Gaijin Smash

Pump It Up

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 6, 2007

So I started going to the gym.
It would be nice to be able to go to a doctor in Japan and get a diagnosis other than “you’re fat – lose weight”. Aside from that though, there are an abundance of good reasons why I should be go. I think a big motivating factor is my father. The man is in his 60’s and is in better shape than I am. Granted, he was in the army for 30 years, so part of it comes with the territory, but still. He’s like a foot shorter than me, he orders from the Senior Citizen menu at Denny’s, and he could kill me with his bare hands if he wanted to. …Laugh if you want, but realize that he could take you out too.
There’s a gymnasium in my town that has a small little training room. It’s not much, but they have enough machines and weights for an adequate workout. And since it’s small, I can workout in peace without having to worry about being bothered. The only real drawback to the training room is the music. The Japanese don’t really seem to grasp the concept of workout music. You need something that will get your juices flowing, kick start that adrenaline and make you fight to the finish. Like, the theme to the Mortal Kombat movie. I don’t care what condition you’re in, that song WILL make you move harder. You could be lying in your death bed, and if someone started playing the Mortal Kombat movie theme, you’d get up and go run in the Boston Marathon. …And probably win.
But no, the music flow for the training room included a lot of 1970’s Japanese folk (shudder) and, strangely enough, country music. And not regular country music either. I heard this one more than a couple of times, and I swear to Goodness I’m not making this up.
Don’t put no plastic flowers on my grave.

I don’t care how much money you can save.

Make sure my tombstone, aint made of styrofoam

Don’t put no plastic flowers on my grave

That kind of music doesn’t make you want to move! If anything, I wanted to stop running, and go curl up in a corner somewhere and die. Where, hopefully, no one will put plastic flowers on my grave.


