Gaijin Smash

You Are What You Buy, Cont.

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on October 30, 2007

Continuing the look at Japanese society through the things they pay money for.
You know, anytime strange Japanese products come up, someone is bound to ask about the porn, or used-panty vending machines. I’ve been in Japan for over 4 years now, and in that time I’ve only see maybe 3-4 porn boxes, and maybe one panty vending machine. Maybe they just don’t have these things in Kansai? The times I saw them, I’m pretty sure I was in Tokyo, or at least in that general area.
Maybe I’ve been here for too long, but I honestly can’t say I see what the problem with a porn vending machine is. With the internet these days its sort of unnecessary, but back in the day I would have loved to have had a porn vending machine. Instead of trying to pilfer away Dad’s stash (or ask him directly…Lord knows he would have given it to me) I could have just hit up a vending machine and bam, porn. It also saves for awkward interactions at a porn shop. I always feel that it gives away too much of my intimate little details to the random store clerk who has to ring it up. We don’t even know each other’s names, but now this person knows that I get my rocks off to lesbian porn, giant black cocks on tiny Japanese holes, farm girls, or girls from Dakota who like to eat Klondike bars while using Hello Kitty vibrators (aisle 4, if you’re interested…).
Anyway, enough about me and my fetishes. Back to the Japanese.


First, before viewing any links, go to the main page, or else the links won’t work.
Also, before I get to the new stuff, I’m happy to report that we seem to have new stock of Juvenile Pink Cream 2, the nipple-pinkening cream. So, if you were sitting at home fretting over your midnight nipples, your worries are over! Just grab some Juvenile Pink Cream 2 and get back those virginal-like nipples!
Am I the only one kinda weirded out by the name though? Juvenile Pink Cream 2. That’s not the translation either, that’s the actual Japanese name for the product. What exactly were they trying to go for here? “Use our product and you too can have the pink nipples of a taut 7-year old!” Goddamn this country and its pedo-bear ways.
Four Seasons – I mentioned before that the Japanese love their “unique” four seasons. Nearly everything the Japanese do is seasonal – the menu at restaurants change according to the seasons, the food you can buy at convenience stores also change, and there are many areas in which the Japanese change their preference and activities based on the season.
Including, apparently, sex.
So here we have a set of condoms, a different ribbing for each season. Not weird per se, but I can’t say I ever would have thought of this. I guess that just goes to show you the differences in our cultures…
Japanese Man: Hmm, it looks as if I’m going to have sex tonight. Since it is October, I should use the autumn condoms.
Me: Gonna have sex tonight gonna have sex tonight gonna have sex tonight WHEE!
It isn’t just seasonal, we also have a line of condoms that differ for each day, the Weekly Condom III Set. Again, I guess it could be fun, but I’m usually just not giving that much thought to my condom selections here. I also find it extremely optimistic to have condoms for every day of the week. Maybe I just don’t date the right girls.
Oh, but please do check out the ribbing on the “Happy” (ハッピー) condom. Dear God, what is that? Is that supposed to be a condom, or a medieval torture weapon?
Victoria Rose – Ever hear of the saying “your shit don’t smell like roses”? Well, apparently the Japanese have a solution for that. I’m not sure if this was the exact name of the product, but it was a capsule that women were to take once a day, that would make them, in general, smell like roses. The effect was supposed to also spread to their bowel movements as well, producing rose-smelling shit.
Now, here’s a product I really just can’t get on board with. Shit stinks, and that’s just the way of life. I would be weirded out to use the bathroom after some Japanese lady and discover and fresh and airy rose smell. Not that I like the smell of shit, absolutely not. But for shit not to stink…it’s just unnatural. It’s like taking a huge bite out of a hamburger and tasting macaroni and cheese. The Matrix has been glitched or something.
Again, I’d love to link you all to a product page, but this is another item of which we’re all sold out. So if you ever go into a bathroom and find it smelling like roses…well now you know why.
Incidentally, this kind of reminds me of the bathroom back in high school. It always smelled like strawberries and shit. Yes, you read that right, strawberries and shit. It always smelled that way, it didn’t matter if you went in in the middle of the day, or right after the morning cleaning. I could never figure it out – the shit was a given, but why strawberries? Is there a strawberry version of the Victoria Rose that perhaps some guy was taking? And even if that were true, why did it always smell like that? Was the guy taking constant shits? Or perhaps it was some one massive, nuclear strawberry shit, and the fall-out affected us for years to come? To date, this remains one of my personal little unsolved mysteries.
Glamorous D – Okay, so most Japanese women have small to non-existent breasts. This is just a given. Of course, they want bigger boobies, but not all are willing to go under the knife for them. Can’t say I blame them. That’s where the “other” products come into play, and here is one such product.
(Sorry the info page is in Japanese incidentally – we used to carry this product, apparently we don’t anymore but I found it at the original source.)
It’s basically just a suction cup. A woman puts the cups on her breasts, and its warming properties and sucking action will draw out her breasts and make them bigger. Theoretically. I don’t know if it works, don’t ask me. I would assume no, because if it did really work, it’d be a whole lot more well-known, and a whole lot more expensive than just 3,000 yen. But take a look at the picture on the left side of the screen. These cups have apparently enough suction to grip a bowling ball. A bowling ball! Is that healthy? I don’t have breasts (obviously) but I’m just thinking about attaching some kind of cone to my penis that could possibly have enough suction force to grip a bowling ball….no sir, I don’t like it. Octopus all over again. It also sounds like the climax of the worst penis story you may have ever heard*, and I certainly don’t want to be the butt of that punchline.
*For the worst penis story I’ve heard to date (excluding my own), I’m just going to quote my old college roommate here. “You want to know what the worst question is? My friend’s mom is an EMT, and once they responded to this call where a guy got a ketchup bottle stuck on his penis. “How did you get a ketchup bottle stuck on your penis?”, that’s the worst question ever. I don’t even want to know the truth, tell me anything and I’ll believe it. Tell me that Abraham Lincoln came back from the dead, thought you were John Wilkes Booth, put a ketchup bottle on your penis, and then burst into flames. ”
But anyway, I also doubt the effectiveness of this product, because if just warm sucking action could get breasts to grow bigger, my girlfriend would undoubtedly be a G-cup by now. However, I do believe that this is a concept worth further study. I’m going to set up the Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking. I will dedicate the remainder of my life to finding out if warmly sucking breasts can indeed increase cup size. Ladies, if you’d like to take part in this thrilling and exciting new research, please send a picture of your breasts to the institution and we’ll send you out an application.
The Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking. For a rounder, fuller tomorrow.

