Gaijin Smash

6 Circles of Hell Part II

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on July 12, 2007

Unwanted discharge of bodily fluids wasn’t the only thing that made the Starfish so miserable. This particular ride had three safety features that were just downright annoying.
1. Height requirement
2. Horizontal bar restraint
3. Each seat had to have exactly two riders
The height requirement usually just meant turning away kids who were a few millimeters short. In addition to the sign at the front of the line, we operators also had a big stick, with a band of black tape on it. If we doubted a kid, we’d have them stand up straight next to the stick–if their head didn’t come up to the tape, too bad, too sad. Go have four of your closest friends pull on each of your limbs and come back tomorrow.
The ride had the height requirement rule because any kid who was below that height would probably be too small for the restraints to actually restrain them. They’d come flying out of the ride and be seriously injured or dead. Six Flags was very unforgiving about this rule. Even if the kid was a hair short, we couldn’t let them ride. Theoretically they’d be fine, but then in the event that something did happen, Six Flags would be 100% liable. To help motivate us to properly enforce this rule, the managers told us that Six Flags would have no reservations whatsoever about having us pay for part of the resulting lawsuit, and if you’re poor enough to be working at Six Flags, you CERTAINLY don’t have enough money to take on a lawsuit.
And then, there was also the issue of, y’know, not killing kids. Amazingly enough though, this didn’t actually seem to matter to one mother.
While advancing the line one day, I spotted a woman carrying a small little girl, no older than five or six. I knew just by looking at her that she was way too small for the ride. Despite that, when the mother got up to the front of the line, I asked her to put the girl down so I could measure her. Not even half the requirement. I tried to tell this to the mother, but then an interesting thing happened.
(I’d like to note beforehand that, unbelievable as this is, it *actually did happen.*)
Me: I’m sorry Ma’am, but she’s not tall enough to ride. I can’t let her on.
Mother: Aw, but she’s been wanting to ride this all day!
Me: That may be, but she’s just not tall enough to ride.
Mother: C’mon, please? She really wants to ride.
Me: This is a safety issue, Ma’am. She’s not nearly big enough for the restraints to effectively hold her in place. We cannot guarantee her safety on this ride–in fact, it would be quite dangerous. I don’t know your daughter, but I like her enough to not want to kill her.
Mother: Aw, c’mon. Please? I’ll hold onto her real tight.
Me: (Astounded, I point to the area around the ride.) Do you see those cups and bags and souvenirs and what not? People were holding onto those real tight too.
Mother: (Now getting angry.) Fine. I want to talk to your manager.
Me: All righty then.
(I call the manager, who comes out after about 10 minutes or so. Upon arriving, he can obviously see that the girl is too small, but he takes the height stick and measures her anyway.)
Mother: This jerk (referring to me) won’t let my daughter on the ride!
Manager: Good. If he had, I would have fired him. Your daughter does not meet our safety requirements.
Mother: But, she really wants to ride!
Manager: I’m sorry Ma’am, but that would be highly, terribly unsafe. We just can’t allow it.
Mother: I’m her mother! I’m the one responsible for her safety, not you!
Manager: Yeah, well, you’re not doing a very good job of it.
The woman, absolutely furious at us, leaves in a huff. The manager looks back at me, and although he doesn’t say anything, the look on his face says it all–“Was that woman pissed off at us because we wouldn’t let her kill her kid?” I’d like to think that she knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted a pay-out. Get Rich Quick Scheme #26:
1. Crap out a kid.
2. Wait a few years.
3. Take the kid to an amusement park.
4. Convince the ride operator to let the kid on a ride despite the kid being far too small for the restraints.
5. Collect large payout from the park over the death of the kid.
That’s gotta be it. I mean, the only other option is horrible, inconceivable stupidity–the desire to have your kid go on a ride that’s not even that exciting, when the likelihood that she’ll come flying out like a Pop Tart, crack her head open, and DIE, is somehow greater than the notion that, hey, this might not be a good idea. I despair for humanity.


