Gaijin Smash

I Didn’t Wanna Grow Up

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on September 27, 2007

I live.
Sorry for the lack of updates this past…month? I’d love to give you all some kind of wonderful and awesome excuse as to where I’ve been. Like, I was recruited by a covert team of ninja samurai, running from the law for war crimes they didn’t commit, and we would drive around in our black van as mercenaries for hire for whomever needed us and could find us. Or, after a random chance meeting with Japanese pin-up model Rio Natsume, the two of us ran off on an impulsive trip to the Bahamas, where everyday included wild animal sex, martini’s on the beach, and ferocious sudoku competitions. Or, Watson (remember him?) had rounded up 300 of his best Kancho Warriors, and marched them straight up to my residence, where they planned either to violate my ass or die trying – I’ve spent the past two weeks holed up in my apartment armed only with a nerf gun and a can of 3-year old creamed corn.
I’d love to tell you something like that, but the honest-to-goodness truth is that what’s kept me busy these past two weeks has been – life.
The nice thing about JET was that it was sort of like University 1.5. You may or may not have class everyday. If you have class, you may only have 2-3, maybe 4, perhaps 5 or 6 on a busy day. On the times that you don’t have class, you pretty much have nothing to do. In university, I would go to the local arcade for some rounds in Street Fighter, find a nice corner of the campus to take a nap in, or if it was the middle of the day, go home and watch Pokemon. …Don’t hate, the first few seasons of Pokemon were good. Prepare for trouble, and make it double, bitches. On JET, I’d hide myself behind the gym and play Gameboy or take a nap, or read a manga at my desk. Life really wasn’t that different.
In some ways, JET is easier than university. Work’s finished by 4:15 everyday, there’s no homework, no cramming for finals or any of that nonsense. And it still comes with the rampant boozing and hookups that college life offers.
…I anticipate that the JET program may get a flood of applicants this year.


Anyway, my point is that since “graduating” from JET, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into the adult world. Long gone are the days when I had time to kill in the middle of the day. I have to wake up early, go to work, actually be productive for hours at a time, then commute home. The boozing has fallen off, and the random hookups are non-existent. Shakespeare couldn’t write a better tragedy.
How did this happen? How’d I go from the guy who dodged dick-grabs and kanchos, came home and wasted my life in front of a Playstation, and went out for some drinks and fun on the weekend, to a guy who has duties and responsibilities at work, goes home and gets henpecked because the dishes haven’t been washed and the clothes haven’t been folded and put away? No sir, I don’t like it.
I realize that, to the older audience, I must sound like a whiny child at this point, but give me a moment here – my youth JUST died on me! I’m thinking of holding a memorial service.
Anyway, the point of all that is to try and explain that sometimes, I just don’t have the time to get new articles up. I have been trying. There have been a few brief windows where I might have been able to write something, but the attempt was always thwarted. Something that I thought was funny/interesting turned out to not really be interesting at all, and a few times the site interface was down, preventing me from posting anything. Such is life.
I’ll do my best to get two new articles up a week. As I’ve said before, with all the blogs and editorials and fan fictions and just the sheer volume of text being produced on the web, I’m thrilled and thankful that there are quite a few people interested in what I have to say. Just, if you don’t hear from me for awhile, realize I’m just buried with adult issue crap, and as soon as I come up for a breather I’ll be back.
Now, as this post is too whiny and Linkin Park for my taste, here’s some dancing baby alligators.
…..I don’t really have dancing baby alligators, and if I did, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with them.
I do have something far more violent and dangerous than alligators though – Japanese schoolgirls.

KYOTANABE, Kyoto — A police officer was fatally attacked by his 16-year-old daughter with an ax in the predawn hours of Tuesday, police said.
The girl, a vocational school student, stands accused of murder. She admitted to the allegations during questioning.
“I attacked him. I hate my father,” the girl, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, was quoted as telling investigators. Local police are grilling her over the motives for her crime.
When questioned by police over her actions, she said, “I had been suspicious about my father’s relationships with women for several years. I thought I’d give him the guillotine.”
Police are continuing to question the girl over her specific motives for the killing.
The victim’s boss expressed surprise at the death of the officer, a 45-year-old sergeant. “He was hard-working and was respected by everybody. I never heard of any family problems,” said Toshiaki Okano, deputy director of Minami Police Station.
At about 4:40 a.m., rescue workers received an emergency call from a family member of the officer saying he had been attacked on the neck at their home in Kyotanabe.
Alerted by rescue workers, police officers rushed to the home and found the sergeant dead on his bed in his second-floor room with severe cut wounds.
The officer lived with his 41-year-old wife, his 19-year-old daughter and the suspect. (Mainichi)

…An axe! A mother-fuckin’ axe! People always say “Japan is so crime free because they don’t have guns!” No. Because they don’t have guns, you have schoolgirls killing their fathers with axes! I’ve said before that Japanese girls/women are Hellbringers of Death, and if you don’t believe me now, I don’t know what else I can do to convince you.
The worst part is that this is right where I live. I could have seen Little Miss Lizzie Borden out on the street somewhere. She could have come to one of my old schools during a sports competition. And you look at some 16 year old Japanese schoolgirl and you think “aw, aint she cute”, but you never know when she will come up to you and take you out with AN AX.
I realize now that my schoolteacher job was far, far more hazardous than I could have ever dreamed.
And because Japan is the land of copy-cat behavior…

TATSUNO, Nagano — A 15-year-old boy was arrested for attacking his father with an ax early Monday, leaving him with severe head injuries, police said.
The boy, a third-year junior high school student, was arrested for attempted murder after he turned himself in to police. Investigators are questioning the boy, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, over the motives for his crime.
At about 2 a.m., the boy hit his 44-year-old sleeping father in the head with an ax several times at his home in Tatsuno, local police said. When paramedics arrived at the victim’s home, he was bleeding from his head, but was fully conscious. (Mainichi)

