Gaijin Smash

Train Warrior Pt. II

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on November 20, 2007

I didn’t think I’d be giving the first entry the Hollywood Treatment, but there have been some new developments.
First, updates on the current players. Today, Massive Melon Tits sits on me. SITS. ON. ME.
When I get on the train, initially there are little to no seats. However, at the next stop, a significant number of people get off the train, which means I can usually grab a seat. Having taken this train for almost a year now, I can recognize exactly who is going to get up, and make it a point to stand near them. Massive Melon Tits gets on the train at the next stop…usually, all the people who got on at my stop take all the now-vacant seats, which means that Massive Melon Tits and her group have to fight over the scraps. Usually, MMT doesn’t bother to sit down, just stands by the door.
But today, as I grabbed a seat, there were two empty seats next to me (my Gaijin Perimeter at work?). MMT boards the train with a friend, and with the seats still open, they go to sit down, with MMT next to me. I guess she just miscalculated her ass-to-seat trajectory*, and landed right on me. “Sorry” she briefly says, before sliding down off me, but as the seats are now cramped, she’s still kind of riding my thigh a little bit.
Now, most vigorous young men would be quite happy to have a big-titted girl sit on their lap. Certainly, I’ve paid to go to places where women do exactly that. However, as MMT landed on me this morning, the only thing I could think was “Goddayum! This bitch is heavy!” Remember that MMT is a big girl, even by Western standards. I’m sure her mammaries alone are roughly as heavy as Gary Coleman. My thighs still hurt. It makes me wonder about my other black brethren, who love thick girls with big asses. How do you do it? I’m not speaking metaphorically, I mean, how do you have sex with her on top? I mean, I merely got squashed by a larger than average Japanese girl. Unless she wasn’t trying to just sit down, but merely torpedo her ass into the seat, which I kind of doubt unless she’s also in training for sumo, or professional wrestling. For the guys who love the girls with asses the size of a Pontiac Solstice, how do you survive a sexual romp without getting bones crushed? Maybe I’m not as black as I thought as was…
*Why are so many girls so bad at sitting down? Why would you ever sit down and NOT check where your ass is going first? How do you continually miss? Honestly, I’m just baffled. Maybe its a gender thing? Perhaps the penis acts as some sort of landing stabilizer, giving the buttcheeks a point of reference and helping to guide it to the correct landing spot?
Massive Melon Tits’s friend also gets the honor of being Magical Motor Mouth. This girl would not stop talking! She talked and talked and talked, and even when MMT got off the train, she pulled out her cell phone and continued the conversation by email! Thank GOD Steve Jobs invented the iPod, without mine I dunno what I would have done this morning. At one point I stopped my music to see if the conversation was actually anything interesting (say, for example, how much MMT wants to rub her chest across my face…) but I felt all intelligent brain cells in my body being viciously attacked by a conversation so dull and bland, even C-SPAN would refuse to air it.
I can’t help but to wonder how Massive Melon Tits and Magical Motor Mouth came to be friends. MMT speaks softly and carries a big chest, and MMM could bore Ben Stein to death with her super-bland conversations. It seems like a Japanese version of The Odd Couple, instead of two feisty old men we’ve got two young Japanese girls, and one of them has a chest that should be registered as its own prefecture. Not to mention that MMM is like a fraction of the size of MMT. MMT could literally break this woman like Ivan Drago. And don’t think I didn’t imagine THAT a few times while MMM kept blabbering on.


