Gaijin Smash

Abuse of the Trouser Snake

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on October 5, 2007

Another reason why updates have slowed down lately is that I’m kind of going through a rough period right now. Professionally, romantically, financially, a lot of things are tough at the moment. Even if I did have the time to write something…it wouldn’t be very good. I don’t want to just throw up any ‘ol crap here and call it a day.
I can only assume, that during these down periods of my life, I’m paying in Karma Points for something terrible I did before. I used to theorize that it was something I’d done in a past life…like perhaps I was Napoleon, Mussolini, or Rodney Dangerfield (sorry buddy…still no respect…). I realized recently though that I really only have to look at my time in Japan to see my most horrible and heinous crimes against humanity. And no, I’m not talking about passing through a few train gates without paying. I mean, abusing the power the comes with my big black penis.
I’m not even talking about the time when I nearly cock-slapped an old Japanese woman. That’s something that’s just special in its own right. I think the only reason I’m alive now is because I didn’t give the ol’ obasan a chocolate whip-snake to the face. If I had, I imagine The Hand of God would have descended down from the heavens at that very moment, and bug-flicked me right out of existence.
Aside from that incident, there have been other instances of Gaijin Negro Penis Abuse, that I feel that I’m paying for now. Well, they say confession is the first step to absolution, and seeing as there are no immediate confessionals in my immediate area, you all will have to do. Congratulations, you all have now become my personal Catholic priests. Just resist the urge to go out and inappropriately touch any of the altar boys, okay? Let’s leave that to the professionals – Republican senators.
…Geez, it’s still only the introduction of this post, and is there any group of people I *haven’t* managed to piss off yet?
Anyway, forgive me Father(s), for I have sinned.


