Co-Habitation Part II
So I started living with my girlfriend.
It was a really eye-opening experience for me. Y’see, there are a lot of things that guys just assume about living with girlfriends. I think one is that we’d get free and ready access to sex, whenever we wanted it. And I learned, that’s just not the case.
For all the girls in the audience, let me explain – the male sex drive is about as random as a lucky Lotto number generator. We could be sitting all alone at home, watching Tiny Toons reruns on TV, when suddenly our sex drive comes flaring up. There’s really no rhyme or reason to it at all – and don’t think it’s because we found Babs Bunny to be a hot little piece of rabbit ass (though, in her prime, she wasn’t too bad…). If said guy lives alone, thanks to the power of the internet (which is for porn), we can take care of this situation ourselves. But, we always think, “Now, wouldn’t it be nice if I had a girlfriend right here on call? No offence Mrs. Righticia Palmer, but there’s just no substitute for the real thing.” So we imagine that if our girlfriend were just there, we could turn to her and be like,
Guy: Whoa…suddenly I’m horny.
Girl: Oh really?
Guy: Yeah. Let’s do it.
Girl: Okay, sure.
And if things were really that easy, the world would be a wonderful place, full of sunshine and flowers, where every kitchen tap poured out free Cherry Coke, and random people would just walk up to you on the street and give you money. Of course, things are never that easy. EVER. Naturally, I can’t speak for all women, but with my girlfriend at least, she seems to have three very distinct sexual stages. The first was neutral. She wasn’t particular horny, but if I did stuff – kissed here, touched there, I could jump-start the engines. The second was a stage I like to call “Siberian Tundra”. Because it really didn’t matter what I did, there was going to be no starting that fire. I’d have better luck trying to create a campfire in the middle of the Russian Wasteland, with only a book of matches, and my sweaty socks. The final stage is “Nuclear Fission”. Regarding that stage, let me share with you all a little theory that I have.
Its a well-known fact that men are, in general, hornier than women. We want it all the time. If we don’t want it, we can go from wanting it very, very easily. It doesn’t take much – see a hot girl in sexy clothing. Just thinking about something sexual in nature. Imagining our favorite female friends/celebrities naked. Imagining ourselves in awesome sexual positions (threesome!). Successfully parrying all 15 hits of Chun-Li’s kick super, then doing a jump-in combo into super for the match. Like I said, it doesn’t take a whole lot to get us guys all revved up.
However, when a woman is all fired up…her sex drive is actually stronger than that of a man’s. It’s like the difference between a cigarette lighter, and a rocket ship. Not nearly as easy, but once you get it going that shit is hot. I say this, because, of several occasions, my girlfriend has actually raped me. It mostly happens in the morning, when I wake up to find that she has gotten the party started (and is halfway finished!) while I was still asleep. And that’s always an interesting sensation. “Huh…wha…? Oh wow, this is a great dream. …Waitaminute…I’m awake. Then, that means….THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!” Fuck Folgers, THAT is the best part of waking up.
The ironic thing about my life though, is that my girlfriend’s Nuclear Fission stage lasts for roughly two weeks…one of those being her period week. …I’m not even gonna bother asking “Why God why”, cause I know – he hate me. I don’t think this kind of thing happens in other areas of my life…
Waiter: Sir, here’s your menu…
Me: Thank you.
Waiter: But don’t bother looking at it, because we’re going to bring out a juicy prime cut steak, straight from Kobe.
Me: Oh wow, cool!
Waiter: With a side of potatoes, and a nice frosty beer to go with it.
Me: Hey, even better! But, how much is this going to cost me?
Waiter: Absolutely nothing. However, we are going dump this bucket of blood over your head as you eat.
Me: …I can live with that.
Sometimes, gentlemen, you just gotta learn how to sail those Crimson Seas.
But that Siberian Tundra week (sometimes two) is always kinda hard. A lot of women just don’t understand the special needs of men, and many actually *make things worse* for the poor guy…
Guy: Hey, let’s have sex.
Girl: Sorry, not in the mood.
Guy: ……….Ok. *goes off*
Girl: …Hey! Are you jacking off! Are you watching porn?! OMG, stop that!
Girl: Why do you need that stuff? You have me.
Guy: Okay, then lets have sex.
Girl: Not in the mood.
Guy: Ok, then I’m gonna go flog the dolphin.
Girl: You do, and I’m gonna be pissed.
Guy: *cries from the depths of his soul*
Luckily, my girlfriend isn’t difficult in that regard.
Me: Let’s have sex.
Girl: Sorry, not in the mood.
Me: Okay, I’m going to go jack off then.
Girl: Have fun. What porn are you gonna watch?
Me: I dunno…something lesbian?
Girl: Okay. If you download any new straight stuff, let me know and I’ll come watch.
It’s made even better by the fact that she hates Japanese porn almost as much as I do. Yep, she’s an American porn only girl.
Girl: I dunno, there’s something about Japanese porn that just makes it disgusting. That shit’s not sexy at all.
Me: Thank you.
Girl: American porn is much better. …Although, it doesn’t really look like sex. It looks more like….sports.
Me: That, my dear, is how non-Japanese people have sex.
Girl: Wow, the girl actually moves!
But I have learned a lot from living with my girlfriend. And yes, I do pull my share. At least, I do now. I’ve learned to look at it like a mission. You know, like Hiro Nakamura. “Save the cheerleader, save the world!” Except in my case, it’s “Clean the dishes, satisfy my penis!” Just as important.
And finally, reading the comments from the last post, there were a few girls who said that they were hornier than their boyfriends, and were sometimes sexually frustrated. For the girls who said that – can you tell me more about this Bizarro World you live in? Like, if you called a computer technical support line, do you speak to people who actually know stuff about computers? Is black licorice delicious over there? Is Avril Lavigne a talented singer? Does everyone have an evil goatee? Please, do share.