Gaijin Smash

Dr. Watson and Mr. Kancho

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 13, 2006

I was helping out a female sannensei student after school one day with English – she was concerned about the English part of her high school entrance exams, and wisely sought out my council. We talked about various things, eventually coming to my running rivalry with Watson. “He’s an ‘interesting’ dude, for sure,” she said. “But you know, he’s actually really, really nice. He’s always reminding us “don’t forget, it’s your turn to clean the bathroom” or “hey, don’t forget it’s your turn to erase the blackboard.” And sometimes if he has the time, he just does these things for us. He really is a nice guy.” Huh. This is a side of him I have *never* seen before. Of course, I’ve never seen a side of him that isn’t trying to violate my kibbles and my bits. At the same time, I suppose it’s not at all far-fetched, but I can’t even imagine a reality that involves this kid and not trying to grab someone’s dick. It’s just like what he does. Superman fights against evil and injustice. Jack Bauer is an anti-terrorist hardcore weapon of doom. Watson grabs dicks. That’s just how the world works.
To prove my point, later that week…
There are times in life when you just find yourself in a “Oh shit!” situation. It’s like time just freezes, and the only thing that goes through your brain is the extent of how fucked you are. Like if you were a Robeast, and you were fighting Voltron, and he pulls back and goes “FORM BLAZING SWORD!” You just know you’re fucked, the end.
It’d been a while, but I had one of those moments today. I was on my way to class on the third floor. I was going up the steps when suddenly my Ascended Senses flared up and I turned around to see Watson behind me. On the steps.
For those not familiar with Kancho Dynamics 101, I’ll explain – nailing someone on the steps is like the Perfect Kancho Position. Having the ass above you provides for maximum finger/arm extension, and full Thrust Acceleration. It also puts the bullseye in a prime location, thus improving Thrust Accuracy by a full 67.3%. Kancho has to be one of the only offensive attacks where having the lower ground is actually the advantage.


So yeah, with Watson behind me on the steps, it wasn’t a matter of if I was shit outta luck, but by how much.
I’d love to tell you that nothing happened. I really would. That Watson and I simply went up the stairs and onto our respective classes like any two normal human beings would. I’d love to tell you that. But you and I both know that if that were the case, we wouldn’t be here right now, would we?
With me at a disadvantage, I did the only thing I could with the time I had – turned around and switched targets on him. Now, I know I have just potentially sacrificed my cock for my cornhole, but that’s just the reality of the situation here. Luckily, I caught his hands as usual, and we were once again interlocked into our Endless Waltz.
Watson’s going to graduate soon, so this may be one of the last times I see him. I tried another shot at reasoning with him. “Seriously, dude, it’s been three years. Three whole years. Do you even know what you’re doing anymore?” Watson’s reply? “Honestly, does it even matter at this point?” Is this what we’ve come to now? Is it just now a natural battle of opposing forces? Like Good vs Evil? Hunter vs Prey? Kanchoer/Dick Grabber vs Kanchoee/Dick Dodger? If Watson ever did actually get a grab at my dick, I’m not sure he’d even know what to do next. He’d just be stunned, like “Waitaminute, I got it. So the battle’s over now? Huh?”
Hurry up and graduate, kid. There’s a brand new, shiny, untarnished foreign dick just waiting for you in high school. Unless the English teacher at his school is female, in which case he’ll either be shit outta luck, or the rules of the game will change completely.

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20 Responses

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  1. Rain said, on January 10, 2007 at 1:43 am

    He’s graduated since the original, yeah? Have you had any run-ins with him in town? Do you think if you were in Japan in ten or twenty years and he saw you he’d still make a go?

  2. Barry said, on January 10, 2007 at 2:57 am

    There’s one movie that comes to mind. The good news is, you get to be DeNiro.
    Vincent Hanna: You know, we are sitting here, you and I, like a couple of regular fellas. You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do. And now that we’ve been face to face, if I’m there and I gotta grab your dick, I won’t like it. But I tell you, if it’s between you and some poor bastard whose wife you’re gonna turn into a mother, brother, your dick is going down.
    Neil McCauley: There is a flip side to that coin. What if you do got my dick boxed in and I gotta put you down? Cause no matter what, you will not grab my dick. We’ve been face to face, yeah. But I will not hesitate. Not for a second.

  3. Mad Fox said, on January 10, 2007 at 6:16 am

    The rules of the game never changes.
    Its everything else that adapts to the game.
    You get a female teacher instead of a male one? Well, the female anatomy merely transforms and adapts to the circumstances. =P

  4. Kei said, on January 10, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    The funny thing is, your posts make me feel strange but interestedl. I want to experience this strangeness. Perhaps I will apply to the JET program.
    Your damn blog is too interesting! I’ve got a Land Law exam tomorrow that I should be studying for!

