Gaijin Smash

Soft Smash

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 22, 2007

There’s an outlet mall near the airport in Osaka. I went out there one day to pick up a new pair of shoes. As you can imagine, buying shoes in Japan is damn near impossible for me. I wear somewhere around a size 13 US, which translates into 30~32 centimeters Japanese. I used to go into a shoe store, browse around, find a shoe I liked, only to ask about the sizes and find that they only had up to 28. Eventually, I wised up, and before even looking at one pair of shoes, I’d go directly to the store clerk and ask if they had my size.
Me: Um, excuse me, but do you have a size 32?
Clerk: EH?! 32?! I’m terribly sorry, but…
Me: Okay, well, thanks anyway.
Clerk: (as I’m walking away) Holy FUCK, 32? Was that a human that just came into our store, or a Big-Footed alien?!
Most times, when my shoes are getting worn, I have mom send me a new pair from America. She’s got decent taste in shoes, and I’ve found that it’s MUCH easier to ask Mom to send shoes than to send condoms. Though I have to wonder, what does poor Mom think?
Friend: Hey, what’s your son doing in Japan?
Mom: Judging by the care packages I send him, going on massive walking treks, and having lots of sex apparently.
This time though, I didn’t have time to put in the Mom request, so I headed out to the outlet. As they import straight from America, and considering the proximity to the airport, they actually do have a decent range of sizes. I bought myself a nice size 32 pair of Timberland’s, at a pretty good price.
Interestingly enough though, none of this is actually relevant to the point of this article.
I went with my girlfriend. We went by a train line called Nankai. And that’s how we expected to come back, but as we arrived in central Osaka, we found ourselves at a JR station. How, exactly, this happened, we have no bloody idea. I can only say that it’s Japan, and apparently, trains will just up and change lines for no apparent reason. I think this is why Japanese people have that “wake up at my stop” superpower, because if they didn’t, they might find that their train has stopped in Russia.


This might have been fine if we were using normal tickets, but of course we weren’t. I had my magical sensor card, and my girlfriend was using a pass card. As far as train lines go, JR is retarded, and they don’t accept our specific type of magical sensor card and merely ordinary pass card. What this meant was that we were going to have to have to pay out of pocket the JR price, and then get a note from the JR station that the unsettled balance on our rail cards was, in fact, settled, for the next time we wanted to use the cards at the 1.37 billion other train lines in Japan that aren’t as retarded as JR.
My girlfriend and I lined up at the gate. She explained our situation, and the JR station guy began to fill out a note for her while she paid the ticket price. While standing there, a light bulb went off in my head–You don’t have to pay the ticket price. Just Gaijin Smash this dude. I’m not sure why I came to this conclusion–perhaps it was the way he refused to look directly at me? And while you might argue that he was just focusing his energies on the current patron, the guy did manage to look everywhere else. The look in his eyes too resembled that of prey, hoping that if it didn’t make eye contact with the circling predator, maybe, just maybe, it would turn invisible.
So after my girlfriend paid for her ticket…I simply smiled at the guy, and walked through the gate. The guy returns my smile, and says nothing as I pass through. My girlfriend is shocked. “What the hell?! You didn’t pay! And he didn’t even care! What in the?!”
I realized then that, in all our time together, while she’s been witness to a lot of the other Gaijin Superpowers, this was her first time seeing a Gaijin Smash.
I repeated the Gaijin Smash at the next train station. Since I hadn’t paid at JR, I didn’t have the little note saying I’d settled the balance on my card. My girlfriend is freaking out–“You can’t do that, they’re going to arrest you!” Maybe, if I was Japanese. But not with the Gaijin Smash on my side! I handed the card to the guy, and in the clearest, most perfect English I could muster, said, “Oh, I made a mistake on this card, can you erase it?” Of course, I could have said, “I like pleasure spiked with pain and you can be my aeroplane” and it would have been all the same to this guy. He looks at me, blinks a few times, takes the card, and promptly erases the old charge.
The girlfriend is amazed. “Wow, you just rode all the way to the airport and back, totally for free! And just because you’re a Gaijin?! Man, I wish I was a Gaijin…”
Though the powers of the Gaijin are great, the burden and responsibility are also much to bear. It is our blessing, it is our curse.
***
Despite having coined this term, I actually do not Gaijin Smash all that often. I don’t like the stereotype of “big, rampaging Gaijin” and do my best to show the Japanese that we actually CAN fit into their society if they let us.
But sometimes…you just gotta smash someone.
I bought a new cell phone recently. It’s one of those super-ultra-advanced deals, with a built-in TV, electronic wallet, mp3 player, movie player, full internet browser, GPS tracking system, digital money, news, sports, and weather forecasts, mind-reading, lasers, light sabers, and a replicator that can only produce hot earl grey tea. Oh yeah, and it also makes phone calls too and stuff.
With my new super-phone, I began to think–hey, I wonder if I can watch porn on this thing?
For the ladies in the audience thinking, “How the hell did he arrive at that?!” it’s pretty simple–I’m a guy. Give us a screen or display of some sorts, and we will wonder if you can watch porn on it. If there was a way to watch porn on those handheld Tiger LCD games, we would. What many mathematicians don’t want you to know is, if you calculate the Pythagorean Theorem on an abacus, it’ll show you the first 20 minutes of Debbie Does Dallas.
Perhaps I was inspired by all the old men who read porn magazines and newspapers on the trains? They’re not even trying to be subtle about that shit, they just spread it open, and there’s some girl in lace lingerie with her (non-existent) tits hanging out, as she’s sitting spread eagle with the caption “I’m wet and waiting for you tonight!” The guy will be thoroughly engrossed in it, like he’s reading the Nikkei or some shit. “Let’s see…Sony’s down…Matsushita’s up…and Yuko took some naughty pictures with her friends, and she’s willing to share them in this limited offer.”
So one day on the train, I tried browsing for a little porn on my phone. I actually found a site that looked promising. Before I could get the goods though, I had to go through a series of verification screens, each one requesting more personal information from me. Now, any sane, rational human would realize that this was some sort of trap, but men who are locked in on porn aren’t exactly sane and rational, are we? Logic, deductive reasoning? Right out the nearest window.
I finished progressing through the screen, and eventually, I got to a final screen. I was quite surprised to find this message.
“Thank you for completing your registration! We request that you submit your payment up front. Please pay the balance of $1200 in the next three days.”
Wha…tha…FUCK?!
Now, everybody knows the Cardinal Rule of the Internet–never pay for porn. This usually applies for some site where you have to buy a $60 dollar, year-long membership or something. But, $1200?! For 6 months?! Of shitty cell phone porn?! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my LIFE. You could tell me that the Grand Canyon is made out of rocky road ice cream, and the reason it’s a crater is because Kate Moss got hungry, and ate so much that she actually imploded into herself, becoming a human black star, and I would still find that more believable than $1200 for 6 months of cell phone porn.
Clearly, there was only one thing I could do–not pay.
I’ve found, in my 26 years here on Earth, that when you sign up for some service from a company, most companies expect you to pay for the service you’re getting. And if you don’t pay, they tend to get a little angry, and pesky. That’s what happened here, someone from this rip-off service called me, and judging by the tone and speed of his voice, he wasn’t too happy with me.
I’m pretty good at Japanese listening comprehension, but this guy was talking like that dude who used to do the Micro Machines commercials/was the voice of Blur in S3 of the G1 Transformers cartoon. I didn’t fully understand what he said, so I was about to ask him to repeat himself, when the ever-present, omnipotent voice chimed in again.
Voice: Dude. It’s time for another Gaijin Smash.
Me: Again? Over the phone? I don’t think it works over the phone.
Voice: It can be done. Do not underestimate your Gaijin powers!
Me: I dunno….I guess I can try
Voice: No, do. Do or do not, there is no try.
I decided, the Long Distance Gaijin Smash was worth a shot, especially since the alternative was trying to convince this guy why I didn’t owe him $1200 for cell phone porn. In the most basic, somewhat broken Japanese I could muster, I asked, “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” Dude catches on quick–“Hold on, are you not Japanese?” “No, I’m not Japanese.” I say in English. “What country are you from?” The guy asks. I respond that I’m American. “Huh?” He says. “I’m American.” “What?”
I know it wasn’t a problem with my vocabulary, or pronunciation. “I’m American” is something you learn in Japanese 1. It’s one of the most basic and fundamental Japanese phrases you’ll learn, right up there with “My name is,” “I’m sorry,” and “I have pancreatic cancer.” Why didn’t dude understand me, then? It’s a side-effect of the Gaijin Smash, the Gaijin Blackout. The Japanese person is so flustered, so mind-blown over you not being Japanese, that they instantly become incapable of normal human functions. A Gaijin can speak perfect Japanese to them, and they would fail to comprehend even one word. I think you could even punch a Gajin Blackout-afflicted Japanese right in the face, and they would be too flabbergasted to fall down.
So then the guy does the unthinkable–he hangs up on me! Japan is a country where customer service is not just valued–it’s revered. And somehow, through the phone lines, I’d Gaijin Smashed him so hard that he actually hung up the phone on a customer. Nice. At any rate, now I no longer have to pay $1200 for shitty cell phone porn.
Ah, being foreign in Japan. Free train rides and cell phone porn. Really, do you need anything more than that?

