Gaijin Smash

3 Year Profile – Watson’s School

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 3, 2007

In my three years here, I never actually came up with a nickname for the third school.
Nicknames weren’t just for you guys’ benefit. I sometimes thought of the schools as “Ghetto School” or “School of Peace”, and often times used the nicknames with friends. The third school managed to elude a re-christening though. The Ghetto School and the School of Peace were two ends of an extreme – harmony and chaos as it were. The third school simply fell somewhere in the middle. Things were, for the most part, good. While the kids were not as angelic as the School of Peace kids, they were nowhere even near the level of Professional Hellbringer than the Ghetto School kids were. In fact, the only real thing that stands out about the school are Watson’s antics.
This school also gets the honor of being the one school of my three that really didn’t change much over the years. The faculty, for the most part, stayed constant, and though there were many interesting personalities among the students over the years, no one group of kids really stood out over the others.
If I were to give the school a nickname, it’d be something along the lines of “The OC” or “Kyoto 90210”. This school happens to be in the good part of town. I mean, the really good part of town. There’s a big Kansai Science City down here, and as a result the area is rapidly growing. Everything, including the school itself, is relatively new. And the people who live in this area are fairly well-off. So most of the kids live in pretty nice houses, and never have to worry about money or anything like that. In school, the vast majority of them seemed to play it straight – skipping class was rare, most everybody did their work, rarely did anyone ever talk back to a teacher.

