Gaijin Smash

Job Hunting

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on July 5, 2007

As fun as my new Japanese housewife lifestyle was, I couldn’t keep it up. It’s a special kind of depressing to see your bank account only go down, never up. And my nice, new apartment certainly wasn’t going to pay for itself. I needed a job. I was up for almost anything. Bartender (would have been cool actually–however my girlfriend had several blaring objections to this one), waiter, gas pumper, male whore, street scrubber, even one of those people who holds a sign pointing you in the direction of an internet cafe/porn shop.* I really only had one requirement–absolutely, under no circumstances, would I accept a job teaching English. Sure, it was fun for a while, but it was time to hang up that hat. Unfortunately, English teacher is the easiest job in Japan for a foreigner to get, so for me to levy this restriction upon myself would be a lot like Samuel L. Jackson saying, “I don’t want to act in any roles that involve me being an angry black man.”
*I always feel kinda bad for these people, especially the young college students. Essentially, they’re doing the same work that a couple of old spare tires could accomplish. Or hey, even a really heavy cinder block. They always look like they’re in their own personal little hell too. But then again, since they’re Japanese, they’re probably enjoying said personal hell. Remember: Japanese love suffering!
With my “no English teacher” clause, I found that the number of available jobs decreased substantially. Furthermore, there were few jobs available to foreigners in the Kansai region. Anything that didn’t involve teaching English almost required you to be able to speak Japanese. While I can speak Japanese, the only credentials I had were the JLPT, 2-kyuu. As this was December, I’d taken the 1-kyuu test, but the results wouldn’t be released until February. I marked on job applications that I had 2-kyuu at first. 2-kyuu, for all intents and purposes, is fluent Japanese. You may not be able to follow along 100% about conversations regarding politics, or superconductors, or how to re-calculate Einstein’s theory of relativity, but you can converse with people quite easily without getting lost or confused at all. I was kind of hoping that 2-kyuu would be enough, but after the first few interviews I noticed a disturbing trend.
Interviewer: Ok, well, do you have any Japanese language certification?
Me: Yes, as you can see on my application, I received JLPT 2-kyuu last year.
Interview: Ah, 2-kyuu. Oh, that’s cute. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA MY MOUTH?
Me: Goddamnit.
After that happened a few times, I wised up and put “Took the JLPT 1-kyuu This December” on my application. Although I personally sorta knew I failed, I wouldn’t have official documented proof of my failure until February. Hopefully I’d be able to snag a job before then. And hey, who knows? Maybe by some stroke of pure, God-loves-me luck, I actually passed! Right. And if I passed, Monica Belluci would come to my door to personally deliver the results, and give me a congratulatory “fuck me raw!” in the process. “God-loves-me-luck,” who am I kidding?
The resume h4x helped somewhat.
Interviewer: Let’s see…it says here you took the 1-kyuu this month.
Me: That’s right, I sure did.
Interviewer: How do you think you did?
Me: (blatantly lying) Well, I feel I did pretty well. There weren’t a whole lot of things that threw me off.
Interviewer: I see. So, you know Japan has four distinct seasons, right? This is probably because of the molecular neutrino content of our sub-pressurized atmosphere. It causes atom diffusion which, due to the Fosters Chain Reaction theory, causes things to happen in a cyclic pattern. But tell me, what do you think?
Me: (no fuckin’ clue what she said) …Um…well…that is to say…oh wow, you’re pregnant? That’s great! When are you due?
Interviewer: I see. (Writes something down in her notes. Probably “big stupid liar,” but I suck at kanji so I have no flipping idea what she’s writing.)


