Gaijin Smash

Coffee With Coke Addict

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on January 31, 2006

I met up with Coke Addict again. I hadn’t seen her in a long time, but she contacted me.
Not long after the last time I saw her, she actually ended up dating one of my good friends. This is a long story I’m not gonna get into. He assured me that she was much less coke addict-y once you got to know her better. I took his word for it, but aside from his conversations about her I didn’t have much else to base my impressions of her on. Many months later, my friend left Japan. Coke Addict contacted me hoping to meet with me, to get my advice about my friend, and on some other stuff as well. Since she was a buddy’s girlfriend, I met with her – his testimony was accurate, she is much more normal once you get to know her better.
The nickname still stays though.
We were eating at Wendy’s in Kyoto and somehow the topic of conversation got on what kind of girl I like. Then, somehow, it came down to what kind of fingernails I like on a girl. I told her that I didn’t like long, decorated nails – regular was fine.
Coke Addict: Ah, so you don’t like long nails … it’s like a whore’s fingernails, right?
Me: Well, I guess you could say that.
CA: So, you don’t like whores.
Me: Not particularly.
CA: But, (my friend/Coke Addict’s boyfriend) said your last girlfriend was quite the whore.
Me: Yep. She was a raging whore alright.
CA: But you dated her.
Me: Yeah, my mistake.
CA: So you DO like whores!
Me: Wha? I was just oblivious to her unchained whoreness, it doesn’t mean.
CA: (now smiling to herself) You like whores.
Later, we ran into a buddy of mine, and he tagged along for the night. Hours later we were in a bar, and I was talking to my friend. I caught her staring at me – I literally stopped in mid-sentence with my friend to ask her what was up. Smiling again, she just said “You like whores.” Hours later. So yeah, the nickname stays.
And no, I don’t like whores. Not particularly, anyway.
Anyway, we didn’t get to talk much that day, so I met with her again at a Starbucks. This time, we were able to talk. And, my alleged affinity for female prostitutes only came up once. After we talked, she drove me to the most convenient train station for me to get home. On the way, she hit me with something NOBODY likes to get hit with. She turned to me almost randomly (much of what she does is almost random) and said, “So, your friend says you think I’m weird.”


I hate moments like this, because you said it, they know you said it, there’s no weaseling your way out of it. It’s also disconcerting to see the “Bros Before Hoes” rule fail. I guess it just takes a little Japanese tail to get a man talking. That’s good to know, for the future.
Since I couldn’t weasel out of it, I owned up to it. I explained why I’d thought so – telling her about when we’d met way back when, the dog peeing on her (distant cousin of R.Kelly?), the political documentary, and the obsession with George W. Bush’s similarities to a monkey. Oh, did I forget to mention that the last time? Much of Coke Addict’s rant about GW back then was how he reminded her of a little monkey. “When you see him talk, doesn’t it just remind you of a monkey? The way he talks, and the way he moves his little monkey arms? He should be somewhere picking bugs out of his hair, not leading America and starting wars.” Somehow, Coke Addict didn’t remember it.
CA: Really, that happened?
Me: Yes, I remember it clearly. I tried to change the subject several times, but you were just fixated on GW’s monkey-like qualities.
CA: But, he really is like a little monkey.
Me: Yes, I understand that. But, at that time, no matter how much I wanted to talk about something else, you were stuck on GW being a monkey.
CA: I did that?
Me: Yep.
CA: Wow, that is weird.
Thank you. A little vindication, that’s all I ask for.
CA: It’s okay though, I like being weird.
Me: Well, you are doing a magnificent job at it.
CA: Thank you very much.
Me: Your welcome?
I meet some of the most interesting people.

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19 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on December 25, 2006 at 12:37 am

    Japan sure is funny.

  2. Anonymous said, on December 25, 2006 at 12:37 am

    Japan sure is funny.

  3. Tyler said, on December 25, 2006 at 12:43 am

    They have coke in Japan??
    Merry Christmas btw

  4. J-hoosier said, on December 25, 2006 at 1:09 am

    So what’s ‘whore’ in Japanese? Man, I’m going to the wrong language lessons…

  5. Vanessa said, on December 25, 2006 at 2:46 am

    Heh, well, at least she didn’t get all pissy at you or anything. She seems to be a relatively undestanding person once you get passed the George Bush monkey thing.

  6. Ives said, on December 25, 2006 at 4:20 am

    Another great article!
    Perhaps she is alot weirder than you give her credit for if she suffers from amnesia aswell.
    Merry Xmas.

  7. Mr. Bomberman said, on December 25, 2006 at 6:25 pm

    “I meet some of the most interesting people.”
    You damn skippy.
    Oh, I hope you have a merry christmas.
    I’m not.

  8. Patrick said, on December 25, 2006 at 10:39 pm

    “They have coke in Japan??”
    Yes. And it’s much better coke than you can get in the US. I think it’s in the water.

  9. Jono said, on December 26, 2006 at 3:23 am

    Heh heh, ran into your blog via cooomplete serendipity, and thoroughly enjoyed this post. Liking how there’re still literate, articulate, well travelled people lurking the web. Keep up the good work.

  10. Richard said, on December 27, 2006 at 5:56 am

    Whore in Japanese is “joro”
    which is also a prostitute..

  11. Kevin said, on December 27, 2006 at 3:28 pm

    You should learn something Az. There is a saying here in Barbados about stuff like that. It goes “When 20 toes get into a bed, nothing is secret”. Never tell a man anything about his woman or vice versa that you would not tell them to their face. Especially when they are not doing so well. When they get back together and everything is fine, all of what you said will be related to the other person. Do what I do (and I learned this first hand) , I ain’t see, I ain’t hear, I ain’t know. Can’t go wrong, bro!

  12. luke said, on December 27, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    where’s the original coke head article?

  13. amani said, on December 28, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    yariman is japanese for whore

  14. Anonymous said, on February 19, 2007 at 1:02 am

    “They have coke in Japan??”
    God help me I laughed more at that than I did at most of the articles here.
    …Though I have read them before, so eh. I’m just doing a recap so I can read the newish articles.

  15. Anonymous said, on February 19, 2007 at 1:02 am

    “They have coke in Japan??”
    God help me I laughed more at that than I did at most of the articles here.
    …Though I have read them before, so eh. I’m just doing a recap so I can read the newish articles.

  16. Distance said, on March 22, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    Baita:Whore
    Joro: Slut

  17. Olga said, on April 11, 2007 at 8:25 am

    I think it’s great when I come a little closer to people against whom I was prejudiced in any way and find that there is much more on this book than its cover. You learn important lessons that way and you see things with a different perspective.
    By the way, can anyone remind me what previous article referred to the Coke Addict? It’s been a lot of time I’ve read the previous ones and I want to read it again because I don’t remember her.

  18. wrg said, on April 21, 2007 at 2:13 am

    See “Az Fails at Dating” for the interesting failure mode with “Coke Addict” alluded to here.

  19. Jonadab the Unsightly One said, on November 8, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    > They have coke in Japan?
    I’m pretty sure they have Coke in every country on the planet. It’s one of the most international consumer products in existence. Heck, in rural Africa people base informal exchange-rate calculations on the price of Coke.


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