Gaijin Smash

Train Warrior

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on November 7, 2007

As part of my venture into the adult world, I commute to work everyday, by train. The trains are an immutable part of Japanese culture. America, we’re a car culture. We drive to work, we drive to school. We drive to the gym. We drive to go walk somewhere. We drive to one place in order to drive to another place. It’s all about you and your car. While there is driving to be had in Japan, the train system is expansive and connected enough that you can go just about anyplace you want to go solely by train.
I’ve written about the trains before, but its a little different as a commuter. Before, I took the trains primarily on the weekend to head into Kyoto city for a little fun. I usually had my friends or girlfriend with me to help pass the time. Weekend trains also feature families, children, and on the way out of the city on the weekends, drunken puking unruly Japanese people. The entertainment kind of sort of provided itself.
However, as a commuter, the only people on the trains on weekday mornings are salarymen and office ladies, going to sacrifice another chunk of their souls to the company. They’re a drab lot, no sort of unruliness, and puking is somewhat rare. Some sort of time-killing activity is needed. Now, since my commute is one hour one way, I figured the best way to spend the time would be to study for the 1-kyuu of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. 2 hours a day every weekday would be 10 hours a week of good kanji study time. Ideally. And, if this were an ideal world, I would be married to Halle Berry, she’d have cooking skills that rivaled the Iron Chef, and a sex drive that rivaled George Michael’s.
So most of the time, I pretty much end up asleep. Which is how most other commuters who are fortunate enough to grab a seat end up. Most of us Sleepers have sort of mastered the art of sleeping on the train bench, so you don’t see a lot of the sprawled-out, gaping mouth sleeping passengers one might find on the last/first train out of the city. However, the “Don’t Drool on Yourself” jutsu is one that’s eluded most of us Sleepy Ninjas, myself included.