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53 Responses

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  1. liro said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:26 am

    I love the small inset of the pink-creme. Seeing the product smeared on a piece of paper definitely makes me want it more, and I can tell that it’s working. It reminds me of

  2. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:29 am

    Another interesting post- keep up the good work updating us on strange Japanese goods!
    By the way, did you notice the bruise on the arm of the model for Glamorous D? You can see it in the second picture under the bowling ball. Perhaps caused by a mishap while attempting to attach the product?

  3. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:29 am

    Another interesting post- keep up the good work updating us on strange Japanese goods!
    By the way, did you notice the bruise on the arm of the model for Glamorous D? You can see it in the second picture under the bowling ball. Perhaps caused by a mishap while attempting to attach the product?

  4. James said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:36 am

    Had a big laugh Az, Specially at the “The Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking”.
    Love your blog, keep it up!

  5. draglancer said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:46 am

    Woo.. Good finds. Glad to see you are alive again Az. Do you have any more position available TIFBBTWS(had to shorten it.. too long)? I would love to participate as well. 😀
    And I really don’t want my shit to smell like Roses.. just never did work out in my mind either.

  6. Jack said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:50 am

    Haha, I can’t imagine ever purchasing such products. Never will I ever see the point in making shit smell nice either. Whatever would a person do with nice smelling shit? Leave it there to sniff at a few moments before finally flushing it down?
    I agree with the porn vending machine. It can also come with excuses as to why one is suddenly holding a porn mag. “I thought I bought a coke!”

  7. Rorshak said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:52 am

    Who buys this crap?
    Wait, I don’t think I want to know.

  8. CHM said, on October 30, 2007 at 2:13 am

    “”. I’m going to set up the Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking. “”
    …uhm… can i intern?

