Gaijin Smash

Headline News II

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 8, 2007

As feedback for the last one was mostly positive, here’s a new Headline News article. …I really feel that you should all listen to Weird Al’s parody song of the same name as you read. It’s what I listen to when I write, and I feel it enhances the experience somehow. If a film were ever made about my life, I would want Weird Al to play me. Sure, he’s not big, or black…but it’s not like Hollywood has never made any colossal casting blunders before. Why get all fussy now?
***
Okay, I’m a bit confused here.

Public broadcaster NHK was flooded with hundreds of complaints from viewers about costumes worn by dancers in a popular annual year-end show on Sunday, which made them look like they were gyrating in the nude, NHK officials said.
Announcer Tamio Miyake apologized for the costume during the program, saying: “We ended up causing misunderstanding to viewers. We’re sorry.” NHK received over 250 complaints from viewers about the costumes, worn by female dancers dancing behind musician DJ OZMA during the annual “Kohaku Song Contest” program aired Sunday night. The costumes were body suits designed to resemble a woman’s naked body.
“Are they dancing naked?” one of the viewers said in a phone call to NHK. “It’s inappropriate as children are viewing the program,” another viewer complained. (Mainichi)

So, let me get this straight.
Nudity in public baths: not a problem.
Old men reading porn magazines on the train: a-ok.
Dancers wearing “naked” body suits: OMG offensive!
…Would it have been better if the dancers were actually naked?
But I guess Janet Jackson can take a sigh of relief. America isn’t the only country that gets all fussy over nipples, be it .001 second of a nipple, or a fake prosthetic one. You know, to ensure that my kids won’t be “traumatized” by any brief incidental nipples, I’m going to desensitize them early. Nipple-themed baby crib, nipple wallpaper, perhaps even a Lego nipple set. This may be a bad idea, but I don’t think anyone’s ever tried it, and you just never know. I’m willing to be a pioneer here.
***
This story is so incredibly Japanese.

KOFU — A man has scattered dozens of 10,000-yen notes from pedestrian overpasses here, police said.
At about 3:20 p.m. on Friday, a passer-by spotted a man scattering 10,000-yen notes from a pedestrian overpass along a prefectural highway in the Marunouchi district of Kofu, and alerted police. Another passer-by picked up 10 of the bills, and submitted them to a local police station.
At about 4 p.m., 35 10,000-yen bills were scattered from a pedestrian overpass over Route 358, about 600 meters away from Marunouchi. Investigators said the same man may have been responsible for both cases. (Mainichi)

Only in Japan, ONLY in Japan would this kind of thing happen. You know what I’m talking about.
Passerby 1: Hey, look…that guy is dumping money out onto the street!
Passerby 2: Wow, he sure is!
Passerby 1: Well, that’s not right…I’ll call the police.
Passerby 2: I’ve picked up about $1000, I’ll go turn it in.
And this was only the first story. They’ve been finding loads of money dumped in all sorts of places around Japan. And everyone’s been turning it in! Who is doing this? Why doesn’t he come to Kyoto? If I found some of these bundles of cash…shit, I wouldn’t be here writing this now. I’d be jet skiing off the coast of Sri Lanka. I’d be sipping daiquiris on a Mediterranean beach. I’d be lining up only the finest, high-quality call girls, as far as the eye could see. All thanks to Ankuru Sukuruuju and his endless supply of money bags.
I honestly can’t believe they just turned it in.


***
If Japan does ever find itself in conflict again, at least they have one unstoppable secret weapon: the little old ladies.

OSAKA — A 70-year-old woman who was attacked on a street in Osaka managed to foil her would-be robber by kicking him in the crotch, police said.
At about 9 p.m. on Tuesday, the attacker grabbed the woman from behind and covered her mouth before pushing her onto the ground in Osaka’s Ikuno-ku, demanding money. However, he fled after the woman kicked him in the groin.
The man was about 165 centimeters tall and looked around 50 years old. He was wearing jeans.
The woman told police that she used her right leg to administer the coup-de-grace as she has trouble moving her left leg. (Mainichi)

…Wow. Just…wow. And she can’t even move her left leg! I’m absolutely speechless.
If some country ever tried to invade Japan, Japan should just send a small contingent of like 300 old women or something. Have this lady at the front, so she can scream “THIS! IS! NIPPON!” as she kicks some messenger right in his fucking nuts.
Messenger: Our arrows will blot out the sun!
Obasan: Then we will fight under our parasols. Bitch.
***
In browsing the news about sending criminals to prison, you may start to find that the sentences are a little light. Like, in this story…

ASAHIKAWA, Hokkaido — Two 16-year-old boys who appeared in a local family court over the slaying of the mother of one of the youths were Thursday ordered to spend time in a juvenile reformatory.
The Asahikawa Family Court ruled that the teens, whose names were withheld because they are minors, be sent to a juvenile reformatory over the killing of one of the teen’s mothers at her home in Wakkanai, Hokkaido, in August last year. In handing down the ruling, it said a term of about four years of correction was appropriate.
snipped for content…

That’s really only one example. You see it all the time – mom starves her baby son to death, gets 6 years. A woman and her lover beat her 4-year old son, then left him to die in a ditch, because the boy became alarmed when they started having sex in the car – mother gets 14 years. It’s always a little unnerving to me, because these are people who did horrible, horrible things…and in just a few years, they’re going to be back in society. The contract killer above will be out of the juvenile reformatory by the time he’s 20.
Girl: Oh, I love you so much honey!
Boy: Yeah, you’re not bad either sweetcakes.
Girl: Hey, I wanna meet your parents. When can I?
Boy: I’m afraid that’s not possible.
Girl: Why not?
Boy: Mom’s dead. I didn’t like her always getting on my case, so I paid a friend to help stab her while she was taking a bath.
Girl: …………..
Boy: That was about 4 or 5 years ago though.
Girl: ………….
Boy: But don’t worry. I probably won’t do that to you.
Japan must have the greatest prisoner reform system ever, right?
***
Er…maybe not?

