Gaijin Smash

Goodbye, School of Peace

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 29, 2007

So I went to my last week at the School of Peace. I’d just finished my final stint ever at the Ghetto School – one down, two to go. I wasn’t too sad about leaving The Ghetto, but the School of Peace was a different story. I actually liked working there, and there would be a few people I really would miss, such as Ms. S, Principal Peace, and of course, Ultimate Sweetness.
The weekend before the final week at The Ghetto, I had received a call from Ms. Forehead, giving me a proper heads-up about what they wanted to do for my last class. I got no such call from the School of Peace. Not that this was abnormal – it was not at all uncommon for a teacher to drop by my desk and say, “Hey, um, we have class in about an hour…do you have any ideas?” I suppose this is one of the few jobs where someone can actually get away with this kind of thing, because I certainly don’t see it working in any other profession…
Nurse: Hello, Doctor?
Doc: Yes, what is it?
Nurse: Well, we have brain surgery operation coming up…
Doc: I see. What’s the timetable? Two months from now? Three months?
Nurse: Um, 15 minutes from now.
Nurse: We’ve already scalped him ‘n shit, so somebody’s gotta operate, and you do happen to be the brain surgeon…
English teaching is a far cry from brain surgery, absolutely. But still, some advance warning would be nice. Having become a three-year veteran, I came to anticipate the random calls to class, and always have some sort of backup/fallback plan at the ready. Perhaps this is why the teachers kept doing it to me, then they knew they could get away with it. I always wanted to just kind of sit there, give them a blank look, and say “No.” But heading into my final week, I hadn’t done it yet, and it was kind of too late to start.

I arrived on Monday morning, and Ms. S soon came over to let me know that I would be having a ninensei class with Mr. Horse Face third period. She said that Mr. Horse Face himself would come by eventually to plan the class with me. Mr. Horse Face has a really bad track record with this, but it’s my last week, and this could possibly be my last class with the ninensei. Surely, he won’t slip up this time, right?
First and second periods come and go. Nothing. Third period comes, and Mr. Horse Face literally has not said one word to me until, after the bell has rung, he says, “Ok, let’s go to class.” Now, given that I have had NO preparation or planning time whatsoever, I’m kind of thinking that maybe this is just going to be a regular class. Something where planning is unnecessary, like the Human Tape Recorder lessons. It is Monday after all – maybe I’ll have class with the ninensei later this week, and that’ll be the last class. Yeah, that all makes sense.
We get to class, and after the standard greeting, Mr. Horse Face addresses the class. “Now everybody, this is your last class with Az-sensei.” (turns to me) “So, um, do you have any ideas?”
….Goddamn Horse Face.
Getting the whole, “So, we’ve got class…do you have any ideas?” thing is annoying, right? It’s annoying an hour before class. It’s annoying ten minutes before class. But it’s a special kind of annoying to get hit with it five minutes into your last class ever with these kids. And I don’t mean “Fun!” annoying, like trying to jump over that impossible platform in Mario Bros to try and get the power-up. I mean annoying like, in Tetris, you’ve built yourself a nice stack, and you’re just waiting for the Tetris piece, and the damn game keeps sending you square blocks. Or, the entire game of Battletoads.
I really, really, really wanted to just stand there, say “no” and then just stare at him for 50 minutes. But, this was my LAST class with these kids! If anything, I and the students would have been the losers. So I modified the lesson I did for the Ghetto School and used it here. And by “modify,” I mean “use the Bizarro World” version. Seriously – in the Ghetto School version, there were parts where I took into account kids in the back playing Game Boy, listening to music, jumping out windows, playing with their cell phones, or having raw unprotected sex. But for the School of Peace version, I had to change that to a class of 30 kids paying rapt, undivided attention.
After class, my favorite Dynamic Duo came up to hassle me one more time. No, I don’t mean Ms. Americanized and Ms. Forehead. I don’t mean beer and steak. I’m not even talking about strawberry syrup and cheesecake. I’m taking about Penis Boy and Gropey. These two have formed quite a bond (over their perversion?). I imagine they could one day form an elite crime-fighting unit. Upon chasing the criminal down, Penis Boy could just whip his junk out, and while the criminal is distracted, Gropey could go feel him up a bit. I don’t know about you, but if I’d been the criminal, I’d drop whatever it was I was stealing and check myself into the nearest jail immediately.
Anyway, Penis Boy and Gropey come for a talk.
Penis Boy: Aw, you’re leaving.
Me: Wow, you seem genuinely sad.
Penis Boy: Well, I’m probably never going to be this close to black penis again. I wanted to see how great it was.
Me: Congratulations. That’s among the most fucked up things I’ve ever heard.
Gropey: You don’t understand because you live with it everyday. But for us Japanese, it’s like a legend, or a myth.
Me: …And thus it will stay that way.
Penis Boy: Oh well. Look at the bright side. Maybe his replacement will be a hot foreign girl.
Gropey: Yeah! With big tits!
Me: Sorry to burst your bubble, but my replacement is male.
Both: ….Aw!
Me: …And he’s not black.
Both: ….AW!
You might figure that this kind of behavior would subside once these boys get older. …Nope, not necessarily.
Principal Peace: So, do you know who’s replacing you yet?
Me: Yeah, a guy-
Principal Peace: …Guy?
Me: …Yeah?
Principal Peace: …DAMN! I was really hoping for a hot girl this time around.
Me: …Sorry?
Principal Peace: I was hoping for one when you came. Do you have any idea how disappointed I was? You are like the complete opposite of a hot girl.
Me: …I’m not quite sure what to say to that.
Principal Peace: And then you went and stayed for three years, so I kept waiting, and I kept thinking, “It’s gotta be a girl next!” But then you go and crush my dreams.
Me: …Nice to know my time was appreciated here? But anyway, you’ve got Ms. C here now, isn’t that enough?
Principal Peace: Ms. C is REALLY beautiful.
Me: Well, there you go.
Principal Peace: But, you shouldn’t say those kinds of things – you have a girlfriend.
Me: Well, you’re married.
Principal Peace: Yeah? But I’m Japanese. It doesn’t count.
Me: What, infidelity?
Principal Peace: Precisely! How many Japanese couples do you know that are actually faithful to each other?
Me: Well…uh…damn, you’ve got a point.
Principal Peace: Which is exactly why I wanted a cute foreign girl, but you had to go and crush those dreams, didn’t you?
Eventually, we came to Friday, my last day at the School of Peace. After finishing all of my classes, Ms. C asked me to come to the auditorium with her. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I knew better than to expect some animalistic surprise goodbye sex. What I found waiting for me was the entire ichinensei class. As I entered the auditorium, they gathered around me and sung one of those sad chorus songs – you know, thanks for the memories and see you again, that type of deal. I’ll admit, I had a little something in my eye there.
Then, the ichinensei sent two representatives – a boy and girl from each class, to read me a speech they had prepared in English (with a lot of help from Ms. C, of course). Whatever false bravado machismo I might have had, went flying right out the nearest window. The speech they read me went a little something like this.

