on it repeatidly and wondering aloud why it isn’t coming out, I am yelling in pain and shouting obscenities at her.
    I tell you, you’ve never experienced pain until someone literally tries to rip your lil’ fella’ off. Even more horrible, it stung to piss for the next week.
    Horrible situation, yes. But completely bearable, considering the alternative, which is having to get up and down to piss after major surgery.

  48. Brad said, on February 15, 2008 at 6:59 am

    Sorry you had such a rough time of it.
    Is it bad I kept waiting for a suppository punchline?

  49. Mayhem said, on February 15, 2008 at 11:46 am

    Why are the crazy shit times some of the most hilarious? Maybe that’s just human nature. But I’m really, REALLY glad I’m working from home today reading this otherwise I would have laughed the office down. It’s your skill Az to turn adversity into sheer entertainment, so I thank you enormously; you go through pain to make us all smile!
    I hope all is well with you now, having recovered. I’ve been in that situation a couple of times before, and did get carted off to hospital once for exactly the same reasons. But man I was in a far better state than you, and no swab either (just the thought is making me cringe, and very little does that!).

  50. Morilore said, on February 15, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    “There are more interesting cults one can join if you’re interested in arbitrary demands to cease contact with your old friends.”
    Don’t listen to him man, he’s stupid. You don’t have to be a slave to her whims to honor her feelings. You just talk it out until you can compromise. And if you can’t, then, well, keeping secrets is worse than arguing openly about it. As you may have found out.

  51. God said, on February 15, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    Let this be thy reminder of thine unfavorable status thou hast beneath mine eyes.

  52. Andres0082 said, on February 15, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    “This hurt was physical PAIN. Like, my urine was composed of 1000 Little Mac’s, and they were all left hook’ing their way out of my penis.”
    LOL, nice Punch Out! reference, hard to believe no one mentioned it, and as part of the collective known as the male gender, OUCH!!!
    But its nice to have you back, puke-free and ready for more

  53. Jenna said, on February 16, 2008 at 1:18 am

    Strange that Japanese businesses are open on Saturdays and everyone is a workaholic… but when it comes to hospitals they want to be at home instead…

  54. Bennie Bear said, on February 16, 2008 at 1:25 am

    I never thought I’d say this, but thank God for my vagina.

  55. Shamie said, on February 16, 2008 at 1:46 am

    And I thought getting smashed on a Wednesday was bad… What the HELL is it with me JUST learning wtf the urethra was 3 day ago and then I read a doujinshi with it and then this?! Guh my brain hurts, I hope you feel better and never relive that pain again.

  56. Jonadab the Unsightly One said, on February 16, 2008 at 2:56 am

    I know a guy who was hospitalized long-term (for a head injury sustained after falling about 200 feet; remarkably, he recovered fully, after a few months, finished high school, and went on to get a bachelor’s degree) and, upon waking up in a prescription-tranquilzer-induced groggy state, actually attempted to remove his own catheter. “Oh, what’s this tube? I don’t need this,” he thought. Yank. Ouch.
    I don’t know whether that would hurt worse than the swab, and I prefer to avoid being in a situation where I can personally compare them and offer an opinion on that.
    I’ve never experienced the effects of too much alcohol either, for that matter (and don’t mean to), but I *have* had the dry heaves (i.e., where you can’t leave off retching even though your stomach is empty and feels like it’s been turned inside out) in the course of normal sickness (the flu or whatever) and can attest that it is significantly more unpleasant than ordinary vommitting. Combined with other symptoms, such as a headache, you’ve got a nice recipe for misery even without the memory loss, not to mention the swab.
    Regarding the friend: there are two reasonable ways to handle that, but keeping it secret from your fiance isn’t one of them. Keeping up with old friends is something you absolutely should be able to do without messing up your relationship (and if not then there are serious questions about whether the relationship is a healthy one), but you have to have the cajones to be honest about it. Hiding such things from your future wife is NOT the way to build a good marriage. If you don’t want her to EVER find out about something you’re doing, that’s a very bad situation. If you know that you absolutely won’t be able to make yourself tell her about something, then don’t do it. Conversely, if you feel that the friendship is innocent and something you certainly ought to be able to maintain, then don’t hide it. Indeed, openly being in contact with your friend when your fiance happens to be present to _observe_ the innocent nature of the contact (or, if by phone, at least your side of the conversation) is one fairly straightforward way to avoid having to expend significant effort convincing her that “All we did was talk about [innocent subject], honest!” Things you try to hide always seem less innocent than things you are completely open about (unless the things you are open about are obviously not innocent at all, of course).
    (Disclaimer: I am a loner, so this advice does not come from personal experience, except in the vicarious sense. But I’ve been in a position to observe a number of long-term healthy relationships among friends and family, including numerous 60th anniversaries, so just because I haven’t maintained that kind of relationship myself doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about them.)