MIYOSHI, Aichi — A man who had just been released from prison has been arrested for strangling the wife of an acquaintance after she refused to allow him to stay at her home, police said.
Haruyoshi Arai, 58, is accused of murdering the victim, believed to be 77-year-old Ayako Uchida, at her apartment in Miyoshi.
Arai admitted to the allegations during questioning. “I was just released from jail and had no place to stay. I asked Uchida, the wife of a deceased acquaintance, to allow me to stay at her home. After she rejected my request, I got furious and killed her,” he was quoted as telling investigators.
At about 9:10 p.m. on Thursday, prefectural police received an emergency call from Arai, saying that he killed a woman at her apartment. Officers rushed to the scene and found the woman lying on the floor. She was rushed to hospital where she was pronounced dead about two hours later.
The officers took Arai into custody after he admitted having strangled her. (Mainichi)

Well, so much for the “greatest prisoner reform system ever” theory.
Again though, I love the Japanese honesty here. “Hello, 911? You guys need to come down here and arrest me, I just killed a person.” I used to wonder why there weren’t any good cop shows or legal-based court shows here like COPS, Rescue 911, or Court TV, but I realize now it’s because that shit would be boring as fuck.
Cops: (arrive on scene) What’s going on here?
Man: You’ll notice the body of my dead wife there on the floor. I killed her a few minutes ago.
Cops: Sir, is this true?
Man: Why yes, it is. She didn’t have dinner ready, and refused my request for a blow-job, so I had to put her in her place. I may have overdone it.
Cops: We’ve just confirmed, this woman is most definitely dead.
Man: Well then, that makes me a murderer, doesn’t it? You’d better arrest me.
Cops: Anything else you need to tell us?
Man: I roughed up a cheap whore last week too. She probably isn’t going to say anything…but I just want to clear the air on that one.
(A few months later)
Judge: So you admit to what you did?
Man: Yes, absolutely.
Judge: It is a terrible, and truly disgusting thing to beat you wife to death, the woman you promised to love, cherish, and protect.
Man: Yes, I agree.
Judge: …But a man needs his steak and a good BJ too, so certainly we can sympathize with your situation. I’m going to sentence you to 3 years in prison.
Lawyer: Hmm. Yes, that is very appropriate.
***
Who knows, maybe the Japanese are just way more lax/forgiving when it comes to crimes? I mean, when you read stories like this…

FUKUSHIMA — A man appealing a death sentence for killing four people said during a hearing he had killed a fifth victim, but later retracted the statement, saying it was a lie.
Shojiro Nishimoto, 30, an unemployed man with no fixed address, has been sentenced to death for killing four people in Nagano and Aichi prefectures.
“Sometime around April or May in 2003, I was driving a rental car in Fukushima and hit a woman. She was slightly injured,” he said during an appeal hearing at the Tokyo High Court on Oct. 25. “I murdered her and abandoned her body on a mountain because she said she was going to contact the police, and I thought my other crimes would be found out.”
Fukushima Prefectural Police subsequently mobilized hundreds of officers to search local mountains for the body, but Nishimoto recently told officials that he had lied during the hearing.
Nishimoto now says that he wanted to estrange himself from the world by admitting to a murder that never happened.
“If I confessed to another murder, the public and my family would probably estrange me. I want the public and my relatives break off any kind of relationship with me before I die,” officers quoted Nishimoto as saying.
When asked why he chose Fukushima Prefecture as a location of what he now called a fictitious murder, Nishimoto said he had been questioned by officers there in the past. (Mainichi)

…Huh? So, killing 4 people is forgivable, but kill that 5th for extra heapings of shame and admonishment? Seriously, huh?
If he wants people to estrange him, and apparently, killing 4 people just isn’t enough, perhaps we should line up some Hello Kitty dolls for him to drop-kick live on TV. And, while he’s doing that, say how he thought that the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were justified, and that the Japanese did terrible things during WWII such as Nanking and sex slaves. If that won’t do the trick, I don’t know what will.
***
And now for a lighter note.

A cross-dressing man who molested a woman on a Tokyo train has been arrested, police said.
Yoshihiro Tanabe, 51, a jobless man living in Nerima-ku, Tokyo, is accused of indecent assault. Tanabe admitted to the allegations during questioning. “I thought I wouldn’t be arrested because I was cross-dressed,” he was quoted as telling investigators. Tanabe, who had long hair, has told police that he loves cross-dressing.
At around 6 p.m. on Wednesday last week, Tanabe fondled the body of a 25-year-old university student on a JR Yamanote Line train while it was traveling between Shin-Okubo and Ikebukuro stations, local police said. The victim overpowered him after the train stopped at Ikebukuro Station and handed him over to police officers. (Mainichi)

At first, I thought this guy was clean out of his mind. But then I thought about it – how many times have I seen Japanese women freely and carelessly groping each other?
Yuki: I think my breasts grew a little last night.
Asami: (feeling Yuki) Wow, you’re right? Mine haven’t grown at all recently.
Yuki: (feeling Asami’s) But they’re really soft! And you’ve got some nice nipples as well.
Asami: Why, thank you. Oh, you know, recently I switched maxi-pads…this new type fits really snugly.
Yuki: …Oh, you’re right! This IS really tight!
The guy may not have been that far off the mark. Except for the cross-dressing part, but still.
I imagine Japan is some kind of All-You-Can-Grope Wonderland for lesbians, but as I have a penis I will never truly know for sure.
***
While cross-dressing is one idea, apparently this guy had the best one.