Thank you for teaching us English for the past four months. Our time together was really short. But we enjoyed your class very much. So we are happy to have met you. When we first saw you, we were a little scared. Because you are very big. But now, we know that you have to be big, to hold all your kindness. Thank you for everything. Good luck with your next adventure!

One of the girls who helped to read this speech also happened to be Moeko’s little sister.
Afterwards, I went to the English Club, where the girls had put on some English skits for my benefit. In one skit, Daffy played a (male!) English teacher who was having trouble with two bad girls in his class. As these are School of Peace students, they wouldn’t know bad behavior if it smacked them in the face with a can of tuna. They did try their best though, refusing to do their homework and talking impolitely to the teacher. One girl hiked her skirt up and unbuttoned the top two buttons on her shirt, as she’d heard from me one day that this was the popular thing to do at the Ghetto School. Of course, she wasn’t even close to the levels of indecency that some of the Ghetto School kids reach. Her skirt, after all, was only hiked up to a few inches above her knee – scandalous for the School of Peace. After the skit, she came to me to talk about it.
Her: Man, this is so embarrassing! But, do I look like a Ghetto School student?
Me: Well…not yet. You’d have to hike your skirt up a LOT higher than that.
Her: Really? Oh my God! Well, how about this? (pulls the skirt up a few centimeters)
Me: Not yet.
Her: Really? Okay, now? (pulls the skirt up a little more)
Me: Still not even close.
Her: Serious? Okay, how about now? (skirt is maybe to the halfway point of her thigh)
Me: That’s only halfway there, sweetheart.
Her: …Oh my GOD.
In another skit…well…I honestly have no idea what went on. All I know is that at one point, Ultimate Sweetness was wearing a Chinese dress, and got poisoned upon eating a box of Ritz crackers. And it should go without saying, that the image of Sweetness chowing down on Ritz while wearing a Chinese dress, simply just broke the universe with its cuteness.
On my way out of the school, I noticed a few boys hanging around the gates who had graduated just this past March. Among them was Mousey. I was a little surprised – Mousey grew a little in the four months since he’d graduated. Not only height, but he’d bulked up a little a well. He also seemed to be in training to be a Jr. Host or something – he’d dyed his hair and was wearing his uniform shirt with far too many open buttons than is ever necessary. I can’t say I ever approve of the host look, but I did kind of like it on Mousey. Maybe I was just happy to see him as something other than a runt of a kid.
I tell Mousey that it’s my last day at the school, and he tries to play it off nonchalantly. I point out to him that he seems to have gotten much bigger since the last time I saw him. “Yeah, well,” he says, “we can’t always stay the same way forever. Sometimes you gotta move on, grow up.”
Amazing that something so fitting would come from Mousey of all people, as I left the School of Peace for the last time.
(Incidentally, for all of you who are concerned that this marks the end of my time in Japan/the end of this site – reading is fundamental.)