Another new development – the girl with the tattoo across her chest stares at me. Hardcore.
I think I mentioned that before, but never before has it been so pronounced. This could be because usually she’s standing in front of me, so its a bit difficult to discern what’s staring directly at me, and what’s just looking in my general direction. Also, I’m usually asleep on the morning train, so for the Japanese people around me, they get to have a jitto mi-houdai (or in English – “All You Can Stare”). However, this morning I was wide awake, and with Tats standing a few meters away, she had to make a conscious effort to turn her head my way to stare at me. Which, every time I looked up, I caught her doing. This wasn’t like an isolated incident or two, this was the entire train ride.
I mean, Japanese people stare at me, yes, 4+ years later I’ve come to terms with this fact. But her staring…it seems to be above and beyond the staring norm. So far, I’ve come up with two theories as to why. My first theory relates back to my idea that she might be involved with the yakuza, perhaps some sort of boss moll. I have to explain here that I have been growing my hair out lately. I usually keep it cut pretty close, in order to avoid it getting afro-big. This is usually pretty disappointing to the Japanese, who want to see an authentic afro in person and not just on TV. I fought off the “grow an afro” pleas for 4 years, but finally I just got kinda weary and stopped cutting my hair for awhile. Needless to say, it’s gotten pretty big. On days I don’t want to walk around looking like The Hair Bears, I usually apply a fuckton of gel (enough to keep an American flag from waving in a Level 5 hurricane) and slick it back. However, this gives me a look which my girlfriend describes as “Italian mafia”. My co-workers agree with her sentiment here. As my grandfather was half-Italian, I do have it in my blood. …Move over, Tony Soprano?*
*I’m a large, tall black man, now apparently with Italian mafia hair. Could I be any more intimidating? I mean, back in America people used to get nervous whenever I stood behind them at an ATM machine at night, is there any wonder that I freak Japanese people out so badly? What could I possibly do to make myself MORE intimidating? Spew pure, hot fire from my mouth? Carry the half-eaten remains of a baby between my teeth? Start barking randomly like DMX?
Anyway, if I look ganster-ish, and if this girl does have some sort of mafia connections, then maybe she’s studying my profile, trying to figure out if she’s ever seen me at one of the annual Mafia-Yakuza bake sales or if I’ve ever patronized her shop late one night after an especially difficult hit. My other theory for the constant staring is much more simple – she’s awed by a black man, and the possibility of gigantic negro penis. If that’s the case, then the solution is easy enough – a simple game of “I’ll show you mine you show me yours.” I can show her my ebony divining rod, she shows me her tattooed A-cup chest, we get in a round of angry gangster sex, and then my curiosity about her tattoo is satisfied, and I can sit on the train without her visually boring holes in my head every morning. Everybody wins.
***
Here comes a new challenger – there is actually another member of the Collective who has Massive Melon Tits. I didn’t mention her before because she’s shorter, fatter, and generally unattractive.* Sometimes, I still catch myself staring though, which shows you just how deprived I am of the ample boobage here. This girl usually spends her mornings either reading a book, or playing something on a Nintendo DS.
*This goes back to my theory that Japanese girls are RPG characters. …Did I ever explain that one? If I didn’t, it’s thus – Japanese girls have 10 attribute points, which can be divided up across face, tits, and ass/legs. Which means that they can divide their points up evenly and be thoroughly average, or stack one area at the expense of the other two.
Anyway, Massive Melon Tits The Second is standing next to me today playing her DS. As I’m sitting down, more than the ample chest, the most noticeable thing about her today is her feet. I can’t help but to notice her shoes – she’s wearing a pair of shoes that I can only describe as the shoes Piccolo wears in Dragonball.

I’m really not kidding, those are actually the shoes she was wearing, right down to the color. Where the hell does this girl go shopping, Kame Sennin’s House of Style? I should be a little easier on her though, with those massive mammaries it is entirely she’s never even seen her feet. Perhaps some rambunctious schoolchildren one day ran under her breasts and decided to take away her nice pair of designer pumps and replace them with some Piccolo booties. You just never know.
If it had been a DBZ game that she’d been playing on the DS…I simply would have died of laughter.
***
I saw a sign for a school that read “Osaka Kun-ei Girls School”. My twisted and perverted mind warped that into “Osaka Kun-ni Girls School”. I imagine a few of you are already snickering, but for those lacking in a dirty Japanese vocabulary, I’ll explain – “kun-ni” is the Japanese word for performing oral sex on a woman. And now I’ve taught you another naughty Japanese word. …While this is my dirty imagination, I’m sure a porn with that title/theme exists somewhere out there.
Japan should have a kun-ni school though. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone to do the deed only to have a Japanese girl be like “Hey, what are you doing down there? Why? No!” My very limited research findings have found that spelunking is just not something Japanese guys like to do. So with women used to never getting it, should an intrepid explorer decide to go fishing, she’s just not prepared for it. Which is why I feel a kun-ni school would be of great use. Perhaps we can go recruit some of those out-of-work NOVA teachers as instructors. It’s a wee-bit different from English, but I have no doubt they’ll adapt and be conducting stimulating and invigorating classes in no time.
Taking a closer look at the poster though, I realized that it was for the Osaka Kun-ei Girls Junior High School. …Never before have I felt so dirty and wrong in my life.
***
The train I ride into work everyday is called the Hankyu. Hankyu sponsors an all-lesbian revue in Kobe called Takarazuka. …Okay, officially it’s not all-lesbian, but it is all-female and it looks pretty lesbian. Also, from what I’ve heard, its primarily popular with (guess who?) lesbians, which is why I consider it the all-lesbian revue.
Not that I have a problem with lesbians, not at all. I happen to like your porn very much. It’s just that images like this kinda disturb me a little.

