Gaijin Smash

Super Gaijin

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 24, 2006

I went to work at the School of Peace wearing a Superman t-shirt one day. Silly me, I thought this wasn’t going to be a big deal.
What I didn’t realize is that to the kids, this is more or less a challenge. “Superman, huh? We’ll see about that!” Penis Boy (now a ninensei) was the first to step up. You know, since I last saw him, Penis Boy’s gotten a bit bigger. He used to be kinda scrawny, but it seems as if he’s caught up with his classmates at least. Mr. Kancho on the other hand, is still as puny as ever. I think he may have shrunk even, like someone left him out in the sun for too long and he shriveled up like a California raisin.
Anyway, Penis Boy comes up and pats me on the logo of the shirt. “Oh, Superman! Super Teacher!” he says. He then grabs the shirt and pulls it up. “Hey!” I protest. “What the hell are you doing?” “I wanted to see if you were all ripped like Superman,” Penis Boy says. Sorry kid, it’s just a shirt.
And believe me, no one is more disappointed about this than I.
Gropey comes over and grabs a handful of chest. “Wow, now THAT’s hard!” he says. What can I say? I’m like an improperly cooked Pilsbury cookie or something – hard on the outside, soft and chewy in the middle. I’m working on it, damnit. Note to self – next time you break a collarbone, in your inability to move/properly exercise, don’t just order delivery pizzas for dinner. Additional note to self – don’t break your collarbone again, but in the unfortunate event that it happens, don’t rely on delivery pizza.
But why is it that every time I walk down this particular hallway of this school, I end up getting gang-molested? I remember back when I was in high school and they had us poor guys so freaked out over the whole sexual harassment in the workforce thing, it was like you couldn’t even wave your penis in the general direction of a female co-worker without the threat of getting sued. Now I’m getting felt up worse than a drunken sorority slut in Cancun during Spring Break. How does this work?

*Ahem*. But I digress. The Superman shirt even caused a stir in the teachers’ room, with most of the teachers having to remark about it at some point. “Oh, Clark Gable!” one teacher says. Well, that’s in the ballpark at least. Although Clark Gable as Superman woulda been some shit, I would have loved to have seen that. “Oh, Spiderman!” one teacher says. …That’s not even close. They’re not even the same comic book company! Poor, poor Superman, he gets no love in this country.
Amazingly, this wasn’t the first time I’d seen Spiderman confused for Superman. I was watching Quiz Millionaire once (the Japanese version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”) and one of the questions pretty far into the game was “Kryptonite is a weakness for which superhero?” The options were Spiderman, Superman, Batman, and some fourth hero I don’t remember. Must have been someone unimportant, like Aquaman or the Wonder Twins. The woman in the hot seat was completely stumped – first she used her 50/50 lifeline which reduced it down to Spiderman and Superman. Then she used her telephone lifeline, but in Japan the phone lifeline is completely useless. It takes 10 seconds for the contestant to read the question and answers, then it takes 10-15 seconds for the idiot people on the other line to confirm the question and answers and in the remaining 5-10 seconds they pretty much just go “Ah…hmm…that IS a difficult question, isn’t it?” *CLICK*.
The woman eventually settles on Spiderman. Then the host starts the process of just staring at her for like two minutes (in the last minute, he opens his mouth as if he’s going to say the answer, but he’s not), and just as you think the answer’s gonna come out the damn TV show cuts to commercial. Two minutes later, we rejoin our clueless woman in the hot seat as she confirms Spiderman as her final answer and we have to go through this process ALL OVER AGAIN. Meanwhile, the lady’s friends and supporters are praying that Spiderman is indeed weak to Kryptonite, and somewhere in the world, Spiderman realizes that if he ever wanted to just go apeshit, Japan would be the perfect place to do it because they’d have no idea how to stop him. “Kryptonite … big can of Raid … a large broom … a cold wet fish … damnit we’ve tried everything but we can’t stop this rampaging spider-like man!”
So yeah, sorry Man of Steel. Maybe if you had spiky blond hair and could shoot fireballs and shit, and you always had a crowd of people watching your fights and analyzing what a fighting genius you were, maybe just maybe you could be popular in Japan too.


18 Responses

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  1. Gabe said, on January 26, 2007 at 12:38 am

    This is why they are weak to the Gaijin Smash. They can never figure out our weakness.

  2. EdZ said, on January 26, 2007 at 3:04 am

    I’d say “being poked in the ass by japanese schoolkids” qualifies as a weakness.

