Gaijin Smash

Work Barbeque

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 9, 2007

Not long after I started my new job, I found out that the company would be moving. Geographically, it was just a few buildings down the street, but it was a much bigger and better office space. As a going-away party of sorts for the old building, it was decided that we would have a yakiniku party the Wednesday before the move, sometime around lunch time.
“Yakiniku” is basically just Japanese for BBQ. You get your own strips of meat, and cook it yourself over an open grill. This is awesome, as you can cook it exactly the way you like it, and then eat it right off the grill. It’s especially great for me, because Japan is one of those rare/medium countries, and I am a well-done man.* No matter how much I try to explain that to Japanese steak chefs, they just never get it.
Chef: (personally brings out the steak) I’m so sorry. I know you said “well-done,” but I overdid it and this steak has been burned to a crisp. Please forgive me.
Me: Um, sir? This animal is still alive.
Cow: Mooooooooooooo.
*To all of you rare/medium-rare lovers who are just busting at the bit to tell me how I’m “ruining” the “essence” of the steak: fuck you. Well-done steak is the reason why God invented fire. I’m also sure that God put cows on this Earth for us to eat them. Otherwise, he would not have made them so stupid and delicious.


Wednesday eventually rolled around, and at lunch time, we temporarily stopped operations to roll out the grill and copious amounts of beef. That was already a beautiful sight. But there was something else I wasn’t quite expecting–buckets upon buckets of alcohol.
Perhaps I should have been expecting it. I mean, this country dances a very fine line between social drinking and alcoholism. It seems like any occasion where people meet and gather must involve large amounts of alcohol. Japanese people will tell you about the “beauty” of cherry blossom viewing, but really all it is is an excuse to get bombed under a tree with pink petals that will only last a week. Back when I was a teacher, any sort of event in the school was almost certainly followed up by a “Job well done!” drinking party. Most of the time, I was never invited. Fuckers.
So perhaps, I should not have been surprised to see the booze come out, but I was. You see, it was Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon to be exact. The plan was to have the BBQ for an hour or two, and then actually go back to work. But with alcohol involved? When Japanese people drink, they usually end up in one of four potential states:
1. Passed out on the street somewhere.
2. Vomiting.
3. Having awkward sex with someone they shouldn’t in a love hotel.
4. All of the above.
You’ll notice that “effectively working your job” isn’t exactly on the list. But hey, who am I to complain? It’s beef and beer on a Wednesday afternoon. How fucking awesome is that? It’s 2/3rds of my Holy Trinity.*
*Holy Trinity, you may ask? I dunno if I’ve ever explained this one before. Maybe some other guys will back me up here, but for me, I really only need three things in life to be truly happy–beef, beer, and pussy. If I have these three, life is good. Pretty much everything else is done either in the pursuit of these things, or to help accommodate them. A nice house? A place to keep the beef and beer and pussy. A nice car? A means of getting beef, beer, and pussy. Health insurance? Something that takes care of you when you eat too much beef, drink too much beer, and accidentally fuck a rotten pussy. You get the idea.
Knowing that I was going to have to work, I planned to really only drink 2-3 beers. That would be enough to get the Nice Happy Feeling, and still be coherent enough to be a functioning member of society. That was my plan. But as Hannibal can attest to, plans don’t always come together no matter how much you love it when they do. My undoing? Must you even ask? The third part of the Holy Trinity.
One of my bosses is this woman–mid 30s, slender, cute, business professional woman, with a nice figure to boot. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but there’s something about seeing a older woman who’s still in great shape, neatly tucked into smart business shirts/vests and pants. That shit is like kryptonite to Superman, or crack to Lindsay Lohan.
The thing about this amazing woman is, she drinks like a goddamned horse. The company president warned me early on about her, that she could drink most guys not only under the table, but send them packing to the basement as well. I merely assumed that he was talking about pansy little Japanese guys, who could maybe kick back half a Smirnoff before getting shit-faced and tipsy. I realize now that he was talking about Brave Spartan Warriors. I’d hit my established beer limit, when she comes around holding a plate of beef in one hand and a beer in another. “Have another beer?” She asks. Fuck! All elements of the Holy Trinity stand before me now, and they are more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. There’s no way I could have said “no.” I couldn’t have said “no” to anything coming from that.
Her: Mind if I kancho you?
Me: Be my guest. Please, may I have another?
Three beers quickly turned into four. Four beers turned into…I dunno, 8? I lost count. And whatever I drank, this woman, this older, professional, big-titted, tight-assed, meat-holding Goddess, drank just as much, if not more. I was already starting to feel the alcohol (8+ beers will do that to you), when she comes back around again–“Hey, how about some whiskey?”
This woman is not human.
Of course, I should have turned down the whiskey. I should have. But, you all know how that goes.
Az’s Logic: Ok, we’re already kinda wasted here, drinking whiskey on top of it is a bad, bad idea.
Az’s Penis: Shut the fuck up. Do you SEE this woman? By God, she’s hot, and holding meat and beer! It’s like, I’ve died and gone not to Heaven, but to Super Happy Awesome Heaven. Guys, I don’t ask much from you, but I NEED this woman.
Az’s Heart: Um, hello? Girlfriend back home?
Az’s Penis: Yeah. And that’s your department. I don’t need you for this operation. Anxiety and Conscience, you guys can split too. Tongue, I’m gonna need you to stay and put in overtime.
Az’s Anxiety: Oh for crying out…hey Brain, a little help here? Can we get an overrule?
Az’s Brain: Absdeck griplock saucepan marmalade fury.
Az’s Heart: Um…what?
Az’s Anxiety: Shit, I think brain is fried. I hope this isn’t permanent.
Az’s Penis: Great, Brain’s down. So, now I’m in charge.
Az’s Anxiety: That’s not how the chain of command works and you know it. If Brain becomes incapacitated, Heart’s in charge. Heart, what are your orders, Sir?
Az’s Heart: Well, we’ve already had a lot of alcohol, and we do have a girlfriend who is waiting for us back home, so really…
Az’s Penis: Imagine this woman, with all the ferocity of a 30 year-old woman’s amped up sex drive, riding the absolute shit out of us, while pouring beer all over that ample C/D cup and feeding us well-cooked strips of beef.
Az’s Heart: I’m sorry, I skipped for a second there, what was I saying?
Az’s Penis: You were going to take that whiskey.
Az’s Heart: Ooh, alcohol!
Three or four whiskeys later…yeah, I was fucked up. Though the BBQ didn’t “officially” end, most people sort of tried to mosey back to their computers to get some work done. Well, except for one of our computer technicians, who ended up passed out on the veranda (Japanese Drinking State #1). I was supposed to be answering customer support emails. I sat down, trying to clear my head the best I could, and opened up one,