This doesn’t even make sense. “Hmm, some girl offed her father with an ax. That sounds like a good idea! I think I’ll do that too.” How does a brain even work that way? I never want to have Japanese children, ever.
The most remarkable thing about this story though is how the guy LIVED through an ax attack. Lived. Through. An. Ax. Attack. I mean, I’ve always figured that an ax was a weapon for dummies – how can you mess up killing someone armed with an ax? I mean, a gun, yeah, maybe you miss or don’t hit anything vital, same for a knife…but an ax? How do you MISS with an ax? You don’t, which is why I think this 44-year-old Japanese guy is really Superman in disguise.
And now that you’ve lived through that…how do you deal with it? “Hey Taro, c’mere – you see this scar? That’s where junior tried to kill me with an axe.” What is the appropriate punishment for attempted ax murder? Send him to his room without his tofu cakes? Make him stay home from school on Saturday and Sunday? Forbid him from a full week of Pokemon episodes? I can’t even imagine being a father trying to decide how to deal with your son who just tried to kill you WITH AN AX.
Yeah, I really don’t want to grow up.

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102 Responses

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  1. Char Chris said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:03 am

    Hug him and make him feel more guilt >:3

  2. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:10 am

    Just goes to show how strong the human skull is. Hooray! For those of us who live in fear of getting axed. The boy was probably also weak and not used to using it. The girl had a much better idea, attack the neck.

  3. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:10 am

    Just goes to show how strong the human skull is. Hooray! For those of us who live in fear of getting axed. The boy was probably also weak and not used to using it. The girl had a much better idea, attack the neck.

  4. ST said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:14 am

    If it makes you feel any better, Az, my mother always says that as long as you can learn to be responsible, you never really have to grow up, and as far as I can tell she’s absolutely right. Nothing has to change but your time priorities; just because you have more stuff to do now it doesn’t mean you’re not still the same guy you used to be. Just make time for the silly stuff as needed.

  5. Belthasar2 said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:17 am

    Aaaaaand he’s back!
    I knew it coul’ve only been that dreadful stealer
    of fun and sweet idleness – L.I.F.E.
    “ahem” “We are here today to mourn the passing of Azs youth. Faithful companion and beloved friend to all. He taught us that any good things must eventually end, and he will be remembered for bringing us countless hours of fun.
    What came frome Joy must return to Joy, Hooker to Hooker, Booze to Boozem Hangover to Hangover.
    Our prayers are with the one among us, who will be the next to follow him.”
    Good luck and take care,
    Belthasar2
    P.S: You only get old and don’t have any fun anymore when you think you have to outgrow toys. Says my old teddy bear, sitting on my window ledge.

  6. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:17 am

    I think this is my first Comment here… I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your posts (which you hear a lot probably) and will be looking forward to the next time the adult world lets you slip out of their grip for a few minutes ^^

  7. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:17 am

    I think this is my first Comment here… I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your posts (which you hear a lot probably) and will be looking forward to the next time the adult world lets you slip out of their grip for a few minutes ^^

  8. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:21 am

    Hey Az,
    Great to have you back. I’m a long-time lurker on your site (both old AND new) but a first-time poster.
    It’s great to actually hear from you. From the look of the comments sections, many people (myself included) were sincerely worried about you. Glad to here that it’s only life that’s holding up your posts, nothing more serious.
    On a side note, I was genuinely surprised to see this post by you and just as I was like “Whoa!” looking at this webpage, my MP3 player started playing “Thunderstruck” by ACDC! Awesome Coincidence.

  9. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:21 am

    Hey Az,
    Great to have you back. I’m a long-time lurker on your site (both old AND new) but a first-time poster.
    It’s great to actually hear from you. From the look of the comments sections, many people (myself included) were sincerely worried about you. Glad to here that it’s only life that’s holding up your posts, nothing more serious.
    On a side note, I was genuinely surprised to see this post by you and just as I was like “Whoa!” looking at this webpage, my MP3 player started playing “Thunderstruck” by ACDC! Awesome Coincidence.

  10. paul lewis said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:23 am

    yay a return? haha well i’m just glad you didn’t die lmao

  11. FamFams said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:27 am

    A new post FINALLY!! *continues reading*

  12. Hyena said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:38 am

    Hey your back. 🙂
    Bitch.
    You made me use the comment thing for the first
    time and now I’m using it again, right now.
    😦 And now that I’ve started…
    How will I stop?
    … 😦

  13. Jooki said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:53 am

    Why does a japanese family have an axe!? Is it in case of they want to chop some trees from downtown? (or in case of some famliy member annoys you)

  14. Kyle E said, on September 27, 2007 at 4:54 am

    nice to see you back. Did you not work through college or something? I’ve been working for almost 6 years and I’m only 21 so I think I might be missing out on something. And I agree how do you miss with an axe… i mean all you really have to do is get it maybe 18 inches above the person’s head and even if you dropped it you could cause severe damage.

  15. Rick said, on September 27, 2007 at 5:23 am

    Welcome back Az man!
    Hope’s all going well in Japan, I will be there soon enough, hope we can meet someday! I’m glad you’re writing your blogs still! 😀

  16. Jenrathy said, on September 27, 2007 at 5:42 am

    Glad to see you back !!

