Train Warrior Pt. II
I didn’t think I’d be giving the first entry the Hollywood Treatment, but there have been some new developments.
First, updates on the current players. Today, Massive Melon Tits sits on me. SITS. ON. ME.
When I get on the train, initially there are little to no seats. However, at the next stop, a significant number of people get off the train, which means I can usually grab a seat. Having taken this train for almost a year now, I can recognize exactly who is going to get up, and make it a point to stand near them. Massive Melon Tits gets on the train at the next stop…usually, all the people who got on at my stop take all the now-vacant seats, which means that Massive Melon Tits and her group have to fight over the scraps. Usually, MMT doesn’t bother to sit down, just stands by the door.
But today, as I grabbed a seat, there were two empty seats next to me (my Gaijin Perimeter at work?). MMT boards the train with a friend, and with the seats still open, they go to sit down, with MMT next to me. I guess she just miscalculated her ass-to-seat trajectory*, and landed right on me. “Sorry” she briefly says, before sliding down off me, but as the seats are now cramped, she’s still kind of riding my thigh a little bit.
Now, most vigorous young men would be quite happy to have a big-titted girl sit on their lap. Certainly, I’ve paid to go to places where women do exactly that. However, as MMT landed on me this morning, the only thing I could think was “Goddayum! This bitch is heavy!” Remember that MMT is a big girl, even by Western standards. I’m sure her mammaries alone are roughly as heavy as Gary Coleman. My thighs still hurt. It makes me wonder about my other black brethren, who love thick girls with big asses. How do you do it? I’m not speaking metaphorically, I mean, how do you have sex with her on top? I mean, I merely got squashed by a larger than average Japanese girl. Unless she wasn’t trying to just sit down, but merely torpedo her ass into the seat, which I kind of doubt unless she’s also in training for sumo, or professional wrestling. For the guys who love the girls with asses the size of a Pontiac Solstice, how do you survive a sexual romp without getting bones crushed? Maybe I’m not as black as I thought as was…
*Why are so many girls so bad at sitting down? Why would you ever sit down and NOT check where your ass is going first? How do you continually miss? Honestly, I’m just baffled. Maybe its a gender thing? Perhaps the penis acts as some sort of landing stabilizer, giving the buttcheeks a point of reference and helping to guide it to the correct landing spot?
Massive Melon Tits’s friend also gets the honor of being Magical Motor Mouth. This girl would not stop talking! She talked and talked and talked, and even when MMT got off the train, she pulled out her cell phone and continued the conversation by email! Thank GOD Steve Jobs invented the iPod, without mine I dunno what I would have done this morning. At one point I stopped my music to see if the conversation was actually anything interesting (say, for example, how much MMT wants to rub her chest across my face…) but I felt all intelligent brain cells in my body being viciously attacked by a conversation so dull and bland, even C-SPAN would refuse to air it.
I can’t help but to wonder how Massive Melon Tits and Magical Motor Mouth came to be friends. MMT speaks softly and carries a big chest, and MMM could bore Ben Stein to death with her super-bland conversations. It seems like a Japanese version of The Odd Couple, instead of two feisty old men we’ve got two young Japanese girls, and one of them has a chest that should be registered as its own prefecture. Not to mention that MMM is like a fraction of the size of MMT. MMT could literally break this woman like Ivan Drago. And don’t think I didn’t imagine THAT a few times while MMM kept blabbering on.
Another new development – the girl with the tattoo across her chest stares at me. Hardcore.
I think I mentioned that before, but never before has it been so pronounced. This could be because usually she’s standing in front of me, so its a bit difficult to discern what’s staring directly at me, and what’s just looking in my general direction. Also, I’m usually asleep on the morning train, so for the Japanese people around me, they get to have a jitto mi-houdai (or in English – “All You Can Stare”). However, this morning I was wide awake, and with Tats standing a few meters away, she had to make a conscious effort to turn her head my way to stare at me. Which, every time I looked up, I caught her doing. This wasn’t like an isolated incident or two, this was the entire train ride.
I mean, Japanese people stare at me, yes, 4+ years later I’ve come to terms with this fact. But her staring…it seems to be above and beyond the staring norm. So far, I’ve come up with two theories as to why. My first theory relates back to my idea that she might be involved with the yakuza, perhaps some sort of boss moll. I have to explain here that I have been growing my hair out lately. I usually keep it cut pretty close, in order to avoid it getting afro-big. This is usually pretty disappointing to the Japanese, who want to see an authentic afro in person and not just on TV. I fought off the “grow an afro” pleas for 4 years, but finally I just got kinda weary and stopped cutting my hair for awhile. Needless to say, it’s gotten pretty big. On days I don’t want to walk around looking like The Hair Bears, I usually apply a fuckton of gel (enough to keep an American flag from waving in a Level 5 hurricane) and slick it back. However, this gives me a look which my girlfriend describes as “Italian mafia”. My co-workers agree with her sentiment here. As my grandfather was half-Italian, I do have it in my blood. …Move over, Tony Soprano?*
*I’m a large, tall black man, now apparently with Italian mafia hair. Could I be any more intimidating? I mean, back in America people used to get nervous whenever I stood behind them at an ATM machine at night, is there any wonder that I freak Japanese people out so badly? What could I possibly do to make myself MORE intimidating? Spew pure, hot fire from my mouth? Carry the half-eaten remains of a baby between my teeth? Start barking randomly like DMX?