For those don’t sleep, there’s always the newspaper. Another cultural difference – newspapers in America will feature all sorts of stories. Current events, politics, sports, opinion, the funnies, whatever. For Japanese newspapers, I really only notice 3 things – scandals, sports, and porn. The porn is just ever present, while depending on the event, either the scandal or the sports will take center stage.
The porn isn’t exactly a new thing, anyone who’s rode on a train in Japan at pretty much any time of day is bound to catch some old dude looking at porn. What I don’t understand though, is why? Why porn on the train? Why porn on the morning train? Maybe it’s just me, but I hate looking at porn unless I can, y’know, do something about it. I’ll only watch porn if it leads to a good wank/sex afterwards, or its just funny in some way. But getting all hopped up on porn and not being able to crank out a orgasm…it’s just so pointless! It’s like watching the Food Network when all you’ve got are crackers in the house. Or, trying to swim upstream. Or, Victoria’s Secret for plus sizes. What’s the point?
So these old guys peruse porn on the train, get all worked up, and then go to their jobs where they get to be sexually frustrated behind their desks for 12 hours. Then they go home and the frustration probably continues. Wake up, get back on the train, look at more porn. Where’s the release? I guess maybe this is why chikan – the act of groping women on the trains, is so prevalent in Japan.
Osaka trains don’t get nearly as crowded as Tokyo trains (Yamanote…the horror….*shudder*) but they can get pretty darned packed. It always makes me so paranoid too, because move your hand the wrong way and you’re bound to brush into someone. Plus, with me being tall with long arms, and Japanese girls being short in general anyway, it puts my hands at a natural height for titty/ass grabbing. Once, I merely went to get something from my bag, and in the process, I sort of grazed up against the ass of a woman who was standing next to me. In an instant we exchanged looks. Looking at me, she might have thought either – “What a perv! Oh, but my goodness, I should not provoke nor anger this large beast, for it might be the end of my life” or “Hey handsome, do that again!” All I could think was “Please don’t think I chikan’d you – I wouldn’t even WANT to chikan you, don’t let me go up river for having accidentally grazed an armadillo.”
***
Riding the same train at the same time at the same spot everyday, you start to notice the exact same people who are doing the exact same thing. I call my train buddies my Collective. We are one. Resistance is futile.
There are a few people in particular I can’t help but to notice. One woman who gets on the train at the same stop I do, she stands out to me because of her remarkable resemblance to a gorilla. She’s not fat or big by any stretch of the imagination, her face is just very gorilla like. You could cast her in a Planet of the Apes movie with no makeup whatsoever and the technical team would win an Emmy for “Best Make-Up/Special Effects”. I’m not saying she’s ugly – I dunno, there’s actually something quite alluring about this woman, and given the opportunity I’d make sweet Magilla Gorilla monkey love to her. But still, she just looks like a gorilla, and everyday I find myself fascinated by her. I have nicknamed her Misty. If you can figure out how I arrived at that one, well, you get 1,000 cool points.
There’s another girl I’ve noticed who gets on at the stop after mine. This girl is kinda thick, especially for a Japanese girl. She wears a ton of makeup and does her hair up, but also dresses fashionably and smart for her size. Despite the big, I couldn’t help also noticing her as well. At first, I couldn’t figure out why. I thought maybe it was the dormant Negro in my genes, finally awakening after a long slumber to appreciate a little extra junk in the trunk. But, that didn’t seem right, as I still don’t like fried chicken, and I’m pretty sure I’m not that great at basketball either. One day recently though, I spotted her wearing a tight-fitting, low-cut T-shirt, and the reason became very clear – massive melon tits.
I have always been, and will always be, a breast man. Legs, ass, face, thighs, eyes, colon, lower intestine, whatever, fuck it – gimme some titties. As you can imagine, I suffer in Japan. While the big breasteses do exist, they’re sort of few and far between. Even fat girls in Japan somehow manage to have small chests – and how does that work anyway? Your body gets fat, except for the one part of your body that is composed entirely of fat? That right there is nothing short of legendary divine intervention – God hating on you specifically. Living in Japan has made me appreciate almost anything with a nice rack. I’d rush down Rodney Dangerfield’s corpse if someone gave him a nice set of D-cup implants. Now, this girl hadn’t worn any clothes up until now that revealed her Massive Melon Tits™, so I can only assume that my natural Melon Tits Sense began to tingle whenever she was near. I haven’t nicknamed this girl yet. Every time I try to, I end up getting sucked into the Valley of Hooters and all my thoughts go completely happy.
Y’know, I just realized, if I were a superhero, my kryptonite would be breasts.
Speaking of breasts, another Collective member. This girl does not have the Massive Melon Tits™, in fact they’re quite small. What she does have, is what appears to be a rather large tattoo across her chest. And this absolutely fascinates me.
Tattoos, to some extent, are kind of rare in Japan. Sure, if you hang around in the right circles you’ll see plenty of people with tattoos, but if we’re talking about your everyday Japanese person, then probably not so much. As tattoos are still a big part of the yakuza culture, many gyms and onsens will include a “no tattoo” clause in their member requirements – it lets them keep the yakuza out without actually having to say “no yakuza”. It can also be looked upon very negatively by a place of employment (my girlfriend’s brother had one which was sighted at an after-hours drinking party – the company made him get rid of the tattoo, or be fired). I’ve known many Japanese girls who’ve said they would like a tattoo, but would probably never do it because of all the inconvenience it brings.
Yet, here’s a girl who not only got a tattoo, but got one spread across her chest, and doesn’t wear clothes to hide said tattoo. She’s a glitch in The Matrix if I’ve ever seen one. I don’t know what the tattoo is of, I’m never able to get a good enough look. She usually stands in front of me on the train – while this would optimally be a great vantage point, she also stares at me a lot (as many Japanese are prone to do) and I don’t want to be caught staring into her non-existent cleavage. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d have my Breast Lovers Club card revoked if I was caught oggling an A-cup. So the best I can do is quick peeks, and so far I haven’t quite figured out what it is yet.
This woman enthralls me. Why a tattoo? What is it of? Why across the chest? Was she in the yakuza? A former prostitute? Or just a very rebellious teen? If this were America, I suppose I could just ask her, but the morning train in Japan isn’t exactly a hub of conversation. Maybe one day, I’ll take the morning off work, follow her to wherever she’s going every morning, and see what I can determine from that. Mmm yes, my descent into stalker madness is coming along quite nicely…
***
Being a regular train rider, I’ve confirmed two super-powers. First is the whole waking up before you stop thing. Now I do it too. It’s incredible, on the way home I’ll just kind of black out, and always automatically wake up at the same point right before my stop. I guess maybe it isn’t a Japanese-exclusive super-power after all. Either than, or I pulled a Peter Petrelli and absorbed it from all the Japanese people around me. Unfortunately, that’s really the only useful power I’m going to get, as I have no need for Super Porn Byakugan Eye or the 1000 Hands Shinobi Chikan technique.
The other power I’ve confirmed is my Gaijin Perimeter. Yes, even on the commuter train, there will be times when people just don’t sit next to me. Now, I’ve talked about the regular trains, and how Japanese people are willing to fight a bitter battle to the death over a seat. But the commuter trains! Japanese people would without hesitation sell every one of their children into bitter, harsh slavery for a seat. They would endure a lifetime of Saved By The Bell: The New Class re-runs on infinite repeat and dubbed into French.* They would gladly tear out and eat one of their own internal organs, right there on the spot, if it meant sitting down. But, sitting down next to me? Heavens no! That’s just awesome.
I can only assume that the power level of my Gaijin Perimeter is at least OVER NINE THOUSAAA-…., well, really frickin’ huge. I feel like I should do something with my unique ability. I dunno what though. Become the most feared sumo wrestler in Japanese history? (“Oh my God, he’s forcing his opponent out of the ring…and he’s not even touching him!”) Let me get back to you on that.
*Actually though, this isn’t that bad, because it’s STILL not worse than Japanese TV. I can’t think of anything that’s worse than Japanese TV. You could make a TV channel out of goatse.cx, and that would still be more satisfying than Japanese TV. I just want to round up every Japanese TV “producer” in the country and punch them in the face. And ask them how they can sleep comfortably at night, having created something so horrible.