Speaking of the restraints, they were nothing fancy. Just a horizontal bar that extended from the center of the ride, that lowered down over the rider’s lap. So yeah, zero protection for small kids and anorexic supermodels. The nature of the restraint also made the reverse a problem–getting it to lock for big folks. The genius who designed this ride only left maybe 30-40cm of space between the back of the seat, and where the restraint would come down. Now, if this were a perfect world of shapely beautiful people, or even an Asian country, this would be no problem. But no, we’re talking about good ‘ol America. Land of the Big Mac, Home of the Whopper. We pledge allegiance to the Big Gulp–one nation, under hot dogs, with cheese-covered garlic fries and caramel-topped cheesecake for all. There were some guests for whom getting that restraint down to the lock position was nothing short of an epic Spartan battle. Usually, I could ask them to inhale/suck it in, and give the bar a mighty shove, and somehow, it would lock.
However, one day, as I was circling around the ride to check the restraints, I saw two very large ladies, sitting next to each other. Have you ever had a moment in your life, where you just looked at something, and you knew your shit was fucked up? Like you’re taking the SAT’s, and they plop the test down in front of you, and as the pages rustle in the fall you see a bunch of words that you aren’t even sure are in English? Or, when you were a kid, you come home three hours late and completely covered in mud, and Mom’s standing there in the doorway ominously holding a frying pan with that look on her face? Or like you’re Superman, and you’re surrounded by Doomsday, Darkseid, Wonder Woman’s pissed that you didn’t call her back like you said you would, and Lex Luther is there holding a chunk of kryptonite the size of Texas? Yeah, that feeling.
The restraint locks at a 0 degree position, parallel to the ground. The restraint here was sticking up at a 45 degree angle. Fuck!
I push down on the restraint. I get it down to maybe 35 degrees. I ask the ladies to suck it in and inhale. 30. They also start to pull on it. 25. I ask them to *really* suck it in. 15. I pop a can of spinach and fight to da finnish. 10. In a move unprecedented for the Starfish, I jump up on top of the ride, and put ALL of my weight on the restraint from above. 5. Goddammit, what more must I do?! I suppose it would have been easier to ask them to just not ride…but I really didn’t want to do that. They were nice too, so if there was any way possible to get that restraint down, I was going to do it. I guess God or Buddha or Jenny Craig or someone gave us some divine intervention, because I somehow got the restraint to lock at 3 degrees. I got off the top of the ride feeling like Evander Holyfield after a fight with post-insanity Mike Tyson–I won, but I’m never going to be the same again.
Despite my heroic efforts, one of the ladies expresses some concern about the situation.
Lady: Are you sure it’s locked?
Me: (double-checks) It did lock, Ma’am. It’ll stay.
Lady: You’re sure it’s not going to pop open in the middle of the ride?
Me: Let me put it this way. Before that happens, this chunk of land we now stand on would separate from the Earth, begin to orbit the sun making its own planet called Starfish. I would be the ruler of Starfish, and I would be as fair and just as possible, at least until I got corrupt and drunk off my own power.
Lady: (laughs) Okay, okay. But how are we supposed to get out of this thing?
Me: Uh. You know, let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.
Another restraint-related incident–one day as I was herding people into the ride, these two thugged-out junior high schoolers came through the line. I say thugged-out, and I suppose had this been South Central LA that might have some merit to it, but since this is the Valley I’m talking about, they were about as hardcore as Vanilla Ice. I could only think about how the grand total of the carefully sideways-tilted baseball hat, the oversized basketball jerseys, and the shiny new Nike shoes, were collectively probably more expensive than my entire salary for the whole damned week. As they pass through the gates, one of the boys notes my high school class ring. “That’s a nice ring you got there,” he says. I say a courtesy thank you.
Later, I circle around the ride to check the restraints. As I do this, I like to hold the height stick. It’s a very big stick, and holding it makes me feel a lot like Darth Maul. I’m NOT the Star Wars kid. But it does help to keep potential unruly guests in check. Because the only thing more intimidating than a large black man, is a large black man with a big wooden stick. Anyway, to check the restraints, I grab it and give it a firm tug upwards–if it’s locked, it doesn’t move, if it hasn’t locked, it does. I get to Kriss and Kross, and as I grab their restraint, one of them grabs my arm, and the other begins to try and take the ring right off my finger!
I’m sure many of you have already picked up on it, but for those who haven’t, allow me to explain why this was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever encountered in my life (aside from the mom who nearly got her daughter killed–that’s just special.)
1. I’d seen these boys more than enough to provide an adequate description to the police, authorities, child services, or Fred and the Mystery Machine gang.
2. They were restrained in the ride already. Even if they had gotten the ring, they weren’t going anywhere.
3. I was carrying a very big stick.
Sometimes, you want to give someone credit for doing something stupid yet ballsy…but then sometimes, the act is just so retarded, so ass-backwards, that you can only shake your head and be ashamed to be human. Like, if a guy were to try and rob a police station with a loaded banana. Or, a guy who’d throw away a management job and give up everything he owns to “invent” a game where people slap a ball across a table.
As I mentioned in the beginning of the editorial (a long, long time ago), one of the unique features of the Starfish that made it suck so much is that there had to be exactly two people in every seat. This was another safety feature–a single rider would end up sliding around in the seat and getting their ribs bruised up pretty badly. This sucked because people didn’t always come to amusement parks in even numbered groups, which meant we often had single riders. The first solution would be to have the single riders pair up with each other, and then fill out the remaining seats with pairs still in line. If that didn’t work, we could pick other single riders out of the line to pair up with the single riders already on the ride. Sounds simple, right? Ha! Know you nothing of mankind’s foolishness?
Amazingly enough, the kids were never a problem. We ask them to move, and they moved without hesitation or complaint. And they were more than happy to be able to jump ahead in the line by becoming a single rider. It was the adults who were the pain in the ass. They just refused to move. We’d tell them that they couldn’t sit by themselves, and they’d sit defiantly in the seat and tell me to go find someone to sit with them. I’d circle the ride, find another adult single, ask him/her to move, and s/he would also say, “I’m not moving, go find someone to ride with me.” Once, I had a family of three (father, mother, son) sitting back to back, with the father riding solo. I addressed them both at the same time about the single rider policy. I asked one father to move, and left it up to them to decide. Neither man moved an inch. They were sitting back to back! Vindictive bastard that I am, I would have been perfectly content to let them sit there like idiots in the hot sun for however long it took–but that doesn’t really make my job any easier. I ended up having to grab two single riders from the line (both kids, not at all surprisingly) to come sit with these assmunches.