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118 Responses

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  1. Mayhem said, on August 22, 2007 at 4:38 am

    Gaijin Smash FTW! πŸ˜€
    I’ll have to remember these sage lessons when I visit the country myself heh…

  2. Verg said, on August 22, 2007 at 4:44 am

    Do you still get to keep said shitty cell phone porn?

  3. nemuri said, on August 22, 2007 at 5:02 am

    my my, don’t tell me you had forgoten the rule 2 of the Internet ! If rule 1 is “never pay for porn” (btw rule 1a is “never pay for anything”), then rule 2 is “never give personal infos”, which can be rephrased as “Always tell shit to people” or something.

  4. Dante said, on August 22, 2007 at 5:02 am

    The gaijin is a path to many abilities most japanese consider to be… unnatural!

  5. Tristan said, on August 22, 2007 at 5:08 am

    I remember Gaijin Smashing a couple of times when i was over in Japan, the most memorable being on a bus in Kyoto. I’d got myself on the wrong one somehow and taken a ride halfway across town, i just walked upto the bus driver showed him the wrong pass, smiled and walked off.
    I do know what you mean about customer service being second only to Buddha/Shinto equivalent or something over there. Its insane how much they are willing to bend over for you.

  6. sarai-chan said, on August 22, 2007 at 5:36 am

    Gaijin Smash rocks.
    Japan, here I come!
    No, wait.
    I can’t.
    Just keep ’em stories coming up!
    (Greetings from Finland)

  7. Lucky said, on August 22, 2007 at 5:51 am

    That was awesome…. Gaijin Blackout, superb..

  8. Damien said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:19 am

    Awesome! Were you of a more evil disposition, you could rule that country just by Gaijin smashing your way to the position of high emperor! Not that I’m trying to give you ideas…

  9. Martin Hansen said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:31 am

    OMG u are back. Please don’t be so long to update. I almost vent to Japan to help in the rescue attempt since you must have fallen into a hole…In another note is there a person I can talk to about my “Gaijin Smash” addiction.

