Gaijin Smash

Ms. Americanized 2

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on October 18, 2005

After the Sports Day festival, I went to the drinking party with the other teachers. I feel that Japanese work drinking parties are something that everyone should experience at least once in their lives. Give them a few beers and all the social pressure and self-inflicted misery come crashing down, for a few hours at least. It also lets you see your co-workers go apeshit, which is a very enlightening experience. If you drink enough, you too can get in on the nonsense. Once, at a drinking party for the Ghetto School, I did the Barbie Girl song at karaoke … both parts. I had a Barbie Girl dance going on too and all the male teachers took this opportunity to grope a “real American girl”. It was a special evening I’ll never forget, no matter how hard I try.
Anyway, at this drinking party, I ended up talking to one of the English teachers. She’s 27, and really hot (don’t even think of sending me a “you should hook up with her” email) (Afterthought: you can’t have her either). She did a study abroad at the University of California, Riverside for a year, and as a result her English is pretty good. And much like any Japanese who’s left the country for any length of time, she longs to get out for good.
We were talking about living in Japan, and I was telling her about how when I first came, I considered the possibility of living in Japan for the rest of my life. Now, not so much. I said it was possible, but only if I met a completely awesome girl who I wanted to marry but didn’t want to leave Japan. Oh, and I’d need a REALLY HIGH paying job too. I added that this was highly unlikely though, and I doubted I would get married in Japan. She laughed and asked me why not. I casually told her that Japanese girls may not be what I’m looking for.


She smiled slyly. “Oh, I know what you mean. Fucking Japanese girls, they really suck.”
Homey say what now? Ms. Americanized, is that you?
This is the first time in two years I’ve EVER heard her use swears. I asked where she got that kind of language. “My American friends taught me.” She said, still grinning over having successfully sweared in English.
To all of you back home – if you happen to have a young Japanese exchange student among your circle of friends, or in your care, please do NOT teach them swear words. Sure, it may seem funny to you, but then they’ll go back to Japan and hit me with it at some point, and I just can’t deal with cute young Japanese girls freely saying “fuck” around me. It’s just an unholy combination, like shrimp and mayonnaise on a pizza, a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, or Elton John and Eminem.
“By the way,” she continues. “how is Ms. Americanized?” Both she and Ms. Americanized are in charge of the basketball clubs at their schools, so they meet when the two schools play each other. I dunno why Ms. Americanized came up at this point in the conversation though, maybe she’s tutoring this teacher about English swear words? I can just see the two of them standing together, watching over the basketball game, and Ms. Americanized turns to Ms. Americanized 2 and says “Now, when you use it as an adjective, it becomes “fucking”, as in fucking bastards, or fucking Japanese girls.”
But there you have it. “Fucking Japanese girls”, straight from the horse’s mouth. I’ve done all I could to stem the tide of Yellow Fever, if you men choose to continue down this path the consequences are all on you.

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26 Responses

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  1. b0mbr said, on November 15, 2006 at 12:35 am

    lmao

  2. Gabe said, on November 15, 2006 at 1:18 am

    For the record the only crowning english moment I have had with a Japanese girl is that I got her to properly say “GIRL”. I don’t know why it is so hard for them to fathom an “RL” sound but they look like they are trying to lift weights when they try to say it.
    Az, do you have any thoughts? I learned to pronounce their more interesting sounds! But when I tried to get them to say anything with an RL in it *BAM* there goes all hope of getting an English sentence out of them in less than 5 minutes.

  3. guitrwailinninja said, on November 15, 2006 at 2:24 am

    UCR is…..ew. im at UCI. it might as well be japan

  4. A fellow linguist; capital. said, on November 15, 2006 at 2:57 am

    Re: Gabe’s comment
    If you think about it, it’s not all that hard to understand why they can’t produce this /rl/ sound. Imagine if you will living in a world where such a sound does not exist. You never hear it, so you never know how to reproduce it. As far as you know, such a sound is impossible. As you learn how to speak as a child, your vocal tract muscles don’t find a way to produce /rl/, because it’s unnecessary to do so in order to communicate. This is the Japanese linguistic experience.
    Conversely, this is why it’s so hard for many native English speakers to correctly pronounce the four different variants of syllabic /N/.