When I first took the job, I dreaded having to work with annoying little shit-kids all day long, but interestingly enough, the kids were never that much of a problem. It was the adults who were always the most difficult.
Anyway, in the middle of the day, when the park is busy, and there’s a long line, if we can’t pair people up on the ride then we can pick single riders from the line. However, later at night there’s less people, and sometimes no line at all. In those cases, the single rider thing becomes a real headache. Aside from the people who still refuse to move, sometimes you just end up with an odd number of riders.
In those cases, we the operators could serve as the second rider. Usually, no Six Flags employee is allowed to ride any ride while on-duty. However, for the Starfish, if we just couldn’t find another rider, and if there were at least two operators on the ride, then one of us could ride in order to accommodate the single rider. The train usually closed at dusk, which let the two people who had train duty that day come back to the area to help out with the Ferris wheel and The Fish.
One day, I was hanging out at The Fish after having closed the train for the day. These two girls came by, and they were absolute stunners. Long hair, beautiful faces, nice, big round tits, plump asses, they were indeed fine specimens of the female form. Now, since this job was causing my soul to wither away like a grape in the desert, I didn’t take notice of them at first. However, when they started giggling and smiling my way, I started to pay them great attention. It wasn’t the “OMG his fly is open and his junk is hanging out!” kind of bad laughing, but the “OMG, this man is so hot I just want to sit on his face” kind of good laughing. Despite being a college student at the time, I wasn’t having nearly the amount of college student sex I should have been. That is to say, I wasn’t having sex at all, and while that’s sad in any case, it’s triply extra-super sad for a young college male. With an opportunity this wonderful, I couldn’t just pass it up–the girls started to flirt with me, and I flirted back. Not professional, I know, but for my thoughts on that, please refer back to my use of the Starfish as an electric fan in Part I.
As I came around to check restraints, one of the girls had a question for me.
Girl: Hey, y’know, sometimes I see you guys riding the ride. Is that okay?
Me: Technically no, but for this ride, since there have to be two people in each seat, if we can’t find a partner for a rider then we’ll ride for them.
Girl: So, if someone doesn’t have a partner to ride with, you’ll ride with them?
Me: That’s right.
Girl: And that’s only if they don’t have a partner.
Me: Yep.
Girl: (turns to her friend) Get out. (turns to me) I don’t have a partner.
Me: Dayum. Goddayum.
A quick change later, and I’m on the Starfish with this hot girl who aggressively wants me. It looks like things are finally going to go my way, doesn’t it? Of course, in the ongoing sitcom that is my life, naturally there’s a twist. I’m talking with the girl, when she asks how old I am. At the time, I was 19 or 20, so that’s what I answered. At this response, the girl became disappointed. “Oh, I’m too young for you,” she says….C’mon, what’s too young? 18’s legal. 17 is almost 18. 16 will be 18 sooner or later. After a little prying, I finally get her to tell me her age. “I’m 14,” she says.
…Wha in the fuc…?
Trust me when I tell you that neither this girl or her friend looked anything remotely close to 14. They had the tits and ass of a well-built 20-something. This news was shocking to me, to say the absolute least. This immediately threw me into a weird area of moral ambiguity.
Me: Oh my God, she’s so hot and she wants me. But, she’s only 14!
Devil Az: C’mon man. It’s not that she’s “only” 14, she’s “already” 14.
Angel Az: Listen to your heart, you know it’s wrong.
Devil Az: Listen to me, and go get you some.
Angel Az: Listen to him, and you just might end up in prison.
Devil Az: It’d be worth it. Take a snapshot of her with you and explain that’s why you’re locked up, you’d be a fuckin’ prison hero.
Angel Az: If you don’t care about your freedom, then think of her. She’s not mature enough yet for these things.
Devil Az: The hell she isn’t! Look at her! You think God gave her them titties and that ass for, what, balance? Decoration? She’s in her prime.
Angel Az: This isn’t about “if there’s grass on the field, then play ball.”
Devil Az: Field? Field? This ain’t no fuckin’ field we’re talking about here. This is a pristine holy land–with gentle, supple peaks and warm, fertile valleys. The purest of lands, not yet soiled by human hands. Az, you owe it not only to yourself, but to every man who has ever existed, to do what man does best when it comes to finding pure, lush, undiscovered countries–go rape the shit out of it.
Az’s Penis: I agree with this guy wholeheartedly.
Me: Hey! WTF are you doing here? This isn’t the Body Parts bit.
Az’s Penis: I’m “guest starring” here to tell you that if you don’t capitalize on this, I will never forgive you. I will find ways to hurt you for this. I will pop the hardest of boners while you’re wearing thin silk pants. You bring the hottest woman home, and I will go on fuckin’ vacation. Comprende?
My moral struggle was ultimately decided for me. The girl decided I was “too old” for her and left with her friend. How the fuck does that work? Don’t women LOVE older men anyway? And since when is 19 or 20 “too old”? Perhaps now you have a better appreciation of just how sitcom-like my life is. And why can’t I get any free sex thrown my way from anyone that’s over 18? Real funny, God. I’m laughing real hard over here. You see these tears? Yeah, these are funny tears.
And while I’m thinking about it, what the fuck is up with the 14 year-olds of this generation? They’re parading around with D-cups and wearing thongs and shit. It certainly wasn’t like this when I was a kid, no no no. The girls were flatter than us guys were, and they’d walk around in dirty potato sacks and shit. I remember back in the 7th grade, all of the guys had a crush on the *one* girl who’d actually developed tits. The *one.* And she was a B-cup at best! What’s going on with these oversexed 14 year-olds who look like 20 year-olds? And why couldn’t this have happened in my generation?! Seriously, all of us who grew up in the 80s/90s have been royally SCREWED. It’s like, I read about all the free love in the 60s and 70s, and you look now in the 00s, and you’ve got girls who are overdeveloped and trying to out-sex each other…and what the fuck did the 80s/90s give us? A gas shortage? Hot pink? Rainbow Brite? MC Hammer? The Macarena? FUCK this bullshit. I haven’t seen a screwjob this offensive since Bret Hart in Montreal.
Ahem. Sorry. I just had to get that out of my system. I’m better now. Well, not really.
Anyway, yeah, Six Flags. I *still* haven’t covered all the ways that this job sucks. Which means that next week, it’s Part III a go go!
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it, I guess.

