Gaijin Smash

Border Patrol

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on November 2, 2007

I sit next to an interesting Chinese lady at work. I don’t really have an interesting nickname for her, so I will just call her Doris.
I noticed after a few days that she’s very particular about her desk space. If I have papers that just happen to be protruding past the boundaries of my desk and into hers, she will make a big production of pushing the papers back into my territory. Now, I like to be considerate of people’s space and all, but I also have a terrible competitive streak, and the way she made such a big deal out of pushing my papers back…well, it was almost like I was being challenged. I made sure that, whenever she was away from her desk, I’d push just a few millimeters of my stuff onto her side.
What was it that Commissioner Gordon warned Batman about in Batman Begins? You always have to worry about escalation, or something like that? How true he was. Soon enough, Doris wasn’t content with just pushing my papers back onto my side – she now started to push some of her papers onto my side as well. I also noticed that whenever I left my desk, just a few millimeters of her things would be crossing into my space. Although sometimes she did it all shinobi like, more often than not she was pretty brazen about it.
Doris: *points to the border, then specifically shows me her pushing her things across my side*
Me: …Oh shit, it’s a Chinese Invasion.
Doris: Invasion?
Me: Yep. The Chinese are finally invading America it seems.
Doris: …That’s right. You self-righteous Americans have interfered with Chinese Imperialism for the last time.
Me: I’d better call the embassy then.
Doris: They won’t be of much help. Haven’t you noticed your surroundings? You’re stuck between the Chinese/Japanese border. And Hong Kong is no longer under British rule. You’re completely on your own here. (She’s referring to the fact that on our “island” of desks, there another Chinese lady, Doris, Me, then I sit in front of a Japanese lady, and then next to her is another Chinese lady from Hong Kong.)
Me: Then, why do you want this American territory? Don’t you have enough land mass as is?
Doris: I dunno if you’ve noticed, but China is currently ONE BILLION strong, and they can’t all sleep on the floor. Isn’t America just cows and farmland anyway? For every space one cow occupies we can fit 3 generations of a whole Chinese family in there.
Me: And where will the cows go?
Doris: You don’t need anymore cows! Eat more rice.
With Doris Atkins making more bold moves into my territory everyday, it became clear that I was going to need an army, or at least a strong ally to defend my territory. But…who would rise to the occasion?


***
My girlfriend asked me a few weeks before her birthday what I was going to get her. I hate this question. You can’t actually be honest, because if you do the surprise is ruined. Not to mention, I actually had no idea what I was going to get her. She likes clothes (of course, she’s female), but I can barely walk into any of those trendy depaato (department stores) without wanting to gore myself with a butter knife and then hang myself with my own small intestines. Unfortunately, shopping is her primary and only hobby, so the gift ideas kind of run dry after that.
Faced with this question, I could only answer with something I’d been thinking about buying for myself. What does a young male in his mid-20’s want? Why, toys of course! Around this time, a new Megatron pose-able figure was scheduled to be released, and quite honestly, I was thinking about it far more than possible gift ideas for the little woman. So, with no other options, I was perfectly honest…
Her: So, what are you gonna get me for my birthday?
Me: Well, I’ve been thinking long and hard about it…
Her: Yeah?
Me: And I’ve decided on Megatron.
Her: …Megatron?
Me: Yeah, Megatron. From The Transformers.
Her: Wow. You are the worst boyfriend ever.
Me: Hey! What girl wouldn’t be impressed with Megatron? He’s the leader of the Decepticons!
Her: If you really gave me Megatron…we’d have to break up on the spot. My friends would ask me “Why did you break up with him?” All I’d have to say is “Because he gave me Megatron for my birthday!” and they would understand completely.
Me: They’re just jealous that their boyfriends don’t care about them enough to give them a gift that counts.
Her: …He’s not even one of the good guys!
Over the next few weeks, I continued to joke that I would give her Megatron for her birthday, and she continued to threaten to dump me on the spot. Well, her birthday rolled around, and rest assured ladies and gentlemen, I did actually buy her a proper present. I also bought Megatron. The toy was out, and I wanted it, so I picked it up. But on my way home, my sick sense of humor started to kick in again, as I thought – “Hey, why not actually give her Megatron? The look on her face will be priceless!”
So I went home, hid all my packages, and wrapped up Megatron rather nicely. I taped the birthday card to the package, and we were all set. On her birthday, I passed her the attractive present and the card. After reading the card, she began to open up the box. “I wonder what you got me?” She asks in excitement. I can barely contain myself.
Let me tell you – in all my years alive, I have never seen a more deeper and profound expression of human despair and hopelessness than I saw when she finally opened the package to discover Megatron.
My great joke only lasted about a minute though, I think she actually was going to get up and leave me right there on the spot. I brought out her real presents, and we both had a laugh over the Megatron Birthday. I displayed my new Megatron for a few weeks in my apartment, but soon I realized that he would look very attractive on my desk at work. After some internal debate over the issue (just how much of my geekiness do I want to expose to my coworkers?), I finally brought him in one day. It didn’t take long for everybody to notice him, Doris included.
Doris: Hey, what’s that?
Me: Oh, just a gift for my girlfriend’s birthday.
Doris: He certainly looks scary.
Me: Well, he is the leader of the Decepticons.
Doris: …Decepticons? What’s that?
Me: *a sudden flash of genius washes over me* …Border patrol.
Doris: Border patrol?
Me: Yep. *I re-position Megatron right at the edge of my desk*
Doris: …Oh shit.
Me: Sorry about your Chinese Imperialism, but I have defenses now.
Doris: Well, he is only one man. What can one man do? *she makes a move to push papers towards my side.*
Me: *I raise the fusion cannon up towards her side* He’s one man with a really big gun.
Doris: *Strategically retreating.* I can’t beat that, it’s too scary.
Me: And Chinese Imperialism is foiled yet again.
Doris: Typical Americans. You and your big guns.
Me: Hey, who said anything about big guns?
Doris: *pointing to Megatron* He’s got a freakin’ CANNON on his arm.
Me: Yeah, well…
Doris: And doesn’t he transform into a gun too?
Me: …How did you know that?
Doris: I kind of remember this…it was a TV show, right? We had it in China too.
Me: Oh, did you watch?
Doris: No. I just remember seeing a bad guy robot turn into a gun, and I thought “Wow, Americans sure do like guns!” 20 years later, and I’ve been proven right.
Me: Well, at least I’ve got my territory back.
Doris: You just wait until I build up my army. I’ll be back.
We no longer sit next to each other. But sometimes, if she comes to my desk for something, as she leaves she’ll grab Megaton really quick and pose him – have him bend over and moon me , put his hands up towards his pelvis as if he was urinating.
Me: Why you gotta play tricks like that?
Doris; For ruining Chinese Manifest Destiny.
I used to scold my students for goofing around in class, but as it turns out, adults aren’t that much different.