Anyway, if I look ganster-ish, and if this girl does have some sort of mafia connections, then maybe she’s studying my profile, trying to figure out if she’s ever seen me at one of the annual Mafia-Yakuza bake sales or if I’ve ever patronized her shop late one night after an especially difficult hit. My other theory for the constant staring is much more simple – she’s awed by a black man, and the possibility of gigantic negro penis. If that’s the case, then the solution is easy enough – a simple game of “I’ll show you mine you show me yours.” I can show her my ebony divining rod, she shows me her tattooed A-cup chest, we get in a round of angry gangster sex, and then my curiosity about her tattoo is satisfied, and I can sit on the train without her visually boring holes in my head every morning. Everybody wins.
Here comes a new challenger – there is actually another member of the Collective who has Massive Melon Tits. I didn’t mention her before because she’s shorter, fatter, and generally unattractive.* Sometimes, I still catch myself staring though, which shows you just how deprived I am of the ample boobage here. This girl usually spends her mornings either reading a book, or playing something on a Nintendo DS.
*This goes back to my theory that Japanese girls are RPG characters. …Did I ever explain that one? If I didn’t, it’s thus – Japanese girls have 10 attribute points, which can be divided up across face, tits, and ass/legs. Which means that they can divide their points up evenly and be thoroughly average, or stack one area at the expense of the other two.
Anyway, Massive Melon Tits The Second is standing next to me today playing her DS. As I’m sitting down, more than the ample chest, the most noticeable thing about her today is her feet. I can’t help but to notice her shoes – she’s wearing a pair of shoes that I can only describe as the shoes Piccolo wears in Dragonball.
I’m really not kidding, those are actually the shoes she was wearing, right down to the color. Where the hell does this girl go shopping, Kame Sennin’s House of Style? I should be a little easier on her though, with those massive mammaries it is entirely she’s never even seen her feet. Perhaps some rambunctious schoolchildren one day ran under her breasts and decided to take away her nice pair of designer pumps and replace them with some Piccolo booties. You just never know.
If it had been a DBZ game that she’d been playing on the DS…I simply would have died of laughter.
I saw a sign for a school that read “Osaka Kun-ei Girls School”. My twisted and perverted mind warped that into “Osaka Kun-ni Girls School”. I imagine a few of you are already snickering, but for those lacking in a dirty Japanese vocabulary, I’ll explain – “kun-ni” is the Japanese word for performing oral sex on a woman. And now I’ve taught you another naughty Japanese word. …While this is my dirty imagination, I’m sure a porn with that title/theme exists somewhere out there.
Japan should have a kun-ni school though. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone to do the deed only to have a Japanese girl be like “Hey, what are you doing down there? Why? No!” My very limited research findings have found that spelunking is just not something Japanese guys like to do. So with women used to never getting it, should an intrepid explorer decide to go fishing, she’s just not prepared for it. Which is why I feel a kun-ni school would be of great use. Perhaps we can go recruit some of those out-of-work NOVA teachers as instructors. It’s a wee-bit different from English, but I have no doubt they’ll adapt and be conducting stimulating and invigorating classes in no time.
Taking a closer look at the poster though, I realized that it was for the Osaka Kun-ei Girls Junior High School. …Never before have I felt so dirty and wrong in my life.
The train I ride into work everyday is called the Hankyu. Hankyu sponsors an all-lesbian revue in Kobe called Takarazuka. …Okay, officially it’s not all-lesbian, but it is all-female and it looks pretty lesbian. Also, from what I’ve heard, its primarily popular with (guess who?) lesbians, which is why I consider it the all-lesbian revue.
Not that I have a problem with lesbians, not at all. I happen to like your porn very much. It’s just that images like this kinda disturb me a little.
See? How can you look at that and think of anything other than handsomely dressed Japanese lesbians imitating 1950’s America? I shouldn’t even have to explain what’s wrong with this picture. Images like these are what will fuel my nightmares for the rest of my life.
Since Hankyu is the sponsor, in an effort to promote the theater, sometimes the advertisements in an entire train car will be nothing but these posters. And every time I see one that I think is the worst thing in the world ever, much like 2girls1cup*, they manage to up the ante.
*Do NOT Google that. Seriously. I’m not joking, that’s my actual, heartfelt warning – don’t do it.**
**If you don’t listen to me, at least watch some of the reaction vids on Youtube first to get an idea of what horrors you will be inflicting upon yourself.
My favorite Takarazuka poster is still the Neo Dandyism one.
This is so wrong on every level imaginable, it just wins.
I think I should sleep on the train more.
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