Gaijin Smash

Lord of the E-mail

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 27, 2007

Back before the Japanese teacher editorials, I used to check my Outpost Nine email everyday, hoping for a little reader feedback. I was always disappointed to find none. It was like finding a fire-truck shaped present under the Christmas tree, only to unwrap it and find a sweater with a yellow duck on the front.
Then I wrote the first 6 school teacher editorials. I posted the then-unfinished link on a message board I frequent, in response to a “What’s your job?” topic. The next day, I checked my email, expecting to find nothing as usual, and was surprised to see thirty new, shiny emails. It was a lot like finding a fire-truck shaped present under the Christmas tree, only to unwrap it and discover a Playboy Bunny.
However, it would all go snowballing out of control from there.
Happy to have people reading, I made my best to reply to every single mail. But as more people started reading, the number of mails I got in a day increased. My ability to answer mail started to decrease as well, and before I knew it I had a huge backlog. Before I stopped counting, I was over a thousand emails behind. I think it was at that point where I threw in the towel and conceeded that my mailbox was bigger than I was. Like I was Little Mac, preparing to take on pre-crazy Mike Tyson. Or like I was Mega Man trying to take on Magneto. …Not old ass Magneto from the X-Men movie franchise, not even comic book Magneto either. I mean video game Magneto, who is a Jewish ninja mutant on crack.
Nevertheless, I DID manage to at least read every mail I received. It was nice reading all the messages of praise, inspiration, and the handful of people who understood some of the obscure references I made (such as the MvC2 one above). I got a LOT of questions, and I tried to answer what I could. I also got some hate mail too – but really, that was more humorous than it was offensive.
Incidentally, for all readers who weren’t with me at Outpost Nine, you should really read the hate mails. They’re extra special. I’ll list them here for your convenience –
Hol ‘On Boy
Last One, I Swear
Black Man Lies
You Don’t Need to be Around Kids
More Mailbox Goodness


So now I’m on this blog software thing which allows for comments right there in the post. I have a love/hate relationship with the comments, I really do. But, I realized that I do actually miss getting mail from time to time. A little personalized note here or there. And occasionally, your coked-out hillbilly who thinks I’m molesting little boys.
For whatever reason, my outpostnine.com mailbox is really difficult to log into. Therefore, I’ve created another mailbox for Gaijin Smash/Outpost Nine use. If you want to shoot me an email for whatever reason, please do so at gtazrael atmarkhere gmail.com.
…Before you do that though, I do have a few mail guidelines, if you don’t mind.
Mails I Don’t Need
— Questions regarding JET. I’m only a (past) participant, not the spokesperson. I addressed many of the more common questions here in my FAQ. If you have questions aside from that, please ask JET directly, either through their website, or get in contact with the local branch through a career center. You might also try the Outpost Nine message board, where there are plenty of other former and current JET’s who might be able to answer your question, and if you search, you might find your question has already been asked and answered. …I’ve been known to show up from time to time as well (after all, it is MY board…)
— “Where’s good in Japan?” I’m not a Lonely Planet. I have no suggestions for you.
— “What’s the octopus?” I haven’t answered this question in three years. I’m not going to start now.
— Bots advertising cheap meds. I’m happy with my penis size, and I don’t need viagra, thank you very much. If you are a bot, go fuck yourself. (…Yes, I know the bot can’t read/comprehend/feel that…but writing it just made me feel a little better)
Mails I Would Love to Get
— Thoughts and comments regarding the latest editorial, or just in general. Good or bad, all are welcome.
— Any question that can’t be answered by a Google search.
— If you just want to share a similar experience, or how the such-and-such post reminded you of this one time…
— If I make an obscure reference that you catch, and you just want to shoot the breeze about it, be my guest.
— If I rant about not finding/not knowing/lacking something, and you happen to have some answers for me.
— Girls/women sending pictures of themselves scantily clad or otherwise naked are always welcome. Clothed is all right too, I suppose. Declarations of love or undying lust are also accepted. As always, men, you may keep your pictures and confessions to yourself.
— Occasionally, I get an email from someone who’s going to be visiting the Kyoto/Osaka area and would like to meet up. I don’t mind that at all. However, I do have a somewhat busy schedule, so it may or may not be possible. But do feel free to at least contact me, and I’ll see what I can do.
Again, I will read all mail. I can promise that. I can’t promise replies to everything, but gosh-darnit, I’ll do my best.