In March (of last year), my town got a brand new, dedicated gym. I shifted my workout there, primarily because of the swimming pool (my broken collarbone had just healed, and I figured water sports would be good therapy). Even though I no longer had to listen to any more Japanese folk/country, I was still subjected to music that could put a child on Prozac to sleep. Like, The Carpenters. I believe that The Carpenters aren’t really suitable for any situation ever, but most certainly not a gym. This just goes to show you that the Japanese really have no grasp of workout music.
Poor musical selection aside, the new gym is really nice. I do however, have one gripe. The running machines face a large window that overlooks one of the main streets in the town. This street also happens to be the primary route home for most of my students at one of the schools. So they look up at the window and the facial reactions are always the same. “Waitaminue…that person looks kinda familiar….HEY!” Many of them wave to me, and while I’m all for greeting students, its kind of hard to do so running at 12 km/h. Not to mention that I’d look like a right fool to all those inside of the gym and without a nice, clear view of the window to see what I was waving at. So for the most part, I try to ignore them, making it look like I’m concentrating on keeping up with the belt. One female student called me on this once…
Her: Hey, I saw you in the gym last week!
Me: Really?
Her: Yeah, you were on the running machine. I waved, but you didn’t wave back.
Me: Oh? Well, I don’t really look out the window when I’m running…I’m usually just concentrating.
Her: Yeah, I guess so. You were running pretty fast. Faster than all the other people! You were really cool!
Me: Heh heh heh…yeah.
Her: Oh, but you know, I was trying to get your attention, and I was waving REALLY hard…
Me: Okay.
Her: And you know what? Some other girl who was on the running machines, she thought that I was waving to her, so she waved back.
Me: Aw, that was nice of her.
Her: But, I wasn’t waving to her! So, I tried to tell her I wasn’t waving to her, like this. (she makes a frowing motion, shakes her head, and makes the “batsu” x with her arms)
Me: Wow, I feel really bad for this girl now.
Her: Why’s that?
Me: She goes to the gym, gets on a treadmill, and is trying her best to get into shape. She sees a young girl waving encouragement to her, and feeling a new sense of encouragement and support, she waves back, only to have said young girl tell her “Nuh-uh, not you sister.”
Her: Well, them’s the breaks I guess.
As I’ve stated numerous times, I’m a big black guy. 6’3 (190 cm or so), 200 pounds. The Japanese take one look at me and see a man who can break them in half. …I wouldn’t necessarily say that this is a Japanese thing, a lot of cultures will think twice before picking a fight with a black dude twice their size. I think it’s instinctual. So for my students, it kind of blows their minds to think of me going to a gym…to get stronger. In their world, this is kind of like Godzilla, already impervious to conventional human weapons, stomping around Tokyo…but then he gets his hands on a few rocket launchers, perhaps a flame-thrower, and then the Hammer Bros Suit from Super Mario Bros 3. One boy questioned me about it. I don’t often like to say to the students “I’m trying to lose weight” so I just phrase it as “I want to get stronger.” The boy takes a good look at me, and with all the befuddlement and confusion a Japanese person can muster, simply asks me “Why?”
Thinking back on my time in Japan, in my mind I cycled through a few of the possible answers I could have given here.
1. Even though Watson, the Agent Smith to my Neo, had already graduated, there were countless other Dick-Grabbers/Kancho Assassins lurking in the shadows, and it was up to me as The Chosen One to fight against them for the sake of Ungrabbed Gaijin Dick and Unpenetrated Gaijin Asshole all over Japan.
2. I’m thinking of throwing my hat into the sumo ring, so I have to train hard. (Conversely, if I did do sumo at least I wouldn’t have to worry about my weight…)
3. Thinking back to the Question of the Century, I need the extra strength to help in my pursuit of raping women. Lately, too many have been getting away, and that’s just completely unacceptible.
Realizing that neither answer was really any good, I settled on something far more sane/hokey. I curled my bicep and said “To protect the ones I love with these arms of mine.” The boy’s face lit up as he said in response, “That’s just about the coolest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life!”
Azrael: Giving Japanese school children dreams for the future since 2003.
***
One thing about the gym though is that the locker rooms follow standard Japanese onsen conventions – full frontal nudity. Full reversal nudity. Full profile nudity. Whatever angle you can think of, and its full nudity.
I’m actually okay with this. I’ve long since shed away any American gun-shyness I might have had. When I’m in the locker room and I go to take off my pants, I notice pretty much every guy around me come to a stand-still, unable to avert his eyes away from the rare opportunity to spot some Authentic Negro Penis. But I just no longer care. “Here ya go – does it meet your expectations? Have I now somehow humbled your own manhood? If I turn this way, do you like the way the light and shadows combine to create an artistic effect?”
What I do find interesting though, is that, at this gym at least, the cleaning staff is made up of little old Japanese ladies – obasan. The obasan enter the male cleaning room, and despite the fact that there is naked Japanese wang everywhere nobody gives a shit. The obasan don’t try to avert their eyes, the men don’t try to hide their junk, it’s just all out there. On one hand, it’s kind of cool that nobody freaks out, but then again, in a way I feel like the penis has been de-valued. Like, over-exposure to the market has caused a decline in interest. “And in today’s business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low…”
I’ve gotten used to the obasan too, as there really is no point in being bashful anymore. However, there was one time…
I’d just come back from the swimming pool. I pulled off my trunks and put them inside of this machine that’s basically a compact-spin dryer. The machine sits right next to the door that leads to the shower/pool area. Since I was drying out my swim trunks, basically I was standing there buck naked. Suddenly, the door opens, and a obasan cleaning lady comes through. …Or at least, she would have. You have to consider two things in this scenario here.
1. I’m pretty tall.
2. Obasan are pretty short.
Add em up, and what you have, is an obasan who is now face level with my exposed dick. And, only a few inches away no less. Poor obasan just stops – I mean, sure she’s gotten used to all the wang flapping about in here, but I’m sure she wasn’t quite prepared to just open the door and have a Gaijin dick literally inches away from her face. In my surprise, I too think to turn away, but I have to stop myself – turning in the wrong direction would result in me turkey-slapping an old Japanese woman. And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them.
The obasan is literally just frozen there for a few moments. And now, so am I – turn in one direction, and cock-slap an old Japanese woman. Turn in another, and show her my ass. Neither, I felt, was a viable option. …I didn’t necessarily think this old Japanese woman was going to kancho me, but I promised myself I’d never expose my tender ass to any Japanese people after the whole Requiem for a Legacy incident, and I’ll be damned if I make any exceptions to that. So there we are, frozen in time, obasan and big naked Gaijin. Obasan finally regains her composure and gets out a quick “Sumimasen!” before hurrying off. If nothing else, I’ll bet she now has a GREAT new story for her grandchildren. “Gather round kids, let me tell you about the time I was THIS CLOSE to Gaijin Negro Cock…”
And, somewhere in Japan, Watson is wishing he had been born an old Japanese woman.