***
One day a few years back, I had to go buy some condoms. I ran out of the ones my Mom had gracefully sent, and aside from the embarrassment for asking for more condoms, it wasn’t really a situation where I could wait a week for them to arrive. So I headed to a local drug store to pick some up.
I have ranted in the past about how thin and uncomfortable Japanese condoms are. However, it seems that there is a brand that is actually somewhat wearable. They were recommended to me by an Australian friend, who swore by them. The only problem is that I forgot what the brand name was. At this time, my kanji level wasn’t that good, so even if the box did say “extra wide”, I wouldn’t have been able to tell. I suppose I could have just gone for the brand with the picture of the horse on the box. But, I dunno – there’s just something about having a motherfucking HORSE on the box that intimidates me. I’m afraid that if I do buy them, I’ll open them up only to find a couple of Glad Bags neatly stuffed inside.
So, I really only had one option left – ask a store clerk. And this posed an interesting dilemma – do I ask a guy, or a girl? I didn’t think the girls would have any reason to know the first thing about condom brands. But asking the guy about large condoms – me, big black American dude, asking little petite Japanese dude, if his country makes condoms for people with penises bigger than his. Seemed like it might be pretty insulting. I might as well just whip it out and slap him with it. Okay, I’ll go with the girl then.
Somewhere along the way though, my simple question got a bit corrupted. Instead of just asking about large condoms, I thought perhaps I would ask where they kept the condoms. And better yet, do so in English! The store clerk, being Japanese and naturally not speaking English, wouldn’t understand what I was saying. I could then do the thing where people think if you say it louder and slower, that the person who doesn’t understand your language will somehow develop telepathic powers and magically understand you. I could even start using gestures too. It’s an absolutely awful thing to do, I know.
Anyway, so I find a young, cute female store clerk, my intended victim of my shenanigans. I flag her down, and putting on a mock shy/embarrassed bit, I ask her in English, “Um, excuse me, but would you happen to know where the condoms are?” The girl smiles at me, and says “Yes, right this way” in English. She then leads me to the condom aisle, and, also in English, points out the brands that are made bigger and are better suited for foreign guys.
Um…wow? Boy, did I pick the wrong girl. I guess a couple of hundred other foreign guys had the exact same idea as I did…and beat me to it.
***
If you think that’s bad, the worst is yet to come.
***
Back in my teacher days, one day I was asked to keep watch over a classroom while the teacher was out doing…who knows what. Hard narcotics, perhaps. I went out to the classroom and found some ninensei girls chatting inside. Absorbed in conversation, they didn’t really hear me as I approached and entered the classroom. Most of the girls were gathered around one girl, who seemed to be explaining something to them.
Girl: Now, there all sorts of different types. Long and thin, short and stumpy, taut, floppy, etc. And some are cut, while others are not.
…What in blue tarnation is she talking about? At this point, I decide to butt into the conversation.
Me: …What’s taut, floppy, cut, uncut, and so forth?
Girls: *gasping, giggling* Oh no, it’s Az-sensei!
Girl 1: *unabashed* Oh, you know what we were talking about.
Me: …No I don’t. Enlighten me.
Girl 1: Sure you do. It’s something you have, but we girls don’t.
Me: …An appreciation for full-contact sports?
Girl 1: No…you know.
Me: You don’t mean…?
Girls: *shy little giggles*
Me: Oh God, you do.
Girl 1: Like I was saying, there are all sorts of different types!
Me: And, how would you know about that?
Girl 1: *quickly* Onsens.
Me: …Onsens?
Girl 1: Yeah, onsens. You know, my father used to take me into the male side when I was younger. I was pretty curious, so I always made observations.
Even if we are to believe her “onsens” story, it’s still an absolutely disturbing thought. That somewhere in Japan, right this very minute, there might be a pre-teen girl standing amidst a throng of naked Japanese men, making observations and thinking stuff like “okay, that must be a short and stumpy one.”
I decided that whatever the outcome, this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to be a part of. I excused myself from the circle and went to sit over at the front of the class. Normally, I would have walked away, but remember, I was supposed to be “protecting” this classroom. The girls continue on with their round-table penis discussion. You know, when I was a 14-year old boy, I don’t remember having intimately detailed discussions about the vagina with my male buddies. Any talk about the vagina was limited to how it was a magical candy-filled wonderland, and how much we wanted to go to it.
Anyway, the discussion continues.
Girl 2: Well, what happens during sex? Don’t they change?
Girl 1: I’m pretty sure they do.
Girl 3: I heard they get a lot bigger!
Girl 4: I heard they don’t get bigger, just harder.
Girl 2: I heard that one too.
Girl 5: Oh, but I’ve heard about the getting bigger thing as well.
Girl 3: Maybe its both? I dunno…
Me: Hey God. If there is a God in Heaven, please, please, PLEASE do *not* let them…
Girl 1: *you can more or less see the lightbulb go off in her head as she turns to me* Hey Az, which one is it? Do they get bigger, or just harder? Or both?
Me: …To hell I send thee, eh?
Girl 2: C’mon, tell us!
Me: Seriously – why do you think I’d ever enter into a conversation about penises with a group of middle school girls. Do I look THAT irresponsible?
Girl 2: It’s not irresponsibility.
Girl 4: Yeah, we’re just curious.
Girl 3: Seriously, it’s just anatomy.
Girl 1: And if you don’t tell us, then we’re proabably going to go out and find out from some other source. Can you even think of all the potential trouble a group of 14-year old girls can get into trying to find out what an erect penis is like?
Me: ……Jesus jumpin’ jehosevat.
Girl 2: So yeah, you tell us, our curiosity is satisfied, end of the story. Simple, isn’t it?
Me: ………Okay, fine.
…I KNOW. Not the best idea. Hindsight is 20/20. Plowing the Titanic through an iceberg field? Not the best idea. Trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees? Not the best idea. Accepting an oral sex maneuver named “The Octopus” from a slutty Japanese girl? Not the best idea. Giving Sarah Silverman her own TV show? Not the best idea.
Me: It depends on the guy.
Girl 1: Huh? What do you mean?
Me: Well, some guys get harder and bigger, while other guys just get harder and the size doesn’t change.
Girls: *in unison* Ohhhhhh I see.
Me: Okay, there. I’ve answered your question. Curiousity over, right? Now can you go back to talking about celebrity gossip or daisies or Hello Kitty or whatever shit you girls talk about?
Girl 2: I see…so some guys get bigger and harder, while some guys just get harder.
Girl 1: Hey Az, which are you?
Me: ….See, there’s a question I am NEVER going to answer.
I may be stupid, but I’m not fundamentally retarded…
Chris Hansen: Allright Az, you’re going to have to come with me. You’re under arrest for inappropriate acts with a Japanese schoolgirl.
Me: What? I never…
Chris Hansen: Our brave young victim has come forth and is speaking out…
Girl 1: Hi Az!
Me: WTF! I never touched that bitch!
Girl 1: Sure you did. You touched me in all my special forbidden places, and then your penis got bigger and harder!
Chris Hansen: I’ve heard enough. Let’s take this sicko away.
***
So Father, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to never use the powers bestowed to my penis for evil again. I will only use it for the betterment of Japanese society, and to improve the quality of life for all humanity as a whole.