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33 Responses

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  1. Defectron said, on April 27, 2007 at 2:33 am

    Hmmm… I just thought of something when I read your new email address. Great Teacher Azrael, GTA as opposed to GTO. This is the same abreviation for Grand theft auto. If they made an anime called Great Teacher Azrael and shortened it to GTA alot of people would mistake that for Grand Theft Auto theyed pick it up expecting to have some guy stealing a car but instead it’d be some guy whose getting poked in the butt by a japanese boy……

  2. Crowley said, on April 27, 2007 at 2:38 am

    One day, I too will get away with posting “girls, send me nekkids? keke!” on the internet. I shake my fist at you, in both admiration and jealousy!
    (yes I know you’re joking. But not actually 🙂 ).

  3. Kohaku said, on April 27, 2007 at 7:11 am

    Thank you….I have now made my neighbors run upstairs and into my apartment wondering if I’m dying or being attacked by youma because I’m laughing uncontrollably and can’t breathe. Its been forever and 3 days (yup 3 whole days extra!) since I read the hate mail and other letters. Now that I have both assured my neighbors that I’m REALLY ok….dammit. Its SO much harder speaking Japanese when you can’t breathe!!!
    ps Did u like the pic? ha ha ha….

  4. A said, on April 27, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    Hmm.. maybe I’ll send along photos when I get home from work 😉

  5. Anonymous said, on April 27, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    The real question is, Defectron, would that cause a bigger scandal or a smaller one than regular GTA?

  6. Anonymous said, on April 28, 2007 at 4:39 am

    what about men dressed up as women?

  7. Anonymous said, on April 28, 2007 at 4:39 am

    what about men dressed up as women?

  8. Justin said, on April 28, 2007 at 5:49 am

    Hey Azrael, read your in box right about now when you get this because i got the inside scoop on the GIGOLO GAME!

  9. Druid said, on April 28, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    Most probablly less, me mon. But that’s only if there’s not a special delted scene called “Tea Parties with UltimateSweetness.”

  10. Makki said, on April 29, 2007 at 1:11 am

    I not a man of many words,”
    “Am” apparently not being one of those words.
    AHAHA MY FAVORITE ONE. LAUGHED MY ASS OFF

  11. Monica said, on April 30, 2007 at 12:04 am

    ur gta reminded me of gto, which is short for great teacher onizuka. it some how kinda reminds me on u, except that ur black. anyhoo, gto is about an ex-gangster that decides to become the greatest teacher in japan. u should watch the anime. i suggest youtube. thats where i saw it.

  12. celestial-salamander said, on April 30, 2007 at 12:14 am

    you posted a pituer of your ex?
    i’ve never seen it. where is it? is it still there?
    i like you ^_^
    (Az’s Note:

    Knock yourself out)

  13. Mr. Bomberman said, on April 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    Not just any lies mind you…black man lies. With…what…30% more sneakiness? A bucket of fried chicken with every black man lie? A little crack sprinkled on top?
    That was the funniest line you ever made. I even had this on my sig on the forum I had for a while.
    I even use some of youe lines in class (I’m a student in HS), like that one, but this time it was called “nigga lies.” I said that same line, and had my entire class laughin’ for like 5 minutes. seriously.
    Also that pic you posted of your ex, which I saw for the first time (It’s burned into my mind and I can’t look at it again), reminded me of something my forum buddy put up here.
    …And a quick warning, this article is designed to get reactions. (It didn’t affect my yellow fever though, lol ^^)
    http://web.archive.org/web/20060510003958/http://tehinter.net/articles/everythingelse/asianwomenugly.shtml
    The site’s remade, so that article’s only available through wayback.
    and 3: Just wait, my cousin will be sending you “something”, lol
    1, man.

  14. Mark said, on April 30, 2007 at 8:28 pm

    Hey Az,
    I really enjoy your blog, they are an encouragement to me and they make me happy. You have a creative writing style that is intriguing and thought-provoking. Keep it up. You’re very popular, and we have never seen your face!
    I am a public school teacher in high school, so I know some of the pains of teaching 40 teenagers the fun language of English. Good times.