Hi! I’m interested in one of your bras, but I don’t know the right size! My bust is 95 cm, and I usually wear a C cup, but I’m not sure of Japanese measurements, so could you please recommend the best size for me? Thanks!

I began to write my response,

Dear Valued Customer,
What the fuck do I look like, your personal tailor? Furthermore, I’m a dude, and I don’t know jack shit about bras except the fastest way to take them off.
But, your bust is 95cm you say? Maybe I can help you. But I’m gonna need more information. Please send a picture of your naked bust from all possible angles, and after a thorough investigation, I may be able to recommend something to do.


The one brain cell I had left realized that this was a colossally bad idea, and I closed the window before I could write anything else and, perish the thought, actually send it. I opened a page full of nothing but text – The MSTing of “The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle”*, and pretended to study it while really, I was trying to keep the little letters from doing the Riverdance across my screen.
*Fan-fiction crossover story between MTV’s Daria and Sailor Moon. Yes, it is every bit the Harbinger of Death you think it is, but the MSTing is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read in my life.
I went home, and passed out, I don’t remember much about how I actually got home, I remember getting on the train at least. I passed out there, and didn’t wake up until near my stop. It’s remarkable to note that I was sitting in the middle of one of the train benches…and no one else was sitting on the bench. This is a feat in itself, but when you consider that it’s a *packed* rush hour commuters train…I don’t know what I did on the train, if anything, but at that time, I must have spread the largest Gaijin Perimeter in the history of the world. I wonder if it actually physically repelled people? Like, they went to sit down, but the sheer force of my drunken blackness physically knocked them clear across the train car. I only wish I had been coherent enough to see it, or if not, then at least have someone nearby with a video camera.
I got home and passed out again, not waking up until 5AM the next day.…And I was still drunk! How much fucking alcohol do you have to consume to stop drinking and wake up 12 hours later and STILL be drunk? Do I even have a liver left? I dragged myself into work like an old sack of potatoes. I meet the Beer and Beef Goddess, and find that this Japanese woman not only drank more than me, but is perfectly fine the next morning. I swear to GOD, she’s not human, she can’t be.
The best part of the whole day though? I ate my own weight in beef, drank enough alcohol to light the entire Nebraskan plains ON FIRE, and it was all on the company dollar/time. Man, sometimes, I really love this country.

