Gaijin Smash

More Than Meets the Eye

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 2, 2007

Last Wednesday was like, the best day EVER.
I was getting on the train for work, and on a whim I decide to listen to the theme songs for the classic Transformers cartoon on my iPod. Yes, of course I have the Transformers themes on my iPod, do you even have to ask? I wonder what all the Japanese people would think on the train if they saw this big black dude with his earphones, and expect him to be bumpin’ to some Eminem or 50 Cent or something, only to find out that he was really jamming to “the Transformers! More than meets the eye!”
Anyway, listening to the themes only reminded me of my frustration over not having seen the new live action Transformers movie yet. For big movies, Japan is usually pretty good about getting them on time. We got Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix at the same time as America, and we actually got Spider-Man 3 a few days early. But for some reason, Transformers doesn’t come out here until August 4th, a whole month after America. And, apparently, the rest of the world. Swear to God, Japan is like the last fuckin’ nation on Earth to get this movie. Fools in Iraq were ducking bullets while watching Transformers. Kids in Ethiopia still don’t have any biscuits, but at least they could watch the Transformers movie.
With the movie out *everywhere else,* buzz was abound on the internet. Contrary to the popular belief of all the Professional Internet Movie Psychics out there, apparently the movie did not suck steaming piles of donkey shit. I was very excited–more than just a blockbuster summer movie, this was a chance to reclaim a long-long portion of my childhood. Outpost Nine fans know of the everlasting, deep emotional damage that the original Transformers animated movie did to my psyche. Having a TF move–a good TF movie, and live action no less? I could hardly wait. And yet, I was going to have to wait because Japan is apparently some backwards ass nation that can’t get the Michael Bay Transformers movie on time. I bet you they’re still pissed off about Pearl Harbor. Hey Japan, we didn’t like it either! Meanwhile, an Eskimo in an igloo is using his Morse code system to tap out how awesome he thought the Transformers movie was.


Anyway, as I get to work, I run into a new hire, a young Korean guy. As he sees me, he signals me–“Hey, my wife has a free pass to an advance screening of Transformers today. But there’s also a festival in town, and we want to go to that instead. So I was thinking, would you like to take the pass?”
You know, I talk about Japan almost exclusively on this site, which is kind of one-dimensional. Let me take a moment to talk about Korea. What an awesome country. And Koreans–such beautiful people.
The awesomeness had a catch though. The card was addressed to his wife–therefore it had the name of a Japanese female on it. It also read: “Pass is only redeemable for one person, the intended recipient of the pass.” I am very obviously not Japanese, or female. I take the pass anyway, figuring it’s worth a shot at least.
My first thought was to use my Elite Photoshop h4x to make a new mailing label with my name on it. However, this was something that would require time and effort. Unlike my English teacher job, where between classes I could go find a safe place to sleep, or pretend to be engrossed in “1-Kyuu for Dummies” when I’m really perusing “Hot Japanese Biker Babes,” I was working a real job now, where they actually expected me to do real work and stuff. I didn’t have the time to devote to Photoshop h4x.
I eventually decided on three possible courses of action.
1. Hand them the pass, and if they questioned me, get really angry and tell them that that’s actually my name. Of course, it isn’t my name, and I can’t prove that for a second, but I’m hoping that the sight of a black man getting ready to unleash his Unbridled Negro Rage (UNR) would Gaijin Smash the Japanese into submission.
Q: What’s scarier than a big, angry, rampaging black man?
A: Not a whole lot. Lions, maybe.
2. Hand them the pass, and respond to any and all questions in English. I think that the Japanese English Freak Out is actually more potent than any UNR-induced Gaijin Smashes. Or, combine the two–get angry and start yelling in English. It’s like you’re the owner of a Glassware and Fine China shop, and you look up to see not only a 5-ton rhinoceros charging at your shop, the rhino also happens to be wearing a jet pack equipped with lasers and shit. It’s like, you’ve transcended ordinary levels of fucked and gone right into super-fucked.
3. Tell them that the pass was for my wife, but she couldn’t go so she gave it to me. If they doubt me, call my girlfriend up and have her pretend to be this woman. Wasn’t my favorite option, but an option nonetheless.
Work ended, and I headed out to the hall where they would be holding the screening. It wasn’t far from where I worked, but it was in an area of Osaka I’ve never been to before. If you’ve never been to Osaka, it’s basically a giant city version of a Rubik’s cube. I think the Hand of God occasionally comes down and turns random streets and subsections on their heads just to fuck with you. Time was going to be of the essence–the screening started at 6:30, and I didn’t even arrive in the area until 6:20. There was going to be no room for error. Despite the clusterfuck that is Osaka city streets, I somehow found the place on my first try! Yes! The awesomeness of this day continues! Now, the next hurdle–how do I pretend to be a Japanese woman?
I scoped the situation out. It was a whole lot bigger than I had anticipated. The event was being held in some grand concert hall, and there were A LOT of people. There was one girl at the front, casually collecting the passes as a steady stream of people filtered in. Yes, this can work! Abandoning my careful strategies, I simply just got in line, and handed my pass to the girl face down. She smiled, collected it, and really, that was the end of the story. I know she turned it over, but if she took a good look at the name became suspicious, all she would have seen of me was my vapor trail, as I hauled ass into that movie theater faster than the scattering of crackheads when a patrol car shows up. YES! I made it in!
The hall was actually quite big. As I arrived somewhat late, I couldn’t get a seat very close at all. To say that I was in the rafters would be an understatement. I think I was high enough and far back enough, that I had actually crossed border lines, and was sitting in one of the many other countries that had gotten the movie first. But, I didn’t care. It was a free ticket, and a ticket a whole week and a half before the actual release date. Moreover, as I scanned the entire crowd, it was apparent I was the only Gaijin. (Well, at least Western Gaijin … there could have been some Chinabots or Koreaticons I couldn’t immediately recognize). As I sat, I had the stupidest grin plastered across my face. It was good not to have God hate me, if only for a day.
There was, however, one thing to worry about. Was the movie going to be subtitled, or dubbed in Japanese?
Back in the day, I used to be involved in the anime communities. Quite a few years ago, before anime had exploded into the pop culture beast that it is now, and when I actually watched the stuff. We anime “fans” used to bemoan and cry American dubbing practices for radically changing the show to better appeal to American audiences. “OMG, Son Goku doesn’t sound like a Japanese woman! This is disrespectful and obscene to the original Japanese source material! Unnnhhhh.” See, what we didn’t realize, is that the Japanese do the exact same thing. If you ever happen to be in Japan, try watching an American TV show with the Japanese audio track, and see if you don’t want to pour hot wax right down your ears. I mean, I’m not a big fan of the Rachel character on Friends or anything like that, but did they really have to make her sound like a female Japanese house elf on methamphetamine?
If the movie was going to be in Japanese, there was almost no point. Back when I was unemployed, I noticed that the Cartoon Network on satellite was going to be showing the original Transformers on satellite. As a huge fan, and with nothing better to do in the early evenings, of course I was going to watch. On the first Monday of airing, I sat down, ready to enjoy my favorite childhood show.
Naturally, what I expected to be the first thing on the screen was the classic Transformers intro. There’s cheezy synthesizers, random sound effects, a chorus of people who sound like they were just pulled off the street to sing…it’s awesome. Of course, this was still before the Golden Era of Intro Theme Songs of the 90s, where theme songs were simply the greatest thing to have existed in the universe. There were guitar riffs, more synthesizers, and the singers used to pour their heart and soul into these songs. Case in point–the intro for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This guy sang the shit outta that song. I think he actually died after recording, having put his everything into regaling us about these fearsome fighting teens.
Anyway, I digress. I sat down, expecting the usual theme song awesomeness. This is what I got instead.
What the fu- … WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NONSENSE?!
This is … this is horrible. I can’t even begin to describe how wrong this is. It gets even worse if you actually understand the lyrics…
(robot voice) Transform!
*cue woefully inappropriate music*
(stupid woooo’ing)
Wake up!
Wake up from a golden sleep
The MYSTERIOUS MIND of someone’s heart
Even though there’s only one color of life
BREAK UP! BREAK UP! Degenerating planet

