Gaijin Smash

Random Select

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 18, 2006

Just some assorted things that happened during one week at the Ghetto School.
I was in a ninensei class which saw a rare appearance of Larry from The Three Stooges. Seriously, it’s been so long since she’s actually been inside of a classroom, I was starting to think she was like the School Jester, or a really noisy janitor or something. Anything but a student. They managed to get her into class at least, but she spent her time playing around on her wildly decorated cell phone.
The kids were supposed to break off into pairs and recite some dialogue from the textbook. Usually they have to memorize it, but this time they only had to do a reading of it. Since Larry was actually in class this time, they paired her with a girl to do the recitation. They aren’t exactly friends, but they get along well enough, so in order not to screw the girl over, Larry decides she’ll do enough to properly be a recitation partner.
I went over there after a short practice time, and the two girls did their recitation except Larry did hers without even reading the paper. And it was right! I was amazed – granted, it wasn’t a whole lot of English, but I think she barely glanced at the paper. Even as I’d come over to check it, she briefly paused on her cell phone to spit out the English, then went back to downloading melodies.
I was surprised by this, to say the least. I usually fail to acknowledge the Stooges existence (which drives them completely nuts) but since she did a good job, I tried to encourage her. I am, after all, somewhat of a teacher.
Me: Hey, that was a good job! See, you can do it! Why don’t you try to come to English class more often?
Larry: DARUI!
I don’t know why I didn’t see that coming. I must be getting old.
Come to think of it, it’s been a weird week at the Ghetto School. It’s the week after final exams. I think I mentioned before, school continues on for a good 2-3 weeks after finals until the end of the term. During that time, teachers actually try to hold real classes, but the kids are all burned out from their tests, AND they know that they stuff that’s being covered, they won’t be tested on. Yeah, I wouldn’t pay attention either. Even the best, well-behaved classes become hyperactive during this time. But the Ghetto School has been strangely low-key this week. Even the bastards are sitting in their seats. They’re reading manga, but it’s better than them doing cartwheels out in the hallway (maybe you think I’m kidding about that one). I’m kind of worried, what the hell is going on? Have I stepped into some sort of Bizarro Ghetto School? Is there a Bizarro School of Peace, where Mousey is a good kid and Ultimate Sweetness is like the biggest slut? Is there a Bizarro version of me? What would that be like? The complete opposite of me — that would be a small white woman who actually liked being touched inappropriately by little kids. Holy shit, Michael Jackson is the Bizarro version of me! Or am I the Bizarro version of Michael Jackson? Mommy, I’m scared. Hold me.


***
I don’t know why, but I woke up one morning and my left eye was pretty irritated. It was all red and slightly swollen. I went to work. What’s the alternative, go to a Japanese doctor who’ll tell me I need to take some suppositories to get the swelling to go down? Or that the eye is a lost cause and here’s my new wooden one? Fuck that, I’m going to work.
The irritation and swelling didn’t really subside though, and I spent most of the day doing my best Sagat from Street Fighter impersonation (for those of you who are Street Fighter impaired, it means I had one eye closed most of the time). This went, for the most part, unnoticed. I love how completely un-observant Japanese people are. Anyway, I was in a ninensei class, when someone finally noticed I was only doing class with one open eye. The worst ninensei boy. The boy who wrote the “I Can Only Love You For a Day” break-up letter and helped to pioneer the Waist-Shake movement.
He points it out in the middle of class, and I say that yes, my eye hurts so I have it closed at the moment. “He’s Kakashi-sensei!” The boy blurts out. “He’s got a Sharingan in there! He must have used it too much, so now he has to rest it.”
This boy is referring to some ninja anime called Naruto.
Class went on, but now the boy is completely enthralled by me. It’s a good day if we can get him to stop punching people for 10 minutes, but this time he was hanging off my every word, waiting to see if I’d pop out a ninja-eye that could sense his power-level, or send him to a space/time void where I could kancho him limitlessly for 24 straight hours while only 3 seconds passed in the real world. He even quieted the other kids who were starting to get noisy. “Hey, shut up! I’m trying to listen to Kakashi-sensei!” He’d say.
Well, now I know that if I want to get the bad kids to settle down, all I need to do is show up to school looking like a Konoha Ninja. Yeah, I think I’m just gonna let them stay stupid, thanks.
***
Number of times Ms. Americanized swore during a 2-hr block – 16.
“Fuck, the goddamned chime” she says as the bell rings for class to start. “Shit, I forgot the handouts!” she says as we get to class. “Fucking hell!” she exclaims as she’s writing and the chalk breaks in her hands. Meanwhile, I think the kids are taking notes on her swears, but this was the day I was (apparently) concealing my Sharingan in my left eye, so I couldn’t see that well.
In this class, a ninensei’s class, we’d given the kids a copy of the English portion of the entrance exams for public high school that the sannensei recently took. Sort of a taste of things to come/let’s start freaking you out good and early kind of thing. At the end of the class, I took a look at the test – it was pretty ridiculous. There were some things that I couldn’t translate effectively into Japanese, and I’ve got 3 years of study and 3 years of immersion on these kids. I pointed this out to Ms. Americanized. “Where in New Horizon (out textbook) do they learn how to do this?” I asked. “They don’t.” She says flatly. “New fucking Horizon.”
When we got back to the teachers room, I told Ms. Americanized I’d heard her swear more today than I’d heard all week. And I have satellite TV now. “I don’t usually swear, at least this much.” She says. “It’s this school. This school makes me swear.” That’s actually very believable. I’d like to think my temper has a long fuse (I’m a Californian and we don’t get worked up about much, except road rage) but there are times when I want to give the nearest bastard an Ultimate Warrior-dropkick through a window. They are that bad.
Finally, Ms. Americanized turns to me and says “Whoever replaces you in August, please don’t tell him or her that I’m an English teacher who swears so much.”
Somehow, I think if that person doesn’t already know, they’re going to find out pretty quickly.

