Gaijin Smash

More Darndest Things

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 5, 2008

Aside from Doris, I sit across from another Chinese lady. She’s one of those women who is just blissfully ignorant of anything and everything even remotely perverted or not 100% pure of thought. It sort of amazes me – in the case of, say, Ultimate Sweetness*, it’s believable because she’s so young, so you figure she hasn’t been on this Earth long enough to be exposed to the grimy, dirty stuff. This woman though is in her 40’s/50’s though, so I have to wonder how she managed to live so long and be totally ignorant of these things. Does China lock their women up in basements, only to let them out for marriage and the occasional plastic surgery?
*Speaking of Ultimate Sweetness and perversion, among the ads that rotate on Empornium, one features a girl who, facially, looks very similar to Ultimate Sweetness. Needless to say, every time this ad comes up its more than a bit jarring. Its made especially worse by the fact that said girl is taking a large cock up her ass. …I realize the potential for gut-busting kancho-related humor here, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s wrong on every conceivable level, and every time I see that ad my dick retreats like the French, and I’m forced to click away to a website featuring the results from the latest Catholic Nun bowling tournament or something.
How innocent is this woman? Well, once around my desk, me and the guys were talking about drink toasts in the different languages. The Korean guy I sit next to, well known as the established pervert (which is an impressive feat to do in a Japanese workplace, let me tell you…) points out that in English, we “ching” our glasses together. Loyal and astute readers may remember my mistake during my schoolteacher days, when I said “ching” to a group of schoolgirls. “Chin” is the shorthand of “chin-chin” or “chinko” in Japan, which means penis. Or, cock. Or dick. Or, meat sausage. Or, tube steak. Take your pick, there’s literally hundreds of words to choose from. Anyway, most of the Japanese people in the office kind of chuckle, as the whole “toast in English is penis!” joke is kinda sorta common in Japan.