What the fu– … this is not right! The Transformers is a heartwarming and touching tale of giant robot aliens from outer space, who can turn into vehicles and have come to Earth to continue beating the crap out of each other. This song … these lyrics … this crap isn’t even good enough to be called MySpace poetry. I wouldn’t use this as the theme song for a drama about a pair of middle-aged lesbians who are both searching for self-discovery while doing missionary work in Zimbabwe. I mean, seriously, how did this happen?
Once I got past my initial shock of the intro, I tried watching the cartoon, but in Japanese it just wasn’t the same. Optimus Prime (Convoy in Japan) would get randomly angry for no apparent reason. Megatron (Megatoron in Japan) just didn’t have the same evil flair. Without the vocal talents of Chris Latta, Starscream (Sutaasukuriimu in Japan) was just an annoying little bitch. Jazz (Meister in Japan) didn’t rhyme. And Soundwave (Saundowaabu in Japan*), arguably the coolest voice in classic American cartoons, just ended up sounding retarded. It wasn’t the same.
*Why the fuck do people do this on Wikipedia? You think I give a shit what the fuck their names are in Japan? It’s an American product (for once)! You say “Convoy” or “Sutaasukuriimu” to me, and I swear to God I will punch you in the face.
So, I was concerned about the movie. I’d come this far–was it all for naught? All I could do was sit and wait.
And it turned out I was going to be waiting for quite some time. You see, Japan can’t just do something–no, they have to overload it with unnecessary fluff and talking and presentations until you just don’t want to live anymore. This was no exception. You see, Transformers in Japan is “Toransufoomaa.” I’m not saying this to be a WikiPrick, let me explain. “Tora” is Japanese for tiger. This being Osaka, there is an inordinate amount of love for the local baseball team, the Hanshin Tigers. Like, I’m sure families would without hesitation sacrifice children if it meant the Tigers would win the baseball championship. So some genius, in his infinite wisdom, decided to hold a “Tora”nsufoomu” contest where ordinary Japanese people transform into extraordinary Hanshin Tigers fans.
Yeah, I kind of wanted to throw up a little too.
I was pleased to see the other Japanese moviegoers are unimpressed as I was, as they played on their cell phones, read books, and pretended to be interested in the additional hall and movie pamphlets we’d gotten at the entrance. The “Tora”nsufoomaa portion mercifully ends, and finally, we get to the movie, right? Nope! The female MC continues to ramble on with more inane banter about the movie we *would* be watching if only she’d close her trap. “As you may know, the Transformers are an alien race of robots, come to our world to continue their war. There are two factions, the heroic Autobots, and the evil Decepticons. You may want to take note during the film that, while the Autobots bodies are quite colorful, the Decepticons are all a menacing monotone.” Oh my God, shut the fuck up!
After a lengthy discussion about Bumblebee’s favorite colors and Starscream’s abandonment issues as a child, she finally shuts the fuck up and gets off the stage, and the crowd gives her the biggest round of applause I’ve heard from the Japanese. Perhaps the acoustics of the hall were just really good? I think they were applauding because she finally shut up. I could have leapt down from the balcony, and started throttling her with a baseball bat–I’m sure this would have gotten a standing ovation.
Anyway, whatever fears I had about the audio track were quickly laid to rest as Peter Cullen’s Optimus Prime came booming through the sound system…I think I jizzed my pants a little. And I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m quite pleased to say that the movie did not suck. While it was not Shakespeare on film, it was most of everything I had hoped for from the movie, and pretty good as a summer action film. I think I can forgive Bay for Pearl Harbor and Armageddon.
Most importantly, I feel that a precious, long damaged part of my childhood has finally been salvaged. If I could, I’d like to build a time machine, go back to 1987, find the kid crying in his theater seat over seeing all his heroes dying undignified and meaningless deaths, put a hand on his shoulder, and tell him–“Don’t worry. In 20 years, they’ll get it right…Oh, and eight years from now, when Kristin in the school library asks you, ‘Do you want a girlfriend?’ for the love of GOD do NOT answer with, ‘Not really. Right now I’m just really looking forward to Mortal Kombat on Sega CD.’* You must trust me on this.”
*I am truly saddened and depressed to say that this is a true story.
So yeah, Wednesday was an awesome day. Transformers STILL isn’t out in Japan, but I’ve already seen it. For free! And they didn’t fark it up! I’m relieved to see that God can take a one day break from hating me. That, or he’s throwing me a bone now to make up for the massive pain he’s going to bring later. Only time will tell on that one.

