Gaijin Smash

Just Another Tuesday

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on November 5, 2005

Second verse, same as the first.
This time, I decided to go upstairs and see what the ichinensei were up to. First, I ran into the boy who’d tried to slip his hands down my pants in the hallway (see And Now For Something Different). As usual, he was once again amazed by my height. He called over the tallest ichinensei to compare – a girl. “Wow, she looks tiny compared to you!” he says in utter amazement. I wonder what kind of damage this is doing to both me and the girl’s egos.
Anyway, Gropey (the long-lost 8th Dwarf?) wanders off to do something else, so I start to talk with the girl and her friend about the various different inconvenient aspects of being over 6 feet tall in Japan. As I’m talking, without even realizing it, my hand naturally moves behind me, as I parry the fingers of the “Please may I kancho you?” boy as he tried to hit me with a Shinobi Kancho. Fucker didn’t even ask me this time. “How did you know?!” The Indelible Mr. Kancho asks, amazed at how easily I parried his attack. Since I’ve gained my Ascended Anti-Kancho Powers, this boy just has no idea what he’s trying to mess with. He came expecting to kancho a man, but instead he found A GOD.
*Ahem*. Anyway. Not particularly wanting to end my conversation with these two girls in order to fend off Yet Another Kancho Attack, I used the longest part of my body, my legs (get your minds out of the gutters, sickos) to keep Mr. Kancho at bay. I pinned him to the wall with my right heel, and while keeping my balance on my left leg, continued talking to the girls. Mr. Kancho tried to snake his hands up my leg, and thinking back on it now, he would have had a direct line to the Eye of the Tiger. However, I do have really long legs, and I’d be hard pressed to find any Japanese person who could actually reach up my leg THAT far, ESPECIALLY Mr. Kancho who is a runt of a kid to begin with. Ha, take that, Japanese gene pool!
After realizing his complete and utter defeat, Mr. Kancho retreated away to work on his project, but he’ll be back. It never ends.


I entered one of the classrooms and found Daffy working on a poster with some girls. She gave me a cheery greeting.
Daffy: Oh! Good afternoon! (she’s all smiles and waving wildly as she says this)
Me: Oh my, you’re awfully spirited today.
Other Girl: Well you know, that’s because she’s in love with you.
Daffy: (realizing what the other girl was about to say, at the same time): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: What?
Girl: What I’m trying to say is, she loves you.
Daffy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: Huh?
Girl: SHE! LOVES! YOU!
Daffy: WAAAAH! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!
Me: I don’t get it at all.
Girl: Eh, forget it.
Daffy: Whew! But, you kind of understand right?
Me: I’m completely clueless.
I decided to feign ignorance to avoid all sorts of uncomfortable situations that may or may not arise. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Heh heh.
I hadn’t gotten too far into the classroom until I ran into Gropey again, but this time he’d brought a friend. Penis-Boy! Great. Now, the both of them marveled over my size. I know I’m the tallest human being they’ve ever seen, but it can’t be THAT remarkable. I mean, it’s not like I tower over them like some goliathian beast, right? I’m really starting to think that Godzilla was inspired when the author ran into a foreigner somewhere in public, and wondered, “What if this mighty beast got angry and decided to start wrecking havoc? Who could stop him?”
Gropey and Penis-Boy seamlessly transitioned from my size to my perceived strength. They grabbed my arms. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, referring to my forearm muscles. Well, I suppose so. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, grabbing my chest. Well, I guess, but don’t make a habit out of doing that kids, the groping problem in Japan is bad enough without you two adding to it. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, grabbing for my stomach. Eh, not that hard, I need to lay off the beer. But hey, watch the hands already, right? This isn’t some sort of Gaijin Petting Zoo. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, going for my dick.
NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!
I push Penis-Boy away with my right hand, but then I’ve got Gropey coming for my chest so I have to push him away with my left hand. They continually exclaim “It’s hard! It’s hard!” as they go for my chest and dick. Does anybody remember when I used to get really freaked out about this kind of thing? When this shit was just absolutely knock-you-to-the-floor amazing. Now, it’s just like no big deal. For you, this kind of thing is fucked up beyond all recognition. For me, it’s Tuesday.
I fight off Gropey and Penis-Boy towards the front of the room. There are two girls working on a poster there. I turn to them. “This aint right! Help me please!” They laugh. “Oh, it looks like you’re having fun!” Girls, there is NOTHING fun about trying to keep two little boys from trying to feel you up. Oh, you girls just wait 3 years until it’s *your turn*. We’ll see how “fun” it is then.
Gotta love Japan.
The teacher, incidentally, who has been in the hallway since the beginning, finally tells them to knock it off and get back to work. But they’ll be back too.
Again, if only the women of this country could show HALF the interest in my groin region as the little boys do. I wonder how much it would cost to make a giant indestructible bubble that I could just roll around in? Just think about the possible uses! Allow terminally ill patients to actually leave the hospital! The ultimate rainwear gear! Never be violated by touchy-feely Japanese boys again! If this hasn’t been invented it, damnit, it should be.