But our Chinese Small Wonder, she looks up at befuddlement at our mirth and asks to Doris next to her, “So, what is “chin”?” Doris is taken by surprise by the absurdity and suddenness of the question, so she breaks out in giggles. Seeing that Doris was going to be of no help, she looks up at us guys and repeats the question – “What is “chin”?” And we all just froze there, in one of those moments where you have no idea what to do. We all exchange glances at each other that have one solitary meaning – I’m not gonna be the one to explain to this Chinese lady what “penis” means in Japanese.
Sure, she’s not a native speaker, but it boggles my mind how anyone can live here for more than, oh, one month and not know what “chin” means. Hell, they even say it on TV! I cannot imagine living in Japan for more than a year and not being exposed to Japanese penis in some way, shape, or form. I feel that this should be the new travel disclaimer for Japan. “Japan: Enjoy our historic temples and beautiful landscapes. If you spend more than one month here, you will be exposed to Japanese penis in one way or another.” I can only assume that her husband has kept her locked up in one impressive basement.
So, all of that backstory was to get to this – we’re an online shopping website. As such, our customer service emails are publicly listed on-site. As you can imagine, this is a spam nightmare. Everyday we get hundreds of emails, mostly about how “She will always be hungry for your new big sausage!” (that’s a copy and paste spam title folks). Yes, penis enlargement emails are probably 95% of our junk email, with the other 5% being rounded out by meds, and software. It’s annoying, especially because my sausage is already big enough, thank you very much. Stop trying to sell ice to Russians.
Spam doesn’t discriminate, and these creatively-titled pork emails end up in the Chinese mailboxes as well. I was giving Doris some tips on how to quickly identify and delete them. The biggest red flag, of course, are mails with an English title in a Chinese mailbox. Doris explains that this can’t be the only parameter though. “Sometimes, we do get actual mails titled in English, so we do have to check. Although, all the junk mail has been invaluable in learning naughty English. Thanks to spam, now Small Wonder knows what “cock” means.” Doris, of course, says cock in English. Upon hearing her name next to her, Small Wonder turns to look at us, and Doris explains what she just explained to me – “You learned the meaning of cock thanks to spam email.”
Small Wonder nods, with sort of a pained look on her face. “Yeah, we really do get too much spam…” What she said next, just absolutely killed me. She turned back to her computer screen, and without even batting an eye, she said “I don’t even need a big cock.” And she said this in English! Now, I’m not entirely sure at what point I regained consciousness, but I just know that I hit the floor at some point in time after this, probably from laughing way too hard. Doris knows some basic English, but for whatever reason wasn’t quite able to get the meaning of “I don’t even need a big cock”, so she asks me, “What did Small Wonder say?” And again, I’m hit with a scenario that not even the best writers could script – I have to explain to a Chinese lady in Japanese that another Chinese lady just casually said, in English, “I don’t even need a big cock.” As you can imagine, I was on the verge of laughing myself to tears, so Small Wonder ends up explaining what she said to Doris in Chinese, who then says to me in Japanese, “Well, that is what it is, right?”
You hear that, spam-fuckers? China doesn’t need your engorged fucksticks either. If you’re going to clog up our email boxes at least do it with something useful. Include some pictures of bare breasts or something. I still won’t buy your shit but at least I’ll have fun deleting it.
***
Speaking of Doris, I believe I mentioned before that we no longer sit next to each other. I sit on the other side of the desk cluster now, opposite Small Wonder, with Doris on Small Wonder’s left. We can still see each other if we crane our necks above the computer hard drives and magazine stacks. This sometimes leads to a funny-face contest, in which I usually win. I can contort my face into all sorts of wonderful positions. Doris, however, contributes this to my big eyes. She attributes a lot to my eyes actually…
Doris: I wonder how differently you see the world. What with those big eyes of yours. How much wider must everything be? How many more lights and colors can you see? Look at these little sewer-drainage slits I have to call eyes. I bet you the world I see is ten times less darker and full of light.
After losing the funny-face contest, Doris responds by giving me the finger and saying “shit!” I don’t have the heart to tell her that this is the wrong combination. Apparently, Doris could speak English…but this was years ago and she’s since forgotten it. Sometimes, she’ll try to have a conversation in English with me, which usually goes something like “Hey man! What’s up? Are you sleepy? Are you hungry? Yes good! Ijou.” “Ijou” being Japanese for “that’s enough.” I asked how she could forget English and yet still know “shit”. “I watch the American movies on TV sometimes” she explains. And there you go – Hollywood’s foul mouth is corrupting not only the Japanese, but the Chinese as well.
