Gaijin Smash

Be Gentle

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 17, 2006

I went home for Spring Vacation. But I didn’t go alone. My current girlfriend came with me, who actually wanted to visit America (she’d never been) and wanted to meet my folks. I kind of wanted her to meet my parents too and get their opinion of her. I brought the last one, the infamous ex, home as well, and that didn’t go so well. My parents were nice and welcoming to her of course but I found out later that they hated her. Come to think of it, pretty much everyone (except me somehow) hated her. My parents, all my friends. I could’ve introduced her to Mother Teresa, and Teresa would have spit in her face and kicked her in the shin. Upon learning I’d be bringing a girlfriend home again, my dad reportedly said “Great, he’s bringing another hoochie-cootchie back with him.” That is an exact quote.
This time however things went quite well. My parents really liked her, and they got along well despite the language barrier. My girlfriend doesn’t speak a whole lot of English and it took Mom all of three days to learn “konnichi wa” (and she still butchers the pronunciation). Despite that, they still conversed using what they knew.
Mom: Kyoto seems like a beautiful city. I’d like to go visit someday.
Her: Yeah. Come on.


At one point, I was alone with my Mom, and she told me that she really liked this one. She then took this opportunity to give me some advice, but because this is me we’re talking about, of course it wasn’t normal advice. I again have to stress here that I’m honestly not making this up.
Mom: She’s a really nice, sweet girl. So I want you to be gentle with her. You hear me? That goes for sex too. Only gentle sex, no rough sex. You don’t need to tear her up.
Me: Oh my God, you must know that you are the absolute *LAST* person I want to hear this from.
Mom: I’m serious. She’s really small too so I don’t even think she could handle it. I don’t want you hurting her, so be gentle, okay?
This confirms it – I’m am officially God’s court jester or something. I mean, I could write one or two incidents off as coincidence, or weird luck, but this kind of shit always happens to me. Seriously, how many of you can say your mom has told you not to have rough sex with your partners? Show of hands, anyone? This is fucked up.
I’m gonna be with her too and this shit’s gonna boomerang back and haunt me, I *JUST* know it.
Her: Oh yeah baby, harder, harder!
Me: I’m sorry, I can’t. My Mom said I have to be gentle with you. C’mon down from the light fixture, we can’t do that kind of thing anymore.
God, dude? You really need to get cable or something, cause I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

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36 Responses

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  1. soumakyo said, on January 24, 2007 at 1:17 am

    we are all the broadcast cable of god, but it’s much likely that you have your own dedicated channel.
    Be happy, you’ll have things to tell your grand-children… err, maybe not, actually.

  2. Freedom III said, on January 24, 2007 at 1:20 am

    I agree with the “god’s court jester” thing…most people definitely couldn’t attest to such a thing…

  3. asiandude said, on January 24, 2007 at 1:56 am

    hahaha .. WE NEED to have a look at ur girlfriend’s pic!

  4. Kevin said, on January 24, 2007 at 2:36 am

    One time my mom told me and a bunch of friends who were staying at our house during an anime convention not to have group sex in the basement

  5. Danny E. said, on January 24, 2007 at 3:24 am

    BEST POST EVER…HAHAHAHAHAHA

  6. BrianfromNazareth said, on January 24, 2007 at 3:37 am

    You know this just might be the back effect of the condome affair. Normaly mothers don’t know about the sexual activities of their children unless they rub it in their face and asking for condomes kind of qualifies as that as not only does she know jou do it she also knows the aproximate size. You should have known, when you found two kind of cndomes in package, that sooner or later there will be some funny talk with mom.

  7. Smallredbox said, on January 24, 2007 at 4:52 am

    Oh no. I can see it now. The Octopus all over again.
    Yeah, be gentle.

  8. Ruela said, on January 24, 2007 at 8:12 am

    Coming up, it’s GAIJIN ALMIGHTY!
    The story of a man, challenged to act stupid for God’s personal amusement in a strange atheist land. The best American movie since The Last Samurai, super fun happy time! This movie is still pending rating (until we know what an octopus is).
    pS: I agree. Best Post Ever. C’mon down from the light fixture.

  9. TheAirman said, on January 24, 2007 at 10:26 am

    Yeah. Maybe she’ll throw some other random sex move on you named after some type of sealife or something!

  10. Gennai said, on January 24, 2007 at 11:39 am

    Hey Az I got 2 words for you……MySpace You’d be a hit there, you’d have thousands of new friends and you could post you blogs there as well. Think about…
    (Az’s Note: http://www.myspace.com/33493646 )

  11. Dirty Dan said, on January 24, 2007 at 11:42 am

    Strage atheist land? From what I’ve observed, it’s more of a strange agnosto-polytheist land.
    I don’t know what it is about Americans and pronunciation, but it just seems that everyone who doesn’t elect to learn languages (and even some who do) is horrible at it. I blame the Great Vowel Shift.

  12. Gabe said, on January 24, 2007 at 12:04 pm

    *raises hand*
    Yes Az, that has happened to me. We are god’s entertainment.
    Great post. Keep ’em comming.

  13. Tommy 2Tone said, on January 24, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    Konnichi wa, Azrael! Been a devoted reader ever since I discovered this blog. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve applied for the JET Program this year, and I just found out that I’ve been invited for an interview at the consulate; one step closer to getting in the program. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for years, and it really helps me to read the experiences of someone who has really been in the mouth of the wolf. Thanks for sharing. I’ll continue to read, regardless of whether or not I am accepted into JET.