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93 Responses

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  1. ukimalefu said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:17 am

    Well done steak, beer and pussy. Holy Trinity indeed. You Sir are a true prophet.

  2. Valerie said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:17 am

    I am now craving a nice steak and beer. If only MY work offered those two, free of charge…

  3. Tmoo said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:29 am

    my god, you lucky S.O.B.

  4. Kuzai said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:33 am

    Amazing story once again. I love your sense of humor – especially the analogies.

  5. moros06 said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:41 am

    I’m also sure that God put cows on this Earth for us to eat them. Otherwise, he would not have made them so stupid and delicious.
    gold, pure gold lmao

  6. mike vorontsov said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:47 am

    can I make a blog thing like yours about russia and america?

  7. Gomez said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:50 am

    I remember you writing about Japanese Salarymen having that Train Sense thing that allows them to be drunk off their gourd and still make their stop a while ago… Maybe you really are becoming Japanese.
    Oh, and as far as liking your steak goes I feel the same way. One time I asked for well-done at an American run Hibatchi place and the chef gave it to me and said, “Here you go, beef jerky” to which I replied, quite happily I might add, “Just the way I like it, good and dead.”

  8. Patrick said, on August 10, 2007 at 1:01 am

    That’s not fair. Free booze and meat on the company dime? Damn. You need a roommate and assistant?

  9. jenna said, on August 10, 2007 at 1:08 am

    but you didn’t get the pussy!

  10. Meredith said, on August 10, 2007 at 1:26 am

    So, wait, this is a MSTing of fanfiction written by an MST fan, so it’s like MST fanfiction, but of text instead of a movie. . . why didn’t anyone tell me about this earlier. . . I’m sorry, you were saying something about Japan?

  11. Jarod Cain said, on August 10, 2007 at 1:32 am

    Dear God Az!
    What have you given me to read!

  12. Thepenguin said, on August 10, 2007 at 1:51 am

    I haven’t read a fanfic MST in years.
    and once again Az never fails to disappoint.

  13. Mukund said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:07 am

    Chef: (personally brings out the steak) I’m so sorry. I know you said “well-done”, but I overdid it and this steak has been burned to a crisp. Please forgive me.
    Me: Um, sir? This animal is still alive.
    Cow: Mooooooooooooo.
    —————–
    >>I’m also sure that God put cows on this Earth for us to eat them. Otherwise, he would not have made them so stupid and delicious.
    —————–
    Although I’m Hindu AND vegetarian, these two had me absolutely in splits. Keep up the great writing Az.

  14. Tone said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:27 am

    Stupid and tasty is no way to go through life, son. Holy trinity…hrmm. I guess the first prophet of this religion should be Television, maybe?

  15. Captain Canada said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:28 am

    I prefer beer, meat, and pussy. ’cause sometimes I’d like a nice bucket of classic fried chicken than a steak. Or maybe some nice veal. I really need to eat something. You’re a lucky bastard Az.

  16. mcheva said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:44 am

    Hahah the best part about it was the peta advertisment on the side after the beef statement haha gold Az always gold

  17. FeeZ said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:45 am

    I’m guessing you didn’t get to have awkward sex with the hot 30 year old in a love hotel then? (phase #3)
    Although, she probably wasn’t all that hot until you had 3 or 4 beers in you, in which case you opened up moreso to the idea.
    What, you saying that’s just me?

  18. pflorian said, on August 10, 2007 at 3:09 am

    You have glorious good taste in MiSTings. That one is one of the best ever, and it’s probably much less brain damaging when read while drunk.

  19. gino said, on August 10, 2007 at 3:18 am

    maybe on the train you proceeded to grope everyone in a drunken stupor, or trying to eat their meaty bits.

  20. Mayhem said, on August 10, 2007 at 5:11 am

    Well that cheered me up enormously for Friday when so far at work today a lot of shit has hit the fan (don’t ask!)… I wish the working conditions here were like that! Mind you, at the first place I ever worked when I was a lot, lot younger, it was routine to hit the pub for lunch and longer, consume mucho pub snacks and chat with the female staff who came along especially this really fit woman about 10 years older than me. Hmmm I think you and I both come from the same cloth Az heh…
    As for the steak debate, I usually have mine medium, perhaps medium-rare. But how you should do it really depends on the quality of the meat. Some should be nuclear fried, some deserves to be not so sizzled. I have started to notice my fellow American friends are gradually not always going down the burnt to a crisp route, though hugely cooked fat thick hamburgers on the other hand do seem to gain something extra on the grill from being there a long time…

  21. Travis said, on August 10, 2007 at 6:01 am

    I’m thinking that envy and hatred are acceptable emotions for me to be feeling here.

