Gaijin Smash

Fooooo

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on November 12, 2005

Probably the most popular act in Japan right now is a guy who calls himself “Razor Ramon Hard Gay”. He wears studded black leather and goes around saying stuff like “Hard Gay Power! Fooooooo!” and dry humping as many random people and objects as he possibly can. And no, I’m not making this up.
Yes folks, this is what passes for “entertainment” in this country.
I’m not going to be too hard on Hard Gay though (no pun intended), as he’s actually funny, unlike the other untrained monkeys they throw on TV to take endless stupid quizzes and eat endless dish after dish, while making the same “It’s delicious!” face over and over again. I really hate Japanese TV. The only upside is that Kiefer Southerland has done some 24-themed commercials, so occasionally we get to see Jack Bauer own the hell out of random Japanese women.
Anyway, Hard Gay is loved by many in Japan, adults and children alike. Wait, what? Kids? Yessiree Bob, kids follow the Hard Gay phenomenon as well. Although my kids haven’t been prone to anything other that a few random “Fooooooo!”‘s here and there, some of my friends who work in elementary schools tell me that it is not at all uncommon to see a little kid run down the hallway screaming “Foooooooo!”, or to catch a little boy or girl dry humping the ever-loving bejeezus out of something.


You see Japan, this is EXACTLY what’s wrong with your country.
And yes, Japan is fucked up, don’t give me that “it’s so nice they’re comfortable with their sexuality” shit, it’s fucked up. Hard Gay has been known to visit elementary schools in person. I saw one show where he went with some other untrained monkey, who was wearing similar clothes as him (Hard Gay in Training? Stiff Gay?). They were eating lunch with the kids, and Junior Gay pissed this one little girl off by stealing her food. She started to cry and to make her feel better, Hard Gay went over and softly humped her shoulder. The little girl got up and started hitting the other guy over the head, so then Hard Gay “got in line” and bent over so he could get his ass smacked. I want to stress that here in Japan, this is perfectly acceptable. Funny even. Back in America? Lawyers’ heads would explode from the magnitude of the JOYGASM they’d get over the sheer amount of lawsuits they could possibly file against a guy wearing black leather and asking school kids to spank his naughty ass.
I like to think I’m a laid back guy, easy going, not at all uptight and with no stick up my ass. Growing up around San Francisco will do wonders for your “Meh, do whatever” attitude. So I’d like to think I’m not a prude, but no matter how you slice it, I just can’t get aboard the “men dressed up like Village People rejects dry humping the shit out of little kids” train. I just can’t. This isn’t a gay thing either, I’d find it equally odd if a guy dressed in diamond studded black leather calling himself Hard Straight was going around the countryside and encouraging vigorous crotch-rubbing on anything you could possibly rub your crotch on.
But like I said, I’m a laid back kinda guy, so I’m not at all outraged nor do I have my geriatric panties in a bunch (“IF I KNEW WHO TO CALL TO GET SOMETHING DONE ABOUT IT, I WOULD”) I just kinda think this kind of thing helps contibute to the fucked-up-ness of Japan. You know, things like women getting mass-groped on trains, tentacle rape anime porn, vending machines that sell used girls panties (yes, it is real, although I’ve never seen one I know friends who have), billions upon billions of upskirt fetishists, THAT kind of fucked up.
Therapist: So, tell me exactly when your sexual fetish for paper clips started.
Woman: Hmm, I’d have to say about 15 years ago … when that Hard Gay fellow humped the shit outta my uterus. That was really when things started going downhill.
Hey, it’s plausible.

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43 Responses

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  1. J said, on November 27, 2006 at 12:26 am

    Oh geez, I’ve been waiting forever for this one to be posted. About a month after reading it on Outpost Nine, I got an issue of Official US Playstation Magazine in the mail – one in which the monthly J-Town section was dedicated to Hard Gay.
    According to the article, the whole thing is apparently a facade (can’t get the stupid proper tail-thing on the “c”), as he is married with a wife. Then again, immediately following that statement, it set in with the fact that Elton John was in a similar situation before coming out to the public. For now, we may never know which way Hard Gay truly swings.
    Also, interesting enough, I read in the article that he tried to sue Yahoo for the similarity of their signature commercial yodel (“Yahoooooo!”) to his signature cry of “Foooooooo!”
    Stranger than fiction…

