Gaijin Smash

More Sushi and Sex

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 22, 2006

I met up with a friend, another Kyoto JET, during the week just to blow off some work steam.
Here’s my story:
I found myself, yet again, stuck in the porn section of a Japanese video store.
I know, I know, for a guy who hates the stuff so much he sure does find himself immersed in it quite often. Don’t think I’m hiding any secret perverse joy for the stuff – make no mistake, Japanese porn is pure and utter crap. I was there on a mission – not long after my review of Street Fucker, I was alerted to the existence of a sequel – Street Fucker Dash. Or, I guess Street Fucker Turbo if it’d ever been brought to America. While the actresses were different, it seemed to have the same Ryu, Guile, and Fucker Honda. The appeal of unintentional comedy was too strong, and I once again found myself in The Wastelands.
I did not find Street Fucker Dash, and I’m certainly not going to ask about it. What I did find though, was an entire shelf devoted to Monburan. If you’ll remember correctly, Monburan was my student’s porn actress of choice when given 5 minutes to create an English skit. Not wanting to leave empty handed, so to speak, I grabbed the most normal-looking title I could find, and took off. I decided to watch this with the girlfriend, it seemed less weird that way.
It started off innocently enough. In the porn, Monburan was reading a dirty manga, and imagining herself into the scenes. The first scene was your standard horny high school girl/somewhat reluctant male teacher stuff. “This is bad” he says, “we really shouldn’t be doing this.” Right buddy. You’re not exactly doing a great job of shoving her off. I have to say, my student has terrible taste in porn actresses. This Monburan isn’t even that cute, and she’s got a horrible set of fake tits to boot.
Anyway, onto scene 2. In this scene, she’s wearing some kind of custodian uniform and cleaning up a couch. Some old Japanese guy comes in and starts ordering her around, making sure to flip up her skirt and take liberal feels here and there. And so on and so on, you all know the drill. BUT! The scene stops midway as Monburan expresses her distaste for this particular setup. “Shit! How disgusting! Like I’d ever grovel for such a dirty old man! It should be the other way around.” The scene changes. Now, Monburan is leading the same old guy around by a leash tied to his neck. She forces him to do stuff to her, all the while calling him dirty names even *I* wouldn’t reproduce here. This was already a turn for the highly disturbing.
But if there’s anything I’ve learned about Japan while living here its that when you think you’ve hit absolute rock bottom, grab your shovels and start digging, gentlemen.

She then produces a pair of strap-on underwear. YES, strap-on underwear, and uses it to pound the old guy in the ass.
I got nothing. I’m speechless. Webster’s Unabridged has failed me. I admit defeat. Japan 3. America 2.
My girlfriend is equally appalled.
Her: Wha? Why? Why? Why? Why is this happening? Is he gay?
Me: No, that wouldn’t make any sense! I mean, that’d be like if you were a lesbian and you asked me to strap on a vagina.
Her: That doesn’t make any sense either!
Me: And it’s all this porn’s fault.
I’m never looking at that student the same way again.
My friend is shocked and awed at the horror of this kancho gone horribly wrong, of course, but he also points out something I hadn’t realized – “You mean to tell me you followed your junior high school student’s advice on porn and it led you to some old dude getting backdoor fucked by a Japanese girl with a strap-on?” Well, I guess when you put it *that* way.
Anyway, his story:
He was teaching at an elementary school (something I, sadly, never get to do). He was with gonensei, which just means “5th years”. It’s the grade before they become ichinensei in junior high, so they’re about 10 years old. It was fourth period, before lunch. The teacher had given the students the opportunity to ask my friend some questions. One student asked the almost required “do you have a girlfriend?” “No comment” my friend says. It’s pretty wise to keep your love life (or lack thereof) on the down low in Japan, especially in rural, small town areas, as it WILL become the hot topic of the gossip mill. I speak from experience.
“He didn’t answer!” The Japanese teacher exclaims. “When someone doesn’t answer a question, it usually means ‘yes’ but they don’t wanna say!” My friend wonders why the teacher is egging the students on, but it’s not that weird, yet. But then one student asks “Do you watch porn?” “I’m DEFINITELY not answering that one.” My friend says. “Uh-oh, he didn’t answer!” The teacher pipes up again. “You all know what THAT means!” Okay, NOW it’s weird.
The class ends and they head into lunch. At elementary schools, the students get an hour and a half for lunch, which is quite different from the 15 minutes we get in junior high. Fifteen minutes may not seem like much, and it isn’t, but these kids vacuum-inhale their lunches, so it’s actually more than enough time. Anyway, everyone had finished eating, but then apparently the teacher had to run off and take care of some business. “You stay here with the kids,” the Japanese teacher tells my friend. “Here’s a deck of cards. Why don’t you play poker?” He even gives them some poker chips with which to play. Okay, now it’s REALLY weird. What teacher leaves his class of ten year olds with the foreign teacher, and tells them to play poker of all things?
Anyway, so there my friend is playing poker with a group of 10-year old Japanese boys. As it was inevitably bound to happen, especially when dealing with a group of Japanese boys (age doesn’t seem to matter much), the conversation started getting perverse. They pointed out one boy. “Yeah, his dad has some “special pictures” hidden away. But he knows where they are. And when his parents aren’t around he goes to look at them. And you KNOW what he does then!” This then lead to all the other boys talking about their masturbation habits – when was the best times, and what kind of jerkin material they like the best.
My friend is of course shocked, but I’m shocked as well. I mean, I guess 10 years old isn’t *too* far of a stretch for little boys to have discovered the Road to the Pot of Gold, but I certainly remember not being so damned open about it. In fact, we went through a long period of staunchly denying that shit. Even as far as high school, we’d be like.
Girl: So, you masturbate, right?
Guy: Me? Nuh-uh, no, not me.
Girl: But isn’t it like, statistically, 99% of all men do?
Guy: Well, I’m in that 1%.
Afterwards, my friend and I were having a debate over who had it worse so to speak – the English teacher who followed the porn advice of his 15 year old student only to find some old geezer getting slammed in the ass by a Japanese girl with a strap-on (and a horrible tit job), or the English teacher who had to play poker with his 10-year old boys and is now familiar with their masturbation habits.
We both decided we needed more beer.