  22. Lissou said, on August 10, 2007 at 8:10 am

    I somehow feel the need to point out that MST in French is “Maladie Sexuellement Transmissible”, which means STD, for French-impared readers (which should be most of you. French is such a hard language to learn, I’m glad I did it as a toddler, otherwise I’m not sure I’d done it).
    And yeah, I usually ask people to cook my beef the way they’d like it, and then 10 minutes more. They think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. If you can see a hint of pinkish brown inside of it when you cut it, it’s not cooked well enough for me.
    I tend not to eat beef when I’m out. Arguising with French chefs is not something you want to do.

  23. Anonymous said, on August 10, 2007 at 8:20 am

    Gaijin perimeter? Lol.

  24. Anonymous said, on August 10, 2007 at 8:20 am

    Gaijin perimeter? Lol.

  25. Ihmhi said, on August 10, 2007 at 8:24 am

    Well you know what they say about Cows… “Cows would live a lot longer if they weren’t made of steaks and leather.”

  26. disciple of debauchery said, on August 10, 2007 at 8:49 am

    Great post Az. Myself being a lover of beer, booze, and women, it touched me in a personal way. I hope people don’t view me as some sort of spammer for this, using your blog’s “comments” section to promote another writer’s website, but it seems appropriate that I mention http://www.edwindecker.com/
    Along with Az, Mr. Decker’s one of my favorite writers, and there aren’t many. In terms of subject matter and style of humor, this “holy trinity” is totally on point with many of Ed’s past writings dedicated to the glory of self-indulgence. So if you want to read more similar humor to this post I highly recommend checking it out.

  27. Kohaku said, on August 10, 2007 at 9:11 am

    The only way to make that BETTER, is had it been Matsusaka beef. These cows are worth somewhere around $10,000 EACH you know why THESE cows are the tastiest beef in the known world??? Because folks, THESE cows spend their short delicious lives being fed BEER and given massages. Yes. The cows get better treatment than most of the world. Downside is the beef is expensive as sh*t….upside, this is some of the most tender, tasty, amazing meat you will ever taste in life. It MELTS in your mouth..*drools*
    That MST was hilarious!!!
    I agree…im SO jealous, that has to be one of the BEST days ever.

  28. Laudre said, on August 10, 2007 at 10:40 am

    Ruin the “essence” of steak by cooking it well-done?
    No, you’re not ruining the “essence” of steak. You’re just ruining it, by turning it from something juicy, delicious, and full of one of the most compelling flavors on the planet into a dry, flavorless husk of its once glorious self.
    I just hope, for your sake, that you never find out what chefs do to the meals of people who ruin gorgeous steaks by ordering them well-done.

  29. Jahed said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:54 pm

    This is the first time something you’ve posted has offended me. How DARE you eat steak well done? You call yourself an American? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don’t care how big you are, I would slap you upside your misinformed head if you were here. WELL DONE STEAK? JUST ROB IT OF ALL ITS FLAVOR WHY DON’T YOU? My god.
    I’m still going to read this blog, but my opinion of you has fallen greatly, and I’m sure you totally care.

  30. Kosetsu said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    You, sir, have just received your compensation for living in Japan for… how long’s it been now? Three years and some-odd months? This is God’s repentance for having made you his personal comedy show and after-school special for such a long time. I am jealous, true, but I’m also wondering how many more shenanigans this day has just bought.

  31. ytter_man said, on August 10, 2007 at 2:51 pm

    haah, Az, you could’ve just as easily described where i live, Montana. only around here it’s Beer, Pussy, and Pickup. 😀
    and i eat a lot of steak because it’s somewhat cheaper (there are 2x as many cows in montana than people, fact) and you can find beer in such plentiful amounts grocery stores have whole 50 ft aisles of it. and them lil farmer’s daughters aint bad either, just dont get caught 😉
    and to the guy in Russia, name it “in Soviet Russia….” haha!

  32. Colin said, on August 10, 2007 at 3:43 pm

    How, exactly, are you still alive?

  33. NG said, on August 10, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    Az loves the taste of charcoal!

  34. GringoDownSouth said, on August 10, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    Great post Az! By the way, I stole your name for my character’s name in Eve Online…I hope you don’t mind. It sounds very cool, like you’re Neo’s partner in The Matrix or something. That and it’s easy to type hehe.