See? How can you look at that and think of anything other than handsomely dressed Japanese lesbians imitating 1950’s America? I shouldn’t even have to explain what’s wrong with this picture. Images like these are what will fuel my nightmares for the rest of my life.
Since Hankyu is the sponsor, in an effort to promote the theater, sometimes the advertisements in an entire train car will be nothing but these posters. And every time I see one that I think is the worst thing in the world ever, much like 2girls1cup*, they manage to up the ante.
*Do NOT Google that. Seriously. I’m not joking, that’s my actual, heartfelt warning – don’t do it.**
**If you don’t listen to me, at least watch some of the reaction vids on Youtube first to get an idea of what horrors you will be inflicting upon yourself.
My favorite Takarazuka poster is still the Neo Dandyism one.

This is so wrong on every level imaginable, it just wins.
I think I should sleep on the train more.
———————————————————————–
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82 Responses

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  1. Tarak said, on November 20, 2007 at 3:21 am

    wow… you should replace that picture with this one, nao!!

  2. Sekani said, on November 20, 2007 at 4:31 am

    Are those actual people in that first ad or mannequins? Seriously, they look plastic.

  3. Shamie said, on November 20, 2007 at 5:21 am

    … Japanese girl crossdressing as a Chinese Michael Jackson with a Geisha? I see nothing wrong here???? I should add, your blog was over 9000 times geekier than usual with the DBZ reference. Kun-ni, eh? Well, I do believe that’s a new words to ask the students in the class I volunteer for. I’ve already gone over “pantsu o misete!” with the girls (and “pantsu o misetara” for when they knock on my dorm door), this time I’ll ask the boys what “kun-ni” means. Fun fun fun. Oh, by the way, happy early Turkey day πŸ˜‰

  4. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 5:50 am

    Yeah, you must know that some of us absolutely had to find out what 2girls1cup was. You know that your warnings would be fruitless. Yet still, you brought this heaping gooey brown loaf of joy to us.
    After watching this, I must thank you for reinforcing my homosexuality. I never in my life was more pulled to the other side of the Kindsy Scale since when my foster mother raped me.

  5. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 5:50 am

    Yeah, you must know that some of us absolutely had to find out what 2girls1cup was. You know that your warnings would be fruitless. Yet still, you brought this heaping gooey brown loaf of joy to us.
    After watching this, I must thank you for reinforcing my homosexuality. I never in my life was more pulled to the other side of the Kindsy Scale since when my foster mother raped me.

  6. Lissou said, on November 20, 2007 at 6:56 am

    I wonder if kun-ni comes from the French (or any latin language for that matter, possibly Portuguese). Is it written in katakana? Could be short for “cunnilingus”, which, well, means oral sex on a woman. in france we just call it “cuni” for short, so you’ll understand why I made the link.
    (Az’s Note: You are correct.)

  7. Rob said, on November 20, 2007 at 7:20 am

    Personally, I think the Takarazuka posters advertising “Miroirs” (whatever the hell that means, it’s probably just someone’s awful spelling) which have turned up on the Osaka Monorail (not owned by the evil hankyu empire, but runs close enough to Takarazuka itself to count) this month are the scariest, can’t find the actual poster as an individual image, but the site here http://kageki.hankyu.co.jp/revue/53/special/index.html has it.
    It was worse last month. The walls of the train had those adverts, and the ones hanging from the ceiling were advertising that you can now watch the Takarazuka troupe’s show when flying All Nippon Airways. Takarazuka literally shoved in my face, given the height of the adverts.

  8. Travis said, on November 20, 2007 at 7:23 am

    That’s a fuckton of makeup.

  9. Gordon said, on November 20, 2007 at 7:34 am

    I think it’s 4 people and 3 mirrors.

  10. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 8:16 am

    Maybe MMT just wanted to get close to you? I mean where I come from girls have excellent butt aiming skills and always put their hinies right where they want to. If that spot should happen to be your lap I say go with it. But you have a girlfriend so as a fellow member of the Good Guy Brigade there’s absolutely nothing you can do.
    Ever noticed that when you’re in a relationship, especially if it’s getting kinda serious, you always get more female attention than when you’re single? It’s just not fair.

  11. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 8:16 am

    Maybe MMT just wanted to get close to you? I mean where I come from girls have excellent butt aiming skills and always put their hinies right where they want to. If that spot should happen to be your lap I say go with it. But you have a girlfriend so as a fellow member of the Good Guy Brigade there’s absolutely nothing you can do.
    Ever noticed that when you’re in a relationship, especially if it’s getting kinda serious, you always get more female attention than when you’re single? It’s just not fair.