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67 Responses

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  1. Bully said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:40 am

    Tell me. Was the old woman softly singing “Bow-wow-chicka-wicka-wow-wow” as she walked away?

  2. Zillacles said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:41 am

    Keep it up these stories are gold!

  3. Brad said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:54 am

    This one had me laughing aloud. It’s good to see that you’ve always got new material from your surroundings.

  4. Ben said, on March 6, 2007 at 8:43 am

    Nice one.
    But I have to ask: Is “To protect the ones I love with these arms of mine.” another NARUTO reference?

  5. Excel-2007 said, on March 6, 2007 at 9:02 am

    MOOOORTAAAAAL COMBAAAAAAAAAT

  6. ukimalefu said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:19 am

    About the music, get an iPod or something!

  7. Anonymous said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:26 am

    “Authentic Negro Penis”
    Lol. Classic. Watch out. They’ll poach you.

  8. Anonymous said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:26 am

    “Authentic Negro Penis”
    Lol. Classic. Watch out. They’ll poach you.

  9. Guill said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:27 am

    Hi, I was thinking… When you go see a doctor and they say you need to lose weight, isn’t it a valid response “I am training for sumo wrestling”? Perhaps that answer could calm the doctor down a bit. – By the way, your stories are hilarious; thanks for sharing them with us.

  10. AutumnFire said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:53 am

    Az, what you need to do is buy the dvd, “Puppetry for the Penis” and learn how to do some flashy dick tricks. I guarantee that the Japanese will be quite impressed and you will reach new heights of fame!
    As for the lousy exercise music, sounds like you could use an ipod or walkman.

  11. HiEv said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:57 am

    “The music at this gym brought to you by:
    SONY, makers of the Walkman and other fine products for drowning out this awful music.”
    πŸ˜‰

  12. Azrael said, on March 6, 2007 at 11:12 am

    Yes, I do have an iPod, and yes, I do use it at the gym. I pretty much have to. Not only does it combat the awful music, it keeps any potential solicitors at bay.

  13. Becky said, on March 6, 2007 at 11:37 am

    Oh man,the Carpenters. I had never heard one of their songs till I came to Japan- more specifically, since the middle school english classes I am in expected me to know the three Carpenters’ songs in their english songbooks. Even worse is how sensei, without any rhyme or reason, will end songs early, switching from early Beatles to Avril Lavigne to the Carpenters to the Spice Girls. One sensei loves to tap out the turn off the music and tap out the beat while she sings and the class mumbles along, but she doesn’t understand rhythm and therefore taps out eighth notes instead of quarter notes, and then complains that music in english is really fast. I have no idea what it is with the Japanese and the Carpenters, and I can only hope that that is an explainable Japanese mystery.
    Those poor ichinensei…

  14. CMoore said, on March 6, 2007 at 11:43 am

    Me and my friends came to an understanding about old man strength. We have termed it “Daddy Strength”.
    You see, upon a man having his first child, he graduates from the realm of regular, I workout strength, to the realm of Daddy Strength. This extra strength comes in so that you may protect your family, and never lose a fight in front of your kids. This is why we believe professional athletes are so strong, and father so many children; it is the source of their power.
    Now, of course, you have cases where one Daddy Strength beats another. What you didn’t know is that the winning Daddy also had a mortgage, car note, steel-wool beard, and the ability to “Not take no shit offa nobody.” Those are key. My dad is a 50 year old little yellow-black man, who is just now gaining wait at 155 lbs. I’m in my early 20s, played some college football and boxing, and yet I’d still put money on my dad purely because of his “I ain’t lived through the 60s just so I can take no shit offa nobody.” power.
    I’m not sure if this power translates into Japanese society, but if it does I would say its been inherited by the Japanese Obasan.
    Truth.