  35. Steeple said, on August 10, 2007 at 6:25 pm

    I’m a medium-well kind of gal, and the sight of pink meat scares me. Cook that thing until the bacteria are good and dead! Not too fond of steak to begin with, though… beef is delicious, and pork (preferably in the Chinese style), and Mom’s lamb, and chicken, and… hell, if it had a soul at one point, I’ll eat it. =9

  36. Prodigal Priest said, on August 10, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    “*Holy Trinity, you may ask? I dunno if I’ve ever explained this one before. Maybe some other guys will back me up here, but for me, I really only need 3 things in life to be truly happy – beef, beer, and pussy. If I have these three, life is good. Pretty much everything else is done either in the pursuit of these things, or to help accommodate them. A nice house? A place to keep the beef and beer and pussy. A nice car? A means of getting beef, beer, and pussy. Health insurance? Something that takes care of you when you eat too much beef, drink too much beer, and accidentally fuck a rotten pussy. You get the idea.”
    Damn. That had me in stitches, along with the chef skit ^^ .
    Never cultivated a taste for liquid bread myself. I preferred Smirnoff Ice and such.
    Sounds like if you even got the third portion of your Holy Trinity after getting home, you wouldn’t have remembered it 😄 .
    Another good read. Peace, man.

  37. Pandora said, on August 10, 2007 at 10:11 pm

    I like my steak RARER THAN RARE. I want it to Mooooo at me. I just love the taste of warmed, but still bleeding, meat.
    Mmmmmm…. I want some yakiniku now…..

  38. Colin said, on August 10, 2007 at 11:12 pm

    As far as I’m concerned, red meat should live up to its name. If it’s not actively seeping blood, you cooked it too long.

  39. mike said, on August 11, 2007 at 12:17 am

    “and to the guy in Russia, name it “in Soviet Russia….” haha! ”
    Actually I was going to call it
    “inostrannik smash”
    hence I’m asking if I can.

  40. Anonymous said, on August 11, 2007 at 12:24 am

    Az this must be the good karma from all that crap you went through back in the days as a school teacher, your buxom mid 30s boss has become my new drinking idol. (still be wary of the future for more bad karma (( you enjoy this too mch and god will have to dump a big pile of shit on you)) keep those kancho senses keen)
    How was the tech guy id they send him home or was he there all night?

  41. Anonymous said, on August 11, 2007 at 12:24 am

    Az this must be the good karma from all that crap you went through back in the days as a school teacher, your buxom mid 30s boss has become my new drinking idol. (still be wary of the future for more bad karma (( you enjoy this too mch and god will have to dump a big pile of shit on you)) keep those kancho senses keen)
    How was the tech guy id they send him home or was he there all night?

  42. Oathkeeper said, on August 11, 2007 at 12:43 am

    Ooh, flippin’ crazy shit.
    Beef, beer, *and* pussy? The greatest Holy Trinity ever. But having that nice package of woman just strutting around everyday at your workplace?
    *fums around frustrated* I NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

  43. Puma said, on August 11, 2007 at 2:33 am

    Beer? THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!

  44. Tower said, on August 11, 2007 at 2:34 am

    The only thing that steak should be is a cow.
    I prefer the blue end of rare myself, but as long as it a piece of cow that isn’t leather
    it’s all right
    I’m now concerned about the safety of my Japanese-made electrical equipment.
    From your articles, the workers in Japan seem to always be either drunk, drinking, about to start drinking, chasing hot co-workers while drinking or hung over.

  45. Dave said, on August 11, 2007 at 2:58 am

    Hmm BBQ+Beer on company time is unusual to you? Guess you never been in or met someone in the Air Force. I think we had that at least once a month and thats not counting the big ones where a lot of beer companys come on base and setup shop(free) in the park. Ahhh how I miss the military.

