Gaijin Smash

Headline News

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on December 14, 2006

Gaijin Smash Original Content
Did you know I share a birthday with Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes? Granted, he’s got a few hundred years on me, but I still think that’s pretty cool. Partly because like Mr. Rooney, I also have a penchant for finding the silly and absurd in today’s news stories.
I try to keep up with what’s happening back home by reading news online. A lot of it shows me that things haven’t changed much – murders, robberies, people still getting sued over the silliest of matters. Occasionally, I come across something that blows my mind – like Fried Coca Cola. Holy Quadruple Bypass Batman, who the hell thought up Fried Coke? And why would any sane human being want to ingest it? I think I just lost five years off my life by even thinking about the idea of deep-frying Coca Cola.
Of course, news in Japan can be interesting too. When it’s not about how hot it is (or in the winter, how cold) or what people are eating for lunch. And no, I’m not talking about Wai Wai news either. Y’see, Wai Wai is a part of the Mainichi News’s English Website. Because Mainichi is a respectable Japanese newspaper, people tend to take stories that come from Wai Wai news seriously. I remember there was a big fuss over the story about Japanese moms giving their own sons blowjobs to help motivate them in school (how would this motivate a young boy to do anything other than gouge his own eyes out and go live in a cave?). What most people don’t realize though is that Wai Wai is simply an English translation of stories that run in Japanese tabloids (which are usually geared towards men). So these stories have all the credibility of the National Enquirer.
If you can get past Wai Wai, there are plenty of valid news stories on the Mainichi website. If you read enough though, you’ll start to think that Wai Wai is the sane part of the site. I took the liberty of saving a few of my favorite articles that have appeared on the Mainichi News website lately.* Here’s one…

A heavily indebted man has been arrested for helping his family to gas themselves in a suicide pact, police said.
Yoshiaki Eguchi, 63, admitted to the allegations during questioning. “We had no chance of repaying our debts, so we decided to die together, but I couldn’t do it,” he was quoted as telling investigators.
Eguchi burned charcoal at their apartment in Shinagawa-ku, Tokyo, in an attempt to gas his 63-year-old wife, their 34-year-old son and 37-year-old daughter, and himself to death in a suicide pact, investigators said.
His wife and son died of carbon monoxide poisoning. His daughter is alive, but in critical condition.
Eguchi subsequently regained consciousness, and contacted an acquaintance last Tuesday after slashing his left wrist.
Eguchi owes financial institutions a total of 4.65 million yen in debts, according to investigators. (Mainichi)

This really, really sucks, doesn’t it? I mean, you’re a 63 year old guy whose life sucks so much, that not only do you have to end it, but take your family along with you. That in itself is pretty bad, but then the poor guy fails to commit suicide not once, but TWICE. And THEN he gets arrested.
**********
They say there’s no irony in Japan. I beg to differ.

Tobu Railway’s anti-molestation campaign soured after employee molests passenger
IRUMA, Saitama — A senior railway worker has been arrested for molesting a woman on a train operated by his employer, police said.
Tomio Momiyama, a 50-year-old supervisor at Tobu Railway Co.’s Shiki train depot in Saitama Prefecture, is accused of violating a prefectural anti-nuisance ordinance. He denied the allegations during questioning, investigators said.
The incident occurred while Tobu Railway, the operator of a major railway network in the Kanto region, is in the middle of a massive campaign for preventing molestation on trains.
Momiyama fondled a 24-year-old beautician’s thighs on a semi-express train over a 15-minute period late Thursday night while the train was traveling between Kasumigaseki and Tsurugashima stations on the Tojo Line in Saitama Prefecture, investigators said.
The woman and another passenger overpowered Momiyama and handed him over to police officers after the train stopped at Tsurugashima. (Mainichi)

What gets me about this story though, is how he was able to get away with the fondling for a whole 15 minutes. If it had been an American woman, about .7 seconds into the act he’d be laid flat by a knee to the groin. And then he would also be arrested on assault charges for attacking the woman’s knee with his groin. How do you not know you’re getting felt up for a whole 15 minutes?! “Hmm, that feels like an old dude fondling my thigh. …But, I could be wrong. Here, let me wait it out for 15 minutes.” Or maybe it was more like, “Goddamn, some old dude is feeling up my thigh…but I haven’t been touched this good in years. Well, it is against the law…but I’ll give him fifteen minutes before I powerbomb him.”
You know what though, I have to give the girl the benefit of the doubt. Trains packed like sardines are quite infamous in Japan. I thought I’d been on a few packed trains in Osaka, but then I rode on the Yamanote in Tokyo one evening. No, no, no. For the first time in my life, I knew how all my toys felt when I used to stuff them in the closet to the point where the door wouldn’t even close (He-Man: “Goddammit Megatron, get your foot outta my thong…”). Gaijin Perimeter or whatever went all out the window. I was in contact with no less than 11 people, 7 of whom I’m pretty sure I had sexual relations of some kind with. Some woman could come up to me and present a halfling baby and say it was mine, and if she was on the Yamanote that night I’d have no way of denying the possibility.
**********
Say, how much is a little girl’s sanity worth anyway?

