Gaijin Smash

Speech Contest

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 13, 2007

The girls in the English Club at the School of Peace participate in English speech contests. The biggest of which is called Prince Takamado or something like that, and is held on the national level at Tokyo. Before getting to that point though, each prefecture holds a semi-final to determine which kids they would send to Tokyo to represent them in the contest. Both Ultimate Sweetness, and another girl I’ll call “Mel”, decided to enter this contest.
Sweetness was playing to win. She’d lost in a big competition the year before, and seeing as how many of her other English Club friends had won various other contests of their own, Sweetness wanted to finally win in something. She wrote a charming speech about how much she loves her family (it’s Ultimate Sweetness … would you expect anything less?), especially her father.
I’d known before that the Father of Sweetness was some kind of national judo champion. But apparently, in addition to that he was also handsome. *Very* handsome. The English teacher told me about meeting him once, and as she put it, “I couldn’t really look him in the eyes without getting all faint in the knees.” And this woman is not the swooning type. From reading Sweetness’s paper, Father of Sweetness was also a big advocate of free-thinking and gender equality. Are we sure this guy is Japanese? Seriously, free-thought and gender equality go against like everything Japanese men believe in. They go to work and do exactly as they are told to, then go home and order the missus to have dinner ready and bring him a beer. And to do that exactly the way it’s always been done, for any deviation would cause the Earth beneath Japan to crack and the whole nation to sink into the Pacific.