  15. Shinkada said, on May 1, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    This is the first time I’ve heard the term “Oreo”. It is one of the greatest terms ever conceived. Also, after Whose Line is it Anyway, Wayne Brady is quite possibly my favourite comedian… Unfortunately, being white, my finding him funny really doesn’t do that much for his reputation. But oh well.
    And in regards to your ex… DAYUM. Would you LOOKIT THEM EYEBROWS.

  16. Jenna said, on May 2, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    You will now get 1 x 10^16 emails.

  17. Dante said, on May 2, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    The hate mail was really funny. So funny, that I decided you are the third greatest being in the universe.
    1. Chuck Norris
    2. Sephiroth
    3. Azrael
    You are destined to become a God.
    PS: I swear to God when I read your Hate Mail, I slapped lotion on my forehead and walked around in circles. You bastard, you.

  18. Chucky said, on May 4, 2007 at 8:43 am

    hi, i just wanted to write to defend az. i have never met him, but i have read his postings, and the things that he say happen, really do. i am also an english teach in japan. i have lived here for 3 years. and although i teach in an elementary school (not a jr. high school like az), very similar stuff happens. just the other day i had little kids (boys and girls) trying to wiggle their nimble little fingers up my ass! i have seen/heard/experienced the parts of japanese culture that az talks about. racism, sluts, apathy, sexism, and very wrong porn! and in his defense, he does a pretty good job of not being too biased, and he accurately depicts the way japan really is about 98% of the time. my wife is japanese and she laughs when she reads his postings because she knows its true. and as a gaijin (foreigner) and a teacher (non-white) in japan, i have very similar experiences. So…i suggest to all the haters who have never stepped foot in japan, to keep your hate mail to yourself. cuz if you dont know, NOW you know!

  19. Kelly said, on May 11, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    *snicker*
    I remember those back in the good ol’ O9 days…

  20. HWG said, on May 12, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    Just thought I’d let you know that i have been a follower of your editorials although not from the beginning I do remember the old days at Outpost Nine and your postings about the emails you get. 🙂
    They have definately been a great read for me not only as they are amusing but they depict life in Japan through unbiased eyes or in documentary format where hosts would try out local delicacies and say “hmmm that was delicious~~” when it’s obvious they think it’s weird.
    Although after reading your extensive descriptions of regular Japan life and their general attitude I’m still interested in visiting. (does that make me weird?) I do hope you continue to post your regular entries because they really are a joy to read and a great insight for those who have never been and not go there with a rose tinted view of the country.
    Thank you and take care.
    =X=

  21. Rachel said, on June 28, 2007 at 7:29 am

    lolol
    The “black man lies” are what gets me every single time
    I AM SICK OF YOU AND YOUR BLACK MAN LIES

  22. Anonymous said, on June 30, 2007 at 12:25 am

    I especially loved the one with the old broad who had to point out that you were black like 7 times. Personally, if I hadn’t seen pics, and you hadn’t said ‘black man’ I wouldn’t have even known. I mean, you’re not exactly spouting off ebonics. Meh, race schmace. I wish people would just others on the individual. But then, you seem to get that.

  23. Anonymous said, on June 30, 2007 at 12:25 am

    I especially loved the one with the old broad who had to point out that you were black like 7 times. Personally, if I hadn’t seen pics, and you hadn’t said ‘black man’ I wouldn’t have even known. I mean, you’re not exactly spouting off ebonics. Meh, race schmace. I wish people would just others on the individual. But then, you seem to get that.

  24. Anonymous said, on September 21, 2007 at 11:41 pm

    Re: hate mail, I know it’s a big country/world with access to the internet and a lot of people read this stuff, but still, wow. I can’t believe the things people actually think, say and write in response to what’s published.
    That “Hol’ on Boy” one is funny, I guess, and Az took it very well, but I still can’t help but be horrified by the bizarre, underlying stupidity of the person writing it to him. Where does this come from?
    Flabberghasted.
    As funny as Az’s replies are, I don’t know if I can handle reading anymore hate mail. I like Az too much and am too ashamed at how freakishly lame people can be. I feel like apologizing for the human race.