Ex-cop’s 20-year sentence upheld for abducting, molesting 5 school girls
FUKUOKA — An appeal court on Monday upheld a 20-year prison term a lower court had handed down on a former police officer for abducting five elementary school girls and molesting the victims before freeing them.
The Fukuoka High Court dismissed an appeal filed by Hiroyuki Tomita, 27, a former Fukuoka Prefectural Police officer, against the ruling handed down by the Saga District Court.
“It was clear that he had a sexual desire for young girls, judging from the way he committed the crime,” the presiding judge said in handing down the ruling.
Tomita abducted five girls aged 7 to 10 in Fukuoka and Saga prefectures between May 2001 and February 2004, and molested them in his car before fleeing them, according to the ruling. (Mainichi)

Apparently, four years per girl. Who knew?
Oh, but my absolute favorite part is highlighted in bold. “It was clear that he had a sexual desire for young girls, judging from the way he committed the crime.” …Ya think? Wow, I’m glad we cleared THAT up. Say Mr. Judge, are there any other profound and insightful statements you’d like to make while we have you? “It is clear that it is raining today, as the sky is cloudy and raindrops are falling on my head.”
Fuck it, I’m in the wrong profession. Where do I sign up to be a judge in Japan? And I thought English teaching was brainless work. Pay me for this shit. “I’m going to sentence you, Mr. Momiyama, to four months of community service. It is clear that you have a sexual desire for the thighs of young beauticians riding trains.”
**********
This one is just bizarre.

IIDA, Nagano — An unemployed man was arrested Wednesday for strangling a woman he had got acquainted with through a suicide website, police said.
Junichiro Mine, 27, of Toyota, Aichi Prefecture, is accused of murdering Keiko Shimizu, 27, a resident of the Nagano Prefecture city of Matsumoto.
He has admitted to the allegations. Investigators are poised to conduct an autopsy on her body to determine the exact cause of her death.
At about 6 a.m. on Wednesday, local police received an emergency call from Mine reporting that he murdered a woman at a hotel in the Chuodori district of Iida. Officers rushed to the scene and found Shimizu lying dead. Mine was taken into custody after he admitted to having strangled her.
Investigators said Mine got acquainted with Shimizu through a suicide website and met her at the hotel, according to investigators. (Mainichi)

Really, you have to think about the sequence of events that had to happen here…
Man: *logs onto suicidegirls.co.jp or something* Hey, what’s up? A/S/L?
Girl: 27/W/Nagano. You?
Man: 27/M/Aichi. So, you want to kill yourself?
GIrl: Yeah, pretty much.
Man: That’s hot. I’ll totally help you.
Girl: Would you? That’d be great.
Some time later, at a hotel…
Man: Hi.
Girl: Hey.
Man: So, nice room huh?
Girl: Yeah, it is. Should we have sex or something beforehand?
Man: If you don’t mind, can we just get right to it?
Girl: Yeah, that’s fine.
Man: All right, here I come. *strangles girl* Ah, that was good. Well, now that that’s finished… *picks up a phone*
Police: Hello?
Man: Hey, you need to come down here. I just strangled a girl.
Police: …Excuse me?
Man: Yeah, I just strangled a girl. That’s murder, right? You need to come arrest me.
Police: Seriously? All right, well, hold on for a few minutes I guess.
Man: I’ll be here.
This is just bizarre, that’s all. People accuse me of making stuff up all the time about these stories of Japan, but honestly, you can’t make this shit up, you just can’t.
**********
Because people are still having sex and nothing seems to stop them.

