Gaijin Smash

Bathroom Hijinks

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on May 24, 2007

Between classes one day, I went to go to the bathroom….That’s a perfectly normal thing, right?
I can’t speak for all schools across Japan, but for the five schools so far I’ve worked in, the faculty have their own separate bathrooms, which are not too far from the teachers’ room. I figure separate teacher and student bathrooms are a given though. I don’t think the teachers would ever want to share a bathroom with the students. Aside from any awkward issues that may arise, students tend to use the bathroom as some sort of haven to try and do the things/have the conversations they can’t normally have in the hallways. I’m sure students don’t want to share with the teachers either. Hell, *I* don’t want to share with the other teachers. But this is primarily because, at this school, there seems to be a male teacher who comes in every morning and makes it his first order of business to drop the fattest, most foul shit there ever was. Talk about dropping bombs on someone. I’m coming in after an hour long train ride and a 20 minute bus ride too, so I usually have to take a racehorse piss by the time I get to school. So then I’ve gotta hold my breath and try to power-piss it out before my lungs collapse, and I’m forced to take a deep breath of Japan’s gaseous counterattack for Hiroshima.
…Ahem. Anyway, I was going to the male teachers’ bathroom one day between classes, and as I got there, there was a ninensei girl loitering around near the door. She looks up and me and greets me, then simply asks, “Poo?” Now, out of all the things she could have said here–“Good Afternoon,” “Hey whazzup my Homie-G!” or even “Froinlaven!” I just wasn’t expecting “poo,” so my brain doesn’t process it. “What?” I ask her. “Poo? Poo?” She repeats several times, but I’m still lost. To illustrate her point, finally she takes a squatting stance, scrunches up her face, and makes a strained “HUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGHHH!” sound. And that’s when it hit me: this girl was trying to ask me if I was going to take a shit.
And again, what kind of Spruce Goose monster shits do Japanese people take to ever assume that kind of stance/make that noise? With all the fish and rice they eat, I’d assume it’d just come sliding out like a lean 10 year-old at a waterpark, but no, apparently they’ve got some beached whales stuck in the plumbing.
Anyway, call me a prude if you like, but I don’t particularly like discussing my bathroom habits, especially to a 14 year-old girl. I told her, “I’m gonna go No. 3” as I went into the bathroom, leaving her with a puzzled face. Unfortunately, as Japanese people are somewhat gullible, I may have just sparked a new rumor. “Americans can do a No. 3 when they go to the bathroom!” Soon to follow will be the expose TV show, in which Japanese celebrities try to get to the bottom (no pun intended) of what the infamous No. 3 could be. A chunky piss? A watery shit? The best of both worlds? Or something completely different? Tune in tonight at nine, following another episode of “Japanese celebrities eat something, then describe how delicious it is!” You can’t miss it.
Only later, did I come to ponder why this girl had been standing outside of the men’s faculty bathroom. I mean, the bathrooms are nowhere near the classrooms, so she had to have actively come here. And if you’re going to loiter around somewhere, why in front of a bathroom? I could only assume that perhaps she was jockeying for some extra credit. If, perhaps, her male history teacher happened to walk by, instead of asking him about “poo,” she might ask, “You know…I’m getting a C in history now…gonna take a piss? Anything I can help with?” But given how much scat there is in Japanese porn, No. 2 probably would have been possible as well. Knowing this girl, she probably would have been down for a hot fresh No. 3 too.