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86 Responses

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  1. Woofcat said, on August 2, 2007 at 2:21 am

    I figured of all the places Japan would have been right on Transformers.
    I also enjoyed the movie in pre-release format and was able to feel superior to everyone for a good week.

  2. Moon Minamino said, on August 2, 2007 at 2:24 am

    So then was is subbed or dubbed?

  3. Tone said, on August 2, 2007 at 2:25 am

    You should see what the did to G.I JOE in France! G’head…look it up..if you dare.
    …Incidentally, I took soundwave’s sister out the other day…and I gotta tell ya, it now burns a little when I pee and this gaddam puma keeps jumping out of my crotch at the most inopportune times..
    Thanky..and remember to tip your waitresses..g’night!

  4. YnJ said, on August 2, 2007 at 2:26 am

    The newer TMNT theme isn’t half bad either. Not quite as classic, but definitely better than most of the crap out there these days.

    The intros to Beast Wars and Beast Machines were pretty good, too.
    I think my favorite one from my childhood, though, is the one from Sonic the Hedgehog:

    And you got to see Transformers! I’m jealous. I wish it was on video already, so A) I can see it and B) the idiot customers will stop coming in to bother me about it. (I work at Movie Gallery.) They come in an *INSIST* that it’s already out on video, or that it should be, and the fact that it isn’t is my fault. I swear, the next one that does that is going to have our damned possessed Hypercom shoved up their ass. *sigh*
    Still, it must be an awesome movie if it has the Az Seal of Approval. I can’t wait to see it! =D

  5. BrianfromNazareth said, on August 2, 2007 at 2:58 am

    It’s good to see that god took a day off :-). I live in country where everything foreign, but kids stuff is subtitled (there are changes coming, but we are fighting it) I couldn’t even think of Simpsons, for example, dubbed. As for Transformers, being backwater hillbilly I couldn’t watch them douring my childhood so the movie leaves me cold.

  6. Wayland said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:06 am

    Wow, I can’t believe more people haven’t already read this post and replied to say how awesome they thought the movie was. I surprised you didn’t like it more. I guess it helps that I only watched the cartoon a little when I was younger (born in ’87), plus I didn’t see the movies. I guess I got a little luckier than you on this one Az. The movie was freaking great. I hope you’ve seen “300”!!!
    (Az’s Note: Well, actually, I loved the movie. Going to go see it again this weekend.
    I just didn’t want to sound too much like a fanboy.)

  7. Matt said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:07 am

    I’m pretty sure the reason people do that on Wikipedia is because Transformers was a Japanese/American collaboration. That’s why Japan has anime Transformers series like Beast Wars 2. Look up the intros to that series if you feel masochistic at all.

  8. Misty said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:29 am

    Well, if it helps, I haven’t seen Transformers yet either. Movies are way expensive and I’ve been saving my money for Metroid Prime 3 (it better not be delayed AGAIN….)