  17. Eclipse said, on September 27, 2007 at 5:43 am

    So Az, long time no see eh? While reading your new post it hit me that your realization that hit you today will be comming for me soon…thus you just gave me a bleak preview of the future. I would be a kohai of sorts to you. Sigh. Though I currently have a job in which I get shot at….a lot…both at home and overseas…so, I may have a tip to help. As long as you still find things that entertain you in the day then the days can become better. Also, I’ll tell you about soemthing that heppened to me that will almost deffinatly make you feel better about your situation. I recently had a minor surgery…on my ass. Apparently shrapnel+ass+time= Royal pain in the ass (literally). End result was that I had two boils (one on each cheek) and one was a size of a coaster! A motherfuckin’ coaster! I couldn’t sit, sleep or shit for like a week. I sympathize with your kancho pain but with this, nothing else comes close. Moral of the story, never get anything stuck in your ass. That should go without saying anyway, but this is a different matter with the same conclusion. Take care man, and welcome back.
    Zero

  18. J-hoosier said, on September 27, 2007 at 5:47 am

    Glad you’re alive. I can speak the that life thing, going through almost the exact same thing (minus live-in gf, so actually less sex). Suck. Good luck and hope you can write more.

  19. Vivian said, on September 27, 2007 at 5:57 am

    Well.
    At least we know *your* head’s still attached to your shoulders.
    Literally.

  20. Simple said, on September 27, 2007 at 6:48 am

    ‘”I attacked him. I hate my father,” the girl, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, was quoted as telling investigators. Local police are grilling her over the motives for her crime.
    When questioned by police over her actions, she said, “I had been suspicious about my father’s relationships with women for several years. I thought I’d give him the guillotine.”
    Police are continuing to question the girl over her specific motives for the killing.’
    I don’t know if the girl can make it much clearer…

  21. eL Thorsen said, on September 27, 2007 at 7:13 am

    I second what you said about Pokemon.
    It was actually watchable up until they decided to add an infinite number of new ones…
    Glad to see a new post: I’ve been checking for one every day since last time.

  22. Treiale said, on September 27, 2007 at 8:06 am

    Welcome back, Az!
    I don’t think it makes much difference to anybody if this is my first time posting, so I’ll just wave cheerfully.
    Naaaaah, your youth isn’t dead. It’s just gone into hiding for a little while. Until then… don’t be TOO grown up. 😉
    An AXE. *shakes head and walks away*

  23. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:06 am

    You’re always talking about the ridiculous jail sentences in Japan — I think this one might take the cake:
    “A woman accused of cutting up the body of the former wife of a man she lived with admitted to the charges against her as her trial opened in the Tokyo District Court on Thursday.
    The 34-year-old defendant, Tomoko Hitomi, is accused of mutilating the body of 40-year-old Miho Shiga, the former wife of a man she was living with, in Tokyo’s Adachi-ku in June.
    Public prosecutors branded the crime ‘heinous’ and demanded that Hitomi be jailed for 18 months. Lawyers argued that she should be given a suspended sentence.”
    I mean, holy crap! The PROSECUTORS, whose job is to PROSECUTE people, are asking for 18 MONTHS! WTF?

  24. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:06 am

    You’re always talking about the ridiculous jail sentences in Japan — I think this one might take the cake:
    “A woman accused of cutting up the body of the former wife of a man she lived with admitted to the charges against her as her trial opened in the Tokyo District Court on Thursday.
    The 34-year-old defendant, Tomoko Hitomi, is accused of mutilating the body of 40-year-old Miho Shiga, the former wife of a man she was living with, in Tokyo’s Adachi-ku in June.
    Public prosecutors branded the crime ‘heinous’ and demanded that Hitomi be jailed for 18 months. Lawyers argued that she should be given a suspended sentence.”
    I mean, holy crap! The PROSECUTORS, whose job is to PROSECUTE people, are asking for 18 MONTHS! WTF?

  25. Inner Space said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:18 am

    Sooo what I’ve learned today is Japanese horror films are actually documentaries, right?
    Seriously, I’m glad to see you’re back!

  26. Fëaluinix said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:28 am

    Youth died, eh?
    Coincidentally, I was going to post a funeral service for you in two days, when it would have been a month.
    Cheer up. Could be worse. Your gf could kill you with an ax, instead of just henpicking your youth away.

  27. Jax said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:38 am

    First time poster even though i have read you old and new blog for years. I am so happy you have posted a new one, i got kind of tired looking at the old one. (i use it in a different tab so if my wife comes in and i am looking at something she wouldn’t approve of i can always switch real fast, i am so clever)

  28. Jen said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:40 am

    It would be nice, though, Az, if you would just put a quick note saying you’re busy, which should take maybe two minutes? Because how are we to know if something really did happen to you? >.> Yes, your fans worry, silly us.
    I really don’t know why people think outlawing guns would cut down on murders. There are so many other items people like to use: stones, hands, ropes, pillows, knives, hacksaws. Murderers are ingenious in finding ways to turn items deadly. Especially if they’re living in a prison. D;

  29. GringoDownSouth said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:44 am

    YOU ARE BACK!!!! I’ve checked your site everyday for the past month…like it’s some kind of drug I can’t let go of. Glad to see you’ve brought me another kilo of high-quality product! I understand about not being able to update though…I havn’t had much time for that on my own site as well. However, I have to take exams today and I should be updating my blog but for some odd reason here I am reading yours…
    About the child…where is the Japanese do-it-or-die-trying-never-give-up attitude? He only hit him with an axe several times, he should have kept going.

  30. Kohaku said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:48 am

    Thank you again for making my Japanese neighbors knock on my door and make sure that I havent had some bizarre seizure or some such from laughing so hard. Its about time you got back! We missed the posts! Trust me, I SO understand about “life” getting to you. Although im sure you know what kind of BS Im dealing with at the moment….maybe Ill get a new job (move to Tokyo and work at one of the abusive maid cafes…lol)
    Yeah…I agree…how in the hell do you miss with a freakin AX??? In my area no “fun” AX murders (or attempts) weve just got random people driving into the ocean. Yeah…apparently a few times a year, the annual suicide migration hits Mie, and a few enterprising souls are a bit more thoughtful than the ones who jump in front of the train(delaying things), and just drive into the ocean and kill fish (as well as themselves)…they do it late at night as well, so the abundance of flashing lights seems so out of place…..Welcome to Japan.

