Gaijin Smash

Just Another Wednesday

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on November 8, 2005

Like any good Hollywood franchise these days, the series must be pushed to three installments, to milk it for all its worth before going on to rehash something else.
This time I dropped in on the ninensei. The ninensei are learning about Thailand. The boys were rehearsing a traditional Thai dance, while the girls were working on a karaoke version of a Thai pop song. The boys were more or less engrossed with their “dance practice”, which involved them jumping all over the classroom and knocking each other over (for the record, the final version looked NOTHING like this). The girls looked ready to take a break by the time I’d come, so they rushed over for some conversation, including Ultimate Sweetness and some of her friends.
Sweetness’s English teacher and I have a new thing for her. When Sweetness is doing something above and beyond her standard levels of cute, something that crosses into the disgusting, almost offensive levels of cuteness, we’ll both just clutch our chests, as if Sweetness were giving us a heart-attack from pure cute clogging up our arteries. Yes, it’s that bad.
Anyway, somehow the ninensei girls had gotten me to open up my wallet and show some of my pictures. I still have some old pics of girls I knew in high school (just friends sadly. I was Corporate General of the De-sexified Friend Zone (the DFZ) back then), so they marvelled over how beautiful American women are and how they could never compete. For a *brief* moment, I considered telling them about how there are scores of American men back home who think Japanese women are the most beautiful thing ever created since the Super Nintendo, but I decided that biting my tongue on this matter would be for the best. Sweetness gets caught starting too hard at a particularly cute blonde. Sweetness’s best friend notices this, and in a huff, throws up her hands and says “Oh! I see how it is!” before marching to the back of the room. Yeah, I didn’t get it either. Another girl explains to me that Sweetness really likes the blonde haired, blue-eyed look. Thinks it’s really beautiful. So now Sweetness’s best friend had become insanely jealous.
Sweetness convinces her friend to come back, who then falls into her arms fake sobbing over not being able to compete with beautiful American women, and how she’s lost to a picture. Sweetness pats her on the back, while cooing in her ear – “I’m sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. I love you.” Sweetness then looks up at me, and gives me this “What can you do?” look while still patting her friend on the back like the family dog.
Did you hear that Elizabeth? Here comes the big one.


I left the ninensei before I dropped dead on the spot from adorable overload. I paid the sannensei another visit (I was kind of reluctant to go see the ichinensei again – do you blame me?) and immediately ran into Mousey. “Hey, it’s hentai sensei!” he says. Not this again. I reiterated that he was the most hentai kid, quite possibly, ever. I tried to walk past him but as I did he literally lunged over the posters that everyone had been working on since Monday to try and grab my dick. Ascended Senses kick in and Mousey is dealt with. I tried to just keep moving but Mousey again leaps over everyone to try and jam some fingers in my ass. I could tell the other students were getting annoyed with him as he was actually coming close to stepping on and possibly ripping everyone’s hard work. So to save the Cultural Festival preparations and my ass crack once more, I picked him up and carried him away from everyone. “Where should I take him?” I wondered out loud. “Dump him in the pool, maybe?” “DO IT!” an ENTIRE HALLWAY of otherwise low-key, quiet sannensei suddenly shouted.
I didn’t dump him in the pool. It would have been the most satisfying thing I’ve done, ever, but in the end I’d probably have to answer to the PTA. I think I’ve mentioned before, fucking with the PTA in Japan is like fucking with The Sopranos. I’d come home and find a dead horse on my doorstep. Along with a reminder for the PTA softball tournament on Saturday.
Instead, I put Mousey down, and he immediately started going for my dick again. I restrained him by grabbing both of his hands. “If it gets hard, I wonder how big it’ll get!” Mousey says as I struggle with him.
Ok, that’s twice now. Two times in three days I’ve had Japanese boys be interested in my dick, and wait, not just my penis, my erect penis.
Mousey’s got to be out of his tiny little head though if he thinks he was going to find anything hard in that situation. …Man, this is awful no matter how you slice it.
“You see, this is exactly what makes you so damn weird” I tell him as I continue restraining him. He is completely unabated by this. “If it gets hard, how big will it get!” At least the other boys watching (WHY THE FUCK WEREN’T YOU HELPING ME, BOYS? SOLIDARITY, BROTHER! DID HULK HOGAN TEACH YOU NOTHING? *ahem*) could appreciate the insanity of the situation. “Looking at this,” one of the boys says, “it’s hard to believe he’s a sannensei, isn’t it? He seems like an ichinensei.” “Or even an elementary schooler,” another boy responds.
Mousey eventually gives up and goes back to his project. I regain my composure and as I do so, a boy sitting next to me looks up and hands me a ruler. “What’s this for?” I asked. He didn’t say anything, just motioned over to Mousey. In any language, in any culture, his facial expression was 100%, no mistaking it, machigaenai, crystal clear – “Go whack the stuffing outta that bastard.”
And oh boy, it was so tempting.
I returned the ruler. “I’ll whack him some other day,” I say. I couldn’t help but to think that if I had, somehow despite the fact that Mousey was trying with all his might to size up my erect penis just a few seconds earlier, I would have been the one in the wrong. And then I would have had to face THE PTA. You can say “Gaijin Smash” all you want, little old Japanese women are unfathomable levels of broken. Our Gaijin Superpowers just don’t work, cause they just don’t give a damn. I’m not even sure Jack Bauer or MacGuyver could successfully take on a little Japanese granny. I still contend that if Japan had sent grandmothers into the war, we’d be the United States of The Rising Sun right now. So as satisfying as whacking Mousey would have been, I decided to skip it as to not incur the Wrath of THE PTA.
As I continued down the hallway, Moeko ran up to me. Without one word, she passed me a letter, and quickly ran off. When I came to the poster she’d been working on, I found written at the top “Az’s Korean Dish of Interest” along with a drawing of the dish I’d picked, and the recipe for it.
I have a feeling that it’s going to be a good day.

