Gaijin Smash

House Husband

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on June 26, 2007

So I quit my job. In a perfect world, I would have my next job all lined up and waiting for me. And in this perfect world, that job would be something like professional cheesecake taster, or even better, actual-use condom tester. I would be paid generously, set my own schedule, and have ridiculous perks like always getting to fly first class, and free peanut butter whenever I saw fit.
Unfortunately, I do not live in a perfect world, which meant that being unemployed once again put me at home with a lot of free time on my hands. Furthermore, with my live-in girlfriend going to her proper job every weekday, that effectively made me a live-in house husband. I told her that she was perhaps the first, and quite possibly only/last Japanese girl to be the one bringing home the bacon while her mate lounges around at home doing nothing. Usually, I’m pretty happy to set precedents, but for some odd reason she didn’t seem too pleased with this one.
With my newfound free time on weekdays, I decided to explore an aspect of Japanese culture I’d never experienced before–that of the bored housewife. Though things are slowly changing, many women only hold career jobs until they get married, or pregnant (although pregnancy seems to follow marriage pretty darned quickly). The woman will quit her job to take care of the kid, but once all the kids in a household hit junior high school, the woman will pretty much be absolved of that duty, as kids seem to spend 85% of their lives at school. Some women may take on part-time jobs or other work to help pass the time. But for the rest…well, that’s what I set out to find out. Just what exactly is a day like for the average Japanese Peg Bundy, anyway?


