Gaijin Smash

Gaijin Perimeter, Revisited

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on January 31, 2007

I was on a train with one of my friends and my girlfriend. I’m the first Gaijin Boyfriend she’s ever had, so for her dating me has been a real experience to say the least. It’s exposed her to a side of Japan she just never knew. …And doesn’t particularly like. The poor girl though, she’s tried so hard to stay optimistic about even the stupidest of things.
So anyway, me, her, and my friend were on a train coming home from Kyoto. My friend took the opportunity to point out the Gaijin Perimeter to her. I was sitting on a bench with my girlfriend to my left, but no one had sat down in the empty space to my right. My friend was on the bench opposite us – there was someone sitting to his right (they had been sitting there when he sat down) but no one had sit down in the empty space to his left.
Him: You see, this is what we call the “Gaijin Perimeter”. Notice how nobody is sitting next to me or your boyfriend.
Her: Yeah, but…it’s not a bad thing! Maybe they’re just tired and want to stand?
Him: Okay, think about it for a second. When have you ever seen a Japanese person not fight, almost to the death even, over an empty seat on the train?
Her: (Looks at me)
Me: Well, he’s got a point.
Her: (To my friend and me) I’m so, so sorry.
Us: We’re used to it by now.
Anyway, someone eventually does sit in the empty seat next to my friend, a young girl.
Her: Hey! See! Someone sat there!
Me: Yeah, but she also looks like she’s in fear of her mortal life. Her ass is barely touching the seat.
Him: Right. Cause I’m such a Big, Scary Gaijin (he’s a skinny white dude)
Her: She does look awfully uncomfortable…(to her) Hey! He’s not scary! He’s nice!
Us: Ohmygoddon’tdothat!
Her: Why?
Him: That’s only going to make them look at us more.
Incidentally, no one did ever sit in the empty seat next to me.


We had to change trains anyway after ten minutes. We lined up as the next train rolled in, and I noticed that the train car seemed awfully empty. My girlfriend rejoiced – we would be able to sit down! I however knew there was something fishy – an empty train car on the last train out of Kyoto on a Saturday night? Something wasn’t right. The doors opened, my girlfriend rushed in, and her immediate gag reaction and recoil in horror confirmed my suspicions – someone had puked all over one of the train benches and the floor in this train car.
It was pretty nasty – we moved further down the train car. I wanted to change train cars entirely, but as there were more people packed in this end (no doubt running from the puke) it became harder to move about. We finally stopped maybe half a train car away from the scene of the crime.
Maybe a few minutes out of the station, I noticed something interesting/disturbing…
Me: Now, how does this work? We’re on a train car full of puke…and people are STILL staring at us!
Her: Well, maybe they just don’t want to look at the puke.
Him: So they choose to look at us instead? That’s comforting.
In particular, there were two young women in front of us that just kept GLARING at me and my gf. We were trying to figure out if it was a vicious “leave our women alone!” glare, or one of intense burning jealousy.
Although, it was insanely interesting to watch people at the next station get on the train and head for the empty bench only to be replused as they found it covered in vomit. One dude though, assessed the situation and deciding that since the vomit was primarily located on the center of the bench, he could safely sit down on the corner of the bench, which he did. It was at this time that I noticed that although the bench with the vomit on it was fairly empty (save the one guy sitting down on the corner), the bench across from the vomit was full to capacity with six adults sitting on it. …Keep in mind that the vomit isn’t just on the bench, but on the floor as well. Meaning no one sitting on that bench across could stretch out their legs without ruining their shoes.
A few minutes later, my friend’s spirits hit an incredible low. We ask him why, and he says one of the most prolific things I’ve heard to date.
Him: This really goes to show you our (Gaijin) place in Japanese society, doesn’t it? Japanese people will sit across from nasty vomit, but no one will dare to sit next to me.
It’s sad/hilarious because it’s true.
He said this in Japanese as well (so that my gf would understand), and it was really funny, cause all the people who were staring at us suddenly stopped. Except for the two women in front who either wanted to lynch me, or lynch my girlfriend and get aboard the Chocolate Gaijin Love Train. We never did figure out which one.
Meanwhile, on the Vomit Bench, one dude is pointing at it and trying to analyize the contents – what the vomiter ate, at approximately when did they vomit, which liquor was the cause, etc. The girl next to Mr. Analyizer pulls out her cell phone and takes a picture. …Of the puke. …I shit you not.
But I guess it’s good to know that we Gaijin are slightly more appalling than a puddle of liquor-induced vomit. …Gaijin Gross-Out, perhaps?

