Gaijin Smash

I Think I’m Becoming Japanese

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 5, 2006

Live here long enough, and not only do you get desensitized to the madness, you find it starts enveloping you. The process is slow/gradual enough to the point where you don’t even notice it. It takes another, non-assimilated Gaijin friend to point out to you your own madness. Having been here almost three years, I’ve noticed I’ve got a pretty good foot in the doorway of insanity. Here are some disturbing thoughts of mine I’ve catalogued lately.
— Reading porn on the trains is perfectly acceptable. And it’s not at all weird for the newspapers to have a porn insert. Because sometimes, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
— A boy trying to grab my penis or stick his fingers up my ass is merely in his glorious Springtime of Youth. I can still remember my Springtime of Youth, sitting on my friend’s laps, grabbing at each other’s penises. What wonderful days.
— Women are cute little creatures who should always wear skirts, 4 pounds of makeup (hey Morpheus, gimme that blue pill!) and rear my children. Sometimes, they get upset, but that’s okay, it’s cute. If you wanna pacify them though, buy them something expensive. Louis Vuitton for the win.
— You know, Japan has four seasons. How about your country?
— There are 3 major food groups – fish, rice, and whatever isn’t fish or rice. The last group will shorten your life span, and make you smell bad though.


— Everything must be explained in thorough detail. Even if I already know it. Even if it’s something that has been the same since the mud dropped from the spear of the Gods and created the island nation of Japan, it still must be explained. Twice. Then, I must give my impressions about it.
— The atomic bomb was truly a tragic event in human history. And the Japanese are very pitiable to have been the only country to have been A-bombed. Every American should visit Hiroshima at least once to truly appreciate the horror. What? Pearl Harbor? Axis Powers? Atrocities in China and Korea? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
— Why do today what you can delegate to someone lower? If you are that someone lower, you can delegate it to tomorrow.
— Monday is a public holiday? Woo-hoo! Two-day weekend!
— You’re not a man unless you drink and smoke. Everyday. Many times a day. If you do one without the other, you’re still a pussy.
— Peanuts is the story of an adorable dog named Snoopy, with a minor supporting cast of the humans he runs around with.
— Koda Kumi – aren’t you cold? Perhaps you should put on a sweater and go rear some babies.
— Could there be anything more entertaining than watching celebrities eat on TV? Look how succulent and juicy the food is! Watch as their faces shine as the deliciousness causes them to shout out “oishii/umai!” Ah, the joys of living vicariously.
— When kids are not in school, they should be in their school clubs, or cram schools. What else would they do with their time? Play games? Use their imaginations? Spend time with their families? Such nonsense!
— Did you happen to see the 2006 Torino Shizuka Arakawa Wins Gold in Ladies Figure Skating? It was magnificent, truly wonderful! Olympics? What?
— A conversation with my girlfriend while watching TV
Me: Hey, that’s Gotoh Maki, isn’t it?
Her: Yeah, do you know her?
Me: Not really. I just read the name kanji. But, she used to be a member of Morning Musume, didn’t she?
Her: Yeah, that’s right. A few years back.
Me: Why the fuck do I know that?
Her: Your transformation into a Japanese person is coming along nicely. There, there, you don’t have to cry.
Me: Yes I do.

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39 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on January 8, 2007 at 1:12 am

    don’t you miss real steak?

  2. Anonymous said, on January 8, 2007 at 1:12 am

    don’t you miss real steak?

  3. Deimos said, on January 8, 2007 at 1:47 am

    Wow, i would be seriously scared if i was turning Japanese after what i have read

  4. Freedom III said, on January 8, 2007 at 1:51 am

    Pr0n on the train!? WTF…then again, I’m only 16…and yeah, I enjoy the four seasons…
    -Kofu, Yamanashi: Snow, Sakura-trees, 99% humidity + 36 degrees, falling leaves…
    -Seattle, WA: Sakura-trees, falling leaves…
    And about the food…well, you have to add soba/ramen/udon/soumen…without them, I couldn’t live…

  5. Deimos said, on January 8, 2007 at 1:55 am

    Scary, from what ive read about the japanese culture i would shoot myself before turning into one of them

  6. Flash said, on January 8, 2007 at 2:46 am

    Woo first comment. I wonder if I would become Japanasized after living there for three years. I’d probably forget English or something.