Year 1
I started out with 4 English teachers. The head teacher was Mr. W, a sweetheart of an old guy who I came to view as a grandfather figure. There was another guy in his thirties, Mr. S. Mr. S simply always smelled like cigarettes. If you got within 5 feet of him, it was like you’d personally smoked half a pack. I don’t even think it was a matter of the smoke permeating his clothes – I think tobacco had just bonded with his DNA structure. There were two young girls as well, Ms. N (who I would later come to know as Ms. Americanized 2), and Ms. T. …Well, I considered them to be young as they were both in their late 20’s, but according to Japanese society since they were both unmarried and without boyfriends they were already old maids. Ms. N had done a lot of traveling, and spent some time in America (So.Cal no less) on a homestay. She was one of many girls who, after leaving Japan, found it to be too restrictive and rigid, especially towards women. Ms. N recognized that she probably wouldn’t be able to successfully date a Japanese man, and longed to one day return to America. I’m honestly not sure why Ms. T was still single – she was really cute. I told her so, and this lead to a running gag about our “Secret Relationship”. If the students teased her in class about being single, I’d go over and give her a hug or a pat on the back, and she’d say something loaded with innuendo like “Oh, save that for later!” The students heads would light on fire at the concept, but Ms. T was probably the most chill out of all the teachers I worked with, so she didn’t care.
Halfway through the first year, my desk was moved next to Noisy Fucker’s. This would begin a long campaign of complete and utter acoustical torment.
The students were, well, students. With no Ghetto School/School of Peace extremes, it’s hard to remember classes as a whole. I did run into an ichinensei kid who stole my superhero cape after my self-introduction. After I tried to take it back, he ran away, with the cape majestically flapping behind him. As he would eventually launch a 3-year campaign to either grab my Garguantuan Cock of African Descent, or kancho me all to hell as a consolation prize, I would come to nickname this kid Watson.
Unfortunately, I just don’t remember the sannensei at all. A few random faces sure, but with our short time together, nothing really left an impression.
…Except for one girl.
I want to reinforce the fact that I am in no way a pedophile. Not even a percentage of a percentage point. So, trust me when I tell you that this 15-year old girl had, without a doubt, the largest breasts I have ever seen on a Japanese woman. …EVER.
It also didn’t help matters that she wore her shirt WIDE OPEN. Kids in this school determined their coolness by how many buttons they opened on their polo shirt uniforms*. Most kids had at least one undone – most everyone else would un-do two or three, and those trying to be The Shit would leave all 4 buttons open. Girls included. Most girls, being as flat as Idaho, could actually get away with it (…what? They’re Japanese!). This girl couldn’t, yet she left all four buttons open anyway. What this meant, is that depending on where one stood, there were plenty of angles where you could see right into her shirt. Not even “down” her shirt, “into”. This, especially to a dedicated Breast Man such as myself, is the very definition of “Forbidden Temptation”.
Az’s Penis: Man, those are some of the nicest MELON TITS on this entire PLANET. C’mon you gotta look.
Az’s Heart: Eyes, belay that order!
Az’s Eyes: What’s going on?
Az’s Heart: This girl is fifteen years old. Fif-fucking-teen. It’s wrong.
Az’s Penis: It’s MELON TITS! A wonderful set of jugs are a wonderful set of jugs no matter what the age.
Az’s Anxiety: We shouldn’t look. What if we liked it? That would make us a pedo-bear.
Az’s Penis: I’m not asking you to use me on her, I’m just asking to you take a look. I mean, it’s MELON TITS! And her shirt is WIDE OPEN. It’s like 1000 “Best Christmases Ever!”, all rolled into one!
Az’s Heart: You know its wrong, and we’re not doing it.
Az’s Penis: Brain! Ignore Heart. Give the order to Eyes.
Az’s Brain: Oh, I’m so confused…
Az’s Legs: I say we should look.
Az’s Heart: …Hey! You’re not even involved in this!
Az’s Legs: Just thought I would chime in.
Az’s Penis: Thanks Legs! Brain, ignore those Heart and Anxiety pussies and tell Eyes to look!
*The interesting thing about this is that the male teachers would often chew out students for improperly wearing their uniforms…but they would only come down on the boys.
(Male student walks by with 2 buttons open)
Teacher: Hey! What do you think you’re doing! Are you trying to be a yakuza or something!
Boy: No.
Teacher: Then button up your shirt! Now!
Boy: Fine, fine. *grumbles*
(Female student walks by with all 4 buttons open)
Teacher: Good afternoon. Fine day, isn’t it?
It leads me to believe that Japanese men don’t have quite the internal struggle about this that I do.
Japanese Eyes: Hey, look at this.
Japanese Brain: Hmm. Her shirt is wide open. And, her skirt is a little high too.
Japanese Penis: See, what that means is we can see her small, budding little breasts and thighs without having to do too much work for it.
Japanese Heart: Sweet, I’m on board.
Japanese Anxiety: Me too.
Japanese Legs: I’ve been waiting all day.
Japanese Brain: Then let us peek at underaged schoolgirl with great vigor and excitement.
Japanese Penis: It’s like 1000 haiku about the beautiful sakura, all rolled up into one.
Year 2
Near the beginning of my second year, Mr. S began studying for some difficult English teacher qualification test he had to take. As a result, he started coming to school less and less, finally disappearing all-together in the second half of the year. Towards the end of the year, Mr. W was to retire – I was saddened by this, as I really liked working with him. His replacement was a woman I christened Pirate Blacktooth, but as she had just recently gotten married, naturally she was pregnant and left the school after only a few weeks. I dunno what the deal is with Japanese/Asian men, but it seems like they don’t take long after marriage to put a little something in the oven. I have yet to go to a Japanese wedding, but I’m starting to wonder if the ordaining priest doesn’t say “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now impregnate the bride.” Anyhow, with her arrival and the school being short of teachers, Mr. W came back to help as a part-timer, and I was glad to have him back.
This was the year I choose to don the Matsuken Samba outfit for my self-introduction. Ms. T proved that she’s one of the coolest teachers ever by actually wearing it herself. I asked pretty much all of my teachers if they’d like to try it, but they all turned down the opportunity with the quickness. Ms. T was the only one willing to give it a try. We did a few classes with her in the shiny gold kimono, while the kids just kind of gave her a “WTF are you doing?” look.
Midway through the year, the teachers changed their desks around. Homeroom teachers, if possible, stick with a class until graduation. Within the teachers room, there are four desk groupings – administrative, ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. As the sannensei graduated and a new class of ichinensei entered the school, the teachers homerooms would switch accordingly – ichinensei teachers would become ninensei teachers, nisennsei teacher to sannensei, and sannensei teachers would loop back and become ichinensei teachers. To me, it would make MUCH more sense to just re-label the desk groupings accordingly, but since this is Japan, where things like sense and praticality and neatly folded up and thrown right out the nearest window, what they did instead was MOVE all the ichinensei teachers to the ninensei desks, and so on. Exact same grouping of people, just now sitting at a different cluster of desks.
Anyway, whatever. I hoped the move would grant me a pardon from Noisy Fucker. I’d been moved to the administrative desk cluster for some reason – I hoped that either I or Noisy Fucker would be moved elsewhere. …Nope, didn’t happen. I’d be stuck with the Master of His Own Vocal Chords for at least another year. It’s nice to see that I’m hated not only by God, but by Budda as well. Equal opportunity deity hate.
