Gaijin Smash

Asian People Say the Darndest Things

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 29, 2007

One day I was screwing around on the computer at lunchtime. Unlike my English teacher gigs, this is a job where I actually have to do work. Unfortunately, I’d gotten used to browsing my favorite sites during the daytime, especially considering that it’s nighttime back in America, when many message boards are at their most active. One could theoretically make a witty post, and then check the thread in real-time for all the people who are “rofl”ing at the witty post and crediting the poster with having won the thread, sometimes even the whole internets.
Not that I do that, of course.
Anyway, the habit is kind of hard to break, so sometimes I’ll sneak peeks at my favorite pages when I can. I was doing that one such day, when the company president came up behind me. “What’cha doing?” He asks. He came up with all the silence and suddenness of a fucking ninja–I had no time to quickly switch over to an actual work window. I figured I’d been found out, and it was lunchtime anyway, so I was honest–“I’m just conversing with some friends back home on a message board.”
As for what I was posting about…well…it was about the first time we ever discovered the wonderful and beautiful artistic sport that is masturbation. Again, don’t ask how we got to this point. If you have to ask, you just haven’t been surfing the internets long enough.


My first ever wank was actually the Legendary No Hands Jack™. I was 12 years old–I was watching the Queen of Skin Flicks, Shannon Tweed, in one of her Showtime masterpieces, Night Eyes II. I was enjoying the movie very much, simply laying on my stomach on the bed. Next thing I knew, things felt really good, and then the bed was wet. I thought I’d pissed myself at first, but upon further inspection of the fluid, I found that it was actually a new substance. And thus began my long and continuous career of dolphin flogging. An Emmy-deserving story if ever there was one.
Anyway, so I’m writing about this, when the company president looks over my shoulder. Having lived in Japan for four years, I’ve learned to relax the reflexes when it comes to Japanese people looking over your shoulder. It usually doesn’t matter what you’re writing, as long as it’s in English they have no idea what you’re saying. As I mentioned before, I had students once looking over my shoulder at an editorial I was writing about them, and they just had no idea.
I forgot, though, that the prez has some decent English abilities.
“Man, this is really sleazy!” he says. …Whoops. Try to imagine, you’re a foreigner in a strange land, who finally lands a job doing serious, actual work…and your company president catches you talking about your masturbation experiences over the internet. I was mortified. Would I never be trusted again? Always looked at with a discriminating and condescending eye? Or even worse, flat-out fired? Luckily for me, this is Japan.
Laughing, the prez says, “Me too!” as he walks away. And I’m very glad he did walk away, because I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. “Sir, your first masturbation experience was with the No Hands Jack™ with Shannon Tweed and Night Eyes II? What a coincidence! You have *excellent* taste in softcore porn.”
The company that whacks together, stays together?
***
One day I was doing some translation work. Usually, we get the Japanese in an excel file, and then translate it into English. Simple enough. But sometimes, the Japanese used in the copy is very vague or seems completely out of place. For that reason, we also have actual copies of the catalog, so we can see the product. For example, I might be translating the copy for a stylish bag–the Japanese version of the copy may include a sentence like, “With enamel for the latest trends this season. And the brown bear is a nice touch.” …Bear? WTF?! How in God’s green earth did we go from trendy enamel to a muthafuckin bear? Is the bag really a delicious pic-a-nic basket? However, actually looking at the item in the fashion catalog, I find that the bag has a bear-shaped keychain. Okay, that makes sense.
The translation I was doing that day also had some really vague Japanese.
Fancy, stylish package gives this item a special charm. The rubbery smell is totally eliminated to make it more pleasing to women. Each of three different styles have a distinct feel. The mature feeling will enhance your romantic moments.
Rubbery smell? Mature feeling for romantic moments? Okay, I get the feeling we’re not quite talking about clothes anymore, but I still don’t really know what’s going on here. A look at the item name didn’t provide for any other helpful hints.
Jewels Collection
From here, I figured I could either dispatch my team of teenage sleuths and their trusty talking dog, and have them fumble around a haunted house/mansion/villa/cardboard box for 20 minutes until the stoner accidentally traps an old man wearing a phantom suit, who would then tell me what the hell it is I was translating, or just pop open the catalog and see for myself. As fun as option 1 sounded, I opted for the latter.
Ta-da! Yep, Japanese condoms.
I have to say, I’m more than a little surprised we sell them. My own personal preference aside, condoms have always struck me as a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. Like, you find yourself in a position where you will need condoms (you know…animal balloon shapes and whatnot), and you think, “Hey, I don’t have any. I’d better go get some.” I’ve never really thought of it as a premeditated act, much less something you’d have to buy from a mail-order company. But considering I get American condoms sent from home by Mom, I guess the reverse is possible for Japanese guys. “What is this, a condom or a trash bag? Is this for horses? I need a better fitting condom.” And thanks to our site, Mr. Tanaka doesn’t have to make any embarrassing phone calls to Mom.