  7. Anonymous said, on January 8, 2007 at 3:45 am

    I feel for ya bro! As usual, an interesting yet funny post.

  8. Anonymous said, on January 8, 2007 at 3:45 am

    I feel for ya bro! As usual, an interesting yet funny post.

  9. Mad Fox said, on January 8, 2007 at 8:25 am

    “Why do today what you can delegate to someone lower? If you are that someone lower, you can delegate it to tomorrow.”
    Q.F.T.

  10. Genibibiou said, on January 8, 2007 at 9:11 am

    When I read the title, I thought of that song “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors.
    >.O I still think of how weird it is that guys read porn on the trains. I mean- some of the hentai can be really REALLY disturbing.
    You need to go home again soon, Jeff. We’re getting concerned. America is suffering without you. Come back and have a nice, normal, American girlfriend. That should put things back into perspective for you.

  11. Jeremiah said, on January 8, 2007 at 11:57 am

    There is a song that comes to mind when I read your title for this article.. I have enjoyed reading your views on Japanese cultures and ways of life.. I cannot wait to read your next post…
    “I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think
    so.”

  12. Anonymous said, on January 8, 2007 at 2:14 pm

    Welcome Az-san.
    It’s too late.
    Go back to the U.S. You are already a weird gaijin, hehehe.

  13. Anonymous said, on January 8, 2007 at 2:14 pm

    Welcome Az-san.
    It’s too late.
    Go back to the U.S. You are already a weird gaijin, hehehe.

  14. Kosetsu said, on January 8, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    Someday, you should do another editorial exactly like this one, except updated. I’m sure that you’ve had many new, disturbing Japanese-assimilation-related thoughts in the past 10 months or so, and we’d love to laugh at you for having ’em.

  15. Gabe said, on January 8, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Az! Run! Come back to the light side!

  16. J said, on January 8, 2007 at 4:19 pm

    Thr Koda Kumi part made me laugh. XD

  17. Frank said, on January 8, 2007 at 4:28 pm

    Ahhh… The four seasons! They will tell you about them as if it’s the most incredible thing in the world. They’re very skeptical when you explain that most of the United States has the same:
    “New leaves form on the trees in spring?”
    “Yes.”
    “Then it is hot in the summer?”
    “Yes.”
    “Then the leaves on the trees turn colors in the fall?”
    “Yes.”
    “Then it is cold in the winter?”
    “Yes.”
    “Then it all happens again?”
    “Yes.”
    “Nowhere else has four seasons!”

  18. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 8, 2007 at 5:02 pm

    If I was there for that long, yeah, that’d happen to me too… Except I’d like it.
    Though I would forget talking in slang, and good haircuts

  19. Patrick said, on January 8, 2007 at 7:54 pm

    I laughed when I read this before, and I laughed when I read it now. The ending is the capper to it all. Now, all you need to do is wear a kimono and worry that your ancestors aren’t happy with your workolad. :p

  20. soumakyo said, on January 9, 2007 at 2:00 am

    you could add
    – it’s completely acceptable to have one of the aforementionned crappy food-eating TV program telling you how awesome is whale meat, during one hour.
    That was broadcasted at the city office waiting room, when I was waiting for some visa businness. I now know that whale meat is umaaaai, makes you slim, and probably cures cancer

