Gaijin Smash

Dancing King

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 20, 2007

One of my friends is another JET in my town. Where I’m an ALT, he is a CIR – coordinator for international relations. What this is, is a fancy title for discreetly reading Yahoo! News stories all day long. They do occasionally make him do stuff to justify that paycheck he’s getting from Japanese Uncle Samu. When possible, he likes to drag me along, sometimes I guess because I’ve been here a year longer than he has and he considers my seasoned experience a valued asset, and other times because, I can only guess, he hates my mortal soul to the core and wants to make me suffer as much as humanly possible.
One such time was a program at the welfare center to do Obon dancing for the elderly. I was not opposed to this for a number of reasons. The biggest and most important was that it would get me out of a whole week of afternoon classes at the Ghetto School. I would do anything to get out of class at the Ghetto School. I would sign up for a “Throw 20 Pound Medicine Balls Doused in Jet Fuel and Lit on Fire at the Gaijin’s Exposed Genitals” festival if it meant getting out of class at the Ghetto School. Yes, it is that bad.
Aside from wanting to get away from evil little children, I thought it would be interesting to get to interact with some of the elderly members of the community. As they were around during World War II, they’ve seen Japan go through A LOT of changes. I was sure they would have some interesting stories to tell, and if not, at the very least give them the chance to interact with a foreigner, something that’s hard enough for your average Japanese person.
So one week, me and my friend headed out to the welfare center. On Monday, I ditched The Ghetto, met up with my friend at the town office, and we were picked up by car by one of the welfare center workers. A girl maybe in her late 20’s, I thought she was really cute in a dorky kind of way (I like the dorky look, so sue me). However, as she got out of the car, I saw that not only did some other guy have the same thought, he beat me to it by 8 or 9 months.
Friend: Still think she’s cute?
Me: C’mon, do you really think I’m going to let something as trivial as an almost-fully developed human child stop me?
Friend: Man, you’re awful.
Me: What? When you get married one day and your wife is pregnant, are you really going to abstain from sex for a whole nine months?
Friend: I dunno man. Like, what if you poke the baby in the eye?
Me: Give him an eye-patch and name him Sagat?
We got in the car with Dorky Pregnant and off to the welfare center we went.


Upon arriving, we met the other staff members, most of whom were somewhat less dorky and markedly less pregnant. They thanked us for coming, and told us that since this was traditional and all, the staff was going to be wearing kimono. They didn’t have kimono for us, however they did manage to find some costume festival jackets and yukata for us. They asked if we wouldn’t mind wearing them. Now, I have no objections to the festival jackets at all, in fact they’re kind of cool. My friend however, perhaps wanting to get revenge on me for the whole Dorky Pregnant conversation, decides he’s really going to make me suffer.
Friend: Hey, don’t you have a Matsuken Samba costume you used at the schools?
Me: (under my breath, in English): Shut up. Shut the fuck up…
Staff: What’s that? Matsuken Samba?
Friend: Yeah, he’s got one he used at the schools. I was just thinking, maybe the folks here would get a real kick out of it.
Staff: I think they would! That’s a great idea.
Me: (English): Great, thanks. When your pregnant wife is lusting and lonely I’m gonna go poke your kid’s eye out.
I do realize that “Matsuken Samba” needs further explanation.
One of the things they warn us new incoming ALT’s is that we’ll need a self-introduction for the students. And not anything normal, like “Hi, how are you?”, but something designed to keep the attention spans of 30 Japanese kids focused on you for 50 minutes. My idea was to don a red cape, and become an English teaching superhero. Lame, yes, but it worked very well.
One year and eleventy bajillion superhero introductions later, I no longer wanted to don my Superman mantle. The job of a teacher is one of repetition, and I was more than tired of it. So I needed a new self-intro, and I wanted something that would out-do the cape. Something flashy, something with pizazz. Enter Matsuken.
Around this time, a guy named Ken Matsudaira blew up in popularity thanks to his hit song Matsuken Samba II (yes, there is a Matsuken Samba I, and even subsequently, a Matsuken Samba III). The song is really nothing special – a somewhat catchy tune with maybe 4 or 5 lines of lyrics interspersed within and some dance moves to go with it – perhaps the Japanese version of the Macarena. Part of what helped the act to sell was Matsuken’s look – a shiny, glam gold kimono, complete with a hairstyle done up in the feudal style – shaved across the top, with a single lock of hair placed upon the meat. Of course, Matsuken costumes became a hot commodity, great tools to liven up any office party, wedding, funeral, or traditional bris.