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26 Responses

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  1. Genibibiou said, on November 21, 2006 at 1:09 am

    W00t! First to leave a comment, right?
    I guess it pays off to check your site randomly in the middle of the night!
    . . . . . =.= I need a boyfriend.
    Anyway- I understand what you mean when you say how all of that stuff used to be wholly uncomprehensible. I remember reading your posts on Outpost Nine for the first time and actually saying, “Oh my GOD- Is he SERIOUS?!” out loud as I covered my mouth in shock. Now- I can only laugh and think, “Golly gee- that Penis-boy sure is a little scamp…”

  2. anton said, on November 21, 2006 at 6:21 am

    As for the ball; “The true adventures of Chad, the guy who was soo into Super Monkeyball Deluxe, that he decided to live in a ball”
    http://www.mekanism.com/sega/home.html

  3. Danutsu said, on November 21, 2006 at 7:30 am

    Genibibiou is right. I have a feeling your site has… corrupted our little minds beyond any recovery.

  4. John said, on November 21, 2006 at 8:10 am

    Tuesday. Yeah… .it’s Tuesday. And I must agree with Genibibiou, when I first started reading, I was busting a gut laughing at how incredulous this all sounded.. now though.. I laugh at the writing and your reactions more than the situations themselves. Kancho isn’t quite the shocking thing it once was. You’re training us well Az.

  5. Davey said, on November 21, 2006 at 9:06 am

    Your use of quotes from SF: The Movie made this post even better. Good job.

  6. Erin said, on November 21, 2006 at 11:52 am

    That’s why your site’s so awesome. It makes people less scared of/more interested in foreign culture. Plus it’s funny to read about big black guys getting molested by 12-year-old Japanese boys.

  7. Willow said, on November 21, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    I keep thinking: Kancho should become the new national sport in Japan…
    -It’s got a little of a Martial arts feel – and who doesn’t like Ninjas?
    -speed / strength / stamina are vital to succeed
    -it seems a lot more fun than baseball. And you can start training from a very young age.
    As a sport it might get world recognition, prizes, trophies, athletes / heroes… ah, what a dream.
    Imagine in a few years time, your collection of cards: “Kancho Heroes”… I can’t wait to get the Penis Boy card (limited edition).

  8. Leckan said, on November 21, 2006 at 1:18 pm

    I recognized this line.
    “For you, this kind of thing is fucked up beyond all recognition. For me, it’s Tuesday.”
    Clearly a homage to Street Fighter: The Movie (sucky movie I know, I know.) With a line from Mr. Bison (Raul Julia):
    “For you, the day Bison graced your village was the greatest day of your life. For me? It was Tuesday.”
    Nice touch. (thumbs-up)

  9. Brad said, on November 22, 2006 at 4:33 am

    Actually, they have invented the ball-to-roll-around-in. Sadly, it’s usually sized for a hamster.

  10. SharpEyes said, on November 22, 2006 at 10:22 am

    Hey, recently I was watching Princess Mononuke, and I was told by a Japanese freind that the women are just like Toki. The woman who screams at her husband for haveing a broken leg. Then at the guard. Is this true? If so… FEAR THE JAPANESE WOMEN! Mostly, fear the really cute one’s that are really sweet….