  21. Kei said, on January 9, 2007 at 3:43 pm

    Well Jeff, a friend has shown me the light.
    I have read your blog. I will continue to read it as much as possible.
    I fear I will never understand Japanese people.
    I myself was with a girl for 3 and a half years. She was cute, cooked, cleaned, had an opinion, and wanted to marry me.
    Then one day after promising to love me forever she disappeared. No reply to my emails, no reply to the calls. Just gone….
    Hopefully your blog will help explain what happened to me.
    Many regards,
    Kei
    http://blog.oxygen-inc.com

  22. anton said, on January 9, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    A while ago, on the Atomic bomb memorial day, on of my (japanese) teachers at school, told me about the day. How everyone here in japan grieves, but how ignorant the americans are, always forgetting about that day.
    Then I aksed her, “Do you know what day is the memorial day of Pearl Harbor?” and she(probably along with everyother japanese person) didnt.

  23. Shack said, on January 9, 2007 at 11:59 pm

    As an 18-year-old Japanophile planning on doing
    JET after I graduate, I’m loving the narrative.
    From speaking to exchange students, and being
    taught by a dentouteki nihonumare teacher, I feel
    you on the “Everything has to be explained to
    death” thing. I’m enjoying the archives, and
    look forward to reading more.

  24. Tower said, on January 10, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    REsistance is futile Az, you have been there to long. Should try an Americanise your Girlfriend so as to gain sympathy from inside the borders
    Australia is different, not only because we are reversed to the Northern Hemisphere, but because snow is rare enough that outside the mountains areas, it’s usually on the first or second page news. Plus it rains pretty much only in winter
    Here in Melbourne, it’s usually
    Spring : Warm
    Summer : Hot (40+ degrees for 8 days in a row)
    Autumn : Warm / Cold
    Winter : Rains

  25. stef said, on January 10, 2007 at 11:33 pm

    Change a few words and it could be written about Korea.

  26. Stormhammer said, on January 11, 2007 at 1:01 am

    OMG how I have missed this place. Sooner or later, I have to go back to the madness that is Japan. Good stuff Az, keep it coming.
    -Stormhammer-

  27. Anonymous said, on January 11, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    soumakyo = What happened to you was you got dumped by a coward in the most weasley fashon possable. Find an american or european girlfriend they wont hesitate to tell you they arent happy(and if shes scottish it may involve flying pots and pans) and youll understand them when they say it. Fuck Japan.

  28. Anonymous said, on January 11, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    soumakyo = What happened to you was you got dumped by a coward in the most weasley fashon possable. Find an american or european girlfriend they wont hesitate to tell you they arent happy(and if shes scottish it may involve flying pots and pans) and youll understand them when they say it. Fuck Japan.

  29. dr said, on January 11, 2007 at 8:31 pm

    koreans feel the same: bursting with pride over their four distinct seasons. every time i hear it it takes all the strength i can muster not to burst out laughing.

  30. Anonymous said, on January 13, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    Wait when did we learn your real name was Jeff ^.-

  31. Anonymous said, on January 13, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    Wait when did we learn your real name was Jeff ^.-

  32. Alec said, on January 21, 2007 at 10:44 am

    Haha, that really struck a chord. You’re a great writer!

  33. Gabieo said, on January 21, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    Hey, you should put in your FAQs page whether or ot you still work in Japan or if you’ll be posting anything new anytime soon. I used to read your editorials before you had this site and remember checking back regularly for a hillarious new story every time but i’m slightly dissapointed because every time i check here it seems to have a re-run. I don’t remember what your e-mail is and I’m too lazy to search for it but i’m praying here that you respond to these posts because they ask for e-mail.

  34. Hmm said, on February 14, 2007 at 1:21 am

    Americans fixation on Pearl Harbor can be quite disturbing. Nobody else in the world gives a damn about Pearl Harbor, the people that died were mostly soldiers and soldiers do die in a war. Far more people do tend to remember Hiroshima and the holocaust entirely because they symbolise the madness of mankind.
    Tragically the patriotic bullshit many americans seem to get with the mothersmilk makes them blind to the fact that Pearl Harbor does not have a symbolic value outside USA.
    No offense to you in any way Az.