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87 Responses

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  1. Shinkada said, on July 12, 2007 at 2:54 am

    Oh man… That entire last section was ABSOLUTE gold… Though I can’t help but wonder how much of Japan’s rubbed off on you; think you still would’ve held out that long now? πŸ˜„
    But yeah, you’re right. The 80’s were a crappy time to be born in. Live in, sure, lots of good music, but I was too young to like them anyway, at the time.

  2. G said, on July 12, 2007 at 3:07 am

    az, you’re an absolute riot πŸ™‚ i used to live in kyoto and have been thoroughly enjoying your blog. ah, the memories!
    good luck as your adventures continue!!

  3. Shaun said, on July 12, 2007 at 3:15 am

    boy, you would think you would just give up at life since god had got you on his perma shit-list
    but hey, props on the Montreal Screwjob Reference.

  4. Sailor Mewtwo said, on July 12, 2007 at 3:42 am

    That was a great article, same for part one.
    Of course, I did watch that YouTube vid you linked afterwards. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so depressed….
    Yeah, looking forward to part 3 ^_^

  5. Anonymous said, on July 12, 2007 at 4:13 am

    “Devil Az: Field? Field? This ain’t no fuckin’ field we’re talking about here. This is a pristine holy land – with gentle, supple peaks and warm, fertile valleys. The purest of lands, not yet soiled by human hands. Az, you owe it not only to yourself, but to every man who has ever existed, to do what man does best when it comes to finding pure, lush, undiscovered countries – go rape the shit out of it.”
    I loled. Hard.

  6. Anonymous said, on July 12, 2007 at 4:13 am

    “Devil Az: Field? Field? This ain’t no fuckin’ field we’re talking about here. This is a pristine holy land – with gentle, supple peaks and warm, fertile valleys. The purest of lands, not yet soiled by human hands. Az, you owe it not only to yourself, but to every man who has ever existed, to do what man does best when it comes to finding pure, lush, undiscovered countries – go rape the shit out of it.”
    I loled. Hard.

  7. Belthasar2 said, on July 12, 2007 at 4:22 am

    “There are only two things infinite, the universe and the stupidity of humans, I am not so sure about the universe though.” (Einstein)
    Talking about the 14-year old, it reminds me of this:
    http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,2144,2671818,00.html
    although the girl’ mother accused him not the girl itself.
    And yeah, the last part is so true too, although in my class the “one” had C to D-cups, but she was a bitch. (and not in the good way)
    At least you have that hell (Six Flags) behind you, now to venture through all the hells still before you.
    Take care

  8. Mayhem said, on July 12, 2007 at 5:33 am

    More you say?! Bring it on heh…
    “Have you ever had a moment in your life, where you just looked at something, and you knew your shit was fucked up?”
    Damn right… and that last section was just unbelievably class classic class. You really need to write this book to put all these stories into.
    Interesting to say that it was the adults causing you the most grief, I suppose it depends which side of the fence you are on in a theme/amusement park, it’s always the dipshit kids that annoy the heck out of me, the adults are mostly fine…

  9. paul lewis said, on July 12, 2007 at 5:38 am

    Yea about the last thing i just turned nineteen this year and came back to my hometown for a few extra course upgrades and meeting all the girls in the 14-15 year range , its hard to tell whether i’d prefer them to the girls in the 16-18 range at school. o.O its pretty sad, and wish i was just a few years younger to make it slightly less evil to be thinking it.

  10. shoyo said, on July 12, 2007 at 5:46 am

    Long time fan, first time poster here…. that last bit with the field was HILARIOUS! I’ve always loved reading your (mis)adventures and have always been a fan of your writing style!
    Thanks for all the stories and may you have more stories to come!

  11. Kylara said, on July 12, 2007 at 6:11 am

    On girls dating older guys – I was told that for it to be appropriate, you divide the guy’s age in two and add seven. If the girl isn’t at least that, then no go.
    20 / 2 = 10 + 7 = 17 year minimum
    Which makes sense, kind of. And no, I did not make that up.

  12. L-ZH said, on July 12, 2007 at 7:31 am

    My high school was pretty, er, “bountiful”. Maybe it was the southern cooking. I don’t think I recall but one or two girls with eating disorders, either (good). Born in late 80s.

  13. RecurveHawk said, on July 12, 2007 at 10:14 am

    Yeah, adults can be like goats πŸ˜‰ I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned any situations on the Puke-o-Matic 9000 where there’s one passenger much, much larger than the other passenger! I remember there were a few rides I went on as a teenager with my little sister and at the time, I easily had 80-90 lbs on her (now the gap shrunk down to about 40 lbs!) and they’d almost always make sure I was the one on the outside so I wouldn’t squish her and that she wouldn’t go flying out of the car. I think I still have bruises and dents from when her tiny little bones dug into me at high g’s!
    As always, I love the way you tell your stories — they make even the suckiest things something to laugh about πŸ™‚

  14. Ironhead said, on July 12, 2007 at 10:26 am

    Yeah, but the guys of this generation of our own problems. We might have a higher number of hot chicks, but in my experience, the problem is that their more interested in each other than they are in dudes.
    Still though, one of your best write-ups man.
    (Az’s Note: Dude….
    The whole “lez is cool!” thing was just starting when I left America. I get the inklings that it’s sort of snowballing out of control, but I’m not there, I dunno. Is it that bad?)

  15. nanja monja said, on July 12, 2007 at 10:28 am

    Looking back at my high school class photographs, I can only agree with what you say about how we, guys who grew up in the 80s/90s, got screwed.