So I went into the bathroom to do my thing. No. 1, incidentally. I’m sure all men and most women here are familiar with the urinal–basically, a vertical toilet stuck on the wall so that we men don’t have to go through the hassle of trying to aim.
Although Japan has forcefully stripped me of much of my inhibitions, I’m still rather prudish when it comes to my bathroom time. I’ve already ranted about this in an Outpost Nine editorial. I think most guys have at least a somewhat similar stance. If you’re in a bathroom and there are other guys there, most guys will try to get as much of their junk inside of the urinal as possible, to shield Mr. Happy from curious wandering eyes. This results in us thrusting ourselves inside of the urinal, pretty much having sex with it, and trying very hard not to think of all the other guys before us that have done the exact same thing.
However, if we’re in the bathroom by ourselves, then we’re afforded a degree of relaxation. You can just stand there and let it all hang out–after all, who’s going to see it? And if the guy is feeling playful enough, he might even find little ways to amuse himself. Take a few steps back and play The Distance Game. Try to spell out your name with the piss stream. Wave your junk up and down to try to recreate that cool proton pack effect from The Ghostbusters. Stop and restart the stream a few times to work those kegels (to keep the ladies happy). These are the things we do when we know we don’t have to clean up the resulting mess. This is also just one of many reasons why, as I said before, having a penis is fuckin’ awesome.*
*Yeah, I know…they can have it in them…but it’s just not the same, honestly.
So, that’s how I was taking my piss that day. I wasn’t trying to recreate the Versailles Fountains or anything like that, but I was just standing there, relaxed, doing mah thang.
There is one more thing I have to explain about this bathroom. It had a very large, fairly open window. I can understand the need for a source to pure, outside air (especially after Mr. Atomic Shit), but this wasn’t like some thin ventilation window located high up near the ceiling. No, this was a full-blown open window, like the window in your living room or bedroom or something. And oh, it gets even better! The window opened up to…a staircase outside of the school. I’d understand if the window opened up to a wall, or a nursing home for the blind or something, but nope, the window faced a regular ‘ol corridor that everyone regularly used. I suppose somebody a few years ago had also noticed this, and had at least attempted to rectify the situation by planting bushes and trees near the window. And while that certainly did help, it wasn’t quite the Wall of Jericho I might have wanted here.
So there I was, standing there taking my piss, when suddenly I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Gaijin Sense is tingling! But…which one? Certainly, it couldn’t be Kancho Sense. I mean, I was all alone in the bathroom. And I swear to GOD, if I EVER get Kancho’d while in the fuckin’ bathroom, I’m going to leave Japan, and I’m not coming back until I’ve rounded up 10 black gunships so I can finish what Commodore Perry started. It couldn’t be Dodgedick Sense…I mean, unless a Japanese kid found a way to pop out of a urinal, I figured The Oldboy was pretty safe. But it kinda felt like Dodgedick Sense. Dodgedick and something else…something like the, “Oh shit something’s coming/already here!” sense…
…Fuck, the window!
I turn to see two boys just standing in the window, watching me take a piss. Surprised, I thrust myself into that bitch harder than Ron Jeremy. Realizing they’ve been noticed, one of the boys gives me a casual greeting. “Hey, what’s up?” he says, as if I’m not standing there holding my cock and pushing piss out of it. I think my warm and friendly reply went a little something like, “WTF! What are you doing?!” The boy, now realizing that I’m none too happy about this, says, “Oh crap, he’s pissed! We’d better get outta here!” He starts to leave, and motions for his friend to join him…but the friend doesn’t move. The other boy is just standing there, unmoving, not blinking, more or less transfixed on me and my schlong. I wanted to say something, but I was now thoroughly freaked by this Children of the Corn/stares into your soul shit.
The other boy takes Drew Starey by the arm and literally has to drag him away. The boy has still said nothing, and not so much as moved under his own power….I know I’ve said this time and time again, but seriously–what the FUCK! Who the hell just stares at somebody taking a piss? Not even just staring, no no, but becoming transfixed by it. I mean, okay, I know there’s this huge curiosity regarding black men and their big dicks or whatever, and getting to see a real live one would be a rare, possibly once-in-a-lifetime event. But, while I’m taking a piss?! I mean, I’d love to see Jessica Alba’s naughty bits, but I’m pretty sure if my *one* opportunity to do so would involve her taking a piss, I’d probably pass on that. And that’s Jessica Alba, quite possibly the hottest woman in the world!*
*Maxim’s Top 100 list is wrong, and obviously the editors over at Maxim are blind. And deaf. And mentally impaired. And Canadian. Or something, because, shit, Lindsay Lohan beating Jessica Alba?! Fuck no. Maybe, maybe Pre-Crisis Mean Girls Lohan might have had a chance, but not the broken shell of a whore she is now. I dunno what crack the Maxim editors were snorting…but they probably borrowed it from Lohan.
Anyway, so I guess two lucky Japanese boys have gotten to see Azrael Junior in all his pissing glory. Obviously, I need a new sense. The “Japanese Boys Are Watching You Take a Piss” Sense. This isn’t a sense I ever thought I’d need, but hey, I would have never figured I’d need a “Somebody’s Gonna Stick Fingers Up Your Ass” Sense either. You see, this is why Japan’s special.