OSAKA – A court on Thursday acquitted a man indicted for touching a woman’s breast on a train, saying that it was not intentional.
The 57-year-old company executive from Kobe was arrested and indicted for touching the left breast of a 25-year-old woman on a JR Shinkansen train between Himeji and Shin-Kobe stations on March 8.
“We have found that the man’s hand touched the breast of the woman for more than a few seconds,” said Presiding Judge Nobuyuki Yokota at the Osaka District Court. “But the hand didn’t necessarily grab her breast.”
The judge added that the touching of the breast was so faint that no other passengers noticed it. (Mainichi)

The Code of the Train Molester Shinobi:
1. Thou shalt only grab with open palm. No cupping.
2. Thou shalt only grab in short intervals.
3. Thou shalt only grab in the shadows, unseen to all.
Follow this code, and you too may become a Train Molester Shinobi, impervious to silly laws and human rights. I am so totally grabbing me some open palm, brief, unnoticed, perfectly legal breast on the way home today.
***
Quickly, we must mobilize the Gaijin Institute For the Re-population of Japan! I wonder if we get a Bat-symbol like call-to-action thingy? What would it even be?

A government report adopted Friday describes Japan as a “society where the birthrate has declined to an extreme level,” and regards measures to prop up the birthrate as a priority policy issue.
The government adopted the “White Paper on a Birthrate-Declining Society for fiscal 2006” at a Cabinet meeting on Friday. The white paper cites the tendency of people getting married and giving birth to children at increasingly advanced ages, and an increase in the number of people who remain single as the direct causes of the decline in the nation’s birthrate. It points out that 47.1 percent of men and 32 percent of women in their early 30s were single in 2005, while 90 percent of men and women in their 30s were married in the 1970s.
The total fertility rate (TFR) — the average number of children that women give birth to in their life — declined to 1.25 in 2005, down 0.04 points from the year earlier. The rate was below 1.3 for the third straight year. Experts define a country whose TFR is below 1.3 as one where the birthrate has declined “to an extreme level.”
In order to deal with the problem, the white paper recommends measures to support child care such as the expansion of financial assistance and changes in work practices. It also calls for the creation of socioeconomic systems that can respond to the decline in the population, and urges the central and local governments, companies and regional communities to cooperate in tackling the problem. (Mainichi)

What I’m wondering is, what exactly are “companies and regional communities” going to do to help boost the declining birth rate?
Company President: Now, it’s time for our annual “End of the Year Party”, but seeing as how the national birthrate is steadily decreasing, I think we should play our part as a company to help tackle the problem. You may notice that all women and men have been given number cards. Find your partner with the same number, and go to your assigned love hotel room. Now, I’m giving you all 20 minutes, and then we’ll rotate partners, as you know, we gotta do everything we can to try and guarantee successful pregnancies. ….Tanaka, what the hell are you doing?! Is that a condom you’re pulling out of your wallet?! Put that shit away immediately.
Japan might become a really fun place to live in the next few years.
***
…What the fuck?

NAGO, Okinawa — A woman was hospitalized after a scorpion stung her on the leg and finger while she was trying on a pair of jeans at a clothing shop here, local officials said.
Health officials were called to the shop, Fashion Center Shimamura in Nago, and captured the scorpion, which was about five centimeters long. They believe that the scorpion is from China, as the jeans involved were imported from there. The scorpion found inside the jeans was probably a Chinese bark scorpion. Researchers at the Okinawa Prefecture Institute of Health and Environment said that Chinese bark scorpions have poison in the tip of their tails, but it is not lethal.
The woman came to the store in Nago on Oct. 26, and tried on a pair of jeans. She suddenly felt pain in her right knee and rubbed it with her right hand. The scorpion then stung her right index finger, officials said. Store clerks called an ambulance and she was taken to hospital, where she stayed for five days.
Employees at the store said that the jeans were from China and were shipped via Tokyo on Oct. 24. The jeans were displayed at the shop on Oct. 26. They added that during the process of drying and pressing jeans, workers use chlorine agents so they don’t believe the scorpion crawled inside the jeans at that stage. “We will investigate how it crawled inside the jeans and try to prevent a recurrence,” one employee at the store said.
Two types of scorpions inhabit the Yaeyama Islands and the Miyako Islands in Okinawa Prefecture and the Ogasawara Islands in Tokyo. But scorpions don’t live in any other areas of mainland Japan and on Okinawa Island. (Mainichi)

I mean, the absolute LAST thing I would expect is to be stung by a scorpion while trying on jeans. That shit just doesn’t even compute.
Woman: Oh hey, these jeans are ni- OWW!
Scorpion: GET OVAH HERE!
Shopping is more dangerous than I thought, apparently.
***
Nature Vs Japan Part II – When Nature Strikes Back

