Gaijin Smash

Watson’s Last Stand

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 4, 2006

My eyes locked with Watson’s across the sea of graduates. Slowly, he began to make his way over to me. I don’t even think he was really walking, it was like he was just gravitating closer to me. As the distance between us slowly closed, I started to think back to the interesting history me and this kid have had over the past 3 years.
Year 1
For my self-introduction to the students, I put on a red cape and became an English teaching superhero. Don’t ask. After one ichinensei class, the then unknown Watson walks up to me and, come to think of it, blocks my exit from the classroom.
Him: Hey, that’s a cool cape!
Me: Thanks. It’s my superhero cape.
Him: Let me see it!
Me: Well, I really have to get back to the teachers room.
Him: Mine! *he snatches the cape out of my bag* Now I’M the superhero!
He drapes the cape around his own shoulders. I tried to get it back but he ran out of reach. I pursued a little bit, but Watson showed he was serious about this cape – he took off sprinting down the hallway, with the cape majestically flapping behind him as he went. I chased him for maybe 10 meters before giving up. On a hot, muggy summer day in Kyoto you don’t really even feel like existing, let alone running the 100-m dash in pursuit of a 12-year old Japanese boy wearing a Superman cape. I figured it would turn up eventually, and if not, it wasn’t that expensive so I could always buy another one.
I was in the teachers room later when another teacher, the art teacher I think, came back with the cape.
Her: Um, excuse me? New Mr. English teacher? Hi, one of my students had this in my class, I heard it was yours.
Me: Ah, my superhero cape! Thanks, I was looking for that.
Her: Ah. Your superhero cape?
Me: Yeah. I’m an English-teaching superhero.
Her: English … teaching … superhero
Me: Yep. Red cape.
Her: Right. Welcome to Japan


