Gaijin Smash

Dirty Dancing

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 22, 2007

So as many of you know, I spent a week doing Obon Dancing with the elderly at the welfare center at my town. While this seemed normal enough, part of the program included me at one point coming out in a shiny gold Matsuken Samba kimono. Because my life is just that special. And it wasn’t just one day of shiny glamorous torture, it was a whole week. Since the elderly could come and go as they pleased, the staff had to make sure they put on the exact same program every day of the week so that no one missed out.
However, my friend and I noticed that at least 50-60% of the audience had already been to the program. There were quite a few who went all five days. Sometime around Friday, my friend points this out to me.
Friend: Hey, that guy is here again.
Me: Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of people who were here yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.
Friend: Man, they must be so bored of seeing the same thing over and over again.
Staff: (overhearing our conversation) Not really. Most of them probably don’t remember that they saw this before.
Me: (hopeful) So, you mean there’s a chance they’re not gonna remember me in the Matsuken outfit?
Staff: Oh no. They’re definitely going to remember that.
Me: That’s just wonderful.
Friend: I was going to say “if it makes you feel any better, they’ll be dead in the next few years”…but then I remembered that Japan has one of the highest life-expectancies on Earth. So sorry bud, you’re screwed.
Me: …Remind me to shorten yours later.
Matsuken aside, it was a pretty interesting week. Speaking of people who came everyday, there was one guy who was pretty lively. He got up and danced everyday, sometimes with the aid of a walker. But hell – according to the staff, this guy was in his late 80’s/early 90’s, so I was impressed at any kind of movement, really. We also came to find out that he had been a soldier in WWII. He was really outgoing and friendly, and seemed genuinely happy to be able to come do the dancing with us.
Even more than that though, everyday he came…he came with a date. And everyday…it was with a different woman. My friend asked one of the male staff members about it, who after giving his response a little careful thought, said, “Yeah, he’s still got a lot of kick left in him at this age. He’s the…how do I put it…he’s the playboy of the facility. We think he’s got about 10 girlfriends.”