  16. Gomez said, on July 12, 2007 at 10:49 am

    You can thank Kurt Cobain and the grunge era for people wearing the baggy clothes and burlap sacks. Of this I am certain.
    However much the 80/90s did suck for this remember that we didn’t have Assclowns like Paris and Lindsy like they do today though. When I was in Junior High I remember some of the pretty girls being snobbish, but not as bad as kids today are. But hey look on the bright side, if that had happened to you today(at now that you are a little older than 19-20) the 14 year old girl probably wouldn’t have turned you away and as a result you probably would have ended up on nightline or some shit like that.
    Nowadays when I go back home to hang out with my brother we go to the mall or just wander around the city and talk about how many years we would spend in jail if we even “Thought” about talking to the pretty girl that looks at least 18. Although our Minor Sense has gotten pretty good as a result of it…

  17. Jeff the Baptist said, on July 12, 2007 at 11:38 am

    “Interesting to say that it was the adults causing you the most grief, I suppose it depends which side of the fence you are on in a theme/amusement park, it’s always the dipshit kids that annoy the heck out of me, the adults are mostly fine…”
    Always two there are, the master and the apprentice. Having worked in retail, I can tell you that the dipshit kids are merely the apprentices of their jackhole parents. When you find a kid that is a true bastard, his parents will let you know exactly why little Billy or Susie is that way. And the parents have had far more time to perfect it than their kids have.

  18. GringoDownSouth said, on July 12, 2007 at 11:44 am

    This post is a freakin CLASSIC/epic/full of win, take your pick! Every line is worth remembering, I laughed so hard. And that bit about the fat ladies and the angles, I felt like I was there. Good thing fat is squishy, right?

  19. Neil said, on July 12, 2007 at 11:53 am

    Eh, working for Vector would probably be worse.

  20. Nuinitari said, on July 12, 2007 at 12:23 pm

    Bret screwed Bret!

  21. Colin said, on July 12, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    “But no, we’re talking about good ‘ol America. Land of the Big Mac, Home of the Whopper. We pledge allegiance to the Big Gulp – one nation, under hot dogs, with cheese-covered garlic fries and caramel-topped cheesecake for all.”
    You, sir, are a poetic genius.

  22. Colin said, on July 12, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    “Though I can’t help but wonder how much of Japan’s rubbed off on you; think you still would’ve held out that long now?”
    I seem to recall an editorial wherein Az confessed to passing up a foursome with (if I’m remembering correctly) 15 or 16-year-old girls. So my best guess is that the answer to this question is “yes.”

  23. Dromeda said, on July 12, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    Neil- I’ve worked for Vector and I’ve worked retail (Though a bookstore and not food, thank god) and I’ll have to say that you deal with FAR more assholes in retail than for Vector. However, Vector sucks out your soul far worse than retail ever could. I felt soul-deep dirty every time I came back from an appointment.
    And Az- On the bright side, if you ever come back to the states, I know of a few girls over 18 who’d be more than willing to jump your bones.
    (Az’s Note: …Where?)

  24. rubbav1 said, on July 12, 2007 at 3:30 pm

    A very Pedo moment for you Az
    (P.S 14 and loving it)

  25. Shaun said, on July 12, 2007 at 4:29 pm

    Im glad there is a unified hatred of Vector, I cant believe I fell for it, and lost money trying to do that shitty job.

  26. Aaron said, on July 12, 2007 at 6:28 pm

    Az:
    I SO sympathize with the girl sitch. Listen to my story…
    This was two years back when I was 22. There I was, as this really nice hotel. I was in the jacuzzi, relaxing. Suddenly, four girls, all in bikinis, ask if they can join me. What do you think was my reply.
    Two of them were these hot twins, the third was also hot, the fourth was okay. So we’re all chillin’ in the tub and talking and it’s all in my favor until it comes out: The twins were 15, the third one 16, the fourth was the closest thing to legal, having just turned 17.
    …this goes to show you that God is the ultimate practical joker, not to mention, at times, a VERY cruel sense of humor. *Ahem* And I quote:
    “God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

  27. Anonymous said, on July 12, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    Hey, 14 is legal in Canada, so it’s not “wrong”, just illegal… hehe. Seriously, if they had full breasts and hips, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to them.
    Hilarious post as always, though I have to admit, neither editorials *really* highlighted the awfulness of that job, no? I mean sure, a few jackass parents but I didn’t see what made it so much worse than any other lame summer job. Is there a part III coming up? πŸ™‚

  28. Anonymous said, on July 12, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    Hey, 14 is legal in Canada, so it’s not “wrong”, just illegal… hehe. Seriously, if they had full breasts and hips, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to them.
    Hilarious post as always, though I have to admit, neither editorials *really* highlighted the awfulness of that job, no? I mean sure, a few jackass parents but I didn’t see what made it so much worse than any other lame summer job. Is there a part III coming up? πŸ™‚

  29. Genibibiou said, on July 12, 2007 at 7:41 pm

    Darn it, Az! You went on your rant about dipshit kids and you never finished telling us what you did to those two boys that tried to steal your ring! I mean, the set-up was a big black man with a big stick hovering over two restrained carnival kids! I want to know what you did to them!

  30. Nick said, on July 12, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    Looking back..as much as I despised the children in Six Flags…they were the better ‘guests’. They never read the signs (except for a save few) but they were normally polite or atleast not assholes. That reminds me of this one kid..I was working what they called “Chang Ball” (a basketball game next to the Chang rollecoaster..creative) and this one black kid came up..I swear if his head came to any more of a point on top I could split hairs in half with this kid’s cranium.
    I also remember the park policy on violence(that I was told during “training”). You would be instantly fired if you struck a ‘guest’..even in self defense. Real shitty place. $5.50 an hour, too.

  31. Lexx said, on July 12, 2007 at 8:20 pm

    You know, you never did say what you did to milli and vanilli after they made a jump for your ring

  32. Lyman said, on July 12, 2007 at 8:33 pm

    These Six Flags tales are epic. Props!