  15. ViolentAJ said, on March 6, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    Yep. The Mortal Kombat theme pwns, so does Scarface – “Push it to the Limit”.
    I would never work out in Japan though. I do not like my massive p3n0r of destruction being exposed to other guys; that is for my wife only.
    They don’t call me the Black Piconjo for nothing…
    Lately, I have been reading much much more about Japanese racism. My wife teases me and tells me that I should read an Amy Yamada book. I don’t know WTF that is, and she does not tell me. I love her little practical jokes. I Google searched and found no relevant information, and I image searched (expecting Goatse, Lemonparty, or the worst of all: Japanese Cuisine) and I only saw a semi-hideous Japanese woman.
    My wife’s going back to Hiroshima this Saturday (after we watch “300”) to work at a cram school, and I’ll be missing her until the summer.
    I never thought that I could feel this way about a Japanese person. I never thought that such a love was possible. As I watch her go, I feel like an abandoned vessel, derelict on the waves of time.
    As the bell tolls, just remember that AJ <3s j00.

  16. Dan said, on March 6, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    I LOL’d… A lot!

  17. Kosetsu said, on March 6, 2007 at 1:30 pm

    Hahahaha, adventures in the gym. This article (episode? “AZ’s ADVENTURES IN NIPPON!, episode XX!”) was just as funny as the last, with the exception of the final line. That was just creepy. Like, really creepy. That single line puts into perspective how horrified you must have felt when all those Japanese schoolboys were trying to grab your dick. It is the embodiment of that horror.
    …I’m so, SO sorry for not taking you seriously about that.

  18. mugi said, on March 6, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    holy shit, azrael, I just burst out laughing out loud – really loud – after I read the part about cockslapping the obasan… Damn, man, that’s my first real laugh I’ve had… I don’t know, I can’t remember… but dayummmmm…. You made my day πŸ™‚

  19. Yoshi King said, on March 6, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    Haha, the “too many women have been getting away” comment really made me laugh, Az. Great job referencing some of the best Japan moments like that. XD
    This is my first comment, and I wanted to say I really have enjoyed every single one of your editorials. This Thursday is my birthday, so I can’t wait to see what you have in store!

  20. Dave said, on March 6, 2007 at 1:51 pm

    After all the shit that’s happened to me in the past two weeks (you know… My girlfriend being hit by a bus, dying, spending a week off college in her hometown and eventually cremating her yesterday… No biggie really… – if you really want to read about it, I blogged some of it), I actually nearly died of laughter.
    The punctuation and usage of grammar, as well as the usual eloquence and amazing range of vocabulary. I will actually put this one near the top, if not at the top.
    Classic. In every way. It really cheered me up.
    Thanks, Azrael.
    Means a lot.

  21. Casey said, on March 6, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    Japanese locker rooms, now with frontal, backal, and left side-al nudity.
    I completely lost at the end. “…turning in the wrong direction would result in me turkey-slapping an old Japanese woman. And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them.”

  22. Otter said, on March 6, 2007 at 2:32 pm

    You continue to amuse me massively every day – I actually look forward to seeing updates. Thank you!
    As for your gym activity – I had some clever prepared as a remark for your Obasan cock incident – but I think now after writing it out and deleting it… that it’s better left alone… just the way it is.
    Your post did help me with one major point of clarity. An old friend of mine from HS actually went over to be a JET and came back about a year ago with a new Japanese wife (crazy, I know)….. she would talk to all our other friends and practice her English but not me. She avoided me during the entire event of our joint-friend’s wedding for several days with great effort. Until today I don’t think I understood why. I just thought…. maybe she thinks I’m ugly?! or… Do I really smell that bad? I asked Aaron – he just laughed at me and wouldn’t explain (typical for him).
    I’m a white man, but I am 6’4″ and 250lbs (and not fat — except by Japanese standards where I am probably morbidly obese)… all our other friends in the same group of old HS buddies are under 5’10” and don’t lift weights.

  23. Rain said, on March 6, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    Potential solicitors?
    I LOVE you response to the schoolkid, “To Protect The Ones I Love With These Arms Of Mine”, that is golden, man, you are awesome!