  10. Caged Penguin said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:55 am

    Ok guys, I found Az’s early videos of him trying to track down the gaijin cock slurpers.

    Az, you naughty naughty big black man =p

  11. That guy said, on August 22, 2007 at 7:38 am

    I liked the RHCP reference.

  12. Mark said, on August 22, 2007 at 8:03 am

    “Gaijin Blackout?” That’s even funnier. I know what you mean, I live in neighboring Korea, and to get out of sticky situations, I play the foreigner and act stupid. But for some dumb reason, the Gaijin Blackout kicks in at the wrong times: when I’m looking for an item at a store, and they see I’m a foreigner, they assume I can’t speak Korean and act like all of our pronunciation of Korean is straight from the pits of heck, and it all goes down from there.
    But keep the stories, I always check this bi-weekly for the latest, goofy stories.
    I also visited Osaka last month, and I found it to be a great and fun city.

  13. Jeeves said, on August 22, 2007 at 8:27 am

    I loved the “Aeroplane” reference…that’s my favorite RHCP song

  14. Dave Worley said, on August 22, 2007 at 8:31 am

    Dude where the fuck did you go!?
    I had to resort to masturbating with sandpaper and leaving poisoned milk out for the hedgehogs. The mother-fuckers never drank it either, so I drank it instead.
    So I’m writing this from hospital, where the wireless connection is shit. Fabrication? Maybe.

  15. wildthang7864 said, on August 22, 2007 at 8:31 am

    Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Great post, Az!!

  16. FΓ«aluinix said, on August 22, 2007 at 8:33 am

    …Is it true? This site still…updates?
    And I’d really move “Never give out personal info online” as rule #1; “Never pay for online pr0n” is just a corollary.

  17. celestial-salamander said, on August 22, 2007 at 8:49 am

    when ever i have looked at a lot of internet porn i will worry that i might have acidently sined up for something.
    oh god so it can atualy happen. i am atualy sceard

  18. AutumnFire said, on August 22, 2007 at 11:01 am

    Ah, being foreign in Japan. Free train rides and cell phone porn. Really, do you need anything more than that?
    Apparently beer, beef, and pussy, right?
    Thanks for the laugh and I’m really glad your girlfriend was able to experience the GaijinSmash in all its glory.

  19. Little Miss J said, on August 22, 2007 at 11:12 am

    Az wrote: I didn’t fully understand what he said, so I was about to ask him to repeat himself, when the ever-present, omnipotent voice chimed in again.
    ===
    “Yukkuri onegaishimasu!” ^_^
    Great post Az!

  20. trutenor said, on August 22, 2007 at 11:23 am

    The return of the Gaijin Smash! The most coveted technique! I never thought that I would see another one again. Man, that made my day…
    The Gaijin Blackout seems to be the latest technique that you’ve added to your repetoire. I’m assuming that if you affect more then one person at the same time, it would be a Chou Gaijin Blackout, right?
    But what kind of porn site would force you to pay $1200 within three days? Is it the good Japanese porn that they’ve been holding out from the norm of society?

  21. Gomez said, on August 22, 2007 at 11:32 am

    I think your girlfriend might be in denile of the Gaijin Smash man. It’s good to see that you don’t abuse it though, but I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned using it on a resturant chef to ensure you actually get the well-done steak that you crave so much, but I’m probably putting in too many dangerous ideas in your head…
    Also way to go sneaking in the subtle Next Gen reference.

  22. GringoDownSouth said, on August 22, 2007 at 11:38 am

    Ah yes, the Smash and the Blackout. I have witnessed them in action and even used them a few times to my advantage here in Ecuador, though they aren’t quite as strong as the Godly Powers you seems to possess in Japan. Isn’t it crazy? Just a little bit of English or knowledge that they are talking to a foreigner and they suddenly have the intellectual abilities of a 2 year old.

  23. Neil said, on August 22, 2007 at 11:42 am

    I don’t think it’ll work for any Gaijin. It works for you because you’re a large, black man (though the cell phone… not quite sure what happened there). I am an Indian/Russian mix who is only 5 foot 10 inches, so I’m not so sure if that’ll work for me.

  24. Anonimo Mexicano said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:08 pm

    Az, you think that gaijin smash will work on mainland China? I’m going there for a couple of weeks next month.

  25. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    Man dose gaijin smash work for black girls?

  26. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    Man dose gaijin smash work for black girls?

  27. Dory said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:27 pm

    Ha ha!
    I wish I could Gaijin smash!
    But alas… I’m Asian -_____-”
    Keep up the funny Japanese humor!
    You’ve taught me lots about Jap culture~ LMAO!

  28. rubbav1 said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Always look on the bright side of race
    As long as they respect the gaijin space
    when Japanese trains a bitch
    it could make your eye twitch
    Just look ’em in the eye and they’ll will be scare to death
    And porn collectors comes a callin’
    just say that you are “ballin'”
    And they’ll hang up, twice out of breath
    And always look up the bright side of race

  29. Coma said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    The customer service thing is probably because in any other country, people will only go through so much explaining before they start to suffer (and get somewhat mad)….buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut! the Japanese love to suffer, right?
    So customer service is fun.

  30. Jenna said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    You need to post more buddy. All of us lonely people come to your page every day hoping for a new editorial, then you promised us tuesdays and thursdays and dont even give us that consistently. Maybe just write a quick editorial on paper on the train then type it up a night. They don’t have to be super special awesome. We just like hearing from you.
    /stalkerspeech
    (Az’s Note: Been swamped at work lately, which is why the updates have been inconsistent lately.
    And I’m asleep on the trains. Like any good Japanese.)