Students who often use cell phone e-mail more likely to have sex: survey
Students who frequently use cell phones to send e-mail are more likely to have sex, a survey by the Japanese Association for Sex Education has found.
The survey on youth sex trends also found that girls outnumbered boys at junior high schools and high schools when it came to those with sexual experience.
The results showed that 63 percent of male university students and 62.2 percent of female university students had had a sexual experience. The corresponding figures at high schools were 26.6 percent of male students and 30.3 percent of female students. A total of 3.6 percent of boys at junior high schools and 4.2 percent of junior high school girls were found to have had sex.
Compared to the previous survey in 1999, cell phone use had risen sharply. In the previous survey, only about half of all male first-year high school students had cell phones, but in the latest survey the figure rose to over 90 percent. About 30 percent of first-year junior high school boys and 50 percent of first-year junior high school girls had cell phones.
The association split students into an “e-mail group” — students whose cell phone e-mail usage reached at least 20 e-mails a day — and “a computer group” of students who spent at least two hours using the Internet on computers on their days off.
An analysis of the e-mail and computer group users found that 58 percent of high school students in the e-mail group had had sex, compared with only 15 percent in the computer group. The figures for university students were 86 percent in the e-mail group and 61 percent in the computer group. Of these, 21 percent of high school students in the e-mail group said they had had sex with at least three partners, compared with only 5 percent in the computer group. For university students the figures were 47 percent in the e-mail group and 25 percent in the computer group.
The survey also found that high school students with cell phones were more likely to have kissed a partner the more they used cell phone e-mail, with only 20 percent of students who hardly ever used e-mail having kissed someone, compared with 80 percent of students whose cell phone e-mail usage reached at least 20 e-mails a day.
“E-mail leads to a strengthening and expansion of communication, which is probably why users are more sexually active,” said Masahito Takahashi, a professor at Yamaguchi University who analyzed the results. “On the other hand, it appears that using the Internet on computers often does not lead to sexual activity.”


The article goes on, but I doubt you care. I stopped it at my favorite part. Is this guy related to the judge from before, or what? “Using the internet on computers often does not lead to sexual activity.” Holy fucking shit, stop the presses! We got a hot one here! Obviously, this information must be spread around. I mean, there are countless kids sitting in front of their computers, deeply immersed in WoW/CS/whatever, who must surely be thinking “I need to get laid…but this elven maiden does not seem to want to emerge out of my computer screen and pleasure me. What must I do?!”
I guess wasting time on pointless and obvious studies is common in any country, even Japan.
**********
C’mon now. You can do better than this.

Gynecologist arrested for child prostitution claims he didn’t know her age
CHICHIBU, Saitama — A gynecologist has been arrested for paying a junior high school girl for sex, police said Friday.
Kazuhiro Sekiguchi, 59, director of the Sekiguchi Maternity Clinic in Chichibu, is accused of violating the Anti-Child Prostitution and Pornography Law. He admitted to having sex with the girl but denied knowing she was under 18 years old.
Sekiguchi paid 50,000 yen to the 15-year-old, third-year junior high school girl to have sex with him at a hotel in Saitama in August last year, investigators said. He met her through an online dating site. (Mainichi)

Now, I can tell the difference between a junior high school girl and a high school girl. After three years living here, it’s a pretty easy distinction to make. And I’m only a teacher. As a gynecologist, you have no freaking excuse. Either that, or we revoke your license for not knowing the difference between 15-year old and 18-year old pussy.
C’mon dude. Just own up to it. You wanted some 15-year old cooch. Japanese guys tend to like their women young, and disturbingly, that preference seems to be getting younger and younger as time passes. Moms, watch out for your cute kindergarten girls.
I will however cut this guy some slack…not because I want to, but not to do so would be hypocritical of me. I was walking to the train station once and I saw a girl from afar who I thought was hot. She was wearing a one piece skirt, and even though I was 100 meters away, I could tell she had big tits and nice shapely legs, something that’s kinda rare for Japanese women. As I got closer, I could see this knockout’s face…and I discovered she was a former student of mine! Recently graduated sannensei, which would make her 15, no older than 16.
Remembering the incident still makes me cry from time to time. I’ve been in Japan for far too long.
**********
Say, if a little girl’s sanity is worth about four years, how much is a little boy’s penis worth in Japan?