Morning: TV
I usually like to sleep in on mornings, but with my girlfriend going off to work, it woke me up, and I found that I couldn’t go back to sleep. In that weird sort of funk where you’re awake but don’t necessarily want to do anything, really the only choice is to turn on the TV and sort of vegetate until you do properly wake up.
Now, I’ve ranted before that Japanese TV is the most horrible thing on the face of the Earth. I would like to correct myself, because I was wrong. Japanese morning TV is the most horrible thing that mankind has ever created. Like, God himself could come down and begin the Apocalypse, and if a small delegation of us approached him and said, “Why God, why?” And God’s answer was just to show us an hour of Japanese morning TV, we’d have to accept our rightful doom and quietly climb right down the mountain.
Luckily for me, there were a few sensational news stories at this time that kept things somewhat interesting. In one incident, a young girl accused her older brother of “having no dreams.” In response, the boy hit her in the head with a baseball bat, then choked her to death. He then chopped up her body in the hopes of hiding it, but was eventually found out. In another case, a salaryman came home drunkenly one night and passed out on his bed, only to have his wife kill him by smashing a wine bottle over his head. Finding that the body was far heavier to carry than she thought, she chopped him up into pieces, stuffed the parts into suitcases and bags, and dumped them in various places around Tokyo, at one point riding the trains with his severed head in a travel bag.
Now, all you unimaginative people out there would probably figure that news stories involving family members violently killed and then dismembered are plenty interesting on their own. Nope. Morning/Daytime Japanese TV features “Wide” shows, whose purpose is to take news stories such as these and exhaust every possible angle to the fullest degree. So, where we have a troubled and angry brother lashing out against his younger sister, the wide shows give us the possibility of an incestuous relationship, and the brother being jealous over the (big-breasted) younger sister dating a man 10 years her senior (probably for money). And it wasn’t just enough to know that the housewife killed and dismembered her husband, no–the wide shows produced scale-replicas of the apartment, complete with CGI rendering of how the husband drunkenly stumbled home, in what order the wife chopped him up in, and how she used potted plant soil to soak up the blood.
If I were God, *I* would be starting the Apocalypse over this shit.
Interestingly enough, I believe the brother and wife were first charged with “improper disposal of a dead body.” Some three weeks later, after extensive and exhaustive confessions, the brother was finally charged with murder. I never recall hearing the wife getting the murder charge. Although knowing the Japanese judicial system, the judge will give them seven years in jail and say something like, “What you did was very, very bad! Shame!”
What always amazes me about Japanese crime though is how quickly the guilty own up to it. There’s no lengthy trial, no DNA testing or forensics, it all seems pretty simple…
Police: So, um, your husband’s missing.
Woman: Yeah. I noticed.
Police: And you aren’t at all distressed about this?
Woman: I guess I should be, huh?
Police: You know, that’s kind of suspicious.
Woman: All right, you’ve got me. I admit it. I killed him. I bludgeoned him to death, and when his body was too heavy to carry, I chopped him up into travel-size pieces and dumped him all over Tokyo. If you like, I can mark on this map where the pieces you haven’t found are.
Police: That would be nice.
Woman: Also, would you like to know the brand of the potting soil I used to soak up his blood?
It’s quite different from how things work back in America…
Police: Holy shit, this woman has been stabbed to death. Hey you! Do you know what’s going on?
Guy: I don’t know officers, I just got here.
Police: Really? Cause her blood is all over your shirt.
Guy: Yeah, see, I just tripped and fell, she was already dead by the time I got here, honest.
Police: …You’re holding a knife.
Guy: …This isn’t mine. See, there was this guy, and just as I got here, he was like “hold this,” so I did, and then he ran away, and then you guys showed up.
Police: …Uh-huh. By the way, is your name David White?
Guy: Yeah, how’d you know that?
Police: Well, it looks like the woman managed to scribble “David White is my killer” in her blood before dying…
Guy: It was that dude! I told you, that dude who was here before! He ran up to me, and he was all, “Hey, what’s up? My name is David White, here hold this.” I remember that, cause I was like, “Whoa, this dude has the same name as me!” You need to be searching for that guy.
Police: Right. Well, results have come back from the lab, and we’ve found some of your semen on the victim.
Guy: What the fuck are you, CSI?!
Afternoon: Activity Time
Being thoroughly disgusted by Japanese TV will make one want to actually leave the house and do something productive. Many bored housewives use this opportunity to study English. They may visit one of the English conversation schools, study on their own, or enlist a private Gaijin English tutor. If the tutor is male and handsome enough, she may also enlist him for some “extracurricular” studying, if you catch my drift. Not that I know anything about that. Nosireebob.
Anyway, as it was pointless for me to study English (seeing in how me English are perfect anyways), I dedicated this time to going to the gym. It was actually a pretty good time to go–with only housewives and retired folks, the gym wasn’t at all too crowded, and I could work out in peace. Not to mention that sometimes I could observe some of the studio programs, and believe me when I tell you that there is nothing more amusing on this Earth than watching 60+ year old Japanese grannies practicing Hip Hop Dancing. I am seriously not even making that up.
With only housewives and retirees, I could work out in peace. For the most part. Sometimes the old folks would stop to marvel at me. Now, I work out with headphones, mostly because Japanese gym music fucking sucks (how in God’s green Earth are The Carpenters supposed to motivate me to do anything other than jump out the window?), but it also does a good job of keeping everyone else away. Most Japanese people don’t think I can speak Japanese anyway. So perhaps one day, these two old guys, seeing me with my headphones, and naturally assuming I wouldn’t understand anyway, decided to talk about me right in front of my face. Even if I didn’t understand Japanese, I’d like to think that I’d be at least somewhat clued in to two guys standing in front of me, pointing at me, and looking over my shoulder. Apparently, foreigners in Japan not only don’t understand Japanese, but are also fundamentally retarded as well.
Anyway, curious at to what they were saying, I put my “Techno Syndrome” (MORTAAAAAAL KOMBAAAAAAAAT!!!) on pause to hear the conversation.
Guy 1: Hey, look at this. Look at how much this guy is curling.
Guy 2: Wow, 45 kilos!
Guy 1: I certainly couldn’t even do that in my prime.
Guy 2: I think my daughter weighs 45 kilos. He’s basically arm-curling my daughter.
Guy 1: Why is he here? He doesn’t need to get any stronger. For what purpose could he be training?
Guy 2: It’s certainly very scary, isn’t it?
For a moment, I considered taking off my headphones and saying something like, “All the better to eat you with,” but I ultimately decided against it.
Evening: Dinner
With my girlfriend working hard everyday, I decided the least I could do for her was prepare dinner. Hey, I’ve got some culinary skills. My free time also afforded me the chance to expand my menu, try some new things. After finishing up at the gym, I’d swing by the local grocery store to pick up foodstuffs for the day’s meal. This was the prime time for housewives to be at the supermarket buying groceries for their home dinners –I could always tell it blew their minds to have not only a young male, but a young Gaijin male in their ranks.
It’s funny, because there are times when we foreigners just blow a Japanese person’s mind wide open, and they can’t handle it. Case in point–I wanted to cook teriyaki chicken one night. So I went to the supermarket to buy teriyaki sauce and couldn’t find it anywhere! I looked in sauces, spices, seasonings, but teriyaki was nowhere to be found. I figured the Japanese just had some wacky place they decided to keep it, so I asked a store clerk, a middle-aged Japanese woman, about it.
Me: Um, excuse me? Do you have teriyaki sauce?
Woman: *blinks daftly*
Me: Teriyaki sauce? Do you have teriyaki sauce?
Woman: Oh, no, we don’t.
Me: WTF?! How is this the country of teriyaki, yet you don’t sell teriyaki sauce?* Anyway, if I wanted to make teriyaki sauce, what would I need to buy?
Woman: Why would you want to make teriyaki sauce?
Me: Well, I’m cooking dinner tonight, and…
Woman: You’re cooking dinner?
Me: Well, yes, I wanted to make teriyaki chicken tonight, so I came to buy teriyaki sauce, but since you guys don’t have it, I guess I gotta make it.
Woman: You’re cooking dinner?
Me: Forget about it.
*I still have yet to find a supermarket that sells bottled teriyaki sauce. WTF is up with that? Seriously?
Night: Romance
My girl comes home from a hard day of work, and I have a nice, delicious, hot dinner waiting for her. After a short rest period, she takes a shower. Now, despite being unemployed, I’ve had an eventful day. I watched horrible, horrible TV, I went to the gym, I bought groceries, and I cooked dinner. I listened to my girlfriend gripe about her work. Now it was time to turn the lights down low, put on a little Barry White, and get it on. It was time for romance. It was time for me to get some. I hop in bed ready and waiting. She gets out of the shower, blow-dries her hair, and eventually joins me. “Oh man, I’m so tired!” she says, and she rolls over, and is asleep almost instantly.
What the fuck is this shit?
Man, I really am becoming Japanese. Did someone order a global apocalypse?

