Gaijin Smash

The Final Wall, Part 2

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on October 15, 2005

I continued my week at this school, eventually going to the Sports Day festival on Saturday. I’ve never really written about Sports Day, and I might at some point in the future, but not here. Just know that it involves a lot of running, kids stepping on each other, and endless shouts of “Gambare!”
I mentioned before I’d had a nasty accident that Wednesday, and as a result I had both hands, my right arm, and my right knee bandaged up pretty good. This ensured I wouldn’t have to do any real legwork on Sports Day, and gave me a pretty comfortable seat at the nurse’s station, under the shaded tent.
After Sports Day ended, I hung around to talk to the kids as they picked up their stuff and left the field. One girl approached me, and complained about all the stuff she had to carry – her chair, cheerleading pom-poms, a tea thermos, and her bag. I was all bandaged up, but I just couldn’t resist the opportunity to be Heroic Strong Mr. Gaijin to a young Japanese girl. In retrospect, I think she knew that and exploited it. For all you guys who want to date a Japanese girl, you should get used to this kind of exploitation, cause you’re gonna see it, A LOT.
Anyway, I offered to carry the chair for her, as well as somehow balance her tea thermos and the pom-poms on it. She did the usual “You sure that’s okay?” but wasted no time in passing me the items. In the hallway of the school, one of her friends expressed jealousy in that she didn’t get to have her stuff carried for her. KA-POW goes the testosterone-fueled male hero-trigger in my brain, so I offer to carry her chair as well. So in one hand, I had a chair, a tea thermos, and pom-poms. In the other hand, I had another chair and a backpack. And both hands are heavily bandaged. Amazingly enough, this wasn’t too much of a problem, just took a little balancing. And I’ll admit, I took joy in having the girls around me revel at my strength and heroism, even if they were only 15. It’s sad that this is what I have to resort to, to get my ego-fix. But eh, you’d do the same, and even if you wouldn’t, I’ll convince myself that you would to help me sleep at night.
We got up to the third floor, and I was maybe 10 meters away from the girl’s homeroom. Suddenly, out of *nowhere* (and I can’t stress this enough), Watson FLIES out of one of the classrooms and jabs me in the nuts. The whole thing happened in like .00000001 seconds, before I even knew what had happened I’d been jabbed in the nuts.

What kills me about this is that it wasn’t just a low blow, it was The Lowest of All Blows. I mean, getting a crouching fierce to the nuts is one thing (and really, it ought to be the end of the story), but a crouching fierce to the nuts … while BOTH hands were tied during an act of chivalry. AND I was injured! A ref should have ran out and red-carded him. We were nowhere near a soccer field, but I figure something like this is a foul against life. If this were professional fighting, he would be permanently barred from the circuit. If this had happened on the streets he’d be convicted of a felony. But no, this happened within the hallways of a Japanese school, so la da dee, la de da life goes on. Gambare, Mr. Gaijin.
Watson teleported away somewhere, but figuring he was still within earshot (my current theory is that Japanese teleportation is short-range, which is why it has NO startup) I swore I’d get revenge as soon as I put the chairs down. I finally made it to the girl’s homeroom and chatted with them and some other students for a bit before leaving. Heading down the hallway, I looked inside one of the other classrooms and spotted Watson talking to a friend. With his back turned towards me. Completely oblivious to the door.
In that instant, there was only one thought. One recourse, one course of action. There was no internal moral struggle, no questioning of my sensibilities. Both Devil Az and Angel Az were out to lunch somewhere. There was one and only one thing I could do … no, I had to do. That final wall came crumbling down and any shreds of my sanity I could have claimed to still have evaporated in a puff of smoke.
Darth Azrael: You know now what you must do.
I ran inside of the classroom, slid on one knee … and gave Watson The Unholiest of All Kanchos. I mean, I was still sliding on my knee when I did it, so that shit had some momentum behind it. Not only physics, but spiritually as well – this was not just for the low blow, but everything up to that point. Trying to ride me like a horse, trying to finagle my watch away, the constant attempts at my dick. And then stuff he wasn’t even responsible for started rising up as well. Small children running away from me simply because I exist. My bitch ex-girlfriend from hell. Every time I’ve hit my head on a doorway because Japanese architects couldn’t conceive a human being standing over 6 feet tall. The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr. getting cancelled in its prime. McDonalds randomly bringing the McRib back and then taking it away as quickly as it came. Lolita Confinement Lesbian. It was like in the Power Rangers, when the Red Ranger gets the ultimate super awesome cool weapon, and then all the other Rangers stand behind him and lend their power … except the Red Ranger was me, and the super ultra cool weapon was kancho. I kanchoed the living shit out of that boy. Watson may never properly father children. “But Az,” you say, “isn’t that the wrong end?”
Watson was shocked, to say the least. I’d calmly left the classroom, reveling in my own perceived victory. Watson came exploding out of the classroom, and damn near tackled me. Keep in mind that I’m still bandaged up here, so I can’t really put up a good fight. I manage to hold him off, but Watson gets one final jab to the nuts in before running away. It was only much, much later that I realized the significance of it all – Azrael just kanchoed a bitch, with absolutely no thoughts of remorse, disgust, or horror. And that’s it. This job has finally, completely claimed my sanity.
Welcome to the Darkside. Please enjoy your stay.