  2. bakira said, on November 27, 2006 at 12:36 am

    Hasn’t hard Gay been around for a while now… well, at least the last time i went over to my grandparents house (my grandparents live in shigaken.. in kusatsu and i went in like… august) he was like.. already dying in popularity.. i guess maybe he is having a comeback. Well, i guess it is pretty wierd to ask little girls to slap a tight leather-covered ass, but nobody should sue… just like when i didn’t get sued when i walked around SanFransisco dressed up as a robot (that had a crotch flap that said sexmachine when lifted up) only bad thign that happened = got kicked out of metreon, for doing pelvic thrusts (with flap up) at a large group of businessmen.
    …maybe watching hard gay is a bad thing…

  3. Gabe said, on November 27, 2006 at 1:08 am

    Hey, look at the bright side. It is an entire country that proves that Tom Green antics are damaging to a country’s health and well being. And I have seen the Panty Vending Machine.
    At the first train station in Akihabara near all the Club Segas, take a right out of the train station. Take another right on the main street and at the first alley on the right you will see the machine.

  4. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 2:07 am

    Uh, just to point out to Bakira above, this was written last year, probably before Hard Gay’s popularity was waning.

  5. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 2:07 am

    Uh, just to point out to Bakira above, this was written last year, probably before Hard Gay’s popularity was waning.

  6. Cariss said, on November 27, 2006 at 3:21 am

    Marry me… no scratch that, I want more gaijin smash originals
    (Az’s Note: And so you shall have them.)

  7. Brad said, on November 27, 2006 at 5:19 am

    24-themed commercials?
    Oh, lord. If you love your readers (okay, just me) at all, you’ll suggest where these might be found.

  8. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 5:36 am

    If anyones interested in Hard Gay, check out his offical English Subbing site: http://www.bakakage.net

  9. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 5:36 am

    If anyones interested in Hard Gay, check out his offical English Subbing site: http://www.bakakage.net

  10. Joshua said, on November 27, 2006 at 8:28 am

    Sadly things like this is WHY i LOVE japan. The more fucked up i find out it is the more i want it. I hear Az talking about all these “bad things” about japan but honestly he has made me want to move there more then ever. God japan is awesome. Its history, its technology, its women, its messed up fashion and other trends. I cant find a single thing about it i dislike except the whol smoking thing….but im sure i can get over a little long cancer for something i love, right? ^_^

  11. anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 9:33 am

    24 commercials: http://youtube.com/results?search_query=caloriemate&search=Search

  12. James Smith said, on November 27, 2006 at 9:44 am

    Here are some pictures of his recent wedding for those who haven’t seen: http://www.japanprobe.com/?p=728

  13. Jay said, on November 27, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    haha, Hard Gay is awesome, but it’s generally not accepted in the states… i showed my English teacher a clip of HG dry-humping the back of a kids head… she said it was funny, but it made her really uncomfortable… i know what she means!
    oh, and that skirt fetish is everywhere… just the other day at work, i caught a co-worker bending down to pick something up, but oddly looking straight forward, right up a girls skirt.

  14. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 3:59 pm

    LAWL Hard Gay. I dunno about everyone, but I personally find it feckin’ hilarious. It’s the most random shit ever.

  15. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 3:59 pm

    LAWL Hard Gay. I dunno about everyone, but I personally find it feckin’ hilarious. It’s the most random shit ever.

  16. Mr. Bomberman said, on November 27, 2006 at 5:19 pm

    I second Joshua’s post.
    This blog has only made me more excited about going to Japan someday
    and the 24 CM’s lol

  17. Zantetsu said, on November 27, 2006 at 7:15 pm

    …Wait, so the grope trains aren’t just a fantasy thing like tentacles? Me god… I’d visit Japan just to see how much fucked up it truly is. I mean my Japanese teacher doesn’t seem anything like how you desribe middle-aged Japanese women but still…
    As it has been said before I expect to see something more recent.

  18. Zach said, on November 28, 2006 at 12:20 am

    On one hand, I agree that Hard Gay was (since he’s gone now) a lot funnier than most of the garbage on Japanese television (like hearing ‘umai’ [delicious] every 10 seconds for 4 hours). On the other hand, to goes to show how NOT in touch Japanese people are with sexuality.
    In all reality most Japanese people don’t even have a basic concept of what a gay/lesbian person is. And I do mean BASIC. They haven’t even a clue of what being gay involves. I’ve talked to Japanese adults about alternative lifestyles and it just blows their minds.
    Anyhow, if you’re planning on moving to Japan, don’t worry about bringing your credit cards, because unless you live in Tokyo or Osaka, you probably aren’t going to need them…barely any stores have credit card machines and the ones that do often don’t accept international ones…hurray ‘technology’!!!

  19. Nader said, on November 28, 2006 at 1:11 am

    I dunno…I find hard gay really funny, maybe cause its so strange?

