Gaijin Smash

The Three Stooges

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 18, 2006

The Ghetto School has many problems. It would be hard to isolate just one. But I’m going to focus on the one that’s currently bothering me at this very minute.
There are three ninensei girls who I have dubbed “The Three Stooges.” To put it bluntly, they suck. They stopped going to class, so now they just roam the hallways, and hang out in the teachers’ room and be loud and generally annoying. I can’t call them the worst students, but since they’re so hard to get away from they are the most annoying.
And now, a quick rundown of the Stooges:
Moe – This girl is the ring-leader, by far. I think it was her influence that made the other two as bad as they are now. As an ichinensei, she never did her work – just sat in the back of the room, glared at the teacher for 50 minutes, and in general copped a bad attitude. Now we’d be lucky to get her into a classroom at all. While she doesn’t necessarily have the real Moe’s violent disposition, she is a Wheelchair Girl-caliber Nasty Bitch. Seriously, all she needs is a wheelchair and a taser to complete that transformation.
Super Power – This girl is simply the loudest creature to have ever existed in the history of the universe. Every time she laughs, my ears bleed. I think I’m only hearing half of her actual laugh though, the latter half is probably only audible to dogs. She even puts Noisy Fucker to shame. Yes, it’s that bad. The next time I want to talk to my parents back in the states, I think I’m just gonna have her stand on a coast and shout my message across the Pacific.
Larry – She’s probably the least annoying of the three. As a ichinensei, she was rambunctious, but never that bad. At least, not before she became friends with Moe. I get the feeling she would have been okay if it hadn’t been for the company she runs with. Sad.
Super Power – Has the ability to get out of anything/everything by simply saying “darui!” (tired/sluggish). The teachers sometimes get her into a class, and she lasts approximately 2.47 seconds before saying “darui!” and escaping to the nurse’s station in the teachers’ room. She doesn’t take any tests either.
Of the three, I feel her abilities are the most useful. Man, I wish I could have gotten out of class/tests so easily when I was in school. It’s a power that would even be of great use now.


Principal: Ok everyone, I know it was a long weekend, but it’s time to put our noses to the grindstone and work hard!
Me: Darui. (goes to the beach)
Girlfriend: Hey baby, turn off the TV. We have to have “a talk”
Me: DARUI! (goes to play video games with the guys)
It’s like a “Get Out of Jail For Free” card. Goodness knows we could all use one of those.
Curly – You all knew her as Breasts Girl. Like Larry, except for space and time-warping “BREASTS!” attacks she was never that bad, however since hooking up with Moe and subsequently Larry she’s become a lost cause.
Super Power – Since becoming a Stooge, she’s lost her teleporting abilities. Now, she just hits people. Boys in particular. No rhyme or reason to it, she’ll just smack the nearest person with a penis whenever she feels like it. I’ve seen her walk down rows in the classroom (the few times she’s in one) and just whack every boy sitting in a row. The boys don’t retaliate because they’re afraid of her. She’s tall and lanky, and taller than most of the boys in the class, sure. But I think it’s more of a fear of the team than the individual. They could counter-attack, but then they’d have to deal with Moe on point screaming their eardrums out of existence, and then Larry on anchor to “darui!” the Stooges out of any possible consequences. It’s a good thing Curly lost her teleporting abilities, I don’t want to imagine a world where she could just warp in and out of places and smack boys whenever she felt like it. That’s almost Jack Bauer-broken.
Incidentally, she still doesn’t have any breasts. For the record.
But Az, you say, aren’t you being a bit harsh? They’re just kids, after all. But you know what, somebody has to be harsh with them. These kids have gotten bad partly because the teachers don’t do anything about it. Japanese middle schools don’t have much in the way of discipline options, true, but it’s like the Ghetto School teachers don’t even try. The Stooges will come into the teachers’ room at lunch, pull up the teachers chairs, and talk loudly while eating their lunches. This, of course, is a big no-no. But the teachers will just joke around with them, maybe occasionally say “you guys are too noisy” or something like that, but nothing further. Compare this to my other two schools, where if the toes of a student crossed the threshold of the teachers room, there’d be no less than 7 teachers descending down upon them with lightsabers and shit screaming “GET OUT! GET OUT! NO FURTHER! THOU SHALT NOT PASS!”
It may not be the teachers’ fault though. I talked with one of my teachers about it once (the one who made the remark about the little monsters never getting sick) and she said they wanted to discipline the kids, but they just couldn’t. They might tell the parents, but then the parents would immediately shift the blame onto the other kids, or the teachers themselves, which actually not doing anything about their own bastard kid. Some of the parents just didn’t care, and after seeing some 40-50 year old mothers come to the school with brightly dyed hair all frilled and puffed up, tight little t-shirts, and a hideous mini-skirt, that’s not that difficult to believe. These women make crack whores back home look like soccer moms, and every time I see one. a solitary tear runs down my cheek, like the Native American on the side of the road watching his native land get littered with pollution.
She also said that sometimes these are the kids of politicians / wealthy and influential businessmen in the city. Sure, you could come down on the bastard kid, but then the school suddenly loses it’s funding for the computer classroom next year. She also hinted that some of these kids may be the sons/daughters of yakuza. “Sometimes we have parent/teacher conferences” she said, “and the father looks like quite a, hmm serious individual.” Here, she held up a four-fingered hand (with her pinky tucked in) and gave me a shifty look.
This conversation did take place two years ago though, and that teacher doesn’t even work there anymore, so I don’t know how much of it is true now.
The “Ghetto School” isn’t just some cute nickname I made up. It really is bad. Actually, according to the rumor mill, The Ghetto School is one of, if not the worst school in all of Kyoto Prefecture. Sweet.
Of course, there is also the possibility that the Ghetto School teachers love every minute of it. The Japanese seem to thrive on suffering as much as humanly possible. Put on your bravest face and say “Ganbarimasu!” and suffer splendidly. In this case, the teachers at the Ghetto School are more Japanese than anybody. Sure, other teachers can get on that 8PM train back home and say “I’m tired,” but they can’t say their students liberally kicked/punched them, spent the whole class period listening to rap music in the back of the class, and told them to “fuck off” in English when they were politely asked to maybe please do their homework.
We keep spendin’ most our lives, living in the Ghetto Paradise.