I’d given some thought to donning the Matsuken gold kimono, but I wasn’t too serious about it. After all, it was quite a jump from the red cape, and very flashy. However, I did make the mistake of randomly mentioning it in passing to Ms. Americanized.
Her: So, are you gonna do the superhero thing again this year?
Me: No, I can’t. I don’t have it in me anymore.
Her: Understandable. So then, do you have any ideas?
Me: Well, just one. I was thinking maybe Matsuken.
Her: (thinks about it for exactly one second, then starts laughing uncontrollably)
Me: What?
Her: Oh God, I was just picturing you in the kimono and wig and all. But that’s really just a dream, you’d never actually go through with it.
Me: Says who?
Her: I’ve known you to do some crazy things, but this … no fucking way.
Me: I could do it.
Her: I so don’t believe you.
Me: I totally would do it.
Her: I dare you. I double-dog-dare-you.
Me: Goddamnit, now I have to do it. Where’d you learn “double-dog-dare” anyway?
Her: The British ex-boyfriend.
Me: Same one who introduced you to South Park?
Her: That’s the one.
Me: There ya go.
So I bought the Matsuken Samba kimono, wig, and cheap plastic microphone to boot. And despite all the reservations in the world, I actually took it to school and used it. It was an interesting experience to say the least. In the process, I learned a couple of things.
1. Big black guys wearing samurai wigs and dancing around in shiny gold kimonos is really only funny for the first minute or so.
2. It’s far, far more embarrassing than I anticipated.
3. Shiny gold kimonos and samurai wigs are really fucking hot.
4. Don’t trust Ms. Americanized.*
*I later learned that part of why she laughed so hard, was that she knew I’d be doing my self-intro during the same week the Ghetto School would be having open house. She conveniently failed to mention this to me. Imagine my surprise as I turn the corner and find a hallway full of parents, now dumbstruck over why there is a large black man in a glittering gold Matsuken Samba kimono standing in the hallway.
After my last self-intro that year, I’d really hoped to retire the Matsuken outfit into the Hall of Shame, to join such memorable hits like Treasure Trolls, fanny packs, pogs, hot pants, and anything with Alf’s face on it, never to see the light of day again. Thanks to my friend though, it would seem that Matsuken still had some life left in him. I tried explaining that it was above normal levels of embarrassing, and super-hot to boot, but my friend countered with “C’mon man, these guys are old, they might die soon. If they have to come here for daytime entertainment, then obviously their families have long since left them behind. This might be the last, greatest, most shining moment in their lives before they die. Do you really want to take away that happiness from them?” He said it in Japanese too, to which all the welfare center staff nodded their heads and said “Yes, that’s true”, so then I was really fucked. I pretty much didn’t have a choice.
After a quick trip back home for me to grab my garb (during which, through small talk I was able to learn that Dorky Pregnant is thoroughly un-interesting), I came back, donned the shiny gold kimono, and danced my little heart out once more. Maybe my friend was right – perhaps this was the least I could do for them. If I could get them to smile, even enjoy the day even that much more, then no matter how hot or how embarrassing the whole thing was, it’d be worth it, right? After all, I only had to do it one more time.
Or, so I thought.
After finishing the Matsuken routine, I prepared to burn the costume to prevent this from ever happening again. However, the welfare center staff had other plans for me. “You can leave the costume here if you like” they said to me. Well sure, I guess if one of you guys wants to put it on and dance around in it, by ALL means be my guest. Of course, life isn’t that easy. “Oh, didn’t you know? We have to do the same program every day this week. So, if you could use the costume all this week, that would be really great…”
Swell.
Tuesday at the Ghetto School, before I was to make my afternoon getaway Ms. Americanized asked me about how things went at the welfare center.
Me: Well…ah…that bastard friend of mine, he told them I had a Matsuken costume, and they suckered me into wearing it.
Her: (again, short pause into uncontrollable laughter)
Me: Yeah, yeah, yuk it up.
Her: Let me get this straight. So now, to all the children and elderly of this town, their impression of you is you dancing around in a shiny gold kimono wearing a samurai wig and badly singing a samba?
Me: Really puts those 5 years of university in perspective, doesn’t it?
Her: You know what the funny thing is though? Despite all the stuff you’ve accomplished here in your three years, this is what you’re going to be remembered for.
Me: Well, I guess it could have been worse. At least I didn’t decide to dress up as Hard Gay.
Her: (face lights up in excitement) Oh my GOD, I double-dog-
Me: No. Finish that sentence, and I will hurt you.