  14. Siu said, on January 24, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    I’m sure parents live for this sort of thing. They spend hours on hours on figuring out how to mentally scar and embarrass children. It’s passed down from generation to generation. They’re folks did it to your folks, and now your folks are doing it to you. The only consolation you have is doing it to your kids, when they grow up.

  15. Shinkada said, on January 24, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Just simply for the quote, “Get down from the light fixture, we can’t do that kind of thing anymore,” this is one of the best posts ever. Maybe not THE best as others have said, but certainly up there.

  16. Zantetsu said, on January 24, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Hm… I wonder if she’ll have something like the Marimo… Anyway…
    Some mothers are at the other end trying to prohibit you from sex altogether like mine did. I suppose yours is sort of working an indirect reversed psychology treatment to you know.

  17. Excel-2007 said, on January 24, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    May she love you long time.

  18. Genibibiou said, on January 24, 2007 at 7:06 pm

    Nice job. I thought only my mom said thinks like “hoochie cootchie”.
    😄 And now that you’ve given us your myspace, Jeff– Prepare to have 5,593,394 new friends.

  19. CKX said, on January 24, 2007 at 8:23 pm

    She must have heard about the octopus-incident by now…who hasn’t

  20. Runs With Scissors said, on January 24, 2007 at 9:12 pm

    God and Murphy are conspiring against you, and though it may suck, it’s funny for the rest of us. Take heart that we are laughing hysterically at your pain… okay, maybe heart was the wrong word…>__<;;

  21. KD said, on January 24, 2007 at 11:31 pm

    To Tommy2Tone: Congrats. I applied and got turfed, so I’m feeling pretty low right now. 😦 Be glad you’ve made it this far.
    To Az: does the festeringass network have forum options? It strikes me that the folk who frequent the comments page are halfway to a forum already, it almost seems a shame to lose that energy when the post to which it is attached goes to archive.
    (Az’s Note: Dunno. You could always try signing up at my forum, outpostnine.com/forum and get some talk going there.)

  22. Justanothermom said, on January 25, 2007 at 2:05 am

    I’m sorry, but Kevin has just proven that he has a harder life than you, when it comes to this type of situation. If he lives at or near home, he probably has frequent bouts of parental humiliation that surpass your Mom’s “be gentle” comments by 1000%.
    Even so, I’m sure I have embarassed my own son on this subject somehow, without even realizing it (he’s more skittish about these things than you are).

  23. Matt Metford said, on January 25, 2007 at 3:10 am

    Man, your light fixtures must be much sturdier than mine.

  24. Anonymous said, on January 25, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    If Japanese porn is any indication its her that should be gentle with you. I can see her mother now…”NJow when you use the strap on i want you to be gentle. No yanking on the leash like that dirty girl in that movie i know you have. Heres some lube.” Ahhhh anal rape.

  25. Anonymous said, on January 25, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    If Japanese porn is any indication its her that should be gentle with you. I can see her mother now…”NJow when you use the strap on i want you to be gentle. No yanking on the leash like that dirty girl in that movie i know you have. Heres some lube.” Ahhhh anal rape.

  26. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 25, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    Fucked up, your mom is.
    And also, Kevin sorta took the cake on that. But great nonetheless

  27. Beavis said, on January 25, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    Jesus fucking fuck Az. You can’t escape the weird, even when you’re in good old America. I guess you’re a magnet of insanity or something. Lucky you!

  28. Anonymous said, on January 25, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    MommaSmash always beats GaijinSmash.

  29. Anonymous said, on January 25, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    MommaSmash always beats GaijinSmash.

  30. evil_tennyo said, on January 26, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    LOL! talk about awkward!

  31. Q said, on January 27, 2007 at 3:22 am

    Man, I feel stupid, but I don’t understand the whole light fixture joke. Anyone care to offer an explanation?
    Also, after associating you with your online identity of Azrael for so long, it’s quite odd to learn that your name is the very plain Jeff. I never expected Azrael to be your real name, but I assumed you’d still have some crazy name, like Xyloff or something.

  32. Jen said, on February 2, 2007 at 2:15 pm

    Trust me, my mother could top yours any day. If you think it’s strange getting advice on regular sex from your mom, you’re lucky. My mother gave me advice on anal, (x__x traumatizing, no?), but then she went on to tell me that she didn’t like it (oh, dear god), and which of her friends did (shoot me now).

  33. Ryan said, on February 7, 2007 at 6:02 am

    Az, best I’ve read in ages… and don’t worry, all mum’s specialise in this kind of torture.

  34. sputnik said, on February 21, 2007 at 3:08 pm

    Oy, yeah that’d be awkward. Don’t you love moms?

  35. ModusOperandi said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    And I thought MY mom was bad with the random-completely inappropriately timed questions of “are you gay?” D:<
    I had a similar experience with my boyfriend (’cause i’m a girl. :D) in regards to your ex and the fact that no one liked her but you at the time. Hell, my boyfriend’s parents, step-mom and siblings didn’t like him! Perhaps…I dated him out of pity. 😦

  36. Ceri Cat said, on September 26, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    Mothers can be truly weird. I know my last ex had an embarrassing conversation with my mother about how many times a day we might do it if she was feeling particularly needy. I feel for my stepfather honestly, he’s in his 70s and still performing more valiantly than most teenagers would dare boast they could. Worst comment from my mother regarding an ex though was my NZ ex, when she saw her at the airport she thought she was all of 13 and said as much. Girl was 20.


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