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30 Responses

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  1. Madfox said, on January 12, 2007 at 12:24 am

    woah thats freaky… i just looked on this site… and no new posts….
    i refreshed, then hey presto! ‘Random select’ appears.
    How freaky lol

  2. Kerii-chan said, on January 12, 2007 at 12:32 am

    XD I dare you, show up to class one day dressed as Hatake Kakashi. Or Asuma. Or Gai-sensei. Or whoever is easiest. Just do it XDD That should get the kids to pay attention.

  3. Orms-by-Gore said, on January 12, 2007 at 12:55 am

    Awesome, might be first post! Great as always Az! I only wish my own eye problems gave me ninja powers…

  4. Anonymous said, on January 12, 2007 at 1:05 am

    “What’s the alternative, go to a Japanese doctor who’ll tell me I need to take some suppositories to get the swelling to go down? Or that the eye is a lost cause and here’s my new wooden one? Fuck that, I’m going to work.”
    Well there’s always the option of the doctor saying that the swelling is an allergic reaction to your fatness and you need to go on a diet.

  5. Anonymous said, on January 12, 2007 at 1:05 am

    “What’s the alternative, go to a Japanese doctor who’ll tell me I need to take some suppositories to get the swelling to go down? Or that the eye is a lost cause and here’s my new wooden one? Fuck that, I’m going to work.”
    Well there’s always the option of the doctor saying that the swelling is an allergic reaction to your fatness and you need to go on a diet.

  6. Roy said, on January 12, 2007 at 1:41 am

    You should take the Kakashi-sensei role to discipline the bad kids. Since he can immitate the moves, use it! Ha ha, I see that Larry knows English.

  7. soumakyo said, on January 12, 2007 at 2:01 am

    oh my god, you have the tsukuyomi of Kancho. That’s … fearsome.
    and you have all my sympathy. Discovering that you are, in any regards, somehow linked to Micheal Jackson must be painful, very painful

  8. Frogger said, on January 12, 2007 at 5:11 am

    Could try giving lazy Larry some fashionable english magazine or the kind, see if it rouses her any.

  9. Ale said, on January 12, 2007 at 5:34 am

    I don’t know how justified this is, but I have a mental of you and Ms. Americanized as some kind of dynamic duo/partners in crime. What I mean is that I can see how you are sitting with an eyepatch and your arms crossed, looking sternly at the students, while Ms. Americanized is writing on the blackboard saying: “And this fucking preposition is not to be confused with that goddamn…” and so on. Maybe she screams “Shut the hell up!” and you stand up from the chair, looking menacing at some kid, creating an odd silence for about 10 seconds, before Ms. Americanized continues and you sit down.
    If you didn’t notice, I watch a lot of movies.