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24 Responses

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  1. Gabe said, on November 24, 2006 at 1:12 am

    Is ther *not* someone you can complain to?! I think after all this time it is no longer “just a little fun” but now is full blown sexual harassment! Oh, wait. Japan. Sorry, forgot for a while there.

  2. Odangochan said, on November 24, 2006 at 1:28 am

    With all the kancho and the dodgedick, sometimes a reader will start to question why you go on. And then you mention Ultimate Sweetness or Moeko, and suddenly it all makes sense.

  3. Pentaro said, on November 24, 2006 at 1:45 am

    Heh, judging by those guys’ comment, not every single little boy in Japan is THAT damaged. Maybe you just got lucky to be around the ones that are…

  4. Kirone said, on November 24, 2006 at 3:56 am

    Thats one weird kid, last year i spend a month in Kyoto (near Kokusaikaikan subway) and there was a school i had to walk past every single day. In my last week there I actually saw a JET teacher launched into the air by a kid, poor guy didn’t have the Kancho Sense.
    Is it possible for you to upload a few pictures of the posters Moeko and her group made. Would love to see how they have drawn your Korean Dish Poster.

  5. BrianfromNazareth said, on November 24, 2006 at 4:39 am

    Even if Japan sent its grandmothers in battle I’m sure USA would find a countermeasure like Moral majority or invent time machine and bring todays PETA to the fight.

  6. edrin said, on November 24, 2006 at 5:51 am

    have any of your days been WITHOUT the kancho thing???

  7. TiDaN said, on November 24, 2006 at 8:37 am

    “a boy sitting next to me looks up and hands me a ruler”
    Are you sure he wasn’t giving you a ruler so you can measure your piece for Mousey, once and for all?
    You never know with these kids right?

  8. dodol38 said, on November 24, 2006 at 11:38 am

    er…lucky?

  9. mephy said, on November 24, 2006 at 7:52 pm

    zuh? who’s elizabeth? am i the only one confused by that?

  10. Anonymous said, on November 24, 2006 at 10:00 pm

    “machigaenai”?

  11. Anonymous said, on November 24, 2006 at 10:00 pm

    “machigaenai”?