So there I am at my desk, with a catalog spread open to the condom page. This 50-year old Japanese lady walks by my desk, and casually asks what I’m doing. I say “Oh, just translating,” but given how she’s Japanese, she’s almost obligated to look over my shoulder. Seriously, being Japanese means a lot of bowing, apologizing, and looking over people’s shoulders apparently. She does just that, and sees my catalog open to the condom page. Now, of all the things she could have possibly said here, what she did say was the one thing I couldn’t have possibly expected–“ah, hisashiburi.”
“Hisashiburi” is Japanese for “it’s been a long time.”
Now, I suppose it’s entirely possible that “hisashiburi” here could have meant that she’d been hitting it raw for the past 20 years. Given how sexless this country is however, and how Japanese men are particularly fond of young girls, in this case I took it to mean “I haven’t had sex for a long time.” And, if you think about it, this is a really freakin’ weird thing to say to one of your coworkers, even if he is translating catch-copies for condoms that he doesn’t use because they’re too small.
Have you ever taken a moment to ponder the events in your life that lead you up to a certain moment in time? Like, all the forces of nature and the universe that had to come together to produce a very specific event. I thought about what it had to take to get me, an American black guy, in a Japanese office translating condom catch-copies, and what it took to get a 50-year old Japanese woman looking over said guy’s shoulder, and to say “hisashiburi” upon seeing the condoms. The universe is one hell of a thing, isn’t it?
Anyway, despite being speechless, again, this time I actually do manage to say something. I say the first and only thing that comes to mind–“Sumimasen.” Trans: “I’m sorry.”
…I’m sorry for what exactly? I’m sorry you haven’t had sex in a long time? I’m sorry you don’t get to use these totally awesome condoms? Geez. I don’t think I can actually go back to America now. I’d be in jail for sexual harassment faster than you could say “ribbed for her pleasure.”
***
I sit next to a very eccentric and interesting Chinese lady. She primarily does customer support in Chinese, but will also do translation when the situation calls for it. She was doing translation one day, and then showed me what she was working on–the kids line of clothes. “Aren’t they so cute!” She says. “But oddly enough, none of these kids are actually Japanese.”
She’s pointed out something I’d noticed before. Now, we sell clothes that are made in Japan for a Japanese market. As you can imagine, the models for these clothes are…well….Japanese. Like this girl. And, her too. You get the point.
However, there are two clothing types where, suddenly, the models become Gaijin. One is the aforementioned kids. The other is underwear. In fact, underwear models are almost exclusively Gaijin women. As you thumb through the catalog, it’s kinda weird. Shirts, blouses, tank tops? Japanese. Pants, skirts, leggings? Japanese. Bras and panties? BAM! Suddenly Gaijin.
Of course, when I get to spend my whole day at work translating this, well, I can’t really complain.*
*Incidentally, if you find any weird/unnatural/wrong English…don’t crucify me, I didn’t do it. I can only do so many of the translations.
I point this out to the Chinese lady, and even show her my findings. “Why is that?” I wonder. She takes a moment to think about it, but quickly comes up with an answer. “You see,” she says, taking the catalog, “this is a beautiful model, isn’t it? Take a look–she sticks out here, there’s nice and round, oh…it’s sexy, right! We Asians, we can’t do that. The front, the back, it’s all flat!”
This woman has, in one sentence, owned Yellow Fever harder than I ever could in the past four years.
Now I am dying from laughter. The lady feels the need to further explain her point. “We’re trying to sell these clothes, right? You need a pretty picture to do that. Use a Gaijin model, and oh, very sexy! She’s got curves, peaks, valleys, all that jazz. Use a Japanese model, it’s just a plank wearing a bra and panties. Nobody’s going to buy that! The customers need to look at the picture and think, ‘Wow, that’s sexy! If I buy this bra and panties, then I’ll look like that too!’ So, that’s why the models suddenly become Gaijin.”
In between my laughs, I manage to ask, “But then, what happens when they buy the bra and panties and it doesn’t look like the picture in the catalog?”
The lady has an answer for this too. “That’s why our number one return merchandise is underwear. These Asian ladies buy the underwear, then they put it on and look in the mirror and think, ‘Hmm, that doesn’t look like what I ordered at all!’ …Of course it doesn’t! You don’t have the equipment for it. It’s just a bra and panties, not magic. You must remember that Asian women are just flat. The front, the back, the sides, flat. It’s kind of not fair, but we wouldn’t be able to sell anything with flat models.”
This doesn’t exactly explain why the kids models are Gaijin too. But after the answer I got for the underwear, I decided…I just didn’t want to know.

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131 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:07 am

    None of the links to the catalog work. 😥

  2. Anonymous said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:07 am

    None of the links to the catalog work. 😥

  3. TheGZeus said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:12 am

    I’m afraid those links fail… Timeout.
    I’d talk to your webmaster about his PHP configuration.
    (Az’s Note: To get the links to work, go to the main page first, and then they’ll load fine.
    I’ll look for an alternative in the meantime.)

  4. tangerine said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:30 am

    `The customers need to look at the picture and think “Wow, that’s sexy! If I buy this bra and panties, then I’ll look like that too!” So, that’s why the models suddenly become Gaijin.”`
    Aw, damn, and here I am teaching English, when the real job market was in underwear modelling all along. Talk about a missed opportunity. I get the surfing the net at work thing though, sometime there`s just waaay too much downtime, especially in August.