One day, she asked me if I’d seen the American movie on TV the previous night starring “that really cool, really handsome actor who does action movies.” She couldn’t remember the guy’s name though, which forced me into a guessing game.
Me: Brad Pitt?
Doris: No…
Me: Matt Damon?
Doris: No…
Me: Bruce Willis?
Doris: No…
Me: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Doris: NO…
After a while (and I do mean *A WHILE*), I started to run out of “cool” action movie actors.
Me: Harrison Ford 10 years ago?
Doris: No…
Me: Chris Tucker standing next to Jackie Chan?
Doris: No…
Me: Erik Estrada?
Doris: No…
Finally, Doris looked up the TV listing for the previous night, got a name of the movie, and in turn got a name of the actor.
Doris: Him! That’s the guy!
Me: (killing a chortle) …Steven Seagal?
Doris: Yeah, Steven Seagal! Isn’t he cool?
Me: What, Mr. I’ll-Snap-Your-Neck-Take-A-Shit-And-Have-Sex-With-You-With-The-Exact-Same-Facial-Expression? Hardly.
Doris: C’mon, he’s cool! You remind me of him a little bit.
Me: …Never say that to my face again.
Doris: What, you mean Americans don’t like him?
Me: Let me put it like this. There was a movie a few years back where he was in it for all of 10 minutes and then died. …We think that’s a great movie.
Doris: (gives me the middle finger) Shit.
Again, I just don’t have the heart to tell her that this is the wrong combination.
***
One day my girlfriend and I were heading out somewhere. We were standing in the doorway, and as it was a cold day I figured I should go get some lotion. I’d been swimming at the gym before that, and combined with the cold, I didn’t want to end up being so ashy that the Japanese mistook me for Gwyneth Paltrow. I put a little lotion in my hand and went back to the door where my girlfriend was waiting for me. “What’s that?” she says, noticing I’ve got something in my hand. “Jizz”, I say without even thinking about it. Yeah yeah, There’s Something About Mary joke. The weird thing though, is that I said “jizz” in English, and my girlfriend doesn’t actually speak English.*
*I know, I should be teaching her English. I’ll get to that one day. Thanks to the wonderful world of porn, she knows all the dirty English. So she may not be able to ask for directions to the supermarket, but she can say “fuck me harder with your big black cock!” …I’m content with that.
My girlfriend’s non-English-understanding ears don’t quite pick up “jizz” however, so she asks me for confirmation on what she did hear: “Jesus?” …I have NO idea how you could possibly get “Jesus” out of “jizz”. Literally as well, if the Bible is to be believed.** Okay, whatever, I say it again: “jizz”. Again, my girlfriend’s ears don’t quite pick up on it. “Huh? Gel? Jesus Gel?”
Amazingly enough, I’d managed to keep my composure at my girlfriend’s suggestion that the gooey blob in my hand was the Son of God, but at her suggestion that it was the baby batter of the Son of God…well, that’s where I completely lost it.**
**I have long since accepted that I’m going to hell. Now, I’m just enjoying the ride.
I laughed right there in the apartment, and it didn’t stop as we went downstairs, got our bikes, and even a good 5 minutes down the road. My girlfriend, naturally, didn’t understand what was so funny, and even if I wanted to explain it to her, I was having enough trouble breathing at the moment. Speaking anything other than incoherent gibberish would have been an impossible task.
You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learned while in Japan, its that even if you think you’re facing the most extreme, bizarre situation you could possibly dream of: there will ALWAYS be a way to up the ante. While I’m trying to calm down, my girlfriend has an additional question for me…
Her: By the way, what’s “Jesus”?
You know that scene in one of the Aliens movies, where the big Alien opens its mouth, and a smaller Alien comes out? That’s approximately how my gut felt at that precise moment.
A bit of an explanation, for all those thinking “The Japanese are heathens!” at the moment. While Jesus is somewhat well-known in Japan (I’d say somewhere between Hard Gay and Hello Kitty), the pronunciation is completely different. Where we say it as “Gee-zus”, they say it as “Ii-eh-su”. This sounds remarkably similar to Ieyasu Tokugawa, the ancient ruler of Japan. Conspiracy? You make the call. …Also, this doesn’t necessarily get the Japanese off the Heathen Hook, I just wanted to clean this one point up.
Anyway, I’m absolutely flabbergasted that my girlfriend came up with “Jesus”…without even knowing what she was talking about!
Me: (almost in tears at this point) How could you possibly have come up with “Jesus” then?
Her: I dunno. That’s just what I heard.
Me: I said “jizz”, not “Jesus”! Completely different!
Her: Sorry, that’s just what I heard. So, what does “Jesus” mean?
Me: Can’t…breathe…
Her: C’mon! What’s so funny? If you don’t fess up I’m going to keep saying it. “What is Jesus?” “What is Jesus?” “Jesus Gel!”
Me: Okay…I give up…just please stop…I’m going to perish…
I finally am able to explain, and she finds it pretty funny too.
Her: Ah, I see. Jesus’s sperm. But, I guess that would be some pretty potent sauce, wouldn’t it?
And to think, what could have been a harmless conversation about lotion has now turned into the virility of Jesus’s manjuice. Is it not…beautiful?