KARUIZAWA, Nagano — A woman suffered light injuries after being attacked by a bear while working in her garden at home here, police said Wednesday.
Police said the 64-year-old woman was bitten on the head and shoulder by the Asiatic black bear at about 6:50 a.m. on Wednesday. Police and a local hunting association have launched a search for the animal. Law enforcers said the bear had a body length of about 1 meter. After attacking the woman, it escaped into a nearby grove of trees.
Officials in the prefectural government’s forest management division said that bears have begun to show up in increasing numbers in the prefecture each year, with 188 incidents reported as of the end of June this year. Officials said the latest incident marked the first time that someone had been injured this year in the area. (Mainichi)

Out of all the oddball news stories I’ve posted today, THIS is the one I just can’t wrap my mind around.
Friend: Oh my God, Junko what happened?
Junko: Well, there I was, working in my garden, when this bear came down and bit me on the head…
Fuck Godzilla, Japan needs to worry about these ninja bears, dropping out of trees and shit and attacking peeps at random.
A bear. Goddamnit.
Note, however, that this 64-year old woman suffered “light injuries” after being BITTEN ON THE HEAD BY A BEAR. I *told* you little old Japanese women were indestructible, but you didn’t believe me, didja? I can’t imagine how dead I would be if a BEAR just suddenly rained down on me and BIT MY HEAD. But to this old woman? Light injuries.
Forget “a few years from now”, Japan is already an interesting place to live.

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77 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:13 am

    I bet the scorpian-woman is really, REALLY glad she doesn’t have a penis right now.
    And the old lady still isn’t totally indestructable. Light injuries are still injuries.
    Of course, 64 isn’t that old either.

  2. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:13 am

    I bet the scorpian-woman is really, REALLY glad she doesn’t have a penis right now.
    And the old lady still isn’t totally indestructable. Light injuries are still injuries.
    Of course, 64 isn’t that old either.

  3. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:50 am

    that’s pretty freakin’ crazy about the bear… maybe they were just being modest about the “light injuries” thing. she probably really got her head torn off. maybe for it to be considered serious injury the bear would’ve had to completely consume the whole body… the japanese do tend to understate things, as you well know.

  4. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:50 am

    that’s pretty freakin’ crazy about the bear… maybe they were just being modest about the “light injuries” thing. she probably really got her head torn off. maybe for it to be considered serious injury the bear would’ve had to completely consume the whole body… the japanese do tend to understate things, as you well know.

  5. Mayhem said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:51 am

    Yep… more proof that Japan is just completely screwed up in its own little way. Laughing copiously at thoughts of the Obasan 300, and for fitting in an MK quote. Still if young girls can randomly teleport about at school, what’s to say the wildlife (aka bears) can’t do the same?!

  6. CF said, on August 8, 2007 at 6:22 am

    Where I live (Pacific Northwest), we have to
    worry about bears wandering into *downtown*.
    I’m just waiting for one of the anti-fur protestors
    to take one on.
    Protestor: “Fur is murder!”
    Bear: “*ROAR*!” [SWIPE!]
    Bystander: “I don’t think that’s what she meant.”
    (And forget about little old ladies groin-kicking
    assailants — let’s see a little old lady kancho
    one…. >;) )

  7. final said, on August 8, 2007 at 6:27 am

    Masturbation Ninja
    Train Molester Shinobi
    What secret techniques will you teach us next?
    Can’t wait to see.

  8. code monkey said, on August 8, 2007 at 8:03 am

    He, he, he…Japanese is always interesting.

  9. sw3despills said, on August 8, 2007 at 8:40 am

    Damn grannies are tough

  10. Rob said, on August 8, 2007 at 8:46 am

    So birht rates are declining, but bears are becoming more of a prescence?
    Interesting…

  11. Geezer said, on August 8, 2007 at 8:56 am

    The jeans story is a fun one – notice how quickly the blame goes to rest on China. It’s not enough for a woman to be bitten by a scorpion. It was a Chinese scorpion in Chinese jeans. The Wide shows on TV would have great fun inventing characters who maliciously put the creature into the clothes in order to attack innocent young Japanese girls (with a “MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAA” for good measure).
    Enough of the media being about the dangerous nature of Chinese fruit, it’s time to up the ante. Make everybody scared of Chinese clothes, and soon we shall have won the fight to really offend the Chinese exporters.
    I’m yet to work out why that seems to be the aim.

  12. Cerebomb said, on August 8, 2007 at 9:04 am

    I mean, the absolute LAST thing I would expect is to be stung by a scorpion while trying on jeans. That shit just doesn’t even compute.
    Woman: Oh hey, these jeans are ni- OWW!
    Scorpion: GET OVAH HERE!
    Hahahahaha! Priceless!

  13. martin said, on August 8, 2007 at 9:52 am

    About the train groping. I saw an article about a groping club in Japan that went a far a hiring female test subjects to ride in the train and let the members horn there skills on. The leader of the club should have over 114 confirmed gropes in his palm (how du you confirm that anyway?).

  14. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 10:26 am

    wait a minute…
    the bear snuck up behind a person, and didn’t perform a hidden finger jutsu?
    in the land of kancho assassins, something is amiss.

  15. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 10:26 am

    wait a minute…
    the bear snuck up behind a person, and didn’t perform a hidden finger jutsu?
    in the land of kancho assassins, something is amiss.

  16. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 11:50 am

    dropbears.

  17. Anonymous said, on August 8, 2007 at 11:50 am

    dropbears.