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81 Responses

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  1. Neil said, on November 7, 2007 at 6:53 am

    Misty….Gorillas in the Mist?
    The waking-before-your-stop is a commuter superpower that develops when you spend enough time on rush-hour trains. The other one is the ability to ignore everything around you while holding a newspaper….people being beaten up, robbed, raped, nuclear war…you name it.
    (Az’s Note: And 1000 cool points to you good sir.
    Maybe I’m just not as clever as I thought…)

  2. Manuel said, on November 7, 2007 at 6:58 am

    Misty…Could it be…Play-mate of the Apes?

  3. Nathan said, on November 7, 2007 at 7:32 am

    Is it Misty Mundae, some porn actress from this one movie called “Play-Mate of the Apes”? I’ve never heard of her, but I was able to bring her up when I gooogled “Misty ape”.

  4. Gomblash said, on November 7, 2007 at 7:37 am

    Another great post Az, keep it up! I always thought your posts would go downhill since moving from Outpost Nine, but they are still extremely entertaining. You should use your powers for good, not evil, and remember, you are noone’s personal army!

  5. Anonymous said, on November 7, 2007 at 7:44 am

    im curious, with the gaijin perimiter and all, do you ever get any japanese people, or any other gaijins for that matter, sitting down and attempting small talk? do they think you’ll eat them or something?

  6. Anonymous said, on November 7, 2007 at 7:44 am

    im curious, with the gaijin perimiter and all, do you ever get any japanese people, or any other gaijins for that matter, sitting down and attempting small talk? do they think you’ll eat them or something?

  7. Poop said, on November 7, 2007 at 7:51 am

    Oh c’mon, Misty is the most obvious reference ever.
    And y’know, I’m not sure that a whole bunch of your readers who put ‘Goatse’ into google are gonna want to come back after what you just did to them…

  8. Mayhem said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:00 am

    Indeed, I guess 1000 cool points to me as well!
    As someone who has commuted by train for almost 10 years now, I can definitely confirm two things you mention are true outside of Japan. They probably apply anywhere in the world to be honest…
    1) Spotting the same people (the COLLECTIVE) at the train station each morning and quite often ending up in the same seat in the same carriage (I live right at the end of a line so we can all sit down when the train pulls in). I suppose it’s reassuring to see the same faces… the same faces in depressed looks knowing they have to head off and spend the best hours of the day earning money.
    2) Waking up before your stop. Give your body long enough to judge the time taken from leaving the first station until you get off and it will just “know” when to rouse you. Of course this partly backfires if the train is delayed, so you end up waking up still a good 10 minutes from home occasionally.