Sweetness herself has said that she never plans on getting married, because she will never find a man more perfect than her father and she doesn’t want to disappoint herself. Oh yeah, and the house they live in – Father of Sweetness built it with his own two hands. This entire family is tripping on some Leave it to Beaver shit, I’m telling you. This is just insanity. I’m sure if I were ever to pay a visit to the Sweetness Household, it would all be in black and white, they’d have a sharp-witted but ultimately lovable nanny, and Lassie. Not a dog that looks like Lassie, no, actual Lassie resurrected from the dead and granted immortality. All of their family problems are solved in 25 minutes or less, somebody always learns something new, and there’s a studio audience to laugh at all their jokes. Unbe-fuckin-lieveable.
Anyway, Sweetness as well as Mel practice their hearts out, and eventually the day of the competition comes. As the competition was on Saturday, the English teacher asked if I would come along as well. I’d been helping the students with their speeches for several months, and she felt it would be beneficial if I was on hand. I agreed to go, wanting to see the competition for myself.
Looking around at some of the other kids, this competition was serious business. There were a few students from ritzy private schools. There was a large delegation of girls from some school, I don’t know if it was private or not, what I do know is that they had the ugliest fucking school uniforms, ever. It was a simple white shirt, and then like a brown overall-dress kind of thing. It made them all look like moo-cows. Whoever came up with this design was either a homeless man on meth, or an absolute genius. I say genius, because I doubt any old men will be trying to feel up these Moo-Cow Girls on the trains. If you were a pervert and you wanted to fondle some 15-year old under-developed T&A, would you go for the girl wearing a potato sack? I think not. These are the safest girls in all of Japan.
However, going to the competition did give me one rare opportunity – to meet Ultimate Sweetness’s parents! Now, Mother of Sweetness struck me as just your average Japanese woman. Nothing particularly special there. However, Father of Sweetness, well, he was kind of good-looking. Sort of like a rugged, man’s man, which is rare in Japan. Japan is all about the pretty boys – you’ll see men who spend just as much time on their hair and wardrobe, if not more than, any woman. A lot of times, I’ll see a couple walking down the street, and at a first glance I can’t tell which is the man and which is the woman- the man’s hair is all done up and he’s wearing ambiguous clothes, and the woman doesn’t have enough of a girlish figure to distinguish her from the man. Gotta love Japan.
But Father of Sweetness sort of had this “I’m stylish, but I would still kill a wild boar with my bare hands and eat it on the spot” kind of thing going. I could see why my English teacher, who is very mature and othewise 100% no-nonsense, would get faint in the knees in the presence of this man.
I’m not gay. Honestly.
The teacher introduces me with “He’s a big fan of your daughter.” Given how fond this teacher is of telling the story about how I want to kidnap Ultimate Sweetness, I desperately hoped she wouldn’t say anything beyond that that would make this beautiful little man want to kick my ass. Because he could, y’know. More than anything, I really wanted to ask him how exactly he made Sweetness – what he fed her when she was younger, the types of bedtime stories he read to her, everything up to and including what he ate the night Sweetness was conceived.
My curiosities aside, we were all here for a speech contest. The competition started, and both Ultimate Sweetness and Mel performed splendidly. Neither forgot any lines and their pronunciation was on point. Ultimate Sweetness, who one day aspires to become a stage actress, smiled and tilted her head generously, and if only for a moment, there was peace all over the world.
Since Mel and Sweetness performed fairly early in the contest, I was able to just sit back and try to get a bead on the competition. I thought they both had a pretty good chance. There were two kids who choked, and a lot of mediocre speeches. There were really only two that stood out to me. In one, a boy talked about people using their cell phones on the trains, and how bad Japanese people’s manners were becoming lately. It’s strange, despite the plethora of other bad behaviors you’ll find on a train, including but not limited to reading porn, groping women, putting on makeup, and getting drunk, the biggest train faux pas is having a cell phone conversation. You and a friend can be having a conversation by screaming at the top of your lungs at each other, and yet somehow this is less rude than whispering into a cell phone. Make the unforgivable mistake of being Gaijin AND talking on a cell phone on a train, and Japanese people will look at you not only as if it was you personally who dropped the a-bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but before getting in the plane you decided to kick a few puppies around for good measure. I think I could actually just whip out my cock and slap a few obasan in the face, and that would be less offensive than talking on my cell phone on a train.
The other notable contestant was one of the Moo-Cow Girls. Although, maybe she was really only notable to me, because her speech started off with the line “I am a gothloli. That is to say, I am a lolita who likes Gothic fashions.”
GOOD MOOOOOOOOOORNING SUNSHINE!
If you want to make sure everyone in the room is listening, that’s your opener right there. I don’t care what the speech is. You can be the President of the United States, and if you get up to face the nation and are like, “My fellow Americans. I am a gothloli. That is to say, I am a lolita who likes Gothic fashions…”, Congress, the American public, the Canadian Republic, all 1 billion of the People’s Republic of China, the French Connection UK, I don’t care who, everybody will be giving you their rapt, undivided attention.
The rest of the speech turned out to be pretty good, but I had to wonder if the judges were going to be able to look past the gothloli thing. I was certainly having a hard time with it. I was having an even harder time processing the fact that this particular girl was a Moo-Cow by day and a Gothic Lolita by night. It makes my medulla oblongata hurt just thinking about it.
Everyone finished their speeches, and after a short break, the winners were presented. No, wait, this is Japan. Before the winners were to be announced, 41,983 people had to get up and give speeches about their impression of the speech contest. Because, God help you, if you actually enjoyed the speeches, we’re gonna take that little glimmer of happiness and stomp the shit out of it. Anyway, the top three speeches would be chosen as the best in Kyoto Prefecture, and those students would move on to the national competition in Tokyo. Ranking in at number three was our very own Mel! Number two was the cell phone kid. And number one was none other than Ms. Moo-Cow Gothloli. It’s nice to know that Kyoto’s #1 representative will be rocking the stage in either a how-now-brown-cow frock, or a black maid outfit with spiky bracelets and chains. Swell.
Thinking about it though, Moo-Cow Gothloli, Cell Phone Train Boy, and Mel’s speeches all followed a pattern – this is something I noticed in my life, this is how I believe it relates to Japanese society, and this is what we should do to all live in happy smiley-land harmony. Ultimate Sweetness’s speech, while well-written, excellently performed, and so Goddamned adorable you just want to kill something to restore balance to The Force, didn’t follow the pattern. In the months before the contest, I had noticed that there was something different about Sweetness’s speech, and was concerned, but ultimately I figured she could make it work. Unfortunately, I was being all American and thinking outside of the box. Remember that Japanese people are all about the box – they want to make tender, passionate love to the box and then immediately fall asleep afterwards.
However Sweetness, who had poured her heart and soul into this speech with the hopes of winning, was understandably crushed. She tried her hardest, but after the contest she couldn’t help but to cry. Her parents, the English teacher, and the other members of the English club formed a circle around her to try and comfort her. Sweetness tries to suck it up, and in between the tears she says “I’m sorry everyone. I know I let you down. I promise I’ll try harder next year and restore your faith in me!” Everyone in the circle can’t help but to smile and aww and gush at Sweetness. And while some of you may find it cold hearted that a group of children and adults would be smiling and laughing at a girl who’s crying her heart out, that’s just how off-the-charts adorable this girl is. There is nothing she could do that wouldn’t be heart-warming. She could be taking an explosive, diarrhea shit and it would somehow be cuter than Hello Kitty. She could be punching you in the face and under the bruises you’d still feel all warm and cuddly inside. Seriously, it’s kind of frightening.
At any rate, Sweetness loses this round, to a Gothic Lolita no less. In the fiction world, this is equivalent to Megatron besting Optimus Prime, Cobra sticking it hard to the Joes, and Skeletor beating He-Man in a bout of arm wrestling.
Meanwhile, with pretty much our whole delegation trying to comfort Sweetness, I turned my attention to Mel, who had done the not-insignificant thing of qualifying to go on to the national tournament. In Mel’s case, it was a particularly notable accomplishment. She’d transferred to this school as a sannensei, and being a somewhat shy and reclusive girl she’d had problems making friends. She joined the English Club, but often times found her separated from the other students, who were all ninensei and ichinensei. I told Mel that it was so small feat to qualify for any national speech contest, especially one in English. Mel seemed to accept her praise rather quietly, then thanked me for “helping her to grow up a little.”
Later, at the national competition in Tokyo, Mel performed her speech well again, but was unable to place. I do feel however that this is one of those situations where winning wasn’t everything. I think by just being able to go, and give a speech on a national stage like that was a huge accomplishment. And, up until her graduation, Mel was the English-speaking hero of the school.