  31. Dan said, on August 22, 2007 at 1:08 pm

    Az, you are a right.
    With all the special powers you say the Japanese possess, you forget about your own powers.
    The Smash is awesome!

  32. LeeGuy said, on August 22, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    Caged Penguin , please don’t compare Az to those fake ass Nigerians pretending to be Americans. It would be a discrace.

  33. Travis said, on August 22, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    Hmm.. does Gaijin Smash work regardless of race or gender?

  34. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    I think we all have a good idea what it’d be like to be a man in Japan… but what if you’re a woman? What is Japan-life like for women gaijin?

  35. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    I think we all have a good idea what it’d be like to be a man in Japan… but what if you’re a woman? What is Japan-life like for women gaijin?

  36. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    Dude, you comboed a SW reference into a ST reference. The last guy I saw try that died in the attempt. Nicely done.

  37. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    Dude, you comboed a SW reference into a ST reference. The last guy I saw try that died in the attempt. Nicely done.

  38. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    Gaijin smash on shitty porno is all right,but don’t use Gaijin smash illegally, You are contributing negatively to a stereotype of gaijin

  39. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    Gaijin smash on shitty porno is all right,but don’t use Gaijin smash illegally, You are contributing negatively to a stereotype of gaijin

  40. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 4:53 pm

    Does your girlfriend understand your point of view on the whole pearl harbor issue? Or do you discuss these things with her?

  41. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 4:53 pm

    Does your girlfriend understand your point of view on the whole pearl harbor issue? Or do you discuss these things with her?

  42. Saben said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    Dory, as an Asian you may not be able to Gaijinsmash in the conventional sense. But I had some Chinese Canadian room-mates when I was in Japan. They were perfectly capable of the GaijinMindBlow.
    Japanese person: *babbling away in Japanese*
    My friend: Huh? What? I’m Canadian?
    Japanese person: *curious question in Japanese*
    My friend: *in broken Japanese* I don’t Japanese. Canadian. Purple monkey vibrator.
    Japanese person: Huuuuuuhhhhhh? Canadian? *switches to English* Aru yuu Japaneezu?
    My friend: No, I’m Canadian.
    Japanese person: Butto, yuu rook Japaneezu.
    My friend: I’m Chinese-Canadian?
    Japanese person: Chinese Cana-*head explodes*
    (apparently the only asian people in the world are Japanese)
    I totally love being able to GaijinSmash. I’d do it on the bus all the time. I had a bus pass that was only meant to work between 2 stops. I’d use it all the time for any stop. At first it was an honest mistake, I thought all monthly bus passes were universal. But a friend corrected me. By this stage I’d already gone 2 months using illegal bus passes, though, and never once been pulled up by a bus driver so I figured- what’s the chance of one risking my wrath and pulling me up on it now?

  43. Kittu said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:23 pm

    I doubt I could ever pull off a Gaijin Smash or any Gaijin powers. I am 5’3, paler than Casper and been mistook for a little girl longer than I was one.

  44. Brad said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:26 pm

    You had me at “hot Earl Gray tea.”

  45. Tekkarath said, on August 22, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    Nice one, probably the best Smash post you’ve ever made.
    Although the whole shoe thing threw me for a loop there at the begining.
    Regardless, I had to read some of your OP9 stories to pass the time in your absence and just have to say they were all great. I can certainly tell your stories come from the beaten and battered ‘nice guy’ within… with a bit of bitterness thrown in for good measure I would assume. Keep up the great work.

  46. Clark Cox said, on August 22, 2007 at 7:06 pm

    Just be glad you don’t wear size 20.

  47. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 9:00 pm

    I’m reading this on my blackberry in a train underneith grand central in new york, and laughed so loudly people turned their heads. Your humor spans globally.
    Fyi the waking-up-at-the-right-moment thing has to do with each train stop having its own “ringtone”, so if you’re semi asleep all you have to pay attention for is your stop’s song to know when to wake up.

  48. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 9:00 pm

    I’m reading this on my blackberry in a train underneith grand central in new york, and laughed so loudly people turned their heads. Your humor spans globally.
    Fyi the waking-up-at-the-right-moment thing has to do with each train stop having its own “ringtone”, so if you’re semi asleep all you have to pay attention for is your stop’s song to know when to wake up.

  49. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    Haha, this reminds me precisely of something my exchange group did in Japan. We had some fancy pre-paid JR Rail Passes that we were using a lot for the shinkansen and we absolutely COULD NOT lose it. Of course, one girl lost hers… So, whenever we had to show them our passes, our group of 15 would swarm the guy all at once, all holding out our passes, speaking English to each other, and saying loud thank yous. The girl would just hold a slip of paper that had some Japanese writing on it. And we’d get through every time! It must’ve been like 5 or 6 times.
    One night we went clubbing, and we tried to minimize what we brought, so most people forgot their passes. But it turned out that we could use them on one of the train lines we needed… So there must’ve been 6 or 7 girls just holding up a paper from the club and saying “Thank you very much!” and we all got through. It was awesome. (And they were already paid for, a couple hundred bucks, so it’s not like we were stealing…)

  50. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    Haha, this reminds me precisely of something my exchange group did in Japan. We had some fancy pre-paid JR Rail Passes that we were using a lot for the shinkansen and we absolutely COULD NOT lose it. Of course, one girl lost hers… So, whenever we had to show them our passes, our group of 15 would swarm the guy all at once, all holding out our passes, speaking English to each other, and saying loud thank yous. The girl would just hold a slip of paper that had some Japanese writing on it. And we’d get through every time! It must’ve been like 5 or 6 times.
    One night we went clubbing, and we tried to minimize what we brought, so most people forgot their passes. But it turned out that we could use them on one of the train lines we needed… So there must’ve been 6 or 7 girls just holding up a paper from the club and saying “Thank you very much!” and we all got through. It was awesome. (And they were already paid for, a couple hundred bucks, so it’s not like we were stealing…)

  51. Meredith said, on August 23, 2007 at 12:40 am

    mind-reading, lasers, light sabers, and a replicator that can only produce hot earl grey tea.
    Can it also give French starship commanders inexplicable British accents?