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58 Responses

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  1. Kiryuu said, on February 5, 2008 at 5:20 am

    LOL! That was great. That made my morning as I’m going to bed now in tears…Az..You’re the best.

  2. Lissou said, on February 5, 2008 at 5:36 am

    Glad to see you back!
    Here (in France), we also say “chin-chin”, but I thought the English was “cheers”, not “ching”…
    I wonder why “Jesus” is pronounced so differently. Do you think they got it fom the Portuguese pronounciation?
    (I don’t know that the first time I heard “Jesus” in English, I had no idea what it meant. My mother, although French, swears in English because she learned her first swear words in the US. For the longest time, when she sais “Jesus Christ”, I was sure she was talking about cheese. For your information, je French pronounciation is “Jay-zu”(without the d sound and the beginning, and the “u” being the French sound English people can’t seem to make))
    Anyway, Nice to hear from you and to see fun stuff keep happening to you πŸ™‚

  3. Linkman said, on February 5, 2008 at 5:50 am

    Before this I thought you might have a chance at purgatory, Az… But now it’s straight to the locker.
    Thanks for making me laugh before you go, tho!

  4. code monkey said, on February 5, 2008 at 6:10 am

    Ha, ha…I remember that movie where Steven Seagal was in an F117 connecting to a Boeing…and not showing up for the rest of a movie. I agree that he was great in that (for the rest of the movie).
    Maybe the Japanese for “Jesus” didn’t come from its English analogue? (Roman/Latin Iesus?)

  5. McBain said, on February 5, 2008 at 6:19 am

    HE LIVES

  6. Brad said, on February 5, 2008 at 6:32 am

    It wouldn’t be nearly so hilarious if they didn’t know just enough English to get them in trouble.
    You now owe it to us to give the other side of the story. I’m sure you’ve misused Japanese sometime in a hilarious-to-native-speaker situation. Maybe someone you know as well.

  7. NightShadows said, on February 5, 2008 at 6:38 am

    OMG!!! That was hilarious! “Jesus Gel, Now Sold All Over The American South!” I am so telling this to my southern baptist bible thumping mother! LMAO!! Keep the great tales coming Az!

  8. Mayhem said, on February 5, 2008 at 6:54 am

    Welcome back Az… Jesus gel for the win! Cracking up here as usual :p

  9. CF said, on February 5, 2008 at 7:15 am

    “…I realize the potential for gut-busting kancho-
    related humor here, but I just can’t bring myself to
    do it.”
    OK, then *I* will!
    “So *that’s* what Watson’s up to these days!”
    When you get to Hell, look me up. πŸ™‚

  10. Mari said, on February 5, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    I’m so glad you’re back, Az. You’ve been missed around my house. It’s kind of sad when my husband comes home and asks, “Az update today?” and my answer is “Well, not as of thirty minutes ago but lemme go check again!”
    And some of us lame Americans still like Steven Seagal. OK, he makes totally crappy movies but I still love to watch ’em. Then again, I like to watch bad porn so I have an excuse to throw popcorn at the TV.

  11. Submish said, on February 5, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    Man it’s been a while glad to see you’re back you should check your email Az. When are you getting married again?

  12. Ryan said, on February 5, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Hahahahaha, funny shit. People think I’m retarded sitting here because I’m laughing in the middle of my college’s computer lab.. oh well.

  13. Gino said, on February 5, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    Az, I’m so glad that you are going to marry that woman. I pray that the sitcom your life is becoming continues to last.

  14. 0x15e said, on February 5, 2008 at 5:01 pm

    Oh. My. God.
    I just can’t even begin to describe how hard I’ve been laughing at this. I had to physically look away from the screen a few times to keep from completely losing my shit and STILL failed.
    *falls out of the chair, again*
    Just … wow … that’s awesome.

  15. John L said, on February 5, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    You have to stop calling her your girlfriend and start calling her your fiancΓ©e now.

  16. Xak said, on February 5, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    OMG, that was so great. Jesus Gel. And the straight tone in which I read what they’re saying… it’s beautiful. ROFL!

  17. what? said, on February 5, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    i dont get it

  18. UchuujinKaru said, on February 5, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Man, sounds like Japan is a fucking blast! I’m stoked about applying this year for JET πŸ˜€
    By the way, where do you live now and how did you/why did you get a job at that company you’re at now? Do you still teach too?
    ps – I’ve been told that my nick (UchuujinKaru) means Alien Hunter (since in English I use AlienHunt as my handle). Does that sound right?

  19. Kat said, on February 5, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    HAHA! You and your girlfriend have the greatest conversations!!

  20. Nii said, on February 5, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    Ah good to have a new editorial. But that’s not what I’m here to say…
    How in the world do most of your readers make comments? Each time I’ve come to this page (comments), if the title of the editorial is too long the URL to this page is truncated! I have to type the URL manually in. While that’s fine for me, I’m surprised there are so many other people taht manage to get in this page somehow.

  21. Calia said, on February 5, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    Man, reading these “darndest things” always makes me wonder what sort of darndest things are going to happen when I do my semester of study abroad in Kyoto in a couple of years…
    Do you know if Japanese college students are as crazy as the young’ns and the business workers? Seriously, I’m beginning to doubt my sanity for wanting to do this πŸ˜€
    Oh well. At least I have a bit of warning beforehand, in the form of great entertainment!
    PS, I didn’t get a chance to post on the last update, but congrats on the engagement!