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99 Responses

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  1. Hachi said, on June 26, 2007 at 2:42 pm

    INGREDIENTS:
    * 1/2 cup soy sauce
    * 1/2 cup *mirin (sweet rice wine) (soy sauce
    : mirin = 1:1)
    * 2 tbsp sugar
    PREPARATION:
    Stick everything in a pan and mix it well. Simmer on low heat for about five minutes, remove from burner and let cool.
    *You can substitute mirin with sake and sugar (sake:sugar = 3:1) ** Adjust the amount of sugar, depending on your preference.
    Why buy a bottle that’s going to cost three times as much? 🙂

  2. Mojo said, on June 26, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    So you’re not looking for another job?

  3. Ash said, on June 26, 2007 at 2:50 pm

    Oh my god, Az. I died reading this.
    You’re becoming a house wench. Next thing you know, she’ll be waking you up in the morning and saying “Get in the kitchen bitch and make me a fucking sandwich.”
    I bet I’d like japanese tv in the morning.
    I like how they analyze all that weird shit, haha.

  4. Leon said, on June 26, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    Because of you I now know that I can’t expect japanese TV to distract me when i’m bored. And I am looking forward to “blow a Japanese person’s mind wide open.” Thank you kind sir

  5. Leila said, on June 26, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    That was hilarious. 🙂
    Thank you for the time you put into this blog!

  6. GringoDownSouth said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:02 pm

    Az, you are seriously screwing with the poor Japanese folk’s minds here. You are a Gaijin- that is hard enough to accept as it is, but now you are a stay-at-home Gaijin house-husband WHO COOKS? I think the faint pops I’m hearing are thousands of Japanese heads exploding.

  7. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    Yes! Why is there no teriyaki sauce in Japan? I am still confused by this. Maybe they just make it at home….I never saw it in grocery stores when I was living in Japan.

  8. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    Yes! Why is there no teriyaki sauce in Japan? I am still confused by this. Maybe they just make it at home….I never saw it in grocery stores when I was living in Japan.

  9. Lucie said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    Very fun to read. I’ve been watching some Japanese morning TV at a friend’s house the other day and it’s just as horrible as you describe it. And my friend even said it was fun. Errm — sure.

  10. 4letterwords said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:14 pm

    I believe teriyaki is a mixture of soysauce, Honteri (a brand of mirin, I believe) and a bit of sugar.
    I always mix 2 parts soy sauce, 1 part honteri, 1 tablespoon of chopped garlic, 1 teaspoon of mashed ginger, pepper and 1/2 teaspn of sugar. SOOOO good.

  11. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    You know, I’m surprised that over all this time and all these entries, you haven’t made allusions to Haruhi, or to what was easily the best school-related Japanese IP ever, GTO (Great Teacher Onizuka).
    Either way, at least this is still a funny and witty retelling of a real-life and ongoing “fish out of water” story. Keep it up! :3

  12. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    You know, I’m surprised that over all this time and all these entries, you haven’t made allusions to Haruhi, or to what was easily the best school-related Japanese IP ever, GTO (Great Teacher Onizuka).
    Either way, at least this is still a funny and witty retelling of a real-life and ongoing “fish out of water” story. Keep it up! :3

  13. Jonci said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:48 pm

    Well it is good to know, that while Japan is one of the safest countries, if you are going to be murdered, it won’t be boring news.

  14. Tmoo said, on June 26, 2007 at 3:56 pm

    i suppose housewives are stay-at-home so they’re not exhausted when the man wants some. :]

  15. Sam said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    This entry reminded me of a J-drama I’ve been watching, “At Home Dad”, where this guy loses his job just as his wife is offered one, and has to learn about taking care of his kids and the house.
    You should check it out; it might strike a chord.

  16. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    i don’t think teriyaki really exists in japan, does it? isn’t it more of an american thing, like california rolls?
    i never seemed to see teriyaki dishes in menus at all the restaurants i’ve been to there.
    ???

  17. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    i don’t think teriyaki really exists in japan, does it? isn’t it more of an american thing, like california rolls?
    i never seemed to see teriyaki dishes in menus at all the restaurants i’ve been to there.
    ???

  18. SomePlayer said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:28 pm

    Az, dude, that’s ,like, awesome!
    Once i get news of mass head poppings in Japan (bloody mess) I’ll know you just did something like buying washing powder and asking the clerk which one he/she would recommend, because you wanted to wash some clothes (of course just because there was no fresh clothes left/ the tower in the corner started smelling badly) Or something like that.
    Oh btw, i’d watch out what people say about you, since it might be you GF has to defend herself from being accused of neglecting her womanly duties by saying she has a black slave…

  19. anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:58 pm

    They probably don’t sell teriyaki sauce in Japan for the same reason they don’t sell pasta sauce in Italy: no self-respecting local would be caught dead buying something ready-made like that.

  20. Ali said, on June 26, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    The reason in Japan they always get a confession is because the police can hold suspects for some ridiculous length of time and put a lot of pressure on them to confess. This is why Japan can’t make any decent cop shows, being a cop in japan is about as much fun as folding t-shirts

  21. SlyEcho said, on June 26, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    Actually the sauce is called tare, and the instructions to make it are already given by other commenters. Seriously though, it wasn’t that hard to find out, it’s all on Wikipedia. Well maybe it wasn’t 6 months ago… Actually it was!

  22. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    wait… no teriyaki sauce in Japan? that’s like no Ketchup at a Wal-mart food section!?!?
    dude, hope you found something to do eventually.

  23. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    wait… no teriyaki sauce in Japan? that’s like no Ketchup at a Wal-mart food section!?!?
    dude, hope you found something to do eventually.

  24. Mitz said, on June 26, 2007 at 6:28 pm

    I just gave my husband a summary of your post, and he had the following suggestion he wanted me to pass on to you.
    “Dude, next time you go to the gym, wear a Godzilla T-shirt.”