  57. UchuujinKaru said, on February 16, 2008 at 11:36 am

    Apparently you are meant to entertain us because that’s just hilarious! I hope I never have to deal with that kind of stuff 😛 ♥

  58. Will said, on February 16, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Sorry man, I used to be a fan, but never let yourself get wasted when there’s a girl you’re into around and you’re in a relationship. Through no credit to yourself you managed to dodge a bullet, but I gotta put you on the same level as your ex now. Cheaters, or people who don’t care if they cheat, all blow. I’m done with gaijin smash.
    Call your ex, you deserve each other.

  59. Corey said, on February 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm

    Oh dear god ouch. I’ll remember to be careful with sake. I doubt I’ll ever be much of a drinker in the first place though. Hopefully that will lead to never having to get my urethra swabbed.

  60. Sylvia said, on February 18, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    “There are more interesting cults one can join if you’re interested in arbitrary demands to cease contact with your old friends.”
    That’s an interesting justification, considering it was a response to someone who said, “be honest.”
    If that analogy holds, your friends should be ensuring that you don’t get married…

  61. Kyoki said, on February 18, 2008 at 10:35 pm

    I had a urethra swab last year… it really wasn’t that bad.

  62. Mr. Nobody said, on February 18, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=2376
    It seems that you’re not alone in your fear if you read the above story about a man describing how very, very wrong the procedure is. Elsewhere, a Google search shows that people may need “gentle persuasion” as to the necessity of the test. The part which disturbs me, though, is that the swab appears is an STD test and you don’t remember what happened.

  63. dylan said, on February 19, 2008 at 6:00 am

    Oh, gods, I’ve had one of those swabs. I didn’t suffer pain for any longer than 5 seconds, so I can only vaguely imagine the horror if actual damage had been done during it. Stay strong, and maybe carry a little spy microphone recorder with you if you might drink yourself into the black pits of hell again, so you know the real story.

  64. hispter said, on February 19, 2008 at 7:44 am

    Like other people have said, your wife is a real catch. I really hope you take some of the advice here and start getting used to being honest about most things. I’m definitely sure you’ve heard this before, but just a reminder: A good marriage IS based on trust.
    Anyways, good going on defusing the situation; at least you provided her with a proper explanation.
    Hope your little Az is doing good!

  65. chaosrainz said, on February 19, 2008 at 11:40 am

    I remember reading once about a guy who had his wife insert the tip of her mascara wand in there and it broke off!
    Can you believe the dude walked around like that for a few days before going to the Dr?
    Poor Az.
    Welcome to the evils of drink club.
    I was there recently myself. 😦

  66. G said, on February 19, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    wow, az, glad you made it through that in one piece (physically and otherwise).
    peace!

  67. Fuzzybeard said, on February 20, 2008 at 3:45 am

    owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow!!! The only that sounds like it would come close is passing a kidney stone. Never got faster service at the hospital than that time I had kidney stones and was (loudly) dry heaving in the waiting room.

  68. raye said, on February 20, 2008 at 8:11 am

    Hey Az!
    I’m a woman so I will never know how it feels to get a urethra swab, but anyways, glad that your okay and didn’t get a really serious case of alcohol poisioning. I’m sure you’ll be more careful next time.
    Just a question though if you have time, there is so much drama going on with the US elections over here (especially obama v hillary, and the pontential splitting of the democratic party) do you guys get a lot of coverage on that? Just curious.

  69. CF said, on February 21, 2008 at 5:08 am

    Actually, when I saw “Little Mac”, I started
    thinking of George McClellan from the US Civil War.
    Granted, I then had a hard time imagining that
    iron-shod idiot left-hooking a tree stump…. 🙂

  70. giant_bug said, on February 22, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    If I were your fiance, I’d be less worried about old girlfriends and more worried that you were a world class drunk who managed to stay semi-sober just long enough to get engaged.

  71. toby said, on February 23, 2008 at 12:47 am

    Ok. So what I’m going to do now is to take a deeeeep breath and scream in horrible painful Sympathy. With 5 exclamation marks.
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
    I’ve been calling for the moose in the big white telephone not long ago due to the poison that is alcohol (bailed out and went to bed before i did anything stupid, then i woke up and made the aforementioned call, i swear, I didnt know i was capable of running to the bathroom in less than 3 seconds) , but what you went through sounds like…. Well I don’t frankly know. Waking up after a real smash like that and finding out that you’ve been penaly violated. I would have checked the window and considered throwing myself out if it if the chance for survival was slim

  72. Anonymous said, on February 23, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Umm, Fuzzybeard, not to get too much into anantomy, but women have urethras. It’s just the tube through which urine travels. I’d provide a diagram, but I feel you know the area better than I.