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56 Responses

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  1. Tornado said, on February 13, 2007 at 12:56 am

    dude, this is awesome. Mind if I link to it on my blog? I was an expat stockbroker in Japan (female) and your writing has me in stitches.
    (Az’s note – Sure.)

  2. Joe said, on February 13, 2007 at 1:02 am

    Touching story since it happened to Sweetness. One thing to remember for speeches and presentations is to know your audience, as you mentioned not so directly.

  3. Azrael said, on February 13, 2007 at 1:17 am

    An afterword, of sorts…
    The English teacher originally just gave me the students Japanese version of the speeches, and asked me to translate it. I felt really iffy about that, I thought that the students were supposed to write their own speeches in English. I translated their speeches, but tried to keep it on a junior high school student level.
    Upon going to the contest, and then reading the transcripts of the speeches that went to the national level, it was clear to see that NONE of these kids had actually written the English version of their speeches. I’ve seen American college students write far inferior compositions.
    Additionally, I knew nothing about the contest, and didn’t know what kind of judges there would be and what kind of speeches they were looking for. In retrospect, I could have transformed Sweetness’s speech into something that probably would have gotten her to Tokyo, had I known everything. I feel bad about that, but ultimately I see it as a learning experience for myself as well.
    Besides, I think Moo-Cow Goth Loli and Cell Phone Boy would have definitely gotten nods either way, and while I love Sweetness to death ultimately I think it was best that Mel got the final nod.

  4. rock strongo said, on February 13, 2007 at 1:26 am

    I’ve been reading your articles for the better part of 3 years, and it’s nice to see that you still have a few good stories up your sleeve. I love how it can dispel many myths about Japan, but at the same time come up with new stereotypes and exaggerations (kancho, anyone?).
    It almost makes me want to quit my current major (Nursing; and yes, I am a dude) and take up an English major and go do JET for one or two years.
    Keep writing good stories, and I’ll keep reading them.

  5. Tornado said, on February 13, 2007 at 1:29 am

    i tried to use the ‘contact’ panel but that doesn’t seem to work? My writing is nothing compared to yours, but there are a couple of stories in the ‘tokyo stories’ section of my blog that you might enjoy. Japan is sooooo screwed up.
    (Az’s note – azrael atto outpostnine.com. Better.