Year 2
One of the teachers invented a new take on the old reliable quiz game – race quiz game. We have the kids form groups and move to the back of the room. I’ll ask a question, and the first group to answer gets the most points for the question. The groups answer by sending one representative up to me at the front of the classroom, and whispering the answer in my ear (so that the other groups don’t hear). While this sounds all normal and safe in theory, the concept had one fatal flaw – we forgot to take into effect just how heated Japanese schoolkids can get. The kids do not calmly walk up to me, no. As soon as they realize they know the answer (or at least something they can use), it becomes a NASCAR-Battle Royal race to the death in order to get to me. You haven’t lived until you’ve had to face 5-6 Japanese teenagers charging at you like the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive line. Eat your heart out, Brett Favre.
So despite the very real risk of mortal injury or death, sometimes we play Race Quiz Game. I guess this is Gaijin Sacrifice or something. I once asked the kendo teacher if I could borrow some armor for English class, but she gave me one of those looks before informing me they only had kids sizes. I wonder what the other non-English teachers must think of me? They don’t see what goes on in class, so all they see is stuff like me chasing a kid down a hallway with a Superman cape, trying to keep Watson from grabbing my dick/poking me in the ass between classes, and coming back to the teachers room winded and limping and shit.
Anyway, I digress. It’s really only my ass on the line, as the Japanese teachers do a wonderful job of hiding themselves in the nearest corner. I was playing with Ms. Americanized 2 once, and before the Melee Wavedashing started I noticed her trying to squeeze in between the TV shelf and the wall in the corner.
Me: Hey! What are you doing? Get out here!
Her: No way. I don’t wanna die.
Me: So you’re leaving me to the wolves? Hell no, you get out here and quietly face your tragic fate like a normal Japanese person.
Her: Nuh-uh, I’m gonna live. But I will make sure your legend lives on in song.
Me: This is revenge for World War II, isn’t it?
Usually, this is the ONE time I don’t have to worry about Watson, as he’s not that good at the English games. However, one time, I asked a question, as while the other students were stumped (and unable to rhino-charge me), Watson realized he just may have had an answer. And as a look of “Eureka, I’ve got it!” spread across his face, I’m sure a look of “Ho shit I’m gonna die” spread across mine. Remember that Watson is by no means a small kid. Watson took off like an Olympic sprinter, I’ve never seen him move that fast. Within moments, he’d closed the distance but did he stop? Oh no. In fact, mutherfucka went airborne. Seriously, no part of him was actually connected to the Earth by the time he barreled into me. I got Kamikaze’d.
I woke up a few moments later on the floor under the chalkboard. It took me a few more moments to remember my name, which country I was in, and how I ended up on the floor of a Japanese school anyway. I noticed all the other kids standing back, they’d also found an answer, but hadn’t charged forward. Instead, they were frozen in horror at what had just happened. Clearly in shock, I did the only thing I could think to do at the time – stood up and continued to do my job. I’m a teacher, damnit.
Me: Alright. Still alive. Anyway, what’s the answer?
Watson: Answer?
Me: Yeah. To the question.
Him: Question?
Me: The question I asked.
Him: What question? I forgot.
Me: Oh my God.
Year 3
I was leaving a sannensei’s class when Watson suddenly teleported in behind me and jumped on my back.
Me: Augh, hey, geez! My collarbone *just* healed.
Him: *Just* healed is still healed. Now, onward to the teachers room!
Me: I’m not gonna carry you to the teachers room, you got legs!
Him: But you are headed to the teachers’ room, right?
Me: Yeah, but not with you on my back.
Him: That may have been your intention, but here I am now, so you just have to learn to deal with it.
So yeah, we’ve had an interesting history together. As he closed in on me after the graduation, I tried to imagine what he might try to do, a classic Kancho/Dickgrab struggle? Another Mortal Kombat Raiden torpedo attack? Jump on my back and have me carry him off into the sunset? Despite all the things we’ve been through, I have to say he did something even I wasn’t expecting … he tried to poke me in the dick … with his diploma.
Granted, it is only a jr. high school diploma, but still. I can’t think of any one time I’ve ever received a diploma and then thought “sweet, 4 years of hard work have come to this! Now it’s time to use this to go poke someone in the crotch!” Japan’s teaching me a lot about a world I just never knew.
Needless to say, he was unsuccessful. C’mon, three years of honing my Ninja Dodgedick skills, I’m not gonna get defeated by an ordinary straightaway attack, diploma or otherwise. I parried the attempt, then put Watson in another headlock. Seeing as how this would probably be our last meeting, there was something I just had to know.
Me: Ok, I gotta ask you. Three years it’s been. Three years of kancho, dick-grabbing, horseback riding, watch-stealing, antagonism. Why? That’s all I need to know, why?
Him: Because it’s interesting.
Me: That’s it?
Him: Yep.
I loosened my headlock, but still kept an arm around him and lead him off. “What are you gonna do to me?” Watson asks somewhat nervously. You must remember, he was the recipient of The Unholy Kancho, a kancho so legendary it will take another 10 years of CGI advancement to be able to faithfully produce it in movie form. Was I going to up the ante? Go for something completely new? After all, this was my last chance – 3 years had finally come down to this.
“Let’s take a picture,” I said.
watson.jpg
Good luck, kid.

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62 Responses

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  1. BrianfromNazareth said, on January 19, 2007 at 2:46 am

    Red caped superhero? Does that qualify as workplace cosplay? I can think of Garfields caped avenger but with Azrael instead, meaning that Smurfs would have extra few episodes…
    Got to stop this train of thought before it derails at top speed in urban area.

  2. Freedom III said, on January 19, 2007 at 3:17 am

    What happened to the picture of watson you had back on the old site? I only ever saw the frame of the link, so I was looking forward to it too…

  3. Jesse said, on January 19, 2007 at 4:03 am

    You’ve got to keep this up. I feel like a kid at Christmas-time when I find a new post from you.
    –“What are you gonna do to me?” Watson asks somewhat nervously.–
    Az, you’ve changed those kids forever.

  4. Navi said, on January 19, 2007 at 4:36 am

    I really like this article; it’s really touching. Parting is such sweet sorrow and all, you know. I miss the OP9 version, though, that had the picture of you and Watson at the end. Is there any way you could get the old pics up here, or post them back on OP9? If not, oh well; great stories, and that’s what matters. Actually, they’ve helped convince me to be a CIR when I do JET. >^.^;<

  5. J-hoosier said, on January 19, 2007 at 4:48 am

    Yeah, you can’t do too much to them. I think I gave my nemesis a Scooby-Doo valentine’s day card left over from a care package.

  6. Andii-kun said, on January 19, 2007 at 6:33 am

    Damn, I’m going to miss him. Oh, you look like you’ve gotten fat..

  7. [sabatoa] said, on January 19, 2007 at 9:00 am

    Great post!