  33. Kosetsu said, on July 12, 2007 at 8:51 pm

    I was going to say something, but then I got lost in the imagery of two 14-year old hotties strutting up to a fairly stunned black amusement park ride operator. XD;
    …Oh, wait, I remember what I was going to say now.
    To that last bit about the 14-year olds of THIS generation… Az, you know about how computers are getting smaller and more powerful, sometimes in exponential quantities? The same goes for the sexiness of women. It’s like upping the ante in this huge nationwide sexy contest, with successive generations doing their best to outdo their predecessors(sp?).
    19th Century – flashing an ankle
    1920s – one-piece bathing suits
    1980s – micro-skirts
    1990s – bare bellies
    200X – 14-year olds with attributes they should have grown in a six-year period.
    Next thing you know, sex with big-breasted underage girls will be the new “sexy”, and the Japanese men will nod sagely, telling each other that they knew that this would happen and hadn’t they been practicing such a thing for years?

  34. DunnDeegan said, on July 12, 2007 at 9:39 pm

    Wow, the Montreal screwjob. My hatred for Vince and Shaun has been rekindled. I can still remember watching Bret spit in Vince’s face over the ropes. That was an awesome lougie. They will never be forgiven…but thanks for Bret Hart reference, Az! The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!

  35. Kelley said, on July 12, 2007 at 9:45 pm

    Az, this made me laugh so hard, since I remember that exact theme park back when it was Marine World Africa USA. Maybe I even visited while you were working there. By the way, despite the undeniable suckiness of your job, it sounds like you had a pretty cool manager. Thanks for writing aout this.

  36. Kenn' said, on July 12, 2007 at 9:59 pm

    Oh Az, i’ve been reading your site since you were on your second year as a japanese school teacher and though i have throughly enjoyed each segment i’ve never been so compelled to write to your blog until now for you see I have had the displeasure of also working at Siz Flags. Six Flags great advenuture in New jersey….And guess what?! i too was an operator and attendent of rides! whoopiee ::sarcastically:: now dont get me wrong i love seeing people have joy and be happy and even being responsible for that happiness but at times working on rides in Six flags was just..well it was just WRONG..And i too had an incident where a guy wanted me to kill his kid. He just wasnt tall enough for Skull Mountain. I was like “Dude Looney Tunes Seaport is right around the corner…go…” Not to mention the special couple that decided to squeeze into one seat meant for two with their two year old and infant..thats right INFANT…I must have had a brain freeze at that moment when i saw that…and forget having to make people take their earings off just to ride Batman and Robin: The Chiller…adults just dont give a damn about the possibility of ripped and bleeding ears….wow , working at Six Flags…wasn’t it great?!!!

  37. Kenn' said, on July 12, 2007 at 9:59 pm

    Oh Az, i’ve been reading your site since you were on your second year as a japanese school teacher and though i have throughly enjoyed each segment i’ve never been so compelled to write to your blog until now for you see I have had the displeasure of also working at Siz Flags. Six Flags great advenuture in New jersey….And guess what?! i too was an operator and attendent of rides! whoopiee ::sarcastically:: now dont get me wrong i love seeing people have joy and be happy and even being responsible for that happiness but at times working on rides in Six flags was just..well it was just WRONG..And i too had an incident where a guy wanted me to kill his kid. He just wasnt tall enough for Skull Mountain. I was like “Dude Looney Tunes Seaport is right around the corner…go…” Not to mention the special couple that decided to squeeze into one seat meant for two with their two year old and infant..thats right INFANT…I must have had a brain freeze at that moment when i saw that…and forget having to make people take their earings off just to ride Batman and Robin: The Chiller…adults just dont give a damn about the possibility of ripped and bleeding ears….wow , working at Six Flags…wasn’t it great?!!!

  38. Patrick said, on July 13, 2007 at 1:10 am

    Yes, those of us raised in the 80s/90s really got nothing. In my case, I was poor as well, so even the skank girls wouldn’t have let me in. I waited until college for my first booty call. I agree that the young ladies these days are way too oversexxed. I saw a pair of hotties at the movies the other day, but the ol’ Minor Radar went off. I think combined they’d equal my age.
    And I must applaud the guest starring role. It was well-timed and perfectly scripted.

  39. FamFams said, on July 13, 2007 at 1:50 am

    Hey Az, how much was your salary at Six Flags?

  40. Anonymous said, on July 13, 2007 at 3:16 am

    >> On girls dating older guys – I was told that for it to be appropriate, you divide the guy’s age in two and add seven. If the girl isn’t at least that, then no go.
    Just stepping in to point out that with this formula, you can’t be more than 14 to date a 14-year-old, which… makes sense? πŸ˜€

  41. Anonymous said, on July 13, 2007 at 3:16 am

    >> On girls dating older guys – I was told that for it to be appropriate, you divide the guy’s age in two and add seven. If the girl isn’t at least that, then no go.
    Just stepping in to point out that with this formula, you can’t be more than 14 to date a 14-year-old, which… makes sense? πŸ˜€

  42. Brad said, on July 13, 2007 at 6:50 am

    Your pop-culture references and my pop-culture references apparently have lunch every Wednesday.

  43. BklynBruzer said, on July 13, 2007 at 8:27 am

    Ahh, how happy I am to be a 16 year old dude at this point in time. All those chicks you guys are bitching about not being able to get? When you leave ’em hanging, they come to me πŸ˜‰

  44. Palette said, on July 13, 2007 at 10:44 am

    I get to Kriss and Kross, and as I grab their restraint, one of them grabs my arm, and the other begins to try and take the ring right off my finger!
    I’m disappointed we didn’t get to hear how you schooled their asses but good, or something similarly hilarious.

  45. Julio said, on July 13, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    “Darn it, Az! You went on your rant about dipshit kids and you never finished telling us what you did to those two boys that tried to steal your ring! I mean, the set-up was a big black man with a big stick hovering over two restrained carnival kids! I want to know what you did to them!”
    Were it today, I’d say they would have ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!!! Back then… I’m curious too.
    Great story Az – the last part on jailbait touched my 30-year old heart. In my high school we would say that girls, when they were born, chose if they wanted to be hot or attend that school. It was that bad.
    Keep up the good writing!