  9. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:36 am

    wait, was kristin hot? because if she was ugly or fat, mortal kombat on sega cd would definitely be the better option.

  10. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:36 am

    wait, was kristin hot? because if she was ugly or fat, mortal kombat on sega cd would definitely be the better option.

  11. Gabe said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:48 am

    Thank you Az for posting the TMNT intro. It brang back memories that made me go into a fill half hour fanboy celibration of all things that were cool in my childhood.
    Needless to say, the girlfriend is now convinced that I need to see a shrink.

  12. Nutty Civil Engineer ..ing student said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:57 am

    There is a clip on Youtube with the various Transformer intro and outro scenes. Same theme song for each, but I didnt mind the repetition.

    ——
    – math is a language it self.

  13. Kyle E said, on August 2, 2007 at 5:10 am

    Yea, they did a good job on that movie. The people who didn’t watch the show much as kids didn’t really like it I’ve found. Amazing job with the robot personalities though. I didn’t get to see it till the other day cus I was in Japan when it came out.

  14. CF said, on August 2, 2007 at 5:52 am

    Posted by: Wayland at August 2, 2007 03:06 AM
    >I can’t believe more people haven’t already read this post and replied to say how awesome they thought the movie was.
    That’s because, at least from this chair, it
    doesn’t quite rate an “awesome”.
    Make no mistake — the ‘bots were pretty-much
    seamless; if it weren’t for the knowledge that
    they don’t actually exist, one would be hard-
    pressed to say “That’s CGI”.
    No, what precludes this flick from the Plateau Of
    Awesomeness is, ironically, the Human Element.
    Or rather, the Lack Thereof. Simply put, Michael
    Bay’s great failing as a film-maker is that THE
    MAN HAS NOT THE SLIGHTEST GRASP OF WHAT MAKES
    CHARACTERS INTERESTING. The male lead? Annoying.
    His father? Even more annoying. The female lead?
    There was one? The only vaguely interesting human
    in the flick was the Secretary of Defense, and
    that only because he actually got to shoot things.
    (Most annoyingly: Due to PG-13 strictures, the
    male lead can only express himself by saying “no”
    repeatedly, instead of using the sort of language
    deployed to such devastating effect by this
    weblog’s writer. 🙂 )
    Not only do the humans get overshadowed by the
    robots literally, they get overshadowed
    figuratively.
    Next movie: Ignore the humans altogether; just
    show off the ‘bots.
    Except for Optimus Prime — I mean how cool can he
    be if he can be taken out by a hole in his side?
    🙂

  15. Paul said, on August 2, 2007 at 6:01 am

    So can we get a story on how you almost had a girlfriend? “Not really. Right now I’m just really looking forward to Mortal Kombat on Sega CD.”…. that almost killed me.

  16. Cerebomb said, on August 2, 2007 at 7:53 am

    “Contrary to the popular belief of all the Professional Internet Movie Psychics out there, apparently the movie did not suck steaming piles of donkey shit.”
    Oh, but it did. I’m actually more amazed that people who *WERE* huge fans of the G1 cartoon don’t hate this movie as much as I do. The first 10 mins and last half hour or so were highly entertaining. The 90 minute GMC/Ebay/Nokia/Summer’s Eve commercial between them, not so much.

  17. JH from Finland said, on August 2, 2007 at 7:58 am

    Man, I didn’t remember the TMNT theme song was that bad. And man am I glad TF never aired here; That shit would’ve scarred me for life. I’m not exactly partial to the Japanese version, either, but at least the musicians they used aren’t completely stone-deaf.
    I mean, Jesus K, I hope that guitarist was taken behind the shed and put out of his misery after the recording. Nobody can produce sounds like that unless they have a very intimate relationship with intense pain, so it would’ve been the only humane thing to do.

  18. raye said, on August 2, 2007 at 8:06 am

    Haha your post was sooo funny, made my day! I haven’t seen transformers yet,but i barely remember transformers seeing I was born in 86′ and would have rather watched Sailormoon reruns vs Transformers reruns. Hopefully its as good as you said!

  19. Gordon said, on August 2, 2007 at 9:40 am

    Welcome back Az. I saw the movie last week and thought it was really damn entertaining, even if, or maybe even because it was incredibly dumb at the same time. It works >_>

  20. Ashraam said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:19 am

    “Do you want a girlfriend?”…”Not really. Right now I’m just really looking forward to Mortal Kombat on Sega CD.”
    Az, I think you’ve just revealed why God hates you so much. As they say, “God helps those who help themselves.” The big guy tried to throw you a bone one time and look what you did with it! No wonder he constantly torments you with those kinds of situations now. 😉

  21. Blaz said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:31 am

    *sighs* Slovenia gets Transformers only on the 17th of August….

  22. Saint Ebony said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:44 am

    …”Vapour trail”? Az, you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t. That poor woman.

  23. code monkey said, on August 2, 2007 at 11:37 am

    When will god take a break for me?!? Anyway, the Transformers movie was awesome! Sure it wasn’t Oscar material but it was a good action movie. I’m planning to buy a used car soon…I hope it turns out to be an alien robot 😀

  24. Defectron said, on August 2, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    It all makes sense now! Convoy, that completely explains this picture

    Yeah it’s a female anthro version of godzilla cosplaying as optimus for some reason. I always wondered why the hell it was called Gina convoy.