  6. HiEv said, on February 13, 2007 at 1:39 am

    Now I’m curious. You mention that the winners’ speeches followed a pattern, but Ultimate Sweetness’s speech didn’t. If you can describe it, what was the pattern?

  7. Chrome Newfie said, on February 13, 2007 at 2:56 am

    For that matter, did you share your insight with Ultimate? She might appreciate it.
    Just a few moments of Poppa Sweetness and I already want to hear more about the family. Maybe instead of kidnapping Ultimate, you can arrange to rent a room from the Sweetness family, offsetting the cost by selling the rights to the resulting sitcom to Japanese television. Yes, it’s “Sweet/Az Hani”, the hilarious weekly antics of a not-so-average Japanese family and their pet gaijin! It’d be big in Japan…
    Um, sorry, Az, the doctor is waving the hypodermic at me and we all know what comes next… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. BrandeX said, on February 13, 2007 at 3:15 am

    If you really want to go teach english for just a couple years, by all means continue whatever itis you are studying. You only need a 4 year degree in any field.

  9. Ikkonoishi said, on February 13, 2007 at 3:16 am

    I think she meant Gothic like the architecture not gothic like the people who wear too much makeup.
    Lots of lace and frilly stuff.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gothic_Lolita

  10. soumakyo said, on February 13, 2007 at 3:58 am

    wohoo, what a long entry, it was hard to contain my laughter several times (13.2th commandment : thou shall not read gaijinsmash at work)
    and about the gender ambiguity in japan, it’s so true ! I remember this time we were sittting on a bench with some (gaijin) friends, and a Japanese couple passed us. After a few moments, one of my friend turns to us and asked
    – whoa, was that a guy or a girl ?
    another friend, and me, answered at the exact same time :
    – which one ?
    damn asexual glorifying culture !

  11. Caged Penguin said, on February 13, 2007 at 9:52 am

    Ah, what a memory.
    This is something to be fond of Az.
    Thanks for the post.
    Curtis Cage.

  12. djtodd said, on February 13, 2007 at 11:26 am

    I know it was just an expression, but Canada isn’t a republic.
    Pedant mode off. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Shiro said, on February 13, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    hi ^^ thanx for the new post! i’ve been reading for years! I am a goth loli too~~ but no french maid/spiky bracelets!! >< it’s about class and elegance, and being a refined lady in a modern world~ please spread THAT image of Goth Loli~ thanx

  14. Claire said, on February 13, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    Oh, why did you just decide to call her “Mel”? Because her real name sounds similar?

  15. Zantetsu said, on February 13, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    Az, the rule to winning a competition is always to suck up to the judges. It works like that in Japan, it works like that in Malta as well.

  16. TeratoMarty said, on February 13, 2007 at 2:13 pm

    Uhh yeah… I know that Japan has different sexual mores, and I’m kinda gay and all, but the thought of a young woman getting up in front of a crowd of people and announcing herself to be an anything-Lolita worries me. Where was her father?! Did he listen to her practice her speech at *all*? I mean, maybe he’s the one who arranged for her to go to Moo-Cow School, but he’s still got to take her reins in hand.
    On the other hand, if a majority of the judges were male, we can see exactly why Lolita Moo-Cow beat Sweetness.

  17. Kyo said, on February 13, 2007 at 4:10 pm

    Ultimate Sweetness and explosive diarrhoea in the same sentence? I know you’re just trying to give us a sense of her adorableness but it still seems kind of wrong to put that in the same sentence.

  18. Gabe said, on February 13, 2007 at 4:48 pm

    Az, you do realize that meerly speaking the name of the Ultimate Sweetness you lose 10 readers due to heart attack? Keep ’em comming!

  19. Tina said, on February 13, 2007 at 4:59 pm

    I love reading your entries. My brother showed me them during college and I couldn’t stop laughing.

  20. john nemo said, on February 13, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    for some reason, your discription of poppa sweetness is bring to mind my favorite japanese actor, toshiro mifune.