And I did see Melon Tits once more after she’d graduated. I was walking to the train station, and in the distance I could see a girl wearing a brown dress. Since she was still a ways away, I didn’t know who it was, all I could see with a Japanese girl with nice legs and massive tits. As I approached, naturally my mind was thinking of all sorts of perverse and corrupted things, but when I got close enough to see that it was my former student, my heart sank.
All I know is that some Japanese high school boy is going to be one extremely lucky bastard.
Year 3
Year 3 brought little to no changes in the faculty. With Pirate Blacktooth’s pregnancy and subsequent maternity leave, Mr. W stayed on as a part-time teacher. Ms. N began to talk more liberally, and it was around this time when I started to think of her as Ms. Americanized 2. And, oh! Ms. T got married.
Appparently, Ms. T had started a secret relationship with one of the P.E. teachers. They both did a wonderful job of hiding it, as I had no idea. Mr. W only told me after the engagement had been decided, at which point Ms. T told him. The rest of the faculty and the students had been completely clueless to it. Ms. T was married sometime around the middle of my third year, then becoming Ms. I (though I and many of the students often slipped up and called her Ms. T by habit). By the time I left the school, she wasn’t pregnant…yet.
I later tried to apologize to Ms. T for having had so many sexual-innuendo loaded conversations while she was dating her future husband in year 2, but she wasn’t having it. “You think I didn’t enjoy that? Besides, who says we have to stop? You can be my pool-boy. …I don’t have a pool, but we don’t have to tell my husband that.”
On the student side, there was an ichinensei girl who I noticed had really, really good English pronounciation. I’m not talking about good for an ichinensei – I mean better than the English teachers, and on certain days, better than mine. I noticed it, but chalked it up to perhaps a good study efforts. However, one day near the end of the third year, I was walking down the halls when I ran into this girl and two of her friends, now ninensei. The friends were giggling and whispering something into her ear.
Me: (Japanese) Hey, what’s up?
Girl: (English) Yeah, so, these girls want me to ask you if you have a girlfriend?
Me: (English) Why didn’t they just ask me in Japanese?
Girl: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell them! (to the girls, in Japanese) Why don’t you ask him?
Other Girls: (Japanese) …Did he answer the question?
Girl: (English) Geez, Japanese people can be so stupid sometimes!
Me: Yeah. ….Wait, WTF?! You’re speaking English!
Girl: Psah, yeah!
Me: …You’re speaking *good* English. …How?
Girl: My family and I lived in America for a few years when I was younger.
Me: Really? Where?
Girl: …Alabama.
Me: …Oh my God, I’m so sorry.
Girl: Thank you GOD for understanding! (She said it exactly like this too.)
No offense to you Alabamians, but I just don’t think its a suitable environment for too many native Japanese. Kind of like the Mojave Desert to a goldfish. Or, the surface of the sun.
Me: Wow, so then English class must be really boring for you.
Girl: Ya. But your classes are totally fun, so I always look forward to that!
Me: Thanks! You know, I always thought your prounciation was exceptionally good. But, why didn’t you tell me you could speak English sooner?
Girl: (shrugs) Iono.
One thing about this school that sort of bugged me throughout my time was that something just seemed off. The students were all good for the most part – no real problem kids or anything like that. It’s hard to describe, but it seemed like there was a lot more to the story than that – a random comment here and there, some kids seeming to know more about certain subjects than they really should have. It always led me to wonder what went on outside of classes – what these kids did when the adults were watching. However, as I was an adult now (fuck, I’m not a Toys’R’Us kid anymore…), all I could do was speculate. One day late into my third year, one sannensei girl helped give me a window into this hidden world.
High school entrance exams were coming up. This girl was trying to get into a school which is well known for its international programs. She figured English was going to be a big part of the exams, and by her own admission she’d spaced out a lot in English class, so she wisely sought out my council for afterschool English lessons. Before I was to meet her one day, as I was planning to meet up with friends the next day, I’d bought some alcohol from the store. I had meant to put it away before meeting her, but I ran into her early. “Wow, that’s a lot of alcohol you’ve got there!” she points out. Embarrasedly, I tell her that it’s for friends, not all for me, but to pretend she never saw this from me. This student is unfazed. “Oh, don’t worry about trying to hide it or anything. I see this stuff all the time.” I thought she was referring to her parents perhaps, but she corrected me – “No, my friends. They drink all the time.”
She then told me about some of the afterschool habits of students from this school. Many of them drank. Heavily. “Like, you wouldn’t believe!” she says. A lot of them stole stuff. A lot were having sexual relationships/casual sex. Many people stayed up late, past 2 or 3 AM, chatting with friends or just wandering around the town. “And it’s not just the kids you might think it would be,” she says, “you’d be surprised. Like, you see the nicest, most polite girl in class, but really, she drinks every night and has had sex with over half the boys in the class.”
I wondered how any of these things were possible. This student, however, filled me in on this as well – “Easy. Our parents are never home. Or, they just don’t care. All we have to say is “I’m going out” and as long as we come home at a reasonable time, they don’t ask questions. But mostly, they’re just not home. Working all the time.” As for the alcohol – “C’mon – you know we can buy it fron vending machines, right? A lot of people just take it from home though. Or, steal it.” And while it was hard to try and picture these students partaking in the activities she said they were, it was all to easy to see how they would be able to do it if they were so inclined.
This particular student swore that she didn’t do any of these things though. And I know you’re thinking “sure – everyone except her, right?” But I believe her. On the contrary, she seemed to lament much of it. “It’s like – we’re doing things adults do, but we’re still just kids. We’re growing up too fast.” The fact that this student actually went through the extra effort on her own to further study English afterschool is proof enough that she wasn’t quite like the rest of the crowd.
Similar to the unseen chaos going on among the students, sometimes it seemed like all wasn’t well in the teacher’s room either. Sure, on the surface, everything looked fine – the teacher all worked together, no arguments or fights, no one quitting due to nervous breakdowns. But again, there were times when cracks in the armor could be seen. Ms. Americanized 2 often would tell me that the teachers actually didn’t like each other at all – they just kept it civil at work. One male teacher from this school was transferred during my second year to the School of Peace – I’d talk to him occasionally, and once he said – “I like it better here. Better teachers.” Ms. S of the School of Peace also once made a comment about unseen hatred in the teachers room.
So, if anything, this school seemed to be a perfect representation of Japanese society – where everything looks good and neat and clean on the outside, but really there are massive problems underneath the shiny polish. However, as long as everything looks good, then you can believe in the image and ignore the ugly reality. Japan truly is like The Matrix.
At any rate, no matter how ugly the reality was, or no matter how many times I had to keep Watson from trying to molest me at one end or another, trips to this school were usually always good. Though the kids weren’t as good as the School of Peace kids, they were more energetic and had more personality. Mr. W was like a grandfather to me, Ms. I (The Teacher Formerly Known as Ms. T) was one of the best English teachers I ever worked with, and Ms. Americanized 2 was also a lot of fun. Since I got to create my own schedule, I chose this school to be my last – it seemed like it would be fitting to end my journey on this assignment here.