  73. Anonymous said, on February 23, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Umm, Fuzzybeard, not to get too much into anantomy, but women have urethras. It’s just the tube through which urine travels. I’d provide a diagram, but I feel you know the area better than I.

  74. Anonymous said, on February 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Now I remember why I stopped drinking.

  75. Anonymous said, on February 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Now I remember why I stopped drinking.

  76. Kevin said, on February 24, 2008 at 2:14 am

    Urethra swabs hurt that much? Must of been a bad swabber.
    A few months ago I thought I might of been infected with an STD. So I went to a Planned Parenthood clinic since I had no health insurance. The nurse said I had 2 choices. I could pee into a cup of get swabbed. Though the pissing in a cup option was $30. A little pricey for someone who makes barely over minimum wage. So I chose the urethra swab.
    The doctor just barely stuck the q-tip down into my urethra opening. It did hurt, but it wasent bad. Anticipation was the worst part. But that is definitely a sensitive area.
    But then I had to get it again a few weeks later because I still had symptoms. So I got swabbed again. The doctor must of been laughing on the inside. My body was so tense and I started panting… And once again, she barely stuck the q-tip in and it hurt even less.
    But she did say some people go further in. That would be very bad.
    Oh and I didn’t have any STDs. I had an infection, but it was not an STD infection.

  77. feitclub said, on February 24, 2008 at 8:29 am

    It’s been a few years, but I have had a few nights where I wanted to throw up more than my body could provide material to vomit forth. It really is an incredibly awful feeling. In my case, the last time this happened my entire face turned purple for a day or two and my eyes had deep, red, bloody patches in them for damn near a week. I think mixing is the easiest way to reach this state, but it’s sure as hell not the ONLY way. Also, as a tip, if you’re feeling like you’re heading for a total crash but you’re still conscious, I recommend proactively vomiting somewhere. It will suck, but you’ll feel a lot better in the long run.
    PS: Fuzzybeard, the US Presidential Election cycle is getting decent coverage here, but it is typically restricted to primary wins. The ins and out of candidates sniping at each other doesn’t turn up in the Japanese news.

  78. Anon said, on February 25, 2008 at 2:22 am

    It probably hurt him this much because the nurse thought she would go treasure hunting.
    “Ahh a big gaijin cock, I wonder what will I find in here”

  79. Lol said, on February 25, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Fuck thats embarrassing, naked, shirt covered in disgusting shit, urethra swabbed, FUCK! top it all off having your fiance, and co workers seeing you like that.
    serves you right for not knowing when to stop 😉
    stay strong

  80. TOTATB said, on February 26, 2008 at 2:02 am

    Drinking a bottle of sake is not suicide. I downed a bottle and a half of it myself not too long ago, and that was during a night of previous heavy drinking, as well (a couple beers, a few mixed drinks, and a couple jager shots). Wasn’t even hung over the next day, though I did black out. The key is to train yourself to drink loads of water before you go to sleep, even if you’re checked out. Trust me- if you can remember to keep hydrated, you’ll never have to wake up in a hospital again, no matter how much you drink. That has probably saved my life at least 3 times.

  81. RageMode said, on February 27, 2008 at 2:12 am

    I see your Urethra Swab, and raise you a ‘Wake up drunk and handcuffed to a hospital bed, only to slip the cuffs, hop off the bed, attempt to pull out catheter, succeed in pulling out catheter, get tackeled by Burly Sheriff Man.’
    I found that out later. However, at the time it was just a drunk night, wake up in pink hospital shorts (weird) in a holding cell for one person (weirder still). Had to urinate, as is usual after a night of hard drinking. Stood over the toilet, unit in hand, let it flow and felt the absolute WORST PAIN OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I actually fell over on the spot, spraying a fine line of yellow sunshine across the wall (which only served to piss off the guards more, but to hell with them. They enjoyed my misery, I’ll piss on the wall if I damn well feel like it.)
    I’ve been through my share of extreme pain in my short time on earth. I broke my back when I was 14 snowboarding. I’ve wrecked my dirt bike repeated times that left me gimping for quite some time. I totaled my first vehicle by driving head on into a 2-ton rock. But absolutely nothing prepared me for the kind of peeing-pissed-off-pirhanas pain.
    I understand, Az. I understand.

  82. Anonymous said, on February 29, 2008 at 12:14 am

    Ironically, I had to go on vacation OUTSIDE of Japan to get that fucked up on beer and Sake. That part where you’re throwing up, but theres nothing left to throw up? That part fucking sucks.

  83. Anonymous said, on February 29, 2008 at 12:14 am

    Ironically, I had to go on vacation OUTSIDE of Japan to get that fucked up on beer and Sake. That part where you’re throwing up, but theres nothing left to throw up? That part fucking sucks.