  9. Dave said, on October 30, 2007 at 4:04 am

    Dear chairman of the IFBBTWS, my japanese GF has often asked me to massage her breats in a warm, sucking way, because “everybody know” in japane that it makes them bigger.
    alsao, have you heard of the NOVA bankruptcy ?

  10. hampus said, on October 30, 2007 at 5:41 am

    If you log out from the website before you copy the links you probably wont have the problem anymore.

  11. BrianfromNazareth said, on October 30, 2007 at 6:24 am

    Ketchup bottle stuck on penis? Was this inspiration for Weird Al’s Weenie in the bottle or was it the other way?

  12. Purple D said, on October 30, 2007 at 10:14 am

    I have the answer to the Victoria Rose thing, but I can’t convey it correctly. It’s kinda the same reason there are little ‘flush noise’ buttons on the toilets. Anyway, I doubt that works either. The only things strong enough to permeate one’s entire being are things you DON’T want to smell like, like garlic, onion, and kimchi. :/
    Glamorous D: It doesn’t make them bigger, it does bruise them and look stupid and slightly saggy, though. Love how they’ve got a black girl on the box. 😄 I’m not sure whether to take that as a compliment or not. Muahaha…titty envy.

  13. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 10:18 am

    I wonder if the rose smelling supplement would work for a cat. My cat has the foulest smelling crap in existence.

  14. Uthman said, on October 30, 2007 at 10:43 am

    I live in Hikone in Shiga Prefecture, pretty damned Kansai, and we’ve got a porn/panty vending machine complex, it’s in a yellow shed and contains porn DVDs, panties, lube, sex toys for men and women, and reading material. It’s everywhere, man.

  15. ItAintEazy said, on October 30, 2007 at 10:55 am

    Man, you don’t know how many women I had to turn away because their nipples weren’t pink enough or their shit smelled too much like, well, shit. Thanks to you, nobody’s feelings will ever have to be hurt anymore X^D

  16. Amanda said, on October 30, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    I’m getting flashbacks of Mahoromatic season 2 here with the breast-suction thingy…@.@

  17. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    I looked up the octopus on urbandictionary dot com and a reference to Az is the number 1 definition. Grats Az

  18. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    I looked up the octopus on urbandictionary dot com and a reference to Az is the number 1 definition. Grats Az

  19. Jon said, on October 30, 2007 at 4:15 pm

    Eeeewwww… Juvenile Pink Cream 2?! Was there ever a Juvenile Pink Cream #1?

  20. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    The smell of the HS bathrooms comes from cleaners the janitors use 🙂
    ❤ ya az, these are great!

  21. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    The smell of the HS bathrooms comes from cleaners the janitors use 🙂
    ❤ ya az, these are great!

  22. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    About the strawberry smell, couldn’t it have been the smell from some sort of spray or perfume used in some bathrooms to ward off bad odours? They had such a thing in the bathroom at my former job, where it always smelled like vanilla.

  23. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    About the strawberry smell, couldn’t it have been the smell from some sort of spray or perfume used in some bathrooms to ward off bad odours? They had such a thing in the bathroom at my former job, where it always smelled like vanilla.

  24. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    you know i was watching G4 back a year a go or 2 and they were doing a segment on the Adult entertainment expo and suposidly there was lertally a penis pump. where they would use practically a glorified vacuum to make some guys penis bigger. so the Glorious D might be possible.

  25. Anonymous said, on October 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    you know i was watching G4 back a year a go or 2 and they were doing a segment on the Adult entertainment expo and suposidly there was lertally a penis pump. where they would use practically a glorified vacuum to make some guys penis bigger. so the Glorious D might be possible.

  26. HiEv said, on October 30, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    Interesting theory on the penis pump, Anonymous, but studies say that they don’t work. Breast pumps, herbal “growth” pills, hanging weights from your penis (yipes!), and the rest of that crap don’t work either. According to those studies, the only reliable method for permanently lengthening the penis or increasing breast size is surgery, which includes the related risks.
    Sorry unendowed boys and girls, don’t believe the spammers, there are no shortcuts.

  27. Anonymous2! said, on October 30, 2007 at 9:19 pm

    Az,
    Been living in Japan for 15 years or so (I know, I know… don’t ask OK!)
    The porn & panty vending machines have largely disappeared but they USED to be everywhere. In quite a few places you could walk down to the “vending machine corner,” and pick up beer, cigarettes, used panties, porn, and hey, while you’re at it, a battery powered er… you get the picture!