  46. John said, on July 13, 2007 at 5:52 pm

    There was nothing offensive about the Bret Hart screwjob. But then again, I never really liked him and figure he got what he deserved there.
    These stories just keep me coming back for more.

  47. Nils said, on July 13, 2007 at 6:42 pm

    Az, you should have lived in Germany – 14 is perfectly legal over here.
    πŸ˜‰

  48. Dave said, on July 13, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    I’m suprised Time-Travelling Future Az didn’t jump out of a Delorian and go “No, past self! You must not touch her! In a few years you’ll be going to Japan and you must build your resistance now!”

  49. Prodigal Priest said, on July 13, 2007 at 8:10 pm

    “Devil Az: Field? Field? This ain’t no fuckin’ field we’re talking about here. This is a pristine holy land – with gentle, supple peaks and warm, fertile valleys. The purest of lands, not yet soiled by human hands. Az, you owe it not only to yourself, but to every man who has ever existed, to do what man does best when it comes to finding pure, lush, undiscovered countries – go rape the shit out of it.
    I loled. Hard.
    Posted by: Anonymous at July 12, 2007 04:13 AM”
    I agree…. I agree wholeheartedly. I just about gave myself emphysema, I laughed so hard ^_^.
    You forgot the care bears, Az. yet another reason why the rest of the World…. if not outright hates, then…. looks down on the U.S.
    And ‘be careful what you wish for’? Don’t worry. I’m a big boy and can take the punishment I’m a glutton for ;).
    Great read, as always. xD

  50. JH from FInland said, on July 13, 2007 at 10:52 pm

    I don’t understand why people have to be hatin’ on the musical and fashionable brilliance of Kris Kross.

  51. Liz said, on July 13, 2007 at 11:07 pm

    Wow, Az, if only you could figure out a way to adjust the age setting on that babe magnet of yours.
    Either that, or the 14 year old at the park was an omen of your time with JET. πŸ™‚ <–hasn’t drawn her eyebrows in yet

  52. Koneko said, on July 14, 2007 at 2:16 am

    OMG!! When you said this “a guy who’d throw away a management job and give up everything he owns to “invent” a game where people slap a ball across a table.” I Immediately thought Bulletball…. I thought I was the only one who remembered how desperate that guy was… You never know Az, that might be one sad look 15 or 20 years into the future…lol

  53. Bow said, on July 14, 2007 at 4:50 am

    KrissKross makes ya wanna jump eh?

  54. JH from Finland said, on July 14, 2007 at 7:50 am

    On the issue of Bulletball… the guy makes me sad. Black Knight sad. Still, the game isn’t any dumber than any given ballgame, which I guess puts the ball on the basketball et al fans’ side of the table.

  55. carlos said, on July 14, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    lol, yeah, I too remembered the bulletball reference….truly a sad story…

  56. Nekorin said, on July 15, 2007 at 12:23 am

    Amusing article. That thing with the woman was particularly enjoyable .. I feel bad for the kid, but the stupidity of people will always continue to amuse me.
    Concerning the part about the 14-year-olds, yeah, there are alot of pretty girls around nowadays, but alot of them are really skanky bitches. They’re not trustworthy or pretty inside at all. And well, because they’re around, the people who aren’t so good looking ( like me ) are completely overlooked and cast aside by the rest of society. It’s rather unfair.

  57. Reality said, on July 15, 2007 at 2:18 pm

    Here is a Worldwide overview of Age of consent laws, based on verified information from Age of consent and its associated subpages.

  58. Anonymous said, on July 16, 2007 at 2:27 am

    You know i was thinking about your post regarding the Japanese horrible misuse of music in gyms. And i found this….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytlxxGSmdxw&mode=related&search=
    The single worst application of music to subject matter that i have ever seen in my life.

  59. Anonymous said, on July 16, 2007 at 2:27 am

    You know i was thinking about your post regarding the Japanese horrible misuse of music in gyms. And i found this….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytlxxGSmdxw&mode=related&search=
    The single worst application of music to subject matter that i have ever seen in my life.

  60. DunnDeegan said, on July 16, 2007 at 2:49 am

    John,
    I don’t know how you could think the screw job wasn’t offensive. You must not know what actually happened. Watching the event take place is one thing, but actually knowing the truth behind it is something completely different. Type “Montreal screwjob” into google and see what comes up.

  61. Sam said, on July 16, 2007 at 3:01 am

    Hi Az, that’s you in the new JET journal, right? If so, congrats.

  62. Anonymous said, on July 16, 2007 at 11:27 am

    Hah, I am growing up in this generation of teens with bodies that grew up faster than they did. It’s weird, innit? I remember when I was much shorter, the girls looked the same from 12 to 16. What a weird world it is.
    Saty strong, Az, there must be legal women out there somewhere! Just nowhere near you! D:

  63. Anonymous said, on July 16, 2007 at 11:27 am

    Hah, I am growing up in this generation of teens with bodies that grew up faster than they did. It’s weird, innit? I remember when I was much shorter, the girls looked the same from 12 to 16. What a weird world it is.
    Saty strong, Az, there must be legal women out there somewhere! Just nowhere near you! D:

  64. Yawgy said, on July 17, 2007 at 1:15 am

    Az, you never finished telling us what you did to the morons who tried to take your ring.

  65. Rain said, on July 17, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    Yeah, I was curious about that too. Did you whap them with your big-ass stick?

  66. Roger said, on July 18, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    Az,
    Hope the earthquake didn’t rattle ya too much. Hope you and your girlfriend are safe. I think you two were south of the quake, hopefully you guys didn’t hit badly.