20 Responses

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  1. Boris said, on January 3, 2007 at 12:52 am

    Wow, I am now afraid of ever going to Japan.

  2. ZylitoL said, on January 3, 2007 at 1:48 am

    Ahh, very nice.
    Az, you might want to consider the fact that your reviews of The Worst Porn Ever, and Street Fucker are not on GaijinSmash. So people who are new to this stuff won’t get the reference. You might want to post them up here?
    Keep ’em coming. You’re truly the greatest.

  3. Frogger said, on January 3, 2007 at 6:16 am

    I went through the whole archive in a couple of days, good read indeed.
    Why are you so frugal with the pictures though? Think i only saw four here. I understand you don’t want to expose the people involved, but there must be some stuff you could post to spice things up.
    Onsen adventures excluded.

  4. Brad said, on January 3, 2007 at 6:21 am

    Next to the porn you’ve described here and on O9, cookie-cutter harem anime seems like high culture.

  5. Mad Fox said, on January 3, 2007 at 6:44 am

    You’ve turned me off japanese porn forever.

  6. Ginner Ben said, on January 3, 2007 at 6:53 am

    For those who are curious as to what Az refers:
    Read in order, Street Fucker is the sequel to Lolita Confinement Lesbian (Editorials, not actual films)

  7. Old School said, on January 3, 2007 at 4:16 pm

    So the Japanese kids don’t get the puberty video? They just shove them off to the video stores to fend for themselves in the back room?

  8. Shinkada said, on January 3, 2007 at 8:44 pm

    Careful – If Japan gets even one more point, you’ll be unwittingly making a Freddy Got Fingered quote.

  9. Tyra said, on January 4, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    ah Japan.

  10. AutumnFire said, on January 5, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    Imagine my…surprise…when on I see advertised “Bend Over Boyfriend” a porn dvd of women giving it to their guys! Even better, there’s a sequel out.
    So maybe Japan isn’t the only one doing this.

  11. Anonymous said, on January 5, 2007 at 6:26 pm

    yeah, google strap on femdom. It’s stil weird, but its a weirdness that is by no means exclusive to Japan.

  12. Anonymous said, on January 5, 2007 at 6:26 pm

    yeah, google strap on femdom. It’s stil weird, but its a weirdness that is by no means exclusive to Japan.

  13. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 5, 2007 at 6:34 pm

    [Starts deleting Japanese porn from computer.]

  14. Kosetsu said, on January 8, 2007 at 3:28 pm

    Yyyeah. Japanese pr0n is really bad. But if any good has come out of it, it is that in your watching it over a year ago, thousands upon thousands of young Americans are laughing at your expense.
    Oh, and dialogue between you and your girlfriend (are you still with her?) for t3h win. Because it really was that porn’s fault.
    …It kinda makes you wonder how many of your students actually fantasize about that sort of thing, huh?

  15. A-Kun said, on January 12, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    Uso! You’ve got to be kidding me…
    Monburan’s breasts look totally natural compared to Jenna Jameson and half of all the American AV starletts…
    (not that I like Monburan… dai kirai!
    i’ll take rin suzuka and nao ozawa anyday)

  16. anamorphosis said, on January 14, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    I was recently pointed in the direction of this website that features a review of a Japanese porn film that may turn the most hardened pervert off from wanting to have sex anymore….ever. It’s really disturbing. It features such hair raising and disturbing combinations as eel enimas, outer space school girls, fake suicides, and scat type things that I won’t go into at all because just typing it will make me feel ill. Actually, I feel ill just imagining typing it.
    It’s on a website called “populationpaste” and that is as far as I am willing to lead anyone to that particular portal of hell.

  17. Corey said, on March 9, 2007 at 10:11 pm

    DEAR GOD!!! I can’t even TRY to fathom how disturbing, uncomfortable and how awkward that HAD to be… *shudders*

  18. Bob said, on November 24, 2007 at 12:22 am

    Actually,what you saw in that porn is something called “pegging,” which, believe it or not, is prettyu common. Especially in America.

  19. Saknika said, on March 3, 2008 at 3:08 am

    You and your elementary JET friend need to go watch the anime Ghost Stories. Everything in there correlates beautifully with your entries. Too funny. You will laugh.

  20. archie said, on April 12, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    This site is quality. keep up the good work mate and dont let the bastards grind you down!

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