  46. CF said, on August 11, 2007 at 6:27 am

    The bit with the woman holding the beer and beef
    sounded vaguely like some kind of Japanese porno.
    Japanese Woman: “Hi. Want some?”
    [Close-up pan across Beef Platter, Cleavage, and
    Beer Bottle.]
    American Man: [zombie stare] Absolutely.
    [AM begins chowing down]
    JW: May I kancho you?
    AM: [between bites and swigs] Absolutely.
    [JW kanchoes AM: WHAM!]
    AM: [through mouthful of food] MORE, PLEASE!
    [shot of more beef and beer being provided,
    followed by another Kancho Shot]
    AM: [through mouthful of food] MORE, PLEASE!
    [repeat several times]
    JW: Oh, my fingers are sore. [pulls out underwear
    with rubber hands in Kancho Position] More?
    AM: [through mouthful of food] YES, PLEASE!
    [at this point, the rest of the movie descends to
    a point which makes Falwell spin in his grave…]

  47. evil_tennyo said, on August 11, 2007 at 8:57 pm

    its been awhile since i’ve posted but i have been reading all ur posts secretly at work (like an addiction haha). It would make it complete if drinking was involved though…
    keep up the awesome posts!

  48. Nate said, on August 11, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    nihonjin women have those? i’m impressed.

  49. Sekani said, on August 12, 2007 at 12:25 pm

    What a world we live in when making sure life-threating bacteria are dead is considered ruining a steak.

  50. zach said, on August 12, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    god dude, nothing you write is funny

  51. Dudeface Personguy said, on August 13, 2007 at 5:40 am

    Hey, did anyone get a wordpad copy of the MST script Az linked? I had been reading it over the course of the past few days, but it seems the website has reached its monthly max of hits, so I can’t reach it anymore and I was too stupid to copy/paste the entire thing into a wordpad myself >.< Can anyone send a copy of it to honshufury@hotmail.com, or give me another link for it? Thanks in advance!

  52. Rick said, on August 13, 2007 at 9:43 am

    Greatest Blog Post EVAR!
    If I wasn’t already married to a wonderful figure of Japanese beauty, I would be on a plane to your location to steal the Beef&Beer Goddess for my bride.

  53. Nemuri said, on August 13, 2007 at 10:13 am

    Hey Az, this comment isn’t related to this particular post, but rather to the whole series of your latter posts. I couldn’t help noticing that there were more and more references to an obscure and dark part of the intrawebs we enlighted people call 4chan’s /b/. I strongly recommand you to be careful ! /b/tards are anonymous ! (and legion. But not your personal army) And anonymous never 4gets nor 4give ! I am seriously concerned about your mental health, i know for having lost mine that too much lurking on the land of longcats and mongglers is bad for the brains.
    t’s all, bye mate !
    ps : my girlfriend was rather surprised to recieve a mail from Jshopper asking her to show tits or GTFO, but know i know whre that came from, i guess it’s ok. Call her Jshopper-chan ?

  54. Renten said, on August 13, 2007 at 10:16 am

    Speaking of uncooked meat. When I ate my eggs today, I had a feather and a beak in it….
    I said over medium..them pretty much broke the egg in the carrier.

  55. chaosrainz said, on August 13, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    You finally offended me.
    Keep your “older women” references to women who are actually out of their 30s! lol
    I”m a hot mid30 something myself, thank you.
    (Az’s Note: When I say “older women”, obviously I mean older than me.
    And if you didn’t notice, I have a special place in my heart for hot mid/late 30-somethings.)

  56. Chiubakka180 said, on August 13, 2007 at 4:43 pm

    What’s the matter with the word “order”?
    30 years old or older are still freaking attractive
    at least it wouldn’t stop myself from tapping them…. EVERRRRR ^_^
    AZ, you shoulda have hook up with that business hotty
    There is an old saying :” Dirty thinking comes up when you have a full stomach” Especially with those beef and beer… protein and natural afrodisiac you know

  57. Serge said, on August 13, 2007 at 5:22 pm

    0_o you follow the 3 B too? Babes, Beef, and Beer.

  58. Amanda said, on August 14, 2007 at 2:07 am

    Now if I got Az to reference my stories, I’d be a GOD(dess) O.O

  59. saint saaya said, on August 14, 2007 at 5:27 am

    This was the best story ever. I could smell the bbq, taste the beer, and see that workplace beauty in all her busty sexiness. Heaven must be like this, a feast for the senses.

  60. lucky strike said, on August 14, 2007 at 5:32 am

    god did not invent fire to ruin fine steaks.
    god invented it so that we’ll be able to light tobacco.

  61. Tunod said, on August 14, 2007 at 10:39 pm

    There is only one explanation for your empty-bench event:
    Somehow, the combination of the well-documented repulsive effects of being drunk and your Gaijin Perimeter synergized into an AG (Absolute Gaijin) Field.
    Somewhere beneath Tokyo, a bleached-blonde scientist was shouting her head off to deploy the ‘Baasangelions.