  9. Anonymous said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:17 am

    I think your train gaijin perimeter may be a function of being a tall black man rather than a foreigner. I’m an equally tall white man and people on the trains sit right next to me. Even on the Yamanote Line.

  10. Anonymous said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:17 am

    I think your train gaijin perimeter may be a function of being a tall black man rather than a foreigner. I’m an equally tall white man and people on the trains sit right next to me. Even on the Yamanote Line.

  11. nemuri said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:18 am

    saved by the bell in french !! i watched this ! “sauvé par le gong”
    honestly, any american show dubbed in french is 10x worse than the original. Especially for us French because it’s the same voices in every show !! i think we must have 4 or 5 dubbing actors in the whole country.
    The only exception is the simpson (and maybe friends). The simpsons voices in french are actually better in French.

  12. GK said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:23 am

    Darn too late on the gorillas in the mist reference.
    To make it up to myself I thought I’d link you a game that will most certainly cause you to have a horrible Kancho flashback : http://www.mikewang.org/images/chimgam9.swf
    Or maybe you will play it obsessively taking revenge on all those who violated you cornhole with their Kanco fury.

  13. Freerefill said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:26 am

    Long time lurker, first time poster.
    Tattoo Girl might be a good test of the Gaijin Smash powers. I’ll bet dollars to yen if you walk right up to her and ask her about the tattoo as if you were asking directions, she’d have no choice but to answer. If you ask to see it, she’ll probably even show you. Bring your cell phone, take pictures. Your rabid fans want moar.
    And hey, maybe you can start selling bits of your Gaijin Perimeter to people who would pay cash money for a seat on the train. It’s like selling gravity or a magnetic field. No matter how much you sell, you retain the source and it’s never depleted.

  14. Gordon said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:35 am

    I saw a Japanese game show on Youtube where they strapped steak to some girls’ heads, then made them put their heads in a tank with some big lizard, to see who could last the longest.
    That was pretty weird.

  15. Jen said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:53 am

    Aw, someone named it before I did. )=

  16. Andrew said, on November 7, 2007 at 9:22 am

    As a fellow train commuter (on the Yamanote no less), I envoy you and your seats. I get on the stop after Shinagawa, so the train is always packed, and I get white glove pushed in every morning. I feel you pain, as another large male. You are not alone on your daily commutes!

  17. Travis said, on November 7, 2007 at 9:56 am

    Don’t see a lot of tit-men around these days. It’s nice to see.. we’re not a dying breed. *sniffle*

  18. zhoa said, on November 7, 2007 at 11:38 am

    I’m not saying she’s ugly – I dunno, there’s actually something quite alluring about this woman, and given the opportunity I’d make sweet Magilla Gorilla monkey love to her. LMAO either your a strange man or japan does bad bad things to people keep it up lol magilla gorilla monkey love what weed do you smoke to come up with this stuff

  19. Nathan said, on November 7, 2007 at 11:47 am

    Welcome back. Your new articles are as awesome as ever.

  20. Ki the only black guy in sendai said, on November 7, 2007 at 11:50 am

    Lolz deny all you want AZ but you dont seem to be the bigest oreo. I meen im shocked you knew about that song. You are awarded the coolest black dude in japan runner up reward, and thats only because im the coolest…^^

  21. Adam said, on November 7, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    Aww, man, I was going to let you know about the Heroes series premiere in Japan, but I guess you’ve already seen the show. I wonder how the show’s fairing in Japan. And also, you have balls to sit on the train. They will stare at you so much more if you sit than if you stand. At least that was my experience.

  22. Lissou said, on November 7, 2007 at 12:13 pm

    nemuri is right. French dubs are terrible for us French, because, well, for one thing, they’re dubs (I don’t like dubs at all. How hard is it to put subtitles? I understand dubs for kid programs, because they can’t read yet, but that’s it).
    Then, as you said, nemuri (you’re the one who said that, right?) we have like 5 actors. Clark in “Lois and Clark” is Chandler in “Friends” is Simba in “the Lion king”, is the guy in “Anastasia”, and, well, at least one male character in each series. I think that guy is a robot.
    What’s worse, the non-dubbed version (because we do have subtitled version) tend to be shown at night. Like it’s shameful or something. 11 PM? Time for porn and subtitled programs!
    It really gets on my nerves. And then they complain that we don’t speak enough foreign languages. Let us LISTEn to them, and maybe we will at some point.