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81 Responses

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  1. Fam Fams said, on October 5, 2007 at 2:13 am

    I cant continue reading the post. :-S I’m at work.

  2. not a doktor said, on October 5, 2007 at 2:21 am

    lol dong

  3. Tuan Jim said, on October 5, 2007 at 2:24 am

    Totally irrelevant to this post, but I just saw this article in the newspaper and the first thing I thought about was you: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071004/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_japan_gift — mainly the online japanese clothing store part.
    Anyhoo, in your position, I probably just would have left the room.
    Hope things pick up.

  4. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 3:02 am

    Good to see you back Az. I live in Japan and I have a couple of little (preschool) kids. I take them both to swim class on the weekends. So, of course, my daughter is in the men’s room changing with me. I don’t know if she’s checking out all the guys though. She’s a little young.
    However, the swimming pool recently put up a sign that basically says “Moms – you are *not* allowed to go through the men’s changing room. Use the women’s room like you are supposed to.” Yes, many of the mothers like to come in through the men’s room to pick up their sons from the pool. I saw one in there the other day and we had a conversation like this (in Japanese):
    Me: “You know, this is the men’s locker room. The ladies room is on the other side” (I’m assuming that she wasn’t paying attention to the signs)
    Her: “That’s so, isn’t it. (so desu ne)”
    Me: “Yes…you know I can’t go into the ladies room” (let’s try for indirect)
    Her: “So desu ne”
    Me: (giving up on discretion) “Aren’t you being a little weird? (chotto hen desu ne)”
    At that point I think she got it and left for the other side.

  5. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 3:02 am

    Good to see you back Az. I live in Japan and I have a couple of little (preschool) kids. I take them both to swim class on the weekends. So, of course, my daughter is in the men’s room changing with me. I don’t know if she’s checking out all the guys though. She’s a little young.
    However, the swimming pool recently put up a sign that basically says “Moms – you are *not* allowed to go through the men’s changing room. Use the women’s room like you are supposed to.” Yes, many of the mothers like to come in through the men’s room to pick up their sons from the pool. I saw one in there the other day and we had a conversation like this (in Japanese):
    Me: “You know, this is the men’s locker room. The ladies room is on the other side” (I’m assuming that she wasn’t paying attention to the signs)
    Her: “That’s so, isn’t it. (so desu ne)”
    Me: “Yes…you know I can’t go into the ladies room” (let’s try for indirect)
    Her: “So desu ne”
    Me: (giving up on discretion) “Aren’t you being a little weird? (chotto hen desu ne)”
    At that point I think she got it and left for the other side.

  6. Draglancer said, on October 5, 2007 at 3:03 am

    Abuse thy power and be smitten with Divine Intervention?
    Anywho, keep it up. And take it easy when you can. 😀

  7. Colin said, on October 5, 2007 at 3:18 am

    If these are the worst you’ve got, you’ve got some serious karmic crimes to commit.
    Seriously, this isn’t shit, Az. With the first one, maybe your intent would’ve been kind of bad, but since it didn’t actually happen, there’s no problem there…and the second one? Look at it this way; they were probably right in that other sources for that information in Japan for 14-year-old girls would be…um…less than honorable in their intentions, shall we say. You were acting as a sex ed teacher is all. You didn’t do anything wrong there.
    Now, fantasizing about Melon Tits, on the other hand…

  8. Meister Lampe said, on October 5, 2007 at 4:09 am

    yesterday south park
    now u
    what is the fascination with chris hansen?
    and who the f**k is this guy, as an european i’ve not the slightest idea
    (Az’s Note: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_catch_a_predator)

  9. Anna said, on October 5, 2007 at 5:36 am

    So, now that you’ve confessed your sins, let’s move on to why you are at the crap end of karma. What’s up with your romantic/professional/financial life. What kinds of romantical problems? Remember, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodnight and good mental health Seattle.