Woman who cut off her newborn son’s private parts handed 5-year prison term
SAKAI, Osaka — A woman accused of cutting off her newborn son’s private parts in 2004 was ordered Monday to spend five years behind bars.
The Sakai branch of the Osaka District Court convicted Shizue Tamura, 27, a resident of Izumi, Osaka Prefecture, of inflicting bodily injury.
“The way she committed the crime was unprecedented, inhumane and cruel,” Presiding Judge Masahiro Hosoi said as he handed down the ruling. Prosecutors had demanded an eight-year prison term.
The judge dismissed the defendant’s not-guilty plea, pointing out that only she and her son were at home at the time of the incident. However, he reduced her prison term to five years, considering her unhappy childhood and the fact that she was regularly abused by her common-law husband.
Tamura cut off part of the private parts of her second son, who was then 4 months old, at her home on March 1, 2004, leaving him with severe injuries that took seven months to heal and serious after-effects, according to the ruling.
The judge asserted that the defendant directed her anger with her common-law husband at her second son, pointing out that the man broke his promise to recognize her second son as his own son and to pay the costs of bringing up the victim. (Mainichi)

Apparently, five years. Sorry ladies, we win. In Japan at least, male private parts > little girl’s mental and emotional stability.
Notice though that we have yet another blockbuster judge in this case too. “Well, she may have John Bobbitt’ed her own son…but she had an unhappy childhood, and a lousy husband. Surely, we can feel some pity for her. I’m going to reduce the sentence.” Because, you know, all crimes aren’t so bad if you have a valid reason for doing so.
The real loser in all of this? The poor young boy. I can just imagine, 20 years from now…
Him: Well Yumiko, I’d like to invite you back to my place, but I just can’t.
Yumiko: Don’t you like me?
Him: No no, I do, it’s just…well…you see, my mom had an unhappy childhood, and dad was abusive, so I just can’t.
Yumiko: You mean, emotional scars?
Him: No…I mean I literally, just can’t. *pulls down pants*
Yumiko: ….Oh my God.
Him: It’s okay though, mom had a good reason for doing so.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky I only have young boys trying to grab my dick. Had I been born Japanese, there’s the risk that dear ‘ol mom might have chopped it right off while I was still in diapers. …This is the most fucked up thing ever. Japan: Where no penis will go unharmed.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it is clear from the rumbling in my stomach that I have a strong desire to eat some food.
*This has been an experimental editorial. If the response is positive enough, I’ll do one of these from time to time.

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80 Responses

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  1. ukimalefu said, on December 14, 2006 at 1:46 am

    Experimental or not, I liked it. And new content is always welcome.

  2. Matt Metford said, on December 14, 2006 at 2:05 am

    Oh my god. That poor boy.
    A little part of me just died, inside.
    But he has it worse. A little part of him just died, and it was a far more important part.

  3. Gabe said, on December 14, 2006 at 2:53 am

    Comments in decending order to the articles:
    1) That guy is a waste of life.
    2)Ironic
    3) Why are Japanese guys so creepy? No wonder American Otaku and Japanese Otaku are sworn enemies. They are far too creepy even for us!
    4)Wow, he was polite to let the cops know.
    5)Morons
    6)Idiot
    7)WTF!!!

  4. That One Guy said, on December 14, 2006 at 3:56 am

    Ah, my daily dose of WTF?! I like.

  5. Beavis said, on December 14, 2006 at 4:21 am

    Holy shit… Az, how the fuck are you sane enough to write coherent words after living in that country so damn long?! Anyway, keep up the crazy shit. I like the news, please post some more soon. It shows a different aspect of how nutty Japan is.

  6. Bully said, on December 14, 2006 at 4:49 am

    Heh. Heh. “I just murdered someone, would you mind coming to arrest me?”
    *dies laughing*

  7. smallq said, on December 14, 2006 at 5:02 am

    Life is disturbing, and life in Japan – even more so.
    Those articles remind me why I avoid reading news ~_~

  8. Brad said, on December 14, 2006 at 5:54 am

    “Some woman could come up to me and present a halfling baby and say it was mine, and if she was on the Yamanote that night I’d have no way of denying the possibility.”
    She’d say you were the one… and the kid would be your son.
    (Sorry.)

  9. keii said, on December 14, 2006 at 5:59 am

    yay! keep the weird stories coming.
    and um. wow. poor kid. jeezes. i can imagine that little boy growing up and logging onto suicidegirls.co.jp (btw, hilarious) and trying to find someone to help him. just… wow.

  10. Crowley said, on December 14, 2006 at 6:49 am

    Consider this a positive response.

  11. Rain said, on December 14, 2006 at 6:59 am

    I vote for more of these editorials, they were very interesting and your commentary was awesome funny.
    I’m curious about the way that she cut off the infant’s penis. Unprecedentedly inhumane and cruel? On second thought maybe I don’t want to know. But christ, she’ll be out of jail before her son is 6 years old. She may be back in his life before he learns how to say “gross disfiguration”. That’s straight fucked up.