  23. Eva said, on November 7, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    Awesome. Don’t forget to write if you ever find out about this girl’s tat!
    @lissou: interesting point… I also noticed this issue of avoiding foreign languages at any cost in France, but I never thought of subs instead of dubs as solution. In Germany, most dubs aren’t really that bad – only the animes actually, because they mostly seem to cast cheap amateurs (often teenagers) for the job, who can’t even pronounce the names right.

  24. Tethys said, on November 7, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    Yeah, I thought Gorillas in the Mist too, but I’m a monkey nerd…

  25. LOL@Nathan said, on November 7, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    AZ, your article extended my life by at least a minute by making me laugh…but Nathan’s comment, wtf is he watching & why does he remember her name? LOL!

  26. Lol@nobody said, on November 7, 2007 at 1:42 pm

    nevermind, i stopped laughing and went back to read the rest of his comment. he’s covered his tracks well. ignore these.

  27. Phelps said, on November 7, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    I’m with Freerefill. You must Gaijin Smash your way to knowledge of the Tittie Tat Tramp.
    heh heh. Double entendre FTW.

  28. WT said, on November 7, 2007 at 2:25 pm

    I’m very much a breast man too, but I prefer quality over quantity. You can keep all the D (or higher) cups. If they’re real, they’re saggy, and if they’re fake, they probably look more like overinflated flesh colored balloons than actual breasts.

  29. Anonymous said, on November 7, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    a winnar is you

  30. Anonymous said, on November 7, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    a winnar is you

  31. ItAintEazy said, on November 7, 2007 at 3:43 pm

    I’d have thought you’d nicknamed Massive Melon Tits™ “Misty” after Misty May [/anime geek]

  32. Justin said, on November 7, 2007 at 3:51 pm

    When I grow up I wanna be just like you Az! >.> Scary though ah.. too bad I’m actually serious. I start college majoring in education of Japanese language in two months. Make me a Az action figure?

  33. atara said, on November 7, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    You think the Yamanote is bad? Have a go at the Marunouchi subway line. It’s like a scene from Dante’s Inferno every single day.

  34. Megan said, on November 7, 2007 at 5:33 pm

    I absolutely HATE Japanese TV. I didn’t understand what you were talking about until I came to Japan a year ago. Now I do. (BTW your Heroes reference made my day~)

  35. Rick Steed said, on November 7, 2007 at 6:02 pm

    Great post Az, the Yamanote line is hell,People still sit next to a brother cos they got no choice! and I’m glad to read stories from another brother who is livin it in Japan!
    Peace!
    Rick.

  36. Gomez said, on November 7, 2007 at 7:14 pm

    Man it seems like just about everyone got that gorillas in the mist reference…
    Still I wouldn’t call car travel the #1 form of transportation in all of America. Driving in New York City is something I have never and will never do (by the way its a lot easier not to do this when you no longer live in the City), so the train sense thing is nothing new to me. Still I imagine that the A-train from Queens to Manhattan was a lot more entertaining, what with its beggars, salesmen and musicians, than what you’ve had to put up with for quite some time now.
    Now if only you could master trying to sleep while holding up your Kyuu-1 study book, people might thing you’re trying really hard and who knows you might even pick up some of it through osmosis…

  37. Alex said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:20 pm

    /cue sarcasm
    How could you Az? I thought you of all people would know that over nine thousand is actually a mistranslation. In the original Japanese version of DBZ, it is over 8,000. It’s only 9,000 in the English version. Damn. Now I’m gonna have check all of your nerdy references.

  38. Jenna said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:25 pm

    You could always name Melon Tits “snugglebunny 2” or whatever you called that school girl who rubbed her tits in your face. lol
    i’m glad you’re back to posting more often.

  39. Johnny said, on November 7, 2007 at 8:41 pm

    @Gomez… Just because many people don’t drive in New York doesn’t mean that cars aren’t king in the US. I’m pretty sure that in some parts of Japan there isn’t a train, but that’s an exception. Looking at all of America, cars definitely are in the vast majority.
    Nice story. If you post about every girl with Melon tits that you see, or at least are around semi-regularily (and it seems like you do) I’m sorry… that’s what, 2 girls in 4 years? Ouch.