  18. Belthasar2 said, on August 8, 2007 at 12:10 pm

    Hey!
    Great news stories!. I actually saw a bit
    of this show but missed that one.
    Man, I wished I could understand Japanese news …
    till next time
    Belthasar2,
    your beloved Austrian
    (at the moment stationed in Kobe,
    yeah I finally found the way too)

  19. Phelps said, on August 8, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    Okay, so one woman gets stung a couple of times by a non-lethal scorption, and spends five days in the hospital, while another woman gets bit in the head by a bear and walks away?
    I think they should let the gardener lady fight a deathmatch against jeans lady.
    Five days? Really?

  20. GringoDownSouth said, on August 8, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    I had heard about the dumping of money all over Japan as well, Az. It did strike me as more than a little insane that the people were notifying the police! Do they really think this man dropped all those bills by accident? I bet he’s pissed he tried to do a good deed and ended up freaking everyone out!

  21. AutumnFire said, on August 8, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    The victim overpowered him after the train stopped at Ikebukuro Station and handed him over to police officers. (Mainichi)
    Sounds like an Obaasan-in-training. “Grope me, will you? I will kick your ass!”
    Thinking about it, maybe you’d better not try to get some palmed, brief breast contact. You might get the shit kicked out of you by some OIT.

  22. Nick said, on August 8, 2007 at 2:06 pm

    Maybe Sub-Zero hangs out in the public pools, shrinking testicles on his off-time – wear the pants while swimming to see a good fight 🙂 Actually that would be indescribably painful – better take them off and just throw the pants in the pool..

  23. Koneko said, on August 8, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    I gotta admit… it took a second to realize the “300” quote… But i immediately picked up the MK quote…. I really miss that game….

  24. Captain Canada said, on August 8, 2007 at 3:52 pm

    I bet the murder sentencing would be a hell-of-a-lot different if a non-Japanese person committed them.
    If the birth-rate goes back up, rest assured that the ninja bears will lower it back down. Scary bastards.

  25. Gomez said, on August 8, 2007 at 4:58 pm

    If some country ever tried to invade Japan, Japan should just send a small contingent of like 300 old women or something. Have this lady at the front, so she can scream “THIS! IS! NIPPON!” as she kicks some messenger right in his fucking nuts.
    Honestly the first thought that popped into my head when the old lady kicked the guy in the nuts was more along the lines of
    Obasan: THAT’S MY PURSE!! (takes a defensive stance)
    Obasan: I DON’T KNOW YOU!! (kicks man in nuts)
    But then again I get that not a lot of people would get reference… Oh well at least I know what it means.

  26. commodorejohn said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    As far as little old ladies go, I’m certainly not going to contest the sheer unstoppability of Japanese grandmas, but I feel that little old ladies all over the world deserve some of the love; they may not all be Cologne, but they’re a lot tougher than you’d think. I think the feebleness is just a front, really. Like that one lady who had her house invaded by a burglar and, instead of running over to the neighbors’ to call the police, grabbed a decorative sword off the mantlepiece and chased him down with it. Anybody who’s ever had to deal with a cranky old lady knows that look they give you; the fear you feel under that gaze is your body’s instinctive way of telling you “Don’t. Mess. With. Her.” God help us should they ever get over slighting each others’ curtain choices and band together.

  27. Nick said, on August 8, 2007 at 6:29 pm

    As they once had on the Man Show…
    Casual Sex Friday!

  28. Neil said, on August 8, 2007 at 7:18 pm

    In regards to the birthrates: Just gather all of the single women in Japan, and import as many otaku as you can. It’s foolproof.

  29. Tone said, on August 8, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    “The scorpion found inside the jeans was probably a Chinese bark scorpion.”
    –the Chinese “poison train” claims yet another victim. They are getting pretty creative with their defects huh?

  30. rubbav1 said, on August 8, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    “I really feel that you should all listen to Weird Al’s parody song of the same name as you read. It’s what I listen to when I write, and I feel it enhances the experience somehow. If a film were ever made about my life, I would want Weird Al to play me. Sure, he’s not big, or black…but it’s not like Hollywood has never made any colossal casting blunders before. Why get all fussy now?”
    I never felt closer to you.
    “they sold soundbites
    and sold TV movie rights”

  31. Patrick said, on August 8, 2007 at 11:44 pm

    As I said over on OP9, I am willing to sign up for the Institute, but I will require sponsorship.

  32. ltcinsane said, on August 9, 2007 at 1:17 am

    Hey Az we had a news article recently down here in Australia about a couple of 16yr olds in Tokyo setting a homeless old man on fire.
    does that happen often over there ?

  33. Shamie said, on August 9, 2007 at 1:50 am

    “All-You-Can-Grope Wonderland”
    How dare you get my hopes up, *sobsobsob*! Although, it’s Japan, how much is there REALLY to grope anyways?

  34. Amanda said, on August 9, 2007 at 2:39 am

    Gomez: LOL, I saw that episode!
    And it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who saw the MK reference 😉 BTW Az, did you read about the Thai cops who have to wear Hello Kitty armbands as punishment for minor infarctions? Thought I’d see that in here somewhere.

  35. Oathkeeper said, on August 9, 2007 at 3:34 am

    Ho shit, the bear….
    Some people gotta go over there and start like…. observing obasans with film crews and shit.
    I mean, there *has* to be some sorta secret they be using to be so indestructable, right?

  36. Shinkada said, on August 9, 2007 at 6:30 am

    “I wonder if we get a Bat-symbol like call-to-action thingy? What would it even be?”
    A burger.

  37. Misty said, on August 9, 2007 at 6:53 am

    It’s not Uncle Scrooge giving the money away, it could never be Scroogie period. He loves his bags of money too much to just give away on the streets.