  31. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:48 am

    i get it. the way the girl killed only took one swing, like a bat at the neck, sideways. but the boy swung his axe overhead like a sword, and that strike is only as strong as the person who does it, and since he’s just a 15 year old boy, it took a few swings.
    i imagine he cracked the skull, opened a wound and did quite a bit of damage.
    that kid’s probably sitting in jail thinking “my dad is one tough sonofabitch. i have newfound respect for him, and aren’t really sure why i hit him in the first place.
    but for the girl’s reason:
    i think her dad was fuckin’ her.
    the daughter likes it in the incest manga he reads, but not in real life? who would have thought?

  32. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:48 am

    i get it. the way the girl killed only took one swing, like a bat at the neck, sideways. but the boy swung his axe overhead like a sword, and that strike is only as strong as the person who does it, and since he’s just a 15 year old boy, it took a few swings.
    i imagine he cracked the skull, opened a wound and did quite a bit of damage.
    that kid’s probably sitting in jail thinking “my dad is one tough sonofabitch. i have newfound respect for him, and aren’t really sure why i hit him in the first place.
    but for the girl’s reason:
    i think her dad was fuckin’ her.
    the daughter likes it in the incest manga he reads, but not in real life? who would have thought?

  33. Aetuneo said, on September 27, 2007 at 10:23 am

    The worst thing (from my point of view) about the first murder is that it resulted in Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai being canceled – pretty much all of the stations that were broadcasting it have dropped it, which means that I may never be able to see the end of the series. And yes, I’m a terrible person.

  34. Renten said, on September 27, 2007 at 10:36 am

    I feel your pain brotha. Seems like yesterday when I was goofing off and worried about which game system is going to maximize the most of my life. Now it’s just the typical wake up early in the mourn (yes, I said mourn), commute, mundane job time 9-5, commute back then just chillax… I’ve lost all taste in hobbies and home doing stuff around the house is pretty much priority.
    Where did the time go?

  35. Neil said, on September 27, 2007 at 10:44 am

    Well, depends on the kind of axe, it could be too heavy and inaccurate if it’s one of the bigger ones.
    And the world is filled with copycats. There were many gun/bomb threats after Columbine and V-tech. Not to mention that there were copycat HANGINGS after Suddam was hanged.

  36. Jenna said, on September 27, 2007 at 10:48 am

    If you can’t think of anything to funny or interesting to write about, you can just write about your life. You’re already a character we like, so boring stuff itsn’t necessarly boring.
    Is it weird that there are thousands of us out here that think of you like a character in some novel?

  37. Chikan Sensei said, on September 27, 2007 at 2:04 pm

    The worst thing about this murder was that they cancelled the last episode of “School Days” too. Not just “Higurashi”. Even if that girl walks free due to the leniant japanese legal system, there will always be an army of angry otakus after her…

  38. rei_ichigo said, on September 27, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    \^-^/ Yaaay! I’m so happy you’re back! I think we need a Kampai for that one *pulls out a pack of beer*.
    I sympathize with the situation you’re going through right now. I used to run a site with my sister which involved weekly posts (usually more than one). It was pretty popular (nothing compared to this though), but after a while, along with everything else in our lives we just had to give it up. It started to get to be too much to handle.
    So I appreciate the fact that you’ll even try and post when you can. ^-^
    T-T Anyway I have to go study for a test now. *la sigh* (university’s not always that easy…wish I can go play my ds right not, humph)

  39. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    “I live.”
    :looks up in awe: TY God
    now let`s read

  40. Anonymous said, on September 27, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    “I live.”
    :looks up in awe: TY God
    now let`s read

  41. Nick said, on September 27, 2007 at 2:37 pm

    ooooman im way glad to see you’re back. im happy you didnt die!!!
    …lol@ax

  42. rei_ichigo said, on September 27, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Jenna,
    I think if Az started writing about his daily routine of brushing his teeth, going to the bathroom, having a coffee, etc., there would be no mistaking it- it’d be boring and he would lose a lot of readership. Plus, I don’t think he’d like to write those kind of editorials- no writer would.
    Besides, that would be creepy. I’d feel like either a crazed cult-fan or a stalker. Or both. o.O;

  43. rubbav1 said, on September 27, 2007 at 5:42 pm

    rei_ichigo,
    Don’t fuck with my business

  44. HiEv said, on September 27, 2007 at 7:20 pm

    Here are articles on “Girl A”:
    Police officer fatally attacked by teen daughter with an ax
    http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/national/news/20070918p2a00m0na006000c.html
    and “Boy A”:
    15-year-old boy arrested for attacking father with ax
    http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/national/news/20070924p2a00m0na009000c.html
    and then there’s this older article:
    Children increasingly attacking, murdering parents in Japan
    http://cc.msnscache.com/cache.aspx?q=8346143034884&mkt=ja-JP&lang=ja-JP&FORM=CVRE9
    (Sorry if the links are dead shortly, Mainichi Daily News articles tend to vanish rather quickly.)
    Is “Girl A” (Japanese news protects the names of young criminals and victims by referring to them like that) the same one I heard about recently that changed into a black dress before killing her father? Or is that another case?
    Another interesting Japanese killer child is “Nevada-tan”:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nevada-tan
    an elementary school girl who used a retractable knife to slit her friend’s throat because of messages she posted to the Internet. (Yikes!) She got the nickname “Nevada-tan” because she was wearing a “University of Nevada” hoody in a class photo that was circulated around the Internet. She somehow managed to attain a minor cult status after that.
    Scary, though I guess you can find examples of stuff like this all over the world if you look for it.