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69 Responses

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  1. Yma said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:15 am

    Man, I would’ve cried with joy if my boyfriend bought me a Megatron for my birthday… I had to make my own fucking birthday cake this year and everything. That is just so sad…

  2. Eclipse said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:16 am

    At least she didn’t bust out with an Optimus Prime as her counter. You and I both know that if that time came you’d be proper fucked.
    Zero

  3. Aquabeta said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:17 am

    hahaha great post Az… how did your girlfriend actually react??

  4. one and only said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:22 am

    man first post how lucky
    you should put more japanese words its kind of funny seeing them since im taking japanese. well of course put what they rly mean so ppl know but jsut wondering if you would

  5. contingenciestoo said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:40 am

    az! i’m so happy to see moeko’s owl behind megatron and his giant cannon ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. flash_fox said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:59 am

    Reminds me of Ms. Grinch, how she would freak out just over the spaces between the desks… I guess growing up in such an uptight country can have that effect on some people.

  7. HiEv said, on November 2, 2007 at 4:04 am

    Me: Why you gotta play tricks like that?
    Doris; For running Chinese Manifest Destiny.
    Er… Was “running” supposed to be “ruining”?
    Anyways, great article. Cracked me up a couple of times.

  8. Brad said, on November 2, 2007 at 4:05 am

    Hilarious. But wait… wasn’t the Transformers a Japanese show? Why would she reference American gun love when she saw Megatron?
    (Az’s Note: :..(
    The Transformers was originally a Japanese toy line, but the original incarnation + TV show was American. They dubbed it into Japanese later (and did a horrible job of it) and then continued the storyline on after the Americans stopped production of it.)

  9. ying said, on November 2, 2007 at 5:26 am

    I actually remember seeing the chinese dub. If you think the japanese dub is bad… ohoho, i was crying tears of blood. Come to think of it I saw He-man and She-ra in chinese dub too, though I was happily addicted so i bore the bad dubbing. And it was the only connection to america i had as a little girl :/
    anyhow, its a common misconception that all americans own guns ๐Ÿ™‚ don’t you just love hollywood?