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73 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:20 am

    The Ron Jeremy part was great..

  2. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:20 am

    The Ron Jeremy part was great..

  3. Ace said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:38 am

    “Oh, if I even catch your eyes wandering in my general direction, that’s an automatic elbow to the face.”
    So I take it some kids need an elbow to the face. A flying elbow, with a bionic arm or something.

  4. Brandon said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:40 am

    I remember the editorial.
    Also, if Perry had to contend with the same things as you, then maybe history would have written itself differently?

  5. carrotglace said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:04 am

    if i were you i’d have just nodded to the kids, and gave a cool “sup.” with the damage already done, might as well show the japanese why we think we are better than everyone.

  6. Shamie said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:46 am

    It could have been worse. What if it were a couple of girls looking? I don’t know, maybe that’s a matter of opinion, but you know how girls talk and that’d just end up weird. My theatre proff. (I’m not in that class by choice) told use about a theatre production where a man walked across the stage naked. The theatre was full of high school girls who giggled for the next 10 minutes because they just saw there first OMG-REAL penis. They had to close the play for the day because the giggling simply didn’t stop. Wow, random, sorry `bout that.

  7. Thanakil said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:49 am

    I’m canadian and I would put Jessica Alba in number 1 too, definitly, Lindsay Lohan can go to hell =/.
    And yeah, looking at someone take a piss… Even JA the hottie… It’s just WRONG, when something comes out of someone, no matter from where, it’s not sexy… A face when throwing up? Not sexy, ass doing No2? Not sexy, ect…

  8. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 4:47 am

    Time for some curtains or blinds.
    Possible with some phallic pattern 😉

  9. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 4:47 am

    Time for some curtains or blinds.
    Possible with some phallic pattern 😉

  10. ShadowCell said, on May 24, 2007 at 5:18 am

    It’s like some kind of weird, Bizarro version of the Michael Jackson thing. Instead of a white woman who used to be a black man getting all hot for little boys, it’s little boys who are getting all hot for a black man who is still a black man.

    Yeah, that’s pretty fuckin’ weird.

  11. Mayhem said, on May 24, 2007 at 5:58 am

    I really gotta stop reading these at work as I have to prevent myself from laughing so loud the whole building would hear. I guess even after all this time, there’s still stuff that surprises you Az?!

  12. Gordon said, on May 24, 2007 at 5:59 am

    This whole story reeks of WTF.
    …Damn funny though.

  13. Kohaku said, on May 24, 2007 at 6:04 am

    Taihen desu ne! (that’s tough!) I’m sorry….at least ALL they did was look. This IS Japan. Maybe you should carry around a few shiruken or a bb gun and just take aim when the little bastards show their faces. I went to an onsen today….the obaasans were in rare form. I havent been poked and prodded so much in my life. Not even in kids class. What is the need to stare and touch???? I feel ur pain….
    Jessica Alba is EASY the sexiest woman alive. Even straight girls would want to sleep with her. but NOT while she’s doing her business. ewww.

  14. Chibi said, on May 24, 2007 at 6:07 am

    They probably wouldn’t understand neither if you said No.2 or nibansuru or whatever… We usually said nibansuru everytime we thought of taking a dump, and that was infront of the “can’t understand an alien tongue like English” university girls… absolutely no one had a clue what it meant! I highly recommend it!!

  15. Josh T said, on May 24, 2007 at 6:46 am

    Never cross the streams!

  16. Ihmhi said, on May 24, 2007 at 7:22 am

    I… I am guilty of proton pack pissing. Usually I am very bored so… yeah.
    Ha ha yeah, never cross the streams!

  17. deathoxy said, on May 24, 2007 at 7:27 am

    May be they were just a group of a SUPAMAN fans.
    You know, it’s such a mystery process – changing clothes in a bathroom before some save-the-unverse-in-ten-seconds shit.
    As for me, I always knew you were SUPAMAN in disguise. So dont tell me its not true, please please please, please Az?