  25. Blue said, on June 26, 2007 at 6:32 pm

    That second TV show sounds an awful lot like the plot of “Out” a really weird Japanese crime novel about a young woman who kills her drunken husband.
    She got her friends to chop the dude up and they dumped the body all over Tokyo.
    …Just a random note 🙂

  26. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    Teriaki was invented in Hawaii, not Japan! LOLOL!

  27. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    Teriaki was invented in Hawaii, not Japan! LOLOL!

  28. Tommy said, on June 26, 2007 at 7:43 pm

    I’ll be in Kyoto next week. I’ll keep an eye out for you ^_^

  29. Zantetsu said, on June 26, 2007 at 8:40 pm

    … The entire world knows men make better cooks than women anyway. You never see a woman being stereotyped as a master chef.
    *ahem* I really didn’t expect you becoming a househusband (and you’re not even married yet) any time soon but I kind of feel as if the stories are becoming satirical of Japanese life; Quite the complete polar opposite depictions seen in media such as anime.
    As tempting as it might get, don’t get a “Kiss the Cook” apron.

  30. Webbster said, on June 26, 2007 at 8:41 pm

    I came across the teriyaki sauce thing a couple of months ago. According to my girlfriend and her mom no one buys it, they just make it. There’s no set definition of teriyaki sauce either, they just put soy sauce, sugar, whatever alcohol is handy, and anything else in it they think will work that day. When I told them all teriyaki sauce was sold pre-made in bottles in america they told me they thought it would go bad too quickly to use.

  31. El-Ahrairah said, on June 26, 2007 at 9:01 pm

    “It’s quite different from how things work back in America…”
    You hit that nail on the head with that one. Here’s a remarkably similar case to the one you mentioned:
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18688528/
    She even sent herself a letter saying that she didn’t do it. God Bless America.

  32. I'm so much better than you said, on June 26, 2007 at 9:48 pm

    dude what a poser, I’ve lived in Japan for 4 years, done more women than even Tucker Max could imagine, and NEVER fucking taught Eglish. I hated those fucking JALT people so much, they swarm together likes flies on shit, and every time some stranger would ask if I taught English it would just piss me off. I am an Archeologist, living in Japan because I actually learned something including how to speak Japanese, but I never let on that fact when gettign women, they love it when you do not speak English…Anyway, I just wanted to say how your stories truly suck, nothing at all like me, a good looking single guy who can actually get any woman he wants, you are a fucking poser.

  33. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    you should be a stand up comedian you have a ot of good material

  34. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    you should be a stand up comedian you have a ot of good material

  35. Kohaku said, on June 26, 2007 at 10:00 pm

    Oh, I remember those stories….and the CGI renderings…crime in Japan is somewhat scary, theres no middle ground here, its either “non-existant” or “psychotic”….have they found the guy who killed the English teacher in Tokyo yet? Last I heard he was still “at large”….
    Poor baby, you were stuck at home…my guy friends used to get the same “mind-blowing” responses.
    “You cook? But you’re a man?!?”
    And the ONLY funnier thing than Japanese 60+ grannies doing hip hop dance, is watching the MEN do it! You’ll be laughing for days!
    BTW, who wants to be a master chef? I’d much rather be a cook. Chefs make the same damn meal, the same damn way all the time. A COOK makes it THEIR way and puts love in it. That cant be duplicated or mass produced like the so-called “master chefs”, I’d rather have someone’s grandmother “cook” me a delicious meal than go to some fancy, over-priced, ego driven chef’s resturant anyday.

  36. Meredith said, on June 26, 2007 at 11:36 pm

    So, apparently Japanese crime has two settings: non-existent, and From-the-mind-of-Edgar Allen Poe. Good to know.

  37. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    At least your sense of humor is still intact LOL
    I hv a feeling that this blog is one of the things that’s keeping you sane at the moment.
    Something’s good bound to come eventually..

  38. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    At least your sense of humor is still intact LOL
    I hv a feeling that this blog is one of the things that’s keeping you sane at the moment.
    Something’s good bound to come eventually..

  39. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    Dude, you curl 45 kilos? You are a monster.
    “…because I actually learned something including how to speak Japanese, but I never let on that fact when gettign women, they love it when you do not speak English”
    …what?

  40. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    Dude, you curl 45 kilos? You are a monster.
    “…because I actually learned something including how to speak Japanese, but I never let on that fact when gettign women, they love it when you do not speak English”
    …what?

  41. Prodigal Priest said, on June 27, 2007 at 12:01 am

    OMG, Az…. you’re turning into Michael Keaton! ^_^ Just without the kids or marriage.
    Bwahaha! I cook for my family too, but yeah….. it’s gonna be different over there 🙂 . And yes, I choose to make it from scratch instead of out of a package. Healthier that way.
    Good read as always, and hang in there 😉

  42. Brandon said, on June 27, 2007 at 1:00 am

    That hate-mail-like comment should go on OP9. Or maybe you just shouldn’t dignify it with a reaction.
    Hilarious story, by the way. When’s your book coming out?

  43. Ron said, on June 27, 2007 at 1:13 am

    My pop always said, “Anyone who can’t find work, ain’t looking hard enough”
    -Jayne Cobb

  44. Old School said, on June 27, 2007 at 2:35 am

    Holy crap, dude! Taichi Keaton is pissed at you for insulting his father’s homeland and he wants to kick your ass! Better start training; those SAS guys are hardcore.
    Congrats on earning your keep again, but it’s great to read about your experience as Peg Bundy if she could curl 100lbs and cook.