The hard thing about going for non-English teacher jobs in Japan is, as a Gaijin, we have to somehow convince the Japanese that we would be better suited for the job than all the other Japanese people who are applying. It’s like being the fat/scrawny kid during dodgeball team formations at recess. Despite all the other boys being stronger, faster, and maybe even better looking, you’ve gotta convince the team captain that somehow, you’d be great on his team. Not such an easy thing.
I did find a few postings I was able to apply and even interview for. One such opening was for a translator/interpreter at Capcom. Now, I don’t know how many of you have been closely reading along, but I am a video gamer and a HUGE Street Fighter fan. I grew up in the arcades. Back then, quarters were life. If you found one, that meant you had at least one shot at the local SF champion. I’d skip lunch to save up lunch money, rummage between couch cushions of homes that weren’t even mine–hell, I probably would have killed any one of you if I thought your liver was filled with quarters. It was that much of an obsession. So the prospect of getting a job at the place that fueled the obsession…I can only imagine it felt a lot like a crack fiend winning an all-expenses paid trip to Colombia.
Although my interview went fairly well (I thought), I ultimately didn’t get the job. That’s probably for the best though. It seemed like it would have been a really busy job–lots of overtime work and what not–and if I had fully immersed myself in the obsession, it probably would have changed me somethin’ down-right fierce. I’d walk the streets of Japan in my karate gi, only carrying a duffel bag, dedicating my whole life to the fight and the next strongest opponent. Oh, and wearing out the pause button whenever Chun-Li did her spinning bird kick. Guys, don’t even try to pretend you didn’t do the same thing.
I found another job in Osaka as an English checker for a translation company. I interviewed twice for the position, with the first interview being in English and the second in Japanese. It was really just your ordinary job interview, anyone who’s ever been on one knows how that goes. There was one thing that kinda bugged me though.
Interviewer: So, tell us about a difficult situation you’ve faced in your life, and how you overcame it.
Me: Hmm. (thinks about it) Well, you know, last year Bobby Ologun was really popular on television. Anywhere I went, people used to say, “Hey look, it’s Bobby!” Even at work, where people knew my real name, they called me Bobby, and I really hated it.
Interviewer: Ah, yes, Bobby! But, you do look a lot like him.
Interviewer 2: Yes, there’s a definite resemblance.
Me: ……………
Interviewers: ………………..?
Me: And also, there was this other time, where I went to a job interview, and the interviewers said I looked like Bobby….It took A LOT of restraint to not leap across the table and start beating them into a fine grapey pulp. A LOT of restraint.
I really hate that question at any rate. I mean, I know what they’re getting at, but I just don’t have a good answer. I haven’t really had a Hard Knock Life. All of my “difficult situations” seem kind of trivial. What am I supposed to say? “Well, there was that one time when Optimus Prime died. Turned stone cold gray right there on the table. I cried for DAYS man. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, all I could do was wonder if freedom really was the right of sentient beings, and if Unicron was on his way to come eat my ass right now. *sniff* It was a difficult period.” I kind of want to make something up for this question, but I’m afraid of my imagination getting the best of me.
Interviewer: So, tell me about a difficult situation in your life, and how you dealt with it.
Me: Okay, this one time there I was, surrounded by 1000 pirate ninjas, and all I had on me a paper clip, some Mentos, and a shoe string.
My all-time most hated interview question though has GOT to be, “What are your three worst attributes?” What the hell? I’m trying to GET this job, and now I’ve got to come clean about all the worst aspects of my personality?! What’s that going to accomplish? NOBODY answers this question truthfully, NOBODY.
Interviewer: So, what are your worst three character traits?
Me: Well, I enjoy the services of prostitutes, sometimes I use the bathroom and don’t wash my hands, and occasionally I’m filled with a blind, soul-consuming rage, a hatred that can only be quenched by killing the nearest Japanese person as painfully and horribly as possible.
Interviewer: Oh.
Me: I’m also brutally honest, and always on time.
It’s a question that asks you to lie, and gauges how well you can lie. I forget how I answered this one in America, but I have my Japanese version all prepared.
Interviewer: So, what are your worst three character traits?