  52. Ploin said, on August 23, 2007 at 1:41 am

    I’m 6’3 and white. I so want to do some Gaijin Smashing.
    Yeah, I’d be a super-villain over there.

  53. Buz said, on August 23, 2007 at 2:40 am

    Hey Az,
    Actually for the end of your story it sounds like you just found out what happens when Gaijin and Yakuza mix. The cellphone thing you’re describing is a common scam these days run by the Yakuza.
    Interestingly enough, there seems to be some unwritten agreement where the Yakuza will ignore most Gaijin. Now I wouldn’t test the limit on this, but being a Gaijin will get you out the kind of situation you described above. The other main area you might run in to this would be dealing with apartmetn real estate agents, and their real estate contract fees.
    Best of luck to you!

  54. Gabe said, on August 23, 2007 at 3:24 am

    When I was in Japan I was subject to the GaijinBlackout at a moment when I needed it to not show up the most. I was in a JR station that was so small that I did not know where the bathroom was. I walked up to the guy in the booth there and asked in Japanese “Where is your toilet?” He looked at me blankly. I know both my choice of words and my accent were clear but this guy looked at me with the most confusing expression.
    Him: (He is an American, but is speaking in a language that is farmiliar to me. I wonder if he is trying to communicate with me.)
    Me: (In Japanese) “Toilet? Where is the Toilet? Do you understand the words that are comming out of my mouth? Don’t you speak Japanese?”
    Him: (In english) “You need toilet?”
    Me: (Hanging head in shame and saying in english)”Yes”
    Him: (Points to a door)
    I had learned Japanese. I was there on homestay and I was told to use Japanese whenever I could. I was so frustereated that he would not give me the chance to use what Japanese I learned.
    Az, has this happened to you?

  55. Anonymous said, on August 23, 2007 at 5:20 am

    Az I am a big fan of you, but I suggest you to delete this post. It is possible that the police will arrest
    you. Cheating on your fare on the train is a crime in
    Japan.

  56. Anonymous said, on August 23, 2007 at 5:20 am

    Az I am a big fan of you, but I suggest you to delete this post. It is possible that the police will arrest
    you. Cheating on your fare on the train is a crime in
    Japan.

  57. Tower said, on August 23, 2007 at 6:33 am

    The Gaijin Smash is the reason why we kicked the Japanese out of PNG in WWII
    Probably find that Yakuza leave Gaijin alone because we aren’t as easy to intimidate and the police would have to get involved because we are forigners.
    Japanese crap themselves at the sight of Tattoos since Tattoos = Yakuza. We try not to piss them off, but we’re Gaijin, we don’t know any better.
    Azrael got the opposite. They showed him an english menu, then couldn’t understand when he ordered in English.

  58. Erika said, on August 23, 2007 at 11:26 am

    Luls, there are so many assholes like Anon who post here. It is the internets though; what do I expect?
    But yeah, some gaijin need to stop treating Japan like it’s some country full of crazy people that let you get away with things. Sure, there are obviously cultural differences, but acting like a pushy, obnoxious foreigner and taking advantage of that makes you look like an ass.
    Just sayin’.

  59. Chris said, on August 23, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    How in the world did you find such an expensive site? That is just plain ridiculous. Just curious, has your girlfriend witnessed the ε€–δΊΊ blackout before?
    γ‚‚γ„γ‘γ¨γŠγ­γŒγ„γ—γΎγ™

  60. ytter_man said, on August 23, 2007 at 5:38 pm

    man i’ve checked the ‘smash at least twice a day since the 9th! thank you for an update, and such a great one too!
    and im hoping that youtube video wasnt you Az, that guy sounds like he’s from somewhere in Africa, not America.
    and… porn on cell phones? BRILLIANT!

  61. Garrett said, on August 23, 2007 at 9:09 pm

    Hm. (Amused semi-smile.)
    Years ago, my morning commute involved a walk through a street connecting Kabukicho with the East entrance of Shinjuku Station. I used to use a literal “gaijin smash” to help out drunk girls who didn’t realize where they were (Kabukicho is no place for a lady) and were being hounded by touts of various sorts.
    I’d bump into tout and physically separate him from his target as I attempted to profusely and prolongedly “apologize,” thus giving his intended target time to walk away unmolested.
    A variation on this is to approach the tout and ask for directions, telling him it’s an emergency. This one works best in Japanese, but iwht feigned poor listening comprehension.

  62. Tim said, on August 23, 2007 at 10:36 pm

    I certainly hope you visited the Cinnabon in Rinkuu Town while you were there, Az. It being one of the few Cinnabons in Japan, and the only one near Osaka, you owe it to yourself to go. Last time I went, the store wasn’t even in the Rinkuu Town directory, but I smelled it a mile away and new that there had to be a Cinnabon. And there was!

  63. Anonymous said, on August 24, 2007 at 2:10 am

    you didn’t coin this phrase hell who knows who coined it….so don’t claim to have…… check out http://www.bigdaikon.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=56833&highlight=superpowers
    there are other examples of fun gaijin powers there too….

  64. Anonymous said, on August 24, 2007 at 2:10 am

    you didn’t coin this phrase hell who knows who coined it….so don’t claim to have…… check out http://www.bigdaikon.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=56833&highlight=superpowers
    there are other examples of fun gaijin powers there too….