  45. z said, on June 27, 2007 at 2:59 am

    Really enjoy reading your blog Az. You have all but destroyed my inner Japanophile!! 🙂
    Hope things line up for you soon.
    As to the hater up there….either he’s got one odd sense of humor…Or I’m lost…Archeologist just never in my life equated to pussy magnet in my mind!! 🙂

  46. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 4:04 am

    Ignore the retard. I find it funny that an archeologist would use “dude” and “poser” a lot. For someone to claims to know a few things, he sure is moronic. Besides, who would hire him as an English teacher? Just looking at his pathetic paragraph. In fact he needs to go back to whatever he’s from and not fail english. No, wait! Better yet, he should stay over there and get hook on phonics (I hope you never run into him).
    Az, you made a difference. You did your job as best as you can and really cared about the kids(at least the good ones). If this idiot wants to be full of himself and a jerk, let him. You’re better than him. He’s probably a bad archeologist, seeing as how he just bangs STDs flesh bags.
    BTW: Marine Biologist > Archeologist
    Keep it up dude!

  47. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 4:04 am

    Ignore the retard. I find it funny that an archeologist would use “dude” and “poser” a lot. For someone to claims to know a few things, he sure is moronic. Besides, who would hire him as an English teacher? Just looking at his pathetic paragraph. In fact he needs to go back to whatever he’s from and not fail english. No, wait! Better yet, he should stay over there and get hook on phonics (I hope you never run into him).
    Az, you made a difference. You did your job as best as you can and really cared about the kids(at least the good ones). If this idiot wants to be full of himself and a jerk, let him. You’re better than him. He’s probably a bad archeologist, seeing as how he just bangs STDs flesh bags.
    BTW: Marine Biologist > Archeologist
    Keep it up dude!

  48. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 4:31 am

    Seriously, that archaeologist fellow is full of it. I happen to be an actual archaeologist, you know, one who actually got paid for it in my home country, and he sounds just like the frat boys that came along on field schools to get drunk and try to get laid. Here’s some truth for you, marra, archaeologists don’t make money. That’s why I’m an English teacher. Foreign archaeologists rarely get work in Japan. That’s why I’ve only volunteered on digs, not been paid, more’s the pity. As I’m sure you know, all the standard shovel bum work is done by retired folk and housewives, leaving the actual analysis work to the surplus of local graduates in archaeology. The only way you could get one of those jobs here, ones that are fiercely competitive even for locals, would be to be a particularly brilliant and persistent MA or Phd, which is somewhat contraindicated by your terrible writing style.
    As to the anonymous marine biologist, to quote some cultural icon or other, suck it.
    Oh, and Az, your storied are both entertaining and well written. How far in the past are we at this point? I seem to recall you quit your job in December, is this still from the winter?

  49. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 4:31 am

    Seriously, that archaeologist fellow is full of it. I happen to be an actual archaeologist, you know, one who actually got paid for it in my home country, and he sounds just like the frat boys that came along on field schools to get drunk and try to get laid. Here’s some truth for you, marra, archaeologists don’t make money. That’s why I’m an English teacher. Foreign archaeologists rarely get work in Japan. That’s why I’ve only volunteered on digs, not been paid, more’s the pity. As I’m sure you know, all the standard shovel bum work is done by retired folk and housewives, leaving the actual analysis work to the surplus of local graduates in archaeology. The only way you could get one of those jobs here, ones that are fiercely competitive even for locals, would be to be a particularly brilliant and persistent MA or Phd, which is somewhat contraindicated by your terrible writing style.
    As to the anonymous marine biologist, to quote some cultural icon or other, suck it.
    Oh, and Az, your storied are both entertaining and well written. How far in the past are we at this point? I seem to recall you quit your job in December, is this still from the winter?

  50. code monkey said, on June 27, 2007 at 6:07 am

    how long can/did you take this routine? how do you spice things up?

  51. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 6:09 am

    And then Az discovered what it was like to be a woman…congratulations.

  52. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 6:09 am

    And then Az discovered what it was like to be a woman…congratulations.

  53. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 7:59 am

    Hey, is that 45 kilos with one arm or with two? In your forums they said it is with two but I would like to hear it from the man himself.
    And if it is with one arm, are training for joining yakuza, k-1 or pride?

  54. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 7:59 am

    Hey, is that 45 kilos with one arm or with two? In your forums they said it is with two but I would like to hear it from the man himself.
    And if it is with one arm, are training for joining yakuza, k-1 or pride?

  55. Daniel said, on June 27, 2007 at 8:52 am
  56. Dargen said, on June 27, 2007 at 11:18 am

    Its always good to have your editorials here, passing the time, getting real good ROFL. Making me more interested to come to Japan and live for at least one year, probably with the rest of my friends after the army, see this shit for myself because this is just unbelievable crap and i am willing myself to be tested as a gaijin.
    Now if you thought that Japanese news are horrible you should hear ours (I am form Israel):
    The Narrator: Missile still keep falling down
    The Narrator: A woman got stabbed and killed
    and for the end
    The weatherman: Its going to be hotter than it was yesterday for the whole week.

  57. Journ-O-LST-3 said, on June 27, 2007 at 11:40 am

    100lbs? You’ve got me good and beat. A gym question, are the gyms in Japan friendly? I know it sounds a little wierd but so far here in the states I’ve pretty much met only nice people at gyms and alost anyone is willing to give advice about a specific exercise or just chat.
    Also, Indiana Jones = archaeologist, therefore archaeologist > marine biologist.