Me: Obviously, that I wasn’t born Japanese, I work far, far too long and hard, and, *wistful sigh,* my penis is just too big. Every woman I’ve been with complains that sex with me is just like punching her uterus over and over again. If only I had a smaller, more flaccid penis, I’m sure she would make “toddler having her diaper changed by someone with IcyHot on their fingers” screams of pleasure.
Interviewer: *nods with approval*
Does this question get asked in any other circumstance? I think not.
Customer: Wow, this is a nice car.
Salesman: Yes, its our newest model, a real beauty.
Customer: Tell me about the three worst things about this car.
Salesman: Well, she’s a gas guzzler, it won’t get you laid at all, and if you get into even the tiniest of fender-benders, it will explode into a magnificent fireball which no living thing can survive.
Anyway, I ultimately did not get this job either. It actually went to a friend of mine, who happened to interview for the same job. He told me that I was the first runner-up for the position. I’m sure a big factor in their decision was that he had 1-kyuu, and I didn’t. Oh well, the final joke is on that company in the end–during the interviews, they stressed that they wanted someone who’d be able to work for them long-term–a couple of years at least–and my friend was planning to leave Japan in six months time.
At the same time I interviewed for this job, I found another listing in Osaka for English translation and customer support for a company that sells Japanese goods overseas. The work seemed like it would be good, and transportation was also going to be fairly smooth. My girlfriend took a look at the listing, and she noticed something about the job in particular.
Her: Hmm, under “Current Employee Information,” it says that there are four guys and 15 women.
Me: Really? Wow. It’s like high school all over again.
Her: Is this okay? I mean, there are more than three times more women than men there!
Me: Yeah, but, what does it matter?
Her: C’mon. This is Japan. Illicit workplace affairs are a staple of this society.
Me: Oh, you’re worried about that? C’mon now. I’m sure those 15 women are all over 30 anyway.
Her: Hey, didn’t you once have a fuck buddy 10 years your senior? You LIKE older women!
Me: Shit, she knows my weakness. Okay, okay, I’m sure they’re all over 60 and married.
Her: (suspicious) You wouldn’t fuck a 60-year old, would you?
Me: Well, probably not.
Her: OMGWTFBBQSAUCE!!!!
Me: Okay, okay, definitely not.
When I went to the interview and sure enough it was mostly women. Mostly women in their 30’s or so. But I didn’t get a good look, so I wasn’t able to tell if there were any hot Mrs. Robinsons among them. I did notice that when I walked in, they all pretty much stopped what they were doing to look at me. I don’t have to be Charles Xavier to know what was running through their minds–“Why is this very large yet well dressed black man here?” Don’t think I’m exaggerating here either. I interviewed with the company president, one of the four men, who later told me that indeed after the interview all of the company employees, one by one, came up to him and asked, “Are you really going to hire that guy?” I guess it’s an understandable reaction. I mean given some of the other things I’ve been hit with during my time in Japan, I can only imagine they feared their likelihood to be raped on the job would go up by 300%, or after just a few short weeks at the company, I’d show up in a tank top and cut-offs and start forcing everyone to do Tae-Bo.
A few days before New Years, the president called me to tell me he wanted me to work for them. At this time, I was still waiting to hear back from Capcom, so I couldn’t accept immediately. But I didn’t want to say I was waiting for the results of another interview, so I needed another story, quick.
Me: Well, can I have some time to think?
Prez: Sure. May I ask what it is you have to consider?
Me: Well…uh…y’see, it’s my girlfriend. She noticed that there are a lot more women at the company than men, so she’s a little worried about that.
Prez: Oh, I see. Well, if you like, I can have a talk with her to help ease some of her fears.
Me: (That’s something I’ve never heard before.) Well, I’ve told her that everyone is over 60 and married, so hopefully that’ll work.
Prez: (laughing) Over 60 and married? You know most of the women are in their 30’s, and a few are still single.
Me: Yeah, but she doesn’t need to know that.
As Capcom didn’t come through, I ended up taking this job. So now I work for a company called Navibird Inc., which runs the website JSHOPPERS.com. (Website is not viewable to anyone who happens to be in Japan, sorry.) I’ll be doing English translation and customer support. JSHOPPERS sells Japanese goods overseas–the primary good being clothing at the moment. Now, I don’t know anything about clothes other than I need to wear them. So it’ll be interesting working a job that’s fashion-related. But hey, I’m certainly not complaining. I’m glad to be working a job where I no longer have to worry about anyone trying to grab my dick or stick fingers up my ass.
Probably.