  62. Anonymous said, on August 15, 2007 at 1:13 am

    The best part about meat, beer, and pussy is that they’re all good with a cherry on top! :9

  63. Anonymous said, on August 15, 2007 at 1:13 am

    The best part about meat, beer, and pussy is that they’re all good with a cherry on top! :9

  64. Jakeass said, on August 15, 2007 at 9:33 am

    8 beers, 3 whiskey? Damn, we really ARE alcoholics. If you come to one of my friends’ house parties and drink like that you’d get ridiculed like crazy! You’d get hit by so much Beer-Pressure…(that’s a *special* kind of peer-pressure) There’s a minimum of 15 for any male participant, I try to down about a case before the liquor comes out at midnight.(beer starts at 8) most people go to sleep about 4-5am, a few pass out during that time period, and I am usually one of those few, as I am brave enough to chug the Hero’s Chalice(pic on my page) more than once a night. Only three others can complete the Chalice even once, and only two of them and myself can do it more than once. But I sound like I’m bragging, so nevermind.

  65. Anonymous said, on August 15, 2007 at 11:56 am

    That MSTing link gives an error now because it has exceeded its monthly bandwidth allotment 🙂
    You slashdotted it!

  66. Anonymous said, on August 15, 2007 at 11:56 am

    That MSTing link gives an error now because it has exceeded its monthly bandwidth allotment 🙂
    You slashdotted it!

  67. Anonymous said, on August 15, 2007 at 7:35 pm

    Funny, I always thought that along with pussy and beer went some sort of testosterone-driving sport, i.e. football/car racing.

  68. Anonymous said, on August 15, 2007 at 7:35 pm

    Funny, I always thought that along with pussy and beer went some sort of testosterone-driving sport, i.e. football/car racing.

  69. Ilhares said, on August 16, 2007 at 5:04 am

    OK, just for those of you who truly wish to punish yourselves, I’ve copied as much of it as I could get. You may grab it here:
    http://dru.xaled.com/files/MST%20Daria-Sailor.txt

  70. Anonymous said, on August 16, 2007 at 6:17 am

    Um, for those worried about bacteria in their steaks, the bacteria is only on the outside…so it doesn’t matter how well you cook it.
    For your edification

  71. Anonymous said, on August 16, 2007 at 6:17 am

    Um, for those worried about bacteria in their steaks, the bacteria is only on the outside…so it doesn’t matter how well you cook it.
    For your edification

  72. Anonymous said, on August 16, 2007 at 11:01 am

    Of course, a modest bit of Googling turns up another copy of the MSTing. The wonders of search engining.
    http://members.tripod.com/pink_boy/SOUP03_Misery/neozero1.htm
    Now that I’ve already saved the four parts to my HD, I’m okay with letting the secret out.

  73. Anonymous said, on August 16, 2007 at 11:01 am

    Of course, a modest bit of Googling turns up another copy of the MSTing. The wonders of search engining.
    http://members.tripod.com/pink_boy/SOUP03_Misery/neozero1.htm
    Now that I’ve already saved the four parts to my HD, I’m okay with letting the secret out.

  74. RecurveHawk said, on August 16, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    My Holy Trinity: archery, dick, and venison (deer meat to the vocabulary challenged)
    I nearly had to run outside from huge bouts of laughter at the little skit part with the chef. I actually do like my meat with some red, especially beef and venison, but then again, maybe it’s the emerging redneck in me or the distant not-quite-human ancestry 🙂

  75. sean said, on August 16, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    no updates for a week? You must have hit it off with the boss lady and been busy making babies or some shit!

  76. Shamie said, on August 17, 2007 at 1:06 am

    So basically…. the Japanese are like the French when it comes to cooking beef. I like Medium-rare. In France, Well Done = Rare. It looked like they microwaved my food. But it would have been rude to give it back so I had to eat it.
    Holy Trinity… I’d have been wasted after one drink, and I’m a hot horny drunk. Meaning: I want sex then and there and I’m physically overheated and eventually end up taking clothing off. I have a slight irrational fear of drinking parties…

  77. Tevin said, on August 17, 2007 at 1:38 am

    I’m disappointed, Az! As the big, black man of the Asian world, you need to represent! A mere 8 beers and 3 whiskey shots put you down not only for one day, but *two*? You have failed, young grasshopper! Do not show your face again until you are able to defeat your drinking nemisis! Feel the beer, master the beer! For your ancestors!
    *now has the proof needed that the drinking skills he has refined during his stay in Korea will allow him to meet all drinking challenges with victory upon his arrival in Japan.*