  28. Patrick said, on October 30, 2007 at 11:16 pm

    Some… interesting products this time. And if you need a night-shift guy at the institute, I could pull it off. I would need sponsorship to enter the country, but as it’s for something so noble, how can they turn me down?

  29. Anonymous said, on October 31, 2007 at 12:56 am

    About that institute – you`ll be recieving my resume.
    About the recent change of topic in your blog. I actually miss you talking about japanese schoolgirls trying to breast-huggle you or steal fake money away from you by offering you their said virginity.

  30. Anonymous said, on October 31, 2007 at 12:56 am

    About that institute – you`ll be recieving my resume.
    About the recent change of topic in your blog. I actually miss you talking about japanese schoolgirls trying to breast-huggle you or steal fake money away from you by offering you their said virginity.

  31. JH from Finland said, on October 31, 2007 at 11:03 am

    I don’t know what the text beside the 4 little pictures on the Glamorous D page say, but I’m guessing:
    1. Purchase product.
    2. Place upon breasts.
    3. ????
    4. Profit!

  32. Fate said, on October 31, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    There is at least another method, HiEv. By supplementing the individual with certain combination of hormones can stimulate further breast tissue growth. Like the kind you get during pregnancy and lactation, for an example.
    I personally think though, that the easiest way would be to fatten yourself. I don’t think I ever saw that fail. The offset is, of course, that the growth isn’t limited to the breasts.

  33. Neil said, on October 31, 2007 at 2:34 pm

    …How do you always manage to find these extremely out of the ordinary jobs?

  34. Anonymous said, on October 31, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    There is a also nipple pinkening product from Benefit, a major American cosmetics company. It’s called Benetint, and while packaging only mentions using it on the lips and cheeks, it was originally developed/marketed as a nipple and vulva pinking stain.
    http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P1272

  35. Anonymous said, on October 31, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    There is a also nipple pinkening product from Benefit, a major American cosmetics company. It’s called Benetint, and while packaging only mentions using it on the lips and cheeks, it was originally developed/marketed as a nipple and vulva pinking stain.
    http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P1272

  36. Lissou said, on November 1, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    In France (I’m French), videos have been sold at machine for years now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a video store that needed you to go to a clerk to get your DVD. There is a clerk inside all right (I used to be one) but only a few hours a day, and to create new member cards.
    You put your member card (or credit card) in the machine (that’s outside, incidentally, so accessible 24/7), and the DVD comes out in a CD case. Which is black, so you can’t see through it.
    So, you can get your porn, have people in a line behind you, and have nobody know it’s porn. And you can return it the same way.
    Also, my husband (who’s canadian) tells me he’s always bought porn instead of renting it. you know, you he needs to face someone only ONCE, when buying, rather than twice (renting it and bringing it back). Well with the French system, you can rent it without facing anyone ever.
    By the way, it’s not “porn machines”. It’s the same with any DVDs (or VHS, when we still had them).
    But porn vending machines don’t shock me.
    Used-panty vending machines, on the other hand, I find… werid and a bit creepy. But hey, if people want to buy them and women don’t mind, why not (I would never sell used underwear. no matter how much you’d pay me. I’d just pretend it’s used and give you a clean one, and take the money, if it’s a really bi sum.)

  37. Anonymous said, on November 1, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    I remember seeing a tacky (British) TV show about women who were lacking in confidence about their boobs, and one of them tried those suction things. Not sure if it worked at all, but if it did it was barely noticeable and only temporary. Also it looked very painful and uncomfortable.. those swollen, purple breasts with marks from the rims of the cups around them. It wasn’t pretty.

  38. Anonymous said, on November 1, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    I remember seeing a tacky (British) TV show about women who were lacking in confidence about their boobs, and one of them tried those suction things. Not sure if it worked at all, but if it did it was barely noticeable and only temporary. Also it looked very painful and uncomfortable.. those swollen, purple breasts with marks from the rims of the cups around them. It wasn’t pretty.