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93 Responses

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  1. Shik said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:32 pm

    But hey, I’m certainly not complaining. I’m glad to be working a job where I no longer have to worry about anyone trying to grab my dick or stick fingers up my ass.
    As far as you KNOW.

  2. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:43 pm

    well, you work at a (more) normal line of work now, but i hope you still keep up with your zany american antics in japan.

  3. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:43 pm

    well, you work at a (more) normal line of work now, but i hope you still keep up with your zany american antics in japan.

  4. Julian Devlin said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    What’s up with the “Family Planning” section?
    That might need to be retranslated – maybe “First Date Planning” or “Family Dreaming” šŸ˜‰

  5. Draeger said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:49 pm

    You should of started a Gaijin Glory Hole.

  6. Alex said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:51 pm

    Congrats on getting a job!

  7. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    Dunno some of those Japanese MILFS might go for your bratwurst if you get what im sprachen. Better play it close to the vest.

  8. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    Dunno some of those Japanese MILFS might go for your bratwurst if you get what im sprachen. Better play it close to the vest.

  9. Kairi said, on July 5, 2007 at 10:57 pm

    At least if they do try to make a grab at you, they’re of legal age and you have a pretty good chance that they are female.
    That’s got to count for something, right?
    Right?

  10. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    Getting jobs in your own country is hard enough these days…

  11. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    Getting jobs in your own country is hard enough these days…

  12. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    Do the people who work there know you’re a minor Internet celebrity? They should pay you for plugging their site.
    (Az’s Note: Well, “our” site.
    I just anticipated, if I didn’t link to it, the first few comments would have been “…Link?”)

  13. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    Do the people who work there know you’re a minor Internet celebrity? They should pay you for plugging their site.
    (Az’s Note: Well, “our” site.
    I just anticipated, if I didn’t link to it, the first few comments would have been “…Link?”)

  14. Misty said, on July 5, 2007 at 11:47 pm

    Ah, to work at a video game company would be the ultimate dream (I myself would kill to work for Nintendo). Though, translating wouldn’t be too exciting….. But then again, juicy game secrets!! And preveting Engrish from getting into the game (I miss the NES era).
    …..I’m going to shut up to stop depressing you now.

  15. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 12:00 am

    Don’t get dooced, now.

  16. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 12:00 am

    Don’t get dooced, now.

  17. Rantinan said, on July 6, 2007 at 12:12 am

    Congratulations on the new job. It’s nice to know out favorite J blogger wont be slowly starving or selling himself for pocky on the cold mean streets of osaka.

  18. Anonimo Mexicano said, on July 6, 2007 at 12:17 am

    Today I quit my job, I was working as a bellhop in a 5 stars hotel, but the tips were horrible, and the pay was bad, i was making more more working as an assistant in my college computer center, now i’m looking for a job in [systems engineering] related fields (i’m still a student)
    I’m thinking of becoming a NEET if DELPHI dont return my calls…

  19. Gomez said, on July 6, 2007 at 12:33 am

    That would be the beauty of the double standard right there. You could have always made the arguement that there are a lot of guys at her workplace. You could have also argueed that they probably don’t have the monogamy issues that you have and would not hesitate to make a move on her.
    But then again I believe that you would invariably lose such an arguement because of your possession of a penis…

  20. Embee90 said, on July 6, 2007 at 1:03 am

    I used to feel sorry for those sign-wavers…until I found out that they make $15/hr here in Arizona. It almost made me want to do that job as well, but then I remembered that I live in Arizona and ‘sunstroke’ is not one of my hobbies.

  21. LoR said, on July 6, 2007 at 1:13 am

    So I guess you’ve been working there since mid-January or something? Next week should be interesting…

  22. Trevize said, on July 6, 2007 at 1:17 am

    Congrats
    Being a non native english speaker, I too had a rough time just finding a job even with the 1kyu… Though I’m just an ALT now.
    Damn you give me bad ideas, I so wanna quit now… Well gotta pay the rent
    Good luck on your new adventures ^_^

  23. Corey said, on July 6, 2007 at 2:23 am

    Thats the kind of job I think I’d rather get instead of teaching. Some type of translating.
    P.S Yeah, the women at the job could have some kind of Gaijin fetish šŸ˜„ Plus the usual stereotypes of black men (you know what one I’m talking about). So, I hope you weren’t too, too surprised if one of them took a jump at you XD.

  24. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 2:24 am

    “We, Navibird, are very happy to support the international desire for Japanese goods.
    This is truly our wish.”
    Looks like you have your work cut out for you šŸ˜‰

  25. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 2:24 am

    “We, Navibird, are very happy to support the international desire for Japanese goods.
    This is truly our wish.”
    Looks like you have your work cut out for you šŸ˜‰

  26. Optimus Prime said, on July 6, 2007 at 2:33 am

    Don’t cry for me, Az. Alpha Trion told me that there would be days like these.

  27. Vicky said, on July 6, 2007 at 2:38 am

    The site of your new company has cool clothes! I’ve always liked Japanese fashion, its so feminine and… uh.. conservative. But it looks good on them. Oh, and just so you know, on the site on the size chart, instead of saying “underwear” for bra’s and panties it says “inner wears”… like that stuff you wear.. inside. Yeah. Might wanna change that LOL.