41 Responses

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  1. Kaitou1412 said, on March 29, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    So, what happened on the 3rd school?

  2. ShadowCell said, on March 29, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    “Her: Serious? Okay, how about now? (skirt is maybe to the halfway point of her thigh)
    Me: That’s only halfway there, sweetheart.
    Her: …Oh my GOD.”
    I’m thinking they wear their skirts less as skirts and more as belts.

  3. Trish said, on March 29, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    “But now, we know that you have to be big, to hold all your kindness. ”
    I let out a very loud “AWWWWW” at that. 🙂

  4. Caged_Penguin said, on March 29, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    Maybe I’m wrong on the name, but I think I heard Genji Hikaru would often raise young girls so that when they hit the right age .. he’d hit them up.
    You know deep down you want to Genji Ultimate Sweetness.. fess up Az!
    *shakes head*
    just playin.
    Curtis Cage.

  5. SlicerSV said, on March 29, 2007 at 4:39 pm

    Are you going to do one for your third school or was it not important enough?
    Also, I seriously think someone should make an anime series out of your adventures to this point. I’d so watch it.
    Watch out, now those Japanese media folks are gunna start chasing you down!

  6. Mob said, on March 29, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    Good to see everyone wanted a hot foreign girl as your replacement…some normality in the land of Oz.
    p.s. I bet God doesn’t even have to Tivo you, he makes time for the Az channel 24/7.

  7. Ruela said, on March 29, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    Ahn, did you realise you were asking one of your students to hike up her skirt? Several times? Maybe you can get away with this in Japan, but it still feels weird to me.
    Great editorial, though!

  8. Dr. McFitzmuffin said, on March 29, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    No! Don’t go! Please! Your posts are so enjoyable, they’ve kept me sane ever since I found this site.

  9. Zar said, on March 29, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    ‘you have to be big, to hold your kindness’ broke my fucking heart. cutest thing ever.

  10. Jonci said, on March 29, 2007 at 6:10 pm

    Ultimate Sweetness breaking the universe, gives an interesting thought. “Is that a crack in space and time?! Oh gods! Rainbows, carebears, and suger are pouring out and flooding the world! Why Ultimate Sweetness, WHY?!

  11. Mr. Bomberman said, on March 29, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    Add that to why I’ll have a weak heart if I become one of you guys.
    It always feels like the end of an era. Damn.

  12. Erick said, on March 29, 2007 at 6:33 pm

    Your stories are the best.

  13. HiEv said, on March 29, 2007 at 9:03 pm

    “Nurse: We’ve already scalped him ‘n shit, so somebody’s gotta operate, and you do happen to be the brain surgeon…”
    LOL. I love the analogies you come up with sometimes, man. That one cracked me up! 😀

  14. kilreli said, on March 29, 2007 at 9:56 pm

    “And it should go without saying, that the image of Sweetness chowing down on Ritz while wearing a Chinese dress, simply just broke the universe with its cuteness.”
    I think i remember that moment. i woke up, and was so filled with cuteness, i peed my bed. My whole body just gave up, because it was in pure, cute bliss 😦

  15. Ivan the Terrible said, on March 29, 2007 at 10:01 pm

    Sooo…what your is saying is that this marks the end of your time in Japan/the end of this site?
    We’ll miss you, Az. It’s been a magical however-long-it’s-been, and for the remainder of my life, whenever I have a schoolboy’s finger thrust up my ass, I’ll think of you.

  16. Nick said, on March 29, 2007 at 10:57 pm

    Yeah, I am kind of curious about the third school too. And are you planning on doing anything Japan related in your future?

  17. purplekitty said, on March 29, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    Hahah this one almost had me tearing up….almost. makes me wanna teach overseas….almost. But I have to remember that you had to go through three years of teaching to get where you are and to enjoy the school of peace you had to suffer through the ghetto school. I guess it’s all a matter of if it’s worth it or not. Oh well I have three more years before I graduate to consider that path but thanks for giving me a good idea of the pros and cons^^ I think I wouldn’t mind suffering through a ghetto school for a school of peace….almost!

  18. Wayland said, on March 30, 2007 at 2:32 am

    If they made an anime like a person before me mentioned, then it would be pretty sweet. It would have to be mature rated. If it wasn’t then it would do the Ghetto School half he justice. Dude, sell it! Do it, do it. Time for sleep -ZzzZzz-

  19. Mayhem said, on March 30, 2007 at 6:00 am

    To chime in, everything about the presentation in the auditorium, almost got me welling up here with cuteness overload. If only all the schools were like that Az?