Holy fucking snap, crackle, AND pop. This guy is doing at 90 what many guys can’t do…ever.
Friend: So you mean to tell me that this guy is almost 90 years old..
Me: Fought in a war and lived to talk about it…
Friend: And isn’t holding it against you Yanks (my friend is Aussie)…
Me: And is macking on not one, not two, but TEN different women. That’s it – this man is my new hero. Call Chuck Norris, he’s been replaced. This old guy is the new avatar upon which we will measure manhood.
Friend: I’m amazed. I mean, how can he do it?
Me: He spits mad game?
Friend: No, I mean literally, how can he do it?
Me: …Viagra’s a hell of a drug?
Friend: No, even more than that – he can barely dance here for more than 5 minutes without getting all tired out. How in the world is he sexing up ten different women?
Staff: (again, overhearing) Yeah, we try not to think too deeply about that.
Me: Man, I hope I can sex up 10 women when I’m 90 years old.
Friend: When you’re 90? Dude, seriously, you did live in America for the first 22 years of your life.
Me: Okay, fine, when I’m 70.
Friend: (just gives me one of those looks)
Me: Allright, fine! I hope I’m not fat, balding, and impotent by the time I’m 45.
Friend: And?
Me: And divorced.
Friend: Much better.
My new hero aside, I learned a lot during my week at the welfare center. I learned that Japanese children and the elderly are a lot more alike than one would think. Both will freely speak their minds – children have yet to be properly broken by The System, and the elderly are too old to give a shit anymore. They figure they’re almost dead, why step on eggshells now? I think this is why Japanese obasan are so damned strong – essentially, they’re Klingons. “Yes, today would be a good day to die. Now get the fuck outta my way.”
That’s not to say all obasan are warriors. There’s a lot of really nice ones too. When the dance program comes to a conclusion for the day, my friend and I would circle around the group, and shake hands with everyone individually and thank them for coming. As I came around on one day, one old lady took my hand with both of hers and asked me when I was going back to America. I explained that I wasn’t sure, but as my JET contract was due to end in August, at the very least I was going to have to leave that town. “I don’t want you to go,” she says. “Stay here.”
Now, this would have been the perfect Hallmark moment. It would have been.
The old lady continues. “You should marry a nice girl here in town and just stay forever. I’d offer you one of my granddaughters but they’re all ugly and I can’t in good faith give you one.” If there’s a Hallmark card for this, I certainly have never seen it. “I’d give you a granddaughter to marry but they’re all ugly”? “I’d have a husband for you if you didn’t turn out so hideously”? “My Dearest Daughter – are you sure you didn’t fuck Joe Pesci, or Carrot Top or something?” Furthermore, what am I supposed to say to that? In my confusion I think I said “Ah, okay, well, thank you. Maybe next time.” …Next time what? Here’s hoping the next generation turns out all right?
Girl: (Answers the door), Um, yes?
50-yr old Az: Hi. You don’t know me, but your great-grandmother promised me a wifey, and as your mom wasn’t pretty enough I had to wait for awhile, but…yeah, you’ll do.
Anyhow, moving along…during the program, the MC would stop the dancing every now and then to give the old folks a break. During the intervals, he’d ask us random questions. One day, he asked us if we did any other types of dancing. My friend says that he likes going to clubs and dancing there. Naturally, the MC asks if he could demonstrate a little club dancing for everyone. Naturally, this is a bit of an odd request – to try and dance as if you were at a club, but with no music, the lights actually on, and all eyes focused on you. He looked towards me, as if for some sort of buzzer-beating salvation, but I only mouthed the words “they’ll be dead soon” back in English to him, and he knew he was fucked.
So he spits out a beat and does a little club dancing. It’s actually not too bad, and for what its worth, the old folks are getting a big kick out of it. One obasan *really* got worked up. We’d noticed this woman before trying to commandeer the program away from the MC. She got up out of her seat, and swear to God I shit you not, gave my friend a healthy slap on the ass. My friend literally just stops then and there, as his brain shuts down trying to process what had just happened. The obasan, with what seems to be a brand-new spring her in step, says, “now THAT’S a healthy young lad!” before going back to her seat. I also return to my seat, trying to find a way to hide the tears that are now streaming down my face.
My friend is spared any further dancing/embarrasement/ass-slapping by the MC, who I think is also trying to choke back a chuckle or two. Friend takes a seat next to me, and it’s clear that the events that have transpired still have not quite registered.
Friend: Did I…just…get slapped on the ass by an 80-year old Japanese woman?
Me: Hey, look at the bright side. At least she wasn’t pregnant.
On yet another day, I noticed I had acquired a pair of Japanese obasan fangirls. I didn’t notice them immediately because they are like half my height and I was looking over the tops of their heads for awhile. I eventually did notice them down there, marvelling at the size of my feet.
Obasan 1: Wow, his feet are huge!
Me: Size 32. Impossible to find in Japan.
Obasan 2: (taking my hand) Look, his hands are huge too!
Me: Well, I guess if you say so.
Obasan 1: You are just one huge fella.
Obasan 2: And, you know, if his feet and hands are this big, THAT has got to be pretty big as well!
Me: Oh dear God…
Obasan 1: Hey, you shouldn’t say stuff like that!
Obasan 2: Oh, it’s okay, he doesn’t understand Japanese.
Note that I had been talking in Japanese to everyone all afternoon long.
Obasan 2: (back to me) Why weren’t you in Japan 50 years ago?
Me: (thinking) Because my parents were still playing with Lincoln Logs and Lego’s?
Later, my friend and I have a profound conversation on the whole thing.
Me: Why did that happen? Why?
Friend: What are you so upset about? I thought you liked older women.
Me: Yeah. I like Mrs. Robinsons, not Blanche Devereaux’s.
Friend: At any rate, it’s been a hell of a week. I’m glad to have gotten out of the office for a change.
Me: And I was glad to have escaped school. …Although this wasn’t so dissimilar.
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah. You know what though, riddle me this. Why is it that in Japan, the only girls who brazenly and shamelessly throw themselves at me are either 10 years too young, or 50 years too old?
Friend: …Huh. God really does hate you.
Me: DID YOU THINK I’VE BEEN JOKING FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS?
Well, I guess if I’m ever lonely and wanting when I’m old and feeble, at least I’ll know a good place to go.

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34 Responses

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  1. soumakyo said, on February 22, 2007 at 2:11 am

    “My kids are STILL perverted, yeah, even 70 years later.” should have been the perfect title
    And I don’t think god hates you, maybe he, errr, really wanted you to have this website, no ?