  22. Deimos said, on February 5, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    hehe this is hilarious

  23. Patrick said, on February 5, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    That was good. I just wonder how this is going to work when she finally meets your parents. I’d get on that English teaching really quick, unless you want her telling your father to fuck her harder with his big black cock.

  24. Anonymous said, on February 5, 2008 at 11:11 pm

    Shouldn’t you have written “my fiance” instead of “my girlfriend”. Dude, one girl, rest of your life, musn’t have hit you yet.

  25. Anonymous said, on February 5, 2008 at 11:11 pm

    Shouldn’t you have written “my fiance” instead of “my girlfriend”. Dude, one girl, rest of your life, musn’t have hit you yet.

  26. Keith said, on February 5, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    lol nice!
    welcome back!
    I was wondering when an update was coming
    also, as a question from one brotha planning to visit japan…
    …how do you get your haircut there?
    i’ve always been curious about that…
    (Az’s Note: Simple answer – I don’t.
    I brought my own clippers and learned to do it myself. Although, I haven’t cut my hair in almost a year now.)

  27. Vidgmchtr said, on February 5, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    My chair has a missing wheel on one of its legs (time can do that to old things), so it can go out of balance and tilt. If I’m not careful, the leg can give away completely and make the chair tip over with me in it.
    Reading this editorial made this certain situation happen, somewhere around the “jizz/Jesus” part. I’d say these stories are some of your funniest. πŸ˜„

  28. John said, on February 6, 2008 at 12:11 am

    Thank you for the post. That was very hilarious!

  29. Nobody said, on February 6, 2008 at 12:16 am

    The reason Jesus is pronounced so differently is because they’re taking it from Greek. The English version has a long history of mangling.
    If you were to get it directly from Hebrew/Aramaic, you’d end up with Yeshua, which isn’t so different than the modern name Joshua (they’re very close).
    Instead, we first had it in Greek (Iesu), then Latin (have to add ‘us’ to the end because it’s a man’s name) Iesus. Then the letter J was invented and split off from I. That’s right, the letter J didn’t exist until much later. So we end up with Jesus. The whole process isn’t so different from how you have to butcher words to transliterate them into kana; after you have to go through enough languages, you might as well be playing telephone.
    I don’t know what route the Japanese got the name of Jesus, but it probably wasn’t from English. And [ye][shi][chisai-yu][a] would’ve been a perfectly good way to get it from Hebrew, so no idea why they didn’t do that, though you might be right that Iesu is both rather close and a famous name.
    Of course, this leads me to my final theory. Az’s fiance must have learned Jesus not as a name but as an ephitet.
    In other words, repent now, man! If you get your priest to plea bargain for you, maybe you can get a few years off purgatory for “time served” in those kancho-happy schoolrooms. It sure beats eternity with no parole!

  30. louis said, on February 6, 2008 at 12:35 am

    You know that scene in one of the Aliens movies, where the big Alien opens its mouth, and a smaller Alien comes out? That’s approximately how my _________ felt at that precise moment.
    I’m applying this everywhere possible. Lol…

  31. Newtype said, on February 6, 2008 at 1:34 am

    Well, about the way they pronounced “Jesus” as “Yesu”, I think that’s how they pronounce other names as well like “Yoshua” for “Joshua” or “Yosefu” for “Joseph”. I dunno, maybe such pronunciation is limited to biblical names?
    I think Steven Seagal is cool. Maybe because he is not as flashy as other popular actors, giving him a “humble” impression, at least to me (can’t blame you if you think I have bad taste. I seldom watch movies anyway).
    As for your GF hearing jizz as “Jesus”, maybe its because there’s a slang term for “Jesus” (as in “sh*t” or “damn”) called “jeez”. So maybe your GF has talent for understanding English, that it would easy for you to teach her (in time).

  32. The hyena said, on February 6, 2008 at 3:53 am

    plz write more, do you have any idea how many
    decent blogs are on the internet?
    There is this and there is Maddox and
    that
    is
    all.
    I saw that there is some spin-off of maddox, but
    I couldn’t enjoy reading it, the whole time I
    could only think “hard out copy cat phoney fake”
    … 😦
    ANYWAY, if you can’t give us links to other
    things to read, then keep writing, please?