  45. attackslug said, on September 27, 2007 at 8:36 pm

    welcome back Az!
    re: ax’s
    obligatory “NICE BOAT”

  46. CF said, on September 27, 2007 at 8:44 pm

    Considering some of the events written about here
    (the “I hope the Americans are bombing us so I can
    have a day off” quip; the first-year teacher who
    melted down after someone carved up her slippers;
    various ill-mannered kids at the middle school,
    and I *don’t* mean the Kancho Yakuza), it’s a
    surprise that *more* Japanese kids aren’t going
    Amanda-Plummer-on-_Tales-From-The-Crypt_ on their
    parents.
    As to “losing one’s childhood”: Be glad you *had*
    it — some folks don’t. Or, for the kids mentioned
    in the articles, won’t….

  47. Justanothermom said, on September 27, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    Glad to see you back, Az, but I honestly knew you were okay. My son was getting worried, but I told him, as you confirm, “He’s probably just too busy with work to put anything decent together. He’ll be back when he gets a chance to come up for air.”
    Welcome to the world of adulthood/the working stiff. Just think; if you start putting some money aside now, in 40 years you can retire comfortably! 😉

  48. Oui said, on September 27, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    Ya know, I just found this at Wikipedia
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaijin_Smash

  49. Corey said, on September 27, 2007 at 10:09 pm

    Eyyyy you’re back. Glad to see. I assumed you were too busy with life since your life sounds like it’s pretty crazy and hectic. I haven’t even been getting much time to check out your updates anyway with school and my new job. It’s funny, I got a job to pay for MANY upcoming video games and such yet now I barely get enough time to play them. I guess I sort of expected it though. Glad to see you’re back anyway, and look forward to upcoming editorials.

  50. HiEv said, on September 27, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    FYI Chikan Sensei – The last episode of “School Days” did air, though I don’t know if it aired in all locations where it was originally scheduled to air.

  51. Cecilia said, on September 28, 2007 at 3:18 am

    Pokemon. Fuck yes. I love you.
    Johto’s mountain of non-game fillers (and Orange Islands in general) made me cry.

  52. StuertMP said, on September 28, 2007 at 3:34 am

    id like to imagine that when the police showed up to see the man with the ax wounds, the conversation whent a bit like this:
    police: so sir, what has happened here tonight
    man: well you see my 15 year old son hit me on the head several times with this ax here
    police: i see, and where is the boy now
    man: i sent him to his room, but i fear that may have been too harsh a punishment
    police: yes, that does seem a bit harsh indeed

  53. Fan-of-Oregon said, on September 28, 2007 at 4:00 am

    Please continue this blog, even though you don’t feel it is as entertaining as you would like it to be. I’ll keep reading until you quit, but I hope that doesn’t happen.

  54. Shinkada said, on September 28, 2007 at 4:26 am

    I’m sorry, Az. Growing up… Pah. I don’t believe in that garbage. I do sympathize, it sounds pretty damn horrific, but quite frankly I’d sooner go crazy than let something like that happen to me. Good to hear from you back though, and to know that you’re (kind’ve) alive. Hope things improve regardless.

  55. Prodigal Priest said, on September 28, 2007 at 4:27 am

    In other words, Kohaku, you have a seasonal lemming migration? 😀 I thought that was mainly in the countries closer to the Arctic Circle?
    btw, Az…. nice A-Team reference xD And nice to see you still up and about.

  56. Someone said, on September 28, 2007 at 5:14 am

    At the rate that pokemon’s going, the father might as well lock his son up in a room and force him to watch a week’s worth of pokemon (latest season).
    Hmm….I’ll actually pay to watch you with a couple of Japanese Samurai Ninjas.
    “Next week, we’ll be showing the fantastic fight between the J-Team vs. the A-Team! Who will prevail, Mr T. or Mr Az?”

  57. Ceri Cat said, on September 28, 2007 at 7:32 am

    Being inexperienced with an axe he might have screwed up and only copped a glancing blow or even bounced pop’s noggin with the flat. Definitely sounds inexperienced regardless either he missed the neck (probable) or has no freaking clue. Myself I’d have wanted at least a decent blocksplitter not an axe for something that thick, not that I’m the sort of guy that likes chopping people up like firewood, it’s just multiple cuts puts a lot of strain on the wrists, and I’ve split a heck of a lot of wood here so yeah. *goes to hide before the police come questioning him regarding recent axe murders*

  58. ytter_man said, on September 28, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    damn Az i heard about those two kids, and instantly thought of you first, and thought you might’ve been shaken up because it was one of your (former?) students that had done it.
    if there’s nothing else you’re right about, there’s one thing, Japan needs change.

  59. K' said, on September 28, 2007 at 6:16 pm

    You know you got me worried. I thought that the secret of the octopus would be forever lost. If you didn’t return, I mean 😛
    Good luck with life and everything.

  60. Draglancer said, on September 29, 2007 at 2:11 am

    Glad to see you are still alive and kicking Az. Since your absence, I’d figure it was one of the following Life or Death. Funny though… And about that… never cheat a japanese school girl or let her near an ax. 😮
    Keep it up Az, even if your editorials slow down, there will still be fans right behind you!! Ugh.. that didn’t come out right. :/
    Well good to see you are alive and keep em editorials coming!

  61. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 8:56 am

    wow… that’s really stuffed up! i thought i was bad!
    well done for making me afraid of my future career o_O

  62. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 8:56 am

    wow… that’s really stuffed up! i thought i was bad!
    well done for making me afraid of my future career o_O

  63. Tatchan said, on September 29, 2007 at 9:30 am

    So you’re not dead (yet).Yokatta^^
    I use this occasion to thank you for showing us the hidden side of Japan (this kancho thing has irremediably changed my conception of japanese courtesy).
    It doesn’t matter if you post less frequently, i think…Your audience tends to prefer quality over quantity.