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56 Responses

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  1. Shinkada said, on February 20, 2007 at 12:44 am

    A large black version of Hard Gay…?
    Wait, that sentance sounded all wrong, I meant…

    You know what? Just promise to -not do it-.

  2. Caged Penguin said, on February 20, 2007 at 12:56 am

    *hits the floor laughing*
    Me: (English): Great, thanks. When your pregnant wife is lusting and lonely I’m gonna go poke your kid’s eye out.
    Rock on Az!
    Curtis Cage.

  3. Runs With Scissors said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:08 am

    *snicker* hard gay. Actually, I know someone who was at an amusement park (in the US no less) who got humped by Hard Gay as he was visiting. The worst part is that said person KNEW who he was and was subsequently thrilled. *shudder* O__o;;
    Awesome post by the way! I can’t wait to read what happens next!

  4. purplekitty said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:14 am

    You know what this means right? Your “friend” must die! Pffft Hard Gay hahahahaha I double dog dare you!

  5. Corey said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:15 am

    HAHAHAHA God i wish i was there when that happened.

  6. MCHEVA said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:22 am

    Funniest mental picture out

  7. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:36 am

    A big black guy I know already dressed up as Hard Gay for a class skit/competition. It wasn’t pretty.
    For the record, I’m a white girl and I did Guitar Samurai. Gackt was also involved. Big Black Hard Gay skit beat us, but the prize turned out to be shrimp chips or some shit so I don’t care.

  8. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:36 am

    A big black guy I know already dressed up as Hard Gay for a class skit/competition. It wasn’t pretty.
    For the record, I’m a white girl and I did Guitar Samurai. Gackt was also involved. Big Black Hard Gay skit beat us, but the prize turned out to be shrimp chips or some shit so I don’t care.

  9. David K. said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:37 am

    Hard Gay?
    My mind is stubbornly refusing to consider what those words surely mean.

  10. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 2:20 am

    Az… pics are needed.
    Also, who here is familiar with Man-Faye? I once saw him being humped by a Hard Gay cosplayer. ::shudder::

  11. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 2:20 am

    Az… pics are needed.
    Also, who here is familiar with Man-Faye? I once saw him being humped by a Hard Gay cosplayer. ::shudder::

  12. ViolentAJ said, on February 20, 2007 at 3:14 am

    “Hard Gay”? That’s disgusting as fuck.
    I’m pissed off at that man.
    Also, golden kimonos are about as fun as golden showers. I would not be caught dead in one. I’d much rather be chasin’ Charlie back in ‘Nam than wearing some fruity kimono, even if my wife told me to wear one as one of her little “honeydews”.

  13. BrianfromNazareth said, on February 20, 2007 at 3:17 am

    I know that fortunatly for you (unfortunatly for us) your teaching days are over, but back then did the thought occured to you that you could have made self-presentation that would have scared the resident perverts away from your precious parts. Being big guy, doing the hockey mask, coming in with chansaw, axe, scythe, machete and than giving the presentation of the 80’s slasher genre, where undying killers were massacring morally impure teenagers, would have been spectacular. Implanting them the idea, that thoughts about premarital sex and sexual harassment of you may lead them to premature, vicius death when the night falls, may have mentally scarred them for life, bout on the other hand it would have saved you fro Charges of the Kancho brigade.

  14. Ryune said, on February 20, 2007 at 3:23 am

    Oh god. Az + Hard Gay = Scariest Combo EVAR.
    Please don’t. For the sake of your last thread of sanity, don’t do it. EVER.

  15. ViolentAJ said, on February 20, 2007 at 3:51 am

    Heh. Az + Hard Gay. Sounds like a team from Mortal KKKombat, if I ever finish making that game.
    Don’t get married young, kids; don’t get married young….