  12. Steve Smith said, on December 14, 2006 at 7:24 am

    Holy cats! Japan has some serious problems. The whole popularity of suicide websites (even when members don’t participate in “group activities) is pretty disturbing.

  13. John said, on December 14, 2006 at 7:43 am

    I thought it was quite interesting. And new content is always a plus. I had to monkey the URL though, the link was wrong..

  14. Steve said, on December 14, 2006 at 8:26 am

    Poor kid.
    He cant even get pity sex.
    And I think he’s gonna recieve a hell of a lot of pity. 😛

  15. Nidoking said, on December 14, 2006 at 8:48 am

    I’m going to put in a vote for more of these editorials. I do this every weekday with other world news, but something about Japanese news seems to be on an absurdity level above and beyond that.

  16. Zach said, on December 14, 2006 at 9:04 am

    XD

  17. Rodental said, on December 14, 2006 at 9:35 am

    double plus good post comrade Azrael! (may we have another?)
    As Rain pointed out:
    “The way she committed the crime was unprecedented, inhumane and cruel,”
    How is this even concievable – how could the method possibly make the act any worse (and still rack up only 5 years.)

  18. Roy said, on December 14, 2006 at 9:45 am

    More of these strange stories please!!! This has made my day. The suicide one put me on the floor, laughing my ass off! ^ ^

  19. Yitzy said, on December 14, 2006 at 10:49 am

    I read the Mainichi News online from time to time. Just because of stories like this. Plus, my local newspaper sucks. They usually only talk about Enviromentalist Rallies at some corporation.

  20. Mary Catherine said, on December 14, 2006 at 11:25 am

    I think this news is great entertainment! The editorial, though, is a little bit long, I think.
    About the suicide one, I wonder if that guy knows Kevorkian is getting out of prison in summer of ’07!! Maybe he was just taking Kevorkian’s place…

  21. Ivan the Terrible said, on December 14, 2006 at 12:53 pm

    *insert positive comment*

  22. Rela said, on December 14, 2006 at 1:11 pm

    Az, I am unsure whether your intent was to provide as with a humourous take of an alienated society suffering from anomie or whether the intent was a social commentary on the decadence of Japan. Either way, it was certainly enlightening albeit depressing and frightening at the same time.

  23. Shen said, on December 14, 2006 at 1:12 pm

    This is a positive response.

  24. AutumnFire said, on December 14, 2006 at 2:42 pm

    Actually countries all over the world have good and bad members. I don’t think one country has the lock on weird shit perped by their citizens.
    I could make you cry (and scream and debate and…nevermind) with stories of parents doing unspeakably foul things to their offspring in the U.S., but I know that while these incidents are isolated, they are not peculiar to any one region of the globe.
    Sad that. Still, it was lovely to see a post with new material. Two thumbs up!

  25. Dirty Dan said, on December 14, 2006 at 3:28 pm

    Looks like so far nobody else got the Oedipus reference. Nice one.

  26. bluechasm said, on December 14, 2006 at 3:30 pm

    You know i really used to want to live in japan, having seen some awesome movies and considered most humor in anime to be over the top, apparently not with the non fiction stories Az gives us. Great editorial, hope to see more original content like this.

  27. Patrick said, on December 14, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    Keep these going. I rather like the alternate look at how screwed up Japan is compared to everyone else.

  28. Matt Metford said, on December 14, 2006 at 4:55 pm

    I think it’s just the fact that she cut off his tra-la-la (oooh, his ding ding dong) in the first place that makes it inhumane and cruel. But I could be wrong. Maybe she used a garlic press or something.

  29. Hoss said, on December 14, 2006 at 5:22 pm

    I’ve been jonesing for new content for some time and the few new articles are great! Please keep them coming, I miss reading your new stuff every few days.

  30. Eric Clapton said, on December 14, 2006 at 6:00 pm

    Disturbing, funny, and we need more. I’m liking these almost daily updates, especially when I have nothing to do at school.
    Just don’t ever put another one of those genital removing psycho women in an article ever again.
    That (William) Shat(ner) is just creepy.
    I want more though, if it is humorous.

  31. Kilo said, on December 14, 2006 at 6:07 pm

    Awesome, just awesome. XD But, seriously, why do you only talk aboutthe bad things Japan has? Why not talk about the good things too? I’m sure there MUST be al leat some good stuff right there.