  8. Ridiculous said, on January 19, 2007 at 9:18 am

    Az looks like Cedric the Entertainer would look if he were in a constant state of fear

  9. No name said, on January 19, 2007 at 9:46 am

    Oh man, so there wasn’t an epic ending… a picture is fine too…

  10. abby said, on January 19, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    Out of curiosity, how did Watson get his name?
    P.S. I love the site

  11. goats said, on January 19, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    Amazing photo! He has that perverted look engrained on his face!

  12. Freedom III said, on January 19, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    Wow…Watson definitely wasn’t what I was expecting…but now I know where the “what are you going to do to me?” line came from…I’d wonder that too if a guy at least 30-40 cm taller than I was wearing a black leather coat had me in a headlock…then again, I don’t go around kancho’ing english teachers…

  13. Excel-2007 said, on January 19, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    He looks as if he’s counting his lucky stars there.

  14. Kerii-chan said, on January 19, 2007 at 4:22 pm

    Ah, that’s such a bittersweet ending XD Bai Watson. Hope you have a good life.

  15. Gabe said, on January 19, 2007 at 4:26 pm

    A fitting end to an epic battle.
    *Looks at the picture*
    So that is what Watson looks like. He looks normal. I guess looks can be deciving.

  16. Rick said, on January 19, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    Hey man nice pic, I’m feelin’ it! You’re like the Big Papa of Kyoto!

  17. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 19, 2007 at 8:07 pm

    Her: Nuh-uh, I’m gonna live. But I will make sure your legend lives on in song.
    Me: This is revenge for World War II, isn’t it?
    That had me fucking rolling.
    Az, looking like you came from the 30’s or something, you just need a top hat, and you’ll look like a pimp

  18. Patrick said, on January 19, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    I always laugh at that conversation during Race Quiz. Maybe you should have offered her a suit of armor.
    And a tearful farewell to Watson, his comedy is gone now.

  19. Anonymous said, on January 19, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    Omigosh, that poor kid’s head is HUGE! It’s bigger than yours, and you’re an adult! Is it possible he’s the cousin/younger brother of your friend’s big-headed boyfriend?
    About the race game: I’ve seen that kind of racing go on in youth group at church, with kids the same age as the Japanese kids you write about, when the lesson ends up including a race (it happens from time to time). Trust me, Japanese kids in secular school have nothing on packs of Christian junior high school kids who think God will protect them from the consequences of their actions, however dangerous.

  20. Anonymous said, on January 19, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    Omigosh, that poor kid’s head is HUGE! It’s bigger than yours, and you’re an adult! Is it possible he’s the cousin/younger brother of your friend’s big-headed boyfriend?
    About the race game: I’ve seen that kind of racing go on in youth group at church, with kids the same age as the Japanese kids you write about, when the lesson ends up including a race (it happens from time to time). Trust me, Japanese kids in secular school have nothing on packs of Christian junior high school kids who think God will protect them from the consequences of their actions, however dangerous.

  21. Boris said, on January 20, 2007 at 12:09 am

    Watson looks like he’s gonna cry or something.

  22. Dave said, on January 20, 2007 at 1:41 am

    …and that boy will go on to become Prime Minister of Japan. Gambatte, Watson.

  23. Steve said, on January 20, 2007 at 2:03 am

    “Let’s take a picture,” I said.
    Good luck kid.
    Goddamn that’s epic.

  24. Mr Gohs said, on January 20, 2007 at 3:29 am

    Watson looks exactly like I pictures hime, somehow… (Except that I pictured him about 2 feet shorter and a lot rounder…)

  25. Matt Metford said, on January 20, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    The eternal nemeses take a break from their boundless enmity for a show of mutual respect for each others’ skill and tenacity.

  26. Corey Furzer said, on January 21, 2007 at 12:13 am

    No wonder this kid knocked you on your back. Those other two kids behind you look like if they did the same thing you’d probably be knocked a step back. Watson there is big for a japanese kid his age (but then you’ve already said that -_- ). Anyways where are all the other pictures. We need to see ultimate sweetness in all her glory!
    I also bet you that one day Watson will be back, with all the rest of the dickgrabbing/kanchoing (DG/K) bunch. They will form an evil team just to fight you. They will also recuit kids from your future classes to be spies and assasins. I can imagine the day Az looks down the street and an entire evil DG/K army are walking towards him. And he shall have to choose… To fight with all his gaijin glory (And probably fail to safe guard both ends)… or run like a chocobo! I’m glad that instead of going to japan to be a teacher I’m just taking part of my college degree there. Very little chance of kancho’s or dickgrabs for me. True I have more down there than Japanese guys (and I only know this because I watch their porn films…I should’nt have said that though. Lets see wheres the shovel and tnt for this hole I’m digging, maybe I should just stick my foot in my mouth. Nope, going for the TNT) But no chance of dickgrab by anyone unless it’s a girl I’m sleeping with, or maybe a random hot girl checking my stuff. As to kancho, I wouldnt be surprised if a kid on the street decided to terrorize poor me. All though I deserve it since I got drunk enough to do it to my best friend. Let’s just say he returned the favor with his foot.