  40. kristian said, on November 7, 2007 at 10:21 pm

    lmao very entertaining post!
    i am glad to see more updates from you and your apparent non-struggle(at times) on the trains…
    amazed at the flurry of references to shows i enjoy, im actually leaving you a comment for once!…even though i do enjoy the rest of your posts as well…i thought i should leave something for you to read as well…
    ive always wondered what your most hated show is…the one that just makes you want to punch babies in the face…or maybe if there are more than one most hated show could you tell us?? or just me…whichever…..oh and how do you feel about kojima yoshio?…

  41. Nick said, on November 7, 2007 at 10:39 pm

    If you all think goatse is bad, you should check out 2girls1cup.com because it makes goatse look like nothing.

  42. mw said, on November 7, 2007 at 10:56 pm

    The nickname is an obvious reference to Gorillas in the Mist…the movie based on the work of Diane Fossy.

  43. joanne said, on November 7, 2007 at 11:04 pm

    Could the tattooed girl be a yakuza’s girlfriend?
    Anyway, perhaps there are only two places in the US where one does not need a car at all but to only rely on subways – SF and NY.

  44. Ploin said, on November 8, 2007 at 12:42 am

    ITS OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND
    that NEVER gets old
    and kudos on the heroes reference

  45. Peter said, on November 8, 2007 at 12:58 am

    One of the funniest posts in a while *and* a Heroes reference. A new word needs to be invented to describe the awesomeness. (Win-tastic?)
    I’m curious, when you do get up do you create a vacuum in which commuters rush for the 2-3 empty seats?

  46. Aaron said, on November 8, 2007 at 1:48 am

    I read the comment that one Poop wrote and googled Goatse…thank GOD I read the Wikipedia instead of checked a site.
    …how is one able to spread their ass that wide. *shudder*
    And lately I’ve heard tell of “Two Girls and one cup” or something like that. It sounds like it’d be just as bad.

  47. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2007 at 3:05 am

    Okay, I just have to know now. Are you a /b/tard?

  48. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2007 at 3:05 am

    Okay, I just have to know now. Are you a /b/tard?

  49. Jay = 爱科尼 said, on November 8, 2007 at 3:31 am

    thats my chinese name and stuck in china.
    “And, if this were an ideal world, I would be married to Halle Berry, she’d have cooking skills that rivaled the Iron Chef, and a sex drive that rivaled George Michael’s.”
    that is a classic line! Az you have definitely made this post one of the best ever. most of the time your posts are a bit ont he slapstick side but this one would have stand up comedians coming to your site for good discussions on the mike.

  50. Jenrathy said, on November 8, 2007 at 5:28 am

    French dubbed tv is so bad, I usually watch tv shows with subtitles.
    And I can’t imagine Hard Gay subbed in french Oo.
    Worst ? Dubbed porn !

  51. code monkey said, on November 8, 2007 at 8:17 am

    When I was in Japan, I’d ride three trains to work and I’d consistently see three collectives each day–a bunch of cute–as-in-you’re-so-cute-I’d-like-to-pinch-your-cheeks-cute–schoolgirls, the usual salarymen, and some guy who keeps saying what the train master will say just before he can. Heck, there’s even a collective on the walk to the office (and I’d always run into this obaa-san who talks to herself).

  52. Max said, on November 8, 2007 at 8:54 am

    You know Az, I discovered this site right before I left for my study abroad in Tokyo. Having been here two months, I have to say… you get a seat during rush hour? What the hell? I’m a fairly large gaijin, and I get no perimeter… then again, I’m taking Tokyo subways and switching to the JR chuo line… almost as bad as the yamanote line, especially during rush hour. I also know what you mean about the accidental chikan… when crowding conditions force you to dry hump whoever is in front of you, it’s hard to take sufficient care.
    (Az’s Note: Tokyo. Entirely different beast.)

  53. Ilhares said, on November 8, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    @Gordon – that clip with the girls was Morning Musume, a j-pop group of varying number over the years (once 3-5 members, as large as 13 members), and they used to have an hour-long weekly show full of all kinds of skits and oddity.
    Mildly amusing on occasion, but generally easy on the eyes, if not the ears.