  18. Kerii-chan said, on May 24, 2007 at 7:40 am

    “*Yeah, I know…they can have it in them…but it’s just not the same, honestly.”
    Well, technically, guys can have it in them too, so it’s even less fair… *read way too much yaoi*

  19. kcxtremeaccord said, on May 24, 2007 at 9:36 am

    I agree that Jessica Alba is by far the hottest woman ever but i read in a another magazine that Lindsay Lohan was picked over Jessica because the tie breaker i guess comes from media exposure and other factors like that.
    AZ rules btw!

  20. Pete said, on May 24, 2007 at 10:11 am

    Comparing a perfect shit to a slim 10 year old coming out of a waterslide was pure genius. Great entry.

  21. not a doktor said, on May 24, 2007 at 10:32 am

    A #3 would be taking a vomit. . .
    . . .that seems oddly appropriate

  22. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 10:41 am

    I always sort of took it for granted that No. 3 would be a leisurely jerking-off in the urinal. I mean, it’s about the only valid option. I’m kinda surprised it didn’t occur to you, but hopefully it didn’t to her or anyone else she might have consulted.
    But who knows, maybe that’s why you had an audience. If there’s one thing I’ve learned here, it’s never to underestimate Japan.

  23. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 11:00 am

    I taught a student the meaning of No.1 and No.2 today. Nova nara ippai kikete ippai shabereru ne.

  24. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 11:00 am

    I taught a student the meaning of No.1 and No.2 today. Nova nara ippai kikete ippai shabereru ne.

  25. Az's Penis said, on May 24, 2007 at 11:12 am

    I know it’s hard to hide me being big ‘n all, but try harder god damnit.

  26. nescient said, on May 24, 2007 at 11:43 am

    Hey…I’m Canadian and female. Jessica Alba would definitely be higher on the list than Lindsay Lohan.

  27. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    “This is also just one of many reasons why, as I said before, having a penis is fuckin’ awesome.*”
    “Isn’t it often nice to have a Penis?
    Isn’t it frightfully good to have a Dong?
    It’s swell to have a Stiffy
    It’s divine to own a Dick
    From the tiniest little Tadger,
    To the world’s biggest Prick!
    So three cheers to your Willy or John Thomas!
    Hooray for your One-eyed Trouser Snake!
    Your Piece of Pork your Wife’s Best Friend Your Percy or your Cock,
    You can wrap it up in ribbons
    You can slip it in your sock
    But don’t take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock and you won’t. come. back.”
    Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, Mr. Creosote scene

  28. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    “This is also just one of many reasons why, as I said before, having a penis is fuckin’ awesome.*”
    “Isn’t it often nice to have a Penis?
    Isn’t it frightfully good to have a Dong?
    It’s swell to have a Stiffy
    It’s divine to own a Dick
    From the tiniest little Tadger,
    To the world’s biggest Prick!
    So three cheers to your Willy or John Thomas!
    Hooray for your One-eyed Trouser Snake!
    Your Piece of Pork your Wife’s Best Friend Your Percy or your Cock,
    You can wrap it up in ribbons
    You can slip it in your sock
    But don’t take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock and you won’t. come. back.”
    Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, Mr. Creosote scene

  29. cbimerrow said, on May 24, 2007 at 1:09 pm

    Pre-Crisis Mean Girls Lohan? *Pre-Crisis*? Just when I think I’ve got a handle on exactly how much of a geek you are, you zing one of these by me and just leave me awestruck. Bravo!
    BTW, TypeKey doesn’t seem to be working here for me…

  30. LeeGuy said, on May 24, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    I always thought a No. 3 was a combined piss and shit(1+2=3). Much more efficient, Az 😉

  31. Andrew said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    Froinlaven = Freakazoid ref?

  32. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Poor Az. Looks like there’s more exciting adventures to come at this new school~

  33. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Poor Az. Looks like there’s more exciting adventures to come at this new school~

  34. Gabe said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    At least you don’t have them kids using their ninja Naruto skills to Japan Kancho Stealth blast when your back it turned to the stalls… Right? … Right Az? … That is the next editorial isn’t it?

