Just Another Tuesday
Second verse, same as the first.
This time, I decided to go upstairs and see what the ichinensei were up to. First, I ran into the boy who’d tried to slip his hands down my pants in the hallway (see And Now For Something Different). As usual, he was once again amazed by my height. He called over the tallest ichinensei to compare – a girl. “Wow, she looks tiny compared to you!” he says in utter amazement. I wonder what kind of damage this is doing to both me and the girl’s egos.
Anyway, Gropey (the long-lost 8th Dwarf?) wanders off to do something else, so I start to talk with the girl and her friend about the various different inconvenient aspects of being over 6 feet tall in Japan. As I’m talking, without even realizing it, my hand naturally moves behind me, as I parry the fingers of the “Please may I kancho you?” boy as he tried to hit me with a Shinobi Kancho. Fucker didn’t even ask me this time. “How did you know?!” The Indelible Mr. Kancho asks, amazed at how easily I parried his attack. Since I’ve gained my Ascended Anti-Kancho Powers, this boy just has no idea what he’s trying to mess with. He came expecting to kancho a man, but instead he found A GOD.
*Ahem*. Anyway. Not particularly wanting to end my conversation with these two girls in order to fend off Yet Another Kancho Attack, I used the longest part of my body, my legs (get your minds out of the gutters, sickos) to keep Mr. Kancho at bay. I pinned him to the wall with my right heel, and while keeping my balance on my left leg, continued talking to the girls. Mr. Kancho tried to snake his hands up my leg, and thinking back on it now, he would have had a direct line to the Eye of the Tiger. However, I do have really long legs, and I’d be hard pressed to find any Japanese person who could actually reach up my leg THAT far, ESPECIALLY Mr. Kancho who is a runt of a kid to begin with. Ha, take that, Japanese gene pool!
After realizing his complete and utter defeat, Mr. Kancho retreated away to work on his project, but he’ll be back. It never ends.
I entered one of the classrooms and found Daffy working on a poster with some girls. She gave me a cheery greeting.
Daffy: Oh! Good afternoon! (she’s all smiles and waving wildly as she says this)
Me: Oh my, you’re awfully spirited today.
Other Girl: Well you know, that’s because she’s in love with you.
Daffy: (realizing what the other girl was about to say, at the same time): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Girl: What I’m trying to say is, she loves you.
Girl: SHE! LOVES! YOU!
Daffy: WAAAAH! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!
Me: I don’t get it at all.
Girl: Eh, forget it.
Daffy: Whew! But, you kind of understand right?
Me: I’m completely clueless.
I decided to feign ignorance to avoid all sorts of uncomfortable situations that may or may not arise. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Heh heh.
I hadn’t gotten too far into the classroom until I ran into Gropey again, but this time he’d brought a friend. Penis-Boy! Great. Now, the both of them marveled over my size. I know I’m the tallest human being they’ve ever seen, but it can’t be THAT remarkable. I mean, it’s not like I tower over them like some goliathian beast, right? I’m really starting to think that Godzilla was inspired when the author ran into a foreigner somewhere in public, and wondered, “What if this mighty beast got angry and decided to start wrecking havoc? Who could stop him?”
Gropey and Penis-Boy seamlessly transitioned from my size to my perceived strength. They grabbed my arms. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, referring to my forearm muscles. Well, I suppose so. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, grabbing my chest. Well, I guess, but don’t make a habit out of doing that kids, the groping problem in Japan is bad enough without you two adding to it. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, grabbing for my stomach. Eh, not that hard, I need to lay off the beer. But hey, watch the hands already, right? This isn’t some sort of Gaijin Petting Zoo. “Oh, it’s hard!” they exclaim, going for my dick.
NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!
I push Penis-Boy away with my right hand, but then I’ve got Gropey coming for my chest so I have to push him away with my left hand. They continually exclaim “It’s hard! It’s hard!” as they go for my chest and dick. Does anybody remember when I used to get really freaked out about this kind of thing? When this shit was just absolutely knock-you-to-the-floor amazing. Now, it’s just like no big deal. For you, this kind of thing is fucked up beyond all recognition. For me, it’s Tuesday.
I fight off Gropey and Penis-Boy towards the front of the room. There are two girls working on a poster there. I turn to them. “This aint right! Help me please!” They laugh. “Oh, it looks like you’re having fun!” Girls, there is NOTHING fun about trying to keep two little boys from trying to feel you up. Oh, you girls just wait 3 years until it’s *your turn*. We’ll see how “fun” it is then.
Gotta love Japan.
The teacher, incidentally, who has been in the hallway since the beginning, finally tells them to knock it off and get back to work. But they’ll be back too.
Again, if only the women of this country could show HALF the interest in my groin region as the little boys do. I wonder how much it would cost to make a giant indestructible bubble that I could just roll around in? Just think about the possible uses! Allow terminally ill patients to actually leave the hospital! The ultimate rainwear gear! Never be violated by touchy-feely Japanese boys again! If this hasn’t been invented it, damnit, it should be.