  21. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2007 at 8:28 pm

    man japenese ppl in the box. well i glad sweetness and mel give their best.
    u keep on mentioning sweetness. u think we can see a pic of her or you wanna protect her from craze internet boys. lol j/k

  22. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2007 at 8:28 pm

    man japenese ppl in the box. well i glad sweetness and mel give their best.
    u keep on mentioning sweetness. u think we can see a pic of her or you wanna protect her from craze internet boys. lol j/k

  23. Diosamblet said, on February 13, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    Greatly entertaining, as always. I was a bit put out by the references to cock slapping and explosive diarrhea. I really do enjoy your writing style, but somehow I felt that those two instances went too far and ended up just, gross. I don’t think anyone wishes to imagine Ultimate Sweetness with explosive diarrhea…

  24. Mr. Bomberman said, on February 13, 2007 at 9:49 pm

    My faith in humanity just dropped.
    I dunno though, did that goth~loli chick “do something” to the judges beforehand?! That might be the only way.
    or maybe I’m a nasty, perverted jerkass…?
    Also, I’d invite poppa sweetness to Bedstuy, Brooklyn if he’s such a “man”.

  25. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    “Uhh yeah… I know that Japan has different sexual mores, and I’m kinda gay and all, but the thought of a young woman getting up in front of a crowd of people and announcing herself to be an anything-Lolita worries me. Where was her father?! Did he listen to her practice her speech at *all*? I mean, maybe he’s the one who arranged for her to go to Moo-Cow School, but he’s still got to take her reins in hand.”
    No, the “Lolita” in Gothic Lolita isn’t what you’re thinking about, see here for an explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gothic_Lolita#.22Lolita.22
    I second djtodd, the “French maid” image of Gothic & Lolita is incorrect. If you see anyone wearing a maid costume and claiming it’s Gothic & Lolita, they’re probably a n00b. Maids are seen as cosplay, which is looked down upon by gothlolis.

  26. Anonymous said, on February 13, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    “Uhh yeah… I know that Japan has different sexual mores, and I’m kinda gay and all, but the thought of a young woman getting up in front of a crowd of people and announcing herself to be an anything-Lolita worries me. Where was her father?! Did he listen to her practice her speech at *all*? I mean, maybe he’s the one who arranged for her to go to Moo-Cow School, but he’s still got to take her reins in hand.”
    No, the “Lolita” in Gothic Lolita isn’t what you’re thinking about, see here for an explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gothic_Lolita#.22Lolita.22
    I second djtodd, the “French maid” image of Gothic & Lolita is incorrect. If you see anyone wearing a maid costume and claiming it’s Gothic & Lolita, they’re probably a n00b. Maids are seen as cosplay, which is looked down upon by gothlolis.

  27. long time reader said, on February 13, 2007 at 10:00 pm

    Good post.
    Would liked to hear more insight into the pattern, how Japanese think inside the box, etc. another time.
    Good story though. Thanks

  28. Anonymous (who also posted at February 13, 2007 09:55 PM) said, on February 13, 2007 at 10:40 pm

    I actually mean I second Shiro. I read the comments wrong. Sorry for the double-comment.
    But anyway, something I’d been wanting to say for a long time, but never had a chance to since there were no comments before:
    Az, you have awesome humour skills. I could never compare. I sent this to a friend and sometimes we’ll quote your editorials to each other, and it never fails to make us crack up.

  29. Runs With Scissors said, on February 13, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    I laughed out loud more than once at this post ^___^ lassie… heh

  30. YukataNinja said, on February 13, 2007 at 10:59 pm

    Dude, one of my favorite games is “guy or girl?”! But now I’m afraid a trip to Japan would wear the enjoyment of guessing out.