  38. sammy shmidt said, on August 9, 2007 at 7:03 am

    Haha on you’re obisan theory a headline from a week ago is that japanese women are going to be the longest living people on the planet, followed by icelandic men.

  39. celestial-salamander said, on August 9, 2007 at 9:45 am

    Company President: Now, it’s time for our annual “End of the Year Party”, but seeing as how the national birthrate is steadily decreasing, I think we should play our part as a company to help tackle the problem. You may notice that all women and men have been given number cards. Find your partner with the same number, and go to your assigned love hotel room. Now, I’m giving you all 20 minutes, and then we’ll rotate partners, as you know, we gotta do everything we can to try and guarantee successful pregnancies. ….Tanaka, what the hell are you doing?! Is that a condom you’re pulling out of your wallet?! Put that shit away immediately.

  40. celestial-salamander said, on August 9, 2007 at 9:47 am

    sorry about the dobble post i don’t know how to eddit these coments. what i ment to say was.
    “Company President: Now, it’s time for our annual “End of the Year Party”, but seeing as how the national birthrate is steadily decreasing, I think we should play our part as a company to help tackle the problem. You may notice that all women and men have been given number cards. Find your partner with the same number, and go to your assigned love hotel room. Now, I’m giving you all 20 minutes, and then we’ll rotate partners, as you know, we gotta do everything we can to try and guarantee successful pregnancies. ….Tanaka, what the hell are you doing?! Is that a condom you’re pulling out of your wallet?! Put that shit away immediately.”
    sounds like the plot of a porno. posibly hentai

  41. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 9:50 am

    WHO’S DRIVING? OH MY GOD BEAR IS DRIVING HOW CAN THAT BE?

  42. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 9:50 am

    WHO’S DRIVING? OH MY GOD BEAR IS DRIVING HOW CAN THAT BE?

  43. Kohaku said, on August 9, 2007 at 11:56 am

    Ive ALREADY told you how often and easily they will grope a girl here. You dont have to be Japanese, just female…NO ONE BELIEVES ME!
    lol about the bear. Come now Az, you know how they love to “suffer”! You know very well the bear bit off her arm and half her head….”light injuries” my tail…..
    At least the Obaasan didnt pull that workout video*

    “spare me my life! spare me my life!”
    And my friends wonder why Im enjoying Japan so much.

  44. shinraunit said, on August 9, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    I wouldn’t be so quick to question their blaming the scorpion incident on China. Look at all the Chinese-made poisoned products that have made their way over here. In addition to the fruit/soap/etc, I now hear that they’ve shipped a bunch of Fischer-Price children’s products coated with LEAD PAINT. Not even the kids are safe from Hu Jintao’s secret plan to bring China to the top of the food chain by “accidentally” killing off their rivals.
    In response to the video posted by Kohaku:
    “It’s okay, it’s okay. Me big American man!”

  45. LoR said, on August 9, 2007 at 4:52 pm

    “KOFU — A man has scattered dozens of 10,000-yen notes from pedestrian overpasses here, police said.”
    !
    Japanese Henry Sugar!
    (please tell me someone here read Roald Dahl)
    Note on the bear story that it’s 1 meter long. Which broke my 6-foot-tall grizzly bear mental image. =/
    But still impressive.
    >>”spare me my life! spare me my life!”
    Oh my, I had completely forgotten about those videos. I should watch them again when I get home.

  46. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 6:58 pm

    oh man them japanese exercise videos make me wanna claw my eyes out. do they even know what they’re saying?
    and such a catchy MIDI tune too…
    anyway, that’s some really wacky shit Az. you’ve turned me like, anti-weeaboo, or something. i love hearing about all this crazy shit happening in japan and your experiences, but i’d be afraid to ever go there.
    and honestly, if someone were giving away free money here in the states i think he’d make the news as a hero or something (unless he stole it, did that guy over there steal the money he was giving away?)
    and i know of a little old asian lady, not sure of here heritage, but now i know to never mess with her :S
    and i’d probably sign up for your repopulation thing too if i werent freaked the fuck out by some of the shit you’ve written, but most of the time it’s funny as hell.
    +1000 internets for you Az!

  47. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 6:58 pm

    oh man them japanese exercise videos make me wanna claw my eyes out. do they even know what they’re saying?
    and such a catchy MIDI tune too…
    anyway, that’s some really wacky shit Az. you’ve turned me like, anti-weeaboo, or something. i love hearing about all this crazy shit happening in japan and your experiences, but i’d be afraid to ever go there.
    and honestly, if someone were giving away free money here in the states i think he’d make the news as a hero or something (unless he stole it, did that guy over there steal the money he was giving away?)
    and i know of a little old asian lady, not sure of here heritage, but now i know to never mess with her :S
    and i’d probably sign up for your repopulation thing too if i werent freaked the fuck out by some of the shit you’ve written, but most of the time it’s funny as hell.
    +1000 internets for you Az!

  48. Chase said, on August 9, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    I dunno if you watched any television last night, but around 7 pm they had a woman with freakishly large (natural) breasts flown in from America to display her talent of crushing beer cans via a Breast Smash on a variety show. When she walked on stage she told all the women to give them a feel, at which point all the women gathered around and did a group lift and grope. Afterwards the woman smashed the hands of all the men, who remarked her breasts were like a bag a cement.
    Yeah… lesbian groping is ok on public television, but naked costumes are not?