  28. Phoenix said, on July 6, 2007 at 3:00 am

    1) When I tried to sign in to TypeKey: “The site you’re trying to comment on has not signed up for this feature. Please inform the site owner.”
    2) JSHOPPERS.com (website is not viewable to anyone who happens to be in Japan, sorry) I’m looking at the site right now, and I’m in Fukuiken.
    3) […] it probably would have changed me somethin’ down-right fierce. MOST APPROPRIATE REFERENCE EVAR! ^_^ Hadouken!
    4) Build error in template ‘Comment Preview Template’: Error in tag: Can’t find included template module ‘Remember Me’ WTF? Bugs, much?

  29. DunnDeegan said, on July 6, 2007 at 3:32 am

    Heheh. I hope for your girlfriends sake that single Japanese women in their 30’s don’t have as strong a desire to get married as the Korean’s do.

  30. Solitaire said, on July 6, 2007 at 4:53 am

    hey Az,
    i noticed you made a comment again about the old transformers movie. i was just wondering what your opinion of the new live action transformers movie is? can we expect an editorial about it on here or outpost nine once you have seen it?

  31. john nemo said, on July 6, 2007 at 4:54 am

    you realize, bnow that you’ve said this, kancho ninjas will be appearing from out of the shadows wherever you go, right?
    it’ll be like the kancho version, except instead of getting the crap kicked out of you, you get violated up your ass.

  32. Kyle E said, on July 6, 2007 at 6:04 am

    Not viewable eh? I’m staying at Kyoto Sangyo Daigaku atm and I can get onto the site, granted I’m on my American laptop but still. Grats on the job šŸ™‚

  33. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 9:23 am

    That Bobby Oglun thing is rough. I’d probably start calling all of them Bruce (as in Bruce Lee) just to counteract it and attempt to further piss them off.

  34. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 9:23 am

    That Bobby Oglun thing is rough. I’d probably start calling all of them Bruce (as in Bruce Lee) just to counteract it and attempt to further piss them off.

  35. rien said, on July 6, 2007 at 10:00 am

    lol…
    Balloon skirt:
    Draw the in hem for a very cute style and silhouette that follows your movement for a special look image.
    Nice job šŸ˜›

  36. chaosrainz said, on July 6, 2007 at 11:36 am

    what’s “nude size”? lol
    http://www.jshoppers.com/kensaku2-eg.asp?shubetsu=234
    (left hand side under item search)
    aren’t you glad you posted this link? haha

  37. Gennai said, on July 6, 2007 at 11:43 am

    “…or after just a few short weeks at the company, I’d show up in a tank top and cut-offs and start forcing everyone to do Tae-Bo.”
    Was this a Billy Blanks Reference?
    http://www.japanprobe.com/?p=2200

  38. SgtRicko said, on July 6, 2007 at 11:44 am

    “Oh, and wearing out the pause button whenever Chun-Li did her spinning bird kick. Guys, don’t even try to pretend you didn’t do the same thing.”
    I guess I must be a freak of nature then… :/

  39. trewq said, on July 6, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    How many workmates have you raped so far?

  40. ShadowCell said, on July 6, 2007 at 1:27 pm

    “even one of those people who holds a sign pointing you in the direction of an internet cafe/porn shop.* ”
    No. You do not want to be one of those people. I was one of those people who did that for two years, in America. It was like pain, but worse.

  41. Rin said, on July 6, 2007 at 1:33 pm

    Jshoppers is so overpriced šŸ˜¦

  42. Leon Dolinar said, on July 6, 2007 at 2:15 pm

    Oi m8!
    The tables got turned, finally. However, watch your back šŸ˜‰
    Lately I was wondering about have you become a bit fussy. As being your ‘dear reader’ for quite some time, I’ve noticed (or am just assuming) you’d be whining about a lot of things that happened to ya…or WAIT…Az, are you turning Japanese? Y’know enjoying all that suffer brought on you (almost quoted you :P) šŸ˜€
    Keep up the good work!
    CheerZ

  43. Kathryn said, on July 6, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    I’m trying to get a job at the moment and this editorial is one of the funniest so far as it strikes such a chord. I am planning to memorise this response: “occasionally I’m filled with a blind, soul-consuming rage, a hatred that can only be quenched by killing the nearest [Japanese] person as painfully and horribly as possible.
    Interviewer: ……………….”
    I won’t get the job but hey, I’ll be memorable!