  12. Paasky said, on November 20, 2007 at 8:43 am

    “Japan should have a kun-ni school though.”
    As a matter of fact…
    A friend of mine sent me this 13.5meg almost 2min videoclip of a Japanese TV-Show, which apparently has 100 women, a few guys, and then the women compete in various acts of… gratification πŸ˜‰

    No idea what that says, maybe you guys can tell me? I can also upload the entire clip if there is interest.
    (Az’s Note: Not a real TV show, it’s a porn…)

  13. Adam said, on November 20, 2007 at 8:52 am

    Against your advice, i watched 2girls1cup – and it was pretty bad…but i dont think i’ll be that scarred considering i’ve seen things like tubgirl before.
    Check out 2girls1finger if you want to see the Japanese version of 2girls1cup ^_^

  14. moe said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:30 am

    man if a big black guy gets that much gaijin perimeter, what would happen if i, a 5’11” arabian with a beard, get? also… the girl(in the red dress) in the lesbian movie doesnt look that bad. and if i knew where to get piccolo shoes i would so buy me a pair b/c im a die hard fan of piccolo i mean i wouldnt wear them in public but still wear them in the house like slippers or something.

  15. Eva said, on November 20, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    just broke into hysterical laughter after reading the rpg reference and imagining a japanese girl who has earned enough Kharmapoints to level up, and after a lucky roll of the destiny dice suddenly feels her bra getting way too tight…
    what was that about nerdiness?

  16. Coma said, on November 20, 2007 at 1:02 pm

    @ Sekani: It seems that at least the ‘male’ (well, what should be male if they were male and female in that pic) is the same face all around, and the closest ones’ eyes are drawn.

  17. Gorm said, on November 20, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    people havent seen 2girls1cup?

  18. Gino said, on November 20, 2007 at 1:51 pm

    Az, you should probably make member cards for those in your train possee and pass them out, typed out in English of course. See if maybe you can actually start your own little gang of train Avengers.
    P.S.
    Can you take a picture of yakuza girl with the tattoo? All this talk about that tattoo makes me want to see what she lookes like more and more. You don’t want to know where my imagination has been.

  19. Matt said, on November 20, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    Dude, I can explain the fascination with fros on big black guys – Enter the Dragon. I live in Memphis and on the extremely rare occasions I’ve seen big black dudes sporting fros, I think an awesome kung fu fight is about to break out. I blame it on seeing Black Belt Jones kick ass. He did rule, though.

    (You could also blame Sho’Nuff from The Last Dragon, but BB Jones was the tits in my opinion)

  20. ruisu said, on November 20, 2007 at 3:34 pm

    My reading of fuckton sounded like proton. So you inadvertently invented a new particle. The biggest particle ever? Yes, actually! Anyway, lot’s of new vocab in my lexicon after this. Thanks kun-ni licker!

  21. Karl Speer said, on November 20, 2007 at 4:08 pm

    OH GOD. I GOOGLED IT. WHY, WHY DID I NOT LISTEN TO YOU AZ-SENSEI?!!? WHY!!?!?

  22. anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 4:43 pm

    hay, just wanted to comment, since you didnt give too adequate a warning in my opinion, at least if people read comments the 2girls1cup can be better prepared for. yeah its fun, tit sucking, till one girl takes a dump in a glass the size of a healthy high fiber diet.
    the negro gaijin is totally right guys, dont fuckin watch it.
    also, ATM stands for automated teller machine. dont have to add a machine after ATM. just wanted to add that ^_^ IPPAI OPPAI! BANZAII!!!!!

  23. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 5:13 pm

    “”Taking a closer look at the poster though, I realized that it was for the Osaka Kun-ei Girls Junior High School. …Never before have I felt so dirty and wrong in my life.””
    Funny, but it seems you have a history of such thoughts and actions.
    what of your escapades with Snuzzlebunnies or Stroky? These previous incidents may well be held against you in court as proof of your continued dirty thoughts…

  24. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 5:13 pm

    “”Taking a closer look at the poster though, I realized that it was for the Osaka Kun-ei Girls Junior High School. …Never before have I felt so dirty and wrong in my life.””
    Funny, but it seems you have a history of such thoughts and actions.
    what of your escapades with Snuzzlebunnies or Stroky? These previous incidents may well be held against you in court as proof of your continued dirty thoughts…

  25. Zarathustra said, on November 20, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    I haven’t really enjoyed your latest editorials as much as I used to do. But this was the best one in a long time. And I’ll try to send over a small donation when my own pay-check arrives. ^^

  26. Kyle E said, on November 20, 2007 at 8:46 pm

    2 girls one cup >.<

  27. Aaron said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:17 pm

    Oh God, it’s my fault, isn’t it, Az? I was the one who asked you if you’d ever heard of that 2 girls 1 cup thing. Though I’ve heard friends talk of it and I mentioned it in one of your previous posts, I’ve never been inclined to see it.
    …sorry I made you curious. ~_~
    (Az’s Note: Yep, it is your fault.
    Though I suppose I would have found it eventually.)