61 Responses

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  1. Neil said, on April 3, 2007 at 12:43 am

    Well, it’s finally over, isn’t it? …Still hope there’ll be more editorials.

  2. Azrael said, on April 3, 2007 at 1:46 am

    I don’t know how to state it any clearer than that.

  3. Dan said, on April 3, 2007 at 2:19 am

    That conversation between body parts was hillarious, and I congratulate you on a strong will.

  4. ShadowCell said, on April 3, 2007 at 2:23 am

    Maybe you can try killing someone and writing it in blood on their walls.
    Always gets the message across pretty clearly.

  5. The Face Council said, on April 3, 2007 at 2:31 am

    The whole “clean on the outside, fracked up on the inside” thing applies in the US too. Sure, plenty of people from the bad parts of town cause problems in schools (and elsewhere in society), but quite often you’ll find rich kids who seem completely perfect and on top of things who do just as much shit as the expected troublemakers- but it all flies under the radar. Years ago, back in high school it was happening all the time. My school was basically the “rich kid school” in the nicer part of town- mostly middle to upper middle class types with a number of wealthy ones thrown in (And this has led to me be called a “rich Asian” once people find out where I went to school and what part of town I live in. So there’s an image in people’s minds). The school was generally a decent place to learn, with students scoring high on tests, receiving various honors, and that sort of thing. Yet, just like Watson’s school, there was all sorts of stuff going on beneath the surface. Students with high GPAs and high on the social ladder would frequently be seen partying and getting drunk of their asses. There was a lot of talk about expensive drugs. And all sorts of sex stories went around. And it wasn’t just the students. You only heard rumors about the teachers, but then the year after I graduated, a well liked teacher was fired (and is currently serving jail time if memory serves) for engaing in sexual acts after classes. I think most people will get the idea of the sort of place it was/is. Japan isn’t unique in having these Matrix-esque problems. They’re in the US too. And nobody really notices until something bad happens.