  44. Jonci said, on July 6, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    Congrats on the new job. With all that sexual tension, I foresee many funny stories to come.

  45. GringoDownSouth said, on July 6, 2007 at 5:41 pm

    A job working with an internet company translating? Seems perfect. I was totally expecting the plug for the company at the end there, but of course you’d be a fool not to help your new place of employment out a bit. Tell them to give you a bonus.
    On another note, how do you deal with walking into any building and having everyone stop and stare at you? I mean, I’m a Gringo here in Ecuador and I get that all the time but I know that is NOTHING compared to a large, black man in a country so devoid of outsiders. I know sometimes it’s fun to be different but after a while…

  46. Caged_Penguin said, on July 6, 2007 at 7:02 pm

    Damn it Az!
    Why did you have to tell everyone the Chun Li bird kick pause right when her legs are split toward and away from the screen secret?
    Do you know how many pervs you probably just created?
    Whats next? You gonna tell them about Mai Shiranui?
    You really are a sick pup =p
    Curtis Cage waiting till tuesday.
    Reader since Dec 2005.

  47. Patrick said, on July 6, 2007 at 8:20 pm

    Well, some of those ladies MIGHT grab your manhood. But it’s either going to be a greeting or a blatant request for a booty call. After all, you are pretty tall, might be the only thing they can reach…

  48. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    See now, I’m nice, so I’m choosing to believe that you handled the parts of the site that were in good English and someone else handled the other bits. Someone else you couldn’t afford to piss off–like your boss.
    (Az’s Note: And you would be exactly right.
    Although it’s not a matter of me not wanting to piss anyone off, it’s just that I have plenty of other new stuff to translate, that I can’t really worry about the old stuff.
    I’m hoping that as time goes by and I do more work, all the existing awkward English will gradually be phased out.)

  49. Anonymous said, on July 6, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    See now, I’m nice, so I’m choosing to believe that you handled the parts of the site that were in good English and someone else handled the other bits. Someone else you couldn’t afford to piss off–like your boss.
    (Az’s Note: And you would be exactly right.
    Although it’s not a matter of me not wanting to piss anyone off, it’s just that I have plenty of other new stuff to translate, that I can’t really worry about the old stuff.
    I’m hoping that as time goes by and I do more work, all the existing awkward English will gradually be phased out.)

  50. Liz said, on July 6, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    The “slimming aids” section of the health and beauty department has some really funny stuff. I can’t decide if they’re intended to appeal more to people wanting to be thinner or to certain sorts of fetishists.

  51. MrGreg said, on July 6, 2007 at 10:41 pm

    Tell them to start selling the super awesome butt washing toilet seats.

  52. Anonymous said, on July 7, 2007 at 1:28 am

    What? You can’t do this, where will everyone get their daily fill of engrish?!? You’re murdering potential “Hard Gay”s. Quickly quit this job and tell him to hire the delinquent kid who listens to j-pop to learn english whose job you took!

  53. Anonymous said, on July 7, 2007 at 1:28 am

    What? You can’t do this, where will everyone get their daily fill of engrish?!? You’re murdering potential “Hard Gay”s. Quickly quit this job and tell him to hire the delinquent kid who listens to j-pop to learn english whose job you took!

  54. That_One_Guy said, on July 7, 2007 at 2:06 am

    “even one of those people who holds a sign pointing you in the direction of an internet cafe/porn shop.”
    i didn’t know people were still payed for that, most people near me use this method now: http://www.bumvertising.com/

  55. Sean said, on July 7, 2007 at 4:54 am

    Spinning bird kick? Come now good sir, you must know the pause button is solely reserved for the Kikouken (in SFII that is). Much easier to time, and serves the imagination far better.

  56. LaughingMan42 said, on July 7, 2007 at 5:13 am

    “Dispatch the Japanese trend to the world!”
    On the Navibird Inc website, they have it in English, even on the Japanese and Traditional Chinese versions… Is this like those J-rock songs that have a a word or two of there chorus in English even though the rest of the song is in Japanese, or that song Ricky Martin sings, um “Living (some kind of foreign gibberish)”; that is, deriving an occult popularity from the pseudo-archaic qualities of foreign language and characters?
    Anyway, my only question is how did this English language catch-phrase for the company manage to not only be grammatically correct, but successfully convey it’s intended meaning to an native English-speaking audience? I mean ‘Dispatch the Japanese trend to the world!’ is hardly shakespeare, but it’s bafflingly well-made for a product of Japan intended for foreign shores! I’m honestly impressed!

