Gaijin Smash

Here Comes Santa Azrael

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on December 28, 2005

The week of Christmas at the School of Peace, I was to give a talk about Christmas to the ninensei. I’d tried this last year, and talked about the birth of Jesus Christ and the three wisemen and what not (and I’m not even that religious!), and I was greeted by thirty blank faces. Maybe it would have gone over better if I’d said that later Jesus becomes a zombie? Anyway, learning from my mistakes, this year I decided to just talk about Santa Claus. Although the Santa image exists in Japan, it isn’t really prevalent, nor do they really know the dynamics of how it all works.
The English teacher had never heard the full story about Santa either. She found it interesting, and relayed it to her two kids, two elementary school girls, back at her home. The next day, she got a letter from her eldest daughter, to be passed along to Santa. The teacher found it interesting enough to share with her classes. It went a little something like this.
“Dear Santa,
I would like a tamagotchi (virtual pet). Many of the kids in my school have one, so I think I’d like one too. I guess you have to take care of it all the time, so a neck strap would also be pretty convenient. It would also be great if you could include the instruction manual, since I’ve never owned one before. They come in many different colors. I don’t have a particular preference, so I’ll leave that up to you. Well, that’s about it, but I do have one concern.”
And this was written on the back of the letter.
“In our house, we have a security system. So when you come, if you could please push ********* (she’d actually written the security code on the letter). This will let you come to our house without getting arrested. When you leave, if you could please push the “Going Out” button to reactivate the system, we would appreciate that.”


Anyway, on the last day I was to do my Santa talk, I decided to go ahead and wear my Santa suit. Yes, I do have a Santa suit. After all, there’s really only one time of the year when I can (justifiably) use it. I got a rise out of the kids, which is what I was aiming for. This class included Ultimate Sweetness, and as usual, during my talk she sat perfectly upright in her seat at the front of the class, hands folded across her desk as she paid 100%! attention. Actually, make that 110%!, as Sweetness still believes in Santa Claus. “Santa Claus has a big bag in which he carries presents for everyone” I explain. A look of realization spreads across her face, as you can actually see her thinking “Ah, so THAT’S how he does it!” Seriously, you can’t even look at this, it’s too disgustingly heart-warming.
Wanting to get more mileage out of the Santa suit, after the class I just wandered around the school still wearing it. Most kids ran up to me and said “presents please!” I told them to wait until Christmas Day, Ho Ho Ho. Santa Azrael isn’t made of money, nor does he have a magical bag in which he can pull anything out of (but not for the lack of trying). As I was making my rounds amidst the sannensei, I saw one boy come barreling out of his classroom, he bolted down the sannensei hall, then turned the corner into the hallway I was standing in. Still running at a sprint, when he came upon my position, he jump-kicked me. Yes, that’s right folks, Santa Claus got jump-kicked by a 15-year old Japanese boy.
Who the fuck jump-kicks Santa? Most people are usually pretty happy to see him I imagine. Even the little girl who caught Mommy Kissing Santa Claus wasn’t that upset, just mildly amused. She sure as hell didn’t Mortal Kombat him. If this doesn’t get you on the naughty list, I dunno what will. I’m still trying to ponder the ramifications of being Liu Kang’ed while wearing a Santa suit. It just doesn’t compute. And my doctor wonders why my collarbone isn’t healing that quickly. “Occupational hazards” I said. Unfortunately for me, my “occupational hazards” include getting finger-molested, and now apparently, getting jump-kicked while wearing a Santa suit. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go for the reindeer suit. God only knows what would’ve happened to me then. A shoryuken, perhaps?
Hope everyone has a Merry, non-jump-kicking Santa Claus Christmas.

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34 Responses

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  1. Zooey said, on December 11, 2006 at 4:51 am

    Aw, hell, Az! It’s not like you’re Billy Bob Thornton, y’know! I can’t see you as a “Bad Santa”! I suggest you listen to Weird Al’s song “The Night Santa Went Crazy”… it’ll give you a laugh, or really good advice (or both)!

  2. lubyloo said, on December 11, 2006 at 8:58 am

    merry christmas! 🙂
    i’m still bemused that these stories don’t actually put me off. it must be kids like ultimate sweetness & moeko that make everything seem worthwhile.