  35. Crosse said, on June 8, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    made me remember the time you saw your on face on the mirror and I think im not sure you forgot you were black or something and you said “you dont see that shit everyday” lol

  36. Dran said, on August 14, 2007 at 10:37 am

    Woohoo! I’ve been waiting for a Morning Musume referance to come up for ages. XP

  37. Salagir said, on September 12, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    After I clicked “sign in” => “The site you’re trying to comment on has not signed up for this feature. Please inform the site owner.”
    Done.
    “Peanuts is the story of an adorable dog named Snoopy, with a minor supporting cast of the humans he runs around with.”
    Same thing in France ! The comics is released under the name “Snoopy”, most usually with the dog sleeping on the roof of his house as a cover.

  38. Jonadab the Unsightly One said, on November 8, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    > Monday is a public holiday? Woo-hoo! Two-day weekend!
    This has got to be the most hilarious line you’ve ever posted.
    > Peanuts is the story of an adorable dog named Snoopy, with
    > a minor supporting cast of the humans he runs around with.
    Wait, I actually kind of agree with that one. Well, except for the fact that he’s a beagle, and in real life beagles are just about the stupidest breed of dogs ever. But Snoopy doesn’t look or act like a beagle, so you can sort of ignore that.
    > Nobody else in the world gives a damn about Pearl Harbor, the people that
    > died were mostly soldiers
    People die in war, yes…
    > and soldiers do die in a war. Far more people do tend to remember
    > Hiroshima and the holocaust entirely because they symbolise the
    > madness of mankind.
    Meh. Hiroshima took place during wartime, as part of a war, and not without warning. Pearl Harbor took place during, as far as we knew, peacetime, with Japanese diplomats in D.C. insisting that the U.S. should remain neutral and that Japan did not want a war with us.
    As for the difference between civilian and military casualties, that’s really only relevant in the West, where culture is such that civilians aren’t really part of the war effort for the most part, other than supporting industries and such. I don’t think we’d have used the A-bomb against Germany, as heinous as what they were doing was. When you’re dealing with an Eastern power, though, the line between civilians and soldiers can get pretty blurry. Especially when they’re losing as badly as Japan was in 1945. The closer US forces got to mainland Japan, the more civilians turned into soldiers every day. It is arguable that the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, by significantly shortening the war (which they without question did), actually had a net effect of saving Japanese civilian lives (this is the part that’s arguable).
    I’m not saying Hiroshima shouldn’t be remebered. It absolutely should be. And we do study it in history class in the US, or at least I did at several different grade levels. It’s a very significant event, historically, not just for Japan but also for the US, not to mention the significance of the fact that it was on everyone’s minds at the beginning of the cold war. The ethics of whether the bombs should have been dropped or not are debated in history class in just about every high school in the US. But in context it’s hardly the unilateral atrocity you want to make it.
    And no, Pearl Harbor isn’t a big deal outside the US, but I’m not sure how that’s relevant. The point is, different cultures remember different dates. I don’t happen to know the precise date of Bastille Day, though I believe I understand its historical import (not just for France, either). I suppose French people all know that date off the top of their heads. If I don’t, it doesn’t mean I don’t know any history; it just means I’m not French. And if I don’t recall the month and day of the Hiroshima bombing, it doesn’t mean I don’t understand its historical importance; it just means I’m not Japanese.
    Actually, Pearl Harbor was probably a poor example. A lot of Americans don’t know that date either. The Fourth would have been a better example, because virtually all Americans (well, virtually all the ones with a measurable IQ) know that one.

  39. Eyestrain said, on November 13, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Oh my god, if anything could be more true than the “everything must be explained twice + opinions” statement I cannot imagine it.
    I love Japan, really I do- despite its quest to rid the world of fish, acceptable child fetishizing, and blatant sexism/intolerance. But this explaining. The contstant explaining.
    I will go insane.
    And then I will tell everyone how I gambaru’d through it, even though it was chotto taihen.


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