  10. ItAintEazy said, on November 2, 2007 at 8:09 am

    Okay, that was a cruel trick you played on your girlfriend. But you are already going to hell, so that’s okay ;^)

  11. Belthasar2 said, on November 2, 2007 at 8:45 am

    You really made the joke about giving her Megatron, instead of clothes?
    Az, do you have suicide tendencies (again)?
    Or maybe you are just daredevil …

  12. Gunlord said, on November 2, 2007 at 9:08 am

    “I used to scold my students for goofing around in class, but as it turns out, adults aren’t that much different.”
    HAHAHA! So fuckin’ true, man. ๐Ÿ™‚
    BTW, Az, if you don’t mind me asking, what *did* you actually get her for your birthday? It musta been something nice if she forgave you for the Megatron thing XD

  13. Anna said, on November 2, 2007 at 9:27 am

    Ok, that was fun. I had my doubts. I thought your storylines were getting dull without your teaching position to liven things up. But, this one was good. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. code monkey said, on November 2, 2007 at 9:35 am

    Hey! It’s Moeko’s Owl!!!
    A picture of your girlfriend upon seeing Megatron would’ve been really funny.

  15. Sekani said, on November 2, 2007 at 9:36 am

    No silly nickname for Doris? You’re slipping, man.
    But all I could come up with was something stupid like “Desk Nazi”, so… whatever.
    P.S.: Is that Moeko’s owl sitting behind Megatron?

  16. Jen said, on November 2, 2007 at 11:27 am

    XD I wish this was all on video or something so we could see the expression and play.
    One and only, stop being such a Japanophile.

  17. Shik said, on November 2, 2007 at 11:32 am

    James Lipton, he of Inside The Actor’s Studio interviews…Soundwave.
    Yes, THAT Soundwave.
    Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_Jok-XWQ_A
    Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tyRLkn_REk
    Apparently he did dinner theatre with Melvin Megatron.

  18. TheAntiKathy said, on November 2, 2007 at 11:51 am

    …I love Doris.

  19. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 11:54 am

    Moeko’s owl is as cute as ever. ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 11:54 am

    Moeko’s owl is as cute as ever. ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. hi said, on November 2, 2007 at 12:00 pm

    Cruel trick indeed. But at least it wasn’t cake mix like Yma got…ouch (LOL).
    Hey, I know you said something about your coworkers all having like 10 years on you and all, but wouldn’t that put them right in their prime?
    I mean….come on…never??

  22. dude said, on November 2, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    I used to think I read your blog because it’s a hilarious commentary on Japan.
    Now I realize that I read your blog because your relations of everyday life are hilarious regardless of the context.

  23. Nathan said, on November 2, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, Az. That whole border thing with Doris was absolutely hilarious.

  24. Jenna said, on November 2, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    I love the Japanese version of the Transformers Song
    You can fight! Transformaaa!!! We hope the only world!

  25. Eric said, on November 2, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    He was Lieutenant Gordon at the end of Batman Begins when he made the escalation quote.

  26. Shinkada said, on November 2, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    Absolutely hilarious story. Grade-freaken’-A. Even though I used to be a Wasian, I don’t know that many Asians personally. And with how unoriginal anime is, you get the same personalities all the time, so it’s easy to think of Asians as a whole as very… Well, boring, and one-dimensional people. Every time you actually tell us about someone over there with a PERSONALITY, it makes me laugh, because thanks to about 3 years of anime, the idea of a Chinese woman making jokes about Imperialism is just… It messes with my brain, and cracks me up without fail.
    Great stuff.

  27. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 6:57 pm

    I think you might still be a ‘Wasian’ (never heard that term before) if you’re trying to get a general idea of the personalities of Asians through anime.

  28. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 6:57 pm

    I think you might still be a ‘Wasian’ (never heard that term before) if you’re trying to get a general idea of the personalities of Asians through anime.

  29. Kat said, on November 2, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    Awe, I would have loved to have gotten a Megatron for my birthday. ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh well. I imagine your girlfriend’s face must have looked extremely hilarious! Poor girl.

  30. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 10:31 pm

    I got one of the new toys from the recent transformer movie. The big ass tank guy Brawl. His arsenal makes the old Megatron look inadequate.

  31. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 10:31 pm

    I got one of the new toys from the recent transformer movie. The big ass tank guy Brawl. His arsenal makes the old Megatron look inadequate.

  32. HiEv said, on November 2, 2007 at 11:02 pm

    Er… You changed “running” to “ruinning” instead of “ruining”. You might want to change the “;” to “:” on that line as well.
    Thanks, my OCD appreciates the corrections. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  33. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 1:18 am

    I liked this one.
    When you went missing for a month or so, then randomly sprang up with a new entry based solely on your own penis, I think many fans were profoundly disappointed. I’m quite glad you didn’t pursue that direction.