  6. Mr. Bomberman said, on April 3, 2007 at 2:57 am

    Wow, that “average” school.
    Sounds exactly like my old school, actually.
    Probably this time, your last day’ll be like a normal day… save for a few “people”…
    Anyway, nice job.
    PS: I would’ve did something I wouldn’t be proud of to the chick w/ the huge tits (j/k… or am I?)

  7. Thepenguin said, on April 3, 2007 at 3:02 am

    sweet, finally got a decent spot on the post to tell you that I’m not exaggerating when I say I have read every editorial that you have posted.
    Thanks for all the laughs, and doing your best to trying to expose some of the problems with the world this is no exception.
    so, wheres the book?

  8. BrianfromNazareth said, on April 3, 2007 at 3:08 am

    Isn’t it funny? Az wrote a whole editorial, that this is not the end yet there are stillpeople whining that this is the end. It seems that some register only kancho/grabdick stuff and everything else flies past them with the speed of APDSFS round.
    Considering todays theme, kids getting drunk what does that remind me of? Oh yeah my homeland. Like I hadn’t enough problems allready, on parties other kids made out like some phariah becouse I wouldn’t drink myself stupid with them. Excessive drinking is really problem here, but so it is through much of central, eastern and northern Europe.

  9. Megan said, on April 3, 2007 at 3:20 am

    “but since this is Japan, where things like sense and praticality and neatly folded up and thrown right out the nearest window”
    I cant possibly agree with you more. This statement so beautifully sums up how I feel that it brings tears to my eyes~

  10. Roland said, on April 3, 2007 at 3:50 am

    So it’s finally “Watson’s School” … I had been wondering how you’d end up calling it ^^
    I just hope the School of Peace doesn’t have these kind of outside-school problems … sounds really horrible …

  11. dude said, on April 3, 2007 at 3:52 am

    Az, have you ever thought about being a spokesperson?

  12. Tom said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:09 am

    But I still think your “melon tits” story is all lies. Or the girl’s not ethnic Japanese.

  13. Rebecca said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:14 am

    Looking forwards to what you come up with next! I’ve loved reading all about your exploits as a teacher, you have a way with words that is fantastic!
    Keep up the great work Az! You never fail to make me at least smile and usually laugh.

  14. Suzu said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:16 am

    Melon-tits reminds me of my Japanese friend. She’s FUCKIN’ TALL, has the most developed body out of her entire year level, and pretty much the whole school, and she’s, what, 13.
    It’s disturbing in a way.

  15. Dzonis said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:23 am

    what’s about Alabama? (let’s not forget that there is still some non-US readers too)

  16. Old School said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:47 am

    Let’s see: Biggest breasts Az has ever seen on a Japanese woman + It’s Japan + Az’s exaggeration + personal experience = D-cups (American). Reminds me of a past article:
    “It makes me think that Japan sends out scouts to scour the cities, plucking young, ample-breasted maidens off the street and rushing them to Tokyo to wear bikinis and bend over a lot in front of cameras.”
    Yeah, it won’t be long before God makes you perform for him again when you’re watching TV; it’s been nearly 2 years.

  17. Driver Driverson said, on April 3, 2007 at 7:15 am

    Dzonis theres a reason you’ve never heard of it, and if you value your sanity you’ll keep it that way.

  18. Mayhem said, on April 3, 2007 at 7:20 am

    Az’s inner torment struggles are always a laugh to read heh. And what about Lil Ms Americanized, why didn’t we hear about her earlier? (unless my memory is slipping).
    As for Alabama, according to a friend who was born and used to live there, it’s also rather like the Matrix. You can be told about it, but in the end the only way to understand is to see it for yourself…

  19. Sam said, on April 3, 2007 at 7:27 am

    To Dzonis-
    Alabama is one of the more Southern states and has the reputation for being very white, very racist, and filled with country bumpkins. Whether it deserves that reputation, I don’t know; never been there, but that’s the reputation.
    Az, I loled. I love these profiles you’ve been doing.