30 Responses

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  1. Indoolio said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:40 am

    Oh man, I remember the first time I read this article back when you first posted it. I laughed my ass off.
    And I also wept for you, on the inside at least. I feel truly sorry for you Az.
    On the other hand, I would have probably carried the chairs for the girls if they asked me… But my arms are so spindly, and girl-like, they probably would realized they’d be better off carry the chairs themselves T_T
    Also, I think I got first post…

  2. Some Guy said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:51 am

    Heh, Hope you get your sanity back Az. It’s only a matter of time till’ you Kancho “Noisy-Fucker” if you don’t get it back soon.
    and, I will enjoy my stay.

  3. Colin said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:51 am

    Meh. That little fucker deserved it.

  4. amirahsyuhada said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:52 am

    mr azrael, i had email but got no response. i understand maybe u r busy, so i post my email here.Open to public..
    to mr azrael,
    i had read your editorials for 3 days, i found ur site with *zip file, from one of animation website. For god sake, i dont even know what i will read is the one of inspiring story i ever read.The file name ‘editorialteacher’.
    On that time, am searching any animation gif file about teacher.
    For your information, i am a teacher too. Am teaching english, but english is not one of my skill. So please excuse my english (haha, i bet u really familliar with this)
    While am writing this email, my notebook still display your page on the chapter ‘watson’s last stand’. I can feel the emotion on everyword your write. i dont know whether its because the way your write, or its happened because i am a teacher too.
    You are born to be a teacher..Mr Azrael.
    You are a human beings who have an aura of teacher. Not a lot of people like us.
    I dont have time to read your site in ‘online’, and i feel sad when i read this sentence..
    ..Ms. Americanized turns to me and says “Whoever replaces you in August…please don’t tell him or her that I’m an English teacher who swears so much.”
    on chapter random select
    So maybe when u got my email,u are no longer a Japanese School Teacher.I pray, u still being a teacher, wherever u are.
    I know some of people who definetely not a teacher, wont able to understand our feeling.
    When you write all the story in your human-being-that-no- body-perfect-view, people blame you because u use all the inappropriate language in your mind.Like they never use them in their mind.
    I am Malaysian, where people give so damned high expectation for teacher.In their eyes, teacher is a robot or angel.
    Even, my students get shocked when i said i once a fans of Gun n roses, they thought i only listened to religious song..what the heck!!
    And…really want to tell u that. Malaysian kids also know what is kancho. No, no..of course not from your site. We not called it kancho (before i read ur site, i never heard the word kancho), we have other name for it. But the action is still totally same as the definition of kancho. And its only play by boys. Never..never a girl will do that. And we never..ever do that to our teacher, boys play that among boys. Expecially to their enemies.
    I know because i am so close to my younger bro, who was once totally a brat at school.He at colledge now, i bet he will laugh like hell if he ever read your site, and will shocked how on earth japanese kids never respect their teacher.
    In my country, do that kanco thing to a teacher is same as u kill your own parents.
    ok, azrael, i dont even know if u read this email. But i want u to know, what u writing had inspire me, that i am not alone, i believe i am a good teacher even..i do a lot of bad thing..l
    bye and good luck..and please..please reply me..and tell me about your condition now.thanks a lot for read my email.

  5. Cool Bones said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:57 am

    I think that’s my favorite story.
    I can’t wait until you upload everything so you can start writing something new.

  6. Anonymous said, on November 13, 2006 at 1:13 am

    Oh nooooo. :/ Poor Az.
    I still love you.

  7. Anonymous said, on November 13, 2006 at 1:13 am

    Oh nooooo. :/ Poor Az.
    I still love you.

  8. Brad said, on November 13, 2006 at 1:25 am

    No jury in the world would have convicted you.
    As a side note, if you had ever decided to wear a cup/ass-protector to work, the nurse would have had a brief-but-abundant rash of male students with index/middle finger injuries.

  9. mephy said, on November 13, 2006 at 1:37 am

    yay! welcome to the nether realms!

  10. Gabe (and Yoda) said, on November 13, 2006 at 1:40 am

    To the dark side you have fallen. Won, the Japanese have. Shame, you have brought to yourself. Pwned, you will be, for the floodgates you have opened. To late to redeem yourself, it is. Far fallen, the mighty have.