  27. Ashley said, on January 21, 2007 at 5:47 am

    Azrael’s a hottie!

  28. David said, on January 21, 2007 at 10:36 am

    Hey Az,
    I’m a teacher and we play the same race quiz game, but we have the kids write their answers on the white board at the front of the room, rather than wispering. It generally means less death and blood shed.

  29. Runs With Scissors said, on January 21, 2007 at 9:07 pm

    aawwww *goes into little chibi anime person* SO CUTE!! lol. I really liked this post, it had a great balance of humor, bitter sarcasm, and thoughtfulness. Plus, your leather jacket just rocks, hands down. Keep it up! Oh, you gotta get a picture of utimate sweetness on here if you get the chance ^____^

  30. Tom said, on January 22, 2007 at 12:17 am

    Do you still dress up as a superhero for class?
    “Kids, look! It’s the English-teaching superhero EIGOMAN!”

  31. Anonymous said, on January 22, 2007 at 4:49 am

    Damn, I’m going to miss him. Oh, you look like you’ve gotten fat..
    Posted by: Andii-kun at January 19, 2007 06:33 AM
    Normally having a Japanese suffix after your name is a surefire way of calling out an Otaku, but you sound like you’re ready to go to Japan. Maybe you’re already in Japan? “Oh, you look like you’ve gotten fat.” Az, careful, sounds like one of your doctors reads your site.
    Nice post, and an appropriate end to the Eternal Rivalry. I’m sure he’s more than a little dissapointed he didn’t get that one last chance, it always sucks when you have to end a struggle in a loss.

  32. Anonymous said, on January 22, 2007 at 4:49 am

    Damn, I’m going to miss him. Oh, you look like you’ve gotten fat..
    Posted by: Andii-kun at January 19, 2007 06:33 AM
    Normally having a Japanese suffix after your name is a surefire way of calling out an Otaku, but you sound like you’re ready to go to Japan. Maybe you’re already in Japan? “Oh, you look like you’ve gotten fat.” Az, careful, sounds like one of your doctors reads your site.
    Nice post, and an appropriate end to the Eternal Rivalry. I’m sure he’s more than a little dissapointed he didn’t get that one last chance, it always sucks when you have to end a struggle in a loss.

  33. Alan said, on January 22, 2007 at 12:53 pm

    Seriously, how does a big, black, gaijin gain weight in japan with their comparatively TINY portions of food, and contstant running and evading of DK/K assassins on a daily basis?
    (Az’s Note:
    Perhaps having a broken collarbone and being in traction for *4 months* had *something* to do with my weight gain. …Just a thought.)

  34. AE said, on January 22, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    Japan is a scary place isn’ it?

  35. Joe said, on January 23, 2007 at 4:36 am

    dude you look like Tommie Harris Bears
    …go Bears!

  36. TheAirman said, on January 23, 2007 at 1:30 pm

    Yeah, Az.
    You’ve changed those kids forever. They’ll never forget you.

  37. Rikki said, on January 23, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    I’m diggin’ the white tie man.

  38. Wendi said, on January 24, 2007 at 3:45 am

    Great post, great endind, and great job as always Az.
    Nice leather jacket, btw.

  39. Anonymous said, on January 24, 2007 at 8:13 am

    Az, You look great. Thank for coming to Japan!
    You are the hero of Japanese students.

  40. Anonymous said, on January 24, 2007 at 8:13 am

    Az, You look great. Thank for coming to Japan!
    You are the hero of Japanese students.

  41. Amega said, on January 24, 2007 at 8:33 pm

    That is a pimptastic suit, man.

  42. evil_tennyo said, on January 26, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    awww… that was sweet 🙂 kinda like the martial art student was trying to punch the teacher, but the teacher dodged.. they gave each other a serious glance…and they both laughed it off… one of those kodack moments hehe.

