The Light and Darkside of the Force II
Mr. Kancho tried to kancho me today. This was kind of surprising, as I hadn’t had any attempts in awhile. Where have I heard this before?
With final exams and graduation looming on the horizon, most kids are too busy trying not to kill themselves to worry about such things like kancho*. Even long-time offenders such as Mousey and Watson (both of whom will be graduating soon) have been fairly low-key. But Mr. Kancho, still a fresh ichinensei, hasn’t had his spirit properly broken by the system yet and can still poke some people in the ass before his nail gets hammered down. Mr. Kancho is also a runt of a kid, and it was then that I realized that he was on the fast track to becoming Mousey – The Next Generation. To boldly go where no man has gone before. And damn well shouldn’t. And won’t if I have anything to say about it.
*Although, I am starting to wonder if there’s a Kancho Season. Y’know, like how there’s baseball season, or duck hunting season. Mr. Kancho might just be in Spring Training or something.
Anyway, I’d felt a slight poke, and I turned to see Mr. Kancho backing away, holding his finger. “It’s hard! Holy crap it’s hard!” He exclaims. I realized that he’d missed crack (Praise the Lord) and had somehow poked my wallet instead. I almost told him this. Almost. But then I came up with a plan so genius, so magnificent, I feel I should at least get a Nobel nomination. It’s even better than the threat of a counter-kancho that would cause General Tojo 60 years ago to recall his planes before they reached Pearl Harbor.
I turned to Mr. Kancho. “Oh, you didn’t know? We Gaijins have Ass-Cheeks of Steel.”
“Is that true?” Mr. Kancho’s friends ask him. “Well, it WAS pretty hard” Mr. Kancho says.
“Yeah,” I continue, “we start training our Ass-Cheeks Of Steel in elementary school. For various reasons. To fight against terrorism and what not. So the next time you put a finger up there, you might not get it back.
Mr. Kancho is thoroughly freaked, and maybe, just maybe, a new Gaijin Superpower is born. I’ve come to realize over the years that the Japanese aren’t as freaked out about stuff going up their ass as they should be. Suppository medicine and porns with old guys getting reamed in the ass by girls wearing strap-ons have taught me this. All this time I’ve been trying to keep them at bay with 1000 Years of Pain, but it seems like they may not even mind that much. It’ll be like 1000 Years of Normalcy or some shit. So if the Counter Kancho From Hell holds no merit, then at least the threat of getting a finger clinched right off should do the trick. Next time I come to his school, I’m gonna bring a copy of the “Buns of Steel” workout video as proof.
I expect not to have anymore kancho problems for awhile.
But hold on a minute, what about my Ascended Senses? Why didn’t they kick in? The answer is simple – at the time of his attack, I was talking to Ultimate Sweetness. When you are in the presence of Sweetness, you just forget that evil exists in the world. Everything is just cupcake gummy drop snookum-wookum Care Bears shit. Some of you have emailed me talking about your own personal Ultimate Sweetnesses. Such a thing doesn’t exist. I’ve worked with a lot of kids over the years, and I can say with confidence that Ultimate Sweetness is one of a kind. Sure, there’s lots of gosh-darned cute kids out there, but it’s not even in the same ballpark as Sweetness. When I have kids of my own, they will just not be as cute as Sweetness. I’ve come to terms with this reality.
Not long after Mr. Kancho’s attack, I was talking to the English teacher (who freely admits that Sweetness is cuter than her own kids) and again Sweetness came up.
Me: I’ve been with the current sannensei since they were ichinensei, it’s been interesting to see them grow up.
Her: Yes, I think so. The ninensei are getting older too I think. Even Sweetness-chan. Maybe soon she will become the age where she will want to date boys. I don’t want her to do that. She’s too … clean? I don’t want any boys to touch her.
Me: I understand that. It’s a good thing her father is a national martial arts champion (yes, you read that right), he can protect her.
Her: Yes, that would be best. She should be protected from dirty boys.
Me: How the fuck did we end up talking about this?
Her: *innocently shrugs*
I’m still kind of considering kidnapping her so we could have tea parties and make stuffed animals.