  78. Chantelle said, on August 17, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    i learned that the best way to get the drunkness out of you is to do excercies. ur boss probably has a really high motabolism that got most of the alcohol outta her. stay awake, move around, drink lots of water and pee like a horse! just so you know 🙂

  79. Khastalphos said, on August 18, 2007 at 4:48 am

    Those attempting to access said MST site now receive the following message:
    “The Web page or file that you requested is temporarily unavailable. It has been so popular this month that it exceeded its free monthly traffic allotment. Access to this Web site will be restored on the first of next month. Please come back then.
    Thank you for your visit!”
    I find it hilarious that you actually slashdotted this poor site just by mentioning it in your blog. Look forward to the days when your words alone are powerful enough to grossly alter the stock prices of Fortune 500 companies.

  80. Matt Hall said, on August 18, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    Ahh..the Gaijin Perimeter. I did a year at Sophia in Tokyo in 89-90, three years on JET in Fukuoka from 93-96, and two years at the Japanese Consulate in Chicago. Back in the day we called it the “Gaijin Space.” Shortened to the “G-Space” or “G-Spot”, it was always something we sought, and sometimes achieved. =)

  81. celestial-salamander said, on August 20, 2007 at 4:09 am

    if a hot older woman with beef and bear told you to jump of a clif would you do it?
    (Az’s Note: If I could somehow land in her pussy, then yes, yes I would.)

  82. Anonimo Mexicano said, on August 20, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    YOU DIDN’T GET THE PUSSY

  83. Anonymous said, on August 20, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    what’s up with your transformers ringtone ad? it keeps killing every instance of flash I have running in every browser window on a simple mouseover.

  84. Anonymous said, on August 20, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    what’s up with your transformers ringtone ad? it keeps killing every instance of flash I have running in every browser window on a simple mouseover.

  85. Flying_Circus said, on August 21, 2007 at 12:13 am

    Ha! excellent post… i usually read your posts regularly but this month i was away and didn’t have a chance to get online… the only reason i mention this is because i met a couple of 14 year-old Japanese boys… I had to test it out so at one point i yelled out, “KANCHO!!!” followed by a quick, “One thousand years of pain!” and acted like a major shitstorm in the shape of my fingers was headed their way. The kids screamed like girls, covered their asses and ran away. Good times…

  86. celestial-salamander said, on August 21, 2007 at 2:56 am

    what if this HOWWBAB told you to stab your self
    more imporantly did you know there is a site called gaijinsmash.com it’s a porn site. i keep going to visit gaijin smash.net at schools and libearys and stuff and keep acsadently going to gaijinsmash.com it’s i real problem i’m worried i’ll get banned

  87. LoR said, on August 21, 2007 at 7:34 am

    That’s some hangover you have there…

  88. DunnDeegan said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:59 am

    Awesome post, but no poon 😦

  89. IconOfSin24148 said, on August 30, 2007 at 3:05 am

    !!
    OMFG.
    You made me remember why I have a thing for slightly older women :o…Az…if I EVER become President, I am inviting YOU to the White House…and pardoning you if you happen to commit any sexual harassment crimes along the way :P.

  90. Sunny said, on September 4, 2007 at 7:45 am

    Good one! I have to admit that sounds awesome. Having a practically noexistent alcohol tolerance though, I’d be in state #1 almost immediately.

  91. ONYX said, on September 5, 2007 at 4:29 pm

    LOl, too good of a post. “Health insurance? Something that takes care of you when you eat too much beef, drink too much beer, and accidentally fuck a rotten pussy.” ROFLMAO wtf!?

  92. Kat said, on September 6, 2007 at 7:37 pm

    For those complaining to Az about his steak preferences after he specifically mentioned he didn’t want to hear any, WHY do you care? It’s how he prefers his steak.
    Anyway, great post! I’m wondering, is beer in Japan very strong, generally?

  93. Ceri Cat said, on September 28, 2007 at 7:06 am

    Hmm they sell Kirin here might have to check again but I think it was about standard alcohol content for beer here which would have it between 5-10$/vol. Pretty weak even by my standards as a non-drinker, as my ex discovered however I don’t seem to have any sort of physical barrier though, she had me drink half a freaking bottle of Sambucca and another half of vodka with her, then a trio of tooheys extra dry, and a couple of Slate Bourbon and Cola. *sighs* That was a busy night. I so related to the poor guy in Cum Chin My Girlflend when she got drunk.


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