  54. Meister Lampe said, on November 8, 2007 at 3:52 pm

    i think u nicknamed her misty because of Misty Rosas the actress who played AMY the gorilla in the 1995 movie CONGO

  55. Creston said, on November 8, 2007 at 4:10 pm

    Gorilla’s in the Mist(y).

  56. RudyD said, on November 8, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    “anyone who’s rode on a train in Japan at pretty much any time of day is bound to catch some old dude looking at porn.”
    Hmmm, must’ve not looked hard enough. Even after a few weeks of riding Japanese trains I can’t remember seeing ojiisans reading teh pr0n papers. And I guess I really would have noticed!
    “Osaka trains don’t get nearly as crowded as Tokyo trains (Yamanote…the horror….*shudder*)”
    True, but the Kanjo-sen could be pretty full as well.
    I think it was on the Yamanote though that a mom pop and two kids managed to push their way into a really crowded train compartment where I was standing. The kid had a BIG lollypop in his hands and started waving it around, instantly creating a StickyGoo Perimeter with salarymen and office ladies trying hard not to get it smeared on their suits.
    When *another* five people tried to get on at the next station, the kid – now being squeezed from all sides – let out a deliberate ‘urrrrgh!’ to let everyone know how he was feeling. Caused me to chuckle allright.
    And when *another* three people had to get on (and it would’ve been easier if they had crawled on everyone’s heads by now), from down below somewhere in the mass of freshly-squeezed suit sardines, I heard him go “Tasuketeeee.. Heeeeellllp!” At which time I had to do my very best not to ROFL, which would’ve caused a ruckus indeed.
    Keep it up Az,

  57. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    I love you for the Arrested Development allusion.

  58. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    I love you for the Arrested Development allusion.

  59. Colin said, on November 8, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    Seriously, Az, Misty? You can do a lot better than that. You’ve set your own standards so high that you need to pull out something truly, unbelievably, ludicrously obscure to hit even the lower slopes of your usual reference mountain. The general rule is something like, “if it doesn’t involve a one-shot cartoon character out of a classic show from the 80’s/90’s, it isn’t Az-worthy.”
    …you know what’s depressing? I just thought of about 30 one-shot 80’s/90’s cartoon characters, just off the top of my head.

  60. tsuyoshi said, on November 9, 2007 at 3:32 am

    The “gaijin perimeter” doesn’t seem to apply at all in Tokyo. I am a 5’11 white guy (so quite unJapanese looking but probably not quite as scary looking as Azrael), and I’ve spent 3 months in Tokyo and about a month in Kansai (mostly Kobe but a little time in Osaka) and I only ever noticed that people were avoiding sitting next to me in Kansai. Wasn’t hard to notice either; they were really obvious about it.
    Not sure if this is because Kanto trains are usually more crowded (although I never saw anyone pass up an empty seat next to me even in the less crowded areas of Tokyo) or because there are more foreigners in Kanto so they are less afraid of us (but I dunno, there are quite a lot of foreigners in Kansai too) or what the reason is.
    But anyway I don’t think that Tokyo is like the rest of Japan. If you go to Japan and only spend time in Tokyo (which a lot of people do), it’s sort of like going to America and only spending time in New York. Not necessarily a bad thing IMO but it will skew your perspective.

  61. Goggles said, on November 9, 2007 at 4:31 am

    Az’s Collective vs. /b/
    GOGOGOGOGOGOGO

  62. Gino said, on November 9, 2007 at 4:52 pm

    You need to put a disclaimer on some of these posts Az. I’m reading while I’m stuck in my philosophy class, and could barely contain my laughter. My professor asked me what was wrong, and I could only think of saying that the girl sitting next to me stepped on my toes because I oogled at her chest. He actually bought it after she said we were friends… go figure huh?

  63. ShinJupiter said, on November 11, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    I’ve just found your website today, and I must say…totemo omoshiroi.
    I just had to comment on being a tit man, my brothers are out there it seems…(and I don’t just mean cuz I’m black too, lOl)
    Good work, I’ll b comin’ round the mountain for more.

