Gaijin Smash

A (Miserable) Christmas Tale

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on December 20, 2007

As Christmas approaches, I’m on the verge of proposing to my girlfriend. It stands to be one of the most happiest and memorable nights of my life.
Of course, not every Christmas has the happy, It’s a Wonderful Life ending.
To my fellow Gaijin who find themselves in Japan during December, or may one day be in a position to be in Japan come December, I really only have one piece of advice for you: GET THE HELL OUT. GO NOW, GO GO GO. As an American, Christmas was always my favorite time of the year. Presents aside, it was just a nice time to come together with family, and the ones that matter most.
Needless to say, Japan’s a bit different. Christmas isn’t even a real holiday, and is more or less a day for couples. However, the Japanese population that isn’t working their butts off probably goes back to their family and loved ones anwyay, and as most other Gaijin use this time as a perfect travel opportunity, Japan can be a very lonely place come Christmas time. Which is part of why I recommend not staying. The other part is that Japan has the annoying habit of repeating George Michael’s “Last Christmas”/Mariah Carey’s “All I Really Want For Christmas” approximately 15 billion times. Seriously, if you even liked these songs before (do such people actually exist?), you won’t after a winter in Japan.
So really, don’t stay in Japan during Christmas unless you have a really, really good reason to be here. This year, I can safely say I do. As I said before, it stands to be one of the best moments of my life. But once…well…it was the worst.
I’ve never really talked about my ex in detail…and I don’t know why I’m about to now. For the curious, read on.



Innocence and Waste

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on December 11, 2007

I noticed in a lot of the comments (yes, I read everything…) that many of you are concerned about my girlfriend finding out about my plans prematurely. Either she will stumble upon them, or she already knows and is just pretending that she doesn’t. Let me assure you, that is not a problem.
Yes, I have written my plans here on a public blog for all to see, but the catch is that it’s in English. My girlfriend doesn’t understand English. Well, she understands enough to properly smack me if she’s within earshot when I say “Man, look at the tits on that girl!”, but other than that, she just doesn’t speak English. “Well, she’d understand proposal”. You might say. You might be right. But you have to remember, she’d have to actively point her browser in the direction of Gaijin Smash, in order to read her boyfriend’s blog in a language she can’t understand. Sure, she could do that, but as long at the paparazzi are taking candid pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Paris Hilton, as long as Britney Spears and Linday Lohan keep fucking up in the public eye…well…let’s just say my girlfriend’s time on the internet will be otherwise preoccupied.
Internet aside, she just has no clue. This is something you’ll have to trust me on. Perhaps other people would have gotten the hint, but she hasn’t. Case in point: when I came back from the secret meeting with her mother, I also had a bag of donuts and a fuckton of Mandarin oranges with me (literally a fuckton: 1.2 on the fucktonnage scale). Why is this relevant?


Proposal Preparations

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on December 6, 2007

I suppose since I’ve sort of involved you all in the process, I might as well keep you updated on the situation. That, and with this pretty much taking control of 95% of my active thought process, I can’t really think about much else, let alone write an entry that would be worth reading.
So, as you all may know, I’m planning on proposing to my current girlfriend this Christmas. We’ve had some ups and downs, but she’s a really good girl who truly loves me. That, and she has yet to innovate any oral sex maneuvers based on sea creatures, so I figure I’m safe. Everyone who meets her says they really like her as well, so I’m trying to use that as a gauge. Everyone who met the infamous ex, absolutely hated her. Even people who only talked to her for like 30 seconds. Which makes me think that she has a nasty pair of devil horns or an aura of Pure Evil or something that only I was oblivious to. How’d that happen, anyway?
Az’s Heart: Hmm, something’s wrong.
Az’s Anxiety: Hmm, something’s wrong.
Az’s Brain: Hmm, something’s wrong.
Az’s Penis: Mmm, sweet Japanese tail.
Az’s Brain: Hey, are you paying attention down there?
Az’s Penis: Nope, and now, neither are you. ULTIMATE VETO POWER, ACTIVATE!
Az’s Brain: …Mmm, sweet Japanese tail.
Anyway, current girlfriend. Proposal. First step was the ring. And before anything else, a GIANT thank you to all donators who pitched in anything at all, to help me buy a ring. Your contributions are very greatly appreciated. Ideally, I’d like to send a thank you email or something to all who donated – realistically, I don’t have that kind of time. I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises. Just know that it’s very, very, very much appreciated.
So, back to the ring. We headed out to downtown Kyoto one day to do some shopping. I managed to negotiate some time away from her – one hour. One hour to decide on an engagement ring isn’t a whole lot of time, so I had to act quickly. I headed to one of the high-class department stores right off the bat. I found one corner with some really nice, expensive rings. My girlfriend likes simple, and I felt that these rings were simple, yet elegant.
Now, usually when you’re casually looking at rings, the sales ladies will be falling over themselves to rush over to you and try to convince you to buy one before the price tag scares you off. I of course, am still big Gaijin in Japan, so the ladies just kind of sideways-eyeballed me wondering what I could possibly want with their jewelry. I finally asked one lady (who looked like a living, breathing, Japanese barbie doll caked in makeup) about the diamond content of one of the rings.
Me: So are these pure-cut diamonds?
Her: Yes, they are. …Japanese OK?
Me: Yes, Japanese OK.
Her: Oh! Ah, I see. What kind of ring are you interested in?
Me: Well, I’m looking for an engagement ring.
Her: Oh! An engagement ring! …For your girlfriend?
Me: Yes, that’s usually who would receive an engagement ring…
Her: …Is she Japanese?
Me: …No, she’s a gorilla.* Yes, she’s Japanese.
*The truth is out – I’m going to propose to Misty. I must make that hot monkey lovin mine for the rest of my life.