  31. Azrael said, on February 13, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    Even more elaboration (I should have done this in the first place, huh?).
    Moo-Cow Goth Loli and Cell Phone Boy’s speeches were actually really good. MCGL’s speech was about, how since she dresses and looks a certain way, people make bad judgements about her and her friends, when really they’re all nice people. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could stop judging people based solely on how they look?
    Cell Phone Boy’s speech was about bad cell phone manners on the train – how people are becoming inconsiderate of others. Instead of focusing on a partner on the other end of the line, we should first take notice of the people around us and not cause them problems. Then, wouldn’t society be a little better?
    So, following the pattern of “this is what I noticed/this is how it affects society/this is what we should do for positive change”, basically these are contest-winning speeches. And given that neither MCGL or CPB messed up during the recitation, they were going to win. I wasn’t sure if the whole gothloli thing was going to throw off the judges, but evidently it didn’t (and if she had lost, she would have just proved her point about gothloli discrimination).
    Mel’s speech was about animals – certain animal behaviors she noticed, and how we could apply those behaviors to society to make it a better place to life. Which is why she was able to take third. Sweetness’s speech, in the background of how much she loved her family, briefly touched on a number of things – gender equality, family values, crime among children, bullying – but didn’t take one and run with it as the winning three did.

  32. missmephy said, on February 13, 2007 at 11:49 pm

    Gothloli is cuter than any other subculture, and you know it. well any subculture other than Ultimate Sweetness.

  33. Luke said, on February 14, 2007 at 10:15 am

    I also had a Toshiro Mifune image of Sweetness’ dad. Does he look like “Clean Mifune” i.e. in Stray Dog or The Bad Sleep Well? Or is he like “Bearded Mifune” like in almost any Samurai movie?

  34. Megs said, on February 14, 2007 at 11:02 am

    Funny experience!
    Thanks to Japan I now can’t distinguish the difference of a good looking guy from a girly looking guy ;_;

  35. Gunlord said, on February 14, 2007 at 12:15 pm

    At least Sweetness tried her best ;_;
    I’ve never understood Goth Loli, though…out of curiosity, does anyone know why it’s so popular amongst Japanese girls? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  36. AutumnFire said, on February 14, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    Excellent post, Az. Thanks for making me laugh today.

  37. TeratoMarty said, on February 14, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    Interesting Wiki article about the gothloli, Anonymous. However, even if the little fashion victims don’t know from Humbert Humbert, I’m sure the connotations of “Lolita” are not lost on the notoriously pervtacular Japanese men. My feelings are basically unchanged: if I was Lolita Moo-Cow’s father, she would be grounded until she was 35, for her own good.

  38. Lewis said, on February 14, 2007 at 4:37 pm

    Just a quick bit of pedantry: Megatron actually killed Optimus Prime in the animated Transformers movie (although he was mortally wounded in the process).
    (Az’s Note: Yeah, but I don’t count that, as I don’t really acknowledge the TF movie. I refuse to believe that Optimus Prime would die to *a hole in his side*. That’s just bad writing.)

  39. john nemo said, on February 14, 2007 at 8:22 pm

    i beg to difer lewis. Megatron dident kill prime, that bastard Hotrod did, by getting in the way.
    (Az’s Note: Thank you, you awesome person you.)

  40. ViolentAJ said, on February 14, 2007 at 11:35 pm

    Boku ha Kokujin.
    Japanese people hate Black people. You’d better be careful man, there are Charlies all in those jungles. You’d best come back home to the States, where at least you can get welfare or maybe an Affirmative Action supplied job.

  41. Jonah Rapp said, on February 14, 2007 at 11:43 pm

    To continue this brief little foray off-topic, the only reason I accept what happened in TF:TM is that it paved the way for “The Return of Optimus Prime” the following season, with its much better written death scene that still completely wrecks me.
    Also, in the world of fanfic, it was fun to posit parallel realities’ versions of events where Prime either didn’t die, or the events played out differently in other ways, and how that effects the — forgive me — prime timeline. But then, I was exactly the right age in 1984 to become a total TF geek. And proud of it, too. ๐Ÿ™‚

  42. tokyobilly said, on February 15, 2007 at 12:39 am

    i have been teaching english to japanese kindergarden kids in tokyo for the past year. it’s been fun, and i’ve been enjoying my time in this crazy country. i just recently came across your blog and wanted to let you know i think it’s really entertaining and well written. personally, i love the obscure and gross references… looking forward to reading more of ’em.