  5. Darkmoon said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:38 am

    The links work for me 🙂

  6. Anonymous said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:57 am

    Hey Az, how do you converse with your Chinese colleague? In English or Japanese?

  7. Anonymous said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:57 am

    Hey Az, how do you converse with your Chinese colleague? In English or Japanese?

  8. Shamie said, on August 29, 2007 at 5:58 am

    I have a couple female Asian-American friends (both full Chinese), both of them have American B/C-cups. One of them has a sister with an L-Cup. We have a friend from Japan, she is very much a Japanese girl in the curve department. When she found out their measurments, she said, “What?! You are not Asian!! That is not normal!!!” I’ve heard that regardless of your race or heritage, when children are born in another country, even if their race is full something else, they change with the environment they’re brought up in. While their parents stay the same.
    Random thing I thought about. (I blame a Human Geography course I took last year.)

  9. J-hoosier said, on August 29, 2007 at 6:17 am

    Ah yes, Night Eyes II. A fine piece of cinema for the young boys who just wanna see boobies. I remember it well. Ok, not that well. Just boobies.

  10. Festival6667 said, on August 29, 2007 at 6:30 am

    Say Az, just remember to take care when linking to something. Sure, it’s Japan and most people couldn’t care less about you, but companies can be touchy about blogs talking about them, especially if made by someone actually working for them. Well, is there is a possible (or suspected) liability of course.
    All of this to say that there’s no definite risk but better be a little safe than sorry. I’m saying this because there were some cases here in France where employers sued employees who blogged about their jobs and whose employers decided it was liable to the company’s image.
    Most of the bloggers won because it was impossible to know the company without some highly extensive research. But the lawyers still tried to beast on them Saotome-style if you what I mean.
    Well I’m pretty sure you know what you’re doing so keep up the good work.

  11. code monkey said, on August 29, 2007 at 7:06 am

    Do your coworkers know about gaijinsmash or you being Az? Because I doing the Scott Adams about my company and I’ve been wondering if management knows the actual content of my webcomic. To be fair though, it’s tough to identify the company unless you’ve worked or is still employed here and more or less, I’ve poked fun at both management and the employees.
    Say, your company website at least caters to non-Japanese speakers if its for Japan. I’ve used some websites that will obviously have non-Japanese speaking audiences but don’t have English translations.
    Keep up the good work!

  12. Zaty said, on August 29, 2007 at 8:44 am

    heya. new lurker here. heheh =)
    i dont think ALL asians are plankwoods with skin. it depends on which part of asia, really. if you look at the indians, they are have meat on their bones. the same goes for arabs. usually the japanese and chinese are thin-frammed. it’s the types of food i guess =P
    “You must remember that Asian women are just flat. The front, the back, the sides, flat.” (altho this is kinda generalised, i was ROFLOL)

  13. Dave Worley said, on August 29, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Awe-inspiring comment from the woman looking over your shoulder.
    I think I would have assploded in shock.

  14. Bolen said, on August 29, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    Az, This is one of those times in which you are lucky you are not working back in the USA. I’ve just had to finish taking a required company anti-harassment training course.
    What it boils down to is this. If someone comes barging into your personal space, looks over shoulder at what you are doing, and decides to be offended by it, then YOU are guilty of harassment. Worse still, it doesn’t matter if the person said anything to you about it at the time, or even if they laughed and said something positive. They are still free—days later—to change their minds and file a harassment complaint.
    (Az’s Note: Jeezus H. Merciful Cripes! Are you f’n kidding me?!
    God Bless Japan, I guess.)

  15. Joe said, on August 29, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    Az, I can’t believe you were unaware of the Gaijin kid models thing. Japanese people love Gaijin children. In fact for Gaijin kids, the Gaijin Perimeter is reversed. I have experienced this first hand. When I was 4-5 my father was stationed at the military base in Yokosuka. When I was that age I had almost platinum blonde hair(its brown now), and my 7 year-old sister did as well. Japanese people regularly gave us free candy, and generally seemed to regard us as the epitomy of cute. This was kinda a mixed bag though, since candy comes in wonderful flavors like oyster there.As a result its incredibley common for people stationed in Japan to model there children to make some extra cash. My parents almost modeled me, but given the choice between starting a career of her own, and pimping her child out, she chose her own career.

  16. Gorm said, on August 29, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    That older woman co-worker sounds like the cook at my work. She just starts telling people about her sex life, and shes done this since the day she started.

  17. dz said, on August 29, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    First visit the main page of the site and and click on one of the links on the right. Then come back to the article and the links work.

  18. GringoDownSouth said, on August 29, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    I wouldn’t worry about Az people, he’s a smart enough guy to know to talk to the president of the company before putting up links to their pages. Why would the company complain, anyways? Free publicity! They should send over a hottie with a cooler full of beer to hand feed Az beef, just to thank him.

  19. Colin said, on August 29, 2007 at 2:45 pm

    A Japanese friend of mine might actually have the answer to why they use gaijin kids instead of Japanese ones. Apparently, a lot of Japanese people consider foreign kids really cute (her included). Or, in her specific words (and I swear to God this is an actual quote), “[Japanese children] look like monkeys.”