  34. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 1:18 am

    I liked this one.
    When you went missing for a month or so, then randomly sprang up with a new entry based solely on your own penis, I think many fans were profoundly disappointed. I’m quite glad you didn’t pursue that direction.

  35. Jenna said, on November 3, 2007 at 1:34 am

    Don’t know if anyone here has seen this. But this guy does 500 impressions of famous asian actors in 2 minutes.

  36. Prodigal Priest said, on November 3, 2007 at 3:48 am

    Of course, Moeko’s Owl would be with him people! ^^
    In a crazy fucked up world, it’s a sign that not all is down the crapper as of yet :).
    I live in New York myself Az. We’re not gun-crazy here… just paranoid xD.
    Nice post. Enjoyed the laughs majorly. And take care;).

  37. DaveJ said, on November 3, 2007 at 6:16 am

    If we really are what we buy, you sir are Megatron. Good show.

  38. Mighty_Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 7:05 am

    Wait, to oppose the Chinese you brought in an evil, alien robot war-lord? Isn’t that a bit like getting a wolf to guard the sheep from foxes?
    I must say that the new Megatron toy looks leagues better than the original one, especially with the older one’s inappropriately-placed trigger.

  39. Gomez said, on November 3, 2007 at 9:54 am

    I think ir was cool that she actually knew who Megatron was…

  40. K said, on November 3, 2007 at 11:05 am

    Count me in as another chick that would love for a guy to give her a Megatron for her birthday. That’s some black love, right there. /whitney houston

  41. jody said, on November 3, 2007 at 1:12 pm

    When I first started reading this post and you were talking about the papers on the desk being pushed from side to side, I immediately thought of Dwight from The Office (one of the greatest shows on television). Whenever his co-worker, Jim, has papers sliding onto his desk, Dwight makes it a big deal to shove the papers back.
    Anywho, another great post, Az! Take care.

  42. Shamie said, on November 3, 2007 at 3:46 pm

    … your poor girlfriend! I always feel bad about pranks like that. Oh, and “You don’t need anymore cows! Eat more rice.” NO. I believe you were the one that said God made cows for us to eat, otherwise he wouldn’t have made them so stupid and delicious.

  43. Fรซaluinix said, on November 3, 2007 at 7:24 pm

    Doris Atkins? Wouldn’t Atkins have you eat MORE cow and LESS rice??

  44. K-Prime said, on November 3, 2007 at 8:44 pm

    Oh, fuck yeah! The Revoltech line’s Megatron!! I totally wanted to get me that one! But, tangently related to your own idea, it made a much better present…for my older brother, not my girlfriend.
    But, either way, I applaud your excellent taste in action figures!

  45. Eric of Oregon said, on November 4, 2007 at 12:15 am

    Wow, if I was your boss, I would have fired you if I found this blog post. Then I would rehire you because it’s funny, and office antics are fun*.
    *Someone at work keeps putting lipstick on my coffee cup…

  46. Anonymous said, on November 4, 2007 at 6:10 am

    oh dude โค you Az,
    “HES NOT EVEN ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS!”
    hahaha!
    keep up with the office politic!
    you rock dude, awesome!

  47. Anonymous said, on November 4, 2007 at 6:10 am

    oh dude โค you Az,
    “HES NOT EVEN ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS!”
    hahaha!
    keep up with the office politic!
    you rock dude, awesome!

  48. Black Dog Knight Commander said, on November 4, 2007 at 8:19 am


    Japanese opening for Headmasters sung by Kageyama, who did the many theme songs for Dragona BAll Z and Sentai series. From what I can understand this song actually appears to have something to do with Transformers. Any translators here ?

  49. Colin said, on November 4, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    *sigh* You couldn’t have surreptitiously videotaped your girlfriend’s reaction for us, Az? With a little narration and backstory, it could’ve made for the greatest Youtube video EVER. Take that, dramatic chipmunk.

  50. hipster said, on November 4, 2007 at 8:32 pm

    Az, you an evil, evil man.
    And Doris sounds like a bundle of fun. ๐Ÿ™‚

  51. Deimos said, on November 5, 2007 at 3:34 am

    Awesome, don’t screw with Megatron baby!

  52. LM said, on November 5, 2007 at 3:47 am

    Brilliant post! First the Megatron Birthday (I gotta try that), then Doris posing Megatron when you’re away. Ha ha ha!

  53. BrianfromNazareth said, on November 5, 2007 at 6:05 am

    I once brought my cousin a music CD for birthday, but I replaced the original cover with the Iron Maiden: Powerslave. He made a nice WTF expression.