  25. Captain Canada said, on August 2, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Really? Not a fan of Armageddon? I love Armageddon.

  26. Travis said, on August 2, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Shia Lebouf was the worst part of the movie, I thought. Er, there’s.. some random shit for you I guess. I didn’t mind the Autobots or Decepticons or the fact that it was something of a 2 1/2 hour General Motors commercial, but I wanted to stab Shia in the eyes.

  27. Colin said, on August 2, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    I’ve almost stopped talking to a friend of mine because of how much he hated Transformers. I walked out of the movie wanting about two more hours just composed of fight scenes between giant battle robots, but aside from that, it was both wonderfully cheesy and wonderful in general.
    The one thing that bothered me was the lack of Chris Latta as Starscream. I mean…come on, now. How can you not get the most iconic cartoon voice of all time for the movie itself, especially if you’ve already got Peter Cullen (thank God for this, btw)?
    (Az’s Note: Well, Chris Latta is dead…)

  28. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm

    I haven’t seen the movie yet. However i did throw my inner child a bone and get one of the new toys based on the movie. See i used to own one transformer who turned into a tank and i got rid of him along with all my other toys when i was about 15. So i got this green monstrosity named Brawl. It took me 2 days to figure out how to transform this guy without instructions but he looks like a badass.

  29. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm

    I haven’t seen the movie yet. However i did throw my inner child a bone and get one of the new toys based on the movie. See i used to own one transformer who turned into a tank and i got rid of him along with all my other toys when i was about 15. So i got this green monstrosity named Brawl. It took me 2 days to figure out how to transform this guy without instructions but he looks like a badass.

  30. GringoDownSouth said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    You know what the movie was lacking? More WAH-WER-WE-AH sounds as they transform. And for Optimus Prime to stop being such a wimp.
    Don’t feel bad about having to wait till the movie arrives in Japan, here in Ecuador EVERYTHING takes at least a month to arrive.

  31. Gomez said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:15 pm

    “…I think I jizzed my pants a little. And I’m not afraid to admit that.” A more honest statement you could not make…
    Good to see that precious moment of your childhood was finally reclaimed. I gotta say that Japanese Transformer intro kinda hurt, like a the piece of my soul that died when Prime did in the original Transformers Movie came back as some kind of zombie and ate more of my soul before Ash Williams ripped it appart with his chainsaw hand…
    Well anyway good to see you enjoyed the movie and that you got cut a break, but then again the whole thing kinda seemed to even out since you had to sit through all that Hanshin Tigers B/S and someone talking about it. Aw who am I kidding you came out on top this time.

  32. Damocles said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:25 pm

    Haha, I was wondering when you were going to write an editorial about this movie. As soon as I saw it I thought of you. Doesn’t Bumblebee look cooler as a Camaro?

  33. Kohaku said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    i hate u because i have to wait til Saturday….
    correction, I LOATHE you, because i MUST wait til Saturday to see it on the big screen
    on a positive note….i will see it twice on saturday for a reduced price (i have connections!) ha ha….and yes…at least now….i can get over crying in the theater as a child….might have been the last time i cried too…..

  34. HiEv said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    You might not like this take on the movie then:
    http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=241

  35. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:54 pm

    damn Az this one had me laughing my teeth out, my co-workers asked wtf and i explained your blog… they didnt get it. 😀
    either way that’s awesome man, keep em comin!
    heavily synthesized crap mewzak FTW!

  36. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 4:54 pm

    damn Az this one had me laughing my teeth out, my co-workers asked wtf and i explained your blog… they didnt get it. 😀
    either way that’s awesome man, keep em comin!
    heavily synthesized crap mewzak FTW!

  37. Esuko said, on August 2, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    …P.I.M.P.?

  38. rubbav1 said, on August 2, 2007 at 7:19 pm

    Bay is beyond my forgiveness. He thinks he is too go for green screens.
    And I also figured out that if you like the cartoon then you will like the you’ll like the live action movie. But if you didn’t you’ll love the first movie. I love the first movie let the Prime die

  39. Ricardo tha 1st said, on August 2, 2007 at 7:35 pm

    Hey man,
    Nice blog!! Haha, even if I saw you on the train I wouldn’t judge what you were listening to man! fo’real!
    Transformers came out a while back..can’t beleive it’s not even out yet 😛

  40. DunnDeegan said, on August 2, 2007 at 9:14 pm

    The UNR? lol. These articles are getting awesome again!
    I find the best policy for dealing with Koreans when you absolutely need something, i.e. watching a transformers movie, getting your mountain bike on the subway, etc…is to just pretend you cannot understand their language (or body language) and continuosly thank them and continue moving in the direction your going. I think you could pull this off in Japan as well. Maybe not for bikes on the subway though, I hear they’re pretty packed.
    PS: I can’t even remember how long ago I saw the Transformers movie in Korea…Next time something as holy as the transformers comes out in Korea before Japan, maybe I’ll let you know so you can make a trip over to witness it.
    Although, the funny thing is Korea hasn’t been selling the Nintendo DS up until maybe a couple months ago. It’s funny watching them play Mario Kart on the subway knowing how old it is, and knowing I would own them. Also, no one has any clue whatsoever as to what an Xbox is. Maybe the Xbox thing is the same for Japan though.