  20. ECE TA said, on April 3, 2007 at 10:39 am

    I’ve had the same problem with a female student dressing too provocatively. I’m a 1st year grad student and TA a freshman level electrical and computer engineering lab. First of all it’s a rarity to have white females in ECE class to start, but to have one who dress with a see-thur shirt and black bra predominately showing every bit of cleavage possible. This is a lab of 23 guys and 6 girls. I’m 4-5 years older than her and needless so say I’m sure my organs were having the same argument you had with melon tits. I feel your pain.

  21. SK said, on April 3, 2007 at 11:06 am

    I think it’s normal for everyone to be hiding something so likewise for Japanese schools, US schools, UK schools, etc etc might be hiding something unfathomable by the outsiders.
    Erm, I’m really sorry for saying this… ok I lied, actually I’m really interested to know whether anyone else thinks that Melon tits might be one of those… you know, AV idols. Roflmao.

  22. Lily said, on April 3, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    I agree with the above– Melon Tits does have that big bust appeal.

  23. Ihmhi said, on April 3, 2007 at 1:08 pm

    How many times has he said it… as of August 2006 he is no longer in the JET program. He plans to stay in Japan for at least a few more months. These editorials are currently a summary of everything he has done up UNTIL August 2006. That means there is still stuff from September 2006 until April 2007 that he has to talk about. Come on man, Gaijin Smash is not going ANYWHERE anytime soon. Besides, Az loves us all. Right Az? Daisuki, Matsuken-san! :3

  24. Anonymous said, on April 3, 2007 at 1:27 pm

    Do you think that fake facade people put up over there will ever fall away? Or would it bring about an end to their culture? In the west culturally people put alot of emphasis on honesty and being forthright. Seems like Japanese culture is counter to all of that. Smile in your face while they stab you in the back kind of thing.

  25. Anonymous said, on April 3, 2007 at 1:27 pm

    Do you think that fake facade people put up over there will ever fall away? Or would it bring about an end to their culture? In the west culturally people put alot of emphasis on honesty and being forthright. Seems like Japanese culture is counter to all of that. Smile in your face while they stab you in the back kind of thing.

  26. Jonah Rapp said, on April 3, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    I keep thinking your readers have finally got it through their heads, and then someone else posts an “O NOEZ!!1! IT IS TEH END!eleventyone!!” comment. Christ, people. For self-avowed readers, you sure seem to not be reading.
    As for me, I’m looking forward to hearing more about what you’ve been up to since you finished as a JET.

  27. Mob said, on April 3, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    For being the average school, I think this was your best profile of the three. Thanks for making my tuesday!

  28. Wayland said, on April 3, 2007 at 2:36 pm

    “School of Facades” is the name it should be deemed. Awesome write up and I don’t know how ANYONE has missed you saying that this was NOT THE END. Anywho, I look forward to your new stuff and what it’s going to be like. Good luck. Read you around.

  29. AapoAlas said, on April 3, 2007 at 3:51 pm

    What I still do not understand is that okay, quite a while back you said that your time as a JET ended in August 2006 (was it?). How come these texts are coming out now? Are you writing them like 8 months late? Or what the heck is the timing thing here? I’m really, utterly confused by this. I can’t really understand what’s the genuine truth and what’s the thing I misunderstood.

  30. Joost said, on April 3, 2007 at 5:57 pm

    You do realize that pedophile refers to someone who is attracted to prepubescent children.
    So if you like her for her huge tits you don’t qualify for the term even if she was 11.
    Pedophile no. Ephebophile maybe. 😉 😛

  31. Amie said, on April 3, 2007 at 6:32 pm

    I love the Alabama comment.
    I’ve lived in Alabama since I was seven years old. (Former military brat)
    Some areas are as bad as you think; others are not so bad. I still can’t wait to get out of here.
    It’s not a suitable environment for many people.

  32. Saiyanid said, on April 3, 2007 at 8:44 pm

    Incredible, this school actually sounds alot like my old High School. A private catholic school that put up a nice picture of itself to the public but had MAJOR partying, getting drunk sex, not so many drugs but other stuff as well. Though the teachers never got involved, they knew…exceot for maybe the principal…

  33. Ben said, on April 3, 2007 at 9:47 pm

    I guess I’m not the only one who thinks this school sounds exactly like what my middle and high schools were like in the US. I guess there are certain things about growing up that transcend cultures and nations (parents not around, too much money, hidden drugs and sex).