  10. Andii-kun said, on January 12, 2007 at 5:34 am

    Seriously, I cant help but picture Ms Americanized as Yukari-sensei from Azumanga ( ゚∀゚)アハハ八八ノヽノヽノヽノ \ / \/ \

  11. NB said, on January 12, 2007 at 6:25 am

    …as to your eye, have you tried losing some weight?

  12. Neko said, on January 12, 2007 at 9:58 am

    Haha, I love the Naruto references. X3 That made me laugh quite a bit. Kakashi-sensei now are you? I wonder which of your students are Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura.

  13. Anonymous said, on January 12, 2007 at 6:59 pm

    Seriously, try cosplaying as a ninja from naruto and she how the kids react. Should be funny.

  14. Anonymous said, on January 12, 2007 at 6:59 pm

    Seriously, try cosplaying as a ninja from naruto and she how the kids react. Should be funny.

  15. Jason X said, on January 12, 2007 at 11:44 pm

    Nice…

  16. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 13, 2007 at 12:22 am

    Your use of the word “Bizarro” sounds like Sealab 2021 on Adult Swim (but sadly, no-one’ll get my reference…)
    Larry.. give her a People magazine. That’ll do it.

  17. Ted said, on January 13, 2007 at 9:55 am

    are you still on JET then?

  18. Excel-2007 said, on January 13, 2007 at 11:12 am

    No offense, but I think you could be overstepping your bounds by referring to yourself as the polar opposite of Michael Jackson.

  19. Neil said, on January 13, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    If you don’t like small boys jumping you, I’d suggest NOT to wear a Gai-sensei costume.
    For those who know Naruto, you know why.

  20. Shinkada said, on January 13, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    The Michael Jackson line, and the subtle insult to Naruto, make this my favourite entry thus far. Period. 10/10.

  21. Kit said, on January 13, 2007 at 3:02 pm

    Micheal Jackson deserves his own species. Homo Sapien weirdium or something.
    Slightly disturbing, all of this.

  22. Zantetsu said, on January 13, 2007 at 8:33 pm

    Mistaking you for Kakashi for closing your eye… Perhaps next time you break your arm they’ll mistake you for a ronin instead. 😛
    The first rule of teaching is to make sure you have your student’s attention. Make her WANT to learn as I got it she’d probably like an English fashion magazine as well as introducing the boys to English Marvel comics (Spiderman in particular). If we like manga so much it should work the same there…

  23. Rion said, on January 13, 2007 at 10:05 pm

    Should’ve screamed at the top of your lungs, “MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!” and forced open your swollen eye if someone talked out of place.

  24. Deimos said, on January 14, 2007 at 5:55 am

    DUDE!! YOUR THE BIZARRO VERSION OF MICHEAL JACKON, WTF IS GOING ON, AHHHHHH *runs and hides*

  25. missmephy said, on January 14, 2007 at 7:27 pm

    http://community.livejournal.com/rahly_furverted/16317.html
    naruto fanart. which one are you?

  26. Anonymous said, on January 15, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    GAHG my eyes!!! They burn!! lol… there is something very very wrong with pairing those two… yeah, anyways, great post! I loved the Naruto reference, these kids come up with everything! XD

  27. Anonymous said, on January 15, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    GAHG my eyes!!! They burn!! lol… there is something very very wrong with pairing those two… yeah, anyways, great post! I loved the Naruto reference, these kids come up with everything! XD

  28. Anonymous said, on January 17, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    I am new to your blog and really don’t know much about Japanese culture. Do you think that you could add footnotes or something to help me understand your bizarre Japanese cult references?
    I’m trying to read your stuff, but man, I’m having a bit of a hard time.

  29. Anonymous said, on January 17, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    I am new to your blog and really don’t know much about Japanese culture. Do you think that you could add footnotes or something to help me understand your bizarre Japanese cult references?
    I’m trying to read your stuff, but man, I’m having a bit of a hard time.

  30. Corey said, on March 9, 2007 at 10:50 pm

    hehehe I think you forgot something else the doctor might say
    “Oh, I see your problem, your left eye saw your fatness, so you need to lose some weight”
    =-P


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