  43. Colin said, on February 15, 2007 at 1:04 am

    Ah, yes, Az, I remember that editorial from the site. I recall it giving me chills as I flashed back to the horrible, horrible experience I had to endure in witnessing the death of the greatest hero ever, Optimus Prime. Damn you, Hotrod! Damn you to hell!

  44. ViolentAJ said, on February 15, 2007 at 5:48 am

    Ok. I cannot post this in the v-day thing, so I’ll post here. You’re right, asian girls beg for White dudes. They’ll tell you you’ll get laid in Japan (unless you are Black). That is the case.
    There’s the way it oughta be, there’s the way it is, and always will be.

  45. Dr. McNinja said, on February 17, 2007 at 2:47 am

    “I desperately hoped she wouldn’t say anything beyond that that would make this beautiful little man want to kick my ass.”
    Win.

  46. Odeena said, on February 17, 2007 at 11:53 am

    Hello, the contact form here doesn’t seem to work, so… could you please give me your e-mail address, MSN or any other contact information? I’ll be moving to Osaka in April to start studying there, so I could really use some help on a few matters… [just harmless questions, that’s all :)].
    Thanks~!
    (Az’s Note: azrael@outpostnine.com)

  47. Jay said, on February 19, 2007 at 9:42 am

    Love your stuff, mate. You keep writing and I’ll keep reading.

  48. Jess said, on February 25, 2007 at 9:22 pm

    Hey, I think I know that school with the Moo-Cow uniforms. One of the girls around town goes there.

  49. Slsonicman said, on March 7, 2007 at 2:39 am

    “The other notable contestant was one of the Moo-Cow Girls. Although, maybe she was really only notable to me, because her speech started off with the line “I am a gothloli. That is to say, I am a lolita who likes Gothic fashions.”
    GOOD MOOOOOOOOOORNING SUNSHINE!
    If you want to make sure everyone in the room is listening, that’s your opener right there.”
    Litterally LMAO. I could not get over this, as I thought the same thing. And the “SUNSHINE! just made it better. You ROCK, man.
    And btw, is there a pic of Ultimate Sweetness? In all of your editorials about her you make it seems like she’s so cute someone could die happy 50 years from now just by remembering her face. If you can have a picture of Watson after all that crap he did, you can have a picture of Ultimate Sweetness too.

  50. Chelsea said, on March 15, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    Wow! Those ugly uniforms sounds like the one my host student wore when I visited Japan! I wonder if it was the same school considering I stayed in Kyoto. You’re totally right about them being the safest uniforms!

  51. Lauren C. said, on May 12, 2007 at 11:38 am

    hey now, don’t go bashing the goth lolis. ;)You’re gonna have every single one of us on your ass beating you with our parasols if you keep it up. XDD
    Yeah, I remember you having a photo gallery on Outpost nine, right? I’d love to see pictures again of the ‘characters’ in these things. Especially Sweetness of course…I saw one picture of her. so cute! I even tried to research her father, but no luck. D: probably didn’t have the right keywords, but I really wanted to see what he looked like!

  52. love said, on July 11, 2007 at 1:25 am

    [Japan is all about the pretty boys – you’ll see men who spend just as much time on their hair and wardrobe, if not more than, any woman.}
    Nothing wrong with bishounen…I remember a friend of mine had some random pics in her school diary of some Jap guys that looked EXACTLY like girls…o_O

  53. Gyorgy Pressey said, on August 8, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    Being new to reading your post I am only at this point thus far, but it is thoroughly enjoyable, and I will continue to enjoy it until you no longer post or sanity prevails in Japan(I think the former to be a more likely scenario :-)). Anyway, I also wanted to state Canada is not a republic, rather Canada is a parliamentary democracy and a constitutional monarchy with Queen Elizabeth II as its head of state. Being Canadian I suffer from the small country complex, like Hungarians for Hungary (where I currently live) or any other country really. Irregardless, love it, and keep it up.
    G

  54. Xin said, on September 23, 2007 at 7:36 am

    More heroic than even Ultimate Sweetness?

  55. Anonymous said, on August 27, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    Sorry Az…. We Canadians are not a republic. But good try!

  56. Anonymous said, on August 27, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    Sorry Az…. We Canadians are not a republic. But good try!


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