  20. Jesus H. Christ said, on August 29, 2007 at 4:10 pm

    I’m pretty sure the children thing is te old bandwagon trick. “Every other race is wearing them.”

  21. Captain Canada said, on August 29, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    You made me laugh in class you asshole. Got me kicked out. Totally worth it though. Nice post.

  22. Phelps said, on August 29, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    Maybe they are afraid that Japanese boys and girls look too much alike, and that people might order boys clothes for a girl or vice versa unless they have gaijin models.

  23. Gomez said, on August 29, 2007 at 6:28 pm

    I would imagine that there is a big market for Japanese Condoms in America. Think about it, you tell your girl you have a mammoth sized wang and to help prove it you use the “Large Sized” condom you bought from Japan which helps the illusion that the wang is bigger than it really is. Hell this is more useful for guys who don’t want to acknowledge their own miniscule size by covering it up with a condom that is large for another country where in they are conisdered Behemmoths.
    Also I don’t really think you can trademark the Legendary No Hands Jack™ since my first time was almost exactly the same, just replace Shannon Tweed Movie with some Random Skinimax Flick. Hey man you had to share your first Jack so try not to be so creeped out.

  24. Ben said, on August 29, 2007 at 8:18 pm

    Shannon was my first, too… fond memories of watching TV with the sound off and hammering ‘standby’ if I heard my parents coming upstairs.

  25. Jenna said, on August 29, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    I feel bad saying this, but I think the children models are Gaijin because little Japanese boys and girls look the same. 😮
    I ❤ you AZ. If I ever come to your part of Japan will you have dinner with me?

  26. Zackarotto said, on August 29, 2007 at 8:56 pm

    Great post, but going by the fact that everything is in italics after “jewels collection”, I think you forgot to close a tag.

  27. Tone said, on August 29, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    the no hands is my bread and butter. I use it to perfect my technique..but that’s waaay too much information for the internets…sorry

  28. Bolen said, on August 29, 2007 at 11:22 pm

    Re: Harassment.
    Oh Az, it gets better. Here’s a harassment scenario straight from the training course.
    “Dillip” is leaving the office to return to India, so as a good-bye present, some co-workers buy a fancy multi-band cell phone. “Bob,” on his own time and equipment at home, makes a funny video clip for Dillip, and downloads it to the phone. Bob brings the phone in to the office to show the clip to some Dillip’s co-workers (male and female). They all think it’s great, and later, when Dillip receives the phone, he thinks it’s really funny too.
    BUT, while showing off the clip, Ms. Prude is attracted by the gathering at Bob’s cube, wanders over, and asks what’s going on. Bob explains the present and shows her the clip. Ms. Prude thinks the clip is offensive. “I feel unclean just watching it!” EVERYONE ELSE DISAGREES with Ms. Prude. But, that doesn’t matter; it’s harassment!

  29. Raw Shark. said, on August 29, 2007 at 11:52 pm

    That’s about how my first time masturbating went except I wasn’t watching anything I was just half-asleep at like 8:30 on a saturday morning having various fantasies.
    Nice stories as usual.

  30. El-ahrairah said, on August 30, 2007 at 12:20 am

    New company policy to boost morale and develop teamwork.
    BUKKAKE ON THE HOT CHICK!!

  31. IconOfSin24148 said, on August 30, 2007 at 2:53 am

    X-D
    I just died laughing.
    And yeah what dude said about the enviroment is pretty much true. I noticed Asian chicks over in America have curves and cleavage whereas in Japan and etc, they don’t always. Its amazing. There must be SOMETHING right in our diet, no? The land energy is messed up in Japan. You must set it right Az!

  32. Aine said, on August 30, 2007 at 4:46 am

    After looking at the loungerie, I was surprised that the models were caucasian because the designs seemed geared towards smaller people. Patterns, colors, and elaborate designs in order to create interest. it was strange to see big breasts with big patterns slapped on them.

  33. Belthasar2 said, on August 30, 2007 at 4:56 am

    Ah, Japanese and their comments.
    Some weeks ago I was participant of the Kobe University Summer Program for foreign students. One day I came to talk with some of the female Japanese supporters.
    At some point the conversation went like this:
    One of the girls:”So, what do you think about Japanese girls and their looks?”
    Me (the gentleman):”I think they’re beautiful.”
    Her:”So, you really like/love them?”
    Me (still the gentleman):”I’m saying nothing to that.”
    Her:”Yeah, I know, it’s not so easy because mostly we don’t have any breasts or asses, right?”
    Me (stunned):” … …”
    How do you answer to something like this in Japanese, English, German or any other language of this world? I have no idea.
    Take care,
    “Yeah, Japan’s weird, did you know that?”

  34. Prodigal Priest said, on August 30, 2007 at 7:18 am

    I just about died laughing after seeing what the chinese lady had to say ^_^. She was spot-on with her observations.
    BTW, all the adult gaijin models you showed were not bad… but, the last model you showed…. hawtter than the Devil’s nuts!
    Another funny read & interesting bit of facts, Az :).