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29 Responses

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  1. Mary Catherine said, on January 31, 2007 at 12:54 am

    I find it endlessly interesting to watch people’s behavior around me. I’m no Gaijin in Japan. I’m just your average college student in the US, but it’s still fascinating! I love to read about how a group of people will act under different circumstances, and with all of the stories you have just from being in Japan, you have me fully entertained!
    Sit near puke, sit near Gaijin… I just can’t see myself choosing the puke.

  2. Gabe said, on January 31, 2007 at 1:32 am

    Az, it is not that puke is more apealing to the Japanese than a Gaijin. Think about it, they must have figured out that the puke came from a Japanese person. That makes it their puke as they all suffer togeather as a club. It was Japanese, you are not. They have to give it attention. It is one of them. Make sence?

  3. Captain Impulse said, on January 31, 2007 at 2:10 am

    Chocolate Gaijin Love Train…
    Those words should be immortalized in stone.

  4. Kosetsu said, on January 31, 2007 at 2:42 am

    Heh heh heh… I remember this article. Oh man, that last line your friend so dejectedly announced… It still cracks me up, as horrible as it is, both because of how it just out-and-out says how much of a pariah gaijin are, and because of the reactions of everyone-on-that-train-except-for-the-two-glaring-girls.
    Heeheehee… Hoo.
    Gaijin Gross-Out just doesn’t sound very apppealing, both to the ego and to what it would entail so far as activating it. What, would we cross our eyes and pick our noses with our tongues? Would we stagger around, pretending to be drunk and dry-retching on everyone? Okay, actually that second idea kind of sounds fun.

  5. Deuxsonic said, on January 31, 2007 at 3:21 am

    I’d say that it’s more about not being asian than anything else. One of my friends is from Taiwan and he says that he didn’t encounter the “gaijin” attitude because of looking the part. Perhaps it’s racism?

  6. Charchris said, on January 31, 2007 at 7:04 am

    Maybe you should have a stare-off next time.

  7. Anonymous said, on January 31, 2007 at 8:46 am

    I wish i could show this to all the japanophiles and wappanese i used to know. Maybe they would be less inclined to preach about vaunted japanese cultural superiority.

  8. Anonymous said, on January 31, 2007 at 8:46 am

    I wish i could show this to all the japanophiles and wappanese i used to know. Maybe they would be less inclined to preach about vaunted japanese cultural superiority.

  9. Gus said, on January 31, 2007 at 11:23 am

    Next time talk to the girls that were looking at you, or just look at them in the eyes. Im sure that would make them feel uncomfortable, and at the same time you would get the sweet satisfaction that you probably scarred them for life.

  10. Deuxsonic said, on January 31, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    Well, I would say unless you’re asian, you don’t get to see half of the Japanese social structure. I’m going on someone else’s information, so I could easily be wrong, but the pressure in Japan to conform is incredible and gaijins never get to see this because they don’t conform in appearance, instantly being cast off as a pariah as Captain mentioned. Perhaps when Japan’s population does it’s scheduled nosedive they’ll consider allowing immigration and this crap will go away.