  28. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:43 pm

    Could the popularity of Takarazuka at all be that Japanese Men are so chauvinist that, to represent an ideal man, they need to get someone who’s not a man to do it? That there might be something even the slightest bit subtle about the manipulations of gender Zuka does that make it so appealing to a wide base of women in Japan? That the women who love Takarazuka, while containing a minority of avowed lesbians, mostly consists of straight women who appreciate the male characters for their maleness?
    No, of course not. It’s much easier to just say they’re a bunch of dykes and marginalize them and go back to starting at women’s tits on the train. You, sir, are the most cowardly and ignorant form of sexist. You also suck at checking your facts beforehand.
    (Az’s Note: You, ma’am, fail at not taking things too seriously.)

  29. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:43 pm

    Could the popularity of Takarazuka at all be that Japanese Men are so chauvinist that, to represent an ideal man, they need to get someone who’s not a man to do it? That there might be something even the slightest bit subtle about the manipulations of gender Zuka does that make it so appealing to a wide base of women in Japan? That the women who love Takarazuka, while containing a minority of avowed lesbians, mostly consists of straight women who appreciate the male characters for their maleness?
    No, of course not. It’s much easier to just say they’re a bunch of dykes and marginalize them and go back to starting at women’s tits on the train. You, sir, are the most cowardly and ignorant form of sexist. You also suck at checking your facts beforehand.
    (Az’s Note: You, ma’am, fail at not taking things too seriously.)

  30. Kat said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:49 pm

    The ass-trajectory comment made me laugh quite a bit. My mother has awful aim to sit down. But my brother gets it from her, I think. He nearly sat straight down on our cat.

  31. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    2girls1cup is not the worst. By far, BME pain Olympics is the most painful video on the internet. Watch it if you dare.

  32. Anonymous said, on November 20, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    2girls1cup is not the worst. By far, BME pain Olympics is the most painful video on the internet. Watch it if you dare.

  33. Wayland said, on November 20, 2007 at 10:14 pm

    Isn’t this two scat references in 2 weeks? Dude…stay away from it. A buddy today was still trying to convince me watch 2G’s1C and then he mentioned 2G’s1F. I refuse to watch either because, well, it’s disgusting and doesn’t make sense.

  34. Zackarotto said, on November 21, 2007 at 1:19 am

    I recall you saying you had some dragon tattoo. You have to cover it up at the public bath, right? I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned it in these train pieces. You should show it to her. Get upons that tattooed girl.
    I could stomach 2girls1cup fairly easily. I just pretended it was ice cream, which might have helped. There’s a film called Scat Swapping School Swallow (mostly known as SWAP.avi) which is definitely worse. There’s a work-safe review and origin story here if you’re curious:
    http://www.somethingawful.com/d/horrors-of-porn/horrible-saga-swapavi.php
    Also, funny note, you’re connected by six degrees to the production of SWAP.avi. You’re with Rudius Media, which is run by Tucker Max, who is good friends with Maddox, who used to be in some feud with Lowtax (but they’re cool now), who runs Something Awful, some of whose members commissioned this very abomination of a film.
    Just something to think about.

  35. Shinkada said, on November 21, 2007 at 3:16 am

    “Here comes a new challenger”
    That’s the first time I’ve ever caught you doin it rong. C’mon, Az, get with the program!

  36. CF said, on November 21, 2007 at 7:20 am

    Wouldn’t a “Osaka Kun-ei Girls Junior High School” be a place where one would find Lolita Lesbians
    Confined…?
    (Just to hammer home those feelings of dirtiness,
    you know…. >:) )

  37. Julia said, on November 21, 2007 at 11:10 am

    Ah, the drama, Az. Hey, good luck popping the question, get her something nice.

  38. Gomez said, on November 21, 2007 at 1:11 pm

    So I didn’t google 2girls1cup, but I did get the definition of it from Urban Dictionary and looked at some of the reaction videos on YouTube. So now I know what went on without actually having to SEE it…
    Also I’m pretty sure going down on a girl is something unheard of in most of Asia. When I first tried to go down on my wife, (who is filipina by the way) she freaked and wanted to know what the fuck it was I was doing. I should also mention here that I was not her first partner…

  39. Nils said, on November 21, 2007 at 2:42 pm

    The fact that kun-ni isn’t very popular in Asia might be related to the fact that pubic shaving isn’t popular, either.