  49. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    Your opinions are biased.
    Also, the pop culture references you’re making are beginning to not be funny anymore.

  50. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    Your opinions are biased.
    Also, the pop culture references you’re making are beginning to not be funny anymore.

  51. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2007 at 9:01 pm

    Chase: Wasn’t that woman on the Man Show? I remember something awesome like that.

  52. Empyrean said, on August 10, 2007 at 12:04 am

    You almost killed me with that Mortal Kombat reference. I couldn’t stop laughing.

  53. Justin said, on August 10, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    I am starting to get nervous. My wife and I are going to Japan in October and she is (how should I say this?) nicely proportioned. I am afraid someone is going to try to grope her, I kick his ass, and then get arrested for being an unruly American attacking a helpless, innocent salaryman.

  54. Anonymous said, on August 11, 2007 at 3:06 am

    “THIS! IS! NIPPON!” as she kicks some messenger right in his fucking nuts.
    Messenger: Our arrows will blot out the sun!
    Obasan: Then we will fight under our parasols. Bitch.
    —————–
    Ehehe. I was listening to the 300 soundtrack as I got to this part.

  55. Anonymous said, on August 11, 2007 at 3:06 am

    “THIS! IS! NIPPON!” as she kicks some messenger right in his fucking nuts.
    Messenger: Our arrows will blot out the sun!
    Obasan: Then we will fight under our parasols. Bitch.
    —————–
    Ehehe. I was listening to the 300 soundtrack as I got to this part.

  56. Serge said, on August 13, 2007 at 1:20 am

    Scorpion: GET OVAH HERE!
    Mortal Kombat reference ftw!
    Btw, you mention what Japan did wrong quite a few times and how they ignore it, yet I feel your leaving out the most brutal one; Bataan Death March (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bataan_Death_March)

  57. Tuan Jim said, on August 14, 2007 at 10:25 am

    As far as cop shows, I’ve heard great things about the “Odoru Daisousen” aka “Bayside Shakedown” tv show, although unfortunately only the movies (all extremely entertaining) are available subtitled on DVD.

  58. Matt Metford said, on August 14, 2007 at 11:50 pm

    Interesting. Both of the groped women in question were 25.
    For my part, I have finally escaped Japan. Though I’m moving to Vancouver soon, and it’s like 70% Japanese and Chinese people anyway, so it’s not much difference.

  59. Josh said, on August 17, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    here is the concert in question from DJ OZMA http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5082244996352095427

  60. Cheryl said, on August 18, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    Japanese prison sentences seem lax in comparison to the US, but Japanese prisons make even the roughest prison in the US look like Club Med.

  61. Steve said, on August 21, 2007 at 5:21 am

    I remember that show with the “nude” body suits. I was watching it with my girlfriend and her parents. My girlfriend and mom though those were real tits. I disagreed however that they didn’t have the right giggle / shake.
    Probably didn’t win too many points that night…
    Girlfriend’s mom: And how SHOULD a boob shake?
    Me: Ummm, sumimasen. Nihongo choto…

  62. DunnDeegan said, on August 22, 2007 at 12:43 am

    Strange things cops investigate…I guess it’s impossible to give away money. Aparently it’s impossible to give away stuff as well. I’m moving back home from korea soon and some friends and I bought those toy guns that shoot plastic bb’s when we were drunk one night. we decided to just leave them in the hall way for kids to take, because we see kids running around with them all the time. Anyways, I left for work this morning and saw 2 cops and the security guard carefully inspecting the ‘crime scene’ of 3 toy guns propped up against the wall in my buildings hallway. that was comical.

  63. Helge said, on August 23, 2007 at 11:22 pm

    That scorpion story reminds me of an urban legend where a woman gets bitten by a snake while trying on some imported clothes.
    http://www.snopes.com/critters/snakes/coat.asp

  64. Kalle Alm said, on August 26, 2007 at 9:15 am

    I just wanted to comment on the “companies and regional communities” cooperating deal, because it makes a lot of sense from what I’ve heard. When I’ve asked Japanese women why the birth rate in Japan is so low, the response was not, contrary to some beliefs, “we don’t have sex.” Rather, it was that a woman who becomes pregnant basically gives up her career — her workplace will thank her for her time and wish her good luck — and the child care benefits are nearly non-existent. If companies were more willing to give pregnant women “mommy leave” and then let them back into the company, and if the government improved the child care programmes, I think a big part of the problem would be solved right there.
    That in turn has its own issues of course. The image of a healthy family (mommy at home taking care of children and daddy handling the income) needs some work too though, from what I can tell.
    -Kalle.

  65. Ember said, on August 29, 2007 at 9:27 pm

    And here I am sitting in a house in the middle of the Sonora Desert wondering what the big deal about the scorpion thing is. Surprising? Yeah, I’d go that far. Astonishing? That’s a stretch. But mind-blowing? Really?
    YMMV, I guess.

  66. chris said, on September 1, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    it’s like Risk. when you collect 5 murder cards, you cash them in for extra dishonor.

  67. Anonymous said, on September 4, 2007 at 9:19 pm

    ……I now fear old Japanese women…..

  68. Anonymous said, on September 4, 2007 at 9:19 pm

    ……I now fear old Japanese women…..

  69. Anonymous said, on September 10, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    “perhaps we should line up some Hello Kitty dolls for him to drop-kick live on TV.”
    I think you’ve found the next great Japanese TV program. Watch celebrities drop-kick Hello Kitty dolls live.