  10. The One And Only Jay From Outpostnine said, on October 5, 2007 at 6:31 am

    “So Father, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to never use the powers bestowed to my penis for evil again. I will only use it for the betterment of Japanese society, and to improve the quality of life for all humanity as a whole.”
    No you won’t. 😀

  11. Dave Worley said, on October 5, 2007 at 6:45 am

    So this Octopus…

  12. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 7:38 am

    I agree with Colin, the first one turned out okay, and the second was handled tactfully and appropriately for their age. Perhaps you’re just accruing karma to be used later. Either that, or you’re not being fully honest, my son.

  13. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 7:38 am

    I agree with Colin, the first one turned out okay, and the second was handled tactfully and appropriately for their age. Perhaps you’re just accruing karma to be used later. Either that, or you’re not being fully honest, my son.

  14. Jenna said, on October 5, 2007 at 9:30 am

    The store you went to for condoms must train their employees to deal with big, angry Gaijin. Can you imagine the training video?! “Now these condoms are more suited for Gaijin because they are bigger than little Japanese condoms and all Gaijin have big penises…”

  15. Ilhares said, on October 5, 2007 at 9:49 am

    Az, though I say it without much shame, you have done the community a service. If I was beset upon by a throng of teenage japanese girls wanting info, they’d be calling me Uncle Ecchi by the time I was done.

  16. Jen said, on October 5, 2007 at 9:56 am

    No, you didn’t offend me. I’m actually highly amused, then again, I’m neither Catholic nor Republican.
    As for the “bad” stuff you did, ha. The first would have been a silly prank. And the latter, geez. That wouldn’t have even been a crime in the U.S., unless you were at a private religious school. Then of course, anything slightly related to sex is wrong.

  17. Colin said, on October 5, 2007 at 10:46 am

    “Why don’t you take a seat?”
    “No, I don’t want to take a seat, I just-”
    “Take a seat.”
    “…How does he DO that?”

  18. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    i forgive you 🙂

  19. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    i forgive you 🙂

  20. xinster said, on October 5, 2007 at 12:27 pm

    Thoroughly uninteresting and repetitive. Everything has become very predictable even though I still love japanese stuff.

  21. ai said, on October 5, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Damn. I hope you continue to write these.

  22. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 2:46 pm

    Theres nothing wrong with informing kids that are honestly already or are about to be sexually active. I would have taken the opportunity to remind them about condoms birth control and STDs as well. As for the first situation. If you still have the box around keep it or cut the face from it so you can take it to the drug store when next you quest for a jimmy in your size. Show it to the clerk and without words he will know exactly what you need. Provided the brand you purchased fit of course.

  23. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 2:46 pm

    Theres nothing wrong with informing kids that are honestly already or are about to be sexually active. I would have taken the opportunity to remind them about condoms birth control and STDs as well. As for the first situation. If you still have the box around keep it or cut the face from it so you can take it to the drug store when next you quest for a jimmy in your size. Show it to the clerk and without words he will know exactly what you need. Provided the brand you purchased fit of course.

  24. Systematic said, on October 5, 2007 at 5:44 pm

    There there, God forgives you Az. Now get that smitten life of yours sorted out before you get Nippon Smashed and feel the wrath of Japanese deportation.

  25. Nas said, on October 5, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    Maybe you have bad karma because of what you rap about:
    Keepin the schwepervesence street ghetto essence inside us
    Cause it provides us with the proper insight to guide us
    Even though, we know somehow we all gotta go
    but as long as we leavin thievin we’ll be leavin with some kind of dough
    so, and to that day we expire and turn to vapors
    me and my capers-ll be somewhere stackin plenty papers
    Keepin it real, packin steel, gettin high
    Cause life’s a bitch and then you die
    Bustin’ guns and getting high just isn’t tolerated in Japan. You should know that AZ.