  35. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    My boyfriend thinks watching a girl piss is TURN-ON. I mean wtf is up with that? I’m glad there’s at least SOME sane men in the world.

  36. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    My boyfriend thinks watching a girl piss is TURN-ON. I mean wtf is up with that? I’m glad there’s at least SOME sane men in the world.

  37. Nick said, on May 24, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Hey Az – maybe the girl outside was the lookout / spotter for the 2 at the window 😛 Maybe they have a secret radio communication system to alert each other as to when you toot the trumpet, so to speak.

  38. Doubt said, on May 24, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    Maybe it’s the radiation…

  39. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 9:30 pm

    I always figured No. 3 was barfing.

  40. Anonymous said, on May 24, 2007 at 9:30 pm

    I always figured No. 3 was barfing.

  41. Patrick said, on May 24, 2007 at 10:42 pm

    See, this is why if I ever go to Japan, I’m going to wear fuckin’ full plate armor. I’ll have a big hunk of metal to swing out as a nut guard.
    Or maybe I should just take a phaser. Stun the little bastards. And who puts a window in a hallway anyway? I wonder if it originally opened onto an empty field, and the school just expanded.

  42. Dave D, said, on May 24, 2007 at 11:56 pm

    Sweet mercy, “Pre-crisis Lohan” was golden, you’re now my friggin’ hero. But yup, I’m another canuck who thinks Jessica Alba is one of the hottest women out there. Back to the article, that’s just bizarre; who the heck designs a bathroom and says. “Aaaaah, you know what this needs? A really freakin’ big window in the area near a stair well. Just think, someday a gaijin could be exposed for the joy of our students.” …riiiiight. Man, even going to the bathroom is crazy in japan heh.

  43. Anonymous said, on May 25, 2007 at 2:05 am

    I haven’t laughed like that in months. Thanks! 😀

  44. Anonymous said, on May 25, 2007 at 2:05 am

    I haven’t laughed like that in months. Thanks! 😀

  45. spongebob said, on May 25, 2007 at 2:49 am

    hey Az, a few days ago i accidentally found a website http://www.gaijinsmash.COM , so i wanted to ask if this site is somehow related to yours or not?
    (Az’s Note: No, it’s not.
    I can’t say I disapprove of it though…)

  46. Travis said, on May 25, 2007 at 5:31 am

    I feel like I have to say that Jessica Alba isn’t #1. Neither is Lohan, and I couldn’t tell you who I’d put at #1 because I don’t know, but I don’t think it’d be Alba.
    That said I suppose still top five material.

  47. Corey said, on May 25, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    hah sooooo true exceeeeeeept
    “And Canadian.”
    Oooooouch man, ouch, that hurt my Canadian patriotism (which I don’t even know why I have, seriously why are all Canadians so patriotic???). Although I don’t think Jessica Alba is the hottest woman she’s still WAAAAAY higher then Lindsay Lohan.

  48. Lexx said, on May 25, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    Their just curious of the BBC, of course you can be TOO curious…

  49. Mr. Bomberman said, on May 25, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    I mentioned a few times to my teachers and shit if I can take the pass and go to the bathroom to take a Number 3. They were lookin’ at me like I had 3 eyes or something, and had the whole class laughin’ their asses off.
    We need to uncover this mystery of the Number 3.

  50. Anonymous said, on May 26, 2007 at 6:12 am

    While I think Jessica Alba is absolutly stunning, she doesn’t quite do it for me (And it’s not jut because I’m Canadian). I’m not sure I can name a top girl. Some of my favs are:
    Catherine Zeta Jones (MILF)
    Katherine McPhee (Whats with me and that name?)
    Misa Campo http://www.modelgraphy.com/us/photos_1885.html

  51. Anonymous said, on May 26, 2007 at 6:12 am

    While I think Jessica Alba is absolutly stunning, she doesn’t quite do it for me (And it’s not jut because I’m Canadian). I’m not sure I can name a top girl. Some of my favs are:
    Catherine Zeta Jones (MILF)
    Katherine McPhee (Whats with me and that name?)
    Misa Campo http://www.modelgraphy.com/us/photos_1885.html

  52. Coma said, on May 26, 2007 at 10:48 am

    Doesn’t it suck having that window for the people outside too?
    I mean, even if Mr Brown Explosion didn’t do it this morning, it must still smell of piss walking up or down the stairs there.
    And all you said is true. Guys really do that shit with pissing all over the place – it’s the one reason why the male toilet smells of piss and the girls’ doesn’t… and it won’t until they have Spiderman-like ability to climb on walls.