  5. Dave said, on January 10, 2007 at 2:25 pm

    Perhaps she’d be better off seeking counsel from someone else for her English exam.
    “I was helping out a female sannensei student after school one day with English – she was concerned about the English part of her high school entrance exams, and wisely sought out my council.”

  6. Sekichi said, on January 10, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    I need to make a cartoon of the dialogue…
    Have foreboding eerie music as Az walks up the stairs, then the anime \”Narrow the screen till just the eyes show and look to the side like you\’ve sensed something\”.
    Az turns around to find Watson in position and latin dramatic opera music plays, like in Star Wars or Lord of The Rings.
    All the parries and holding eachother back speaking out dramatic dialogue why they must fight eachother. \”I do it… Because my life needs reason! You\’re junk messed up beyond child bearing ability is my mission!\”

  7. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 10, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Uh… Do They do that in High school? If not…
    Ganbatte!

  8. Gabe said, on January 10, 2007 at 4:47 pm

    In the end Az, you just have to admit that for Watson, he has been doing this for so long that it is like a normal part of his day. He gets up, drinks coffee, eats breakfast and goes to school to dick grab/kancho. It is standard now. He has nothing left. I think if he got you 1 time he would have nothing left in the world. There would be nothing. So in a way, your ability to thwart him is his reason to live. You are keeping him alive.

  9. ZylitoL said, on January 10, 2007 at 10:04 pm

    “Kancho has to be one of the only offensive attacks where having the lower ground is actually the advantage.”
    One of your most classic lines. I remember when I first read this one, and I was sort of afraid that the teacher editorials would end abruptly. Fortunately, the brand new editorals are just as amazing. Reading this again gives me that nostalgic feeling…
    Az, you’re the best. Keep rockin’!

  10. Freedom III said, on January 11, 2007 at 1:50 am

    “Unless the English teacher at his school is female, in which case he’ll either be shit outta luck, or the rules of the game will change completely.”
    Do the rules change, or does he just not have to change hand-positions when he goes for the front…well, I guess the rules do change…purses…they hurt…

  11. Cloak said, on January 11, 2007 at 8:29 am

    Everyone says these are old editorials.
    I ask you, WHERE DOES HE POST HIS NEW ONES?
    Please for the love of God someone link the rest of us.

  12. Rachel said, on January 11, 2007 at 10:36 pm

    Wow! That intro was sort of like a mirror image of what I’d write…. except being a guy and what not. What college did you go to? I’ll definenlty go there!

  13. evil tennyo said, on January 13, 2007 at 8:04 am

    Lol I wonder what really would happen if he got a grab?

  14. Silencers said, on January 13, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    The force was strong with you back when I first read this, Az. I sure damn hope it still is.
    Wait, are you still in Japan? I kinda lost track of how long you were supposed to be there.

  15. Anonymous said, on January 17, 2007 at 5:26 pm

    I just posted that last comment about how I was going to need descriptions about the numerous Japanese cultural references to help me understand your stories. I’m new to the site and didn’t realize that there were three years worth of stories that would explain most of them. The problem is that when a new person comes to the site, the first story contains years worth of references, making what you write a bit tough for a newcomer to get through. I found the archives and I’ve started over. From what I’ve read so far, it’s good. Cheers.

  16. Anonymous said, on January 17, 2007 at 5:26 pm

    I just posted that last comment about how I was going to need descriptions about the numerous Japanese cultural references to help me understand your stories. I’m new to the site and didn’t realize that there were three years worth of stories that would explain most of them. The problem is that when a new person comes to the site, the first story contains years worth of references, making what you write a bit tough for a newcomer to get through. I found the archives and I’ve started over. From what I’ve read so far, it’s good. Cheers.

  17. Stefan said, on February 19, 2007 at 9:47 pm

    Well, look at it this way. You have a much more personal relationship with your students than most teachers here in the US.

  18. Anony-mouse said, on March 10, 2008 at 3:39 am

    If the new english teacher is female…would it just become a matter of frontal-kanchoing? ooh, I hope that never catches on in the states.

  19. Baka To The Future said, on October 10, 2008 at 7:40 am

    @Mad Fox
    “You get a female teacher instead of a male one? Well, the female anatomy merely transforms and adapts to the circumstances. =P”
    Waaaait wait wait wait.
    The female anatomy transforms and adapts?
    Does that really happen in Japan?
    …suddenly, some of those manga make a lot more sense. o.O

  20. Tomoyo said, on August 31, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    “Dick Dodger”? In the 24½th Century?


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