  33. Wayland said, on February 6, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Listen to Angels and Airwaves because they’re awesome. Oh, and I haven’t had my hair cut in nearly 2 years now. But I’m a white dude with curly brown hair that drops in huge curls that are almost reminiscent of dreads. It’s pretty cool. Good to see a new update bro. Keep safe and sound.

  34. cactus said, on February 6, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    ahahahaah the jezuuuuz one was priceless

  35. Jenna said, on February 7, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    I always laugh out loud when reading your posts. I wish you’d post more.

  36. Corey said, on February 8, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    Haha, I remember when I made a comment in another post quite a while ago saying how you made me laugh so hard that I accidentally spit out the Cheerios I was eating onto my keyboard……..well this time it was Alphabets. Yeah, lesson learned.
    Anyways, awesome editorial, glad to see a new update at all. That whole Jesus jizz part was absolutely hysterical.

  37. Mr. Nobody said, on February 8, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    I just have to know, Az, was the following story posted by you? It was an anonymous comment to a completely different site.
    _____________________________
    I’m a frequent flyer, and fly around the world. By far, and I really mean by a far far way, the U.S. has the WORST experience you can ever have in an airport, and it’s not just the security. I’ve been stuck in Dhaka Bangladesh without being told what was going on, and didn’t feel as screwed as I sometimes feel in the U.S. (Full disclosure, I’m an American living in Japan, I might think twice about pulling off the same thing in the U.S. I did this in Japan.)
    Long story short, I got really fed up with the way they handled my carry on, and insist on going through my personal belongings. I fly out of a local airport, and I KNOW that they know me (they see me once a week) and I know them. One day when I had time to spare, I went to the airport early on, and had sweet revenge. I had a laptop in my carry on… along with 3 rather vigorous vibrators, rigged to turn on at full speed when they opened the bag. Inside the bag I also had a homosexual porno magazine, along with a few tubes of personal lubricant, condoms, and latex gloves. Apparently dildo vibrators do not show up in that exact shape on the X-Ray machine, but the motors, wires and controllers, along with the batteries, sure do.
    Security: “Can we open your bag?”
    Me: “As if I have an option?”
    Security: “Sir, this is security. We must open your bag for security purposes.”
    Me: “Like I said, I don’t have a choice now do I. Just make sure you put it all back in place.”
    The following expression of the officer, along with his mixed reactions as to what to do next, were pure Kodak moments. I really, really would have paid good money to get a copy of the surveillance camera video!! He first tried to close it and just return it to me, then he realized that he better check it out since he was the one that said it had to be done. I think he took about 0.8 seconds of a “thorough” inspection, then closed the bag. However, that wouldn’t turn the dildos off, and they were still buzzing away, quite audibly. I gave him the “turn them off. All of them.” look, and he fumbled again attempting to get all 3 turned off. Next Monday I fly out again. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do this time.
    _____________________________
    Someone posted right after that the probable answer to what they’ll do this time, too: ask you for a date πŸ™‚

  38. Rob said, on February 9, 2008 at 5:00 am

    Airforce One
    Harrison Ford says “Get the hell off my plane”
    But sadly at the wrong moment.
    Maybe a fan directors cut will fix that one day.

  39. dave said, on February 9, 2008 at 10:54 am

    you do realize everybody is now going to refresh enpornium page until an add of an asian girl taking it in the ass turns up ?

  40. RecurveHawk said, on February 10, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Jesus Gel… is that anything like Jesus Juice? πŸ˜‰
    Now you’re giving me ideas for gag gifts for some of my southern Bible-thumping colleagues, I can just imagine some kind of gift basket with a line of various “Jesus” products: Jesus Gel, Jesus Juice, Cream of Jesus soup… the list can go on and on.
    Ok, I think I’ve laughed enough to wake up my loudly snoring bf in the next room. Think I’m going to go back to studying and be a good student.
    Keep up those great stories Az, they really give me that much needed dose of laughter πŸ™‚

  41. Michelle said, on February 10, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    Asked by Kat: How in the world do most of your readers make comments? Each time I’ve come to this page (comments), if the title of the editorial is too long the URL to this page is truncated! I have to type the URL manually in. While that’s fine for me, I’m surprised there are so many other people taht manage to get in this page somehow.
    Kat- On the uppper right side of your screen where it says “Recent Entries”, if you click on the entry from there it allows you leave comments without a hassle.