  40. asdf said, on November 21, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    cunni is short for cunnilingus

  41. Peter said, on November 21, 2007 at 11:11 pm

    In the Persian language, kunni means homosexual, so the moment I read “Osaka Kun-ni Girls School” I think I quite literally had the very dirty minded moment you did — without your explanation of the japanese meaning of the word.
    I suppose this just shows that twisted minded individuals feed off each others company.

  42. Corey said, on November 22, 2007 at 12:52 am

    Oh man, you just made me learn the hard way to never eat Cheerios while reading your editorials. Seriously, there’s half-chewed Cheerios everywhere now. I just took a moment after I typed the word “just” (the first one) to dig some out of my keyboard.
    And I’ll be sure to never look up 2girls1cup. I will probably look up the reaction videos though. Just like goatse, yes, I am the last human in existence that has controlled their curiosity and not looked up goatse. As well as Rubber Johny, which by what my sister and her boyfriend say about this, will probably force me to never sleep again and eventually go insane. This thing sounds creepy as hell. I only pray I never see any of these things (a long with others) but in the end, I’m sure they’ll end up in front of my eyes somehow.
    I believe it will scare me that much since even the little robot in the awesome Daft Punk (which I’m listening to “One More Time” at this very moment) song Technologic gave me the creeps and had me looking over my shoulder many, many, many times before I went to bed.
    You can look it up if you feel the need but it sounds really screwed up to me so unless you have a weak heart for stuff like that, I would advise that you probably don’t (if you haven’t already seen him already). And also, it’s not scat or anything, just a screwed up…..human….thing.
    Anyways, this ended up way too long but good luck with the money troubles. I really hope everything turns out well.

  43. Journ-O-LST-3 said, on November 22, 2007 at 12:58 am

    I get nervous when people stand behind me at the ATM. Day, night, whenever, I’m holding my precious cash and turning my back to complete strangers.

  44. sgtjon117 said, on November 22, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    Az, could you please post a pic of your new super Az-fro? I’m sure many of us readers would love to see it.

  45. Lia said, on November 22, 2007 at 9:46 pm

    About the video 2girls1cup, Az I am proud to tell you that I listened to you, I didn’t watch it. Instead of that, I watched people’s reactions and it was really funny.
    For those who prefer laughs to some disgusting images :


  46. Cerem said, on November 23, 2007 at 3:09 am

    Been a longtime reader.
    Just have to say…
    2girls1cup isn’t too bad.

  47. praeclaris said, on November 23, 2007 at 3:39 am

    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/world/asia/20japan.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin
    That’s a bit interesting, ever seen it on the streets? Or is the New York times just fucking with all of us?
    Anyhow, the butt to face trajectory thing has happened to me once in China, except it was overweight granny ass in my face. Yuuup. That was not a cool day.

  48. nemuri said, on November 23, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    hey, my girlfriend DREAMT of entering Takarazuka ! but her parents wouldn’t let her.

  49. Kacie Landrum said, on November 23, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    I’ve watched the last half of a Takarazuka musical, and it was really good. They had great voices. Strange voices, true, because HOW IN THE WORLD was that woman singing bass, but really well done. There’s a Takarazuka theater about an hour from my house and I’d love to go see them if the tickets weren’t insanely expensive.

  50. Alex said, on November 26, 2007 at 3:04 am

    in lieu of watching the 2girls1cup video I looked it up on wikipedia. The most relevant result was “Shock site,” I decided against looking further.

  51. Ixchel said, on November 26, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    Dude! My Japanese exchange student (who’s staying with us until March) HAS THE EXACT SAME SHOES AS PICCOLO TOO!!!! That’s the weirdest coincidence ever! I’ve been wondering why those shoes creeped me out, and now I finally understand why!
    As for 2girls1cup…
    Kat’s right. I’ve seen 2girls1cup, and BME pain Olympics can make 2girls1cup cry out of its ass. Ish. I’m a GIRL, and BME pain olympics made even me want to cringe in horror. Check it out! ^_^

  52. Saira said, on November 28, 2007 at 1:23 am

    …. My friend made me watch tub girl. So. … I can imagine what 2girls1cup is. I am not going through that again T_T
    I did watch the reaction videos though. It must be really terrible! Gah, I’m so happy I didn’t see it..
    Those were women? I saw an advertisement of it in a magazine and I thought that it was a very … er… ‘feminine’ man. Good to know πŸ™‚ I learn something new from you every day, Az πŸ™‚

  53. Jason said, on November 28, 2007 at 1:28 am

    I know you try to avoid making a series out of any editorial but sometimes those are the most entertaining ones. 6 Circles of Hell is some of your best work since coming over to Gaijin Smash.