  58. DaveJ said, on June 27, 2007 at 11:56 am

    …My name actually is David White. Why does everyone think I’m a serial killer?

  59. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 2:32 pm

    Dargen: Cant be worse than the news in the states.
    News man: Paris Hilton!
    News Woman: Paris Hilton!!
    Weather man: Raining Paris Hilton!!!
    Larry King: Holy Sh*** Paris Hilton!!!!
    I would brave any storm of falling lead,explosions,the carpenters, rather than look at that smug anorexic Bi**h one more time.

  60. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2007 at 2:32 pm

    Dargen: Cant be worse than the news in the states.
    News man: Paris Hilton!
    News Woman: Paris Hilton!!
    Weather man: Raining Paris Hilton!!!
    Larry King: Holy Sh*** Paris Hilton!!!!
    I would brave any storm of falling lead,explosions,the carpenters, rather than look at that smug anorexic Bi**h one more time.

  61. noot said, on June 27, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    curling 100lbs is not that big of a deal lol I need to get back into lifting. I have since starting focusing on endurance and flexibility (medical issue) and let my lifting power,embarrassingly, slip quite a bit 😦
    Keep it up Az! Instead of curling little japanese girls, You’ll be curling little obasans before you know it!

  62. Captain Canada said, on June 27, 2007 at 6:39 pm

    Man…all my comments have already been taken up…I even looked up how to convert kilos to pounds…damn.
    Good use of Indiana Jones right there, really can’t have a comeback to that. Even if you’ve “done more women than even Tucker Max”. Douuuchheee baaagggg

  63. Shinkada said, on June 27, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    Promise to get pictures of all the Firsts.
    “My girlfriend’s first wifebeater.”
    “My girlfriend’s first mustard stain.”
    “The first time I fell down the stairs.”
    “This was the doorknob I fell on the other day!”
    Etc.

  64. Beelz said, on June 27, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    45KG?!
    I hope that is with both arms cause if it’s not you’re a freaking godzilla!

  65. Colin said, on June 27, 2007 at 9:49 pm

    “So perhaps one day, these two old guys, seeing me with my headphones, and naturally assuming I wouldn’t understand anyway, decided to talk about me right in front of my face. …Even if I didn’t understand Japanese, I’d like to think that I’d be at least somewhat clued in to two guys standing in front of me, pointing at me, and looking over my shoulder.”
    I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this on your site before (I’ve discussed it a lot with friends, though), but for some reason, Asian language speakers (not just Japanese people) in particular seem to do this far more than speakers of most European languages. So many times I’ve seen a group of Chinese or Korean exchange students in one of their protective 5-7 person knots start talking loudly about either myself or another person nearby, complete with gestures and (in several cases) actual pointing. My question is this: how stupid do they think non-Asians actually are? I mean, can we REALLY not figure out you’re talking about us if you’re STARING AT US AND POINTING? You don’t need to understand the words when the body language is so emphatically clear.

  66. Karna said, on June 27, 2007 at 10:39 pm

    Damn!
    ” listened to my girlfriend gripe about her work. Now it was time to turn the lights down low, put on a little Barry White, and get it on. It was time for romance. It was time for me to get some. I hop in bed ready and waiting. She gets out of the shower, blow-dries her hair, and eventually joins me. “Oh man, I’m so tired!” she says, and she rolls over, and is asleep almost instantly.
    …What the fuck is this shit?”
    ……damn…

  67. Anonymous said, on June 28, 2007 at 12:07 am

    Japanese justice system, I suggest watching the movie “Just didn’t do it”, should be in japanese.
    A suspect can be held for 48 hours without legal counsel or contact with the outside world. After that, he or she is turned over to the public prosecutor for another 24 hours of grilling. A judge can then grant a further ten days of detention, which can be renewed for another ten days.
    police and the prosecutors put most of their emphasis on getting a confession rather things like evidence. After all, confession is the first step in rehabilitating offenders. Also judges tend to not be so heavy handed on people who confess.

  68. Anonymous said, on June 28, 2007 at 12:07 am

    Japanese justice system, I suggest watching the movie “Just didn’t do it”, should be in japanese.
    A suspect can be held for 48 hours without legal counsel or contact with the outside world. After that, he or she is turned over to the public prosecutor for another 24 hours of grilling. A judge can then grant a further ten days of detention, which can be renewed for another ten days.
    police and the prosecutors put most of their emphasis on getting a confession rather things like evidence. After all, confession is the first step in rehabilitating offenders. Also judges tend to not be so heavy handed on people who confess.

  69. Anonymous said, on June 28, 2007 at 2:19 pm

    Four words that (once translated) will make your life so much easier.
    I lost the bet.
    I can not envision a country that produced however many generations of samurai failing to understand the importance of doing stupid and/or weird shit for the sake of honor.

  70. Anonymous said, on June 28, 2007 at 2:19 pm

    Four words that (once translated) will make your life so much easier.
    I lost the bet.
    I can not envision a country that produced however many generations of samurai failing to understand the importance of doing stupid and/or weird shit for the sake of honor.

  71. ShortWoman said, on June 28, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    Teriyaki sauce is as simple as equal parts shoyu and mirin. Add shriracha if you like it spicy. I know somebody said to put sugar in it, I don’t. That’s why you won’t find a bottle of “teriyaki sauce” in the store, because it’s too simple to make it fresh.

