Gaijin Smash

The Light and Darkside of the Force II

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 28, 2006

Mr. Kancho tried to kancho me today. This was kind of surprising, as I hadn’t had any attempts in awhile. Where have I heard this before?
With final exams and graduation looming on the horizon, most kids are too busy trying not to kill themselves to worry about such things like kancho*. Even long-time offenders such as Mousey and Watson (both of whom will be graduating soon) have been fairly low-key. But Mr. Kancho, still a fresh ichinensei, hasn’t had his spirit properly broken by the system yet and can still poke some people in the ass before his nail gets hammered down. Mr. Kancho is also a runt of a kid, and it was then that I realized that he was on the fast track to becoming Mousey – The Next Generation. To boldly go where no man has gone before. And damn well shouldn’t. And won’t if I have anything to say about it.
*Although, I am starting to wonder if there’s a Kancho Season. Y’know, like how there’s baseball season, or duck hunting season. Mr. Kancho might just be in Spring Training or something.
Anyway, I’d felt a slight poke, and I turned to see Mr. Kancho backing away, holding his finger. “It’s hard! Holy crap it’s hard!” He exclaims. I realized that he’d missed crack (Praise the Lord) and had somehow poked my wallet instead. I almost told him this. Almost. But then I came up with a plan so genius, so magnificent, I feel I should at least get a Nobel nomination. It’s even better than the threat of a counter-kancho that would cause General Tojo 60 years ago to recall his planes before they reached Pearl Harbor.
I turned to Mr. Kancho. “Oh, you didn’t know? We Gaijins have Ass-Cheeks of Steel.”
“Is that true?” Mr. Kancho’s friends ask him. “Well, it WAS pretty hard” Mr. Kancho says.
“Yeah,” I continue, “we start training our Ass-Cheeks Of Steel in elementary school. For various reasons. To fight against terrorism and what not. So the next time you put a finger up there, you might not get it back.


Mr. Kancho is thoroughly freaked, and maybe, just maybe, a new Gaijin Superpower is born. I’ve come to realize over the years that the Japanese aren’t as freaked out about stuff going up their ass as they should be. Suppository medicine and porns with old guys getting reamed in the ass by girls wearing strap-ons have taught me this. All this time I’ve been trying to keep them at bay with 1000 Years of Pain, but it seems like they may not even mind that much. It’ll be like 1000 Years of Normalcy or some shit. So if the Counter Kancho From Hell holds no merit, then at least the threat of getting a finger clinched right off should do the trick. Next time I come to his school, I’m gonna bring a copy of the “Buns of Steel” workout video as proof.
I expect not to have anymore kancho problems for awhile.
But hold on a minute, what about my Ascended Senses? Why didn’t they kick in? The answer is simple – at the time of his attack, I was talking to Ultimate Sweetness. When you are in the presence of Sweetness, you just forget that evil exists in the world. Everything is just cupcake gummy drop snookum-wookum Care Bears shit. Some of you have emailed me talking about your own personal Ultimate Sweetnesses. Such a thing doesn’t exist. I’ve worked with a lot of kids over the years, and I can say with confidence that Ultimate Sweetness is one of a kind. Sure, there’s lots of gosh-darned cute kids out there, but it’s not even in the same ballpark as Sweetness. When I have kids of my own, they will just not be as cute as Sweetness. I’ve come to terms with this reality.
Not long after Mr. Kancho’s attack, I was talking to the English teacher (who freely admits that Sweetness is cuter than her own kids) and again Sweetness came up.
Me: I’ve been with the current sannensei since they were ichinensei, it’s been interesting to see them grow up.
Her: Yes, I think so. The ninensei are getting older too I think. Even Sweetness-chan. Maybe soon she will become the age where she will want to date boys. I don’t want her to do that. She’s too … clean? I don’t want any boys to touch her.
Me: I understand that. It’s a good thing her father is a national martial arts champion (yes, you read that right), he can protect her.
Her: Yes, that would be best. She should be protected from dirty boys.
Me: How the fuck did we end up talking about this?
Her: *innocently shrugs*
I’m still kind of considering kidnapping her so we could have tea parties and make stuffed animals.

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30 Responses

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  1. Mad Fox said, on January 5, 2007 at 12:54 am

    Uh-huh… “Tea parties”
    so thats what you call it huh?
    and stuffing ‘animals’ too…. =P

  2. Futtock said, on January 5, 2007 at 2:21 am

    I finished your entire archive in 2 hours. You own. I love Japan. I love Akanishi Jin.

  3. Josh T said, on January 5, 2007 at 3:11 am

    Mad Fox: Don’t you try and ruin Ultimate Sweetness like that. Thoughts of that kind should never even go near her.

  4. Spring Hare said, on January 5, 2007 at 6:56 am

    No. you’re going to the wrong direction, Mad Fox. It should be obvious that if there is any person in world that should be protected from that kind of thinking, it’s Ultimate Sweetness. I think Az-Sensei has made it preeeetty clear that any filthy thoughts about her are just plain wrong.

  5. Micki said, on January 5, 2007 at 8:59 am

    When I was in Japan I took some free kendo lessons at the local elementary school. My teacher (a really cool guy) had an absolutely adorable daughter, even more so because of the over-sized armor she was wearing (little kids get bigger sizes so they can grow into them). I’d dare not stare for too long though in fear of getting beaten by a bamboo sword though.
    I guess only those proficient in martial arts can conceive children so cute. It must be some natural system of protection the Japanese have.

  6. Low said, on January 5, 2007 at 10:12 am

    2 hours whole archive i laugh at you, 1 hr 11 mins

  7. Driver Driverson said, on January 5, 2007 at 2:09 pm

    Yeah right, I’d hit it!