  54. Saira said, on November 28, 2007 at 1:30 am

    Oh, and I forgot, yeah, girls have bad butt aiming skills :/ Just the other day I bumped someone’s elbow in the train trying to sit down.. And I tried not to too! No fair.

  55. Anonymous said, on November 28, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    I’ve almost sat on people on the subway before, but only when the train starts moving at the time of ass-placement. Was that the case with MMT? Otherwise, I guess some sort of boobie/vestibulatory trade-off…
    Anyhow, I think you should ask out yakuza-tattoo chick. Sure, you’re practically engaged, but dammit, our curiousity must be satisfied! By the way, does she wear standard OL clothing? It seems like it’d be impossible for her to hold any ‘normal’ job if she’s showing that badboy off everyday.

  56. Anonymous said, on November 28, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    I’ve almost sat on people on the subway before, but only when the train starts moving at the time of ass-placement. Was that the case with MMT? Otherwise, I guess some sort of boobie/vestibulatory trade-off…
    Anyhow, I think you should ask out yakuza-tattoo chick. Sure, you’re practically engaged, but dammit, our curiousity must be satisfied! By the way, does she wear standard OL clothing? It seems like it’d be impossible for her to hold any ‘normal’ job if she’s showing that badboy off everyday.

  57. Nils said, on November 28, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    I’ve watched 2girls1cup and BME pain olympics… but nothing is as bad as that old vid of a Chechen guerrillero beheading a Russian soldier with a big knife…
    Well, don’t want to think about it anymore. Az, show us your Az-fro!

  58. Newsha said, on November 28, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    I fall onto people all of the time on the subway in New York. It’s usually after a long day. I’m tired and slow and not quite in my seat by the time the train lurches. Once, I went face first into some gentleman’s chest, my hand to his crotch. I apologized profusely. He insisted that an apology wasn’t necessary. I’m sure she was just very tired and not paying attention.

  59. Anonymous said, on November 28, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    pain olympics shudder i still see that one in my nightmares i think that video was burned into my retinaes, ive watched some vile stuff but pain olympics………….words cannot describe the horror

  60. Anonymous said, on November 28, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    pain olympics shudder i still see that one in my nightmares i think that video was burned into my retinaes, ive watched some vile stuff but pain olympics………….words cannot describe the horror

  61. Anonymous said, on November 28, 2007 at 11:39 pm

    Speaking of Wikipedia… you’re not on it anymore. Looks like the superelite ‘notability’ pricks got to it.

  62. Anonymous said, on November 28, 2007 at 11:39 pm

    Speaking of Wikipedia… you’re not on it anymore. Looks like the superelite ‘notability’ pricks got to it.

  63. CorporalClegg said, on November 29, 2007 at 12:33 am

    I was gonna ask if you picked your afro back into a shag type or if you picked it forward into a Lionel from the Jeffersons type or do you switch it up? Its an important distinction. I used to rock the Lionel, forward and tapered, mad dope yo!!!!!!!

  64. Anonymous said, on November 29, 2007 at 1:14 am

    Speaking of Wikipedia… you’re not on it anymore. Looks like the superelite ‘notability’ pricks got to it.

  65. Anonymous said, on November 29, 2007 at 1:14 am

    Speaking of Wikipedia… you’re not on it anymore. Looks like the superelite ‘notability’ pricks got to it.

  66. Dal said, on November 29, 2007 at 8:54 am

    I have an answer for the sitting down thing; women have bad peripheral vision! According to studies, this is why women are famously considered bad drivers and can’t “park”. Ofcourse not all the women are like this, depending on how much testosterone they have. (does this mean Asian people have less testosterone?? I know I know bad joke XD)
    Myself, I have very good peripheral vision and extremelly good reflexes for a girl. Like kung-fu type of reflexes, I sometimes think I should take up martial arts.
    Also, I sort of have Piccolo shoes… except they are not pointy. It’s in style *shrug*

  67. Dal said, on November 29, 2007 at 8:56 am

    OH I forgot to mention 2girls1cup. Have you seen 2girls1finger? Also search for ‘funnel girl’.
    :D:D:D:D:D

  68. liv said, on November 29, 2007 at 9:34 am

    Oh my gosh – THAT’S what the posters in Hankyu stations are advertising??? See, this is why I need to learn more damn kanji.