  72. Tmoo said, on June 28, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    “Indiana Jones = archaeologist, therefore archaeologist > marine biologist.”
    Fanboy-ism. Spreading idiocy across the internet.

  73. Anonymous said, on June 28, 2007 at 9:43 pm

    That totally went wrong. In fact, why am I “z”? I guess I used it incorrectly but…it was meant to be a Seinfeld reference. Futurama had a joke on them too. Kind of a “jerk store” thing. *sighs*

  74. Anonymous said, on June 28, 2007 at 9:43 pm

    That totally went wrong. In fact, why am I “z”? I guess I used it incorrectly but…it was meant to be a Seinfeld reference. Futurama had a joke on them too. Kind of a “jerk store” thing. *sighs*

  75. Defecron said, on June 28, 2007 at 10:31 pm

    “Fanboy-ism. Spreading idiocy across the internet.”
    Chuck Norris>Indiana Jones>The Marine Biologist guy>Paris Hilton
    (Az’s Note: Dog shit > dog shit covered in baby vomit > baby vomit covered dog shit left to cook on hot gravel for 4 hours > Paris Hilton)

  76. Rob said, on June 29, 2007 at 12:16 am

    When my wife did JET, I was total “hiro-yasumi”. It was awesome. Though the PE teacher at her school used to give me no end of shit about it. That was the best time to use “Eh, wakaran.” But he let me use the high school weight room, so… good times.

  77. Corey said, on June 29, 2007 at 4:58 am

    Thats what I really want to go to Japan for. Blow the hell out of Japanese people’s minds for just being there. And then just hear some people talking about me, thinking I don’t understand Japanese, and when they’re finished (or I think of something really, really good to say) I say one or two sentences and go back to what I was doing. I would just love to see their faces afterward. Priceless.
    Teriyaki sauce: $2.60
    Ingredients for teriyaki sauce: $1.20
    The ability to blow Japanese people’s minds so easily: Priceless!

  78. celestial-salamander said, on June 29, 2007 at 11:46 am

    When you met the woman who was surprised that you were cooking dinner, you should have told he about how it was because you where between jobs were thus keeping house will your girl friend brought home the money.
    Then you could watch as her head exploded.
    Boom!!

  79. Journ-O-LST-3 said, on July 2, 2007 at 2:21 pm

    Well, to be fair, no one would know who Paul the archaeologist is.

  80. Sarah said, on July 3, 2007 at 6:04 am

    ‘El-Ahraihrah’ was the name of the God of Rabbits in Watership Down. I wonder if the archaeologist asks the laydeez to call him that.
    Do you clean the apartment too, Az? Wearing one of those cute Japanese aprons that button across the back? I have one of those and I always feel so dainty and domestic if I cook wearing it.

  81. chaosrainz said, on July 3, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    you can order it from the Asian Food Grocer in California:
    http://www.asianfoodgrocer.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=1167
    How funny is that?

  82. Raspberihevn said, on July 4, 2007 at 1:56 am

    Have you read today’s mainichi news?
    http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/waiwai/news/20070703p2g00m0dm004000c.html

  83. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 9:04 pm

    Police: Right. Well, results have come back from the lab, and we’ve found some of your semen on the victim.
    Guy: Well.. this is where it gets awkward. You see, I’m a necrophiliac, and I…

  84. Anonymous said, on July 5, 2007 at 9:04 pm

    Police: Right. Well, results have come back from the lab, and we’ve found some of your semen on the victim.
    Guy: Well.. this is where it gets awkward. You see, I’m a necrophiliac, and I…

  85. Haley said, on July 6, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    Well, here is your ideal job, although it doesn’t appear to pay much!
    Stretch your talents as a condom tester..
    Fri Jul 6, 2007 9:41am ET145
    Oddly Enough News
    CANBERRA (Reuters) – Condom makers say it’s the world’s best job, a “sexecutive position.” An Australian company is seeking real life testers for its condom products.
    “Got what it takes to be an official condom tester?” asks an advertisement launched by Durex Australia next to a photo of a busty young woman in a revealing nurse’s outfit.
    “With this job on your CV, it really will be a chance to brag to your mates about the special skills you possess, not to mention that your new role will work wonders with the opposite sex,” Durex Marketing Manager Sam White told local media.
    The “bed-testing” position is unpaid, but 200 selected testers would be up for free pack of Durex products, plus a bonus prize of A$1,000 ($854) for one lucky winner, White said.
    In return, testers would have to report back on the feel and performance of the company’s products.
    Only Australians need apply, and would-be testers will be asked to explain why they should be considered. Humor would help in the application, Durex said.
    “To apply, simply explain why you think you’re right for the position (missionary is acceptable) and you could be eligible for the employee bonus of $1,000,” said the ad on Web site http://www.durex.com.au.
    © Reuters 2007. All Rights Reserved.
    (Az’s Note: I saw that too. I was joking about that, and then somehow it becomes reality. Amazing.)

  86. Thatguy said, on July 6, 2007 at 11:50 pm

    Please tell me that you didn’t get so bored as to get into Japanese hip-hop. THAT would be a tragedy. The Teriyaki Boyz and their single from Tokyo Drift is a sonic WMD.
    Teriyaki sauce=delicious
    Teriyaki Boyz=Tha Debbil!