  16. HiEv said, on February 20, 2007 at 5:04 am

    For those who don’t remember Hard Gay, see this entry:
    http://www.gaijinsmash.net/archives/fooooo.phtml

  17. Kirone said, on February 20, 2007 at 5:28 am

    OMG I know the shame you must have gone through I was suckered into wearing Matsuken outfit aswell ;-;
    oh btw I double-dog-dare ya on the hard gay outfit

  18. saiyanid said, on February 20, 2007 at 5:30 am

    O…M…G… Az, congrats, this was possibly one of your most hilarious articles I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Keep it up!

  19. Hifoid said, on February 20, 2007 at 5:32 am

    Honestly man, you forgot to describe the performance itself. I’m sure there’s at least something funny to be said about a pack of japanese geezers observing your wiggling golden clad black ass.

  20. kaos-chan said, on February 20, 2007 at 5:55 am

    AZ + Hard Gay = Blown minds.

  21. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 7:11 am

    “Give him an eye-patch and name him Sagat?”
    THAT is a very very good idea….

  22. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 7:11 am

    “Give him an eye-patch and name him Sagat?”
    THAT is a very very good idea….

  23. Brandon said, on February 20, 2007 at 7:26 am

    Az as Hard Gay? No, thanks. One Hard Gay in the world is too much.

  24. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 7:30 am

    Az as hard gay? That will be a really traumatic experience for az. hahaha

  25. Anonymous said, on February 20, 2007 at 7:30 am

    Az as hard gay? That will be a really traumatic experience for az. hahaha

  26. Lauren said, on February 20, 2007 at 8:37 am

    So um, were the old people thrilled or not?

  27. Mad Fox said, on February 20, 2007 at 9:09 am

    This thread is useless without pics.

  28. TeratoMarty said, on February 20, 2007 at 9:53 am

    There you have it, Az: America ā¤ ā¤ ā¤ Huge Black Hard Gay. I’ve never been clear; what exactly occurs if you deny a double- or triple-dog dare?
    (For anyone unsure and unwilling to use Google Image Search to find out, Hard Gay is a Japanese dude in vinyl hotpants who runs around dry-humping other dudes. This is by way of comedy, and is only really funny if you are 1. 12 years old, or 2. actually gay yourself. I find his schtick hilarious).

  29. Jenna said, on February 20, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    We’re going to need a picture of you in this outfit. And a Hard Gay outfit.

  30. fatal error said, on February 20, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    Hard Gay rocks, I’m going to be him for Halloween! Uffooooo!

  31. Lacey said, on February 20, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    Well, y’know, you could always dress up as Hard Gay on his day off, when he looks like everyone else. The dare-that-didn’t-quite-happen didn’t specify that usual leather gear, yeah? X3
    Muahaha. Wager something awesome and go for it!
    In any case, this was hilarious. Bravo, amigo!

  32. raspberihevn said, on February 20, 2007 at 5:51 pm

    Despite your hate for HG, that opportunity is too good to pass up! Although, parading around the children and elderly in that getup is another thing… hmm.

  33. Kat said, on February 20, 2007 at 7:20 pm

    Awwe you poor thing. That reminds me of last Hallowe’en when I was dressed up as ANBU from Naruto, which looked cool by itself until my friends forced me to sing Ice, Ice Baby at the karoake…
    Mind you, my experience wasn’t nearly as embarassing as yours. *offers a hug*
    On another note, having sex with a pregnant woman is safe through all the 9 months, but if you’re REALLY determined to name your kid Sagat and give him an eye patch, you could always hope for an eye problem.

  34. Patrick said, on February 20, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    Okay, that was just too funny. I know that you don’t teach kids anymore, but if you ever go back to that, may I suggest getting one of those makeup kits and introducing yourself as “The Man with No Ass!” Can’t kancho what isn’t there…
    Or, you know, the whole Jason/Freddy/Pinhead “I’ll slaughter you in your sleep for fondling anybody” intro.

  35. Defectron said, on February 21, 2007 at 12:48 am

    I quintuple dog dare you!