  42. jennifer said, on February 11, 2008 at 4:18 am

    did you take the 1-kyuu again?

  43. Curtis Cage said, on February 12, 2008 at 10:05 am

    Az.. Get out of japan now!!!
    Grab the fiancee and get yer ass home now!
    Another brutha done messed with the child of another mutha and the japanese are ticked!
    Or start wearing a “I’m an oreo” shirt and just explain in really good japanese “I’m white inside”
    Damn man .. I hope you don’t get flack for that shit I know the japanese are racist and you being a big bracku dude you might get more attention than usual.
    Good luck bro.
    Curtis ‘Caged Penguin’ Cage

  44. Liroku said, on February 15, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    I thought the movie was “Executive Decision” rather than “Air Force One.” I’m pretty sure, ’cause I remember my brother and I watching it at some crappy $2 theatre when we were in the jr. high, and we both cheered when Seagal bit it after 10 minutes. I was worried that somehow, someway, he’d live through it, perhaps by grabbing the tail fin of the plane, punch a hole through the back, and kill everyone on board (with his acting).

  45. Jonadab the Unsightly One said, on February 16, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    John is exactly right: it’s the English version of the name “Jesus” that’s weird and mangled.
    The J comes from medieval European pronunciation shifts, in exactly the same way as the J on Joshua. Several Latin letters had significant pronunciation shifts in the middle ages. The whole U/V/W thing is probably the most infamous, and accounts for why you see “Pvblic Library” over the doors on Carnegie-sponsored buildings, among other things. J also originally stood for a different sound, probably a glide, not altogether dissimilar from consonantal Y. (The current English pronunciation for J came along later and is actually a blend.)
    The final s, as has been pointed out, is an artifact of the Latin noun case system. Incidentally, Joshua comes to English from the same Hebrew name as Jesus, via a different path. Jesus comes from the Latin transliteration of the Greek transliteration of the Hebrew name; Joshua comes from the Latin transliteration of the Hebrew name, without going through Greek.
    If I had to guess where the Japanese version came from, I’d say probably from the Greek, without going through Latin, but there might have been another Eastern language in there after the Greek, like Chinese for instance, I don’t know.
    If you leave out all the intermediate languages and go straight from Hebrew to English you would technically get something along the lines of Yehoshu’a, though that usually gets simplified to Yeshua. (Hebrew has something important in common with Japanese: the writing system, although phonetic, is not freeform like the Latin/English alphabet. You’re locked into a pattern where every syllable has one consonant followed by one vowel, though in some cases the vowel may be silent. All letters are consonants. The technical term for this is “abjad”. The vowels, when they’re written at all, are mere diacritical marks.) The last consonant in this name, ‘ayin, is a gutteral that’s considered unpronounceable in most of the Indo-European world. I’ve represented it with an apostrophe for lack of a better option.
    From “Yehoshu’a” it should be *relatively* easy to see where Joshua comes from, but for Jesus we have to look at Greek. Greek doesn’t support H except at the beginning of words, so that’s gone. I and Y are the same letter (iota, pronounced, roughly, “yota”). The gutteral ‘ayin is also not available, so that gets dropped too, and the diacritical marks on it, which includes the vowel. Thus you get Iesu, three syllables, “Eee-aye-sue”. Force that into classical Latin and roll forward a few centuries and you end up with Jesus.

  46. Jen said, on February 20, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    I’m about 99% sure that the Japanese get Ii-eh-su from the Latin, due to the very Roman Catholic version of Christianity that got (nearly) stomped out when the Shogun closed Japan.
    (To be fair, the foreigners were a helluva disturbing influence.)
    There’s an island off the western coast where a bunch of Japanese Christian exiles were sent in the 16th century, and a strange version of their beliefs has continued to exist all the way down to present day, though it’s apparently on the edge of dying out due to city-migration of the young. πŸ™‚

  47. Minstrel said, on February 26, 2008 at 6:07 am

    Clarification:
    The Japanese pronunciate Jesus in a very german way. May have something to do with them cooperating with the nazis in WWII. The adopted some stuff from their culture and language.
    Greetz
    Minstrel