  65. shazzb0t said, on August 24, 2007 at 3:44 am

    I sure hope the majority of those commenting here do not come to Japan. We don’t need any more idiot foreigners here. If you want play adolescent stay at home.

  66. Nagash said, on August 24, 2007 at 5:40 am

    Tim, that forum you linked actually links to Az’s old site at the top of the post for the idea of gaijin superpowers.
    So way to go with reading comprehension.

  67. Orcrist said, on August 24, 2007 at 9:18 am

    Loved the editorial again as usual, keep it up!
    And yea, some of the comments here about some gaijin actions are just plainly rude. Why go to Japan if you don’t respect Japan anyway?

  68. Ramchip said, on August 24, 2007 at 10:00 am

    Tim, the guy in your link says he took them from Outpost nine… right in the beginning of his post.
    Watch what you say, this ain’t no /b/.

  69. feitclub said, on August 24, 2007 at 10:26 am

    I know exactly what happened on the train. Rinku Town Station is unusual in that both JR and Nankai trains stop there, right next to each other, and they share the same set of entrance gates. So one could easily enter with a Nankai ticket and find oneself getting off at a JR station later on, if you get on a JR train. And that’s easy to do because they stop at the same platform, albeit opposite sides.

  70. Creston said, on August 24, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    1200 bucks? Az, what in God’s name did you sign up for?? That better be some kind of “we’re actually transporting a group of hot teenage cheerleaders to your phone, who will then be replicated out like the Earl Grey and have a lesbian orgy, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU” porn.

  71. Apollo said, on August 24, 2007 at 5:20 pm

    A lot of the Asians posting here seem to be jealous of the non-Asian Gaijin’s powers in Japan. :/

  72. Jay said, on August 24, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    Thanks brother . . . for helping to reinforce the stereotype of all Americans as arrogant eliists who are too self-important to pay a train fare . . . and the next time you feel slighted as a gaijin just ask yourself why.

  73. paul lewis said, on August 25, 2007 at 1:02 am

    but-but the phone can’t take pictures or Text message? what the hell.

  74. Shamie said, on August 25, 2007 at 6:20 am

    ………. I sure hope you got to at least get to keep the shitty porn. Free shitty porn is still porn. Unless it’s that “roll around on beds in your underwear porn”. Girls that are morally offended by porn need to open their minds~… or legs.

  75. Crystal said, on August 25, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    Hasn’t anybody ever checked out Pornotube.com I mean come all the free porn you can ever want.

  76. Rudyman said, on August 25, 2007 at 10:52 pm

    Some of the posters here and on Japanprobe need to get off their moral high horse imho – ‘Let he who is without sins, throw..’ etc.
    I’m sure Az doesn’t Smash his way through Japan or travels ticketless as a habit, and secondly, he never claimed to be a saint in the first place. (Rather, the contrary I’d say πŸ˜‰
    I’ve kinda/sorta used the Smash sometimes, like when I mistook the date on which my rail pass expired (it’s written the other way around, and I was dumb enough not to notice). The station chap at Sapporo did notice it was late by a day, but by pretending not to understand my mistake, I ended up not paying for one ride. (For the next day when my plane was supposed to leave to Hong Kong, I stacked up some extra cash though.) For the most part, I tried to be as much of a friendly gaijin as I could, though.
    That said, Az’s blog’s fame spread far and wide these days, though. When on the train from Tokyo to Sapporo I overheard a coupla (American?) guys mention it (I’m from Europe, they be from the US, we’re in Hokkaido, but it’s talked about everywhere..! πŸ˜‰
    Regards, R

  77. ianken said, on August 25, 2007 at 11:41 pm

    “you didn’t coin this phrase hell who knows who coined it….so don’t claim to have…… ”
    Azs original blog site.

  78. ianken said, on August 25, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    “you didn’t coin this phrase hell who knows who coined it….so don’t claim to have…… check out http://www.bigdaikon.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=56833&highlight=superpowers
    there are other examples of fun gaijin powers there too….”
    That post links to the old version of this very blog. So I fail to see what you point is.

  79. Ryobreak said, on August 26, 2007 at 12:36 am

    Az, are you sure it wasn’t 1200yen?

  80. Pseudopadoz said, on August 26, 2007 at 4:06 am

    Yeah, Azrael didn’t come up with the Gaijin Smash! That fag over at Outpostnine did!
    Oh… Wait….
    Yeah, sorry ’bout that.
    (Pick up on my sarcasm yet?)
    As an interesting note, every time I’ve thrown a comment at this site, it gets transposed to the comment directly above my name, while some other comment gets my name. That generally involves the soiling of my ‘Pseudopadoz’ tag. If it’ll be soiled, I’ll do it myself, dammit.

  81. Pseudopadoz said, on August 26, 2007 at 4:46 am

    Y’know, I just noticed for the first time that for some backwards reason, the commenter’s name is listed below the comment. That explains my confusion. Alas, to be a fool is just so fun these days; were it in the vogue too, I’d be a made man.

  82. Anonymous said, on August 26, 2007 at 5:55 am

    It’s weird that someone would accuse Az of not having coined the term Gaijin Smash, and then link to a site which links to Az’s old site…? WTF are you even trying to say?
    Moreover, Az mentioned (several years ago, actually), that the exact term came from a friend, originally.

  83. Anonymous said, on August 26, 2007 at 5:55 am

    It’s weird that someone would accuse Az of not having coined the term Gaijin Smash, and then link to a site which links to Az’s old site…? WTF are you even trying to say?
    Moreover, Az mentioned (several years ago, actually), that the exact term came from a friend, originally.