  25. Anonymous said, on September 21, 2007 at 11:41 pm

    Re: hate mail, I know it’s a big country/world with access to the internet and a lot of people read this stuff, but still, wow. I can’t believe the things people actually think, say and write in response to what’s published.
    That “Hol’ on Boy” one is funny, I guess, and Az took it very well, but I still can’t help but be horrified by the bizarre, underlying stupidity of the person writing it to him. Where does this come from?
    Flabberghasted.
    As funny as Az’s replies are, I don’t know if I can handle reading anymore hate mail. I like Az too much and am too ashamed at how freakishly lame people can be. I feel like apologizing for the human race.

  26. Anonymous said, on September 22, 2007 at 12:01 am

    I seriously cannot believe the racism Az is subjected to. Most of these editorials have absolutely nothing to do with being black. Yet what do people fixate on? Give me a break.
    How he can handle such absurd hate mail with admirable grace, humor and dignity, I know not. I’m ashamed. I just thank God he hasn’t let any of it get under his skin.
    And then people have the nerve to call HIM racist! Are you kidding me? Are people seriously having these thoughts? But he’s absolutely right. You simply can’t make up this kind of junk. There’s just no way I could handle getting e-mails like that. No way.
    God bless you, Az. You’re an incalculably strong individual, and it has nothing to do with being big and black. Fuck racism.

  27. Anonymous said, on September 22, 2007 at 12:01 am

    I seriously cannot believe the racism Az is subjected to. Most of these editorials have absolutely nothing to do with being black. Yet what do people fixate on? Give me a break.
    How he can handle such absurd hate mail with admirable grace, humor and dignity, I know not. I’m ashamed. I just thank God he hasn’t let any of it get under his skin.
    And then people have the nerve to call HIM racist! Are you kidding me? Are people seriously having these thoughts? But he’s absolutely right. You simply can’t make up this kind of junk. There’s just no way I could handle getting e-mails like that. No way.
    God bless you, Az. You’re an incalculably strong individual, and it has nothing to do with being big and black. Fuck racism.

  28. Ceri Cat said, on September 28, 2007 at 12:50 am

    Ah fun, I haven’t laughed so loud since the last time I got hatemail of my own for my writing. You know though that “Black man lies” bit reminds me of House where the black politician collapses at a conference, and later says to one of the doctors (don’t recall if it was House or one of his team at present) how he couldn’t afford to lie because unlike a white politican it’d destroy his campaign completely.
    Seen too many Australian kids getting upto stuff that is similar to the ghetto school to doubt anything you say Az, particularly since I do know how bad bullying gets in Japan from friends (or at least got to be in the 90s).

  29. KBchan said, on December 9, 2007 at 10:07 am

    Man, some people huh.
    Having been in the sweet system that is education in this country I can totally identify with what Az says.
    To the people who don’t get Az and feel like they need to put him down I say ‘try live the life and let’s see what you have to say after 3 years’.
    From a white female from a country not America.
    Az, when I see you next out there a thumbs up will be coming your way.

  30. Sam said, on March 8, 2008 at 3:32 am

    *wipes tears from the corners of eyes* just reading “more mailbox goodness” and honestly, I can’t stop laughing. You sir, are a genius 😄

  31. Anonymous said, on December 6, 2008 at 12:50 am

    In regards to the term Oreo, I hadn’t heard it before but here in Australia a slightly more common one is banana (Yellow on the outside etc), so the Oreo call reminded me of what my geography teacher (a guy of chinese descent) once said to my Physics teacher (a white Aussie bloke who speaks Chinese, total sinophile)- “You know, it’s fairly common in Australia to be like a banana, yellow on the outside but white on the inside. Not so common to be like an egg.”

  32. Anonymous said, on December 6, 2008 at 12:50 am

    In regards to the term Oreo, I hadn’t heard it before but here in Australia a slightly more common one is banana (Yellow on the outside etc), so the Oreo call reminded me of what my geography teacher (a guy of chinese descent) once said to my Physics teacher (a white Aussie bloke who speaks Chinese, total sinophile)- “You know, it’s fairly common in Australia to be like a banana, yellow on the outside but white on the inside. Not so common to be like an egg.”

  33. greatwolf08 said, on May 11, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    dear lord, i dont even know how to describe ur ex.
    all i can say is, im srry that u had to go through that


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