  2. Lost in Japan said, on February 22, 2007 at 2:40 am

    I was in Japan for a while. Klingons and decepticons got nothing on obasans – especially those who lived through WWII chewing on roots and shrub like things. Your friend got off easy with just an ass slapping.

  3. Caged Penguin said, on February 22, 2007 at 5:40 am

    Az, God does not hate you.
    You see, he gets bored in all his glory that he needs some fun time.
    So he forced your soul upon the child in what would be your moms womb.
    His purpose?
    an oreo cookie who will mistakenly end up in japan for the sole purpose of humoring the hell out of him.
    so you see, he doesn’t hate you.. he loves you!!!
    he loves you like he loves a toy πŸ˜‰
    get used to it Optimus, god is a teenager and you’ve become his autobot πŸ˜‰
    HadoKen!
    Curtis Cage.

  4. ζ±Ÿη•‘γ€€ζ€œδΊ‹γ€€ said, on February 22, 2007 at 7:50 am

    γ‚ͺγƒžγ‚¨γ€€γƒ›γƒ³γƒˆγƒ‹γ€€γγ”γ„γƒ¨γ€€γ‚³γƒ³γƒŠγ€€γ‚­θ¦‹γ€€γ‚¬γ‚€γ‚³γ‚Έγƒ₯γ€€δΊΊγ€€γƒ‹γ‚·γƒ†γ€€γƒ›γƒ³γƒˆγ€€γƒŸγ‚Ίγƒ©γ‚·γ€€γƒ¨γ€€εƒ•γ€€γƒ―γ‚«γƒ©γ€€ε†…γ€€ζ–Ήγ€€ζ—₯ζœ¬γ€€γ‚³γƒ¬γ€€γ‚΄γƒ©γ‚€γ€€γ‚¬γ‚’γ‚€γ‚³γ‚―γ€€δΊΊγ€€γ‚Ώγƒ‘γ€€γ‚³γƒ¬γ€€γ‚΄γƒ©γ‚€γ€€γƒ’γƒ‰γ‚€οΌŒζˆ‘ζˆ‘γ€€ι‡Žεγ€€θΌͺγ€€ζ±Ÿη«―γ€€ζ€œδΊ‹γ€€ε―Œε±±γ€€δΌΌγ€€γ‚½γƒ³ε‡Ίγ€€γƒžγ‚Ήγ€€
    γ‚Έγƒ£γƒγΎγŸγ€€γ‚¨γƒžγ€€γ‚Έγƒ£γ€€γ‚ͺレ 出ろ 
    γ‚Ίγƒˆγ‚«γ‚€γƒ†γ€€γƒ†γ€€γƒ
    γ€€γ€€

  5. Kathryn said, on February 22, 2007 at 8:05 am

    Face it Az, you are God’s comedy channel. And mine, especially after this entry. It’s interesting to hear about different facets of Japan, especially if you have to dress in a big gold kimono and dance.

  6. Smackthescreen said, on February 22, 2007 at 10:18 am

    It still amazes me that they assume you can’t speak Japanese!

  7. Wayland said, on February 22, 2007 at 12:19 pm

    I know you don’t think God hates you and probably thank him everyday for your insane experiences in the land of the Porno Street Fighters…

  8. AutumnFire said, on February 22, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    Hey, at least they didn’t begin a game of DodgeDick with you while they were marveling over the size of your hands and feet. Maybe that puts them one up over the kids.
    No, don’t even THINK about Watson at an advanced age…makes me shudder.

  9. Dave Worley said, on February 22, 2007 at 2:12 pm

    Hilarious story. The dialogue bits were fuckin’ crazy.
    All good.

  10. Vidgmchtr said, on February 22, 2007 at 4:24 pm

    Hey, the friend of yours, is he the same one as the one who joined you and your girlfriend in the vomit train?
    (Az’s Note: No, different friend. Lives in the next town over, also a teacher. Appeared in the More Sushi and Sex editorial, and also was the one to coin the phrase “Gaijin Smash”.)

  11. ViolentAJ said, on February 22, 2007 at 5:53 pm

    Kathryn, of course they assume this. Black people cannot speak Japanese. My wife tries to teach me, but it is so difficult, especially when you are taking college courses in calculus and physics, as well as learning programming, boning up on web design, trying to create a new Internet meme, and all while having to make love to your wife three times a night. It’s bloody insane. I certainly do not regret marrying such a lovely woman, but this advice to the world: 19 year olds, don’t get married!!1!one!