  41. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    I saw the transformers and it seemed pretty good… although judging from G1’s treatment, this is one of the few times I’m glad to have missed out on G1 and was raised a Beast Wars kid (Optimus’ death has nothing on Dinobot).
    …What can I say, Starscream was awesome enough to be featured in a spin off show even. (Episode: Possession). Now if only this Soundwave made it into that beastly battle…

  42. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    I saw the transformers and it seemed pretty good… although judging from G1’s treatment, this is one of the few times I’m glad to have missed out on G1 and was raised a Beast Wars kid (Optimus’ death has nothing on Dinobot).
    …What can I say, Starscream was awesome enough to be featured in a spin off show even. (Episode: Possession). Now if only this Soundwave made it into that beastly battle…

  43. Defectron said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:29 pm

    >>http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=241
    I liked the movie and I thought that comic strip was damn funny. Just check out the look on bumblebees face there! For those who think the movie disgraced transformers, I have one thing to say.
    Nothing can disgrace transformers more then all the remade series that came after the original cartoon, especially Transformers armada, the only cartoons I can think of that were worse then Armada were Hamtaro and Totally spies which I think says alot.

  44. Aaron said, on August 2, 2007 at 10:56 pm

    Az…
    You had me laughing my ASS off! As did your OP9 Editorial on the most harrowing moment of Transformers history. I remember watching that when I was a kid, and I remember when Optimus died. That was just…foreign to me. I think I even stopped watching TF after that. The Rodimus cracks had me in stitches.
    And you’re so right. Optimus OWNED! I mean, c’mon, it sounded monumentally cool when he just said his name. “I am Optimus Prime.” Didn’t they have some kinda song for the movie that had him saying that repeatedly throughout it? OP is one of the original badasses.
    And I, again, agree about the coolness of 90s intro theme songs. But they did a good job with 80s, too. I mean, the Thundercats intro STILL sends chills up my spine. Did you ever watch King Arthur and the Knights of Justice. That intro, and the show, ROCKED!
    I loved the movie, I don’t care what anyone else says. And Az, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a fanboy. It just shows we actually give a damn about something.
    You rock, Az. Keep the laughs coming.

  45. Patrick said, on August 2, 2007 at 11:50 pm

    I saw it the day before it’s American release. I agree that it’s a good movie. It’s not perfect, but it’s a damn sight better than I thought it would be.

  46. Rashaun said, on August 3, 2007 at 12:48 am

    “Q: What’s scarier than a big, angry, rampaging black man?
    A: Not a whole lot. Lions, maybe.”
    No, the answer is an angry rampaging black woman.
    I saw Transformers on July 3, and it was great. The only things I hate about the movie was assholish product placement and the crap ass Goo Goo Dols songs in it.

  47. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 1:09 am

    MIIIIIIIIISTERIOUS MIIIIIIIND
    *in tears* I don’t even want to know what Prime or Starscream sound like…

  48. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 1:09 am

    MIIIIIIIIISTERIOUS MIIIIIIIND
    *in tears* I don’t even want to know what Prime or Starscream sound like…

  49. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 2:17 am

    Hey…the Japanese version of the T1 gen song wasn’t so bad. That’s if you didn’t understand a single word they said, didn’t mind the bad engrish phrases and most of all, did not grow up watching the old American theme song. Other than that, it’s a pure old 80’s hyped up beat. I like the it.
    On a side-note, I am amazed that you liked it. My bro was a T1 lover, even though he didn’t grow up watching T1 (but he grew up with the Beast Wars series). He said it sucked and most T1 lovers I know said the same. I guess all the action and original voice of Prime is what won you over. I have to wonder…if they took out Prime’s voice, would you have still like it? Please don’t use a cop-out answer like “I would have liked it less.”

  50. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 2:17 am

    Hey…the Japanese version of the T1 gen song wasn’t so bad. That’s if you didn’t understand a single word they said, didn’t mind the bad engrish phrases and most of all, did not grow up watching the old American theme song. Other than that, it’s a pure old 80’s hyped up beat. I like the it.
    On a side-note, I am amazed that you liked it. My bro was a T1 lover, even though he didn’t grow up watching T1 (but he grew up with the Beast Wars series). He said it sucked and most T1 lovers I know said the same. I guess all the action and original voice of Prime is what won you over. I have to wonder…if they took out Prime’s voice, would you have still like it? Please don’t use a cop-out answer like “I would have liked it less.”

  51. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 2:36 am

    Geez, I cant wait to see it. And after I do, Im gonna watch the first one with its cheesy song.
    YOU GOT THE TOUCH! YOU GOT THE POWEEEEEEEEEEEEER! YEAH!

  52. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 2:36 am

    Geez, I cant wait to see it. And after I do, Im gonna watch the first one with its cheesy song.
    YOU GOT THE TOUCH! YOU GOT THE POWEEEEEEEEEEEEER! YEAH!