  64. Kohaku said, on September 29, 2007 at 9:50 am

    Yup Prodigal Priest, but these lemmings are all older….my Japanese friends just shrugged.
    “yeah, this happens every year. *looks at watch* yup, there goes another.”
    the sad thing, is the longer youre here, the less things like that surprise you.
    and if that happened in my area, Id KNOW it was a few of my students, but THEY would have all succeeded. The ones who sit in class and just stare….no friends, no hobbies…serial killers waiting to happen….gotta love Japan!

  65. Onimegu said, on September 29, 2007 at 11:38 am

    Yay! he’s alive! Seriously, my boyfriend and I were worried, Believe it or not, you kinda have some fans here in Mexico. And we’ll keep reading even if is not that often.
    Growing sucks! I’m still fighting for my last moments of youth and I’m not gonna let my parents took them away from me ò.ó.

  66. Squigface said, on September 29, 2007 at 1:04 pm

    I belive it is spelled axe, still O_O.

  67. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    “Considering some of the events written about here
    (the “I hope the Americans are bombing us so I can
    have a day off” quip; the first-year teacher who
    melted down after someone carved up her slippers;
    various ill-mannered kids at the middle school,
    and I *don’t* mean the Kancho Yakuza), it’s a
    surprise that *more* Japanese kids aren’t going
    Amanda-Plummer-on-_Tales-From-The-Crypt_ on their
    parents.”
    Gotta second that. Although while someone suggested he was fucking the daughter who killed him, I’ll bet it was actually her older sister. Or maybe her friends. Imagine that scenario…
    Sakura: Hey, Yuka, I totally banged your dad.
    Aiko: You, too? Wow, I thought I was the only one screwing Yuka’s dad!
    Natuski: Naw, I’ve been doing him, too. He tips well.
    Yuka: WTF? That son of a bitch! I’m gonna give him the guillotine!
    Sakura: *laughing* … Wait, are you serious?
    Maybe ax murder is the new suicide there. “Dad, you’ve dishonored the family, you have to die now. Now hold still so I don’t miss, I haven’t used an ax often and I’m not very strong.”

  68. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    “Considering some of the events written about here
    (the “I hope the Americans are bombing us so I can
    have a day off” quip; the first-year teacher who
    melted down after someone carved up her slippers;
    various ill-mannered kids at the middle school,
    and I *don’t* mean the Kancho Yakuza), it’s a
    surprise that *more* Japanese kids aren’t going
    Amanda-Plummer-on-_Tales-From-The-Crypt_ on their
    parents.”
    Gotta second that. Although while someone suggested he was fucking the daughter who killed him, I’ll bet it was actually her older sister. Or maybe her friends. Imagine that scenario…
    Sakura: Hey, Yuka, I totally banged your dad.
    Aiko: You, too? Wow, I thought I was the only one screwing Yuka’s dad!
    Natuski: Naw, I’ve been doing him, too. He tips well.
    Yuka: WTF? That son of a bitch! I’m gonna give him the guillotine!
    Sakura: *laughing* … Wait, are you serious?
    Maybe ax murder is the new suicide there. “Dad, you’ve dishonored the family, you have to die now. Now hold still so I don’t miss, I haven’t used an ax often and I’m not very strong.”

  69. Xak said, on September 29, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    “Considering some of the events written about here
    (the “I hope the Americans are bombing us so I can
    have a day off” quip; the first-year teacher who
    melted down after someone carved up her slippers;
    various ill-mannered kids at the middle school,
    and I *don’t* mean the Kancho Yakuza), it’s a
    surprise that *more* Japanese kids aren’t going
    Amanda-Plummer-on-_Tales-From-The-Crypt_ on their
    parents.”
    Gotta second that. Although while someone suggested he was fucking the daughter who killed him, I’ll bet it was actually her older sister. Or maybe her friends. Imagine that scenario…
    Sakura: Hey, Yuka, I totally banged your dad.
    Aiko: You, too? Wow, I thought I was the only one screwing Yuka’s dad!
    Natuski: Naw, I’ve been doing him, too. He tips well.
    Yuka: WTF? That son of a bitch! I’m gonna give him the guillotine!
    Sakura: *laughing* … Wait, are you serious?
    Maybe ax murder is the new suicide there. “Dad, you’ve dishonored the family, you have to die now. Now hold still so I don’t miss, I haven’t used an ax often and I’m not very strong.”

  70. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 8:19 pm

    My forums were talking about these two attacks on the account of the School Days episode. And that’s what I told them: “Japan has less killings, but every killing that happens is slasher movie-worthy. ‘My friend was shot and killed.’ ‘Ah…mine was hacked to pieces and scattered over Osaka.’ ‘…………….’
    Oh…and Nice Boat.

  71. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 8:19 pm

    My forums were talking about these two attacks on the account of the School Days episode. And that’s what I told them: “Japan has less killings, but every killing that happens is slasher movie-worthy. ‘My friend was shot and killed.’ ‘Ah…mine was hacked to pieces and scattered over Osaka.’ ‘…………….’
    Oh…and Nice Boat.

  72. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    I don’t know if you’ve read an other articles, but you know what’s even funnier? That 16 year old was a Gothic Lolita (since that’s the general term – why they don’t just say Lolita I’ll never know – but I’d laugh my ass off if she was a Sweet Lolita. You can’t get more messed up than that).
    And, of course, Japan being the “push the blame onto something besides our wonderful society” blamed her CLOTHING STYLE for offing her father with an ax.
    Riiiiiiiiiiight. Watch out for those girls in the shitloads of lace and bows! Hot damn they’ve got fucking AXES stashed in those petticoats!
    Just…no. LJ’s Loli community was raising hell over it after it happened. I decided to stay out of it, however, because I found the whole thing far too amusing.