  5. Josh T said, on November 15, 2006 at 3:22 am

    Gabe:
    Thats only because you yanks care far too much about “r”s. Too heavy with too much stress. Well, you might not care about them, but you guys sure do say them strange.

  6. Jay said, on November 15, 2006 at 4:48 am

    gabe: in Japanese, the R basically sounds like an “L” so it’s really really hard for non-americanized Japanese people to say the r and l together.
    and i’ll keep that in mind… don’t fuck a Japanese chick… unless i want it to suck.

  7. becky said, on November 15, 2006 at 5:35 am

    have you watched the girls play basketball? basketball at my school here involves offense, or, when it is your turn to shoot, and defense, or your turn to stand around the offensive team and cheer when they make a basket. so when they put the tall gaijin on defense and she, true to american basketball instinct and her two years on a basketball team in new york, takes the ball from them.. the screams are loud and piercing. its not like i mean to be huge and aggressive..

  8. Meg said, on November 15, 2006 at 7:24 am

    But…but I LIKE peanut butter and marmalade… ;___;

  9. Leilani said, on November 15, 2006 at 9:13 am

    In Europe, the first english words you will learn are completely swear words. We are the MTV generation!!! ((((:-)~
    But I think that these words are all you need to deal with the world^^
    Nice story, though. Keep up your good work.

  10. Jordan said, on November 15, 2006 at 11:14 am

    My dad had a Japanese exchange student living with his frat back in the ’70s, and naturally, he picked up all the usual frat-house language. One of the frat brothers took the guy home for Thanksgiving. At one point in the family’s very proper, traditional Thanksgiving meal, the frat brother’s mother asked the Japanese student if he’d like any more food. The Japanese student innocently replied, “Yeah, pass the fucking turkey.”
    My dad’s friend had to take him aside and explain to him how certain language that was appropriate in the frat-house wasn’t aacceptable elsewhere.

  11. Kosetsu said, on November 15, 2006 at 3:34 pm

    Why are two-thirds of your “Unholy Combinations” food-related items? Why Elton John and Eminem? Why not ‘D&D and Pr0n’? Or maybe ‘Pinjas* and Tom Cruise’?
    Oh well. I might have to spite you now by getting my dorm-mates to teach Shiori-san and Nao-san as many swear words as possible. _Because_I_can_.
    * = “Pinja”, for those not in the know, are the supposedly unholy combination of Pirates and Ninja, should they ever cross-breed. Tom Cruise, on the other hand, is already an unholy force on his own, as well as being both cowboy and [last] samurai, and thus completes the set.

  12. EdZ said, on November 15, 2006 at 7:06 pm

    Speaking of trans-lingual phonetic comedy, I wonder what Spanish with a Japanese accent would sound like? Is it even possible to roll an L?

  13. Michael P. said, on November 15, 2006 at 8:45 pm

    Awesome. Now I know something to not say when foreign Japanese students come to my school.

  14. Anonymous said, on November 15, 2006 at 10:09 pm

    actually in japanese the ‘r’ sound is more of a halfway sound in between the english R and L, and can take foreigners a while to learn – especially since they generally start out being taught that it’s the same as R.

  15. Anonymous said, on November 15, 2006 at 10:09 pm

    actually in japanese the ‘r’ sound is more of a halfway sound in between the english R and L, and can take foreigners a while to learn – especially since they generally start out being taught that it’s the same as R.

  16. mephy said, on November 15, 2006 at 11:32 pm

    when i went on exchange in japan, i taught a whole school to say “penis”. i am awesome.
    then when we had japanese students over they were too cute and shy to swear -.- so i told them shit was a kind of pancake.
    i’m going to hell.

  17. Justanothermom said, on November 17, 2006 at 8:32 pm

    Josh T:
    How funny! As a “yank,” I can tell you that the concern for R’s is a matter of perspective.
    When I was in junior high school (8th grade/13 years old), our Spanish teacher told us about her adventures as a foreign exchange student in Spain, and how everyone there complained that we Americans don’t pronounce our R’s. The following day, a student from Spain came to visit our school, and we were encouraged to teach him some english. One student taught him “car;” He turned to our teacher and noted the very same complaint she had heard while abroad!