  32. Deadite said, on December 14, 2006 at 6:33 pm

    Hahahaha, those are some funny stories. Of course you should do more of these from time to time.

  33. Anynomous said, on December 14, 2006 at 7:58 pm

    Wow, that 63 year old dude, failed at failing… what an epic failure!

  34. Hipjiverobot said, on December 14, 2006 at 8:06 pm

    Here’s your positive response – I’d be happy with any new content, and since Japan has so much crazy stuff going on with news and such, I think this would be a great regular segment.

  35. Gennai said, on December 14, 2006 at 8:29 pm

    The one about the Ex-cop, the suicidal man who made a phone call to the police, and groping on trains were the funniest.
    The judge in the Exp-cop story might not have actually said that since this is just an English translation. The translator might have made a mistake. The suicidal killer was pretty dumb to call the cops on himself like that. But again maybe the translation who wrong. and if the trains were ever as packed as your describe them to be in America (or anywhere else) people would find anyone mode of transportation.

  36. Anonymous said, on December 14, 2006 at 8:51 pm

    Az, you should know by now that we always want more of your material. The most fucked up article was definatly the one about the boy being…neutered…never even had a chance…*sob*

  37. Anonymous said, on December 14, 2006 at 8:51 pm

    Az, you should know by now that we always want more of your material. The most fucked up article was definatly the one about the boy being…neutered…never even had a chance…*sob*

  38. Shinkada said, on December 14, 2006 at 9:19 pm

    Another positive response. “And then he would’ve been charged for assaulting her knee with his groin.” You’ve used that one before, but it’s still funny.
    I agree with the people who’ve questioned how you keep your integrity. I think if I was in your position my next update would be something along the lines of, “Agufububu? Graftaphezafez. Gazafuzebevuz, sakefegefumfum! LOL!”

  39. Tyra said, on December 14, 2006 at 10:14 pm

    I totally know what you mean about the trains.
    I used to ride into Shinjuku on the saikyo line.
    I couldn’t believe how many people could fit into one train car. It was a molestion station. I’ve been fondled and I’m sure I’ve done my share in the fondling. there’s no way of advoiding it unless you put your hands up then you’re left vunerable.
    one time I was standing behind a woman who’s face was litterally being crushed into a man back, being talling then her I pushed on the mans back giving her some room to breath. I don’t think she could’ve survived other wise.
    Another time I could hear this heavy breathing, I looked around to find that this older man had nestled his head in my shoulder/chest area, I was pretty much stuck there. I tried to slowly get away but my only option would’ve been to sit on the laps of the people sitting down.
    Thanks for the editorials! they were like some said a great dose of WTF 🙂

  40. Mr. Bomberman said, on December 14, 2006 at 10:47 pm

    That 63 year old.. That’s not a failure. That’s an (extreme) debacle.
    Fuck Taco Bell, the dude that was castrated by his mom can say “Yo quiero me nuts!”
    All in all, Great. Just great.. Made me spit my drink.
    Do more of these. Please..

  41. Deadite said, on December 15, 2006 at 12:00 am

    Whoa, up there, it like, put my name on someone else’s post.

  42. J said, on December 15, 2006 at 1:26 am

    Oh dear god, this is made of more win than “A Picture’s Worth”.

  43. Azrael said, on December 15, 2006 at 4:32 am

    You know, as I was proofreading this editorial, I was also listening to Weird Al’s “Headline News”, the song for which this editorial is named after.
    Just as I got to the part about the mom chopping off the little boy’s parts, in the song it came to the part about John Bobbitt. Almost perfectly.
    Weird.

  44. Tower said, on December 15, 2006 at 5:11 am

    From the sounds of things, they must put something in the water to keep the insane still functioning over there.
    I used to think about visiting Japan, since I’m in Australia, reasonably close and the culture looks interesting.
    But now I’m too scared for my manhood and sanity.

  45. stanwyck said, on December 15, 2006 at 8:14 am

    I think this editorial is fantastic! Keep it up! And don’t forget your regular stuff about Ms Americanized, the schools and the kids!

  46. Anonymous said, on December 15, 2006 at 8:15 am

    Any sort of article is a good one, and this one was exceptional. Keep up the good work!

  47. Anonymous said, on December 15, 2006 at 8:15 am

    Any sort of article is a good one, and this one was exceptional. Keep up the good work!