  73. Anonymous said, on September 29, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    I don’t know if you’ve read an other articles, but you know what’s even funnier? That 16 year old was a Gothic Lolita (since that’s the general term – why they don’t just say Lolita I’ll never know – but I’d laugh my ass off if she was a Sweet Lolita. You can’t get more messed up than that).
    And, of course, Japan being the “push the blame onto something besides our wonderful society” blamed her CLOTHING STYLE for offing her father with an ax.
    Riiiiiiiiiiight. Watch out for those girls in the shitloads of lace and bows! Hot damn they’ve got fucking AXES stashed in those petticoats!
    Just…no. LJ’s Loli community was raising hell over it after it happened. I decided to stay out of it, however, because I found the whole thing far too amusing.

  74. Ali said, on September 29, 2007 at 11:15 pm

    I know what i’d do with dancing baby aligators, but i wont tell you because you’ll steal my idea and make millions off it. Anyway, it’s good to have you back and to know that you’re not like, dead. I’d been vaguely wondering if you were doing something with your novel. How’s that going by the way?

  75. HiEv said, on September 30, 2007 at 4:07 am

    Squigface: Some words have more than one correct spelling, and “ax(e)” is one of them.
    Previous Anonymous poster: There is a difference between “Lolita” and “Gothic Lolita,” as the latter is a subgroup of the former. That’s why they don’t just say “Lolita.” Just take a look at the varieties here:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolita_fashion

  76. CF said, on September 30, 2007 at 5:30 am

    “Watch out for those girls in the shitloads of lace
    and bows! Hot damn they’ve got fucking AXES stashed
    in those petticoats!”
    I just had an image of Watson strapped to a table,
    with Ultimate Sweetness looming over him, holding
    an ax and asking “Why do you have to be *so* mean
    to Azrael-san? I’m going to have to teach you a
    lesson….”
    When the idea of watching _JAWS: The Revenge_ as a
    means of *removing* unpleasant images seems a good
    one….

  77. CF said, on September 30, 2007 at 5:31 am

    “Watch out for those girls in the shitloads of lace
    and bows! Hot damn they’ve got fucking AXES stashed
    in those petticoats!”
    I just had an image of Watson strapped to a table,
    with Ultimate Sweetness looming over him, holding
    an ax and asking “Why do you have to be *so* mean
    to Azrael-san? I’m going to have to teach you a
    lesson….”
    When the idea of watching _JAWS: The Revenge_ as a
    means of *removing* unpleasant images seems a good
    one….

  78. Shamie said, on September 30, 2007 at 4:48 pm

    I looked up Rio Natsume because I felt there was something important in you posting her name.
    holydearfuckwhereshegetthatrackfrom?! *blinks rapidly*
    Happy to see you’re alive and stuff, I’m quite happy I can still hold off growing up for a bit longer while in college.

  79. Erin said, on October 1, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    You’ve got the sort of talent that should make it unnecessary to grow up. There’s got to be a way to convert your humor skills into the kind of profit that lets you do nothing but play video games all day…

  80. Katrina said, on October 1, 2007 at 2:45 pm

    Army of teenaged girls.
    It will happen.

  81. Jen said, on October 1, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    Actually, Tat-chan, the irony is that most researchers, psychologists, law officials, etc, all believe that the majority of serial killers are in the United States, so I’d be more worried if I was an instructor in this country. >.>

  82. Anonymous said, on October 1, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    I thought you should know I’m a fan of your writing – not only because I find it intriguing, rather, I marvel at the fact that the correct grammatical usage of the english language still exists.
    Anyway, I thought(since you seem to be rather on point 99% of the time, that you should be alerted to the fact that the plural form of the word martini is martinis, while you have simply stated that the drink owns something, and I am left with the dreaded cliffhanger of, “What?! The Martini owns WHAT?!”.
    I’m still compelled to follow your posts, and good luck in your international escapades!
    Sarah

  83. Anonymous said, on October 1, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    I thought you should know I’m a fan of your writing – not only because I find it intriguing, rather, I marvel at the fact that the correct grammatical usage of the english language still exists.
    Anyway, I thought(since you seem to be rather on point 99% of the time, that you should be alerted to the fact that the plural form of the word martini is martinis, while you have simply stated that the drink owns something, and I am left with the dreaded cliffhanger of, “What?! The Martini owns WHAT?!”.
    I’m still compelled to follow your posts, and good luck in your international escapades!
    Sarah

  84. nootau said, on October 2, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    The axe man is back! er…wait..

  85. BrianfromNazareth said, on October 3, 2007 at 7:16 am

    Around here one boy attacked his teacher with axe about ten years ago. She survived with severel cuts on head. Skull protects our most important organ, thus it is both strong and shaped to deflect blows, therby normal axe is not the best weapon to crack it. There is however oanother type of axe designed for splitting logs and is much more convenient for such task. Also axe needs a lot of practice (i know this from years of working in forest, if someone wonders) so the best chance for kid is lucky blow to the neck, becouse skull might be just too much for axe n00bs :-).

  86. Dal said, on October 3, 2007 at 2:22 pm

    This is why they don’t report railway/subway suicides here because people will just go and copy it. Humans are all just a bunch of macabre sheep!