  57. Vergessen Held said, on July 7, 2007 at 5:41 am

    ‘Grats on your new job, Azzy. It’s good to know the Japanese haven’t lynched/Kancho’d to death/deported you.

  58. melissa said, on July 7, 2007 at 7:16 am

    that’s some pretty cute clothes they got there. too bad they don’t accept PayPal though. D:
    “The dot pattern print fabric with lace is placed at the chest. The square-neck T-shirt gives a girlish appeal. The perfect sweetness puts you in a very gentle mood.”
    heh, that’s kinda cute actually. awww. šŸ˜„
    (Az’s Note: PayPal support coming soon.)

  59. Raoul Duke said, on July 7, 2007 at 11:46 am

    The “slimming aids”
    AIDS will definately slim you in a quick hurry

  60. Anonymous said, on July 7, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    Good job finding employment.
    Damn there were some lines in this post that had me outright CONVULSING in laughter. And now my abs hurt.

  61. Anonymous said, on July 7, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    Good job finding employment.
    Damn there were some lines in this post that had me outright CONVULSING in laughter. And now my abs hurt.

  62. rubbav1 said, on July 7, 2007 at 4:52 pm

    **”D section MotherF**ker to you see it”
    Samuel L. Jackson, Librarian Detective

  63. Abizoath said, on July 8, 2007 at 12:21 am

    This is totally unrelated to the topic but this is for you Azrael, it will help wash away the pain of the Transformers movie in style!

  64. CHM said, on July 8, 2007 at 12:27 am

    not to nitpick. Okay nitpicking.
    Jshoppers is SLOWWWWWW. we’re talking a 20+ second load when i’m only a couple tiers down from a backbone, dude.

  65. Anonymous said, on July 8, 2007 at 1:57 am

    Customer service? OMG…you turned into the enemy. *recalls all the customer services of any company* They are evil I tells ya! EVIL!
    I am just joking. I just hope the job really doesn’t change you into those…”people.”

  66. Anonymous said, on July 8, 2007 at 1:57 am

    Customer service? OMG…you turned into the enemy. *recalls all the customer services of any company* They are evil I tells ya! EVIL!
    I am just joking. I just hope the job really doesn’t change you into those…”people.”

  67. Webbster said, on July 8, 2007 at 9:52 pm

    I loved the Tae-bo reference. Out of curiosity, are you suddenly getting a streak of “Hey, it’s Billy!” being yelled out whenever people see you? I notice the latest crazy muscleman black guy on TV here is this Billy guy. Everyone at work assumes I must know who he is because they advertise his videos as already being sold in america. It gets tiring having to explain how those things are only sold in commercials on networks people don’t normally watch… like Hallmark or lifetime. Or those infomercial channels.

  68. Chela said, on July 9, 2007 at 6:09 am

    Once again, great piece. Speaking of those sign holders, have you seen the ones who do tricks and stuff? Well, it turns out that if you’re good, you can make up to $70,000/year. Pretty good, right?
    I’m glad you found a new job. Can’t wait to hear more about it.

  69. Anonymous said, on July 9, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    dude, u changed, like a different personality now
    hmmm…. not so funny anymore.

  70. Anonymous said, on July 9, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    dude, u changed, like a different personality now
    hmmm…. not so funny anymore.

  71. Anonymous said, on July 9, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    “”Living (some kind of foreign gibberish)”; that is, deriving an occult popularity from the pseudo-archaic qualities of foreign language and characters?”
    BWAHAHAHAHAH ROFLMAO.
    an occult following… livin la vida loca is totally the new music of the satanic cults. Forget manson, we have Ricky!!

  72. Anonymous said, on July 9, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    “”Living (some kind of foreign gibberish)”; that is, deriving an occult popularity from the pseudo-archaic qualities of foreign language and characters?”
    BWAHAHAHAHAH ROFLMAO.
    an occult following… livin la vida loca is totally the new music of the satanic cults. Forget manson, we have Ricky!!

  73. trista said, on July 9, 2007 at 8:10 pm

    congratz on the job šŸ™‚

  74. Nate said, on July 9, 2007 at 11:26 pm

    Oh god I forgot all about Tae-Bo. His movie career was great.