  53. Prodigal Priest said, on May 26, 2007 at 12:29 pm

    They’re starting to come in the fucking teacher’s bathroom windows? O_O
    Dude…. seriously. You need a taser, or some kind of stun baton.

  54. Captain Canada said, on May 26, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    Dude. Natalie Portman is higher than Alba. Sorry. More Canadians read this then I thought…I’m not even insulted about the “and Canadian” thing….

  55. ANon said, on May 27, 2007 at 7:06 am

    Sorry homey, Lindsey Lohan > Jessica Alba

  56. Ljufa said, on May 27, 2007 at 8:40 am

    I really do feel like I’m missing out on some universal secrets by not having a penis. I mean, nobody gets excited over having a vagina. Shit no, quite the opposite. You bleed each month, and if you’re real lucky, you also suffer horrific pain for several days. What bullshit.
    I’ve always wondered – if guys are so homophobic, why do they piss out in the open with eachother? That’s one thing I’m VERY glad to not have grown up with.
    I also want to argue that the hottest women in the world would be ones that don’t need makeupfaces and photo edits to look good, and by want I mean don’t want, because I don’t care what anybody else thinks. (And they don’t care what I think).
    On another note, why on EARTH did I read something with “bathroom” in the title while I was eating? Augh..

  57. Azrael said, on May 27, 2007 at 8:13 pm

    “I mean, nobody gets excited over having a vagina.”
    Maybe girls don’t. But for us guys…we begin our lives emerging from a vagina, and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to get back into one.
    “I also want to argue that the hottest women in the world would be ones that don’t need makeupfaces and photo edits to look good”
    I agree there. I was just making a point, I can’t believe Lohan would rank #1 on any list that didn’t involve crackheads, much less beat out Jessica Alba.

  58. Kevin said, on May 28, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    Lol, can’t believe about the window– how could the kids even screw up the courage to look? I mean, you’re their teacher!
    BTW, you like Transformers, right? Excited about the new movie?

  59. Brodie said, on May 28, 2007 at 2:12 pm

    Something to consider, Az . . . Moral Orel, a deliciously scathing (and messed up) show on Adult Swim (one of the few television shows I actually try to watch) has already dealt with the concept of Number Three.
    Number One, gold as the sun.
    Number Two, I have to poo.
    Number Three, set my sperm free!
    Yeah . . .

  60. LeeGuy said, on May 28, 2007 at 2:29 pm

    “I can’t believe Lohan would rank #1 on any list that didn’t involve crackheads, much less beat out Jessica Alba.”
    On that note Az, Lindsay was arrested on the 27’th for DUI and for drug possesion (found her coke stash in her Benz)when she drove her car onto the curb.
    Alba is hot but not a number 1. BTW, whatever happened to former Maxim #1s Halle Berry, Beyonce, and Angelina Jolie. I suppose their hotness has fizzled out. So sad 😦

  61. Moo said, on May 28, 2007 at 8:57 pm

    LMAO!!! Oh man, the Japanese girl outside of the bathroom bit cracks me up.
    Maybe she was there to warn you about those boys at the window? Taking into account the WTFness of Japan, I wouldn’t be surprised.

  62. wordmerchant said, on May 29, 2007 at 9:59 pm

    Loved the “Pre-Crisis” comment. You fanboy.
    I may have some unsettling news about your Jess, though. I live in Vancouver (the Canadian one – and no, I wasn’t offended either), and JA was up here a couple years ago filming Fantastic Four. She actually happened to be eating at Cafe Crepe downtown (we get used to seeing celebs here, as I imagine you Callies do) and eventually went to use the washroom. A few minutes later, she left, and my girlfriend got up to use the facilities. She came back almost immediately with some interesting news:
    Her: “Jessica Alba didn’t flush.”
    Me: “What?”
    Her: “Seriously, I just went in there and the toilet wasn’t flushed.”
    Me: ” … Was it number one or number two?”
    The good news is, it was only number one. And in spite of this, she is still way hotter than Lohan, Pre-Crisis or otherwise.