  20. Zia said, on November 28, 2006 at 7:15 am

    Surprisingly…thanks to the oh-so-wonderful Youtube, Hard Gay has reached Puerto Rico. It’s not uncommon to see a little boy running down the street with his arms in the air going “Foooo!”
    It was amusing at first. Now, it scares me.
    I’ll admit it–sometimes he’s funny..sometimes. But having children do it isn’t funny at all.

  21. John said, on November 28, 2006 at 5:20 pm

    If you are looking for more proof of the sexual f***ed-up-ness of Japan, and aren’t squeamish about a very dark chapter of history, look up the Rape of Nanking. It was so bad that a Nazi German in Nanking did waht he could to shelter as many women as possible.
    To this day, the Japanese will not admit that they did wrong in Nanking.

  22. Aaron said, on November 28, 2006 at 8:20 pm

    Yes, I just youtubed Hard Gay, I actually had tears streaming from my eyes.

  23. Katie said, on November 28, 2006 at 9:18 pm

    I love Haado Gei-san!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
    Can you give us an insight on whats going on with Daisuke Matsuzaka over in Japan? I’m a huge Red Sox fan and am wicked excited about him 🙂

  24. Anonymous said, on November 29, 2006 at 1:13 am

    Hard Gay is freaking hilarious. Every time I watch, I end up laughing uncontrollably. FOOOOOO, bitches.

  25. Anonymous said, on November 29, 2006 at 1:13 am

    Hard Gay is freaking hilarious. Every time I watch, I end up laughing uncontrollably. FOOOOOO, bitches.

  26. Kira said, on November 29, 2006 at 9:51 am

    Actually, Razor Ramon Hard Gay is a wrestling champion, he even take part on Hustle(that wrestling…show i think, that is based on super sentai and tokusatsu were they even have a week’s “monster” – search YouTube for it, it’s amazingly bizarre).
    Haado Gay is also famous outside Japan as well by people that know anime or are fascinated by japan and their fucked up way(hell, i’m brazillian! You can see were this thing has reached, uh?).
    Anyway, i simply love your editorials and aways read’em. Just wanted to share the bit of info i got this time.
    See ya

  27. mp3 said, on November 29, 2006 at 3:42 pm

    women getting mass-groped on trains?! first Ive heard about that! care to elaborate?

  28. Ravsieg said, on November 30, 2006 at 8:49 pm

    The problem isn’t with Japanese, it’s with the rest of world. Seriously, how much does it hurt a little girl to have some dude pulling some unharmful sexual hints at her? She won’t get the meaning of it, so she won’t find it any special, therefore she won’t remember it when she gets older. End of the story.
    Of course there’s the REAL assaults, but I’m only talking about these that are obvious jokes and not to be taken as serious.
    It’s just that ocidental people tend to make a huge fuss around it, like “OMG he’s sexually assaulting my 7-year-old daughter and she’s shocked!”.
    .. yeah?
    Looking at the supposedly “shocked” daughter, what we see is a giggle of finding something funny, being clueless over anything else that crazy man might have meant. It’s not like she’ll get scarred for life. As I said above, it’s most likely she won’t even have memories of the accident. So, why not leave it at it while everyone is happy?
    Post Scriptum, here in Portugal I know quite a number of HG fans. Yes, it’s that epidemic, it reached a little nation on the very west of Europe that few people care about. Speeding after a dude on a bike that refused to get your advertising paper sheet is priceless.

  29. alexandra said, on December 2, 2006 at 3:15 pm

    in response to ravsieg, that’s fucked up. yes, it does hurt a girl when some old dude pulls some sexual advances towards her. they’ll remember it. ask your female friends, they’ll say they remember fucked up shit that’s happened to them when they were young.

  30. Spoofer said, on December 4, 2006 at 6:53 pm

    Well.. what can i say.. just check youtube everyone.. or don’t, if you want to perserver your sanity.

  31. Sam said, on December 5, 2006 at 3:07 am

    OH FFS…I freaking hate that guy. My friends at uni think he’s awesome for some stupid fucked up reason. They criticise me because I complain when they laugh at his antics around me. Honestly, I have no problem with people expressing their sexuality, but there’s festivals and marches for that kind of thing. You don’t go up to kids and dry hump them no matter what the premise is. “Oh it’s for tv, it’s ok” NO IT’S FREAKING NOT! Or as my uni friends say “the kids think it’s funny, look at them” no…just no…when I see those kids, I see a face contorted in horror and disbelief as anyone would have as some large man who looks like he just came out of an all out party involving most of the steel industry dressed in leather hot pants humps the side of their head….*ahem* but maybe that’s just me.