  43. Belladona said, on January 27, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    Ignore those nitwits Az, you look pretty damned sexy! Remember, not everyone finds walking skeletons attractive.

  44. celestial said, on February 3, 2007 at 8:43 am

    hay where did my post go? i left a coment and now i can’t finde it.

  45. Samuel Smith said, on February 7, 2007 at 8:41 pm

    You know I don’t think you look fat in the picture. It is funny reading for a while and not seeing a picture of someone because you’ve been visualizing them a certain way and then you see them and its strage.

  46. Travis said, on February 17, 2007 at 4:38 am

    I just found this site yesterday and have read everything up to this so far. It all just interests me.
    This is how I pictured it ending, however. Actually, I almost expected you to give him the Target watch.

  47. ModusOperandi said, on April 3, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    Great end to an epic battle between the big black guy and the persistent, kancho-ninja from hell. To declare it a truce and seal it with a picture. 😀 I love it.

  48. D said, on July 14, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    I was reading your blogs up till now from the archives thinking “yeah.. kancho seems very fucking odd” and thought “yeah but they are only kids” he looks about 15.
    I’d be shocked if a 8 year old was doing it but wow. You have put up with it well my friend.

  49. benchi said, on August 24, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    Wow, seeing the picture he suddenly became so much more real. Despite hearing so much about him, it just didn’t seem like someone really could be THAT determined to molest you for 3 years…

  50. Anonymous said, on October 3, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    hee hee, that’s kinda sweet. Man, though, Watson doesn’t look like I was picturing him at all, and he IS quite large.
    Az, on the other hand, is looking sharp as hell in that suit and jacket. Dang! Did the Ministry buy him that? I want one.

  51. Anonymous said, on October 3, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    hee hee, that’s kinda sweet. Man, though, Watson doesn’t look like I was picturing him at all, and he IS quite large.
    Az, on the other hand, is looking sharp as hell in that suit and jacket. Dang! Did the Ministry buy him that? I want one.

  52. Anonymous said, on October 3, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Naw, you can tell; that kid has the eyes of a dick-grabber.

  53. Anonymous said, on October 3, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Naw, you can tell; that kid has the eyes of a dick-grabber.

  54. Anonymous said, on January 27, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    I remember stumbling on your site a cpl of years ago, back when you had discovered what the kancho was. within those 2 years ive gone to the philippines and south america for work. im headed to china soon, and had remembered your wacky stories. (im actually surprised i found your site, youve moved it, damn google is good)
    still look the same man. actually i thought you would have lost weight and gotten lighter from the lack of sun. hahaha you actually look healthy despite the food. man i lost weight in asia, i just couldnt take it, got sick my first day and was scarred for the rest of the semester lol.

  55. Anonymous said, on January 27, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    I remember stumbling on your site a cpl of years ago, back when you had discovered what the kancho was. within those 2 years ive gone to the philippines and south america for work. im headed to china soon, and had remembered your wacky stories. (im actually surprised i found your site, youve moved it, damn google is good)
    still look the same man. actually i thought you would have lost weight and gotten lighter from the lack of sun. hahaha you actually look healthy despite the food. man i lost weight in asia, i just couldnt take it, got sick my first day and was scarred for the rest of the semester lol.

  56. isho said, on June 18, 2008 at 7:53 am

    wow,so thats the Unholy terror of the Nether Regions. i would never have expected it. still its nice to have a face to the legendary name …of WATSON.
    Nice one man

  57. Hannah said, on March 19, 2009 at 3:01 am

    This was actually a good one, made me laugh and be sentimental at the same time. Damn those teaching moments…

  58. Amanda said, on March 19, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    …Over a year since the last comment, wow. Guess that’s what I get for just finding this site a few days ago.
    Shame, the pic isn’t working anymore. Still, an epic end to an epic struggle.

  59. SidViscous said, on March 30, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    Damn that is one good looking suit, and the jacket sets it off just right.
    What you need though is a katana on your back as well.

  60. Anonymous said, on July 14, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Great ending to a great story thanks for sharing it with us Az, I hope Watson comes back in the future :p

  61. Anonymous said, on July 14, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Great ending to a great story thanks for sharing it with us Az, I hope Watson comes back in the future :p

  62. Tomoyo said, on August 31, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    Hmm, Watson is a bit chunkier than I imagined. I suppose it really would be intimidating to have that reaching for your 3 Musketeers.


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