  12. Jonci said, on February 22, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    Ever thought about making pamplets to hand out to any Japanese person you meet? Start with a large bold font that writes in Japanese, English, and any other known language on the planet: “YES! I DO SPEAK JAPANESE!”
    Then go into details about what sections of your body, mind, and life are not up for grabbing and/or questioning.
    (Az’s Note: At one point, I did consider signboards ala Wil E. Coyote.)

  13. Caged Penguin said, on February 22, 2007 at 8:51 pm

    Damn ViolentAJ, she married you that quickly?
    What was the courting period like? was it the whole talk on the plane and then land and then off to the hotel once and then proposal?
    jeez .. no wonder Az said japanese women marry at “break neck speeds” lol.
    should be funny for me when I go to japan.
    I’ve already fielded the south florida green card huting latin women..
    should be fun to field the “gaijin seekers”
    *puts two thumbs up*

  14. ViolentAJ said, on February 22, 2007 at 11:08 pm

    Re: Caged Penguin 2/22/2007 @ 8:51 pm
    Well, being White, you can score with any Japanese girl at any time. Lucky you haha.
    As for my wife and me, the courting period was only about 2 days. She seemed legit though, since she knows that I am not rich and she would prefer to live in Japan (as would I to an extent). We don’t intend to have kids, so life in Japan would be better for both of us; we only have to find a place out there, and I have to get a job. I have to finish my BS, then I might do the ESL teacher thing. Get a few “otaku” buddies that are smart enough, and make the next Melty Blood.
    Ho Chi Minh sucks dead dick! ARRUU!

  15. Caged Penguin said, on February 23, 2007 at 4:25 am

    melty blood!!!
    tsukihime.
    dude that anime rocked hard!
    I cried when the vampire chick died 😦
    dude, I can’t believe you don’t want to have any kids that japanese wife of yours..
    Look up Crystal Kay.
    Dad is black, mom is a japanese born korean and she’s just damn sexy!
    I wouldn’t mind giving her some irish/german if ya know what I mean πŸ˜‰
    god how I look forward to the circus of japan!
    Who is Hu? Hu is the chinese dicktaker that is hellbent on world domination.
    HadoKen!
    Curtis Cage.

  16. Dave Wooldridge said, on February 23, 2007 at 9:19 am

    A good friend of mine has the obasan from hell. A few years back Suzy (my friend) was called back from Japan to take care of her “ailing” grandmother by her parents, since she had been living with her uncle in America for the last ten or so. Of course, this was her obasan, and she knew the real reason for this. See, this old warthog had been “ailing” for the last ten years. She’ll be ailing for the next ten. Hell, she’ll probably out live her granddaughter, preserved out of spite.
    What happened there was that Suzy’s mom was sick of the woman, since in the language of evil Japanese grandmothers “daughter-in-law == servant you don’t have to pay”. Thus, Suzy’s mom reasoned that she shouldn’t get to get off scott free and actually enjoying life in America, but should come back to Japan and suffer properly, like a good daughter.

  17. Mr. Bomberman said, on February 23, 2007 at 3:14 pm

    Ass slapping by an obasan? Is THAT intended to be bad?
    “Obasan 1: You are just one huge fella.
    Obasan 2: And, you know, if his feet and hands are this big, THAT has got to be pretty big as well!
    Me: Oh dear God…
    Obasan 1: Hey, you shouldn’t say stuff like that!”
    I was about to puke. Thanks man.

  18. Caged Penguin said, on February 23, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    Damn Dave, no wonder japanese women also marry us gaijin quicker than a japanese dude busts a nut.
    they know we usually offload our parents to retirement homes >:D
    *feels his horns grow another inch*
    Curtis Cage.

  19. ViolentAJ said, on February 23, 2007 at 10:05 pm

    Well, I’m still in college, so any kids are a long ways off. Also, if we live in Japan, little Black/Japanese mongrels won’t fare so well (I doubt that they’d fare well in the USA either).
    We enjoy being with each other; we don’t want to bring somethnig into the world that will only feel the pain of rejection everyday.

  20. J said, on February 23, 2007 at 10:19 pm

    You have no idea how much this one made me laugh.
    Also, the comment section’s link is broken. It links to “dancing_king_ii.phtml#comments” instead of “dirty_dancing.phtml#comments”.