  3. SK said, on January 26, 2007 at 5:13 am

    Hmm. Az, actually I’m quite curious to know what you’re currently being employed as, seeing that it’s already been quite a long while since your JET contract expired in August.
    Mind giving a little description and contrast between the lifestyle that you had then and the one you’re having now? It sure would be nice to know how you’re getting along after all that ass-poking and dick grabbing. =)

  4. Matt Metford said, on January 26, 2007 at 8:38 am

    SK: You can recontract for up to five years on the JET programme. I don’t know if that’s what Az did, though.
    I was watching the Quiz Millionaire show just last night, and was struck by just how long the host drags out the suspense. It’s nuts.
    Cough came back again. Here’s what I think is happening.
    Doctor: Okay Matto-san, here is your super-double-big prescription. You should be cured in two weeks!
    Me: Thanks doc.
    Our intrepid hero walks down the stairs and around the corner to the Ninjin Pharmacy.
    Me: Here is my super-double-big prescription.
    Pharmacist: Ah, I will get this immediately!
    In the back, the Pharmacist and her co-workers stare at the prescription sheet.
    Pharmacist: This must be a mistake.
    Pharmacist 2: Yes, surely this is a prescription for an elephant, not a human being.
    Pharmacist: The doctor probably wrote this number wrong. I hear he does not smoke. You know how stressed doctors are when they do not smoke! I will just correct it and prepare the regular prescription.

  5. Nidoking said, on January 26, 2007 at 9:12 am

    All this after the live-action Spiderman sentai serial all that time ago? You’d think they’d know by now that Spiderman’s weakness is being separated from his giant robot!

  6. chaosrainz said, on January 26, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    Actually, I just ran across this last week in a biography no Clark Gable : “Was Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster’s inspiration for half of Superman’s alter ego name Clark Kent (“Kent” came from Kent Taylor).”
    So, they weren’t too far off! lol

  7. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 26, 2007 at 7:20 pm

    I remember that Spiderman thing… I was lucky enough to grab me some of that shit.
    It was fucking hilarious.

  8. evil_tennyo said, on January 26, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    lol wow poor Superman haha

  9. Anonymous said, on January 26, 2007 at 8:47 pm

    Fedor IS a genius.

  10. Anonymous said, on January 26, 2007 at 8:47 pm

    Fedor IS a genius.

  11. Milo said, on January 27, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    You should tell all your students that you’re the guy from Requiem for a Dream. I mean they’d definately go for it and it would definately take things up a notch.

  12. Jason X said, on January 27, 2007 at 9:49 pm


  13. MrBigStick said, on January 28, 2007 at 4:10 am

    don’t feel too bad about superman gettin’ no love in japan.
    i mean, do you really want a bastardized anime superman flying around, about half the size as the normal superman but has all the same powers except they’re weak as hell and he has to be assisted by a group of weenie sub-par superheroes who’s lame powers come in handy for whatever specific situation they’re in, and supes takes all the credit when the reporters show up?
    i think they already made that one and are playing it on kids wb or something.
    i think it was just whipped up by some korean art students to replace the time filler known as teen titans.
    no offense to any korean art student who might be reading this, some of the stuff you guys make that i’ve seen is awesome.

  14. Excel-2007 said, on January 28, 2007 at 3:04 pm

    Superman is the defender of truth, justice and the American Way. Of course he would be obscure over there.

  15. Orion said, on February 3, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    Even some Americans have trouble with this. Back in college – midwestern college, circa 1978 – we were sitting in the dorm cafeteria, talking about pretty much everything, and one of the guys at the table said, “That’s like not knowing who Clark Kent is!” and my gf piped in, “Who’s Clark Kent?”
    Everyone at the table turned and looked at her; everyone at the table BEHIND her turned around and looked at her. She shrugged and said, “Never heard of him.” and went back to eating. Cute girl, dad owned a ranch in Texas, exceptionally well sheltered from popular culture before attending college.

  16. Justin said, on February 10, 2007 at 4:46 am

    This made me laugh so hard! I don’t know if it was all the coffee I drank earlier, or what, but this is the greatest thing I’ve ever read. I’m now a serious fan of Gaijin Smash and hope to do the JET program once I graduate, too. I loved when you talked about Spiderman going apeshit. Priceless.

  17. Anonymous said, on September 20, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Proof of the insanity that is ‘Quiz Millionaire’:
    Proof that even the Japanese know it’s funny:

  18. Anonymous said, on September 20, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Proof of the insanity that is ‘Quiz Millionaire’:

    Proof that even the Japanese know it’s funny:

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