  11. Katie said, on November 22, 2006 at 1:20 pm

    You are AMAZING. I love all of your entries. Have a great Thanksgiving!

  12. Akasha said, on November 22, 2006 at 1:45 pm

    Lol, indeed Az I no longer am as shocked as I once was when I started reading this on outpost nine. Now I just laugh at the entire situation wondering “How will Az escape this time!”.
    I really want to go to Japan and I begin wonder how the experience would differ for a female teacher over there =)

  13. Mr. Bomberman said, on November 22, 2006 at 5:26 pm

    Ah.. how I love this site.
    “Second verse, same as the first.”
    I have trouble knowing what song you got that from, or is it that…
    ♪My mind is playing tricks on me♪

  14. Shinkada said, on November 22, 2006 at 8:39 pm

    Don’t forget, “He came expecting to kancho a man, but instead he found A GOD.” Another one similar to one of Bison’s lines. Damn Az, give Guile some love.

  15. Crazy european guy said, on November 23, 2006 at 1:51 am

    Ha, take that, Japanese gene pool!
    This isn’t some sort of Gaijin Petting Zoo.
    “Golly gee- that Penis-boy sure is a little scamp…”
    PRICELESS 😀

  16. Gabe said, on November 24, 2006 at 12:59 am

    If that shit is just Tuesday for you then you need to go home. You have learned all that you need to and now it is time for the master to leave and let the pupil newbie Gaijin to learn the parwers you have gotten for yourself. But I know you wont and I know you still have much more to write about. I can’t wait for the next Gaijin power.

  17. Anonymous said, on November 25, 2006 at 5:30 am

    “Me: Oh my, you’re awfully spirited today.
    Other Girl: Well you know, that’s because she’s in love with you.
    Daffy: (realizing what the other girl was about to say, at the same time): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    Me: What?”
    Daffy is cute.
    Why don’t you accept her love?

  18. Anonymous said, on November 25, 2006 at 5:30 am

    “Me: Oh my, you’re awfully spirited today.
    Other Girl: Well you know, that’s because she’s in love with you.
    Daffy: (realizing what the other girl was about to say, at the same time): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    Me: What?”
    Daffy is cute.
    Why don’t you accept her love?

  19. Meg said, on November 25, 2006 at 10:46 pm

    :3 Sounds like a Catholic priest paradise, m’friend.

  20. Zooey said, on November 28, 2006 at 9:27 am

    “Second verse, Same as the first” is from the song “I’m Henry the Eighth” by Herman’s Hermits in 1964.
    Just thought I’d clarify that for you, Mr. Bomberman! Az, keep up the great writing and keep your … senses… honed!

  21. Random Gaijin said, on December 19, 2006 at 11:02 am

    Man that is seriously fucked up!

  22. Anonymous said, on January 2, 2007 at 8:49 pm

    Where the HELL did Kancho COME FROM?! O___o;;

  23. Anonymous said, on January 2, 2007 at 8:49 pm

    Where the HELL did Kancho COME FROM?! O___o;;

  24. The Lunatic said, on January 10, 2007 at 3:32 am

    “…Not particularly wanting to end my conversation with these two girls in order to fend off Yet Another Kancho Attack, I used the longest part of my body, my legs (get your minds out of the gutters, sickos) to keep Mr. Kancho at bay.”
    *snickers* Makes me wonder how you knew what I was thinking! *laughs* (Definitely the Gaijin Telepathy.)

  25. ganonhaswon said, on October 30, 2007 at 6:29 pm

    how could you think such horrible thoughts about those innocent, cute, young, and pure Japanese girls. i know your manhood is important, but how exactly did you expect them to help… hopfully not something like
    “LEAVE AZ ALONE… OR IF YOU MUST GO FOR HIM, YOU HAVE TO GET THOUGH ME FIRST”

  26. chaitea said, on December 17, 2007 at 11:53 pm

    It’s kinda ironic that out of all the kids who’ve tried to… violate you, THIS boy gets the “Mr. Kancho” moniker.
    also WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH


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