  75. Colin said, on July 10, 2007 at 2:33 am

    If you ever feel bad about your current job, Az, I want you to think of me, and how I spend about 60% of my time as a waiter thinking about horrible things I could do to my boss, most of which involve cocktail sauce. And then I spend the rest of my time there doing the equivalent of dancing like a trained chimp for tips so I can hope to pay my rent. Also, I work with some of the most racist people you can imagine, so yeah…that’s fun.

  76. Patrick said, on July 11, 2007 at 6:29 pm

    I laughed out loud about the line re the women at the job thinking that the chances of being raped went up 300% after you walked in the office.
    We brothers get such a bad rap.
    I’m dating a Japanese woman who lives and works in the US. She was in Japan visiting family recently during which time a Japanese woman stayed at her place. When my girl was asked to describe me for purposes of the apt. key transfer she told the woman I was black. My girl said you could hear the fear in the woman’s voice as if she were, yes, calculating the chances that she would be ravished during her US sojourn. I just had to shake my head …

  77. Blues said, on July 12, 2007 at 2:36 am

    Wow a job with a bunch of 30 year old women. Some of who probably are, or want to cheat on their husbands. Or are single, and probably wonder how it’d be sleep with a black guy…. too bad you have those pesky morals, and wouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend… haha people like you have no luck.

  78. Tsubasa said, on July 14, 2007 at 12:04 am

    “Oh, and wearing out the pause button whenever Chun-Li did her spinning bird kick. Guys, don’t even try to pretend you didn’t do the same thing.”
    HAHA, i thought i was the only one that did that. Thank god for turbo pause controllers. Frame-by-frame goodness.

  79. Gaijin said, on July 14, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    Video game translation? Aww man, you mean you’d be getting rid of such wonders as “I AM ERROR.” or “IF ALL ELSE FAILS USE FIRE.” (Hey, I learned a lot from Zelda! And there’s lots of fun Engrish besides AYBABTU.)
    But then again, maybe you could do a translation like they did for Earthbound. I have no idea who translated it, but that script was a work of art.

  80. Dave D. said, on July 15, 2007 at 12:31 am

    Well congrats dude on getting a job! Hey at least it’s not teaching.

  81. Anonymous said, on July 15, 2007 at 7:19 am

    we get signal

  82. Anonymous said, on July 15, 2007 at 7:19 am

    we get signal

  83. Will said, on July 15, 2007 at 10:44 am

    Hey Az the Billy Blanks reference cracked me up šŸ™‚

  84. Checho said, on July 16, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    I think you should charge the company for the free advertising. I bet that their traffic (maybe even their sales) has climbed since you posted the url here

  85. bill said, on July 23, 2007 at 5:36 am

    I liked the tae-bo joke.

  86. Steeple said, on July 29, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    This may be late, but congratulations on your job! ^_^ I feel like popping out an “omotetou”, but that’d be repeating myself, huh?

  87. celestial-salamander said, on July 30, 2007 at 8:43 am

    Congratulations Gaijin-smash-guy, i actually doubted you would — or could — get a job as anything other then a high school ESL teacher.

  88. Soren said, on August 10, 2007 at 9:12 pm

    After just one look at their front page, I am thoroughly convinced that this company made a very good decision in hiring a native English speaker.

  89. Patrick said, on August 19, 2007 at 2:10 am

    Argh! Wearing out the pause button during Chun-Li’s special? You know me too well, sir.

  90. Anonymous said, on November 5, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    “I’m glad to be working a job where I no longer have to worry about anyone trying to grab my dick or stick fingers up my ass.”
    You clearly haven’t worked in fashion before.

  91. Anonymous said, on November 5, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    “I’m glad to be working a job where I no longer have to worry about anyone trying to grab my dick or stick fingers up my ass.”
    You clearly haven’t worked in fashion before.

  92. sam said, on March 9, 2008 at 1:36 am

    you might want to tell the company that on the jshoppers site, under “intimates – panties” there’s “hip hungers” which I’m assuming is supposed to be “hip huggers”

  93. Ishi said, on June 29, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    Congratulations on the new job. Im glad you never have to worry about anal perforation again…but you may have to worry about doing some perforating of your own OH! gigiddy-gigiddy ;). and as for the SF Chun-Li pause abuse…one may be inclined to say there has never been a SF where i haven’t found some way to pause the game while she’s doin that XD.


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