  35. Toepopper said, on August 30, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    Actually there’s another reason for using Japanese condoms — they can be thinner than standard American brands. That’s a minus for endurance but a big big plus for enjoyment.
    Course I don’t use most Japanese brands because guess what — they’re too small and too tight. And I’m Asian!

  36. Someone said, on August 30, 2007 at 3:04 pm

    You win the entire internet.

  37. neil said, on August 30, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    I love that you are translating into the fluent english the description of shirts that have some pretty amusing english:
    “100% Orange. How nice this Orange looks!”
    “Comfortable time is spent feeling the breeze”
    “How to Glow Love”
    “Have a free view up to the sky”
    “I say no to cigarette but they don’t listen”

  38. Kevin Layne said, on August 30, 2007 at 3:49 pm

    If you watch any of the Japanese Cartoons (Bleach, Naruto), none of the main characters look japanese. They all look like gaijin. Maybe the same way gamers from the west like to hear the original japanese in their games, and the japanese like to hear the english, it could be along the same vein. Who knows? We are all pretty much screwed up anyway…

  39. ytter_man said, on August 30, 2007 at 6:36 pm

    haha oh wow. it’s not too unusual with some people to make a joke or something between friends, IE “I got laid last night! w00t” or something around here, but some old chinese woman being serious about it… wow.
    and people who file a harassment suit over something petty are the biggest losers.
    keep up the good work Az!

  40. feitclub said, on August 31, 2007 at 5:16 am

    For the record, I couldn’t view the catalog links.
    I think the reason for the gaijin-underwear-model phenomenon is that any Japanese woman curvy enough to sell underwear is probably working as a gravure model, race queen, or is doing porn. And Japanese kids are too busy to have a job! They’re in school all day, then they play sports or join a club which takes up all the remaining time in their lives. Even in the summer I see Japanese kids playing sports at school.

  41. Nemuri said, on August 31, 2007 at 9:08 am

    Here come the /b/ allusions again !
    I must admit i never saw any gaijin women with” kukkiri” tatooed on their breasts… have you ? if so, well, a winrar is you.

  42. Kelly said, on August 31, 2007 at 11:55 am

    None of the catalog links work. I don’t even know what it says.

  43. Kelly said, on August 31, 2007 at 11:55 am

    None of the catalog links work. I don’t even know what it says.
    Good stories today, though.

  44. Anonymous said, on August 31, 2007 at 10:49 pm

    If you have Firefox with NoScript installed, it’ll prevent the redirect, and you can see the images. Just don’t allow the site.

  45. Anonymous said, on August 31, 2007 at 10:49 pm

    If you have Firefox with NoScript installed, it’ll prevent the redirect, and you can see the images. Just don’t allow the site.

  46. ruisu said, on September 1, 2007 at 6:06 am

    o shit son, this blog is from 2004? i can’t be sad when i click on your rss and see it’s not updated. i can go to your archives. +1 happy exp

  47. gusto said, on September 1, 2007 at 6:37 am

    the “comments” link doesn’t work off the main page… it is linked to the incorrect article name

  48. uremog said, on September 1, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    this innocent looking exchange student at my university once told me that she doesn’t like American condoms because they’re too thick.
    BOOM
    and she looked so innocent.
    oh, and if you’re trying to solve the link problem, i’m not sure you can, since the top page probably sets the browser’s session, so visiting it would be a requirement to viewing the rest (otherwise the programming will go “where the fuck is my session variable, help!”).

  49. Ravsieg said, on September 1, 2007 at 10:01 pm

    I have to say, this entry reminded of the golden times. Even though they’ve all been funny, it hasn’t been THIS funny for a long time. Thanks for sharing!

  50. Saben said, on September 2, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    I just saw your site advertised as one of my ads on gmail…. In Japanese. Apparently gmail thinks that because I send the occasional email in Japanese I now want Japanese spam!

  51. Anonymous said, on September 4, 2007 at 7:51 pm

    Oh, Az. Roffling and winning internets? You’re not a /b/tard are you?

  52. Anonymous said, on September 4, 2007 at 7:51 pm

    Oh, Az. Roffling and winning internets? You’re not a /b/tard are you?

  53. ONYX said, on September 5, 2007 at 5:25 pm

    AZ, after your “sumimasen” responce to the 50yr old lady did she say anthing else or turn back and give you any looks?? That good stuff.
    “feel bad saying this, but I think the children models are Gaijin because little Japanese boys and girls look the same. :o”
    Omoshiroi! lol
    “I ❤ you AZ. If I ever come to your part of Japan will you have dinner with me?”
    Kawai.. (o_0)

  54. Kat said, on September 6, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    I think mostly everybody thinks foreign children are cute. I think black and Asian kids are absolutely adorable, but when I see white kids I’m usually indifferent.

  55. Gnome said, on September 7, 2007 at 9:37 am

    Why must I wait so long between posts? I need a weird Japan fix.

  56. Anonymous said, on September 7, 2007 at 5:28 pm

    I forgot about typhoon season! I hope you’re ok over there. Stay safe!

  57. Anonymous said, on September 7, 2007 at 5:28 pm

    I forgot about typhoon season! I hope you’re ok over there. Stay safe!