  26. Patrick said, on October 5, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Interesting. I think you could have whipped Az Jr. out on those 14 year old girls and the worst you would have gotten would have been some giggling. But for your penance, you must wear a Hello Kitty T-shirt for three days. In public.

  27. rubbav1 said, on October 5, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    =D
    Reading your post is like stabbing the bastard who changed TechTV to G4 and fucked up my gaming fix.
    Yeah Gaijin Smash is totally like that. Sort of.

  28. Eric of Oregon said, on October 5, 2007 at 8:39 pm

    At first I thought you were talking about pimping or using your snake as a tool to get women, via Gaijin-Smashing.
    I’m glad to know you’re not keeping a harem of women while you’re in a LTR.

  29. Zantetsu said, on October 5, 2007 at 8:42 pm


    You win.

  30. Anonymous said, on October 6, 2007 at 2:22 am

    -Cue horns, tail and pitch fork- There is only one road to forgiveness, one ladder out of purgatory, and that is to abuse, abuse, ABUSE! Two wrongs make a right! GO TURKEY SLAP SOME OLD WOMEN! Bwhahahahahah!
    -Ah hem- Anyway. Great entry Az. It’s a bit more gritty than before, you seem to be holding yourself back less with exactly what you say, which as far as I’m concerned is a good thing.

  31. Anonymous said, on October 6, 2007 at 2:22 am

    -Cue horns, tail and pitch fork- There is only one road to forgiveness, one ladder out of purgatory, and that is to abuse, abuse, ABUSE! Two wrongs make a right! GO TURKEY SLAP SOME OLD WOMEN! Bwhahahahahah!
    -Ah hem- Anyway. Great entry Az. It’s a bit more gritty than before, you seem to be holding yourself back less with exactly what you say, which as far as I’m concerned is a good thing.

  32. Father Rorshak said, on October 6, 2007 at 3:35 am

    Well my son, for penance say 3 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers, and 7 round of the Hokey Pokey.

  33. Mayhem said, on October 6, 2007 at 7:37 am

    Keep the faith Az and good luck with everything in life… meanwhile we’ll still be creasing up laughing at your tales because despite adversity, your writing is still as mirth inducing as always 🙂

  34. Jon said, on October 6, 2007 at 7:41 pm

    She wants you to ask her to marry her, that should be suffering enough. God will forgive you your sins , after you are housebroken.

  35. Anonymous said, on October 6, 2007 at 8:15 pm

    dude, that was nothing. *NOTHING* Those were in no way, shape, or form inappropriate or in any way cause for shame or cosmic justice. You must have done something else. (of course, your problems could just be from standard naturalistic cause/effect. a falsifiable hypothesis *and* guilt-free! reason FTW!!)

  36. Anonymous said, on October 6, 2007 at 8:15 pm

    dude, that was nothing. *NOTHING* Those were in no way, shape, or form inappropriate or in any way cause for shame or cosmic justice. You must have done something else. (of course, your problems could just be from standard naturalistic cause/effect. a falsifiable hypothesis *and* guilt-free! reason FTW!!)

  37. Anonymous said, on October 6, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    Nice blog, cheers for keeping me amused! Anyway, regarding the black horse condoms, give them a go, they work just fine, although you might need something bigger still!

  38. Anonymous said, on October 6, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    Nice blog, cheers for keeping me amused! Anyway, regarding the black horse condoms, give them a go, they work just fine, although you might need something bigger still!

  39. SSJ-Jolt said, on October 7, 2007 at 1:56 am

    I prolly would of given them all the details they asked for…
    Then again I am kinda morally corrupt…
    <.< muahahaa

  40. Anonymous said, on October 7, 2007 at 2:38 am

    your bad luck never ceases to amaze and amuse. though i dont think what you’ve listed qualifies as being bad. maybe if you had turkey slapped the obasan you might be in for a karma bitch slap, otherwise i think you’re all right.

  41. Anonymous said, on October 7, 2007 at 2:38 am

    your bad luck never ceases to amaze and amuse. though i dont think what you’ve listed qualifies as being bad. maybe if you had turkey slapped the obasan you might be in for a karma bitch slap, otherwise i think you’re all right.