  64. evil_tennyo said, on November 12, 2007 at 6:23 am

    “I feel like I should do something with my unique ability. I dunno what though. Become the most feared sumo wrestler in Japanese history? (“Oh my God, he’s forcing his opponent out of the ring…and he’s not even touching him!”)”
    Awesomeo >_< just don’t forget of us little ppl when you make it big in Japan (well, ur already..big..in japan… aw you know what i meant)

  65. Shinee said, on November 13, 2007 at 2:19 pm

    One hour on a packed train? Try 2 hours and a half on 3 different packed buses and one train, next to horribly smelly people with no entertainment whatsoever (oh my dear subway, where have you gone…) now THAT’S Hell.

  66. Nate said, on November 17, 2007 at 5:26 am

    I’m glad you’re a Heroes fan too. I recently moved to China and the big titty thing only happens once in a while and I completely know what you’re talking about. I used to only like DD’s or bigger but now if some chick’s sportin a C cup I start panting and scratching my ears. It’s sad.

  67. T said, on November 18, 2007 at 7:13 pm

    Technically, if you were a REAL Breast Man you’d like ALL breasts, A cups included. So you’re a Big Breast Man.
    (Az’s Note: Playa please. Do wine connoisseurs drink the $10 bottles from the convenience store? Do professional chefs ever eat at McDonalds?)

  68. kittu said, on December 7, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    Sorry if I’m being annoying but I just got to play the “Guess Az’s reference” game!
    -I pulled a Peter Petrelli: Az watches/has seen Heroes
    -Super Porn Byakugan Eye: Az watches/has seen Naruto
    -at least OVER NINE THOUSAAA-….- that’s Dragon Ball (Z, GT)

  69. Hugo Fuchs said, on December 12, 2007 at 12:54 am

    (The one with that tattoo could be named Zoë.

    Massive Mellon Tits should be named Melony.
    And I guess Misty is based on the look of Ari played by Helena Bonham Carter from (Planet of the Apes circa 2001) and not Zira played by Kim Hunter (Planet of the Apes circa 1968).

  70. megan said, on December 13, 2007 at 12:19 am

    I never got a Gaijin Perimeter! I always had old ladies wanting to sit next to me to “practice their English”
    also I second on the Japanese TV. The worst was the new shows with that crazy Einstein hair that would pop up in the bottom corner and scream things. *shudders*
    The Porn and beer vendis were tops though.

  71. Ian Suttle said, on December 13, 2007 at 7:49 pm

    What’s with the harsh criticism of Japanese TV directly followed by the good-humoured reference to a Japanese cartoon?

  72. Ishi said, on June 30, 2008 at 2:45 am

    1000 cool points for me too good sir! Gorillas in the Mist was a little obvious and a bit mean…but i know what you mean. i’ve seen people who just looked like fish, a flowered cod/australian grouper to be specific.

  73. Vm said, on October 18, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    Waking just before your stop is a power used by early workers and people that study/work at night all around the world, I’ve been using it since I was 15 and I know many others that have it

  74. miru said, on November 13, 2008 at 7:43 am

    LOL dude!
    This made me laugh “Super Porn Byakugan Eye or the 1000 Hands Shinobi Chikan technique.”

  75. Non said, on December 29, 2008 at 12:17 am

    The “waking up just before your stop” super-power is one that can only be gained from experience commuting on either the train or bus.
    You have to hit that state of mind where, not only are you tired and bored, but that you start finding the actual movement of the train/bus soothing and condusive to sleep. X3
    I have only ever missed my stop once. And I had been up all night, so it was kind of a given

  76. Anonymous said, on April 9, 2009 at 10:22 am

    I must have the best Gaijin Perimeter ever. Sometimes locals will go so far as to enter the train via the next door over when they see me inside!

  77. Anonymous said, on April 9, 2009 at 10:22 am

    I must have the best Gaijin Perimeter ever. Sometimes locals will go so far as to enter the train via the next door over when they see me inside!

  78. Anonymous said, on April 16, 2009 at 7:28 am

    This is the funniest thing I read in a while! I felt like it was me commenting on Japan…Priceless!

  79. Anonymous said, on April 16, 2009 at 7:28 am

    This is the funniest thing I read in a while! I felt like it was me commenting on Japan…Priceless!


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