  53. Azrael said, on August 3, 2007 at 2:48 am

    A big reason why I didn’t go into more detail about the movie is because I didn’t want the comments to turn into movie debate. I will just say this.
    I think this is a movie where you can actively decide if you want to hate it or love it.
    It is far from perfect. Yes, the human portions could get long and tedious (were the hackers even necessary?). What I wanted from the movie was cool looking robots and a lot of action, and I got that. There were also plenty of nice little G1 references to make me smile, and I liked the humor enough to actually make me laugh (the scene at Sam’s house was hilarious to me).
    Us TF fans can sit down and watch an all-CG movie featuring just robots, but a lot of the general audience wouldn’t really go for that. Plus, include the humans, include the military. Get the chance to use real vehicles and actually blow shit up, instead of just watching two CG robots slug it out. I appreciate that the movie included as much live action as it did CGI.
    Like I said, it’s not Shakespeare, but I was never expecting that anyway.

  54. Rob said, on August 3, 2007 at 3:03 am

    I’ve been driving my Camaro with a MP3 of that song they play in the background of that flash video of Soundwave breakdancing ever since I watched the movie. It’s got some beastly old school techno bump when played by a 1000 watt RMS system.

  55. Gennai said, on August 3, 2007 at 3:12 am

    “…Oh, and 8 years from now, when Kristin in the school library asks you “Do you want a girlfriend?”, for the love of GOD do NOT answer with “Not really. Right now I’m just really looking forward to Mortal Kombat on Sega CD.’* You must trust me on this.'”

    Sadly, I can relate to you on this. I wish I got it right the first time.

  56. Jeanne said, on August 3, 2007 at 9:57 am

    I was surprised about how horrible the Japanese dubs were as well. When I went to Japan for study abroad (this passed May,) I tried to watch Pirates of the Caribbean in Japanese. OH THE HORROR.
    Japanese Johnny Depp? DO NOT WANT.

  57. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    I believe 90% of Johnny’s lines wouldn’t even translate into Japanese. Why does everyone cream over their language? Its such a mess.

  58. Anonymous said, on August 3, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    I believe 90% of Johnny’s lines wouldn’t even translate into Japanese. Why does everyone cream over their language? Its such a mess.

  59. shinraunit said, on August 3, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    I can relate. I gave up my first girlfriend oppurtunity for Red Alert.

  60. Neil said, on August 3, 2007 at 8:38 pm

    “1. Hand them the pass, and if they questioned me, get really angry and tell them that that’s actually my name. Of course, it isn’t my name, and I can’t prove that for a second, but I’m hoping that the sight of a black man getting ready to unleash his Unbridled Negro Rage (UNR) would Gaijin Smash the Japanese into submission.
    Q: What’s scarier than a big, angry, rampaging black man?
    A: Not a whole lot. Lions, maybe.”
    At this point, I was unable to move due to laughter.

  61. Bahamut Dragons said, on August 4, 2007 at 9:51 am

    I don’t understand why people love the Transformers movie so much. Between stupid dialogues, random set-ups for bad jokes (S7 man, transformers hiding near the house), pointless human characters… I thought it was a terrible movie and hope they don’t make another one if that’s the only level of quality they are willing to provide.
    Having Transformers in a movie called Transformers doesn’t make it good. The movie also needs to be about them, not some random teenager which we’ve seen a zillion times

  62. Kyle E said, on August 4, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    I actually had to do a small survey when I was in Japan and I asked all college students. Not one person liked dubs. Everyone preferred subs.

  63. Jenny said, on August 4, 2007 at 1:42 pm

    Awesome movie. When my husband and I left the theatre i turned to thim and said, “I wonder if they have it in Japan yet?” He gave me an odd look, so in an attempt to explain I said, “I just want Az to see it, maybe it will give him his childhood back after it was so cruelly ripped away all those years ago.” By now he was giving me an oh shit, she has trul lost her mind look. C’est la vie. I will admit the tears had welled up in my throat towards the end, as I was waiting for Optimus to bite it. Yet now, I can say, I have finally recovered and the world is back in balance.

  64. Anonymous said, on August 4, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    “Not really. Right now I’m just looking forward to Mortal Kombat on Sega CD.”
    Best pickup line ever.

  65. Anonymous said, on August 4, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    “Not really. Right now I’m just looking forward to Mortal Kombat on Sega CD.”
    Best pickup line ever.

  66. Ivan the Terrible said, on August 4, 2007 at 5:50 pm

    When I was a kid, I used to jump up and down on my bed shrieking the TMNT intro at the top of my lungs whenever the show came on.
    Looking back, I’m surprised my parents didn’t strangle me. Present-day me certainly would have, in their position.

  67. Anonymous said, on August 4, 2007 at 6:45 pm

    So you actually enjoyed watching the two humans make
    out on top of Bumblebee, like he was their Autobot slave? Or the way that Megatron was CHUCKING A SPEAR, of all things, back on Cybertron? And how did these GIANT ROBOTS destroy their own planet, when they can’t even wipe out a bunch of lousy humans? And lets not forget the blatant propaganda
    “humans are free to choose” crap.