  42. Gomez said, on October 7, 2007 at 5:41 pm

    Give me five Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and fourteen Gaijin Smashes and God will forgive you my son.
    Seriously if you’re making up for Bad Karma then given all of the sex crap you’ve had to put up with I’d sumise that you were Caligula Caeser in your last life…

  43. Tevin said, on October 7, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    Sounds like the time I was running around Hongdae(clubbing district in Seoul, South Korea) with a few friends and we found a condom store on the street…blatantly so, complete with condom cartoon characters. Intrigued by how obvious it could be(this was on a main street as well), we go over to check.
    So we truck on over there, crossing the street and lookin’ thrice beforehand like good boys, and are about to enter the store when what appears? A group of 11 schoolgirls in uniforms, anywhere from 14 to 16 years old, walking our direction. Immediately halting our progress as we were just before the door, we try to act as unobtrusive as two Americans, one with waist-long blond hair, and two Finnish guys both 2+ meters tall can possibly be.
    ‘Course, it didn’t work. They wanted our picture. In front of the condom store. I was about to die from the sheer absurdity of it.
    The saving grace? The picture was taking facing the store, meaning the background was the street, and *not* balloon condom characters with a neon sign saying “Condominium”.
    I’m still trying to decide what I did to deserve that, and what I did in balance that made the picture be taken in that direction.

  44. Anonymous said, on October 8, 2007 at 1:47 am

    “So Father, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to never use the powers bestowed to my penis for evil again. I will only use it for the betterment of Japanese society, and to improve the quality of life for all humanity as a whole.”
    This about sums up my response: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTG5gRzyTO4

  45. Shamie said, on October 8, 2007 at 3:17 am

    Hmm, that condom trick is fun. Confusing the cute girl working at the counter. I did that a couple times. Once, I bought condoms, a mini-sewing kit and mints. The hot-clerk said, “… kinky!” The second time, I bought some condoms and pretended to be embarassed. And a different-hot-clerk said, “Don’t be shy, at least it means you’re getting laid?” Confused stare, “Actually, I’m a lesbian.” I think I heard her brain pop a little, “Oh… I see…” The guy-clerk next to her (I have no shame) said, “I’ll explain it later.” I grinned, “Let me! You see, it makes certain things easier to clean! :D” Once I left the store I made it to my car and was doubled over laughing.

  46. Anonymous said, on October 8, 2007 at 5:21 pm

    Fifty bucks says Az kills himself before November.

  47. ONYX said, on October 8, 2007 at 6:17 pm

    LOL yea thats tough spot to be in.. Although, i dunno what “The Octopus” is.. my logic says oral sex + slutty japnese girl = :)Though, i may be wrong

  48. Max Wilder said, on October 8, 2007 at 6:28 pm

    Me: Sorry girls, I’m not allowed to tell you that here at school.
    Girl 1: Aw, come on…
    Me: I’m not allowed to tell you that… *here at school*…

  49. K-Prime said, on October 8, 2007 at 10:11 pm

    Dude, Az! I’m right there with ya on the condoms thing. I idiotically didn’t bring any American brands with me while I was in Japan and was forced to try out brand after brand of shitty Japanese condom. The ONLY one that was decent, was the one with the horse on it. Still didn’t hold a candle to good ol’ American condoms, but it made due til I made a trip back to the States.
    Oddly enough, I had a friend who swore by the condoms you get at love hotels…ya know. The ones that fit snugly around your pinky finger.

  50. Dustin said, on October 9, 2007 at 5:12 am

    “Giving Sarah Silverman her own TV show? Not the best idea.”
    THANK YOU. I was in an argument over this recently. She isn’t funny. At all. I’d much sooner cause brain damage to myself so that I at least didn’t understand what she was saying, than have to suffer through anything she puts on television. Putting her show after South Park is nothing but a sick joke on the network’s part.
    CEO1: “Hmmm, maybe if we put this piece of shit on after South Park, some viewers will just get bored and keep watching”
    CEO2: “GENIUS!”
    CEO1: “Sarah, you can stop sucking now, i’m finished”.
    CEO2: “Yes, it’s my turn, damnit!”
    I honestly believe thats how it goes.