  34. Bully said, on April 3, 2007 at 9:48 pm

    In Japan’s defence, the entire 20th century was a rollercoaster ride for them, from Perry to the world war to today. Massive technologisation (ooh, I made up a word, I’m SO clever) pretty much bloody constantly. With such a massive amount of cultural change, especially in the face of such staunch traditionalists, you can’t exactly expect them to be all hunky dory. Obviously, the solution is to nuke them back to the stone age again and let them sort it all out.

  35. Patrick said, on April 3, 2007 at 11:00 pm

    I think a book would make a shitload of money. Consider it. Hell, I’d buy it and I’ve read everything posted here.

  36. Jonah Rapp said, on April 4, 2007 at 4:02 am

    Not ephebophile. Strictly speaking, that’s an attraction to adolescent boys. The word here is probably “parthenophile”, meaning attraction to pubescent girls — although the partheo- part means maiden or virgin, something which is becoming increasingly uncertain today. Especially, apparantly, in the House School of Cards.

  37. Zar said, on April 4, 2007 at 5:13 am

    az, do you want to see my boobies?
    (Az’s Note: Of course.
    …If you’re female. If not, then I respectfully decline.
    But if you are female, then of course.)

  38. Anonymous said, on April 4, 2007 at 7:51 am

    If Ms. I had gone the other way – by which I mean gone from being Ms. I to being Ms. T – then she would be even more incredibly awesome. But her husband would probably be too busy pitying foo’s to get her pregnant.

  39. Anonymous said, on April 4, 2007 at 7:51 am

    If Ms. I had gone the other way – by which I mean gone from being Ms. I to being Ms. T – then she would be even more incredibly awesome. But her husband would probably be too busy pitying foo’s to get her pregnant.

  40. Amy said, on April 5, 2007 at 3:31 am

    Girl: …Alabama.
    Me: …Oh my God, I’m so sorry.
    Girl: Thank you GOD for understanding!
    As an Alabamian I must say that sums it up completely.I have had the same conversation over and over.I’m white too.I wouldn’t say it’s The Matrix,it’s more like hell.A hell that not even sacrificing your sister can pull you from.I have 5….I mean 4 sisters,trust me,I’ve thought about it.I spent a year in the north and I realized the lie I was living.”Sweet Home Alabama”?Fuck no.And my parents just had to come back.

  41. Zar said, on April 5, 2007 at 3:33 am

    i’m very female. i actually read your editorial on OP9 about how every woman should love their breasts and i think it actually changed my outlook on my boobies! email me?

  42. Tia said, on April 5, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    Az, I’ll email you a pic, too, but first you have to tell me how to do the octopus. Include either pictures or a diagram. MWA-HA-HA-HA! (My phonetical representation of my evil laugh!)

  43. Azrael said, on April 5, 2007 at 6:29 pm

    As much as I want boobie pics (and trust me, I really want boobie pics) I just can’t release the octopus information upon the world. I can’t do it to my fellow man.
    I’ll just suck it up and perservere, I guess. ;_;

  44. Random said, on April 5, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    Or use Google. 🙂

  45. Happyhappy said, on April 6, 2007 at 3:39 am

    hey there’s nothing wrong with junior high kids having sex it was the same for me back in london… some of the girls would give your peen a good kissing if you bought them a box of cheap chocolates… ahhh… the good old days…

  46. Tia said, on April 6, 2007 at 11:09 am

    Well, technically if I *guess* the position, you would not be releasing any destructive information upon your fellow man. I’m thinking back to my college days…. I’m pretty sure I know how to do it, and, um, I never broke anyone’s winky. (Hmn…. Maybe I wasn’t doing it right….) Az, I may need a tutorial, perhaps a refresher course.
    (Az’s Note: Who’s the lucky test subject?
    …Or, unlucky depending on how rusty you are.)

  47. Anonymous said, on April 6, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    ouch… a Japanese person in Alabama is like a tall black person in Japan…

  48. Anonymous said, on April 6, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    ouch… a Japanese person in Alabama is like a tall black person in Japan…

  49. Amega said, on April 6, 2007 at 3:43 pm

    I am from Dallas, but live in Alabama (going to University here). Once I got past the massive culture shock, and the move from a big city to a small town, I learned to appreciate Alabama for what it is…..a little different, but not bad.
    Also, we have a fairly substantial Japanese exchange population at UA, most of whom are rfom Kansai or Chiba.