  68. Anonymous said, on August 4, 2007 at 6:45 pm

    So you actually enjoyed watching the two humans make
    out on top of Bumblebee, like he was their Autobot slave? Or the way that Megatron was CHUCKING A SPEAR, of all things, back on Cybertron? And how did these GIANT ROBOTS destroy their own planet, when they can’t even wipe out a bunch of lousy humans? And lets not forget the blatant propaganda
    “humans are free to choose” crap.

  69. Anonymous said, on August 4, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    Oddly enough, I loved the animated Transformers movie. A show about war and conflict that doesn’t show the consequences never seemed right to me. Similarly, I liked the A-Team as well, but it never made sense how someone could shoot a jeep 50 times and have it roll over twice and the bad guy would crawl out from under it slightly dazed. Another show I liked is Exosquad. They often addressed death and the horrors of war. several main characters died or had family and friends killed in the fighting.

  70. Anonymous said, on August 4, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    Oddly enough, I loved the animated Transformers movie. A show about war and conflict that doesn’t show the consequences never seemed right to me. Similarly, I liked the A-Team as well, but it never made sense how someone could shoot a jeep 50 times and have it roll over twice and the bad guy would crawl out from under it slightly dazed. Another show I liked is Exosquad. They often addressed death and the horrors of war. several main characters died or had family and friends killed in the fighting.

  71. Spoon said, on August 6, 2007 at 5:39 am

    To bad you saw Bayformers and not Transformers. I’m still waiting for a transformers movie. One where the transformers will actually be the main stars of the movie with a personality and stuff. Not just side guest characters there for cgi effects and explosions.
    Also, one where they Won’t look like total scrapyards glued together with poop.

  72. Kittu said, on August 6, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    I think the reason I enjoyed the movie was the great shock at hearing the “real” voice of Optimus Prime and all the big explosions that sent the theater rocking. 🙂

  73. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2007 at 2:43 am

    You’ll enjoy this video bout The Rebirth Of Optimus Prime. It’s A Parody, but man is it hilarious!

  74. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2007 at 2:43 am

    You’ll enjoy this video bout The Rebirth Of Optimus Prime. It’s A Parody, but man is it hilarious!


  75. Puma said, on August 7, 2007 at 4:31 am

    Did you watch the same movie I did, Az?
    The “Transformers” parts of the movie were great… but that was only about 1/3 of the life I wasted watching this pile.
    You certainly could have written a better script than this garbage.

  76. Kohaku said, on August 7, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Ok, I no longer loathe you…mainly because I went to see the movie on Saturday, with one of my Japanese friends who was enthralled that I new every Transformers name, any changes to vehicles, and did orgasam when I heard the REAL voice of Optimus Prime. You are not alone there. Anyway, have fun, I must now return to my ps3….

  77. chaosrainz said, on August 7, 2007 at 4:57 pm

    Please God don’t let there be a Japanese version of this intro:

  78. Creston said, on August 8, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    It got a little dusty in my theater when I first heard Peter Cullen’s voice ringing through the speakers…
    And the chick. Oh my God, the chick! I think my buddy had a heart attack when she was standing there, bent over, checking out Bumblebee’s engine. He made sort of a “Gnerrrkkk!!!” sound, twitched and didn’t move again for the whole movie. Sensory overload, most likely.

  79. eh said, on August 8, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    wow i thought transformers were just toys until i heard about the movie. didn’t know it affected people so much.

  80. WA®G said, on August 17, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    I have been laughing at your stuff for over two years now, and it NEVER gets old.
    I’m sure glad that you got a little break and a transformers one at that!
    My first exposure to anime.. err about a decade ago was the dubbed kind and i never quite realized how badly they’d fucked with the show>>Rurouni Kenshin>>re-titled SamuraiX.. and yea.. thanks for the TNMT theme.. memories!
    ..

  81. Anonymous said, on September 2, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    You’ll probably be happy to hear, it was released later in the UK as well, as usual. I hate how they advertise one release date and then go “oh, and screw you guys, you wait another month where everyone posts spoilers and crap”

  82. Anonymous said, on September 2, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    You’ll probably be happy to hear, it was released later in the UK as well, as usual. I hate how they advertise one release date and then go “oh, and screw you guys, you wait another month where everyone posts spoilers and crap”

  83. G said, on September 6, 2007 at 6:47 pm

    hey, you did get to see the transformers movie, right? did you like it?
    just for fun today, i watched the old cartoon movie, ya know with orson welles and leonard nimoy… it kicks ass.

  84. Ceri Cat said, on September 28, 2007 at 5:15 am

    I was vomitting uncontrollably at Transformers the movie, I was actually incredibly depressed by it. And I grew up on G1, sorry certain aspects of this LA movie just really made me want to curl up and die quietly. I thought maybe fans of the later Transformers shows would like it more, but guessing from some of the comments here and elsewhere they were just as upset. And I’ve been avoiding Transformers since Beast Wars.

  85. Marc said, on September 9, 2008 at 8:40 am

    Armageddon will not be forgiven.

  86. greatwolf08 said, on May 17, 2009 at 2:20 am

    hey in case u have heard out there, theres a second Transformers movie coming out this summer and its looking to be even better.
    Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
    (so u know the name 😀 )


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