  21. Anonymous said, on February 24, 2007 at 1:29 pm

    Alot of people are saying the language barrier hinders your ability to make it well in Japan.
    If you were fluent, would you have an easy time getting a job/girlfriend/whatnot? Or is there still the massive “gaijin perimeter”? I’ve been studying Japanese for 4 years now and plan to study abroad and possibly work there (video game design/programming) and I want to know if there’s still big discrimination even if you speak fluently.

  22. Anonymous said, on February 24, 2007 at 1:29 pm

    Alot of people are saying the language barrier hinders your ability to make it well in Japan.
    If you were fluent, would you have an easy time getting a job/girlfriend/whatnot? Or is there still the massive “gaijin perimeter”? I’ve been studying Japanese for 4 years now and plan to study abroad and possibly work there (video game design/programming) and I want to know if there’s still big discrimination even if you speak fluently.

  23. ViolentAJ said, on February 25, 2007 at 6:39 pm

    There is no real dicrimination unless you are Korean or Black, maybe a bit against Chinese and Southeast Asians.
    I must assume that you are White, J. Bein White, you’ll get nothing but respect, and you’ll be swarmed with so many girls begging you for sex you won’t know what to do. Getting a job might be hard, but if you have the skill, you’ll be able to do it.

  24. Anonymous said, on February 25, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    Hahahahhahaha Hilarious stuff Az.
    Keep the Golden Gimp Suit, as a Keepsake or give it to Miss Americanised.
    On the topic of big hands and/or feet you should have expected the path the conversation was leading.

  25. Anonymous said, on February 25, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    Hahahahhahaha Hilarious stuff Az.
    Keep the Golden Gimp Suit, as a Keepsake or give it to Miss Americanised.
    On the topic of big hands and/or feet you should have expected the path the conversation was leading.

  26. God said, on February 27, 2007 at 8:33 pm

    Dear Az,
    Just in case there is some confusion or you didn’t get my hints. I do in fact hate you. Just wanted to be clear on this. No hard feeling ok? Just the way it is. Sorry if this comes as an inconvinience. Looking forward to meeting you face to face in a few years… I am thinking 60 more years or so.
    Anyway, continue the good work, I will be picking on you many more times in the near future. Keep on your toes.
    -God

  27. James said, on March 1, 2007 at 6:59 am

    ViolentAJ: “There is no real dicrimination unless you are Korean or Black, maybe a bit against Chinese and Southeast Asians.”
    Dude. I don’t know how long you spent in Japan, but white get the “warewarenihonjin”, too. Not nearly as badly as black/extra-japanese-asian/etc., but it’s still bad enough.

  28. ViolentAJ said, on March 1, 2007 at 2:21 pm

    Nope. Blacks get at the most. All other races can get along except for Blacks. FACT.
    Now I have no gripe against a man that does as he’s told. But when he doesn’t, the machine breaks down. When the machine breaks down, we break down.
    “Killin’? What’dyou boys know about killin’?”

  29. FatFree said, on March 1, 2007 at 9:45 pm

    Hilarious. I’d say this was your best in a while.

  30. James said, on March 2, 2007 at 10:43 am

    “All other races can get along except for Blacks. FACT.”
    No, you’ve been misinformed. It sucks for everyone, though as I said, it’s worse for some. And it’s exacerbated when you can’t speak Japanese.

  31. ViolentAJ said, on March 3, 2007 at 2:21 pm

    James, James, James. Use your supposed higher intelligence to figure it out for yourself.
    Hint: You have 50 girlfriends simultaneously, while I am the first and only Black man to marry a Japanese woman (and her parents disPwned her).

  32. Lauren C. said, on May 12, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    okay, this one I almost choked on my cheez-its it was so funny.
    I’m not even Japanese and I wanna be like those Obasans when I get old. Just to disturb the shit out of the youngins.

  33. chrono said, on July 29, 2007 at 1:54 am

    Wow, one of the funniest, if not THE funniest, post you’ve had so far. Still, at least neither you or your friend had to DodgeD or KanchoDodge. BTW, can I borrow a lung from you since it escaped while I laughed through 90% of your post.
    I’d take one from a Japanese, but I bet it has more nicotine in it than 10 Marlsboro factories.

  34. Rune said, on February 17, 2009 at 10:50 am

    @ViolentAJ
    You only have to make sure to teach your offspring to sing enka and you’ll be set for life =)


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