  50. Anonymous said, on April 6, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    Nice Pedobear Entry. Anonymous approves

  51. rubba said, on April 6, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    They are, are

  52. Tia said, on April 6, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    Test subject…. Don’t know. I don’t have a boyfriend but I’m sure my next boyfriend will be rewarded, repeatedly. (It’s been a while for me. In fact, I may need to call in the Army Corp of Engineers to penetrate. My next boyfriend will have a chiropractor on stand-by. And the only reason I’m writing this is because I’m posting far enough down that most people will not see this, you know, if you ignore the fact that this is on the world wide web.) So, if you let me guess this mystery position, you’d make my future boyfriend very, very happy. And I’m 28, by the way. You’re not chatting with a young’in.

  53. Azrael said, on April 6, 2007 at 10:02 pm

    But, why the Octopus? There are plenty of other good techniques out there that don’t involve the risk of penile harm. I say work on those for an even happier boyfriend.

  54. Wayland said, on April 7, 2007 at 3:16 am

    Az…where did that come from? hahaha You just bring in all kinds don’t you?

  55. Tia said, on April 7, 2007 at 9:09 am

    Why the octopus? Is it an overrated position? Assuming you do it correctly, and not break your johnson, I’m sure it has its rewards. It has garnered interest among your readers partly due to your stories and partly because over the year or so I’ve been reading your editorials you refuse to say exactly how to do this position. And, well, we all love a good mystery. Even if the discovery is a letdown, we all love to find out new and interesting things. When I meet someone and things progress to romance, I’ll be sure to take your advice and work on other positions too. 😉

  56. Tia said, on April 7, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    Eh, well, no one that reads these editorials has a dull sense of humor. Az can get away with joking around about Japanese jailbait because it’s his sense of humor and writing style. I can get away with talking about the Army Corp of Engineers because, well, anyone that reads Az’s editorials, including myself, has to appreciate an off-the-wall sense of humor.

  57. Azrael said, on April 8, 2007 at 8:43 am

    Well, Tia gets extra points in my book for being open about her sexuality. The world needs more girls like that.

  58. hachu said, on May 12, 2007 at 9:15 pm

    So what’s up with Alabama? The one time I visit Tokyo, I miss the last train of the evening. I’m rescued by a cute Japanese girl (and her boyfriend) who’s English is pretty good. This is partly because she’s planning on studying abroad in Alabama.
    Granted, I’ve never been to Alabama, but I’m imagining it to be pretty much like my old neighborhood where all the white people ask me “do you speak Asian?”
    It’d be nice if more Japanese girls came and visit NorCal 🙂

  59. Lauren C. said, on May 19, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    “The interesting thing about this is that the male teachers would often chew out students for improperly wearing their uniforms…but they would only come down on the boys.”
    They do this at my school too, but I know the reason (At least for an American school)– if they say anything to the girls, it means they noticed. and since girls are usually exposing their breasts or legs, it’s sexual. Only the female teachers feel comfortable scolding both genders on breaking the dress code.
    and I’d totally believe that chick who said that there’s a lot of sex and drinking going on- same happens at my school. I overhear kids talking all the time about how drunk they got last weekend or how they crashed their cars while drunk. (A kid I work with just told me today that he’s done that twice. he’s either 16 or 17.) the great thing about being a quiet, unassuming kid- you hear EVERYTHING.

  60. Bama said, on November 29, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    A bit late, but…
    I’m from Alabama, and for the most part, the hicks are concentrated in small areas. Of course, that doesn’t mean you won’t see your share of idiots who drive questionably street legal monster truck-like vehicles…
    If they’re studying abroad here, it’s likely in a college town, which has a fairly good amount of racial diversity. My school has a group that comes every year, whereas Troy University and the University of Alabama also have fairly large groups.
    I’m also applying for the JET for 2008.
    (and if I fail that, I guess I’ll have to settle for Interac)
    (And I also speak fluent Japanese. Take THAT Alabamian stereotype!)

  61. Daniel said, on July 30, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    ‘being as flat as Idaho’
    HAHAHA!!! I grew up in Idaho. Just wanna let you know that it is FAR From flat. You should say kansas or something next time. At least they get tornadoes…

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