  58. PlepisisioH said, on September 8, 2007 at 4:39 am

    IF ONLY more asian women could have a body like Yoko Matsugane.

  59. Anonymous said, on September 8, 2007 at 5:16 am

    “Try to imagine, you’re a foreigner in a strange land, who finally lands a job doing serious, actual work…and your company president catches you talking about your masturbation experiences over the internet.”
    Just be thankful you have a job where no one is trying to Kancho you.
    Yet. >:)

  60. Anonymous said, on September 8, 2007 at 5:16 am

    “Try to imagine, you’re a foreigner in a strange land, who finally lands a job doing serious, actual work…and your company president catches you talking about your masturbation experiences over the internet.”
    Just be thankful you have a job where no one is trying to Kancho you.
    Yet. >:)

  61. Joe said, on September 9, 2007 at 12:03 am

    my friends and I just discovered this site last night and I have to say as someone who will undoubtily be moving to Japan soon
    YOU ARE MY NEW HERO!

  62. Anonymous said, on September 9, 2007 at 12:34 am

    too many times have i been at the “oh shit i need a condom moment and without one the opportunity to use them passed by unsavoured, now i keep a pack spare, I have come to see them as the tokens required for sex ( so as not to get any STDs (WTF did it change to STI?) cause without them i’d have to settle for head (which sucks compared, even to condom sex as vaginas don’t have teeth to grind up the sides) so for me Az, i’d have to say that these days a condom is a premeditated thing and many other friends of mine think the same

  63. Anonymous said, on September 9, 2007 at 12:34 am

    too many times have i been at the “oh shit i need a condom moment and without one the opportunity to use them passed by unsavoured, now i keep a pack spare, I have come to see them as the tokens required for sex ( so as not to get any STDs (WTF did it change to STI?) cause without them i’d have to settle for head (which sucks compared, even to condom sex as vaginas don’t have teeth to grind up the sides) so for me Az, i’d have to say that these days a condom is a premeditated thing and many other friends of mine think the same

  64. CF said, on September 9, 2007 at 3:09 am

    “He came up with all the silence and suddenness of a fucking ninja–I had no time to quickly switch over to an actual work window.”
    No matter *how* embarrassing or ridiculous your
    workplace gets, just remember this: You are enter-
    ing a workplace where you *DO NOT* have to worry
    about people trying to grab your penis and/or stick
    fingers up your ass[1]. That alone should be
    enough to get one through *any* embarrassment or
    ridiculousness.
    [1: …yet…. ]

  65. Rei_ichigo said, on September 10, 2007 at 10:11 pm

    T-T I miss your articles…update…..please?

  66. Ali said, on September 11, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    Az, dude, where are you?

  67. JohnSmith872 said, on September 11, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    I feel sad. I find myself rushing to http://www.gaijinsmash.net every day after school, hoping, begging, PRAYING for a new article. Without realizing it, I have found myself to be OBSESSED with your editorial, Az. I’ve been reading it since about a year, and the humor in all of these articles beats 98% of the stuff I’ve ever seen or read, and that’s the honest truth. You have a true sense of humor. Anytime I see a new article, I silently cheer in my head, prepare myself (release of waste, taking care of anything that may interrupt my reading, etc.), click on the page, and bask in the juicy goodness of another hysterical anecdote about Japan’s culture and/or people.
    Anyway, I’ve grown pretty sad to see that you’re updating much less frequently. I know you’re obviously not OBLIGED to entertain us, but I hope sometime in the future you’ll get back to a regular, more frequent schedule again.
    -Your big fan, JohnSmith872

  68. Ritsuka said, on September 11, 2007 at 11:53 pm

    You are missed, Az. Every day, I log onto the site, hoping, anticipating, wishing for a new entry.
    Have you any idea how my faith in you takes a hit every time there isn’t one?
    Because of you, I haven’t truly laughed since your last entry was posted… : [

  69. Caged Penguin said, on September 12, 2007 at 12:06 am

    Welp, guess since Az has a ‘normal’ job and a girlfriend he just doesn’t have as much to write about anymore.
    Sad.
    Welp, guess now all we can do is hope for the “I am a japanese english teacher” manga and anime now.

  70. Caged Penguin said, on September 12, 2007 at 12:06 am

    Welp, guess since Az has a ‘normal’ job and a girlfriend he just doesn’t have as much to write about anymore.
    Sad.
    Welp, guess now all we can do is hope for the “I am a japanese english teacher” manga and anime now.

  71. eL Thorsen said, on September 12, 2007 at 5:29 am

    Hope the wind got you off work, but nothing worse… ^_^

  72. Rick Steed said, on September 12, 2007 at 7:33 am

    Az man, what’s up?
    update?! c’mon man I haven’t had a good dose of tha A-Z in a while! hurry up playa!

  73. Anonymous said, on September 12, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Awesomeness, AZ we require it… pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    eeeeeeeaseeeee
    write a new article one of these days.

  74. Anonymous said, on September 12, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Awesomeness, AZ we require it… pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    eeeeeeeaseeeee
    write a new article one of these days.