  11. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 31, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    I guess it’s a half-racist situation!?
    I second Gabe though, They analyzed the puke (CSI-style) and it’s contents, and proved their hypothesis that the puke came from a Japanese person.
    If they won’t sit next to you, imagine their extreme prejudice against a Gaijin puke.
    Oh, also, your friend’s words.. none truer can be spoken.
    Here’s an image for you that you’ll like.

  12. Excel-2007 said, on January 31, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    What’s stopping you, above commenter? It’s within your rights and United States fair use laws to print these pages out (there’s even a printer-friendly edition) to prove a point to your friends.

  13. CKX said, on January 31, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    Best train/puke/gaijin memory(yes I have more) was when the train actually waited for my gaijin friend to come back in the train after he went outside to puke. Never expected that in a country where trains are so punctual. On the other hand it was in the country side, where there is like only train per hour and we were the only passengers on the first train in the morning. Whoever the driver was, he is the coolest train driver in Japan.

  14. Shinkada said, on January 31, 2007 at 7:54 pm

    “Chocolate Gaijin Love Train.”

    … Just… Brilliant.

  15. Jeffy said, on January 31, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    Here’s an experiment you should try:
    Puke on a train full of Japanese gaijinphobes and watch their reaction…to your puke that is. 😛

  16. BrianfromNazareth said, on February 1, 2007 at 2:55 am

    I belive that people that do that in public transportation anywhere in world, should be executed without trial. A well as those that encourage them to od so.

  17. Anonymous said, on February 1, 2007 at 4:03 am

    Come to Tokyo, nobody cares who sits next to you.

  18. Anonymous said, on February 1, 2007 at 4:03 am

    Come to Tokyo, nobody cares who sits next to you.

  19. Anonymous said, on February 1, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    “Chocolate Gaijin Love Train” = effing brilliant. Mmmmm, chocolate.

  20. Anonymous said, on February 1, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    “Chocolate Gaijin Love Train” = effing brilliant. Mmmmm, chocolate.

  21. Anonymous said, on February 2, 2007 at 6:30 am

    Mr. Bomberman: One. I dont have a printer. Two. I dont have any sort of relationship with those people anymore friendly or otherwise. So im going to continue to avoid them like the plague and let them live out their shallow deluded lives thank you.

  22. Anonymous said, on February 2, 2007 at 6:30 am

    Mr. Bomberman: One. I dont have a printer. Two. I dont have any sort of relationship with those people anymore friendly or otherwise. So im going to continue to avoid them like the plague and let them live out their shallow deluded lives thank you.

  23. Anonymous said, on February 2, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    Wow, chocolate train in USA doesn’t mean a line of men having anal sex? Is it just a finnish saying?

  24. Anonymous said, on February 2, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    Wow, chocolate train in USA doesn’t mean a line of men having anal sex? Is it just a finnish saying?

  25. Dr. McNinja said, on February 3, 2007 at 10:11 pm

    Gaijin Power Level-up? XD Yes, I do play too many videogames

  26. BeN! said, on February 3, 2007 at 11:34 pm

    hahha… Chocolate Gaijin Love Train.. That is awesome.
    You should print it on T-shirts and sell it to lonely white boys like me 😉

  27. chaosrainz said, on February 6, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Now I have that song, “Love Train” stuck in my head, thanks. 😛
    I had a friend take a pic of poop in a urinal and email it to me. Picture phones are disgusting, evil things especially when there’s alcohol involved.

  28. Anonymous said, on February 7, 2007 at 5:29 am

    I know of the gaijin perimeter. I would always ride the bus to school (in Japan) and the bus would be packed. Packed in the Japanese sense, where there are people sitting behind the windshield and people standing on the steps to get on the bus because there is just no more room, but luckily, I got a seat to myself.

  29. Anonymous said, on February 7, 2007 at 5:29 am

    I know of the gaijin perimeter. I would always ride the bus to school (in Japan) and the bus would be packed. Packed in the Japanese sense, where there are people sitting behind the windshield and people standing on the steps to get on the bus because there is just no more room, but luckily, I got a seat to myself.


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