  18. Zach said, on November 19, 2006 at 10:32 pm

    Actually there are a suprising number of native Spanish speaking people living in Japan. My high school has 1 student from Peru and next year there will be another one from Venezuela. As far as phonetics is concerned, Spanish and Japanese are suprisingly similar. The vowel sounds are very close (save for the [u] sound), and the Spanish [r] (simple vibrant) is much closer to the Japanese “r” sound than it is to the English version.

  19. Rik Mccluer IV said, on November 22, 2006 at 4:08 am

    I dont understand what the hell you are talking about. When I was in Japan If I met a girl who could speak a word of english(let alone the word fuck) I was thrilled. I had alot of trouble meeting girls in Japan, mainly because I am covered in tatoos. The Japanese friends I had in Tokyo, did not warn me of what kind of trouble my image would bring me in Japan. To be Honest, I went there solely for the girls. You have the yellow fever? Well I’ve got the yellow plague. I’ve had it since I saw an asian porno when I was 12 years old. In California there are rumors abound about how much the Japanese love american guys, especially if you have alot of tattoos(rock star image). I had never had so much trouble with girls in my whole fuckin’ life. I was PISSED off at every person that had supposedly been to Japan, and had the expierience of being a “hot chick”[everyone of the opposite sex wants to fuck you]. Girls in Japan were terrified of me. While I watched drunk marines puke and pass out in the streets of Roppungi, start fights with everyone, and generally act like total dick heads, and still get to take hot Japanese girls to “love hotels,” I had to wonder what the fuck I was doing wrong. I thought maybe I should go back to acting like a total asshole like I was in Cali. Hell it was working for the marines, and worked for me in Cali. I tried. I got way too drunk at Club Lexington, called girls “yero cabu’s” when they rejected me, and then puked in the street. this behavior landed me in a police station for 3 hours while they checked my passport, my criminal record in the states, stripped searched me, and then let me go. Why did all this happen when there was a drunk marine puking 5 feet away from me? The police’s answer–“You have alot of tatoos.” Sure I could’ve warn a long sleeve shirt all the time, but coming from Cali, the humidity was unbearable. Especially since I sweat like five hogs–even in the cold. Plus it’s kinda hard to hide my streched ears, and tri-color hair-doo(which was another thing I was told all the girls would love). Everytime I met a girl who could speak english, and cuss as well….I knew I could at least use my charm, and it worked. I say teach all those girls cuss words so when guys like me go to Japan, It’s not just the dick heads and dorks who get some.

  20. BrandeX said, on December 12, 2006 at 12:41 am

    Tatoo’s are very taboo in Japan, mainly a thing done by the Yakuza, and until recently they were illegal to display in public. Someone lied to you. 🙂

  21. Runs With Scissors said, on January 2, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    Ahh. Language fun. A few years back a friend of mine thought it would be funny to teach his Japanese homestay student swear word on a trolley that they were riding. Needless to say, it wasn’t the smartest idea, since a few minutes after he had perfected it, the Japanese student turned to my friend’s mother, held up his middle finger and said, “Fuck you.” classic.

  22. Anonymous said, on June 3, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    ~the Japanese student turned to my friend’s mother, held up his middle finger and said, “Fuck you.” classic.~ Classic indeed. xD
    And for the record, marmalade and peanut butter taste good together. =p

  23. Anonymous said, on June 3, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    ~the Japanese student turned to my friend’s mother, held up his middle finger and said, “Fuck you.” classic.~ Classic indeed. xD
    And for the record, marmalade and peanut butter taste good together. =p

  24. Anonymous said, on March 2, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    They’re all scrambling to get out or wish the country would get bombed back to the Stone Age, and we are all trying to squeeze our dumbasses in.

  25. Anonymous said, on March 2, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    They’re all scrambling to get out or wish the country would get bombed back to the Stone Age, and we are all trying to squeeze our dumbasses in.

  26. Amy from Australia said, on September 10, 2008 at 11:31 pm

    Oh, that’s funny! But when she said: “f!@#ing Japanese girls” I thought the “f!@$#ing” was a VERB, not an adjective!! I think I am going to hell too!


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