  70. Anonymous said, on September 10, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    “perhaps we should line up some Hello Kitty dolls for him to drop-kick live on TV.”
    I think you’ve found the next great Japanese TV program. Watch celebrities drop-kick Hello Kitty dolls live.

  71. M said, on September 16, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    About how you said that Japan takes lightly on crimes… it’s true. You can commit the most heinous murder rampage and get away with a few years in prison and additional few years in a correctional facility simply by having one who calls himself a psychiatrist testify for you; whereas in America, the insanity defense hardly ever succeeds. Trust me, Japan’s idea of prisoner reform is just pessimistic idealist horse shit. Additionally, sex crimes are as common as shoplifting at a mall.

  72. token said, on September 20, 2007 at 8:47 pm

    Re: It being a thing peculiar to Japanese girls to grope each other…
    Apparently you haven’t met myself and my friends. I snuggled in their chests, and we grope each other all the time. I’ve even repaired my roommate’s lacy underwear (clean, thank God). Seriously, you need to meet some more relaxed American girls!
    Also, Re: The scorpion in the jeans…
    Similar thing happened to my mom in Tobago. She was about to put her wetsuit on for scuba diving when I noticed a baby scorpion inside it. Now those things pack a powerful punch – she could have been badly injured or killed depending on when the scorpion got nasty (70 ft under water + scorpion sting = X.X )
    Great post, as usual!

  73. Ceri Cat said, on September 28, 2007 at 6:11 am

    For the older woman bitten by the bear I’m sure 3 feet tall was still pretty monstrous (she’s probably at most between 4 and 5 feet herself). Now for people like Az and myself who top the 6 foot mark it’s still pretty scary because that bruin still has another clout to tear us apart. Don’t mistake small for powerless, as an example a minature horse which is no taller than your average great dane has a kick perhaps 3/4 as powerful of a regular light horse (the kind you right, thoroughbreds, quarter horse, etc fit this category 14 1/2 – 17 1/2 hands tall at the shoulder [1hand being 4 inches]), which I can assure you is more than enough to kill a grown man at full extension. Bears are a heck of a lot more heavily muscled than horses.
    As to the declining population… 1.2 per year (screw the second decimal point) still means that they’re increasing their population slowly. In a country that is as crowded as Japan actually having negative growth for a while would help them out a bit in terms of economy. Frankly China would be laughing at them given the fact they’re enforcing population decline because of the strain on resources.
    And the enmity between China and Japan goes back a very long time, hundreds of years at least in fact. And as anyone at all familiar with either culture can tell you they can hold a grudge for eternity. However I would guess in the case of the scorpion they’re not rubbing salt in the wound, stuff like this definitely happens from time to time regardless of where you live, given the close proximity between China and Japan than some of the other places China exports to it’s not inconceivable for our playful arachnid to have survived in his/her warm nest safe and alive for the trip unlike trips to other countries where it might have crawled out or become a jam spread.
    And yeah there was lead in the paint on the toys from Cars the movie (Sarge and another one specifically were nailed, however they were doing checks on a lot of their other merchandise JIC), was on Australian news (TEN IIRC for the other Australians) one of the rare occasions I watched it (what can I say it’s nearly as boring as days of our lives).
    Um Parasols Az? In that shade they wouldn’t need them, it’d be more like, “good we can use our hands too.” And for reference sake that quote goes back to the real battle of thermopilae, attributed to one of the Spartans, 300 is actually less interesting than the real thing, though I must admit I like Frank Miller’s work as a graphic novellist.

  74. Ceri Cat said, on September 28, 2007 at 6:49 am

    Bleh hate double posting but accidentally hit post too early.
    I wouldn’t worry about the groping incidents regarding your wife, just make certain to leave the guilty party alive so the police can have him, just be careful that salaryman might have a few tricks up his sleeves. Half their enjoyment of groping is the risk of getting caught, the irony of it being easier to get away with it in a crowded area doesn’t seem to bother their sense of daring. I’m pretty sure the police would excuse your overenthuisiasm in handling him as just another Gaijin not understanding the right way to do things.
    Bataan was a nasty incident but besides not being related to this specific posting it was not the nastiest of Japan’s war crimes in WWII. I’d refer you to the Burma railway or the Sandakan death march the numbers might be lower than than of Bataan during Sandakan but consider this of over 6,000 people marched between Sandakan and Ranau only about 6 survived the war. The murder of those too ill to make the march, the underprovisioning of those made to march, the eventual execution of anyone still in the camp at Ranau, perhaps 2 weeks after the war was over.

  75. Kalle Alm said, on September 30, 2007 at 7:00 am

    token: Not 1.2 per year. That’d be reproduction galore. 1.2 per life. And for every woman there’s a man (roughly speaking — I think it’s 49.5%/50.5% or so, worldwide), which would require at least a 2.0 per life per woman to “meet ends”. 1.2 means half the population give birth to “1.2” children each. If you count that as “births per capita” you end up at 0.6.

  76. Joe Bloggs said, on November 6, 2007 at 3:01 am

    LOL! First post here. Until I have sth more inspiring to say, I’d just like to say that THIS! IS! NIPPON! Is ROFL funny.
    But I wonder what happened to the powah of the Obasan when that 77-yr old got strangled. I mean hey she was even older than the one who got floored by the robber before totally pwning him!

  77. Caleb said, on July 31, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    “Woman: Oh hey, these jeans are ni- OWW!
    Scorpion: GET OVAH HERE!”
    Hahahahaha! Absolutely hilarious!


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