  32. evil_tennyo said, on December 9, 2006 at 8:09 am

    lmao, yes i heard of Hard Gay when I saw the “japanorama” exclusive with him. very funny, but a little disturbing. it also mentioned in the show however, that japanese women are starting to complain about this not being appropriate for children now.

  33. sntx said, on March 12, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    I really think you’re taking this Hard Gay thing a little too far. I’ll admit that when I first saw a Hard Gay video, I was shocked and had a similar reaction as you. How could Japanese television allow this guy to do what he did?
    Then I realized that he really wasn’t doing anything that outrageous at all. Yeah, his S&M clothing has shock value, but it’s just another part of his character. In most sketches he’s actually doing a good thing like cleaning up a park or helping some guy on the street. It’s a bit creepy when he hip-thrusts at children, but I think that’s much more benign than the stuff kids see and imitate from Jackass or any other number of shows in America.
    I think HG’s really comedy comes because he’s making light of formality in Japanese culture. He gets what he wants through very direct language, often touching the people he’s talking to. In Japan where this is certainly not the norm, it’s a bit jarring, but very refreshing and funny, to see HG explore some of these barriers while doing the rest of his routine.

  34. AKN said, on June 17, 2007 at 6:39 am

    oh from the head of a demented American, the way you are thinking about this show fundamentally IS what is wrong in America right now. These kids (as MIND BLOWING as it may seen) have very little if NO clue what he’s doing. The fact that you want to take and twist it into something perverted instead of a joke being put over on someone inncoent…well, it is definitely a testiment to you spending your time in San Fransico. As in a comment below, it’s a complete shock to MOST Japanese people that the perverted things that you are even THINKING this to be – would be accepted at all. Innocence is bliss my friend, obviously yours was stripped away a long time ago, but just because your vision is so skewed doesn’t mean you need to bag on other’s harmless fun.

  35. Richard said, on October 1, 2007 at 4:05 am

    Hey Az you ever notice if you were to seperate the word therapist into two words it would be The Rapist? WTF?!! That’s what most of them are, they charge you shit loads of money to bring up shit you don’t wanna think about or talk about. Or to tell you why you’re so in so didn’t show you affection and psychological bs like that. Well thought you would find that interesting, I am going to the Navy, and if I get sent on ship, I will probably have to visit Japan, anybody tries to Kancho me his ass is grass!!! lol

  36. Anonymous said, on March 2, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    School shootings are now up to 1 report every other day on the news, as sensational as when a cat gets stuck up a tree, and nobody even pays the reports any attention unless the news media conglomerate deems it fit to slap a “Virginia Tech #2” label on it in order to milk as much media hype out of the incident as possible, AND here you are, complaining about how fucked up any of these things are. They aren’t even trying to spread any of this shit around either.
    But I guess it is exactly like me choosing to go to your site to bitch about your bitching. You gotta give your rabid fans what they come here for, right?

  37. Anonymous said, on March 2, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    School shootings are now up to 1 report every other day on the news, as sensational as when a cat gets stuck up a tree, and nobody even pays the reports any attention unless the news media conglomerate deems it fit to slap a “Virginia Tech #2” label on it in order to milk as much media hype out of the incident as possible, AND here you are, complaining about how fucked up any of these things are. They aren’t even trying to spread any of this shit around either.
    But I guess it is exactly like me choosing to go to your site to bitch about your bitching. You gotta give your rabid fans what they come here for, right?

  38. Saknika said, on March 3, 2008 at 12:42 am

    Hate to break it to ya Az, but America has gotten to that point too in places. My friends and I are die hard fans of Hard Gay, have been since before you wrote about this on Outpost Nine. America is on the bullet-train to Hell.

  39. Anornimoose said, on April 14, 2008 at 5:23 pm

    Hard Gay: He is a buffet of manliness.

  40. Josh said, on May 31, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Where can I buy one of those used panties from?

  41. isho said, on June 18, 2008 at 5:41 am

    to be truthful,when i saw the header for this one i immediately thought,”so Az has finally encountered the Hardest of Gays” i’ve youtubed japanese comedy a few times ,just so i could understand some of it,i found some of the downtown sketches funny,but nothing compared to Homey the Clown, Razor Ramon Hard Gay is a completely different story,he is 13 different kinds of awesome…in a gay way that is. of course there is very little in life that i have read or seen that has provided me as much laughs as GaijinSmash,you are a freakin hilarious guy.

  42. Anonymous said, on January 19, 2009 at 3:16 am

    I’ve read your archives three or four times by now, and this one still makes me laugh so hard I cry.

  43. Anonymous said, on January 19, 2009 at 3:16 am

    I’ve read your archives three or four times by now, and this one still makes me laugh so hard I cry.


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