  12. JordanVailo said, on November 24, 2006 at 10:19 pm

    “With all the kancho and the dodgedick, sometimes a reader will start to question why you go on. And then you mention Ultimate Sweetness or Moeko, and suddenly it all makes sense.”
    Thats possibly the best comment i’ve seen all week.
    And, seriously, think of the Cuteness Power that could be obtained with Moeko and Ultimate Sweetness together. They could invent the C-Bomb. They would launch it over America, and instantly, 80% of the worlds problems would be solved, because we would be so placated by the cuteness that is the C-Bomb we wouldn’t have any time to say anything negative.

  13. Mr. Bomberman said, on November 25, 2006 at 1:55 am

    “For a *brief* moment, I considered telling them about how there are scores of American men back home who think Japanese women are the most beautiful thing ever created since the Super Nintendo, but I decided that biting my tongue on this matter would be for the best.”
    No, you should’ve said that. Unfortunately, I am one of those people.
    Another great read…

  14. Anonymous said, on November 25, 2006 at 3:43 am

    Someone above isn’t familiar with Sanford & Son.

  15. Anonymous said, on November 25, 2006 at 3:43 am

    Someone above isn’t familiar with Sanford & Son.

  16. Joseph said, on November 25, 2006 at 3:47 am

    “I think I’ve mentioned before, fucking with the PTA in Japan is like fucking with The Sopranos. I’d come home and find a dead horse on my doorstep.”
    I laughed so hard reading that I spit out my drink. Funniest thing i’ve read all week.
    No I don’t think you mentioned that before, maybe you can elaborate more on the PTA.

  17. Zantetsu said, on November 26, 2006 at 4:48 pm

    We’re not so different, seeing there’s a similar prank in Malta where children try and forcefully pull your trousers down for their sheer amusement and your humiliation… At least when I was still in school.
    Mate, they should have sent you to a girl’s school but they’re probably too afraid to have you there. šŸ˜›

  18. becky said, on November 29, 2006 at 10:08 am

    The main tea ceremony sensei here at school is a little old lady. As the saying goes, when she says ‘Jump’, 20 extremely graceful and obedient girls, including me (well, excluding the grace) say, ‘yes sensei, we will jump and try our hardest!’ The entire asking ‘how high?’ thing, which involves asking a question… just no. Araki sensei especially loves to make me give up my weekends to volunteer somewhere and serve tea to salarymen who don’t think I understand them when they call me cute. Plus, I have had two live in japanese host grandmothers, one of whom had a penchant for leaving her teeth in the sink and the other who gives me secret gifts of money in a very suspicious manner.
    So, to conclude, Japanese little old ladies are the most terrifying thing yet. I am glad that we agree on this.

  19. koneko said, on December 4, 2006 at 3:17 pm

    Elizabeth, is a reference to Sanford and Son. Sanford’s wife’s name was Elizabeth and she had already died in the series. Sanford was an old black man and whenever something bad happened he would always joke about dying and meeting Elizabeth.

  20. Anonymous said, on December 7, 2006 at 3:37 am

    I kinda like the thinly veiled srk references

  21. Anonymous said, on December 7, 2006 at 3:37 am

    I kinda like the thinly veiled srk references

  22. Runs With Scissors said, on January 2, 2007 at 8:56 pm

    I Heart Moeko. Totally cute ^____^ That girl is awesome.

  23. Rune said, on February 15, 2009 at 8:36 am

    Have been reading the archive for the last couple of days, and here’s an idea (though it will be too late for you Az, not being an ALT anymore). You should have gotten your mother to send you Ritalin in your care-packages. Then you just had to figure out a way of slipping it into Mousey, Penis-Boy et. al.’s ramune. Those kids sound like classic ADHD sufferers and being in Japan, there chance of ever getting the help they or their family needs are slim to none.

  24. Pete said, on May 1, 2009 at 2:08 am

    Hate to put a downer on it, but, hypersexuality like that is often a warning sign of child abuse. The kid is confused into believing that parental love and sex are sides of the same coin. Being a kind teacher puts you in a similar role and triggers those same issues.
    If that’s not the issue, then it’s a simple power game to him: and he should be disciplined by the principal for that sort of thing.


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