  87. Belgand said, on July 13, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    Yeah, I know where you’re coming from… well, in America at least. While my girlfriend easily found a job after college, I’ve been looking and searching for over a year now. I already cooked a lot before then, but it’s weird how easily you adapt to the housewife stereotype regardless of gender. If not for TiVo, videogames, and the Internet I’m not certain how I’d manage to keep from getting amazingly bored. As it is though… well, it’s kinda like summer vacation all the time.
    Not sure how this is for others, but for me the highlight of almost every day is the mail coming. It’s one of the few contacts with the outside world that I have (c’mon, I can’t go anywhere, I’m broke as hell).

  88. Anonymous said, on July 19, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    I don’t understand this:
    “Interview: Ah, 2-kyuu. Oh, that’s cute. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA MY MOUTH?
    Me: Goddamnit.”
    Why would they have a problem with 2-kyuu?

  89. Anonymous said, on July 19, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    I don’t understand this:
    “Interview: Ah, 2-kyuu. Oh, that’s cute. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA MY MOUTH?
    Me: Goddamnit.”
    Why would they have a problem with 2-kyuu?

  90. Cho-Gaijin said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:06 pm

    Apparently, foreigners in Japan not only don’t understand Japanese, but are also fundamentally retarded as well.

    Classic.

  91. Sandra said, on August 9, 2007 at 4:18 am

    I’m a gaijin in Japan as well, and yes, it is pretty odd how people think you don’t understand pointing at you and talking in a critical tone of voice. Of course, I also understand Japanese, so…
    As for the person who mentioned how Japanese news had to be better than US news because the US news is obsessed with Paris Hilton… the Japanese morning wide shows are ALSO FUCKING OBSESSED with Paris Hilton, as well as Lohan. Seriously, they’re not even your own damn celebrities, just get over it and move on to your freaky crimes!

  92. Chiubakka180 said, on August 9, 2007 at 4:19 pm

    It’s funny how El-Ahrairah weirdo are just bragging about how much laid he had got in Japan… even if it’s true so, I bet it’s just because of his passport or the freshiness of his body color that interest those silly Japanese teen girls at that moment. “done more women than even Tucker Max” huh?? my ass, I bet they are all PORK CHOPS anyway… NOTHING GLORIOUS AT ALL!!
    AZ got personality and SPECIAL life, so he is different.
    Fuck haters

  93. Anonymous said, on September 6, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    yeah, any gaijin shithead can go hang out in roppongi and get laid fairly easily (by one of the girls who make a hobby of sleeping with gaijin). and maybe it’s a good thing to do once or twice, for the experience or whatever. but if that guy is actually still enjoying that life after four years in japan, well, i frankly feel bad for him. especially his herpes-ridden genitalia.

  94. Anonymous said, on September 6, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    yeah, any gaijin shithead can go hang out in roppongi and get laid fairly easily (by one of the girls who make a hobby of sleeping with gaijin). and maybe it’s a good thing to do once or twice, for the experience or whatever. but if that guy is actually still enjoying that life after four years in japan, well, i frankly feel bad for him. especially his herpes-ridden genitalia.

  95. Jonadab said, on July 2, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    > For a moment, I considered taking off my
    > headphones and saying something like,
    The ideal thing to say would have been along the lines of, “Say, would you two gentlemen like to help me for a moment, since you’re just standing around anyway? I need to do bench press next, and I’d like the two of you to hang on the bar and try to hold it down. That way it’s more of a challenge for me. If you help me with my workout, I promise I’ll show you my tattoo afterwards.”
    As for the teriyaki, American groceries don’t carry white sauce, because it’s just so easy to make fresh, and everyone already knows how.
    Incidentally, if you ever find yourself in this kind of spot again with a different food item, I have yet to hear of a kind of food that you can’t find dozens of recipes for by searching the Google Groups archives for rec.food.recipes. Teriyaki sauce? No problem, http://groups.google.com/groups?as_q=teriyaki+sauce&as_ugroup=rec.food.recipes Want to make walnut bars? http://groups.google.com/groups?as_q=walnut+bars&as_ugroup=rec.food.recipes
    Bagels, baked custard, haggis, kimchi, borsch, pasteys, cabbage rolls, key lime pie, Mrs. Field’s Cookies, … You name a food, somebody has posted a collection of recipes for it on rec.food.recipes at some point. Best. Usenet. Group. Ever.

  96. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    Apparently teriyaki sauce is another of those things that us foreigners associate with the Japanese but actually isn’t that popular in Japan (like anime for example). At least that’s what my girlfriend told me when I was wondering the same thing previously.

  97. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    Apparently teriyaki sauce is another of those things that us foreigners associate with the Japanese but actually isn’t that popular in Japan (like anime for example). At least that’s what my girlfriend told me when I was wondering the same thing previously.

  98. Cameron said, on August 9, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    Ohnono…it’s come to this. I guess by the time the warnings were sounded it was too late for you to heed them. It’s okay, man. I can offer you tips on cooking and home maintenance. But not without rubbing your nose in the fact that you’ve been bitched.
    Um. Seriously, I’m hoping this is just a short-term funk that you’re going to spectacularly pull out of. Down but not necessarily out, right?

  99. Jack Wood said, on May 1, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    I’m sorry if this was already mentioned earlier in the comments, but they don’t sell “teriyaki” sauce in Japan for much the same reason they don’t sell barbecue sauce in the South.
    It’s a sauce that’s supposed to replace a [I]style[/I] of cooking. These styles of cooking are deep-seated in their regions of origin. While one particular couple of marinade recipes have come to typify the style outside of those places, within them, it’s always just thrown together out of ingredients on hand.


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