  75. Ray said, on September 12, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    For nice Japanese boobies try
    麻美ゆま – ネイキッドビーナス

  76. Anonymous said, on September 12, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    “o shit son, this blog is from 2004? i can’t be sad when i click on your rss and see it’s not updated. i can go to your archives. +1 happy exp”
    I take it back, update you summabitch!

  77. Anonymous said, on September 12, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    “o shit son, this blog is from 2004? i can’t be sad when i click on your rss and see it’s not updated. i can go to your archives. +1 happy exp”
    I take it back, update you summabitch!

  78. Melanie said, on September 12, 2007 at 7:16 pm

    Az, I have been reading you forever, faithfully, and I must admit its getting harder and harder to come back due to the lack of updates. Youre too funny to fade into oblivion. Come back!

  79. Dave Worley said, on September 13, 2007 at 8:08 am

    Are you dead son?
    I’m almost missing you!

  80. zhoa said, on September 14, 2007 at 1:11 am

    SOOOOOOO are you still alive YES NO??

  81. wang chung said, on September 14, 2007 at 6:28 am

    Yep Az, add me to the list of people who check the site multiple times a day on average. Even when no updates come for weeks. If you can muster it, many peoples’ lives will be better as a result. And, I will personally buy you dinner, or something, when I’m in Japan next month.
    Meanwhile I will patiently await the goodness to come. I do understand your committment to quality, which means we can’t always expect an update when your life gets too hectic.

  82. Goggles said, on September 14, 2007 at 9:26 am

    Az, where are j00000000000000?! Oh, and I think I may be going to Kyoto in a year or so for study abroad (if my univ. doesn’t get a program with Sophia univ. in Tokyo first), so thumbs up or down?

  83. Anonymous said, on September 14, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    yo nigga!

    ‘nugh said!

  84. Anonymous said, on September 14, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    yo nigga!



    ‘nugh said!

  85. Anonymous said, on September 14, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    Dammit, does any make good enough money to fly over to Japan and poke Az for all of us (or if someone already lives in Japan, even better)? They can borrow my poking stick- it’s 90% effective in catching someone’s attention although it does often have a side effect of annoyance.
    I’ve been reading Az’s articles for over two years now; I can’t believe his absence is the first time I’ve ever posted anything (well, I guess second now). See Az hurry up and update! You’re making your fans post pointless comments!

  86. Anonymous said, on September 14, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    Dammit, does any make good enough money to fly over to Japan and poke Az for all of us (or if someone already lives in Japan, even better)? They can borrow my poking stick- it’s 90% effective in catching someone’s attention although it does often have a side effect of annoyance.
    I’ve been reading Az’s articles for over two years now; I can’t believe his absence is the first time I’ve ever posted anything (well, I guess second now). See Az hurry up and update! You’re making your fans post pointless comments!

  87. Ivan the Terrible said, on September 14, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    RIP Azrael

  88. Dave Worley said, on September 14, 2007 at 6:51 pm

    Az’s Disappearance – POST THEORIES HERE
    My money goes on Az being abducted by some stuck-in-the-80s Japanese ‘Transformers’ fans that are hell bent on revenge for his comments about the aforementioned show in a previous blog.
    I reckon he was tortured by the gang by placing him in front of several virgins whilst surrounded by snakes. On a plane.
    Following this harrowing experience, I am going to assume he was fed to Japanese killer-mice which stripped him of any flesh within seconds, creating a huge manga dustcloud in the process.
    RIP Az. Fallen to the rodents of hell, but not forgotten.
    … Or he could just be on holiday.

  89. Concerned Anonymous said, on September 14, 2007 at 7:31 pm

    Az, are you dead?

  90. Navi said, on September 15, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    Somebody needs to go to Japan and make sure Az is OK. 😦

  91. Goggles said, on September 15, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    WHERE ARE J0000000000000!!!!!????

  92. zhoa said, on September 16, 2007 at 5:31 am

    so does anyone else think that AZ’z next post will say guys its been a good run but am done with gaijin smash ect ect

  93. Victor said, on September 16, 2007 at 6:17 am

    Aw are the people giving you a hard time? No pressure from me dude! Anytime you feel like writing – till then I’ll keep checking back…

  94. d said, on September 16, 2007 at 6:16 pm

    It’s a sad but unavoidable fact: office-worker cubicle life is boring. It doesn’t provide the juicy blog fodder that eikaiwa-work does.

  95. Anonymous said, on September 17, 2007 at 1:21 am

    Az, you still alive?

  96. Anonymous said, on September 17, 2007 at 1:21 am

    Az, you still alive?

  97. Ashton said, on September 17, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    AZ!!!! where u be bitch???!! plz write more! ur comedic take on ur tribulations in Japan make my day so much better

  98. Snake712 said, on September 17, 2007 at 5:42 pm

    PLEASE don’t let this site die, Az! At least post to tell us what happened.

  99. Hyena said, on September 18, 2007 at 12:43 am

    You better have had a car crash! cuz if your
    excuse for not updating isn’t a car crash (or something equally as good), your next
    excuse will be. GRRR!!!