  48. patrick said, on February 28, 2008 at 4:22 am

    As far as I know, ‘Iesu’ (Japanese ‘Jesus’) was originally used by Protestants while Catholics (until 40 years ago or something) used ‘Iesuzu’ (from Latin ‘Iesus’). The Japanese Orthodox still uses ‘Iisusu Harisutosu’ (from Slavonic ‘Isus Hristos’, I think) but the rest are saying ‘Iesu Kirisuto’ anyway. (There is yet another, ‘Yaso’ which is the Kanji reading also once used for Jesus though this one’s also obsolete.)
    Minstrel,
    I think not. Use of ‘Iesu’, ‘Iesuzu’ and ‘Iisusu’ predated WWII and the Nazis. The German pronunciation of Jesus is lifted from the Latin, where ‘J’ is pronounced and can be used interchangeably with ‘I’, though it’s true that a lot of Japanese words were of German origin (like arubaito from arbheit) though again, not necessarily introduced during the War.

  49. Anonymous said, on February 28, 2008 at 11:54 pm

    Az, thank you so much for this, I laughed so hard my side hurts now and I So needed it. Keep it coming!

  50. Anonymous said, on February 28, 2008 at 11:54 pm

    Az, thank you so much for this, I laughed so hard my side hurts now and I So needed it. Keep it coming!

  51. LoR said, on February 29, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    Mr. Nobody: I doubt that’s Az. He doesn’t seem to be a frequent flier. That’s expensive, you know.

  52. Secret Potato said, on March 3, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Sup asian-based brothaaaaaaaah!
    I see you got ad issues, if you use firefox (and you should if you dont) look for the addon remove it permanently. a few tweaks of the options and you can right click any ad you want away. (flash is harder, what with the different right click menu and all. you gotta try and remove the mini frame it sits in without removing the entire web page lol)
    regardless, it would help you not have to see Ultimate Sweetness whenever you have a porn craving.
    p.s. lol botblocking. smart.

  53. Bebio said, on March 24, 2008 at 10:38 am

    to FINISH the debate on the whole “iesu” thing:
    the term “iesu” meaning Jesus was introduced in Japan in 1541, when the first Westerners arrived in Japan – they were all Portuguese missionaries from the “Company of Jesus” (although one of them was Spanish, Francisco Xavier).
    Because they would often give masses in latin, and they would teach latin to some of the new converts, the word “iesus” became known to them as “Jesus”, which eventually just became “iesu” for the sake of simplicity.

  54. Sam said, on April 2, 2008 at 7:36 am

    *tries to continue breathing*
    I was laughing all through this editorial but when I got to that last line “that would have to be some pretty potent sauce” and thinking of a cute Japanese girl saying that, I just lost it. Couldn’t breath for at least a few minutes. Tears of hilarity πŸ˜„

  55. k said, on April 3, 2008 at 6:37 am

    The ‘ii-eh-su’ pronunciation sounds sort of similar to mandarin Chinese pronunciation of Jesus as well(yeh-su).

  56. Cameron said, on August 10, 2008 at 11:30 am

    Your agnosticism seems to be working out quite well for you, as now you actually reassure yourself with the certainty of Hellafter. But there’s nothing that lightens up a tragedy, natural or manufactured disaster like someone present who’s sure it’s retribution for some misconduct or stray thought.
    I wish someone like you were present through every crisis or threat to life I’ve been through to make me laugh through it by TRYING TO BARGAIN WITH THE GOD(S)! Cause that just puts into perspective what a thrill-ride it all really is. It would never occur to me to blame myself or anyone for getting caught a typhoon, but as long as you’re there volunteering penitence, I can gleefully blame you for it all: (“Dammit, get Snuzzlebunny’s deep, swelling cleavage out of your filthy mind’s eye before you kill us all! I mean it, we’re going to be fucked if you can’t stop thinking plump teen bubs pressed together inside a tight knit polo. We want to live, so mentally button up that generous flesh chasm to the throat!”)

  57. Baka To The Future said, on October 22, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Pie Iesu domine… *WHOMP* dona eis requiem… *WHOMP*

  58. Robin said, on June 27, 2009 at 12:55 am

    That same exact thing happened to me!! One of my guy friends said jizz and then my Japanese exchange student friend says, “What? What about Jesus?”


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