  36. soumakyo said, on February 21, 2007 at 4:06 am

    Hey, I as-many-dogs-as-you-wantuple dare you not to dress as hard Gay ! So if anyone get you by surprise you’re protected ! “err, sorry, i’m already daring NOT to do it, a life-long dare…”
    also I now understand why Sagat is so angry all the time…

  37. Anonymous said, on February 21, 2007 at 6:26 am

    One. Word. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

  38. Anonymous said, on February 21, 2007 at 6:26 am

    One. Word. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

  39. Chapree Da Grande said, on February 21, 2007 at 11:58 am

    Come on! Do that thing! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! XD.
    Btw, somehow someway, your Typekey doesn’t work. I don’t know how the first commenter did it but when I tried, it didn’t work.

  40. Sean said, on February 21, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Beautiful. Just beautiful. One of your best yet, Az.
    Usually when I write LOL I’m perhaps mildly grinning, so this would be more ROTFLOL by that standard.

  41. El-Ahrairah said, on February 22, 2007 at 6:18 pm

    Sorry, this was just too perfect.
    http://part110044.ytmnd.com/
    Great story as always Az.

  42. chris said, on February 23, 2007 at 4:40 am

    i just googled Matsuken Samba to get a better picture in my head lmao i still cant see you wearing that!
    the things you do for the kids.

  43. Mr. Bomberman said, on February 23, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    Az loves the kids… A little bit too much.

  44. eViL tEnNyO said, on February 23, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    LMAO!!!! OMG that would be hilarious!! i remember finding out about Hard gay in a BBC interview.
    Also, do you have any pics of you in the Matsuken outfit! I’d love to see that lol

  45. FlyingFish said, on February 24, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    You really need to double-dog-dare Miss Americanized to wear something ridiculous(ly hot) in return for all this.

  46. sean said, on February 24, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    I am waiting for the huge hard gayzilla to take on Tokyo now!

  47. Excel-2007 said, on February 28, 2007 at 1:13 am

    I find it hard to imagine a black man in a kimono at all.

  48. Knedl[SLO] said, on March 1, 2007 at 4:30 pm

    How in the world can a person have a 50 minute self-introduction??? If I were a teacher there I would have a minute or so of self-introduction.
    Hey, Az, how can someone present him/herself for 50 minutes? That’s impossible for me.

  49. Anonymous said, on March 3, 2007 at 3:35 am

    Me: (English): Great, thanks. When your pregnant wife is lusting and lonely I’m gonna go poke your kid’s eye out.
    Pwn. Funny thing is, your conversations with your friend remind me of the way me and my bud treat each other. That situatuion sounds totally like what would happen if we were in that situation. If I knew he had that gold kimono I would have totally mentioned it, the old people dying bit sounds like me too.
    Anyways, great, great, great post. šŸ˜€

  50. Anonymous said, on March 3, 2007 at 3:35 am

    Me: (English): Great, thanks. When your pregnant wife is lusting and lonely I’m gonna go poke your kid’s eye out.
    Pwn. Funny thing is, your conversations with your friend remind me of the way me and my bud treat each other. That situatuion sounds totally like what would happen if we were in that situation. If I knew he had that gold kimono I would have totally mentioned it, the old people dying bit sounds like me too.
    Anyways, great, great, great post. šŸ˜€

  51. Beavis Saves said, on March 4, 2007 at 8:28 pm

    Give him an eye patch and name him Sagat? Street Fighter jokes are always funny.

  52. Slsonicman said, on March 7, 2007 at 2:20 am

    What your friend did is exactly what I would do. Cheers to him :D.

  53. Lauren C. said, on May 12, 2007 at 11:53 am

    Oh my god, Hard Gay!
    maybe you could be like, Hard Black.
    Ms. Americanized is so freaking awesome…XD

  54. Yaaka said, on July 30, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    Me: Give him an eye-patch and name him Sagat?
    please do this…

  55. ish said, on June 19, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    if i poked my developing child’s eye out i would name him Snake and give him the eye patch,if it was a girl,id name her Baiken,lol.i’m not sure what kind of action i would need to get into to relieve her of ther arm but w/e. and thank you,i think if i ever do the JET i will introduce myself as Hard Gay, or maybe i’ll come in dressed as the World Warrior. or matsushiro ken, but i need stubble,which don’t actually have

  56. Ian Suttle said, on April 12, 2009 at 11:09 am

    You know, almost every time I go to Japan it’s ONLY the elderly with whom I seem to interact (excepting Japanese teachers and other foreigners). When I do a homestay my host family seems to always be an elderly couple (or a single elderly woman) whose children have moved out…


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