  67. DunnDeegan said, on July 19, 2007 at 10:51 pm

    Hey Az,
    There’s no comment box for the next post on being sick…so…get well soon!
    I don’t know what the meds are like in Japan, but I find in Korea, regardless of my sickness I get the same package of about 6 different pills and sometimes a different, strange liquid to drink with them 3 times a day. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s being sick from my vacation to Thailand, a common cold, a sore throat or whatever. It’s always the same, or damn near anyways. My co-t loves sending me to the doctor and I get the same magic pills everytime I go regardless of if I need them or not.
    Do you get magic pills everytime or something different?

  68. Dave B said, on July 20, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Hey Az, do you have a mixi?

  69. El-Ahrairah said, on July 20, 2007 at 11:20 pm

    Hey Az, maybe this will help you feel alittle better. They FINALLY showed somthing worth watching on BET.

  70. Anonymous said, on July 23, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    your math is wrong. in 7th grade most kids are 12. 12 is the age the average american girl gets her period. 12 year old girls are just barely beginning to develop a figure; of course you remember them all being flat-chested. at 14 they are well into their curves. at 15 i had all the T&A i was ever gonna get, and so did all my friends. i’m 26 now, so this isn’t a “generational” thing. you can’t equate 7th graders with high school freshmen.

  71. Anonymous said, on July 23, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    your math is wrong. in 7th grade most kids are 12. 12 is the age the average american girl gets her period. 12 year old girls are just barely beginning to develop a figure; of course you remember them all being flat-chested. at 14 they are well into their curves. at 15 i had all the T&A i was ever gonna get, and so did all my friends. i’m 26 now, so this isn’t a “generational” thing. you can’t equate 7th graders with high school freshmen.

  72. DunnDeegan said, on July 27, 2007 at 2:20 am

    It’s been over one week. I hope you can get a good lawyer to get you out of jail time, Az…I bet that doctor never saw it coming…
    In all seriousness though, hurry up and get well! πŸ™‚

  73. Anonymous said, on July 27, 2007 at 7:26 am

    I agree with DunnDeegan!

  74. Anonymous said, on July 27, 2007 at 7:26 am

    I agree with DunnDeegan!

  75. Steeple said, on July 29, 2007 at 6:07 pm

    The thing that scares me the most is girls who are younger than me look more sexually developed than me. I was an early bloomer, too. T_T

  76. zhoa said, on July 29, 2007 at 6:26 pm

    is it just me or does anyone else think as is dead

  77. celestial-salamander said, on July 30, 2007 at 12:03 pm

    yeah 14 is way too young for like sex (i think its safe to asume you wernt wanting dinner and a move) if you had duon it i would have to have sent “mirror of wrath” after you

  78. celestial-salamander said, on July 30, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    as for the over developed tenagers, it might have something to do with all the hormons they give to live stock.

  79. Melanie said, on July 30, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    He’s got to be dead… that’s the only explanation i can accept! Come back to us, Az!

  80. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2007 at 11:44 pm

    Well there is only one thing left to do. We need to get a voodoo witch doctor, and we shall have ZOMBIE AZ!

  81. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2007 at 11:44 pm

    Well there is only one thing left to do. We need to get a voodoo witch doctor, and we shall have ZOMBIE AZ!

  82. Anonymous said, on July 31, 2007 at 2:23 am

    Where Oh Where Has Our Azrael Gone, Oh where Oh Where Can He Be……

  83. Anonymous said, on July 31, 2007 at 2:23 am

    Where Oh Where Has Our Azrael Gone, Oh where Oh Where Can He Be……

  84. Anonymous said, on August 6, 2007 at 5:16 am

    Bloody hell, I WISH I was born in your generation, then I wouldn’t have to go through years of guys never giving a second glance at me while it seemed every other damned whore was fauned over. Yes, it’s turned me bitter and miserable (if you couldn’t tell). Five years of locker rooms has NOT helped -_- and porn depresses the absolute hell out of me. Maybe I should go to Japan, I’d feel less out of place (despite being a wavy-haired, pants-wearing gaijin).

  85. Anonymous said, on August 6, 2007 at 5:16 am

    Bloody hell, I WISH I was born in your generation, then I wouldn’t have to go through years of guys never giving a second glance at me while it seemed every other damned whore was fauned over. Yes, it’s turned me bitter and miserable (if you couldn’t tell). Five years of locker rooms has NOT helped -_- and porn depresses the absolute hell out of me. Maybe I should go to Japan, I’d feel less out of place (despite being a wavy-haired, pants-wearing gaijin).

  86. Raijinz said, on August 29, 2007 at 7:23 am

    I love your blog Az, a lot of what you write really goes to my heart! Don’t stop doing what you’re doing dude!
    I can attest to the whole hot 14 year olds epidemic as well. Were I work, we’ve had some kids from Poland doing work experience with us for one month.
    One of them is a hot cute busty girl that keeps hanging round me every chance she gets! (It must be my chocolate blackness powers or something!) She’s always trying to talk to me in English the best she can, which is just adorable because even though she gets some words wrong, she tries really hard.
    From looking at her build (very voluptuous!), I assumed that she was at least 17 or something. I only found out later that she’s only 14!
    My mind was quite literally blown apart (not literally, of course!) I shudder to think that I could go to jail for all the things that, in my head, I wanted to do to her BEFORE I found out how old she was!
    It’s official: God is a sick, twisted and mentally disturbed punkass!

  87. Mila said, on April 25, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    I’d agree with you, if it weren’t for the fact that I AM one of those oversexed, ridiculously overdeveloped girls. Your story really put in perspective for me. For years, I’ve had to tell older guys, “Yeah, sorry, I’m only 12/13/14/15 (not joking)come back when I’m legal,” and I’d get mad that all these pedos were trying to get me. It all makes sense now, and I just want to say, I’m sorry that God hates you so much.


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