  11. Xen said, on November 13, 2006 at 2:27 am

    Sounds like a case of Justifiable Ass-jabbing to me. There isn’t a court in the world that’d convict you

  12. Steve of Amakusa-Shi said, on November 13, 2006 at 2:37 am

    I got my first kancho today, though they didnt actually touch butthole just got in on the inner part of the cheek but if that kid didnt have just one eye I would of thrown him out the window.
    However that was a ninensai shogakko student so what can you really do but laugh at his gingivitis and hope he can adapt to life without depth percception?

  13. lori said, on November 13, 2006 at 5:37 am

    dude no offense but you lost your sanity waaaayyyy before this incident 😉

  14. Anonymous said, on November 13, 2006 at 5:45 am

    Az, Az, Az… it’s one thing to join the Dark side. It’s another thing to hear Darth Sideous tell you to go take care of some Jedi and then go slaughtering children.

  15. Anonymous said, on November 13, 2006 at 5:45 am

    Az, Az, Az… it’s one thing to join the Dark side. It’s another thing to hear Darth Sideous tell you to go take care of some Jedi and then go slaughtering children.

  16. amphibian said, on November 13, 2006 at 9:45 am

    That may be one of the most spectacularly incoherent yet flattering e-mails I’ve ever read. Thanks, amirahsyuhada.
    Kudos to Gaijin for the successful move to Rudius Media. Hope your stuff is garnering a larger audience and the potential book deal is moving closer to actual.

  17. autumnfire said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    Good for you!!! Personally I would have applied the lightspeed smack across the face the other female teachers have done to students in your presence.
    However, you would’ve have to look for Watson in next week because that’s how hard I would’ve smacked him. Little fucktard deserves it.

  18. goats said, on November 13, 2006 at 4:55 pm

    It was about time—Watson SO had it coming. I don’t care how old he is….Awesome!

  19. Chris said, on November 14, 2006 at 12:50 am

    At one point in life, we all pass the threshold of acceptance in certain situations. Many years ago, in my early twenties, someone of the opposite sex was constantly embracing me in a playful manner in a work environment, which I thought was cute at first. As the weeks progressed, it started to annoy me, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. At one point in time, when she was working her act, I just snapped, by warning her to stop it. She did, of course, but that it took me that long to take action surprised me at that time a lot. It was a shock! I never date colleagues, no matter how flirtatious the situation is. Accept for my initial agreement of her approach, it was getting old. In a work environment that is supposed to be fun, full of energy, where are the behavioral acceptable limits? Too much freedom can result in less respect. That is why I “hate” business casual, it is an ambiguous being, which doesn’t know what it wants to be–disciplined or laid-back.

  20. gobi said, on November 14, 2006 at 2:16 am

    man that little bastrd got what was going to him.

  21. Jeff said, on November 14, 2006 at 11:40 am

    As much as that kid deserved it, think of what you have done. Now, you just fought back. Dude, the floodgates are totally open. If anyone had any inhibitions about goin for your shit before, none will now. Be prepared to fight back again and again, and I don’t know if this is a war you can win young Azrael.

  22. Zantetsu said, on November 14, 2006 at 12:19 pm

    I’ve been reading these for quite a while now but here’s my first comment:
    Here in Malta if someone would try a trick like that we grab their arm, twist it behind their back (or just twist it and let them cringe) and “counterattack”. But then Malta is hardly like how you describe Japan.

  23. Anonymous said, on November 14, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    did anyone watch tokyo tribes 2(anime)? black gang wars in tokyo? awesome!

  24. Anonymous said, on November 14, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    did anyone watch tokyo tribes 2(anime)? black gang wars in tokyo? awesome!

  25. Tannas said, on November 14, 2006 at 8:58 pm

    Just a fan letting you know I love your site 😀

  26. BenGrimm said, on November 15, 2006 at 12:23 am

    Yo Az,
    I’ve been a fan for some time, and I really enjoy reading your site, it’s fun and educational ^_^.
    As an education student, it’s good to hear the lighter side of education now and then, when the teaching classes are all doom and gloom. And it’s certainly good to hear more about the JET program (which I also hope to participate in) from someone inside.
    Thanks again, can’t wait for the next entry, take care! And don’t worry about the sanity, it’s overrated anyway…

  27. Random Hero said, on December 11, 2006 at 11:01 am


  28. Bob said, on January 14, 2009 at 9:17 am

    I read this entry as I was listening to Pachelbel’s Canon ( and I think it really added to hilarity.

  29. Rachel Grey said, on February 26, 2009 at 8:18 am

    Sometimes you just gotta kancho a motherfucker.

  30. Paul B said, on May 28, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I laughed sooo hard that i am actually crying now!!!!!!!!

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