  3. Indoolio said, on December 11, 2006 at 9:33 am

    Haha, you know, I remember reading this post last year. It’s one of my favorites. There’s some sort of super comedic value in the line “Yes, that’s right folks, Santa Claus got jump-kicked by a 15-year old Japanese boy.”

  4. Anonymous said, on December 11, 2006 at 9:56 am

    Your too much.

  5. Anonymous said, on December 11, 2006 at 9:56 am

    Your too much.

  6. Luke said, on December 11, 2006 at 10:18 am

    Ever hear of the song “Santa’s coming and he’s gonna kick your ass” by the Arrogant Worms? I suggest you play that song to him and translate the words.

  7. Usagi Yojimbo said, on December 11, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Before you ask a Shoryuken is a “ninja” Throwing star but hey In my opinion I would shove a holly jolly candy cane up that kids ass!.
    (Az’s Note: “Shoryuken” is the rising dragon punch from the Street Fighter franchise.)

  8. NamaeX said, on December 11, 2006 at 11:02 am

    Hmm… perhaps showing them “The Santa Clause” is in order.

  9. Lauren said, on December 11, 2006 at 2:02 pm

    Out of curiosity, what do your students call you? In the Japanese class I’m taking, alot of the students are Asian and can’t pronounce my name properly, so they’ve started calling me ろえちゃん after the fish eggs, because they figure it’s close enough to ‘Lauren’. We also have ももくん and a はなちゃん.

  10. chaosrainz said, on December 11, 2006 at 3:11 pm

    If you can get your hands on a copy of this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104880/
    It’s about 10 years old or so and of course it’s in english, but it’s a movie about settlers explaining the meaning of Christmas to Indians, kind of in their terms. It’s actually pretty good.
    It might come in handy if you ever want to try and explain Christmas to them again.

  11. Anonymous said, on December 11, 2006 at 3:57 pm

    Usagi, a ninja throwing star is a “shuriken”. Give that kid a chunk of coal for Christmas Az.

  12. Anonymous said, on December 11, 2006 at 3:57 pm

    Usagi, a ninja throwing star is a “shuriken”. Give that kid a chunk of coal for Christmas Az.

  13. xercess said, on December 11, 2006 at 4:41 pm

    Lauren, I’d suggest you have them call you Lorry, LaLa, or Toby.

  14. Kenjii said, on December 11, 2006 at 7:08 pm

    Did someone go to that kid’s house to give that virtual pet thing? It’d be pretty funny if the fake Santa got caught and was arrested for intruding.

  15. Gabe said, on December 11, 2006 at 7:09 pm

    Santa was comming,
    and all through the school,
    all the children were waiting,
    to bash in his jewels.
    They yougest heard him comming,
    from way down the hall,
    so he sprang up to greet him,
    with a kick to the balls.
    THe kid jumpped in the air,
    with no though or pause,
    and landed his foot,
    into the gut of Az the Santa Claus.

  16. tdomega said, on December 11, 2006 at 10:57 pm

    Next time he might try to Kamen Rider your butt. lol j/k

  17. Anonymous said, on December 12, 2006 at 12:13 am

    It’s strange, my partner ALT is named Lauren and the students have no problem saying her name. (In ‘Katakana English’ of course…ロ-レン). Unless you like to pronounce it differently.

  18. Anonymous said, on December 12, 2006 at 12:13 am

    It’s strange, my partner ALT is named Lauren and the students have no problem saying her name. (In ‘Katakana English’ of course…ロ-レン). Unless you like to pronounce it differently.

  19. NamaeX said, on December 12, 2006 at 3:22 am

    xercess, you’re telling her to get them to call her “rori”, as in “rorikon”, as in lolita complex.

  20. Matt Metford said, on December 12, 2006 at 3:59 am

    Yeah, I tried explaining the religious aspect of Christmas to some ninensei at the mountain school. They could not understand it, even when I put “CHRIST” “CHRISTIAN” “CHRISTMAS” up on the board and underlined “CHRIST” in each one. I’m not a religious guy either, so my grasp of the whole thing is pretty elementary to begin with. Trying to explain what a manger is was a challenge, too.
    What was funnier than that was telling elementary school kids about Santa’s magic flying reindeer. Blew their minds. You wouldn’t think something so mundane as flying reindeer would faze a kid who watches anime about robot cats frome the future and sentient oden, but somehow it did.