  51. Meme said, on October 9, 2007 at 5:21 am

    I found an ‘almost’ Kancho-like game and thought I’d share with the rest of the kancho-series-loving people.
    http://www.mikewang.org/images/chimgam9.swf

  52. Megan J. said, on October 10, 2007 at 2:17 am

    I am sorry this is not related to your article, but the JTE that I work with just told me today that a 17 year old girl who was dating with a 32 year old man in Osaka set fire to his house, burning it down I believe, after they broke up. If that isn’t crazy enough, now he says that he will marry her. WTF?? I thought you might enjoy this story.

  53. Jon said, on October 11, 2007 at 6:01 am

    Hera are amongst others a few pictures of Japanese condom packs, hint: Super Big Boy is AZ favorite.
    http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2007/10/most-weirdest-and-funniest-japanese.html

  54. CF said, on October 11, 2007 at 6:40 am

    > CEO1: “Hmmm, maybe if we put this piece of shit on
    > after South Park, some viewers will just get bored
    > and keep watching”
    That’s how networks have operated since Day One.
    That a female could get a TV show after blowing a
    series of network execs is fairly new — the
    “getting a TV show” part, I mean. >:)

  55. Jane said, on October 11, 2007 at 4:25 pm

    You just answered a question about human anatomy, how is that bad?

  56. Hyena said, on October 11, 2007 at 10:47 pm

    Ok this has been bothering me for a while now…
    [quote]
    Me: It depends on the guy.
    Girl 1: Huh? What do you mean?
    Me: Well, some guys get harder and bigger, while other guys just get harder and the size doesn’t change.
    [/quote]
    I think your wrong personally, but I’m not experienced in other people’s dicks so it plagues me that it could be possible I’m wrong and your right. 😮
    Does anyone else, know of any dick that only gets harder? without getting bigger? :S
    That’s the thing, mine like triples in length, maybe quadruples… How could any guy have a
    fully long schlong when he’s not … excited?
    It’s madness… 😮
    YOUR A BAD ENGLISH TEACHER, sorry. I think you neeed to go back to those girls, apologise for lieing to them and then explain that all guys dicks get longer and harder and that none merely just get harder.
    -Hyena, the

  57. Grace said, on October 12, 2007 at 1:38 am

    I’ve just finished reading your whole archive, and I have to say, I’ve laughed more in these past few days than I have in months! As a Korean-American, I really appreciate your view on the issue about comfort women and their families looking for compensation for atrocities, and the sheer absurdity of the Japanese trying to skirt around what happened. Go you!

  58. BigText said, on October 13, 2007 at 2:59 am

    As for your introduction, I don’t think you ever offended the Jews. It’s really strange; a person mentions how offensive he is, and he has yet to be rude to lil’ Jewish me.
    I’m an American foreign exchange student living in Osaka. When I came here, I was expecting a super-strict school, school uniforms, everyone paying attention in class, etc.
    Holy CRAP was I blown away! People openly sleeping in class, the only uniform thing is the shoes (other than taiiku uniforms), and very relaxed classes (no one seems to be really studying that hard).
    Maybe it’s because I’m in high school and not middle school, but I’ve yet to see any kancho/dickgrabbing. Nothing too far out of the ordinary has come up, although one time a bunch of the guys asked me, in English, what “vagina” meant. And then there were a few butt-slaps I didn’t appreciate… especially the one from that really old man… but it’s nothing mind-blowing as the the stuff you type.

  59. CF said, on October 13, 2007 at 6:44 am

    >CEO1: “Hmmm, maybe if we put this piece of shit on after South Park, some viewers will just get bored and keep watching”
    That’s how networks have operated since Day One.
    > CEO1: “Sarah, you can stop sucking now, i’m finished”.
    > CEO2: “Yes, it’s my turn, damnit!”
    This also is nothing new — well, OK, the part about “the girl gets a TV show afterwards” is new…. 😛

  60. Anonymous said, on October 13, 2007 at 9:46 am

    Posted by: Shamie at October 8, 2007 03:17 AM
    Fifty bucks says Az kills himself before November.
    I`m not gonna bet against you at this point >:3
    13/10/07