  48. Anonymous said, on December 15, 2006 at 1:26 pm

    Holy god. Cannot believe Japan.
    I used to be a Japanophile. Into anime and all the like…
    I still like the archetecture though. 😀

  49. Anonymous said, on December 15, 2006 at 1:26 pm

    Holy god. Cannot believe Japan.
    I used to be a Japanophile. Into anime and all the like…
    I still like the archetecture though. 😀

  50. Dex G said, on December 15, 2006 at 4:02 pm

    Eat your heart out, Andy Rooney. The more I learn about Japan, the freakier it gets. I started reading Outpost Nine about a year ago. I also started back to school (Goal – become a HS history teacher by the time I retire from doing IT engineering). Heard a couple of girls talking about Japanese class. Mentioned OutpostNine, and one girl said, “Oh, yeah — KANCHO!”. Then, we had to explain it to the other girl. Freaked her out.
    I’ve gotta say that out of this collection, the maternal Bobbitry was the freakiest.

  51. Tiffany said, on December 16, 2006 at 12:54 am

    I can’t believe the sentences are that short. I bet most of those people would’ve gotten like a 50 year sentence in America. Japan is too sympathetic.

  52. Anonymous said, on December 16, 2006 at 1:57 am

    I love it! You should write a bit more like this.

  53. Anonymous said, on December 16, 2006 at 1:57 am

    I love it! You should write a bit more like this.

  54. Anonymous said, on December 16, 2006 at 12:41 pm

    Love it, keep them coming!

  55. Anonymous said, on December 16, 2006 at 12:41 pm

    Love it, keep them coming!

  56. Nils said, on December 16, 2006 at 5:35 pm

    Wow. o_O
    There are lots of weird and sick people everywhere on this planet, but somehow the weirdos and sickos in Japan are stranger and much more bizarre than anywhere else…

  57. Seek. said, on December 17, 2006 at 2:00 pm

    The train groping incident made me laugh. I work at a Japanese restaurant and often have conversations with the sushi chef. He told me that for Japanese businessmen going overseas, they actually have classes that teach them “When in America, do NOT touch the women.”
    Keep up the posts Mr. Az, they brighten my day and provide my daily dose of Japan wierdness. n_n

  58. Anonymous said, on December 17, 2006 at 7:07 pm

    I have been living in Japan WAAAY to long if nothing there supprises me.

  59. Anonymous said, on December 17, 2006 at 7:07 pm

    I have been living in Japan WAAAY to long if nothing there supprises me.

  60. a a r o n said, on December 18, 2006 at 1:42 pm

    Good stuff!
    I already like reading foreign news, having it filtered by AZ makes it even better!

  61. Pagannerd said, on December 23, 2006 at 9:42 pm

    Oh…..Huh?!
    Goddess above, what the fuck could possibly drive a Mother to quite literally emasculate her child like that? And I agree with Zachs’ comment, I fail to see how the method could possibly make the situation anymore horrendous. I mean, what did she do, slowly remove it with a cheese grater?
    Az man, I mean it, get the hell out of that country. Get out now before you end up sodomized and murdered by a fifty year old japanese transvestite gimp.

  62. Moxa said, on December 24, 2006 at 5:51 am

    what the F*CK?!?!?
    GOOD POST, GREAT, LOVE YOUR STUFF…BUT good post, great, love ur site, love ya, keep bringing em, but the last article…what the F*CK?!?!?
    scuse me, i gotta go convince my nuts ill keep them safe from Japanese soil O_O

  63. Andrew said, on December 24, 2006 at 9:48 pm

    i believe it was you (Az) who said, “All Japanese porn must have a victim somewhere.”
    a wise adage
    I’ve found in my experiences in Japan, with Japanese media (Gaki no Tsukai, anyone?), and in your editorials that such is profoundly true all over Japan.

  64. DC said, on December 26, 2006 at 7:19 pm

    This is another positive response, from a longtime reader. 😀

  65. soumakyo said, on December 27, 2006 at 1:10 am

    That was as scary as fun, especially the last one…
    oh my god, the poor boy, his entire life is doomed ! I know life doesn’t revolve around your penis, but I can’t even imagine the trauma he’ll be through. If someone should hate the public bathing in japan, it’s him.
    Or maybe because he’ll never have any sex drive he’ll become something like the best mathematician ever … yep, doomed
    And after her mother is released, will he have to live with her again ?
    damn

  66. TexasGaijin said, on January 5, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    I had fried Coke at the State Fair here in Texas this year from the guy that invented it! It was pretty good.
    1. Mix batter with Coke syrup
    2. Deep Fry
    3. Drizzle more coke syrup on batter
    4. Place powdered sugar, whipped cream, and cherry
    5, Diabetes
    Seriously, we’re pretty crazy here. It’s a competition every year to see who can make the best deep fried treat at the fair.