  24. Elise said, on March 6, 2007 at 3:18 pm

    Haha. I’ve been reading your posts for some time now, and I have to say that they always keep me coming back.
    When it got to the cock-slapping part, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
    Oh, the joys of life, eh ?

  25. Old School said, on March 6, 2007 at 3:49 pm

    So was there a sales pitch for your membership? Was it as aggressive as it is in the U.S. or did you just pay them without smelling desperation?
    Where would that moment with the obasan (had you turned in that direction) have ranked among the all-time list of Gaijin Smashes?

  26. Kerii-chan said, on March 6, 2007 at 4:38 pm

    XD Omg you quoted Naruto again. Classic XDDDD You win the internet.

  27. purplekitty said, on March 6, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    Hahahahahhahahaha *dies on the floor laughing* hahahahaha. But on a serious note I agree with the whole overexposer penis thing. If I had to see it everyday and it was mostly guys I wouldn’t find attractive I’d probably turn lesbian just to see something different T_T!

  28. Anonymous said, on March 6, 2007 at 5:48 pm

    LMAO!!!111onetwo Um not to add scars to your psyche but…if she was as close as you say she was close enough to get a good whiff to…ah a nostril full of negro cawk…your welcome.

  29. Anonymous said, on March 6, 2007 at 5:48 pm

    LMAO!!!111onetwo Um not to add scars to your psyche but…if she was as close as you say she was close enough to get a good whiff to…ah a nostril full of negro cawk…your welcome.

  30. Cynthia said, on March 6, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    I started laughing hysterically right around “turkey-slapping”.
    Keep it up!

    THE WORK! I mean, keep up the good work!

  31. Jonci said, on March 6, 2007 at 6:42 pm

    “To protect the ones I love with these arms of mine.” Then the sun shined down over the two of you. Everything stopped into an artistic version of you standing there, posed, and a young boy with stars in his anime-sized eyes.
    Not that being comfortable with your nudity is a bad thing, but perhaps a over-sized towel is still necessary for some situations. If for anything, just to keep the “club” from swinging into small old women.

  32. Jeff said, on March 6, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    Man that was the funniest post you’ve had for a while, by the way, what does Sumimasen mean?
    (Az’s Note: “Excuse me”).

  33. Patrick said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:02 pm

    “And in today’s business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low…”
    HAHAHA! That’s funny as hell.

  34. vik said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Az, you just mentally raped me. I’m going to get drunk this very instant to scrub my brain of the horrible (and yes, pretty funny) image of an old japanese lady getting the HandsFree CockSlap.

  35. Laura said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:25 pm

    I jeez, I love that like “If I turn this way, do you like the way the light and shadows combine to create an artistic effect?” Fabulous, I love your work Az!

  36. Gabe said, on March 6, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    Is there anything diffrent about a Japanese Gym? (Other than the bad music and little old cock-watching ladies.)

  37. Ivan the Terrible said, on March 6, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    “And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them.”
    I beg to differ. This story would’ve been twice as entertaining if it had ended with an old-fashioned Gaijin cock-slapping. Perhaps followed up with the Japanese equivalent of, ‘Who’s your daddy?’
    And 6’3, 200 pounds? Bah, that’s not so fat.

  38. soumakyo said, on March 6, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    Watson’s career plan has been decided ! After a brief trip to Brazil for hum, chirurgical purposes, he becomes a closet room cleaning lady !
    This post was funny as hell (is hell funny ? er, whatever) it was so hard to contain my laughter (yep, reading at work v_v) I let one or two out… hu hu hu

  39. ViolentAJ said, on March 6, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    Dave, I am sorry for your loss man. Condolences.

  40. Dragoncloud said, on March 6, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    rofl this shit is sooo damn hilarious. You have managed to terrorize the japanese with your penis alone.

  41. Anonymous said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    You kinda wonder how they’re naked all over the place but they have to censor porn. What. The hell.

  42. Anonymous said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    You kinda wonder how they’re naked all over the place but they have to censor porn. What. The hell.

  43. Gray said, on March 6, 2007 at 10:40 pm

    I gotta say, I just started laughing at loud at the ‘turkey slap’ comment. It confused the people who were milling about my office. I just stared at them till they left.