  21. Tower said, on December 12, 2006 at 6:53 am

    SOuinds like he has been listening to Kevin ‘Bloody” Wilson Azrael.
    Maybe he made a request and didn’t get it?
    Not work safe and frequent coarse language
    http://www.lyricsdownload.com/kevin-bloody-wilson-christmas-song-lyrics.html

  22. patrick said, on December 13, 2006 at 9:12 am

    If Santa Claus and St. Nicholas are one and the same, I’d guess I’d hate to jump-kick him since he might pull that ‘punch-the-heretic-in-the-nose’ technique he did once that will land me to the 10th Circle of Hell..

  23. Lauren said, on December 13, 2006 at 10:40 am

    Yes, you can translate my name into kakatana, but it still turns out horribly garbled, and as someone puts it, makes it sound more like rorikon.
    I find it kinda cute in a way. : D Hey, whatever they want to call me, I’m fine with. Except for maybe ‘Dirty Bitch’

  24. Anonymous said, on December 13, 2006 at 4:24 pm

    I fear to think what they would call me. Theres alot of Ls in my name and im a real bastard so they would likely just give up and resort to something ugly. And then i would be forced to dress up as santa and drop kick the whole class Hulk Hogan style.

  25. Anonymous said, on December 13, 2006 at 4:24 pm

    I fear to think what they would call me. Theres alot of Ls in my name and im a real bastard so they would likely just give up and resort to something ugly. And then i would be forced to dress up as santa and drop kick the whole class Hulk Hogan style.

  26. evil_tennyo said, on December 14, 2006 at 11:47 pm

    LMAO omg…. too funny XD what was that kid thinking?!?

  27. Random Gaijin said, on December 25, 2006 at 9:16 pm

    Damn what the fuck was that kid thinking?! That is funny! Who the hell would even think of jump-kicking a dude in a Santa suit?!

  28. Runs With Scissors said, on January 2, 2007 at 10:16 pm

    *siiigh* I hope you at least got a funny nickname out of that kid… by the way, do you even know who he is or did he run off before you could see?

  29. Stray cat! said, on January 18, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    That kid’s letter is the most adorable thing ever.

  30. A-Alas said, on February 26, 2007 at 5:12 am

    I just have to point out, as a Finnish person, that I hope you told the kids that Santa Claus indeed does not live on to North Pole, but in Finland. He lives on this… What would you call it… A large hill, or something. Not quite sure. Oh well, dictionary says it’s an “arctic hill.” Hope that explains (no it doesn’t…)
    Oh well, anyways, Santa’s arctic hill is named “Korvatunturi”, which consists of two words, “korva” which means “ear” and “tunturi” which means “arctic hill”. Earctic Hill it is, then.
    Oh well, that’s for your information Azrael, I hope you take this as the truth, for it is. Your parents have been lying to you all along. Santa lives in Finland.

  31. Olga said, on April 4, 2007 at 9:03 am

    Can anyone tell me what a “shoryuken” is? I just got curious.

  32. Ceri Cat said, on September 26, 2007 at 7:07 pm

    Silly lad was thinking of shuriken. I got the reference Az, though I never really played the Street Fighter series personally. How you get Shu from Sho is an interesting idea though. Or ri from ryu… Obviously not everyone here is that familiar with the spoken language but those are definitely different sounding syllables.

  33. Romanticide said, on November 3, 2008 at 12:27 am

    As far as I know anyone wearing a big costume has high risk of being kicked, mascots, cosplayers, furries, no exceptions, considering those kids barely know who santa is… well is not as sacred for them as it is for people here… and even at this side of the pacific you get the ocassional evil teen.

  34. Carmen said, on May 15, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Maybe next time you should have sang “Santa Claus is coming to town” in future, just so that you can inform any potential jump-kickers that “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good, FOR YOUR SAKE.”


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