  100. zhoa said, on September 18, 2007 at 1:35 am

    were is you just post something that says HI am still around and all thats all i want

  101. Ilhares said, on September 18, 2007 at 6:46 am

    Man, that’s a long break without warning. Hope Az didn’t lose his PC.

  102. ZOMG said, on September 19, 2007 at 3:31 am

    AZ(rael) the Visualiza can’t be dead

  103. scope said, on September 19, 2007 at 3:48 am

    dont get it… wasnt there a full year of built up entries? (while the old outpost9 posts caught up on gaijinsmash)

  104. Ali said, on September 19, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    we neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed our AZ fix. Even if it’s not a whole editorial could you just put in a message to say that you havnt forgotten us?

  105. Anonymous said, on September 19, 2007 at 5:02 pm

    Come baaaaaack…..
    We know you have a life, but, y’know…throw it aside for a bit 🙂

  106. Anonymous said, on September 19, 2007 at 5:02 pm

    Come baaaaaack…..
    We know you have a life, but, y’know…throw it aside for a bit 🙂

  107. Anonymous said, on September 19, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    Ground control to Major Tom.
    Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong.
    Can you hear me Major Tom?
    Can you hear me Major Tom?
    Can you hear me Major Tom?

  108. Anonymous said, on September 19, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    Ground control to Major Tom.
    Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong.
    Can you hear me Major Tom?
    Can you hear me Major Tom?
    Can you hear me Major Tom?

  109. Optimus Przzime! said, on September 20, 2007 at 5:30 am

    ehm…seriously, are you ok az? you´ve been hush hush for a while now, hope everything´s ok there!

  110. Cats said, on September 20, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    I’m actually a little worried. I hope you’re okay, AZ. =(

  111. rubbav1 said, on September 20, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    AZREAL IS DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD

  112. Anonymous said, on September 21, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    We really are worried about you. Even if you don’t have an article to post, just a “I’m alive, don’t worry” would be nice.

  113. Anonymous said, on September 21, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    We really are worried about you. Even if you don’t have an article to post, just a “I’m alive, don’t worry” would be nice.

  114. Snake712 said, on September 23, 2007 at 12:26 am

    Dude, where have you been all month? WE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOUUUUUUU…U!

  115. Gunzo said, on September 23, 2007 at 7:38 am

    Dude…. creeping up on the one month line here.
    Also, what Melanie said.

  116. Anonymous said, on September 23, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    Almost a month without an entry.
    The Ninjas finally got Az!

  117. Nick said, on September 23, 2007 at 7:09 pm

    dude.. where you at??!?!?!
    i check every day waiting for something new
    X__X

  118. FeeZ said, on September 23, 2007 at 8:42 pm

    It’s almost going to be a month since his last poast!

  119. raye said, on September 23, 2007 at 10:58 pm

    Hey, I hope you didn’t get in trouble with your job for the flow of traffic to their sites from the links posted. Hope everything is okay.

  120. Vidgmchtr said, on September 24, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    Anyone notice how everything is in italics after a certain point? It’s been almost a month…

  121. SilverExl said, on September 24, 2007 at 8:35 pm

    Been Reading since OP9, this is the first time i comment and i wished it weren’t to find out if you’re ok or not.
    If You’re too busy with work just drop a line or two just to ease our worries.
    Hope to hear from you soon.

  122. KC said, on September 25, 2007 at 1:02 am

    I miss your editorials. But if you’re happy with your chick and your job, then I can understand why it’s taking you awhile to come back. Have fun and hope to see you again soon!

  123. Anonymous said, on September 25, 2007 at 2:00 am

    Strange things are afoot at the Circle K…
    I’d never been to one before I went to Japan, come to think of it…

  124. Anonymous said, on September 25, 2007 at 2:00 am

    Strange things are afoot at the Circle K…
    I’d never been to one before I went to Japan, come to think of it…

  125. soulpaladin said, on September 25, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    Konbanha, Az!
    I hope you are doing ok, since you haven’t updated your post. I can only hope that nothing bad has happened to you. So please take care of yourself and stay healthy. (^o^)
    Oyasumi Nasai!
    Regards,
    soulpaladin

  126. Theamisharecoming! said, on September 25, 2007 at 4:37 pm

    dude, you alive? didn’t meet up with watson and get kancho’d into the hospital did you? (btw, please don’t be hospitalized because then I would feel horribly guilty.)

  127. flp said, on September 26, 2007 at 9:18 am

    Let me follow the trend and ask: where the heck are you?

  128. Prodigal Priest said, on September 26, 2007 at 6:07 pm

    He -did- say he was swamped with work, so updates would be erratic :). I miss them too, but I guess like the rest of us I’ll have to wait some more.
    Hope things get less hectic in the future, Az. You may be in Japan, but you’re a human being, not a mecha, no matter how masochistic you might get over there xD.
    Take care, man :).

  129. Shaun said, on September 26, 2007 at 11:12 pm

    I think Az must have been finally converted, perhaps japan finally assimilated him, Borg Style.

  130. MilkChan said, on October 15, 2007 at 1:40 am

    I lol’d at “Me too”

  131. Angela said, on March 14, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    I see you were browsing the trusty ol 4chan.
    Gotta love it.


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