  63. Billy Nitro said, on May 30, 2007 at 3:35 am

    Could the girl have been a lookout to tell the boys you were going to NOT do No. 2? It seems too suspect…

  64. Anonymous said, on June 3, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    Dude!! you were just as shocked as I was about the maxim’s top 100 list…. I’m a girl too and I’m straight and all… but yea… there’s no way Lindsay Lohan is number 1. I mean when she did mean girls she was cute and all… but there’s no way she beat out all those other girls…. just thought I had to say that…. anyways keep up the good work on developing new senses…. you never know… you might need one called “someone’s watching you jacking it”………………….
    Good Luck ^-^

  65. Anonymous said, on June 3, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    Dude!! you were just as shocked as I was about the maxim’s top 100 list…. I’m a girl too and I’m straight and all… but yea… there’s no way Lindsay Lohan is number 1. I mean when she did mean girls she was cute and all… but there’s no way she beat out all those other girls…. just thought I had to say that…. anyways keep up the good work on developing new senses…. you never know… you might need one called “someone’s watching you jacking it”………………….
    Good Luck ^-^

  66. Schillky said, on June 21, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    Dude… I’d take Jessica even if she was on the pot. Easily number one in my book. Well, right next to that babe from the RGX Bodyspray commercials… GODDAMN!

  67. ST said, on June 25, 2007 at 4:08 pm

    “This is also just one of many reasons why, as I said before, having a penis is fuckin’ awesome.*”
    Az, while I understand that a penis must indeed be absolutely awesome to have, and I would never, ever, want to say bad things about the equipment of the other gender (especially after having such excellent experiences with the few I’ve come in contact with) I would like to say that being female is also unbelievably fucking awesome, and I can sum it up in a few simple words: Endless. Multiple. Orgasms. No girl comfortable with herself and possessing either a good supply of batteries or a strong wrist has ever had a boring afternoon.
    And yes, Jessica Alba was cheated out of her rightful place. But who believes anything Maxim has to say, anyhow?

  68. Great K said, on July 3, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    you’re fukking awesome, man. im black and I dont use awesome much, but you’re fukking awesome, man.

  69. Bandersnatch said, on August 13, 2007 at 1:56 am

    She could of came to the conclusion that the No. 3 meant jerking it.
    Then I imagine that outside of a bathroom she knows only has one occupant, she hears you screaming “WTF! What are you doing?!” and assumes your shouting at your penis.

  70. BKE said, on August 20, 2007 at 10:33 pm

    Hey now! I’m Canadian and fully agree that Jessica Alba is possibly the hottest chick in the world! Don’t dis the Canadians! We can have good taste too!
    J/K

  71. Brian Haworth said, on August 27, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    Dave Barry had a section in his book Dave Barry Does Japan where he’s using a restroom on a train, minding his own business, then looks over at the door immediately next to him and it’s got a fully transparent window in it, and two japanese schoolgirls are giggling and staring at his junk.

  72. Max said, on August 29, 2007 at 7:04 pm

    Um… there’s a full-on window… in the bathroom… and you’re *ignoring it*?
    I hate to say it, but I’m a prude in the bathroom too, and if there are any kind of windows, even frosted, non-opening windows, I got an eye on those things at all times.
    Maybe you just failed to convey how easy it was not to notice it or something…

  73. Ell said, on September 11, 2007 at 12:13 am

    A somewhat belated comment, I must admit, but I felt obligated to speak out for Canadians everywhere.
    I thought Lohan she was cute in that remake of The Parent Trap when I was ten, but that’s about it. The people at Maxim are clearly too old for their jobs. Or possibly gay, and therefore not really the best choices for judging attractive women. I mean, hell, I was only twelve when I first saw Alba on Dark Angel, but I still thought she was hot, and I’m sure my fellow Canucks will agree that for all the crappy dialogue in The Fantastic Four, it was worth it to see Invisible Girl strip to her skivvies.


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