  8. mephy said, on January 5, 2007 at 6:28 pm

    dude, no. even as a hentai conossieur i find that wrong. hentai girls are cute and therefore hot; Ultimate Sweetness would kill you with cute before you even undid your belt.

  9. Mr. Bomberman. said, on January 5, 2007 at 6:59 pm

    Ah.. Ultimate Sweetness.
    The evolution of cuteness and sugar.

  10. Ridiculous said, on January 5, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    Oh yeah well I read the entire archive in 47 seconds while my step-father was murdering my mother and my bioligical father was stabbing me in the heart with 7 different breadknives
    but you don’t hear me bragging about it

  11. Gabe said, on January 5, 2007 at 9:22 pm

    I am begining to sence that some of you do not know what Az means when he says “Ultimate Sweetness”. If you are confused as to what he means and think that there is anything dirty about the girl then I urge you to eat 44lbs. of sugar (straight up) and read the stories about the Ultimate Sweetness again. Only then will your truely scratch the surface of the sugary overlode. Being a hentai bastard when speaking about the Ultimate Sweetness is akin to watching Care Bears and commenting that a Care Bear is hot. It is a hell worthy tresspass in where you will go to the Special hell… The one reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.
    When Az says he wants to “Kidnap her for a tea party and make stuffed animals” it is one of the very few times he is dead serious in a very literal way. WHat he is saying is that he wants to be a 5 year old girl and play tea party with Ultimate Cuteness and 100 stuffed animals in an all pink and white room with the sun shining through the pink curtains. We are talking about full on leave your balls at the door because you wont need them ever again. We are talking about a story where Az will never be cool again.
    (Did I sum it up right Az?)

  12. Driver Driverson said, on January 5, 2007 at 11:26 pm

    You guys keep chillin on Planet Pretend with the cartoons, I’d still hit it.

  13. Kat said, on January 6, 2007 at 1:10 am

    “We Gaijans have Ass Cheeks of Steel.”
    I think I nearly died laughing at this!

  14. Anonymous said, on January 6, 2007 at 5:12 am

    I love how we are so vigorously up in arms about a girl we’ve never met- not that I’m disagreeing with the Ultimate Sweetness defenders!
    side note- I’m not sure how long it took me to read the archives, but I read the editorials on outpostnine too for good measure! Just incase any other newcomers can’t get enough of the entertaining and often insightful commentary. Thanks Az!

  15. Anonymous said, on January 6, 2007 at 5:12 am

    I love how we are so vigorously up in arms about a girl we’ve never met- not that I’m disagreeing with the Ultimate Sweetness defenders!
    side note- I’m not sure how long it took me to read the archives, but I read the editorials on outpostnine too for good measure! Just incase any other newcomers can’t get enough of the entertaining and often insightful commentary. Thanks Az!

  16. Anonymous said, on January 6, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Mephy, if you watched hentai, then most definetly you, of all people, would hit it.

  17. Anonymous said, on January 6, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Mephy, if you watched hentai, then most definetly you, of all people, would hit it.

  18. Mad Fox said, on January 7, 2007 at 4:29 am

    Gabe, you are disgusting.
    Oh and its insulting to draw parallels between people who talk to theaters and children molesters.
    You need to get your priorities straightened.
    Good day.

  19. Anonymous said, on January 7, 2007 at 10:46 am

    Fox, Gabe’s special hell comment was a quote from the show Firefly. Also, his comment is accurate. Not disgusting in any way.

  20. Anonymous said, on January 7, 2007 at 10:46 am

    Fox, Gabe’s special hell comment was a quote from the show Firefly. Also, his comment is accurate. Not disgusting in any way.

  21. Ravnos said, on January 7, 2007 at 11:56 am

    That “special hell” is reserved for people who don’t know who Shepherd Book is, too.

  22. Anonymous said, on January 7, 2007 at 6:10 pm

    Mad Fox is a name which here means “epic fail”.

  23. Anonymous said, on January 7, 2007 at 6:10 pm

    Mad Fox is a name which here means “epic fail”.

  24. Ruela said, on January 8, 2007 at 7:56 am

    Mad Fox has a point… maybe it’s all a reference to that movie, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:
    “Alright, and after it’s all over, you say ‘Ooh, what a lovely tea party'”
    Az has been in Japan for too long, I wouldn’t be surprised.

  25. Mad Fox said, on January 8, 2007 at 8:21 am

    actually mad fox means a type of animal which is angry…

  26. What Murder? said, on January 8, 2007 at 2:19 pm

    I read this when it was first posted and damn it I still think that girl should be put in a sterilized room where no filthy men can touch her! People will have to pay half a million dollars to even be allowed in the parking lot of the building that Ultimate Sweetness is being sheltered in! Such purity should not be tainted by the perverse world in which we live.
    Moeko should be put in the room next door for good measure.

  27. Rebecca said, on January 12, 2007 at 3:51 am

    I can’t help but feel that Mad Fox might accidentally mean a fox that has rabies or something.. because only someone completely insane would want to corrupt Ultimate Sweetness!
    From what I’ve read, one look into that face and all corruptable thoughts become mush until she’s left.

  28. Kremmy said, on February 5, 2007 at 3:21 am

    And the wheel turns
    Am torn between making a joke about the care bears or tracking down Mad Fox’s meat body
    votes?

  29. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    Fedor Emilianenko should adopt her, just to keep the pervs of Japan from even THINKING about dirtiness in relation to her.

  30. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    Fedor Emilianenko should adopt her, just to keep the pervs of Japan from even THINKING about dirtiness in relation to her.


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