  54. Ben said, on November 5, 2007 at 12:01 pm

    So Megatron transforms into a gun. I get that, bit lame but whatever. But when he’s a robot, not only is he a giant powerful man made out of metal, with opposable thumbs, but he has THE SAME GUN on his arm. Why would he ever transform?
    (Az’s Note: It’s not the same gun, the fusion cannon on his arm becomes his scope in gun mode. The barrel of the gun rests behind his back in robot mode.
    …The transformation is pretty lame though, and indeed, Megatron didn’t transform much throughout the series. It’s implied that the shots he fires from the gun mode are stronger though.)

  55. Natasha said, on November 5, 2007 at 8:18 pm

    I just heard a joke about rectally inserting medicine. I instantly thought, “I should check ‘Gaijin Smash’ for updates.” Rectally inserted medication will always remind me of you.

  56. Rick Steed said, on November 5, 2007 at 9:31 pm

    Great post Az!
    I’m sure you have a bigger gun than Megatron ๐Ÿ˜‰ and you offered it to your gf for her birthday . hehehe

  57. Yaaka said, on November 5, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    FALL!!! FAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!!

  58. Giggy said, on November 6, 2007 at 12:10 am

    LOL. Outstanding work, Az!
    BTW, Gordon was a Lieutenant at the time, not a Commisioner.

  59. Sius said, on November 6, 2007 at 9:10 am

    I played a similar thing on my gf… except it was our anniversary and there was a neclace in a WoW box… I`m sorry i didn`t take a picture as the expresion on her face was pure dissapointment.

  60. Andres0082 said, on November 6, 2007 at 1:37 pm

    Hey ther az
    great posts, been a fan since day one, i have a brother who made a year exchange program, hearing his stories and yours always cracks me up
    keep up the good work, big holla frm Ecuador

  61. autumnfire said, on November 6, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    That’s so…bittersweet. You had a co-worker who was fun to be around and tease and who gave as good as she got. Sure they can’t move her desk back next to yours?

  62. Orion said, on November 7, 2007 at 12:29 am

    My great joke only lasted about a minute though, I think she actually was going to get up and leave me right there on the spot. I brought out her real presents, and we both had a laugh over the Megatron Birthday.
    You have an incredibly understanding girlfriend. I recommend you marry that girl as soon as possible to reduce the risk of losing her.
    Oh, I gave my significant other a sewing machine on her birthday once. She’d been complaining the one she hed was old and didn’t work very well, I thought she was hinting. Big mistake: she wouldn’t speak to me for a month and since then it’s been gold jewelry all the way.

  63. Shinee said, on November 13, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    I honestly dunno if I’d be happy or pissed if I was your girlfriend… XD but that’s quite the idea for a stunt I could pull… *giggles like a mad woman*
    Awesomeness as always, I started missing these little gems.

  64. Skiba said, on November 25, 2007 at 8:59 pm

    For the record, *I* would be impressed if my boyfriend bought me a Megatron action figure. That’d be pretty sweet. ๐Ÿ˜€

  65. yasir said, on November 26, 2007 at 1:00 am

    Aahhahahah doris atkins!

  66. Ishi said, on June 30, 2008 at 2:35 am

    Oh Shit Son! That Megatron is one of the BADDEST looking action figures i have ever seen!. you are so damn lucky. i bought a Gundamn once…it was alright,but if i had an anniversary collection Optimus Prime or Megatron,he might actually still have one of his arms by now…

  67. Anonymous said, on September 18, 2008 at 10:52 am

    Wow. That is one of the most Ironic things I’ve ever read.
    One of my best friends here at college is a korean, see. And his girlfriend is also Korean (Right. Go figure).
    We were at wal-mart one day, and I decided to swing around by the toy isle to see if they had anything awesome in terms of transformers for my dorm. She asked what I was doing, and I told ’em I was looking for transformers.
    She told me Megatron was hot. She would tap that.
    I just looked at her boyfriend with one of those “Jeezus, dude… Gratz” looks.
    So yeah, Korean chicks are turned on by the evil.

  68. Anonymous said, on September 18, 2008 at 10:52 am

    Wow. That is one of the most Ironic things I’ve ever read.
    One of my best friends here at college is a korean, see. And his girlfriend is also Korean (Right. Go figure).
    We were at wal-mart one day, and I decided to swing around by the toy isle to see if they had anything awesome in terms of transformers for my dorm. She asked what I was doing, and I told ’em I was looking for transformers.
    She told me Megatron was hot. She would tap that.
    I just looked at her boyfriend with one of those “Jeezus, dude… Gratz” looks.
    So yeah, Korean chicks are turned on by the evil.

  69. Deity said, on November 25, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    I’m back-dating the past entries, they never get old. I hope you still have Moeko’s owl around. =D


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