  87. James said, on October 4, 2007 at 5:51 am

    Hey Az, you probably won’t read this, but if you do, i just wanted to say, things will get better for you soon, it might take some time, but i am sure you haven’t lost your youth just quite yet.
    Btw, i emailed you but never got a reply??? Oh well,
    Take care
    James

  88. The Teacher said, on October 4, 2007 at 7:35 am

    I found this post funny. University 1.5. I actually came to JET as an older, by comparrison, applicant. I had already been in the “real world.” I actually was a teacher. A real teacher. I thought it was funny how everyone kept worrying about whether or not their JTE would take the seriously. No. Why would they? You are not a real teacher. The 22 & 23-year olds are right out of college. They think they are here to “teach.” They think this is a “job.” No. You are in, as AZ said, University 1.5. The real world will not smack your ass until you head back to the States and find out how shitty the real world really is. Until then, you are immature and on an extended vacation. Enjoy it.

  89. Jenna said, on October 4, 2007 at 9:23 am

    i miss you

  90. SDM said, on October 5, 2007 at 2:45 pm

    Welcome, Az.
    From now on, all of your efforts will be deliberately sabotaged, devalued, and dismantled by people whom you will likely never meet but who will have a vested interest in your failure. You will spend many hours running like hell just to stay in the same place. All attempts at fun will have to be paid for by equal or more degrees of misery. You will be turned into a drone, hopeless and lifeless, forever toiling towards an end that you have long ago lost sight of. No amount of movies, games, or nookie will be able to lift the ever-increasing graying of your soul. You will accrue mountains of debt for things that you never recieve, and you will spend entire years paying off taxes for everything but the air you breathe. Eventually your body will slow down, your hair will gray, and you won’t be able to run as well as you used to. You will then be cast off like an old sock by those for whom you toiled so long. In the end, your only hope will be that you get to die before senility sets in.
    You’ve grown up. Welcome to the rest of the world.

  91. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    There they go admitting to their sins again. Are you sure the cops aren’t really sadistic interrogators?

  92. Anonymous said, on October 5, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    There they go admitting to their sins again. Are you sure the cops aren’t really sadistic interrogators?

  93. Javer said, on October 9, 2007 at 11:19 pm

    That first axe assault sounds suspiciously familiar to an incident in this visual novel, Higurashi no Naku Koro ni. Perhaps someone’s heard of it?
    . . . Nahhhh.

  94. Defectron said, on October 10, 2007 at 12:26 am

    Bet you wish you stayed a teacher now, you had fame…fortune…and a whole lot of japanese boys trying to stick their fingers in your butt.
    But now you no longer have time to have fingers stuck in your butt because you grew up! THIS IS LIFE AZ!!!! CAN YOU FEEL IT!?!?
    Damn it I’d just forgotten about all those “nice boat” comments everyones been throwing around and now I remember it again!

  95. djo said, on October 25, 2007 at 7:12 am

    If you go back to school, your lovely old life will be back, hahahhaa.

  96. Joe Bloggs said, on November 6, 2007 at 4:11 am

    I scanned through the comments, and I’m not sure, but it seems nobody had made this observation?
    The girl offs a *police officer in his prime*, while the boy doesn’t attacks some random dude of a father with an axe, *while he’s sleeping*, and *can’t even knock him out* after going at it ‘several times’? Like, the best he did was wake him up? ‘Dad, wakey wakey! Mind if I try to split your skull open with this here axe?’ ‘Sure son, I’ll be waiting right here!’
    What further demonstration do we need of the power of The Japanese Schoolgirl in berserker mode and the utter lameness of Japanese boys? (think back to basketball sports drink commercial–if the ad were done on women’s basketball the Japanese girl woulda left a trail of broken-off body parts behind after setting the hoop crashing down and on fire, I think)

  97. Exbury said, on February 9, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    First comment, love the site.
    “…I don’t really have dancing baby alligators, and if I did, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with them.”
    Pinball, that’s what you do with them (obscure reference team go!), or maybe that’s just me.

  98. Cameron said, on August 9, 2008 at 11:30 pm

    You know, I’ve been on the edge of my seat for pages wondering where your drive for reform would end up. Learn anything that you hadn’t figured out by the time you graduated from high school? But I got to speak up:
    These people weren’t typical, these were powderkegs. And someone taking a personal interest might’ve changed the outcome. Not jumping in and trying to fix it all, just hearing someone’s messages and responding with a true and sincere, “I hear you.” And there might be some decent advice to give if you’d heard the depth of it all, but it’s not always possible or even necessary.
    And you’ve probably already done it without even knowing. Don’t get the heebie-jeebies over what might have happened, what might be happening, just reflect on your positive contacts and think, ‘There but for the grace go I’ (grace of what is up to you, just go with that.) Cause I’m pretty sure you’re going to come across a news report describing someone similar to yourself that will make you think, “Holy shit. That could’ve been ME doing that, that sounds EXACTLY like something I wanted to do, when I was just an asshair away from completely losing it!”
    But the real point I was making (after so many years of nihonjin indirectness, is it more relieving or more insulting to hear someone follow up their analogies with ‘Here, let me spell it out for you?’) trying to force change in systems almost always results in a long-term mess, no matter how much that system needs that change or is receptive to it, no matter how well-intentioned the movement or well-considered the outcome. Making a change in an individual is relatively painless, more often rewarding in one way or another, and prevents messes like the ones your headlines describe. You must’ve figured this out before you even went to Japan, right?

  99. Kyodai said, on October 22, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    2 Words: Kancho 88.

  100. Deeks said, on November 17, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    “I’m thrilled and thankful that there are quite a few people interested in what I have to say.” Fuck yeah man! keep posting and we’ll keep reading

  101. Anonymous said, on July 31, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    all these news articles you post are SERIOUSLY starting to make me afraid of going to japan…..

  102. Anonymous said, on July 31, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    all these news articles you post are SERIOUSLY starting to make me afraid of going to japan…..


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