  44. Beavis Saves said, on March 6, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    Why is cockslapping old Japanese women so damn funny? The chance it could cleanly decapitate them, if done right.

  45. Slsonicman said, on March 6, 2007 at 11:30 pm

    It’s amazing, all the crap that happens to you, but this takes the cake. Having an old face face level with my dick is the VERY LAST thing I want to experience. Unless you’re a doctor, I don’t want anyone that old looking at me naked. >_>

  46. Draglancer said, on March 7, 2007 at 12:49 am

    I can see Az pulling stuff off like that. XD.
    “Gather round kids, let me tell you about the time I was THIS CLOSE to Gaijin Negro Cock…”
    I can see one doing this as we speak.
    On another intresting note: Pump It Up is also a dancing game, but Im sure you noticed that already.

  47. zen said, on March 7, 2007 at 1:38 am

    Classic!

  48. Mayhem said, on March 7, 2007 at 6:10 am

    Well now… I’ve been reading these since they were on the original site and this is the first time I’ve decided to comment. No idea why until now, but damn, this is probably the funniest bloody entry ever and you’ve had some sheer classics in the past. I had to contain all my laughter at work not to alert everyone to Az’s potential cock-slapping greatness! Keep up the entries my man, and I’ll keep reading them.
    Here in the UK there are quite a few people I know who look to join the JET program. Sending them this way to read your entries is one requisite every… single… time!

  49. Jill said, on March 7, 2007 at 8:42 am

    I’m in a gym, too. The only gym close to my house is… well darnit, it’s about a 25 minute drive away. I do light weight-lifting when I’m there and running on the treadmill. Sometimes I even make use of the pool. As I am a five-foot tall ash-blonde soon-to-be-40 year old woman, I don’t have any of Az’s problems, more’s the relief. But I’m entertained!

  50. Bryan said, on March 7, 2007 at 10:24 am

    “Authentic Negro Penis”. Wow. Just wow. That is gonna have me laughing for HOURS.

  51. Kacie Landrum said, on March 7, 2007 at 11:06 am

    I can top that. I was at an onsen in Kyoto with a tour group about six years ago, an onsen cleaned religiously by an obaasan. The guys and girls split up, it being a split-gender onsen. About an hour later we suddenly get a message from our translator on our emergency walkie-talkies. He’s laughing so hard he can barely talk, so it takes a while to get the full story.
    But in the end we figure out that the obaasan had gone over to clean the men’s side, seen a male member of our tour group, and been… highly impressed. And decided to tell him that. To his face.
    He, not speaking a word of Japanese, had to call over the translator for help. The translator listens to this woman for about 20 seconds, cracks up laughing, and barely manages to choke out a translation. Then he has to share it with all the other males. And the girls. And, probably, any other English speaker he came into contact with for a month.
    But, seriously, they really have no idea of tact when it comes to bodies and bodily functions in Japan, do they? How many other countries can you name where sixty-year-old ladies walk up to strange men and compliment their penises?

  52. Rashkeyd said, on March 7, 2007 at 1:07 pm

    The other night I needed some motivation to lift, and then BAM the mortal combat theme starts playing in WinAmp. I think I put up some new PR’s just because of the sheer awesomeness or the song.

  53. eViL_tEnNyO said, on March 7, 2007 at 3:00 pm

    “And while I do feel that a good, authentic cock-slap can be hilarious under the right conditions, this, I felt, was not one of them.”
    LMAO! amazing. I have no clue what you were worried about, your material is just as funny as when you were teaching!

  54. Shinkada said, on March 8, 2007 at 1:03 am

    “And in today’s business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low…”
    That, and the part about turkey-slapping the Obasan was just… Oh God. This is your funniest entry yet.
    As of note, I dunno whether it’s a Naruto reference or not, but LOTS of anime has said stuff like that. DBZ and Bleach, to name two. Damn unoriginal rabble…

  55. WoWNorCal said, on March 8, 2007 at 2:16 am

    Brilliant, you are truly a master storyteller. Your stories never fail to brighten me up, Japan has got to be bizarre. I also want to say that, though this is old, the ‘jack off ninja’ tangent of one of your other stories was sent to every single one of my friends VIA AIM. Thanks Az.