  20. eL Thorsen said, on March 30, 2007 at 7:27 am

    Somehow I don’t think the Japanese would be interested in an anime about a Gaijin JET in Japan – BUT they might be interested in such a character appearing in a ‘school days’ type show. I wonder if that has been done yet, and if not: why not?

  21. Goats said, on March 30, 2007 at 10:25 am

    Az—You are the greatest! I look forward to your posts twice weekly now! Even though Jet is ending for us (via the blog), I look forward to your Japanese city exploits–which I am sure will bring a host of new characters! Here is to your manhood not suffering any more random attacks from schoolchildren!

  22. Sam said, on March 30, 2007 at 10:40 am

    I know you’ve said you have 3 schools, yet I don’t remember you ever mentioning that 3rd school in any editorials. Is that school so mundane that it doesn’t deserve a write-up?

  23. Tia said, on March 30, 2007 at 1:09 pm

    You know, you should become a Japanese-porn movie director. The conversation you had with that girl trying to hike up her skirt was perverse; big, black man with a Japanese fetish playing “how far will you go” with a little Japanese girl. You know, I’m thinking she wasn’t innocently hiking up her skirt. I think you should pitch this idea to the porn industry. (hehe). Anyway, back to the story, I loved it! You always have great stories!

  24. AutumnFire said, on March 30, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    Gropey: You don’t understand because you live with it everyday. But for us Japanese, it’s like a legend, or a myth.
    Me: …And thus it will stay that way.
    *snerk* Great comeback! And as for tales of Ultimate Sweetness may I just say, “Oh, God. That was my cuteness quotient. I think I’m going to shit bunnies.”

  25. Zantetsu said, on March 30, 2007 at 4:41 pm

    While the anime idea may be nice, there’s always a pattern in such anime: The main character is ALWAYS Japanese. It’s just what THEY want to see fellers.
    It’s a sad departure, but those students will probably remember you for a long time after they’re done in there. After all, you’re one of the emissaries ready to break their box. We’ll just see what the last school gave you next. 😛

  26. Draglancer said, on March 30, 2007 at 6:32 pm

    This was a truely sad editorial. I was really suprised as well when Mousey said that. Anyways, now that you’re out of teaching, give some insight into that o so large Country we called japan. I eagerly await your next editorial. Good Luck!

  27. Anonymous said, on March 31, 2007 at 1:01 am

    Thanks for the memories.

  28. Anonymous said, on March 31, 2007 at 1:01 am

    Thanks for the memories.

  29. Jess said, on March 31, 2007 at 2:05 am

    Do you have any comment on the lindsay hawker murder? There is some interesting detail in this article about Japanese Mens’ attitude to foreign women, sounds a bit messed up. Did you ever encounter any of that amongst your friends?

  30. Patrick said, on March 31, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    Have to admit, this was good. If only I could speak Japanese with any real skill (I can introduce myself, count to a few hundred [Blame my iaido classes for that] and ask where the bathroom is, I think.) I’d consider teaching. Ah well.
    On to the next adventure: Az in Real-world Japan!

  31. Jonah Rapp said, on April 1, 2007 at 3:14 am

    “…Goddamn Horse Face”
    “This ain’t a city.
    It’s a god-damned Horse Face!”

  32. Jonah Rapp said, on April 1, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    Hey, Az — did you remove the link I put in there? Or did it just not show up?

  33. Saiyanid said, on April 1, 2007 at 10:27 pm

    Why do I get the feeling that he only said that this is the end of his time in Japan and this site only because it’s April 1st?

  34. Tanaka Taro said, on April 2, 2007 at 3:49 pm

    To Jess:
    Speaking of Lindsay Hawker, are you familiar with the Lucie Blackman case?

  35. T said, on April 5, 2007 at 11:27 pm

    “When we first saw you, we were a little scared. Because you are very big. But now, we know that you have to be big, to hold all your kindness.”
    Aww!! That’s about the funniest yet cutest thing I’ve read in a long while.

  36. Lauren C. said, on May 19, 2007 at 5:37 pm

    “host” style? o_o

  37. Sheikeh said, on July 5, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    What exactly is host style?

  38. DictiBot said, on September 26, 2007 at 9:33 am

    I believe Az means this kind of host:

  39. McG said, on September 30, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    “Or, the entire game of Battletoads.”

  40. Anonymous said, on February 12, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Awwww, I’m going to miss hearing about Ultimate Sweetness.

  41. Anonymous said, on February 12, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Awwww, I’m going to miss hearing about Ultimate Sweetness.

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