  84. Anonymous said, on August 26, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    Az, I wish I were as big and black as you.
    Alas, I am Chinese and small.
    Do you think I could gaijinsmash in Japan as well?

  85. Anonymous said, on August 26, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    Az, I wish I were as big and black as you.
    Alas, I am Chinese and small.
    Do you think I could gaijinsmash in Japan as well?

  86. Zach said, on August 27, 2007 at 12:34 am

    “…gaijin smashed him so hard…”
    I can’t seem to get the visual of this phrase out of my head.
    Funniest shit I’ve read in a long time.
    Props man.

  87. Anonymous said, on August 27, 2007 at 1:55 am

    Funny post, but even if the odds of being caught are low it’s not a smart idea to post about breaking the law on your website. And while using the “gaijin smash” is amusing albeit questionable, using it to break the law does not do non-Japanese living in Japan any favors.

  88. Anonymous said, on August 27, 2007 at 1:55 am

    Funny post, but even if the odds of being caught are low it’s not a smart idea to post about breaking the law on your website. And while using the “gaijin smash” is amusing albeit questionable, using it to break the law does not do non-Japanese living in Japan any favors.

  89. Dani said, on August 27, 2007 at 7:53 am

    I’ve been in Japan one month and have already had to gaijin smash on a jr train. A group of a dozen of us got on an express train by accident after a festival . Only two of us spoke Japanese, the other guy chose to own up to it and talk to the guy. I, on the other hand ran away with two other gaijin and sat elsewhere. I just handed the attendant the wrong ticket and got away without paying.

  90. thatblackguysomewherearoundkanto said, on August 27, 2007 at 9:50 am

    “Gaijin Smash”…pure classic times! As a black American at 6’4” living in Tokyo, I’ve done the smash in my early days of living in Japan…takes me back to the days of JR Ikebukuro station were I could show my commuter pass (tekkei) and the station staff don’t know if I come from Shibuya or Yokohama or Chiba or Omiya. Keep the posts coming..you got a fan in Tokyo!

  91. Seamus said, on August 27, 2007 at 12:25 pm

    Thanks for the post, don’t take so long next time. My boss wanted to know why I was getting so much done… 18years of fixing Apples and HP’s for snotty school kids and teachers… (no offense on the teacher thing) Never wanted to visit Japan, now its on the top of my list… Thanks AZ….!
    Go. Go. Gaijin Smash…

  92. Kelly said, on August 27, 2007 at 1:27 pm

    After reading your entries, I gotta say, I sometimes wish I could use Gaijin powers, such as Get On a Train for Free, or the Kancho Sense. I’m gonna need that one next week.
    Unfortunately, living in America has it’s downsides.

  93. Tom Sawyer said, on August 27, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    Keep the funnies coming!_!

  94. Jack said, on August 27, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    Absolutely fan-fuking-tastic πŸ˜€
    Kudos to you, man.

  95. Jamal said, on August 28, 2007 at 8:33 am

    “Friend: Hey, what’s your son doing in Japan?
    Mom: Judging by the care packages I send him, going on massive walking treks, and having lots of sex apparently.”
    I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m certain this would make my mom proud and happy. Think about it, you’re traveling in a foreign land, getting plenty of exercise, and getting lots of practice for making cute grandchildren for her to fawn over.
    If Az gets married while over there, I suspect the condom flow will stop like someone closed a faucet.

  96. Anonymous said, on August 28, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Wow, nice. πŸ™‚
    I take offense at your notion that it’s a “guy thing”, though – it’s not. I’m a guy (and not even a gay one, one might add, just in case somebody’s thinking about say that it doesn’t apply to gay men – as if they aren’t even guys to begin with), and I don’t particular care about porn.
    I also don’t think that the only things that matter in life are beef, beer and pussy, and so on. It’s perfectly fine with me if that’s your attitude (and after having read all your entries, I suppose that that statement was at least somewhat tongue-in-cheek – you obviously care about more in life than just those things), but please don’t say that all men are like that just because they happen to have a penis. That’s stereotyping, and you of all people – an African-American living in Japan – should know that stereotypes are not only impolite, they’re also (usually) factually incorrect.
    Thanks. πŸ™‚

  97. Anonymous said, on August 28, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Wow, nice. πŸ™‚
    I take offense at your notion that it’s a “guy thing”, though – it’s not. I’m a guy (and not even a gay one, one might add, just in case somebody’s thinking about say that it doesn’t apply to gay men – as if they aren’t even guys to begin with), and I don’t particular care about porn.
    I also don’t think that the only things that matter in life are beef, beer and pussy, and so on. It’s perfectly fine with me if that’s your attitude (and after having read all your entries, I suppose that that statement was at least somewhat tongue-in-cheek – you obviously care about more in life than just those things), but please don’t say that all men are like that just because they happen to have a penis. That’s stereotyping, and you of all people – an African-American living in Japan – should know that stereotypes are not only impolite, they’re also (usually) factually incorrect.
    Thanks. πŸ™‚

  98. MartinDH said, on August 28, 2007 at 8:59 pm

    You, sir, are very funny…a black american living in Japan with the awesome power of “Gaijin Smash”.
    I’ll be checking back frequently.

  99. John said, on August 29, 2007 at 1:51 am

    Anonymous, you’re an idiot. You are the only one dumb enough to take these things seriously.

  100. Leo said, on August 29, 2007 at 3:01 am

    ok Az, you have to tell me. Can a 6 feet East Indian possibly have the same effect on the Japanese?

  101. Shooter said, on August 29, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    “I think this is why Japanese people have that “wake up at my stop” superpower, because if they didn’t, they might find that their train has stopped in Russia.”
    That would be bad, the Russians might not let them use the onsen.
    But seriously the “wake up at my stop” is not only a Japanese superpower, as I can attest. I have it myself. I’ve seen plenty of other people on the bus and train that do it as well.