  84. alteralias said, on March 1, 2008 at 10:10 pm

    On the upside, you now have a truly manly drinking story to tell people about.

  85. Onyx said, on March 5, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    Damn, Sake’s worst than Beer!!?!?! Ive been drink’n Sake like water everynight for the last 2 months due to me being at work for 12-15 hours a day and haveing a Sushi restaurant with’n 3 minutes walking distance..Phuck… I swear, i gotten up to the point where i can kill 3 large Sake’s in like 90 minutes and be ok.. And all this time i was thinking that its about the healthiest thing i can drink because its just “rice wine”.. Good to know i am wrong about that.

  86. Jordan said, on March 8, 2008 at 8:11 pm

    Most people who talk about Sake being mellow and mild have not had it in Japan. In Japan it’s usually not made entirely of rice but also has some very cheap ethyl alcohol and water added in the cheaper brands. In Japanese, “Sake” means “alcohol” – “Nihonshu” refers specifically to the familiar rice wine. Depending on where you are, “Sake” might also mean distilled alcohol from rice or potato. In the US, rice is much cheaper/less prized than it is in Japan, so we can get good Sake for cheap prices.

  87. drunknanpa said, on March 9, 2008 at 2:29 am

    Boy needs to take some lessons from Drunk Nanpa.
    Btw, sake is the rice wine. Shochu is the distilled crap from potato, rice, wheat, and what have you. As different as vodka and wine.

  88. Jay said, on March 11, 2008 at 6:15 pm

    Oh my god…dude…OUCH! ok, thats just nasty…although waking up without your pants has had me in stitches all day 😄
    but yes…like I say…OUCH! I can’t begin to imagine what that felt like!!! Until the day I want kids – No Glove, No Love…no matter how good looking she is!

  89. blindblindblind said, on March 20, 2008 at 11:03 pm

    As a lover of Sake I must say you have some very wrong impressions of my beloved drink. There are two types of Sake, one is very good, delicious, rarely harmful, and not that bad for you.
    It is called: tokutei meishōshu sake. Also known as “premium sake” less than %25 of sake is tokutei meishōshu. If you aren’t getting some form of tokutei meishōshu (there are six varieties total) you might as well not drink it.
    The rest of sake is called futsū-shu, this is your run of the mill sake and is roughly equivilent to the horrors of “table wine”. futsū-shu sake is the equivilent of alcoholic horse piss. It is heavily mixed with grain alcohol (of poor quality) and the sake itself is usually of equally poor quality. Avoid this at all costs!
    *insert “The More You Know” rainbow here*

  90. Dan said, on April 8, 2008 at 1:49 am

    Dude, reading about the uretha swab hurts.

  91. culinary abortions said, on May 11, 2008 at 9:53 pm

    So which of the Cindys took off your pants?!
    As a fellow Gaijin, I love your blog, btw. My favourite post is “The Octopus.” So many questions unanswered.
    ^_^

  92. Baka To The Future said, on October 22, 2008 at 8:55 am

    I had a friend who got into it once with her boyfriend…one night while he was asleep, by way of a breakup notice, she took a Q-tip, dipped it in superglue, and stuck it into his wang, then superglued said wang to his stomach.
    The guy needed surgery to get the Q-tip removed, and declined to press charges afterwards — he was that terrified of her.
    So yeah, I’ve been in that “wincing in sympathetic phantom pain” boat before.
    Just thought I’d share. ^^

  93. Gwynnie said, on March 26, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    Hmmm…. could this be the reason your boss/supervisor became so horrible to you?

  94. John said, on July 21, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    *note* Do NOT drink sake with Gin!
    I had about 20oz of sake(approx) and a half a bottle or extra dry gin. I was so drunk I had to hold onto my chair to keep from falling out of it and when I eventualy fell out of it I ended up passing out under the table waking up only once to catch my lesbian roomate eating her girlfriend before passing back out 30sec later. Somehow waking up in my bed with no idea how I got there.

  95. Pam said, on August 16, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    You think a urethra swab is bad, Az? I have a rare condition leading me to produce over 100 kidney stones in the past 10 years.
    I’ve had more than 10 uretic stents placed and all were taken out while awake. YUP. An undone metal coat hanger shoved up your piss hole, into your ureter, past the bladder and into the kidney and left there for weeks.
    Peeing is like pissing a thousand tiny shards of glass. What’s even more fun is being awake while the doctor takes some sort of plier device and high powered water gun, reaches up in your piss hole and yanks it out.
    As always, if you think something is horrific…there is always something worse.
    Anyways, I’ve been a fan since your first few posts on Outpost 9, send donations (you are welcome) but this is my first time commenting or emailing. Thanks for all the lulz!


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