  56. matt said, on March 8, 2007 at 10:38 am

    I like to read new stories on tuesdays and thursdays at lunch but its not there today!

  57. mensa58 said, on March 8, 2007 at 11:53 am

    OK, I just about snorted coffee up my nose at this one. Brilliant!

  58. Mr. Bomberman said, on March 9, 2007 at 10:30 pm

    Oh god, that would be a nasty result if you were unsuccessful, but you have training on your side.
    Man, I could picture you writing one of these books:
    “Worst Case Scenarios: Japan Edition!”
    (warning: these solutions must be followed strictly)
    “And in today’s business news, the Japanese penis plunged another 30 points today, marking a new record low…”
    Supply and Demand — our penises are in high demand in Japan, but in VERY short suplly, I guess?
    To Bryan:
    “How many other countries can you name where sixty-year-old ladies walk up to strange men and compliment their penises?”
    Switzerland.

  59. Robert said, on March 12, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    Bad music in a gym is not a Japaneese thing, every 24hour fitness I go to plays shit-o music. I bought a MP3 player, then broke it and now wear earplugs. Another thing, if someone walks up to you naked in a locker room, start to tell them about jesus, they usually run away. Of course that works for most places………….

  60. will said, on March 14, 2007 at 12:58 am

    The mental image of someone cock-slapping a small old japanese woman is going to comfort me far into the next lifetime. I think i nearly ruptured a kidney trying not to collapse while reading this at my school. take care, man.

  61. soumakyo said, on March 15, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    hell, I have a silly question.
    When I read this post first I though “hey funny, the gym near my work place has big windows on the street too, maybe it’s that place”. But i dismissed it, what are the chances ? and I don’t think there’s a high school near (not that I really know the surroundings, actually)
    But the day before yesterday (so wednesday) when passing in fornt of this gym I saw a big black dude running on one of the machine. And that’s the very first time I’ve seen a black guy in this area. Damn I almost wanted to get off the bus…
    So I’ll ask you, is this gym place called “Pinos” (oh the lovely name) and in front of “U-town” ?
    If it is it’d just be baffling as hell !
    Don’t worry again I’m not a creepy stalker (and I’m leaving japan so soon anyway…)
    (Az’s Note: Do you work at ATR then?
    Yes, I was a member of Pinos. But any black guys you saw there recently wasn’t me. I left that area and moved into Kyoto city in August.
    Incidentally, Watson’s school is up the street. If you keep going uphill on that street, past the K Plaza (with the sundial) the school’s up there. There’s an elementary school in that area as well.)

  62. soumakyo said, on March 20, 2007 at 4:08 am

    mwah ah ah that’s what I call unexpected !
    Actually I work at the NICT, further down the road, past the K Plazza… and after this episode I asked my colleagues if there was a high school near, and apparently there’s one really close, and it’s most likely the one I’ve been reading about for so long on this very website ! (my colleagues even use the school gym to play badminton). It appears I really didn’t know the surroundings, heh.
    Damn it means I’ve been around Watson for all those months.. glurps, time to invest in some iron underpants…

  63. Crosse said, on June 11, 2007 at 10:36 am

    I have mortal kombat stuck in my head now

  64. Leushenko said, on January 5, 2008 at 12:04 am

    “Born an old Japanese woman”
    ….they SO are made that way.

  65. LCPL THI said, on April 5, 2008 at 2:38 am

    lol…
    I bet I could take your dad πŸ˜€
    Not that I’d ever attack a poor defenseless army dude… lol
    you know what ARMY stands for right?
    Aren’t Real Marines Yet

  66. ish said, on June 19, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    “3. Thinking back to the Question of the Century, I need the extra strength to help in my pursuit of raping women. Lately, too many have been getting away, and that’s just completely unacceptible.”
    400% awesome. i love you man,these editorials are like finding pots of gold in a dirty laundry basket. i should start going to the gym,but down here, the only people that go to gyms are the people i really really can’t stand. I’d Kill them

  67. Daniel said, on July 30, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    “To protect the ones I love with these arms of mine.”
    Oh my god, i LOVE the show naruto……..


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