  102. Tower said, on August 31, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    Leo, anyone Non-asian could probably do it, especially guys over 5’8″
    I think the primary prerequisite is
    Able to speak English
    Not Asian
    Over 5’^”

  103. Tevin said, on September 1, 2007 at 9:03 am

    “But seriously the “wake up at my stop” is not only a Japanese superpower, as I can attest. I have it myself. I’ve seen plenty of other people on the bus and train that do it as well.”
    Likewise. It has come quite in handy when having to take an hour-long subway trip back from a 10-hour drinking stretch. Nothing more satisfying after a long night of drinking than napping on the train only to wake up at the precise moment to get off. πŸ™‚ [Well, okay, there *are* other things, but that’s besides the point!]

  104. chris said, on September 1, 2007 at 12:13 pm

    See, this has happened to me too, only a few times though, since many Japanese even mistake me to be Japanese.
    I missed a package, and got a card in my mail box saying I have to call this number to get my box.
    So I call it, and say I got a package but I wasn’t there. I answer some questions, and got to one I didn’t understand at all.
    I just said “what?” in English. That was about the equivalent of me activating a super-flash.
    She stuttered for a bit, repeated the question, to which I replied “hm……..”, and she figured the information I had already given them was more than enough.

  105. AlterAlias said, on September 1, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    This entry, I am in awe, what more can I say but, Flawless Victory!

  106. Anonymous said, on September 4, 2007 at 12:46 am

    I’m 6’9, and 300 pounds. I can only imagine the power of my Gaijin Smash to be awe-inspiring when I go to Japan someday.
    Also, awesome Chili Peppers reference.

  107. Anonymous said, on September 4, 2007 at 12:46 am

    I’m 6’9, and 300 pounds. I can only imagine the power of my Gaijin Smash to be awe-inspiring when I go to Japan someday.
    Also, awesome Chili Peppers reference.

  108. Carla said, on September 9, 2007 at 2:00 pm

    ;[ I find Gaijin Smash does not work for me. The closest I ever got was a relative of a friend in Yokohama saying, “Wow, you’re a tall girl!” and handing us each Β₯5000 to “get ice cream.” (I’m 5’4″.)
    And to the guy who commented with this: I was so frustrated that he would not give me the chance to use what Japanese I learned. You have to understand that nihonjin are doing the same thing–they want to show you and your Gaijin Smash/Blackout/Whatever that they know english and they can make you more comfortable or whatever. I used to work in a flagship retail store that was FLOODED with tourists, and it’d be an ongoing battle between me and the girls from Spain where I’d show them my perfect Spanish and they’d show me their near-perfect English.

  109. M said, on September 16, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Ripoff porn followed by angry loan sharks is one of the most lucrative scams in Japan right now. I’ve heard of so many cases where people simply put their hands up and give up the money… but you sir have not only beat the system but smashed them to oblivion. Truly impressive.

  110. navno said, on September 16, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    Something I’ve wondered about Gaijin Smash… can all Gaijin do it, or just ones that would seem imposing to the average Japanese person? Would an American woman be able to get away with the things you do?

  111. Puma said, on September 18, 2007 at 5:46 am

    O Great and Mighty Azrael,
    Since you’re our “man on the street” as it were, what do you think about this article?
    http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0917/p19s01-hfes.html
    The thing that bothers me about the author was this: “I had friends who sounded like average American guys in English but whose voices, once they broke into Japanese, took on the girly tones of the high-heeled Asian fashionistas they were dating.”
    Does that mean that they were screeching “Kawaiiiiiiiiiiii!!1!1” like anime girls do?
    I know I’m a total novice when it comes to Japanese, but I knew that men and women spoke Japanese differently when I was 10 and watched “Shogun” for the first time.

  112. ALTinOsaka said, on September 24, 2007 at 5:38 am

    Sounds like you got off at Shin-Imamiya instead of Namba. You didn’t have to go with JR, though — you could have used the subway at Doubutsuen-mae station, which could have gotten you back up to Namba (for Kintetsu) or Umeda (for Hankyu).
    By the way, do you find it odd that Nankai seems to have ads that keep people regularly updated on porno actresses, or are you used to it now?

  113. Goats said, on September 26, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    When do we get new updates?

  114. Anonymous said, on September 28, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    A little behind in my reading so forgive me for my late comment, but in regards to “Give us a screen or display of some sorts, and we will wonder if you can watch porn on it.”
    That statement is so true. I’ve put porn on my Nintendo DS just so I could say ‘Hey… I’ve got porn on my DS’ and of course pull it out in the middle of a restaurant and start playing it to see my friends nearly fall out of their seats from shock of not knowing it’s on there. There’s also something satisfying about watching porn on a Nintendo product that I’ll just never understand…

  115. Anonymous said, on September 28, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    A little behind in my reading so forgive me for my late comment, but in regards to “Give us a screen or display of some sorts, and we will wonder if you can watch porn on it.”
    That statement is so true. I’ve put porn on my Nintendo DS just so I could say ‘Hey… I’ve got porn on my DS’ and of course pull it out in the middle of a restaurant and start playing it to see my friends nearly fall out of their seats from shock of not knowing it’s on there. There’s also something satisfying about watching porn on a Nintendo product that I’ll just never understand…

  116. Anonymous said, on October 8, 2007 at 3:29 am

    Ah, yes, I too have been a victim of the infamous “Gaijin Blackout”….I feel your pain….

  117. Anonymous said, on October 8, 2007 at 3:29 am

    Ah, yes, I too have been a victim of the infamous “Gaijin Blackout”….I feel your pain….


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