  61. Anonymous said, on October 13, 2007 at 9:46 am

    Posted by: Shamie at October 8, 2007 03:17 AM
    Fifty bucks says Az kills himself before November.
    I`m not gonna bet against you at this point >:3
    13/10/07

  62. Beej said, on October 13, 2007 at 10:00 pm

    hang in there Az, I know lifes a bitch but hopefully it’s just a cloud that will pass 🙂
    Beejal

  63. Anonymous said, on October 14, 2007 at 10:03 am

    You should talk to Applemilk dude…

  64. Anonymous said, on October 14, 2007 at 10:03 am

    You should talk to Applemilk dude…

  65. Jonathan said, on October 14, 2007 at 5:41 pm

    I have not seen any houses burn in Osaka while I was there last week…I tried spotting you Az (being a big black man would be easy to spot in Japan) but sadly no luck :(.

  66. Anonymous said, on October 15, 2007 at 12:12 am

    at least you didn’t have to explain the details of circumcision…

  67. Anonymous said, on October 15, 2007 at 12:12 am

    at least you didn’t have to explain the details of circumcision…

  68. Anonymous said, on October 15, 2007 at 2:52 am

    Hang in there, my friend. Thank you for the light you bring to the world. God doesn’t hate you! Junk just happens; life is an object lesson. You’re a great guy. Things will get better. Believe in yourself! 🙂 Cheesy, but it’s great advice.

  69. Anonymous said, on October 15, 2007 at 2:52 am

    Hang in there, my friend. Thank you for the light you bring to the world. God doesn’t hate you! Junk just happens; life is an object lesson. You’re a great guy. Things will get better. Believe in yourself! 🙂 Cheesy, but it’s great advice.

  70. Loki said, on October 17, 2007 at 2:42 am

    Oh man that Chris Hansen just freaking killed me. You just made my day.

  71. Anonymous said, on October 19, 2007 at 11:00 am

    lmfao @ Chris Hansen
    “We’re doing an investigative rePort… on JaPanese schoolgirl raPe”
    (Note the accentuated p’s)
    😄

  72. Anonymous said, on October 19, 2007 at 11:00 am

    lmfao @ Chris Hansen
    “We’re doing an investigative rePort… on JaPanese schoolgirl raPe”
    (Note the accentuated p’s)
    😄

  73. Anonymous said, on October 19, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    Your posts are becoming a little… oversensationalized/dry? It seems like you’re trying your hardest to find interesting or funny stuff that is, well, so-so. I’d personally be curious to know how your experience working in the company as the only foreigner is going. Just giving out criticism to strengthen your game. Looking forward to more posts.

  74. Anonymous said, on October 19, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    Your posts are becoming a little… oversensationalized/dry? It seems like you’re trying your hardest to find interesting or funny stuff that is, well, so-so. I’d personally be curious to know how your experience working in the company as the only foreigner is going. Just giving out criticism to strengthen your game. Looking forward to more posts.

  75. dgx said, on October 26, 2007 at 9:59 am

    Fucking hilarious! Reading this blog makes me forget about all the work I should be doing for the billions of science/math courses I’m taking for pre-med.

  76. Froggy said, on November 5, 2007 at 9:08 am

    az, just so you know i love you man and yes your penis crimes are forgiven

  77. Anonymous said, on November 23, 2007 at 7:19 am

    lol… you know about Chris Hansen too??

  78. Anonymous said, on November 23, 2007 at 7:19 am

    lol… you know about Chris Hansen too??

  79. mew said, on December 13, 2007 at 12:32 am

    I never taught at a school but my best friend did, he took me for a visit and all the High School boys wanted to know if my stuff was the same color as their girlfriends. To which I replied, ” I don’t know, I guess i need to see your girlfriends.”

  80. Nick said, on December 19, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    we forgive you Az

  81. Pete from Australia said, on May 4, 2009 at 1:37 am

    For what it’s worth, sex education in Australian schools begins at the Primary School in Year 6-7 and we’re a Western nation.
    What I think has happened there isn’t so much the kids asking something it would be inappropriate for you to answer, but, just your average culture clash between a teacher from a country founded by Puritans and kids from nearly anywhere else ;).
    Teacher answering sex education question about erections: OK
    Teacher flopping it out to demonstrate: Not OK.
    You did just fine.


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