  39. aj said, on November 2, 2007 at 4:17 am

    not sure if this has been put up already but you tube has a infomercial for the enlargement pump its freaking hilarious.

  40. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 4:21 am

    Heh, it took me a while to decipher the name of one of the condoms. It’s written [ro][n][gu] so it could be read as “wrong” but I’m guessing it’s supposed to be read as “long” … The other two appear to be “passion” and “happy” but what the hell is [da][i][ya]? If that’s supposed to be the katakana version of an English word, the closest one I can find is “dire” which just sounds… err, rongu 🙂
    Kinda like the part that says “No Exchange or Return Possible”

  41. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 4:21 am

    Heh, it took me a while to decipher the name of one of the condoms. It’s written [ro][n][gu] so it could be read as “wrong” but I’m guessing it’s supposed to be read as “long” … The other two appear to be “passion” and “happy” but what the hell is [da][i][ya]? If that’s supposed to be the katakana version of an English word, the closest one I can find is “dire” which just sounds… err, rongu 🙂
    Kinda like the part that says “No Exchange or Return Possible”

  42. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    perhaps the mystery of the great american strawberry shit can be solved by air fresheners on the toilets and urinals that go off when they’re flushed.

  43. Anonymous said, on November 2, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    perhaps the mystery of the great american strawberry shit can be solved by air fresheners on the toilets and urinals that go off when they’re flushed.

  44. Whisper said, on November 3, 2007 at 3:01 am

    lolololol, Sending. Tit pic. Nao.

  45. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    I love how even the condom pages have links to the [clothing] size guide… It’s unfortunate that they don’t cover condom sizes – given Az’s experience in that area, it would have to be pretty hilarious.

  46. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    I love how even the condom pages have links to the [clothing] size guide… It’s unfortunate that they don’t cover condom sizes – given Az’s experience in that area, it would have to be pretty hilarious.

  47. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    My mom used to work in the ER, and one time they got a couple that was, well, stuck together. Apparently her vaginal muscles cramped while they were having sex. Not quite as embarrassing in the long scheme of things, but probably rather painful nonetheless. The woman who came in with a squeaky carrot toy stuck in her vagina, however…

  48. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    My mom used to work in the ER, and one time they got a couple that was, well, stuck together. Apparently her vaginal muscles cramped while they were having sex. Not quite as embarrassing in the long scheme of things, but probably rather painful nonetheless. The woman who came in with a squeaky carrot toy stuck in her vagina, however…

  49. STD said, on November 4, 2007 at 3:00 am

    “Incidentally, this kind of reminds me of the bathroom back in high school. It always smelled like strawberries and shit. … I could never figure it out – the shit was a given, but why strawberries? … To date, this remains one of my personal little unsolved mysteries.”
    Quite possibly the cleaning agent used in the bathrooms had a strawberry scent to it. Since bathrooms (especially high school bathrooms) are not really known for their ventilation, the room never got a chance to ‘air out’, leading to the constant cloying scent of strawberries and shit.

  50. Mycroft said, on November 5, 2007 at 6:43 am

    Well, Az, the “Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking” might go bankrupt. I just read an article about chewing gum that made breasts grow. I don’t have the link in English…but guess who invented them!?! The Japanese of course. 70% of the women who tried said that they had 80% more visible results.
    Watch out for what gum you might buy Az…

  51. Over in Hirakata said, on November 5, 2007 at 12:20 pm

    I can beat your penis stories. My friends mum started work as a nurse at our local hospital (in England, incidently), rolled home after her first day of work in a foul mood, annoucing, “What the hell is it with men these days!?”
    “What happened?” we inquire, innocent (ahahahah) like and 14.
    “I have spend all day, no kidding, all DAY sewing up lacerated penis’s! When will they fucking learn not to stick them in the sodding vaccum cleaners?”
    Let this be a lesson to you boys. it’s a trap. A painful painful trap and your dignity will not be spared by the ‘nice’ nurse afterwards.

  52. Bessy_the_cow said, on November 11, 2007 at 10:44 pm

    daiya is short for the Japanese word for diamond.

  53. Corey said, on December 2, 2007 at 9:45 pm

    I don’t know if anyone else noticed it, but I love how the “Glamorous D” breast enhancers had a picture of a big breasted black party girl on the box. Fuckin’ A.


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