  69. StellaTyphoon said, on November 29, 2007 at 10:01 pm

    OMG! I saw some lady with Piccolo Shoes at Chiba station last week! Piccolo Shoes!!

  70. Padawan Daryl said, on December 1, 2007 at 12:36 pm

    Trust me, I’ve seen worse than 2girls1cup, but I’ll never look at chocolate ice cream the same way again
    Been a while since a new post though. I miss em like a junkie misses crack cocaine.

  71. Osaka Lover said, on December 1, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    Man, I thought I was the only one that hated Takarazuka with all my life…

  72. Defectron said, on December 2, 2007 at 2:59 am

    HOLY SHIT!!! I just looked up 2girls 1 cup and that was the most awful thing I saw all day. It started out nice but then it was just HOLY CRAP!!!
    You told us not to look for that on purpose didn’t you! If you hadn’t said “Don’t look for this” I would have just ignored it and been on my way! But no you had to tell us not to look for it! that made it irrisistible! That’s like putting a big red button that has the word “Don’t” written on it out in front of me! of course I’m going to press it even if it says “Don’t” and you knew it! You set us up the bomb! CURSE YOU POOP DOG!!!

  73. Anonymous said, on December 3, 2007 at 4:34 pm

    ….I find some of those Takarazuka women kinda hot(not the one in the first poster though). I am bi though.
    as for the 2girls1cup thing. Ew. Though like one of the posters above, I just pretended it wasn’t real poop, and they did made it look like poop after the cut from the initial dump. So wasn’t as horrifying as I thought it would be.
    But next time I think I’ll heed your warnings.
    Nah, curiousity always kills the damn cat.

  74. Anonymous said, on December 3, 2007 at 4:34 pm

    ….I find some of those Takarazuka women kinda hot(not the one in the first poster though). I am bi though.
    as for the 2girls1cup thing. Ew. Though like one of the posters above, I just pretended it wasn’t real poop, and they did made it look like poop after the cut from the initial dump. So wasn’t as horrifying as I thought it would be.
    But next time I think I’ll heed your warnings.
    Nah, curiousity always kills the damn cat.

  75. stella said, on December 4, 2007 at 12:01 pm

    Hey, Az. I’m a female Takarazuka fan. It does seem weird to non-fans, but I suggest you read Jennifer Robertson’s articles and books on Takarazuka. It was one of my research topics in undergrad.
    I’ll admit, though, that the posters are sometimes scary, mainly because the stage makeup, which looks normal from far away, is super scary up close.
    In Japan, it seems to be mostly straight women–especially those married to salarymen-who like the otokoyaku, but in the States, fans seem more likely to actually consider themselves gender-queer.
    Anyway, I could type out my whole thesis here, but the Robertson stuff is pretty easy to find, so happy hunting.

  76. Jeff said, on December 4, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    Dragonball Z attire is becoming more popular around here (New York City) as well. At my taekwondo school several kids and teenagers made DBZ costumes for halloween, and have been wearing parts of the costume (wig, shoes, belt) around every day since.

  77. Maggy said, on December 5, 2007 at 6:26 am

    FUCK YOU AZ!! Damnit why am I such a curious retardo?? That was so fuckin disgusting!! >.< Jesus Christ I don’t know if I can get the image out of my head my GOD! I should have read the comments first I’m an idiot!! How the Hell can those girls STAND that????
    Oh, and I see those posters all the time too in the train and at the stations…and there’s the commercial with them too and I always found it really strange.
    I lobu u!!

  78. Andres0082 said, on December 5, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    Come on az-sensei!!! we need updates
    work is getting as dull as watching japanese morning shows (we just got the japanese channel here and oh boy were u right)
    seriously, hope everything goes ok, and i know things will come up for the better, wish u the best always

  79. Creston said, on December 5, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    You might be thrilled to know that searching for the words “Massive Melon Tits” on Google now leads to you being ranked fourth on the list of hits!
    I am very bored at work.

  80. The Unsuspecting said, on December 6, 2007 at 10:51 pm

    Oh, god, Az; never tell us not to do something ever again–at least don’t include what if you do. It’s too late for me now. The light is fading from my eyes. Cold it’s so cold…

  81. nameless said, on December 9, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    If you think that 2girls1cup thing is bad, you should try finding swap.avi. Unfortunately, the Internet has thoroughly desensitized me to all manner of fucked up things.

  82. 00 said, on December 13, 2007 at 8:26 pm

    Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
    (figured you’d like this one. ^_^)


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