  67. megs said, on January 6, 2007 at 8:02 am

    this is wayyyy beyond the ordinary @_@

  68. Random Gaijin said, on January 10, 2007 at 9:56 am

    Damn that is some fucked up shit! The last one was bizzare. Come on who the hell would cut their kids privates off?! She must have been crazy to do that!

  69. J said, on January 22, 2007 at 7:42 am

    way to go AZ, this article changed me somehow… in a very disturbing but non visual way .. mental i guess?

  70. sycolution said, on March 14, 2007 at 1:08 am

    for..well…all of those. Cue martin lawrence in badboys 1 “THIS IS FUCKED UP”

  71. Lauren C. said, on May 12, 2007 at 10:29 am

    –positive response–
    seriously, this is great. I’m far too lazy to seek out this stuff on my own. 😀

  72. Stratagemini said, on May 15, 2007 at 12:11 am

    Just in case the idea of that little kid’s penis getting cut off wasn’t bad enough. It happened in Houston too. Is there some sort of Penis slicing fad that I’m unaware of?
    http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21734232-2,00.html

  73. east coaster said, on July 21, 2007 at 12:46 am

    I like it, you should definitely post these from time to time. Links to the stories would have been nice though, especially the mother/son blowjobs one *prurient curiosity, yes*

  74. BKE said, on August 7, 2007 at 9:02 pm

    Lol I also like the fact that it says that the man strangled the girl before calling police, and that the police need to do a full autopsy to determine the exact cause of death…I’m sure they’ll stick a pill up her ass just for good measure lol

  75. Xin said, on September 6, 2007 at 8:07 am

    Interesting and highly disturbing. Thanks for sharing.

  76. Anonymous said, on September 25, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    Y’know the worst part about the guy that molested 5 girls? In an American prison, even 1 year would be a death sentence. There is no way the other inmates would have let that guy leave alive. In Japan? It’s 20 years of thumbs up, slaps on the back, and conversations that begin with “so, what was it like?”

  77. Anonymous said, on September 25, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    Y’know the worst part about the guy that molested 5 girls? In an American prison, even 1 year would be a death sentence. There is no way the other inmates would have let that guy leave alive. In Japan? It’s 20 years of thumbs up, slaps on the back, and conversations that begin with “so, what was it like?”

  78. Gramage said, on February 26, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    I ended up on the all-woman’s car during rush hour in Osaka one day. 1) I didn’t know they HAD those. 2) I also didn’t know you’re allowed to move between the cars there (you can’t in my city).
    It was an interesting 20 minutes to the next stop. Nobody got mad at me though, a few giggles, and a few of those “silly gaijin” looks you get sometimes.
    Long story short, I kept my hands well to myself.

  79. Saknika said, on March 4, 2008 at 12:11 am

    I was depressed… and then I read this. xDDD ❤

  80. Troll said, on March 28, 2009 at 4:22 am

    Comments.
    1: The most important one: I leave comments while drunk, ONLY! Being sober is good, but not if you have to be accountable for all the assholes who take offense to you, so for the time being I am plastered on 5 high-lifes and a burbon-cask ale.
    2: I laughed at the thought that Akiba kids don’t get laid,and that this was old enough to rate a WoW/CS comment. If only people stilled played Counter-Strike, and if only humans played WoW.
    3: I read both this and Peter Payne’s (of J-list) blaggotry and find the sharp contrast between them to be humbling. Payne writes about how honest and nice things are, you however write about ho fucked up things are. I recommend this balance for anyone trying to gain a true understanding of Nihon.
    4: I used to joke about wanting to be a Homeroom teacher in Nihon, because not only were they cool, but they always knew when shit was going down, and how. Zombies? Mecha? Zombie-Mecha? Hell yeah the homeroom teacher knows that shit and has counters for everything. I no longer tell that joke, because I know the truth. I’d rather face zombie-mecha then some punk-ass monkey Sannensei who I can’t honestly punish. Fuck it, I’ll visit if I have the money, mebe get me a fairly clean japanese prostitot too, but if I ever live in Nihon– I owe you a pitcher of the best beeru they serve wherever you drink.


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