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14 Responses

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  1. SP said, on January 1, 2007 at 8:29 am

    Do they listen to Japanese rap or american rap? If its american rap, do they actually understand what the rappers are saying in the songs?

  2. Gennai said, on January 1, 2007 at 8:49 am

    Yo Az, Happy New Years! Great article, read it last year tho but still funny. Keep ’em coming, L8r.

  3. Legogris said, on January 1, 2007 at 9:50 am

    Nice article, I enjoyed it 🙂
    I have to ask, is there a word that works like “Durai” in English? I’ve always thought the lack of it is a flaw in the English language. In Swedish there is the word “Orka”(~”I don’t have the energy/I’m too lazy to do it”). Works in the same splendid way to get you out of doing boring and/or tedious stuff.

  4. Goatboy said, on January 1, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Happy New Year!
    Great article, but I think the tazer-wheelchair comment will not strike home to those that haven’t read the “Worst Porn Ever” editorial. Perhaps you should add a link?

  5. Anthony said, on January 1, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    “she’ll just smack the nearest person with a penis whenever she feels like it.”
    Take a good look at this sentence and see if you can’t pick out the slight (and hilarious) flaw.

  6. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 1, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    Happy New Year, az!
    “We keep spendin’ most our lives, living in the Ghetto Paradise.”
    Nice Coolio reference there (talk about one-hit wonders ^^)
    And speaking of New Years, where are the “1 million+ people coming to see the ball drop” places in Japan?

  7. Driver Driverson said, on January 2, 2007 at 12:27 am

    Bomber baby… that was a Stevie Wonder reference, Coolio would have read “Gangster’s Paradise”

  8. Gabe said, on January 2, 2007 at 3:19 am

    The prpblem, Az, is that you are broken by the Japanese (read: “messed up”) way they do things there. You came into the country as a sane individual and are now transformed. You are numb to Japan so you would rather not do the one thing, the one superpower that all American Men have. We all know what it is, the yell of 1000 truths. I am sure you have heard it before. The yell that has a tinge of pain? It is like getting slapped with a voice. I used it in my homestay in Japan to put a stop to my own Kancho story before it started. There is nothing that can block it. Use it on The girl formerly known as Breasts Girl and you will see the trio fall. She will be the weak link in the group. Good luck and remember to use the Force of the Gaijin Smash to win the day!

  9. Mr. Bomberman said, on January 2, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    Oh, shit! My fault!

  10. adffggjhkl said, on January 17, 2007 at 12:50 am

    the “indian” with the tear was actualy italian-american, his parents off-the-boat if i remember correctly

  11. Zuuk said, on April 6, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    I feel your pain. I thought I had it bad back in the states, and I visit thailand. Their bad schools often have the teachers / other students getting the shit kicked out of them by bullies. You never know who might have a razor, or nunchaku, or something equivilent with them. But still, you’ve got a pretty crappy situation there. Everything is telling you to shape those kids the fuck up, and yet you can’t. It’s a shame.

  12. Xin said, on July 29, 2007 at 10:28 am

    “Boys in particular. No rhyme or reason to it, she’ll just smack the nearest person with a penis whenever she feels like it.”
    That’s bad English, Az! I read that three times before I realised she wasn’t smacking random people with a penis she carried around.

  13. L'il Phoenix said, on October 22, 2007 at 1:04 am

    Back when one of my friends was annoying/immature/going through a lot, she used to randomly punch guys because she knew they wouldn’t hit back because she’s a cute girl. I really hated her back then…
    Anyway, I can’t believe there isn’t any discipline in these schools?! Come ON. It’s nice to hear about the conformist Japanese sticking it to the man but DO IT IN A MORE COOL/EFFECTIVE WAY than copying mtv!!!
    Bring back holding water in the hall maybe?
    WHERE THE FUCK IS GTO WHEN YOU NEED HIM DAMMIT?!

  14. Cameron said, on August 8, 2008 at 9:09 am

    You really need at least one ‘take no shit’ type around these kids, someone who will lay the smack down quick and efficient and decisive, someone the kids will tiptoe around or wet themselves if they accidentally step too heavy. If you don’t want to be the one to do it, I’d understand; some people who are best at it don’t want to be the one. But it also has to be someone who isn’t intimidated with parents, individual or organized, so maybe one of those Japanese grannies would be perfect for the job.
    What blows my mind is how they just walk into the teachers lounge. Just walk right in and make themselves at home! In any school I’ve ever been to, walking in without permission was taboo, and getting an invitation was to be dreaded. Of course this made it more meaningful in my senior year when I was welcome there on a regular basis, to sip coffee and chat with the faculty, department heads and principle…other students looked at me with awe and would’ve been even more shocked if they knew I was presenting my own curriculum for department approval, and often got it.


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